The Bachelor Episode 8: The Husbands Tell All Again
The Bachelor is winding down, Ben Higgins has just four potential wives now: Amanda Stanton, Lauren Bushnell, Caila Quinn and JoJo Fletcher. Our Bachelor analyst and Canadian ambassador Andrée H. is back with commentary from the ever-expanding peanut gallery.— Elaine F.
After what has seemed like a painfully long season, we have finally arrived at the hometowns! When Ben is involved, drama is so very welcome to break up the monotony. I’ll give you one awesome spoiler, he keeps his shirt on for the entire episode! Hooray!
Andrée: I have my champagne poured and have spent the last hour nagging my husband to blog again tonight. So far he is a no, but I am forcing him to watch it so I know that he will break and have to voice his opinion at some point! Tonight we meet the parents! I love hometowns. They always show up just when I am getting bored enough that I am thinking about dropping The Bachelor from my TV rotation. Then I am instantly hooked again.
Elaine: I usually get bored by hometowns because the drama queens generally don’t make the final four.
Andrée: They are showing JoJo crying in the previews, that’s not a surprise. Oooooh, an ex-boyfriend pleading for her love, now this is the kind of drama I can get into!
Mr. H.: These people are dummies. I’m not watching this two weeks in a row.
Elaine: Yay, it’s Mr. H.! Thank you for embarking on this journey.
Andrée: I pretty much hog-tied him to get him to do this.
Mr. H.: “I’m excited about this group…” What a monotone dullard. If that’s excitement, what does boredom look like?
Andrée: First date is Amanda. Starting things off with the kiddies. I stand by my earlier comments. If you are going to meet someone’s kids on this show you should be forced to marry them.
Elaine: Mr. TV Recaps went downstairs, he allegedly left his phone in the car.
Mr. H.: “Downstairs” means into the car and down the road without his cell phone.
Elaine: I feel abandoned. I’m like a castoff crying in the back of the limo. Forever alone.
Andrée: I do enjoy that Amanda says that she doesn’t love Ben yet. Way to be honest. She’ll be going home today for sure. Poor Elaine. You need to work on your hog-tying skills.
Mr. H.: Here come these kids. “This is the man who gave gingivitis to mommy and all her roommates…”
Elaine: “Here’s your new daddy. I met him a few weeks ago on TV. It’s complicated.”
Mr. H.: I wonder if Mr. TV Recaps has gotten to the bar yet?
Andrée: These kids seem totally unimpressed.
Mr. H.: This kid saying “I like the octopus” is as smart as anything that the cheerleader said to Ben’s mom last week. Ben is wondering how long he has to chase this little kid before he gets to _________ her mommy.
Andrée: I love the truth bombs from my hubby. Hopefully, a slightly intoxicated Mr. TV Recaps will be joining us soon!
Elaine: What man doesn’t want to play with two kids who belong to a woman he doesn’t know?
Mr. H.: Let’s make a bet. Are there more: A. Toys on that beach where Ben is chasing the little kids or B. Condoms in Ben’s shorts pockets.
Andrée: Well there weren’t many toys…
Elaine: Do you think the kids will cry when he dumps their mom? Will she tell them that the nice man went away because they weren’t good enough?
Andrée: “After meeting her kids, my feelings have grown. But, I still have to meet her family.” Sounds like you are just thrilled about that, Ben. Yeah, it will be just like an episode of Teen Mom. I went there.
Elaine: Mr. TV Recaps is back! I told him that Mr. H. is here.
Mr. H.: You bribed him back with food.
Elaine: That hasn’t happened once in 20 years.
Mr. H.: He’s banging “SOS” on your condo window glass in Morse Code right now.
Elaine: He just “found” his phone, which was on the ottoman. Ben would never do this.
Andrée: Rope him in! It’s commercial, you have time!
Mr. H.: I’m hoping the commercials will provide sweet relief from The Bachelor, but they’re somehow worse, which would seem hard to do.
Andrée: How on earth could commercials beat the glory that is The Bachelor? I would think you’d enjoy a break from the nonstop cooking shows I have been forcing you to watch while we pack!
Elaine: The commercials are there so you have a chance to pour more booze. I’m on Shiraz tonight.
Mr. H.: I’m not sure how I pissed off Andrée enough to think I deserve this.
Elaine: This is a bonding experience.
Andrée: You want that apple pie, right? No complaining about me mister, only the show!
Mr. H.: Exactly. You’re both bribing husbands with food.
Andrée: I do what I have to do. Uh-oh. The kids were brats in the car. Amanda is done for.
Mr. H.: “Hello Amanda’s dad, I want to ________ your daughter on national TV. How are you?”
Elaine: Those flowers for Amanda’s parents are covered in plastic. Ben got them at the supermarket. That’s a demerit.
Andrée: Huge demerit. Haven’t seen her kids in weeks and they are sobbing while heading back to the grandparents. Doesn’t bode well for Ben.
Elaine: Those kids are sobbing because they no longer remember Amanda since she’s been away so long. Amanda’s parents seem dubious.
Andrée: Oh man, they hate him. “He looks kind of young”, not what you want to hear.
Elaine: Maybe they don’t want their grandkids raised by a stranger for three months; the three months where Ben and Amanda have to pretend they love each other.
