The Bachelor: Season 20–Episode 10 The Women Tell All
It’s been a long season of airing our grievances about Ben Higgins and The Bachelor. This week it was time for “The Women Tell All” and our Bachelor analyst and favorite Canadian expat Andrée: H. breaks it down for you–Elaine F.
Time for “The Women Tell All!” Woo! Considering that our not-so-little secret is that we love watching this show to bitch, and this episode might as well be titled Free-for-All Bitch Fest, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’ve fully stocked up my bar in preparation. We get a fun stroll down memory lane to remember the greats that kept us entertained this season such as Olivia, Lace, Jubilee, the Twins and a random assortment of other forgettables!
Andrée: OMG, I had already forgotten about Lace. Oh yay, and Olivia! I can’t wait for Olivia. I love that they are going to call out Ben about saying I love you to two girls. Really it was such a dick move. I know I shouldn’t get all excited about the previews. But I totally just did.
Elaine: How could you possibly forget the booze-soaked spectacle of Lace? I’m abstaining from previews now. I’ve been tricked too many times, I’ll just put ice in my martini shaker while this is going on.
Andrée: Smart move. Pretty funny when Chris Harrison listed off all of the women that were going to be on the show the crowd just didn’t react at all. That should be an indicator that this show is getting boring! Get better people!! How can we fix this? A petition maybe? A little change.org action?
Elaine: I’d donate to the cause.
Andrée: I couldn’t care less to see Ben go to these viewing parties. I always figure these people must just have the most desolate lives for this to be a shining moment in it.
Elaine: They act so surpirsed as if the cameras just showed up out of nowhere. I’d like it if the two of us were sitting around tipsy and bitchy and Chris Harrison and Ben just popped up. How would we react? I’d probably be sorry that I didn’t put on my mascara and do some dusting.
Andrée: I would probably start throwing little balls of paper at him and boo like I do at the house. My thought is we’d totally get cut from the show. I call bs that her husband got her into The Bachelor.
Elaine: If he did, they need to talk. She should look at his collection of musical theater Playbills and tickets to Bette Midler shows and ask some questions.
Andrée: I call bs on those abs Ben is sporting on that cake. Not true to reality –AT ALL. No Ben, do not take it off. Layers are your friend.
Elaine: For your sake, I hope they cast a hard-body next time.
Andrée: Too bad Kaitlyn and Shawn are doing so well, I would have loved to have that eye candy on my screen for a full season! I am happy that part is over. Let’s get to the juicy bits. Lace looks like she is on some serious medication. Other than Lace and Jubilee, I don’t remember any of the girls in the back row. Except kindergarten chicken teacher. How could I forget that mug? Also, it would totally suck to be in the back row at “The Women Tell All,” that’s like being told you aren’t memorable.
Elaine: Right? You know the whole nation–or shoud I say Bachelor Nation is going “Who’s that?” Is the one with the horse there? Don’t tell me, I don’t care.
Andrée: Amanda is looking hot, especially for a MILF. I forgot about her as a contender for The Bachelorette. I still think she’s the most viable option of the ladies from this season. But I would seriously prefer Britt.
Elaine: I’ll always love Britt because she knew how to rock red lipstick and was always in “I wake up like this” mode. She never wakes up with pillow creases and sleep in her eyes.
Andrée: If I went on this show I’d probably want to sleep in full makeup too since there is always at least one episode when the guy goes all stalker and decides to sneak into a house full of women to see what they look like sleeping. I always love the replays because I seriously can’t remember any of the drama that happened at the beginning of this season. I think you can only hold so much space for this show in your head at a time.
Elaine: You need a hole in your head to watch this mess.
Andrée: I think I have several small holes in my head from watching this show for so many years now. Woah. Jennifer just pulled a total bitch move and accused Olivia of smirking when she was totally frowning. Lay off, bitches.
Elaine: I have no idea who Jennifer is. Next!
Andrée: Ah haha, the chicken just flew onto Lace and then the floor. Like who brings a freaking chicken. No wonder you are in the top row.
Elaine: Anything for extra time on camera.
Andrée: I also forgot about Leah throwing Lauren B. under the bus. So many girls, so many forgettable girls. Sorry Mom, but Becca doesn’t even look good when the show does her makeup. I am guessing that they got their makeup done today, though that’s just a guess. Everyone else looks pretty done up.
Elaine: Sorry Andrée’s mom! I want your approval.
Andrée: I’m her daughter, I get instant approval, I feel that gives me the right to stomp all over her favorite girl. Not because she’s her favorite, mind you, I just can’t let Mom’s opinion sway my bitchiness. Why are the mixed girls jumping all over Jubilee? This is so stupid. Ooooh Jubilee is getting to go in the hot seat! That’s a first!
