Photos courtesy of ABC

It’s Week Two of The Bachelor and not everything was coming up roses … or smelling like roses. Special Contributor Andrée H. provides hard-hitting analysis. Take it away, Andrée! — Elaine F.

After last week’s circus of a season opener, we are tuning in tonight with no idea what to expect. It can’t top unicorn heads and mini horses, can it? Let’s fill our glasses and toast to the sideshow that we can’t turn away from!

Andrée: Well, from the previews it looks like we’ll hear a lot of swearing tonight. 

He’s really skinny, no wonder he doesn’t want to be shirtless. Hit the gym, Ben. He needs a gym date.

Elaine: Lace looks good when she’s sober—and when she’s not wearing actual lace. The acid wash vest is iffy though.

Andrée: The vest is horrible. She’s losing more points with me. She went from my favorite to my least favorite in no time. I am waiting for her to go hunting for an onion in the bushes any second now.

Elaine: There are only five Bachelorettes that I remember from last week: Lace, Olivia, Jubilee, Caila and the weirdo dentist who dressed up like the first-impression rose. Thinking back, don’t you think that outfit looked like a feminine hygiene product?

Andrée: You are doing better than me. I remember the drunken bitchy one, rose head dentist chick, butch girl with small horse, and hot reporter.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate these dumb competition group dates that have nothing to do with romance. Okay, we have two of my favorites on the same team. When they’re done with The Bachelor, Lace and Jubilee should team up for some sort of stage show. Lace Jubilee, perhaps? Or they can date.

Andrée: I can’t see this as a developing romance. I would totally watch that, but Jubilee is too classy for Lace. Maybe the dentist and Lace could do something together? The Crazy Castoffs? Assuming, of course, they don’t end up becoming Mrs. Higgins.

Elaine: Bobbing for apples, really? I refuse to comment on the rest of this dumb back-to-school segment. I’m going to get some more wine. You’re the Bachelor expert, you take over.

Andrée: And take over, I will. First off, I would kick ass at the science fair and work that lab coat so much better than most of these ladies. They always do bobbing for apples. They forget that their audience is made up of ladies. Or maybe that is for the few poor husbands being forced to watch. If I wanted to play the slut on The Bachelor, I would make a point of wearing all white to every group date. Ooooh, geography, I would not want to take part in this one at all. How embarrassing. Gym class… bad memories are flooding in.

Elaine: I’m bored. Wanna play shag, marry, kill? Your choices are Ben, Chris Soules and Chris Harrison.

Andrée: Oh, love this game. Okay, shag Ben, marry Chris Harrison and definitely kill Chris Soules. Your turn!

Elaine: Ditto!

Andrée: I’m glad Amber didn’t win. All the hate. Mandi, good for you, I guess. I couldn’t care less about her.

More previews—looks like Lace will be getting her drink on again. Grrr, I hate these celebrity dates, I should grab some more bubbles if I am going to have to watch that!

I don’t understand what guys see in Becca. I think his other options are way better than her. Like this next girl. Not sure what her name is but she is way prettier. Oh and there you go, she gets the kiss. Right on, Ben! You and I are on the same shallow level!

I love the Lace stank-eye when she heard about that kiss.

Whoa! Hot reporter chick looks a tad crazy without makeup.

Elaine: Right? I almost didn’t recognize Olivia. Maybe she tones it down in the house so the other women don’t kill her in a jealous rage?

Andrée: Lace looked better earlier than she does now. I think she’s a needs-lots-of makeup girl. I have lots of makeup opinions tonight.

Elaine: Oh no, Lace and Jubilee are at odds. I was shipping them. Guess I’ve gotta go write some sapphic swirl fan-fiction.

Andrée: See, I told you, not a match made in heaven! Crazy needs to be surrounded by crazy not class!

Elaine: These girls are hating on Lace but they have just as much of an opportunity to act like creepy stalkers. They’re just mad because Lace takes the initiative.

Andrée:  It’s so true, but she needs to watch herself. Ben is so concerned about everyone’s feelings I feel like he’s going to kick her out for being mean to the other ladies.

Ben’s tongue is going to need a vacation after this date, holy! So JoJo gets the rose. She’s one I didn’t even know was there, so that’s surprising. I have a feeling this season is going to go the way of Sean’s season and he’s going to pick a random that we all thought was filler!

Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Ben Higgins

Elaine: Yeah, he’s boring. He’ll pick a boring one. That means he has lots of options. Ugh, I hate celebrity guests on this type of show. Come on, Ice Cube, this is beneath you. Come on, Kevin Hart, this is… well… But back to Ice Cube, he should totally show up at the end of the episode and instead of roses, he should just say “Bye, Felicia” to the rejects.

Andrée: Bwahaha! So true, speaking of, have you seen Straight Outta Compton yet? Now that’s entertainment! Also, you have to watch the promo that Kevin Hart and Ice Cube did with Conan for their Ride Along movie. Markedly better than this one!

Elaine: I’ll have to see Straight Outta Compton. Kevin Hart’s script calls on him to say “hopeless romantics” watch this show. That’s like saying “film buffs” watch Kevin Hart movies.

Andrée: I just saw my first Kevin Hart movie, The Wedding Ringer, pretty funny. Unlike this date. This date sucks.

Elaine: Uh-oh, Ben referred to Caila as a “buddy.”

Andrée: Wow, it’s just so romantic; I can’t handle it.

Elaine: This is like my first date with Mr. TV Recaps, he took me to a convenience store for a soak in the hot tub. It was cool because we were able to stock up on dish detergent and batteries… Seriously, though. Wouldn’t you be mad if you were on this show and your big one-on-one took place in a CVS?

Andrée: Honestly, this date is getting me angry. I actually liked this girl and her chance to have Ben fall for her is gone. And they have Kevin Hart freaking farting over in the corner of the hot tub. Naked? She’s at an automatic disadvantage as soon as all the other girls get real dates.

Elaine: Do they ever get to eat on these dates? He took her to that deserted bistro. Did they even touch that bread basket? Well, at least they get to awkwardly sway in an empty room and make out in front of whoever this musician is.

Andrée: At least she gets a little alone time with him, I mean really this is basically the start of the date. I don’t think watching people stuff their face really fits into the whole fantasy dream world appeal they are going for on this show! You know they are force-feeding them Cliff Bars and shots of 5-Hour Energy while they do lighting tests.

Elaine: Bwahaha!

Andrée:  I feel like you have to give someone the rose as a reward for having to put up with the stupid celebrity date. But good for Caila. They made up for it a bit by giving her the private concert experience. If nothing else, she’s hung out with three celebrities now. That will likely be her big Bachelor takeaway.

Elaine:  Oh, God. This group date at the love science lab is also dumb. I’m going to get some more wine. You’re the Bachelor expert, you take over.

Ben and … one of them

Andrée: On it! Oh yeah I had already forgotten there are twins on this show. Forgettable twins, now that’s a shame. No, he does not look sexy. Untrue.

Elaine: I forgot about the twins, too! I only recognize them when they are in the same scene.

Andrée: I kind of love this date actually. Well, so far anyways. It would be so awkward having him smell you. Not to be gross but you know at least one of them is on their period right now and she is freaking out while he’s bent over smelling her. OMG, he said one of them smells sour. Bet it’s her.

Poor Samantha

Elaine: And they all have to wear white, too. Total nightmare.

Andrée:  Wow, watching this is kind of insane. It would be pretty intimidating watching his body heat rise over other women.

Elaine: Oh, is that what’s going on? I find this so annoying that I stopped paying attention. Olivia’s bitch game is strong. Love her! She’ll never last on this show, though. They don’t really go for the super sexy drop-dead gorgeous types. I can barely remember any of the past “winners.”

Andrée: Agreed, she’ll probably make it pretty far though. I’m thinking at least top five.

Elaine: Poor Samantha. She looks like Shakira, a little. Except Shakira has never been called stinky and humiliated on national TV. Plus, this girl is allegedly an attorney according to her official ABC bio. How do they go back to their careers?

Andrée: 2.5 out of 10. Ouch. Guess Samantha  is done. Oliva is loving her life right now.

Ben couldn’t wait to get that tongue working again. He said to Olivia that he believes in the science. Is he going to say that to poor Sam?

Elaine: I’d be grossed out by some guy sticking his tongue in multiple mouths on the same night. I’d be an awful orgy participant.