Mr. H.: “Yeah, Amanda’s dad, as soon as I’m done hanging out with you and your wife and your adorable grandchildren, I’m going to ________ Amanda in her ________ have her do the_____________ because she seems like the grateful type, what with the two kids and the desperation and the hair roots and all.”
Andrée: You went there.
Mr. H.: You should see where Ben’s fixing to go.
Andrée: Watching this one-on-one with Amanda’s mom is brutal. She is not in any way feeling Ben.
Mr. H.: She wants somebody who drinks and has a good time and tells jokes and stuff. And what she has is Ben. On a related note, their wicker patio furniture is worth more than Ben’s entire hometown.
Andrée: This is going terribly. You are right about that. It always bugs me how every hometown the houses are so amazing. Are all these girls’ parents’ rich or do they take them to rental homes to film the show? I’ll never forget the ghetto hotel for Jade’s hometown. She must live in the smallest town ever.
Elaine: I always wonder about that too. And the houses are immaculate, not one hoarder. Amanda is crying to her mom because she secretly realizes that this is not going to happen and she’ll be stuck with these kids and no helicopter rides and hot tubs.
Mr. H.: “He’s a great guy… I would be happy to see you with him…” = “I’m sick of taking care of your _____ing children.”
Mr. H.: Why didn’t we see Ben running up and down the beach with streamers? Because I think if a grown man runs up and down the beach in those shorts with streamers, another grown man is going to try to walk up and ________ him.
Andrée: That’s not a mental picture I was prepared for.
Elaine: Wow, Amanda’s dad, made Ben think it might be hard to be a stepdad and take care of these two kids for a few months. That’s right, Ben this is a serious matter. And how can you go on Dancing with the Stars with brats clinging to your pants legs?
Mr. H.: Ben can “picture himself being a part of this family(‘s money).”
Andrée: “I have very strong feelings for Amanda.” Doesn’t sound very convincing, Ben. Wow. Amanda has now dropped the L-bomb. Another one bites the dust. It’s going to hurt extra bad when he dumps you at the end of this episode. Poor kids. With your baby voice, that includes you Amanda.
Mr. H.: Why is this chick wearing baggy Daisy Dukes? Is she thinking: “What can make me even more unappealing than being a co-dependent single mommy? Oh, I know, I’m going to wear some baggy cut-off jean shorts…”
Elaine: She should sweeten the deal by telling Ben that her landlord wants her out by the end of the month and she needs to stay with him “for a little while until I land a job. Maybe three weeks and then we’ll be out of your hair. Pinky-swear.”
Andrée: It’s a combo Daisy Dukes/mom jeans look. Seems about right.
Elaine: That was a polite goodbye to Amanda. Ben wants to get away from this nuclear family hellscape so he can go pretend to be falling in love with some other girls.
Mr. H.: Never underestimate the power of a grateful type with family money.
Andrée: But does that really balance out the two kids?
Mr. H.: Yeah, when she’s doing stuff that he’s always had to pay for and getting him in on the inheritance, she’s suddenly a 10. Okay, a Warsaw, Indiana 10. But, to his mind, still a 10. Incidentally, there is a reputable house of ill-repute in Warsaw, Indiana where a former employer of mine employed the services of a Budweiser calendar girl. He had her poster, believe it or not. If you’re wondering—she was better looking than Amanda.
Elaine: I’d love to see her on The Bachelor. She sounds colorful.
Mr. H.: I’m sure she has been.
Elaine: It’s so obvious that Ben likes Lauren B. the best. This is going to be a way more successful date than the whole daddy day care debacle with Amanda.
Mr. H.: It’s because she’s the last one that doesn’t have roots showing after weeks of living among female rivals without access to proper hair care.
Andrée: “Today could be the day that I tell Ben I am in love with him.” Hate to break it to you Lauren, that’s not much of a trump card on this show.
Elaine: Is there legalized pot in Portland? That would make this date even more fun and less Amanda-y.
Andrée: They are eating butter. This is their date. “I don’t know if I could picture a better way to die.” What a romantic thing to say, Ben.
Mr. H.: Yeah, Portland is a huge marijuana town. And you’d have to be stoned to appreciate Lauren, because she’s boring. Maybe, like other stuff you do when stoned, she makes more sense when you get high and listen to her backwards.
Elaine: Lauren is snoozy, but so is Ben so they make a simpatico couple. You have to give her credit for taking him to a whiskey bar.
Mr. TVRD: Ben said, “Thanks for being on this crazy thing with me. “ He didn’t say “journey,” what kind of Bachelor-speak is that?
Elaine: Well, look who’s here.
Mr. H.: This amazing whiskey bar full of bottles (that neither of these two numbskulls have ever tasted) and is completely wasted on the two of them. Ben’s too far from bourbon country to appreciate whiskey, and too far from interesting to have wrapped his tastes around it otherwise.
Elaine: He doesn’t look old enough to drink. I bet he likes Jägermeister and JELL-O shots. Ben strikes me as a Red Cup party kind of guy. I don’t judge.
Mr. TVRD: That’s awesome, because it’s true.
Andrée: There we go, a little whiskey and all of a sudden the men are on board. I am still totally bored by these two, but totally convinced that they are going to be together, ‘Cause like, this is like, a really big moment, and like, I dunno, like, they belong together and stuff.
