In this week’s episode, The Bachelor analyst and Canadian philosopher Andrée H. recaps with a little unexpected help—and a lot of side-eye. — Elaine F.

We are down to six girls, Emily Ferguson, the fast-food loving twin from Vegas; JoJo Fletcher, the unicorn head, who Ben loves like a sister; Lauren Bushnell, the bore-you-to-tears flight attendant; Amanda Stanton the baby momma with a baby voice; Calia Quinn, the short and adorable girl from the convenience store hot tub date, and finally, Becca Tilley, the attention-seeking waste of space from Chris Soules’ season (Sorry, Mom).

Ben picks Lauren for a one-on-one hometown tour
Photo: ABC

Ben Higgins takes the ladies to Warsaw, Indiana and one “lucky” lady gets to meet his parents. With the promise of a final four on the horizon, we have two gut-wrenching heartbreaks in store. And as an added bonus, we forced our husbands to watch along and grace us with their commentary. So sit back and settle in for the most dramatic recap of The Bachelor ever!

Andrée: After watching the special last night I am all revved up for an awesome show tonight! I hope my expectations are met!

Elaine: I’m excited. We haven’t had a satisfactory amount of fights this season, but there will certainly be lots of tears.

Andrée: I am making my husband watch it with me tonight. He’s not thrilled, but thankfully both he and Ben are from Indiana so already the show is scoring some points with him.

Elaine: I hope he weighs in. Mr. TV Recaps fled, maybe if I tell him Mr. H. is watching, he’ll at least wander through the living room.

Andrée: I always like seeing where their hometown is although most of the time they haven’t lived there in like 10 years and it gives no real insight into their lives.

Elaine: Mr. TV Recaps isn’t going to watch. I told him Mr. H. is watching and he said: “Why is he watching? Save yourself, man!” He’ll have to edit, so he’s not totally off the hook.

Andrée: Mr. H. has this weird thing about wanting me to sit next to him while he plays video games. So tonight, he has to suffer through The Bachelor if he wants that. He actually really enjoyed laughing at yesterday’s special.

Elaine: I think it’s sweet that he wants you to sit next to him. I don’t like the specials. Just give me the main show, “The Women Tell All”, and “After the Final Rose.” I’m in it for the bloodsport.

Andrée: Six women for his hometown seems like a lot.

Elaine: The foliage and lake are  pretty. Warsaw, Indiana has more charm than that hellscape from Chris Soules’ season. Remember when the girls took the totally unscripted ride to see his hometown on their own? They freaked out about how dead it was?

Andrée: How could I forget? That was a terrifying episode. At least Ben told his parents that JoJo is incredibly beautiful. It seems like all he ever gives her is sister love.

Elaine: This diner scene with his parents is cute. I think that was a consolation compliment. Ben may find JoJo incredibly beautiful, but he’s not that into her.

Andrée: She reminds me a lot of this chick from Bachelor Australia who got nothing but sister love the entire time. She was a little oddball too, coincidentally. 

Elaine: I can’t believe you’ve seen the international Bachelor. Is it the same format?

Andrée: Only the Australian and UK versions. I am picky about my international TV. I can only learn to understand so many accents.

Elaine: Understandable.

Andrée: I love that Emily is talking about wanting to start a family right away. Out of everybody on the show, she is the furtherest away from being ready to start a family.

Elaine: Emily is just saying that because she thinks that’s what she’s supposed to say. No way is a Vegas chick whose occupation is listed as “twin” ready to settle down.

Andrée: Lauren B. gets the first one-on-one date with Ben. He gives her 30 minutes to get ready but that looks like it won’t be a problem because she is already fully decked out in hair and makeup.

Elaine: Could the other girls look more sour? Becca, JoJo and Amanda look angry.

Andrée: It’s so funny how something as simple as Ben asking someone out directly rather than sending the date card is enough to make every other girl in the house doubt their standing with Ben.

Mr. H.: Bitch, you are on a game show about dudes asking chicks out and now you’re all pissed that this dude is asking a chick out. It’s like being on The Price is Right and being all pissed that someone else is guessing the prices.

Elaine: Exactly! Now you understand the core of The Bachelor.

Andrée: There are no roses on the individual dates but I don’t feel like with Ben that makes much of a difference, since he is such a nice guy. Eww. Why are you taking Lauren to the place where you had your first kiss? They look so natural together I have to say, she is my frontrunner these days.