Andrée: Telling Samantha that she smells like passion fruit after the fact really doesn’t fix it. I bet she soaked herself in perfume before the evening portion.

Amanda says “like” a lot when she is nervous, she said it so many times before she said that she had kids, and then not at all after she got it out. She’s quite pretty, but I feel like we haven’t seen much of her personality yet.

Elaine: I’m just so over the single mom/dad storylines of recent seasons.

Andrée:  That was a bit mean mentioning Amanda and her kids while holding the rose but then giving it to Olivia. I can’t help myself though, I always love the bitchy ones. I love Olivia.

Elaine: Me too. I’m Team Olivia just because she’s so bitchy.

Andrée: Ben looks like an old man in that suit. An old creepy man talking about smelling a bunch of women.

Why are they getting so mad at Olivia for taking some time?  She’s obviously going to take time when she can get it.

Elaine: That drives me crazy. They signed up to be in a harem. They act like they’ve never seen this show before. Wow, Lace keeps riding that crazy train. That’s too bad for Mandi. She’ll always be known as the intimate lady product also-ran. Actually, I love her now because I just watched her audition video during the commercial break and it’s hilarious.

Andrée:  Stop telling Ben “I know I’m coming off crazy.” Stop bringing it up. She’s just not very good at this.

Elaine: Lace is thirsty for screen time. I guess she’s auditioning for Bachelor in Paradise.

Andrée:  Oooh, you just got me really excited for Bachelor in Paradise. And now she’s crying. Of course.

Elaine: They’re making crafts for Amanda’s daughters. This is way too twee for me. I’m going to get some more wine. You’re the Chapabelor expert, you vake tover. Hic.

Andrée:  Ugh, how annoying. But I bet you a million moms’ wombs are melting across the nation!! *Chugs bubbles at a rapid pace.*

Elaine: Yay, we get Lace for one more week! She may be as nutty as a fruitcake, but that red looks good on her. She knows her seasonal palette.

Andrée: Agreed, it looks good. As does the darker eye makeup. We get to keep Jubilee too—this might be a record-breaking season.

Elaine: Right? Not only does she make it through at least one more episode, she gets to be at the center of drama, which is great. Finally some advancement for my fellow ladies of color. We get to act crazy on The Bachelor! What do you think all that is all about? The previews are always so vague. Sigh, this LB needs to get some more camera time, I see. Just take the freaking rose. Oh, is she jumping ship? Bye, Felicia. That’s one less unmemorable girl for me to not remember.

Andrée: I love it when girls leave on their own. She knew she wouldn’t last, I suppose. I honestly can’t remember her at all.

Elaine: Me either. By the way, the Russian just started speaking English in this episode. She’s not memorable in English.

Andrée: I totally forgot there was a Russian!

Elaine: Amber is still kvetching about Ben not knowing who she is. I don’t remember who she is and I watched last season. She’s like Ambien in a dress. Oh look, she made the cut.

Andrée:  I only know who she is because she is best friends with Samantha Steffen therefore I think a very shady character, indeed. Is that the dentist rose head? Her crazy just couldn’t stand up to Lace’s crazy I guess!

Elaine: Bye, Mandi! I’m sorry the floral tampon costume didn’t get you more attention. Don’t cry Samatha, you’ll always be remembered as the girl who was called smelly on national TV. Not everyone can say that!

Andrée: Oooof, science for the win. Talk about going on a reality show hoping to become famous and having the world find out you smell sour around the waist. She probably should have gotten an apology rose, but crazy makes for better TV than stinky! I just had a thought, I bet you those rose ceremonies are so filled with cheap perfume that blindfolded you’d think it was a strip club.

Girls with roses, JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, The Twins, Jami, Lauren H., Shushanna, Amber

Buh-Bye to: LB, who rejected her rose, smelly Samantha, Mandi and Jackie

From the science of sour smelling waists, to making hair clips at a rose ceremony, this was an overall flat episode. But we knew going in that Ben was pretty boring so I think it’s about what I expected. Regular girl drama might not be enough to keep things captivating this season, but knowing The Bachelor producers, they have some tricks up their sleeves to keep us entranced! I guess we’ll just have to tune in next week to find out!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.