Elaine: They will live boringly ever after.
Mr. H.: Oh, he shared his gingivitis with her. That’s a solid step toward sharing his herpes.
Andrée: But the family has to be on board too. Gingivitis is not enough.
Mr. H.: I’m not unfairly accusing the man of passing around STDs, but he has spent weeks in a house groping 25 strangers so, given the math on the prevalence of herpes, I’m fairly accusing the man of possibly passing around STDs.
Elaine: I’m glad you’re not starting baseless rumors.
Mr. TVRD: Let’s not get sued.
Mr. H.: Let me just be clear: Ben is going around trying to rub his herpes on anybody who he can get to hold still for it.
Elaine: You really double-down.
Andrée: Hubby, can you please open this bottle? Cork is stuck and I need a refill!
Mr. H.: Sorry. Too busy. Wife talked me into watching this ________ show for the second week in a ______ row so now it has my undivided ________ attention.
Andrée: Apple Pie with a candied crust…
Mr. H.: I’m opening it, but only because I’m wanting you to do the sort of things that Amanda will have to do to make Ben want to keep her around for a lifetime. I’ll just refer to it all collectively as “bake pies.”
Andrée: So polite you are in front of the entire Internet 😀
Elaine: The producers brought flowers for Lauren’s mom too. These are so much better than the cheapo supermarket bouquet he gave Amanda’s mom. Actually, I think those were gas station flowers.
Mr. H.: Does that mean she’s going to sleep with the producers?
Andrée: They don’t want to waste money on the girl who is going home tonight, they have to pay for a limo to cart her to the airport, after all.
Elaine: Aww, Lauren has a dog. Speaking of which, one is sitting on my lap watching this with me.
Mr. TVRD: Well, she’s managed to keep a dog alive for 18 years, she can’t be all bad.
Mr. H.: Speaking of dogs, Lauren is not attractive. Lauren is the sort of almost-good-looking that a good-looking girl wants to be seen with to make herself appear more good-looking.
Andrée: Speaking of dogs…there goes my drink, spat from my mouth once again.
Elaine: Stop it, Lauren’s cute in a Ben sort of way. Actually, this sister is good-looking don’t you think? Wait, did Lauren’s sister just put in a plug for Lauren to be The Bachelorette? Well played, Lauren, well played.
Mr. H.: I’m not saying she wouldn’t be good to sleep with once if a guy was smoking Portland-quality weed, but marry? Forever? Really? Why? It’s not her sparkling personality.
Andrée: She’s average, just like Ben.
Elaine: I think her sister is pretty. And she made a grown man cry on TV within minutes. Ben is crying to her about his love for Lauren. I’m not comfortable with male tears. This is another demerit.
Andrée: That’s definitely ultimate cheese factor.
Mr. H.: Did Lauren’s dad make his daughters get veneers?
Andrée: “I feel like Ben is my person.” That’s such a modern day admission of love.
Elaine: She said that with such raw passion.
Mr. TVRD: Is her “person” her way of calling him her “Boo,” but for people who know they’re too square to say ‘Boo’?
Mr. H.: I wish Lauren’s dad had made his daughters get boob jobs.
Andrée: As if you needed more entertainment!
Elaine: I’d like Ben to fall in love with Lauren’s sister and give her the rose.
Mr. H.: Either way, he should definitely sleep with her sister. I mean, when you’re kicking the tires on the Trans Am, why not kick the tires on the Camaro? “But, Mr. H., those are mediocre cars that only a classless hick from Warsaw, Indiana would drive.” Exactly.
Andrée: Mr. H. just takes this show to a whole ‘nother place.
Elaine: Mr. H. is a rascal. Lauren’s dad is asking about the other 20+ girls his potential son-in-law started out with. Heh. Lauren’s dad asks what any father would: Why are you with my boring daughter when you could be with the other 20+ girls?”
Andrée: This hometown is going pretty much as well as you could expect. Lauren’s dad is definitely hung up on the multiple women issue.
Mr. H.: Lauren’s dad knows Ben wants to rub a virus all over his little girl’s face.
Andrée: He’s figured it out.
Mr. H.: Lauren’s dad just walked out of a sitcom. I’m trying to see if he has veneers too, but I missed it by laughing at my own STD jokes. I’m not saying that STDs are something to laugh at, but Ben’s spreading STDs to the willing for my televised entertainment, and I don’t want to be ungrateful for their collective sacrifice.
Andrée: I didn’t notice either. I was too distracted by him being awfully annoying. The producers were probably like: “Listen, this year has been boring as shit, can you pretend to hate the guy?”
Elaine: Lauren told her dad Ben is “likeable.” That’s raw sexual magnetism, right there. That’s like saying he’s neat and a safe driver.
Mr. TVRD: But Dad, he’s free of odor!
Andrée: Her Dad is not feeling Ben at all. That doesn’t bode well for my predictions. I can’t believe she isn’t going to tell Ben she loves him because of her dad. I love my dad but he would not be the deciding factor on my love for someone, sorry.
Elaine: Yay, Caila is coming up. I don’t want her date to go too well because she’s my pick for The Bachelorette. She’s likable
Mr. H.: Is it a little caveman of me to say these are all homely bitches? Didn’t the women on The Bachelor used to be good-looking? Is this guy just very boring and not wanting people to think he’s a jerk for sleeping with attractive women?