Elaine: I feel like the phrase “mixed” may draw side-eye. I’d change that sentence to “Why are those lame-os, who nobody remembers or care about, jumping all over Jubilee?” And the thing is, they know exactly what she meant. We spent a lot of time reflecting on race and The Bachelor so they can shut up and sit down. I don’t like anyone throwing shade at my sister.
Andrée: True story, I guess they are just pissed because they aren’t being put into the women of color category but that’s just stupid because The Bachelor franchise doesn’t seem to have an issue with people of color, just one specific color. Jubilee has every right to be proud of being the first black woman to make it so far I say. She really is so pretty, such great hair, gorgeous makeup. Doesn’t strike you as someone in the military whose village burned down.
Elaine: Jubilee is beautiful and she seems a bit neurotic and socially awkward but in an endearing way.
Andrée: My mouth feels dirty watching this part.
Elaine: I’m not going to ask what you mean by that.
Andrée: Jubilee’s flashback. Watching Ben makeout with a bunch of women. Blech. I am getting angry again watching Ben break it off with Jubilee. She said all the right things and he just smashed her little heart. What a dick. All of the girls look so pissed off watching Jubilee speak in the hot seat. I really don’t see why. My heart is breaking for Jubilee all over again.
Elaine: Jubilee is way too interesting for that bore so she dodged a bullet. The other girls are teeming with envy because they’d love to get the attention of being in the hot seat.
Andrée: Yeah good for her, it’s like a mini reward for being interesting getting some hot seat airtime. I love that Lace gets the hot seat too. That is one short dress she is wearing. I can’t wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise. I hope the reason she is sitting in the hot seat is because they are going to be announcing that she will be. I can’t stop looking at Lace, she really seriously looks like she is on drugs.
Elaine: Lace is no fool. She knows that showing off her hoohaw will get her somewhere in life. Let that be a lesson to all young girls watching. She was made for Bachelor in Paradise and she does seem to be heavily sedated.
Andrée: I love that she’s already dated “some people.” I’m guessing she has a couple weeks cap on relationship length.
Elaine: Agreed. She’s likely to be “that girl.” A few dates and she wants a drawer in your apartment and gets pouty. Smart girls wait until the guy is hooked before we drop the veil on our crazy. Mr. TV Recaps had to put a ring on it before the true depth of my crazy was revealed.
Andrée: Word. Mr. H. and I got married so quickly after meeting each other that neither of our crazies came out till we were well married. I think that’s a good way to do it. Get those hooks in ladies! A crazy from the crowd came out with Lace’s face tattooed on his belly! OMG. This is just all too much.
Elaine: Wow, how organic and not staged.
Andrée: I love that Chris Harrison pretends that Bachelor in Paradise would be a better fit for Lace. She will be ruined mentally and I will enjoy watching her demise. I am SO happy she is going to be on that show.
Elaine: Me too. Lace needs to further damage her reputation.
Andrée: Yes! Olivia is up next. This is definitely what I have been waiting for.
Elaine: Yeah, baby! Here is our girl!
Andrée: I have total outfit envy right now. Olivia looks fabulous. So unfair what these bitches did to Olivia. Haters are just always ruining everything.
Elaine: She is gorgeous and those heifers are jealous. That’s okay, Olivia. You have talent and a career that goes beyond slinging hot wings at Hooters.
Andrée: I honestly feel like she had true feelings for Ben. Also she got a haircut. That’s always proof of a broken heart.
Elaine: I can’t imagine why she would be interested in Ben. They are not compatible but she was caught up in the moment–or angling to be The Bachelorette, which would never happen because Bachelor Nation doesn’t appreciate anyone who isn’t a bland “girl next door.”
Andrée: On that note, Amanda’s hair looks the same, terrible roots and all. No, they cannot pick Amanda, I forgot she “says” like and you know as much as “Lauren B.”
Elaine: The only thing I remember about Amanda was that Ben made her work at a McDonald’s on their dream date. I’d like to hear what the McDonald’s employees think about that.
Andrée: Well they recently hiked up their wages so I am guessing McDonald’s employees are doing nothing but singing their praises these days. I guess that and advertising on The Bachelor is their new marketing scheme. I think that plus making their breakfast all day will surely revitalize their brand for this drunken nation. I only wish they would have put this into place when I used to go clubbing. I always tried to stay up the extra two hours so that I could have McDonald’s breakfast after the club, but I sadly never made it. Shut up, Jennifer. The point of the show is not to make friends. I hate it when girls say that.