Elaine: Absolutely. They’ve had the most believable connection since their first one-on-one. It’s not a showmance. He hasn’t shown that much interest in the other five girls. Well, maybe Caila because they had two one-on-one dates. I’m surprised Becca is still there. Sorry, Andrée’s mom! 

Andrée: I wonder if he will take her to the first place he got to third base and go for the home run?

Elaine: “This is my church. This used to be a movie theater. This is where I worked.” Hopefully, there is something interesting to see.

Andrée: Nope, basketball. This is a standard wifey test to see if these women can handle tons of children; Lauren B. is holding her own, probably her flight attendant skills coming into play! I love how kids think a kiss is such a big deal.

Mr. H.: What are they going to do in front of these kids if he gets a slam-dunk?

Elaine: I’m trying to guilt Mr. TV Recaps into watching, so far he’s not taking the bait. Oh well, he delivered on Valentine’s Day. Totally met all the tyrannical requirements.

Andrée: I think what convinced Mr. H., was showing him Elan Gale’s Instagram. Now that he knows that guy is the brains behind the show he can appreciate the humor in it more.

Mr. H.: Looks like the Pacers finally found a team they can beat.

Elaine: There is nothing romantic about having to get sweaty and play basketball with a bunch of kids. They are really precocious, too bad my heart is so cold, hard and black. I am not moved.

Andrée: But Ben’s going to be an amazing dad, Elaine, so this date is just perfection.

Mr. H.: If you are lucky I’ll take you back to Pekin, Indiana and show you why they called me Goat Boy.

Andrée: I am not sure why you let Mr. H. be involved in this recap, Elaine.

Elaine: Mr. H. should be involved with all of these recaps. I’m concerned about this Goat Boy business.

Mr. H.: She’s the first girl that good-looking to leave town not pregnant or for that matter to leave that town.

Andrée: Mr. H. likes to forget where he came from. I guess he doesn’t want to divulge his goat secrets.

Elaine: If he hadn’t met you, Mr. H. would have made an intriguing Bachelor. He’d have broken the franchise.

Andrée: I would hate to see the contests he’d make them do. Oh, back on! I almost forgot we were watching for a second there! Date card has arrived. Color me incorrect, Ben still does live in his hometown. I should have known.

Elaine: No, you had it correct. According to his bio, he lives in Denver. They play that down. This franchise has really been pushing the whole small town thing lately.

Mr. H.: This girl has clown makeup.

Andrée: He’s talking about Lauren B. Maybe a little too much blush? Give the girl a break, they don’t give them makeup artists.

Elaine: Mr. H. hasn’t watched this show enough to realize that this is the natural look.

Mr. TV Recaps: Lauren doesn’t blink enough.

Elaine: Hey, look who just joined the party!

Andrée: I don’t know why Lauren bothered to bring up the nonsense about her not being real. He sent the girl who accused her home so obviously he didn’t have any issues.

Elaine: There’s nothing dramatic about Lauren so the producers had to give her some conflict, no matter how lame and inconsequential. Okay, now they are at his favorite bar.

Mr. H.: A “dive” bar? With stained glass? What a spoiled little prick.

Mr. TVRD: I thought maybe that’s how they did it in Indiana.

Mr. H.: If they did it like we do in Indiana, she’d be a Grandma by now.

Andrée: Woah. We got another love bomb. I think most of these girl have now said I love you.

Mr. H.: This date also “helped me realize a lot of my feelings about Ben.” None of them good.

Elaine: Not to start any trouble, but at first glance, which girl does Mr. H. like the best?

Mr. H.: Out of this crew?

Elaine: Yes. You have six options

Mr. TV Recaps: So, this isn’t where he really lives? What if you go to his apartment and he has a bunch of skulls and bloody serrated knives.

Mr. H.: If that was the case, he’d go to a lot cooler dive bar.

Elaine: Sadly, Ben is way too tame for that. He may have removed a tag from a mattress once.

Mr. H.: The one has clown makeup, the other one I can just tell smells like peroxide. I can’t even think about the others because I’m watching Ben’s eyebrows lust after each other.

Elaine: Hee! I never noticed his eyebrows and now I’ll be fixated on them.

Andrée: JoJo’s turn for a one-on-one. I hope that Ben doesn’t give her the sister treatment, but my expectations are not high for this one.