Andrée: I think the good looking-ones don’t need a TV show to get married. Zing. I am a little drunk so I will say it. If they cast Caila as The Bachelorette, they better toss in a bunch of short guys because I won’t be able to handle it if it’s all tall guys. I am into proportion too much I know, I think it’s a photography thing. Of course there are exceptions, like Jade and Tanner and yourself and Mr. TV Recaps.
Elaine: I’d love to see Caila with a bunch of tall guys. I’m into height-differential porn. It’s a fun-size thing.
Mr. H.: If I had to be on a game show to ________ Caila straight in the ________ when I was single, I’d have flung myself off the Brooklyn Bridge. It says a lot about Ben that he has to have television-star cred to sleep with women this busted and boring.
Andrée: But look at him. Compared to you he’s nothing but a lima bean.
Mr. H.: I’ve eaten lima beans, and they’re better than Ben, even for talking to.
Elaine: Stop calling them names. Well, okay, call them names. You’re married to Andrée so you’re grading on a high scale.
Andrée: Aww Elaine, this is why I love you 😀
Mr. H.: Hey, I don’t mean to be a jerk. I’m just better than Ben. And Mrs. H is better than his shallow pool of homely heartbroken b-listers. Frankly, I don’t think I associate with anyone as broken and hopeless as these people.
Andrée: I love you hubby. Even if you are mean to the broken and hopeless.
Elaine: B-list? That is a compliment. I’m thinking you might need to go with D-list. I think of supporting actors on The CW as B-list. No shade, I have yet to be placed on a list. But yes, you are much better than Ben, and Andrée is superior to a limo full of crying Bachelorettes.
Andrée: You might win, Elaine, he just said he has the deepest connection with Caila. Even though two dates ago he said he felt she hadn’t opened up at all.
Elaine: I don’t want Caila to “win” Ben. I want her to be The Bachelorette star. Second runner-up never gets to be the Bachelorette, so I want her to go final three.
Andrée: That’s true, you really don’t want anyone to win Ben. I don’t get why they always bring their dates to their high schools. Who the hell cares?
Elaine: Caila has such cute hair. And I can tell you from past episodes that she’s one of the only ones who wake up pretty.
Andrée: She has great hair. I have hair envy. I have been packing for a week straight. My hair looks much like my mop. Stringy and dirty. Not sexy. Hence I am drinking bubbles, eating chips and wearing sweatpants!
Elaine: Caila’s dad is the CEO of a toy company?!
Mr. H.: CEO OF A TOY COMPANY?!?!?! HE ONLY PICKED WOMEN WITH FAMILY MONEY!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Andrée: Definitely a trend happening here.
Elaine: See? Caila’s dad can help fund a lifestyle. She’s losing me a little by making him build toys, but I guess it’s better than gingivitis. Actually, considering Ben made Caila sit in a hot tub with Kevin Hart, maybe this is her passive-aggressive way of punishing him.
Mr. H.: I think Ben counts dental veneers as something he can have in common with a woman. That and the absence of testicles.
Andrée: She can’t wait to make out in a kitchen. Life goals.
Elaine: What will they do with the toy house? Give it to deserving children such as Amanda’s kids who are crying that they’ll never get to know Ben.
Andrée: I would die if they did that. They’ll probably auction it off in order to raise money for limos.
Mr. H.: Inside Ben’s mind… “How many _______ kids’ toys do I have to play with to get some ________ on my face?”
Elaine: Ugh. Thank you for that haunting image.
Andrée: Now they are making out at her dad’s work. How unprofessional.
Elaine: So now Ben is carrying Caila out of the factory in his arms. I’m upset about the Officer and a Gentleman rip-off.
Mr. TVRD: What? You expect originality from these fools?
Elaine: Well, he might as well do the Dirty Dancing routine if he’s going to rip off ‘80s romantic dramas.
Andrée: Hmm….which of these four do I want to see Dirty Dancing? Probably Amanda hate to say it.
Elaine: I meant literally, I assume your use of Dirty Dancing is a Canadian metaphor.
Andrée: You always think my mind is in the gutter. To be honest, at first I got it confused with Flashdance and was thinking about the water scene. So I guess it was kind of in the gutter after all.
Elaine: In the real An Officer and a Gentleman, the manipulative girl who ended up alone is enviously watching Richard Gere carry Debra Winger out of a factory. I want to see that at a rose ceremony.
Andrée: Yeah, instead of sending the girls out in a limo, they should have to sit in a cage and watch Ben make out with all the women who got to stay.
Elaine: From your lips to Elan Gale’s ears. I am looking at the flowers Ben brought for Caila’s parents. They look acceptable. What was all that noise Caila made last week or whenever it was about not having roots? She’s got a family and access to toys.
Mr. H.: Oh, she’s Filipino. I’ll give her a point for that because (story I can’t actually tell because my wife is reading this as I type it).
Elaine: Tell me later, I’ll never let Andrée know. Oh, wait. Too late!
Mr. H.: But, (justification I can’t give because it’ll just dig the hole deeper, and it might technically be kind of gross, but if you were there, you’d understand, because I’m telling you…)
Mr. TVRD: Oh, she’s Filipino. I never dated any Filipinos. Is this the first non-white mom?
