The Bachelorette: Season 12 — Finale and After the Final Rose
At long last, we are at the end of JoJo’s time as The Bachelorette. There is no way TVRD could have gotten through this mess without the intrepid Andrée H., our special contributor and Bachelorette philosopher. This is obviously “the most shocking season finale ever” so let’s go! — Elaine F.
Elaine: Okay, we have a two-hour episode which could probably be told in 45 minutes. I’ve been looking forward to seeing JoJo’s overprotective brothers. I hope things get heated.
Andrée: I predict the brothers are going to fall flat and screw us over. Normally, this one is the most boring episodes of the season.
Elaine: You know all those times when JoJo seemed like a double-talking flip-flopper. I think it’s genetic. Her mom just babbles: Jordan is too likable and that’s bad but the mom likes him, but he’s too bad like JoJo, which is bad or something. I think telling a man she just met to swear not to hurt her daughter is a bit premature. How long is The Bachelorette filming schedule? He’s supposed to make a life-long pledge about a woman he’s known for less than two months and only got to spend a day or two alone with her, right?
Andrée: I Googled it and an entire season is filmed in six weeks. I’m upset JoJo couldn’t have pulled out a better outfit or shoes. That’s really all I have to look forward to on this show these days.
Elaine: Wow, JoJo’s mom has had a lot of work done, huh? There should be PSAs advising women against trout mouth.
Andrée: A lot of work done. She’s kind of spooking me out. Jordan is good at picking out flowers. Or the show just puts extra work into his bouquets. Aww, he got everyone gifts. Crappy gifts. Is it just me or is her mom basically saying Jordan is too good for her? She’s going to love the next guy then.
Elaine: Wait, where was the heated exchange with the brothers? I thought the show only picked JoJo so they could show off the crazy, overprotective brothers.
Andrée: That was totes boring.
Elaine: So Jordan flees town without asking JoJo’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage and she’s so confident that he wants to marry her. Is that what happened or did I miss something? There is always the chance that I watched my dog do something cute and forgot it was on. I’m bored. I’m telling you right now: I won’t recap any moment that doesn’t involve a crying jag, fistfight, JoJo’s bad acting or emotional despair.
Andrée: No, you missed nothing but her delusions. I think Jordan’s going to dump her after all that. Hmm.. Robby might actually have the larger bouquet this time. JoJo loves him because he is a 5, so he has her on a pedestal. He’s totally more her speed.
Elaine: Jordan might think it’s too soon for a lifetime commitment, but Robby has no problem with rash decisions. Not one violent encounter with JoJo’s brothers? I’m done with this episode. I’m going to ignore any moment that doesn’t involve heartbreak until we get to the conclusion.
Andrée: Her parents are like, “Yeah, only one man loves you.”
Elaine: Commercial break. Oooh, Miss America on Sept. 11. Would you judge me if I confessed that I love Miss America pageants? I’d ask you to watch with me but I think I’ll be out of the country.
Andrée: I won’t judge. I watch the YouTube videos after the fact, not sure I could sit through the entire thing.
Elaine: JoJo’s freaking out because Jordan didn’t say he’ll propose. She’s the Bachelorette, shouldn’t she do the proposing?
Andrée: Her parents are nearly coming right out and saying it: He’s just not that into her. No need for Chris Harrison right now, just finish the damn episode, I’m falling asleep over here. These bouquets are starting to all look disturbingly similar.
Elaine: Oh, God there is another date? According to Robby his dream life–DREAM LIFE–is sitting on the sofa with JoJo while their kids play and something about kissing so much that they don’t notice the smoke coming out of the oven and they order pizza. In other words, JoJo and Robby will be inattentive parents and so busy making googly eyes that they won’t notice that a white van has pulled up and the children took candy from the stranger. They also will likely succumb to smoke inhalation.
Andrée: That’s my hell. Every piece of it. The faint noise of kids in the background, my ass. Eww, the meatloaf. Yuck. What is the point of this date seriously? We are seeing nothing new at all. This might as well be a recap episode from any one of the boring dates we’ve already suffered through this season.
Elaine: The crisis is I’m next-day viewing. It’s too late for a breakfast/brunch mimosa and too early for that first glass of wine.
Andrée: I’m just going to pretend I didn’t just finish my second glass of mimosa and thinking about switching to straight champagne. Though this is so boring I might opt for a pause and a latte.
Elaine: Okay, we’re on the Jordan date. He looks quite attractive.
Andrée: He’s so hot. Hot and great hair. He’ll be a great Bachelor. And totally not into JoJo.
Elaine: Shorter JoJo: “But Jordan, you talked about how much you love me and want to be with me after our one night of sex.”
Women Across The World: Guuuuurrrllll
Elaine: You know what men hate? “We need to talk about the relationship.” She’s nagging and placing demands now, before you are even her boyfriend. You better run, Jordan.
Andrée: So incredibly annoying. I feel like I am the one being nagged here.
Elaine: Heh, Chad is in the studio audience. He’s going to walk out with at least three women’s numbers. And that’s a lowball estimate. Can you imagine if Mr. H. proposed and you were all, “Aww, that’s so sweet. I love you, but I love someone else a teensy bit more. Don’t take it too hard, it was a tough decision. He beat you out by like, one point.”
Andrée: Mr. H. would have flipped his lid and gone all Chad on me.
Elaine: Ring, ring, ring. “Hi JoJo’s parents, it’s Jordan. Just calling to say I’m less ambivalent than I was the other day so now I’m asking for her hand on this phone call.” He should have sent a shrug emoji. \_(ツ)_/¯
Elaine: JoJo’s family is all, “Well, as long as we marry her off so she won’t spend her life hoarding cats.”