Elaine: Right? The point of this show is pretending to fall madly in love with some schmuck that you have spent a day with if you were lucky enough to get a one-one-one surrounded by a camera crew.
Andrée: Exactly!I understand what Olivia is talking about. I am a really outgoing person, but there are many situations where I get super shy and I could definitely see this being one of them!
Elaine: And why would she waste her bubby side on these heifers?
Andrée: I feel bad for Olivia, I had to stop looking at her Instagram because the things people say to her there are just awful. I was hoping Olivia would get to go on BIP, but I guess not!
Elaine: I don’t like that either. The Bachelor is set up to point and laugh at the girls persona on the show, but it’s not cool to take it to that level.
Andrée: I think I take back my comments about them getting professional hair and makeup for this episode, some girls look great and other’s not so much so it’s definitely a DIY scenario I am thinking.
Elaine: The back-row girls are on their own. Or some of them have the foresight to hire a makeup artist and hair stylist before the episode.
Andrée: If it were me, I would totally go and get my hair cut and colored day off. That way it gets styled as a bonus. My hair never looks better than when I walk out of the hairdressers all newly cut and blown out. I am so bored watching Caila’s playback. I will be starting that petition if they choose her as the next Bachelorette. I feel like if I was watching myself getting dumped for the first time I’d cry. Just saying.
Elaine: I sort of like Caila but she’s not a good actress and has been obviously angling for a career in Bachelor Nation since she first hopped out of the limo. The key to this show is to pretend you’re not a scheming attention whore.
Andrée: I am not enjoying this but it does really seem like they are setting Caila up to be The Bachelorette. I wish they would just announce it at the beginning of the episode so I can get it off my mind and focus in on the bitch fest.
Elaine: I don’t think Caila’s so bad but she seemed to draw a lot of scorn online. They tend to like the corn-fed girls.
Andrée: Oh joy. We get to see Ben. I love hearing Chris and Ben try to justify him telling two women he loves them. There is just no justifying that.
Elaine: Ben is a punk. I don’t think he handled the breakups like a man and made himself look like the wronged party.
Andrée: Really, Leah is complaining about the fact that Ben went to Lauren about her tattling?
Elaine: Leah shot herself in the foot. Obviously a producer put her up to talking trash about Lauren and she was gullible enough to fall for it. A lot of these girls don’t seem to understand that the audience turns on the tattletales. Have they never watched the show?
Andrée: I know, it only happens every single season. Jubilee is really laying it on thick to Ben. Good job girl. Grill that little bitch. Ben is really doing everything he can to not actually answer her questions. He totally blamed everything on her when he dumped her. Her feelings are completely valid. It does make you less of a person Ben.
Elaine: That’s why Ben is a punk.
Andrée: So Ben wants to get married tomorrow. eh? He backed out of that one pretty quickly!
Elaine: That was stupid. Does he not know that he should get married in a special two-hour event so he can get paid? Weddings are expensive, Ben. Those floral arrangements aren’t going to pay for themselves.
Andrée: Expensive and a lot of work and planning. I would like to see how cheesy this wedding would look if they actually threw it together in a day. The wine glass blooper between Jubilee and Ben was the best. All the others were pretty standard. Except Becca calling Ben Chris. Sorry Mom. She’s the worst.
Elaine: I just want to be on your mom’s good side so I’ll pretend to like Becca. Next season your Mom should write a rebuttal to all of our mean comments.
Andrée: Oh check the comments, she totally already has been! Mount Rushmore? More like the Tar Pits.
Elaine: Are they saying Ben should be on Mount Rushmore? I missed that part because I needed more ice.
Andrée: Yeah, that he is on the Mount Rushmore of Bachelors. Ugh. I don’t even want to see this sneak peek. Whatever it makes me think will be false. I just have to keep repeating that to myself.
Elaine: We talked about this, be strong. Don’t be tricked by the previews.
Andrée: OMG. OMG. He tells them both. I am legitimately so excited for next week’s episode.
Elaine: Okay, that preview better deliver. So give us the wrap-up.
I feel like in some way blogging about The Bachelor is turning me into the producers, because I find myself saying things over and over again, like I think this just might be “the most dramatic finale yet.” Normally it’s all happy times on the final dates but these ones look pretty drama filled, so next week should be wonderful! Overall this episode didn’t provide the drama that was promised, but it was still pretty good. Most of all it just left me feeling sorry for most of those girls, but I am sure that Bachelor in Paradise will fix that! I honestly hope the twins aren’t on the show though because they really don’t add anything but a childish vibe. Can’t wait until next week when we get to see some heart crushing!