Andrée: Juan Pablo’s mom wasn’t white!
Elaine: Mr. TVRD likes to forget Juan Pablo.
Mr. TVRD: This is true.
Mr. H.: Juan Pablo had a mother? Who stuck around? That fails to explain a lot of things.
Mr. H: If she’s Filipino with a huge fear that she can’t be loved, she is definitely great in bed.
Andrée: Maybe we should cut our hubbys out of this!
Elaine: You are digging yourself a hole, Mr. H..
Mr. H.: How many drinks will Caila’s dad need to get in him before he admits to meeting her mom on FilipinoBrides.com? And why is that actually less degrading than being on The Bachelor?
Andrée: Her dad isn’t feeling Ben either. Tough sell for the dad’s tonight. I feel like this episode is further confirming that Ben falls in love with both Lauren and Caila.
Elaine: Mr. H! I don’t know what to do with your comments, Mr. H. Caila’s dad did say he fell in love immediately, maybe it was when he saw her mom on the website.
Mr. H.: Caila’s dad married a Filipino bride because they’re tiny, and the postage was less than a Russian.
Andrée: I would like to pretend he’s playing it up for the blog, but no, this is my daily life.
Mr. H.: I don’t know if Ben can handle the pressure of being in a mixed-race marriage. I know what it’s like—I married a Canadian.
Elaine: You see the amount of commentary we’re getting from Mr. TV Recaps, that’s my daily life.
Andrée: That would work out great for me because I talk a mile a minute and need someone to pretend to listen.
Mr. TVRD: I don’t really have anything to say about this experience.
Elaine: Don’t you mean “journey?”
Mr. TVRD: Yes, I mean “journey.” I feel ill.
Elaine: He keeps looking for excuses to leave the room.
Mr. H.: I’m not sure why my wife is putting a blanket and pillows on the couch, and I’m not sure I should ask.
Andrée: Your apple pie is going in the dog dish. Next move is yours, my friend. I have way tuned out on this episode. I need to focus here.
Elaine: Caila’s reticence to confess her love means she’s a dead woman walking.
Andrée: I feel that usually by hometowns all of the love bombs have been dropped, or get dropped. It would be funny if Ben fell in love with two women, and none fell in love with him, and the show proved he really is unloveable.
Elaine: Damnit, I forgot about JoJo! I’m going to get a refill before her segment.
Andrée: Watching the friend zone hometown is always painful. Wonder if he dumps her in front of her mom like he did to Haley?
Elaine: He should do that. Ben should do at the dinner table. Maybe during the dessert course.
Mr. H.: From JoJo’s little teaser, it’s charitable of her brothers to assume that Ben has the brains, will, or creativity to brainwash a woman. I mean, granted they’re 5s, but holy God, it’s hard to imagine anybody like him “brainwashing” anybody other than a homely dullard with daddy issues and… oh… never mind… we’re good here…
Andrée: I’m surprised that they left her to the end. I guess something juicy is going to happen. Oh wait, I forgot about the ex-boyfriend’s note in the previews. That must be JoJo! Thank goodness, because Ben only has sister love for her.
Mr. H.: Little bit of insight into men for the female audience: Ben tells his friends that Caila is a “fun-sized spinner.”
Andrée: You are going to piss off Elaine real good.
Mr. H.: I’m just trying to offer a certain depth and insight to the reporting. Consider it a value added.
Elaine: I’m tired of fun-size girls being mocked by Team H. Caila is three or four inches taller than me. If Mr. TVRD hadn’t left the room, he’d defend me.
Mr. TVRD: I would, I love the short girls.
Elaine: You got back just in the nick of time, these two are throwing shade.
Mr. H.: Hahahahaha whatever media buyer placed a Victoria’s Secret commercial in the middle of this sad parade of busted women has a cruel sense of humor…
Andrée: It’s because gorgeous women such as Elaine and myself watch this show!
Mr. H.: Hey, I have nothing against fun-sized spinners. Didn’t you see the story I told about the Filipino girl?
Elaine: Sigh. Moving on. Does Mr. H. know that JoJo wore a unicorn head when she met Ben?
Andrée: Her ex gave her way nicer roses than Ben did.
Mr. H.: I wish she was wearing a unicorn head right now. Incidentally, she has veneers.
Andrée: I still want the unicorn head sex tape.
Elaine: Wow, JoJos ex left her roses and a love letter, which she thought was from Ben because they have the exact same handwriting. Not buying her protests that she doesn’t want to read it.
Andrée: I strongly recommend you read on, JoJo. There is maybe one more rose coming from Ben if you are lucky.
Mr. H.: As soon as Ben dumps her on her ass, she’ll be calling him up and telling him how great the roses are.
Andrée: Then the guy will dump her ass when this episode airs.
Mr. TVRD: How much did the producers pay to get that letter written?
Andrée: It did look suspiciously like all the other hand-written notes on this show.
Mr. H.: Oh my God, this is fake crying. The “I’m so mad” line was a giveaway. And if she was mad, she would know what to say. She’d be pissed. She’s A-OK with getting flowers, which is why she’s calling him and hearing him out. If she wasn’t on TV right now, she’d be all about giving her ex Ben’s gingivitis.