Elaine: I guess the producers told Jordan that he has to feign interest to make this a real horse race.
Elaine: Uh, Andrée? Where are you? Did you just tip-toe away from the computer?
Andrée: Funny story: I fell fast asleep with my laptop on my lap right when I said I should probably go get a latte and just woke up 3 hours later, and ran to get a latte. I’m ready to continue!
Elaine: Sigh, well just go back up, fill in some remarks and make believe you were watching the show. They’ll never know.
Andrée: Eww, whose ugly sock and shoe combo is that? No wonder he is getting dumped.
Elaine: And the loser is … Robby! Sorry that your dream of Jordan as the next Bachelor has died, Andrée. Oh, back to heartbreak. “I fell in love with you but something about something and love and you would have been my best choice but something. Whatevs.”
Andrée: I’m shocked honestly. She is an idiot, a very stupid woman. You just tossed aside your loyal li’l doggie. Have fun getting dumped by Jordan. How long do you give it? A year? Six months? I’m pissed! This means we lose our Bachelor.
Elaine: I detect a note of bitterness, Andrée. What the hell does she mean? “I wanted it to be you.” No, JoJo, you wanted it to be Jordan. That’s why Robby is diminishing his manhood by sobbing in the Limo of Rejection.
Andrée: What are we left with for The Bachelor? It’s going to end up being one of the nameless fuckos. At least we’ll get lots of gossip rags about Jordan cheating on JoJo and hooking up with an heiress instead.
Elaine: Okay, I’ll admit it. Despite my season-long trash-talk and cynicism, I am a big romantic and I absolutely love the proposal scenes. I love weddings, bridal showers, the whole caboodle. Meanwhile. baby showers are a hellscape, because I don’t like babies. They are so messy and awful conversationalists.
Andrée: They do a great job setting the scene for romance on this show. It’s just not convincing with this couple, though. Setting is perfect, man is perfect, but there is one big thing wrong — I’m looking at you, JoJo. JoJo just homewrecked America. You stole our man! I will hate you forever. Now they have to pull Chad off Bachelor in Paradise and make him The Bachelor instead.
Elaine: I walked away to get some bubbly. What did I miss on After the Final Rose?
Andrée: I was dreaming of Jordan proposing to me Bachelor style. Now that I am awake and fully mad, I’m switching to wine so I can properly cuss JoJo out for stealing my man. I was actually excited about a season of The Bachelor for once. Forty-two more minutes of this crap, here we go.
Elaine: Full-disclosure: I am going to play a video game until we get to the announcement.
Andrée: Please God, we don’t care about the feud between Jordan and his brother. Robby’s hair is looking particularly douchey today. Yuck, I hate JoJo’s dress.
Elaine: Oh, dear God. Chris Harrison is asking JoJo who should be the next Bachelor and she said Luke –the serial killer– or Chase who, if nothing else, is attractive. That means it’s down to those two. Meh.
Andrée: Not acceptable.
Elaine: I love Chad popping up to add his name to the list of contenders. Sorry, Chad. Bachelor Nation will not pick a dangerous bad boy, who would probably make whoever he takes to the fantasy suite call him “Daddy” as he pulls her hair. But after that, he’d be super sweet and romantic, there would be cuddling and he’d lovingly stroke her hair, declare that his heart only belongs to her…..Maybe I said too much. Bachelor Nation will go with a blandly attractive man who will not pull hair or get into any naughty talk. He will toss rose petals on the bed for a night of vanilla love. I’m sure that Chad would also set a romantic mood with rose petals before the hair-yanking and…Maybe I said too much. Again. They are letting Chad talk, he lost his mother recently and he’s a marine. Please, please pick Chad who is hinting that he may be a naughty, naughty boy on Bachelor in Paradise.
Andrée: He knows they fed him booze and poked the bear all summer long so he’s going in for an image upgrade. I love how the crowd was all about Chad as the Bachelor and he didn’t get boos till JoJo prompted it. Also love how when asked about how things are with Jordan, she answered with a sign and an “um.” Well, no shit. You are a stupid girl. He’s going to leave your ass so soon. Remember the last time we had to sit and listen to someone defending herself? It was what’s-her-face with Juan Pablo. We all know how that turned out. Sorry, the truth sucks, JoJo. Seeing the two of them together, they really don’t look like they are that into each other.
Elaine: Wait, here is a preview of BIP. Is our girl Jubilee in bed with Evan and his creepy mustache and his talk about erectile dysfunction? This is beyond upsetting. Maybe they were just engaged in girl talk. I could accept that. She’s supposed to be with Chad. They are both veterans. All he needs is the love of a good woman like Jubilee and he’ll see how his life has gone off-the-rails and then they will get married. Wait, the show is over? I don’t know who was announced as the next Bachelor. Damnit, I was thinking about Chad and now I have to rewind. Or take a nap and let you do the heavy-lifting. Peace out.
Andrée: They trick you so much with the previews. I couldn’t help myself. I saw a bit. I will sit through a lot of crap to finally see Chad knockout Evan. Lace! Cryin’ Kardashian! Island baby! Multiple proposals! Tears! CHAD! YASSS YASSS YASSS! They have not announced The Bachelor. WTF? Maybe they will do it like they did last year with Ben and announce it during After Paradise live. Squee can’t wait!
Final thoughts: See ya! The Bachelorette is already completely pushed out of my mind, I’m ready for love and drama resort-style! Bring on Jorge! You don’t know about Jorge yet, Elaine but you will. Oh, you will! YAY!
P.S. #chadforbachelor is a thing — let’s make this happen Bachelor Nation!