Mr. H.: Ahh, no underwear. Notice when she jumped up to hug him, no whale tail, no VPL!

Andrée: Very observant honey Also no panties with jeans, owwww.

Mr. TV Recaps: Why do they need such a big van to take her from place to place? Is this a hostage situation?

Andrée: Blah, blah, blah, The Cubs. I think I’m tuning out. He just called her Joj. That’s the friend zone to me.

Mr. TV Recaps: Oh, JoJo is unicorn head? She lasted longer than I expected.

Andrée: Yup, and I am pretty sure she has been in the friend zone from day one.

Ben and his bro, JoJo, at Wrigley Field
Photo: ABC

Mr. H: She’s one of the only people in a Cubs uniform to hit a ball in that stadium.

Mr. TV Recaps: She said, “Oh, I have to chase it?” Yes, he hit the ball so you have to chase it.

Andrée: Becca is whining and complaining as she does. Bored.

Mr. H.: New rule. Your roots can never be darker than your fake tans.

Elaine: If they enacted that rule, there wouldn’t be anyone on this show.

Andrée: At least JoJo got a kiss in the middle of the field. Though I feel like I am watching him kiss his sister. It’s kind of creepy.

Mr. H.: I hope this guy brushes his teeth between making out with these girls. I mean seriously, it’s pretty gross.

Elaine: Word. I frequently am bothered by this. I’d be an awful orgy participant because of my OCD side.

Andrée: Bring rubber gloves and Lysol to the party.

Mr. H.: If any of these people showed up with gingivitis, they’ve all got it now.

Andrée: Funny there was a dentist on at the beginning of the show who said the very same thing, but she’s long gone now.

Elaine: Yes, Mandi the dentist who dressed up like a giant rose. She gave him a dental exam at the cocktail party. He should have kept Mandi.

Mr. H.: Seriously I wouldn’t make out with any of these girls.

Elaine: Mr. TV Recaps claims that none of these girls are his type. I thought he’d like Caila. He likes short girls so I’ll have backup if Andrée makes any more comments about Caila’s height.

Mr. H.: When does the good TV come on?

Elaine: Lot’s of my fellow people of color in the commercials tonight. Am I suddenly the demographic? I’ll believe it when Jubilee is the Bachelorette. A TV commercial with Drake is not going to sway me. Of course, I’m watching so I guess my words will fall on deaf ears.

Mr. H.: The Cubs will win a World Series before Warsaw, Indiana breaks the people of color curse on The Bachelor.

Andrée: Now they are going to eat in the middle of the field. Ben feels like she is pulling away.

Mr. H.: Yeah, I am pulling away also.

Elaine: This date with JoJo is interminable. No sparks at all. Just a couple of bros hanging out at the ballpark. All by themselves. Dining on the field.  Mr. TVRD had to make a phone call, allegedly. Come back for the crying, hon!  Ben is about to blame JoJo for not opening up to him. This sounds like a breakup speech.

Andrée: It did seem like JoJo started right out on the defensive. I don’t get why Becca thinks she has something going with Ben, I just don’t see it.

Elaine: Becca needs to give it up. Sorry, Andrée’s Mom!  Did Ben and Becca do anything other than the wedding chapel date in Vegas?

Mr. H.: I’m also feeling “scared and vulnerable.”

Mr. TV Recaps: What’s with all of this “scared?” Is this the GOP primary? Have they been listening to a Trump speech?

Mr. H.: If I took a shot every time Ben said something interesting I could be a Mormon.

Elaine: Drink when you hear the words “amazing,” “journey,” “awesome” and “the right reasons.” Andrée, did you teach your husband nothing about the drinking game?

Andrée: He said that he wants to say sober, otherwise he might start thinking these women are hot. I get that, but I like to stay drunk so that I can hate on everybody and pretend like this is actual entertainment.

Elaine: I get drunk so that I can hate on everybody and pretend like this is an actual job.

Mr. TV Recaps: You can’t give more than 100%, JoJo. It’s impossible. I hate that expression.

Andrée: But you can definitely give yourself to Ben, JoJo. I hope they tape it. That would be far more interesting to watch than this. You should wear the unicorn head, really spice things up.