Elaine: This proves that not everybody on The Bachelor wants to get into show business because JoJo is the worst actress in the world. Man, she is so lame and unconvincing.
Andrée: She has chipmunk face happening right now. What is that? She’s never looked like that before. Did she just have dental work done or something?
Elaine: Maybe it was to fix the gingivitis.
Mr. H.: So, while we’re on commercial break, do you think women are into Ben because A. They’re on TV and they have to be or B. He’s packing a f____ing Howitzer in his jeans, err, Dockers shorts?
Andrée: Definitely TV. I am guessing he’s batting below average. Judging by his lack of confidence.
Elaine: Somehow I doubt the latter since his whole backstory is that he’s unlovable.
Mr. TVRD: They don’t love him for his fine mind?
Mr. H.: Wow, when two women instantly shoot down the idea that you might be impersonating an elephant, you’re doing it wrong… Lucky for him that he’s on TV…
Andrée: When he takes off his shirt I shudder inside. That’s all I know.
Elaine: Ben gives the impression that he hasn’t had a lot of Howitzer experience.
Mr. H.: I would also like to admit that Ben is unlovable.
Andrée: I have zero love for Ben.
Elaine: Poor Ben. If Mr. TVRD had an interest in joining our party, he’d agree with us.
Mr. TVRD: Who’s Ben?
Mr. H.: Her boyfriend dumped her because she wears those shoes. With those jeans. And that sweater. And generally looks like that. In all, she gives off the vibe of a great girl for a guy to come home to after he’s been out getting drunk and banging other women because he hates his life and wants to die.
Elaine: This JoJo date is starting out horribly, I like it! I think JoJo sent herself flowers so Ben thinks there is a bidding war.
Mr. TVRD: That’s good, Machiavellian.
Andrée: You have to really get embarrassed on TV to be saved for last on the hometowns episode. Ben looks relieved that her ex contacted her.
Mr. H.: If she had the brains to send herself the flowers, she’d be the best pick so far.
Andrée: Oh, he does not want to get dumped though. Wouldn’t help the ‘ole unlovable ego.
Elaine: Oh no! JoJo told the ex that she’s so happy now without him? I hope she plans to grovel to get him back when Ben kicks her to the curb.
Andrée: Ben looks crushed. He thought he would be saved from having to dump her.
Mr. H.: Okay, I have to be on the Man Team now and say: get away from that chic, bro! She’s lyin’! That ho is lyin’!! Run, brother!! Take your tiny winky and your herpes and your gingivitis and GTFO while you still can!!!
Mr. TVRD: I agree. This level of drama is unacceptable. She’s playing way too close to crazy.
Andrée: The unicorn head wasn’t enough of a giveaway? It’s okay, babe, he’s not that into her. He calls her Joj.
Mr. H.: Well, she’s got a consolation prize: Ben’s gingivitis.
Andrée: Nothing like brotherly love.
Mr. TVRD: They’re in Dallas, he should really ask if they have guns.
Elaine: Uh-oh, JoJo’s family is very emotional. They act like she’s coming home from Afghanistan.
Andrée: She brought wine. Excellent. Hopefuly the whole family will get sloppy just like her.
Mr. H.: She’d be very hot and classy on the back of a motorcycle, at a biker rally. She should date a biker. She’s a biker 10.
Andrée: She does actually have a bit of a biker look.
Andrée: Oh, those are the nicest flowers yet. Seems disproportionate to his level of like for her.
Mr. H.: OH MY GOD HER MOTHER IS CHARO!!!!!! WHAAAAT?!?!?! HE IS DATING CHARO’S DAUGHTER!!!!!
Andrée: I have china cabinet envy.
Elaine: One of the brothers is good-looking. Can he be the next Bachelor? No, I take that back. It would lead to more JoJo.
Andrée: Can we have him instead of a loser? Agreed!
Mr. H.: He is going to get his ass kicked by Charo’s sons?!?!?!
Andrée: Can we have Charo? That would be mucho entertaining.
Elaine: The brothers are actually creeping me out right now. I think Mr. TVRD might be right about the guns.
Mr. H.: Charo is married to Mr. Spacely?
Andrée: His name is also Ben. I like this Ben. Is it too late to trade up? Sorry Ben, you’ve been replaced.
Andrée: Ben has some serious Ben hate. I am drunk and this is getting confusing.
Elaine: Wait, there is more than one Ben? I thought it was the Shiraz. If her brother does go on The Bachelor, he can jazz up the elimination ceremony by shooting the castoffs. Not killing them, of course, just a flesh wound. It would raise the stakes and freshen up the franchise.
Andrée: Can they wrestle? Ben would have to wear a onesie though as shirtless Ben makes me throw up a little in my mouth and that really doesn’t pair well with bubbles and potato chips.
Mr. H.: Did you guys even know that Charo and Mr. Spacely were dating? I mean, I guess they are about the same age. But how did they marry and have children without us knowing?
Elaine: Cuchi-cuchi! Charo should make a comeback.
Mr. H.: If another man “wrestled” Ben, he’d suddenly realize something about himself that would explain a lot of the issues he’s been having.
Andrée: So would the onesie, especially if it’s glittered.
Mr. H.: Here we have Detroit local commercials, and one of them is a news promo, and that news promo entails nothing but interviews with white people (in Detroit… think about this…) until, finally, they’re talking to a black guy in his early 20s with a gold chain. Really? Really guys? Seriously??
Andrée: We’ll sure miss Detroit commercials.
Elaine: Uh-oh, the brothers are sitting Ben down.
Mr. TVRD: Don’t go to the second location, Ben!
Mr. H.: “Hey Bro, what are you doing with my sister, bro? Huh bro? Oh, ‘conversations?’ You like to conversate with our sister? You ain’t going to be conversatin’ very well with a broken jaw, bro!”
Andrée: Ben is basically saying, I am totally going to hurt your sister.
Mr. TVRD: They both want to kill him.
Andrée: This is hard to watch, Chipmunk face and Charro. Ooof.
Elaine: JoJo is giving 150% That’s going to piss off Mr. TVRD.
Mr. TVRD: You can only give 100 percent, there is no more than that. Stop that, all of you. Stop that.
Andrée: Mr. TV Recaps is going to blow a gasket for sure.
Mr. H.: Oh no! It’s the dad! “JETSON!! YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!!”
Andrée: “My feelings continue to increase” is a lot less convincing than bawling because you are so lucky to have the privilege to have met this person.
Elaine: JoJo’s dad is giving Ben side-eye.
Mr. TVRD: This is like watching bad job interviews with Ben as the applicant. It’s all, “In five years I want to be running the shipping department.”
Mr. H.: The brothers got all the testosterone from Charo’s side of the gene pool.
Andrée: I love this guy. “Let me put this in perspective. You’ve been on two dates with this guy.” Right on.
Mr. H.: Both of her brothers work in finance. One sells equities, the other breaks legs for a loan shark.
Andrée: They are speaking the only truth on this entire episode though.
Elaine: Her brothers are creepy in a compelling sort of way. I want the beefy one to be The Bachelor.
Mr. H.: What do I have to shoot to get forearms like that guy? I’m game. Let’s do this.
Andrée: Would you not want to research it first? Jeez, you shouldn’t be so willing to just shoot things willy nilly, we are leaving Detroit, after all.
Elaine: I think he gets ripped from burying the bodies of JoJo’s past love interests. Just give him a shovel and some lye and Ben Higgins is gone.
Mr. H.: The beefy one is wearing an $18,000 Swiss watch. He’s already sleeping with better women than what The Bachelor can offer.
Elaine: Wow, that brother looks dead behind the eyes. They are going in on Ben. Poor JoJo, she’s never going to get a rose at this rate. She may not even get a date again in her life.
Andrée: This is definitely one of the ouchiest hometowns in a long time, since Desiree on Sean’s season, I would say!
Elaine: Oh, I forgot about Desiree’s mouthy brother. This is worse.
Mr. H.: Oh, the office-y brother is wearing some Buddhist beads. I wonder if he’s going to dish out an enlightened ass-kicking that’s one with the universe here in a second?
Andrée: The look of death.
Mr. H.: Beefy Bro has already killed three guys tougher than Ben this week. He took a Swiss watch off one of them.
Elaine: I love JoJo’s brothers. I loooooooove them. They are torpedoing this hometown date and brought more drama in ten minutes than what’s-his-name did all season.
Mr. TVRD: Ben? Who’s name you’ve already forgotten.
Mr. H.: He’s basically telling the brothers “I’m going to dump your sister.”
Andrée: That’s the worst part.
Andrée: I have never seen Ben looking like he wanted to duck under a table more than in this episode. It’s definitely been an entertaining one.
Mr. H.: Man, Mr. Spacely must’ve sold a lot of Space Sprockets to get that house.
Andrée: And Charo’s lips.
Elaine: He should have kept Jubilee. Her whole family died in her village in Haiti along with everyone she ever knew so nobody would be gunning for Ben.
Andrée: That would be such a boring hometown though. Walking through the ashes of her family and home. Actually that would make for pretty good TV. Let’s make her The Bachelorette.
Mr. H.: Is it too soon for me to detail my observations about Charo’s lips?
Elaine: Yes, we don’t need to hear your thoughts on Charo’s lips. JoJo’s whining about “all the things that happened today.” I guess she’s thinking about how she bought herself roses and wrote a love note to herself with her left hand and then paid some stoner to play her boyfriend on the phone.
Mr. H.: And she’s humping her ex in 10… 9… 8…
Andrée: Commercial break. He’s whipping her with roses right now. Who do you want, me or Ben? *crack* Yooouuuuu!
Elaine: I guess the brothers like the ex. This is veering into some unsettling old-world territory. All that talk about “giving myself to Ben” last week and now this overly involved family. Whoever marries her will have to give the brothers five goats. Or maybe it’s vice versa. Whatever is going on here is Old Testament.
Andrée: Seems like she is spoken for. At least that is what her family has decided.
Mr. H.: Making that Victoria’s Secret commercial black and white made it very artistic, and I really admire that. I really connect with that vision on an artistic level.
Andrée: They are totally aiming for the women on that one. We’re not sexy, we’re artsy.
Mr. H.: It must be calling out to my inner feminist.
Elaine: Madeleine Albright says there is a special place in hell for women who don’t wear Victoria’s Secret.
Andrée: Yup. It’s probably always having to look at the women that do.
Andrée: An ominous sky shot is the perfect opening for this death sentence for one lucky lady.
Elaine: So they have to fly back to Los Angeles to get dumped? That’s a lot of packing and unpacking for nothing.
Andrée: Technically only one of them is going to get dumped. The other three will get to fly all the way to L.A. for a celebratory glass of champagne.
Mr. H.: Okay, the blonde from Portland cleans up nice.
Andrée: They all do!
Elaine: Who do we think he’s dumping?
Mr. TVRD: JoJo.
Elaine: I concur. Unless he dumps the single mom.
Andrée: Originally I thought Amanda, but now I think JoJo. Who wants those people as in-laws? If that happens though, strong chance she will become The Bachelorette just like Desiree did and then I might have to quit watching again.
Mr. H.: Man, Jojo is just out there with her, uh, assets in that dress. I’m proud of Lauren for taking the bold step of getting her hair done before the rose ceremony.
Andrée: Lauren gets the first rose of the night, of course.
Elaine: Yay, Caila gets to stay! I want her to be The Bachelorette.
Mr. TVRD: Me too.
Elaine: See? This show sucks you in.
Mr. H.: It definitely sucks.
Andrée: JoJo gets the last rose. Man, he dumped Amanda because he didn’t like her kids. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Elaine: Amanda is furious. First she gets taken to McDonald’s for her one-on-one date last week and then he refuses to pay child support.
Mr. TVRD: It would be cool if one of them pulled out a shiv.
Mr. H.: Yeah, nobody wants to date a girl who looks bad in Daisy Dukes.
Andrée: I don’t blame her for being pissed. It’s obvious he just doesn’t want to take on her kids after meeting them. That would be hard to take. Though she is probably used to it, hate to say.
Elaine: Oooh, Amanda agrees with me about having to fly to L.A. to get dumped.
Mr. H.: Wow, this woman is lecturing him for dragging her back to L.A. to be on a TV show that she signed up for, that’s in L.A.?
Elaine: Well, he could have left her in whatever town it was she lives with so she’d have more time to break the news to the kids that their new daddy doesn’t love them. Better luck next time, there’s always Tinder. Swipe right.
Andrée: Would she really prefer to get dumped right in front of her kids?
Mr. H.: Wait a minute—doesn’t she live in Orange County? Isn’t it like an hour away? What is her problem? Oh my God. She’s stricken with first-world problems in such a way that she’s subject to a 60-minute commute….
Andrée: They might make her The Bachelorette. They love single moms. Especially blondes. And if she is the star, they will even color her hair.
Elaine: Agreed. I don’t care for her but the show loves a sorry tale. Listen to that dramatic music.
Mr. TVRD: Imagine being the guy who has to score this mess? Sorry.
Elaine: Why are you apologizing?
Mr. TVRD: I mean I’m sorry this show exists.
Mr. H.: I do like her the best, and she’s definitely the grateful type, and she has a pile of family cash, so I think there’s a lot of room for a cunning con artist to find true love there, and I think giving a whole pack of starving talent show rejects the chance to do that on The Bachelorette would be really moving.
Andrée: She’s the best looking of the crew, and has the best sap story of the girls remaining. And Ben dumped her after meeting her kids, so she will have a lot of people feeling sorry for her. Elaine, you might have lost. Caila has less going for her than all that for exciting story line material.
Elaine: I’m inclined to agree with you. And for some reason Caila gets a lot of Facebook hate. It’ll probably be Amanda. She needs another three-month break away from those kids.
Elaine: Ben cries too much. He’s probably got a diary that he writes in with a pink feathered pen. Ugh, these bloopers are unsettleing.
Mr. H.: Man, don’t talk to a girl’s brothers about degrading positions, even if you are actually bigger than them. This is America. There are guns.
Elaine: He’s just lukcy he didn’t say that to JoJo’s mobster bros.
Mr. TVRD: “I want to bone your sisters.” Nothing freaky, straight up missionary.
Mr. H.: Ben cries every time he sees himself naked.
Andrée: Watching Ben answer questions about the fantasy suite is about as uncomfortable as I can handle on my TV.
Elaine: Okay, gentlemen. What did you think of the episode? Was it an amazing journey?
Mr. TVRD: Journey?
Elaine: Never mind, go back to pretending you lost your cell phone.
Mr. H.: I’m glad that I got to catch up with Mr. Spacely after all these years. I’m sorry that his daughter is dating a loser, but Charo is kind of a score, especially with, well, you know.
Andrée: Hopefully two episodes were enough to keep you guys hooked because the level of enjoyment that I experience watching this show with the men will be sorely missed if it goes back to just us ladies. Except for the past sex romp comments. Those I could totally go without!
So we are down to three girls, one of those with a family who wants Ben dead, another with a family that couldn’t care less and the third he can’t even talk about without crying. I would say that I am excited about next week’s episode but the thought of Ben in a fantasy suite is making these chips mix not so well with my bubbles! With that being said, this was definitely an entertaining episode and I am really glad to see they stepped up the drama just for us! Looking forward to next week and already dreaming up the culinary creations that I will use to attempt to bribe my husband to watch once again! Cheers!
Mr. H.: I hope Ben sleeps with Charo. Oh, sorry, was that the wrap-up?
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 9/8c on ABC