Elaine: Are you advocating a Ben/JoJo sex tape? It makes me uncomfortable when she says, “give myself to Ben.” It sounds like this is some sort of weird old-country thing. Like there will be a dowry and some sheep and a bloody bedsheet for evidence. Yuck!

Andrée: I am only advocating it if she wears the head, otherwise I am out.

Elaine: So you want a sex tape that includes head? I’m just clarifying.

Andrée: I just spit out my mimosa. This happens every time I blog with you, by the way.

Elaine: Same here. 

Andrée: Group date time: Becca, Caila and Amanda. Pulling up to a farm in a limo. Classy? I am not sure. They are going out on row boats. Could be a The Notebook moment, if it wasn’t a foursome.

Elaine: If only Ryan Gosling would show up.

Andrée: Just as I said, The Notebook, Becca says it.

Mr. TV Recaps: What’s with the boats? Is he just going to awkwardly be in a boat with one of them and not the others.

Andrée: Answer: Yes!  I am over group dates, too. Uh-oh, Amanda wore heels to a group date on a farm, that might just be enough for her to get the boot. Being all girl like and such.

Mr. H.: My God.

Elaine: Being girly is a drawback on this show. You have to pretend that there is nothing more enjoyable than sitting around in a sweatshirt, watching sports and drinking beer. That’s why you get “cool girls” like Kaitlyn Bristowe instead of ultra-feminine girls like Britt Nilsson. Yes, I’m still bitter about that.

Mr. TV Recaps: He said, “This rose has a lot of weight.” Truth is, it weighs just as much as any other rose of the same size. I would also just like to say that The Bachelor is a great advertisement for arranged marriages because this looks like such an ugly, painful process.

Elaine: The pain and ugliness is the best part. Unlike how much Ben want’s to squeeze Amanda’s kids.

Mr. H.: Wow, this guy is going around squeezing families now. Is this a threat? Amanda is the one who brought it up, is this a thing?

Mr. TV Recaps: The squeezing sounds suggestive.

Andrée: Becca just looks perma miserable. She basically just told him that she doesn’t feel anything for him. Then she said I like you so much it freaks me out. I just hate her. I just do.

Elaine: Becca is trying to save face. She realizes that he’s not that into her. The only reason she’s there is for stunt casting. Sorry, Andrée’s Mom!  Ben always turns it around on the women when they say they are insecure. I see his breakup style is very, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Mr. H.: Blindside her! Do it! Do it!

Elaine: That’s the spirit. It’s all about the pain! Just like ultimate fighting, except without the folding chairs being slammed on people’s heads.

Mr. TV Recaps: There is no actual chair-throwing in ultimate fighting.

Elaine: Yes, there is. I saw it on TV.

Mr. H.: Yeah, I am feeling the pain.

Elaine: Oooh, he just offered to “grab” Caila. I hope that’s a good “I’m giving you a rose” grab and not a “I’m sending you home” grab. I’d be stunned if he kept his bro, JoJo, over a cutie like Caila.

Mr. H.: He was squeezing, now he’s grabbing.

Andrée: Yup, grabbing Caila, then squeezing her and giving her smooches.

Mr. H.: Does everyone get veneers before they go on The Bachelor?

Andrée: Another sob story. I moved a lot. I don’t have deep roots. Is that the best you can scrape up, Caila?

Mr. H.: The blondes on this show have deep roots.

Elaine: I think Caila’s talk about being moss or whatever she’s yammering about may turn him off. He wants a girl with deep ties to her family. I want him to cut Caila soon, so that she is in the running to be The Bachelorette.

Mr. H.: So let’s see if he stuffs his tree in their moss.

Andrée: So Amanda gets the rose. Now I am going to say what I say every time The Bachelor goes to a mom’s hometown and meets her children. You better marry her or you are a bastard. Becca is crying because she didn’t get picked for the rose. I mean cry me a river, then go row a boat in it. Who cares?

Elaine: Remember how Renee Oteri, the mom on Juan Pablo’s, season was begging for a kiss? She was thirsty. The mom card doesn’t seem to be all that effective. Have any of the moms “won” or become Bachelorette? I don’t remember.

Andrée: Amanda, on the other hand, is the opposite of thirsty. She and Ben like to make girl’s hair bows instead of making out. Such an exciting show we watch. I don’t know about the US version, but I saw a mom win on one of the Australian versions and it warmed the cockles of my heart.

Elaine: Juan Pablo had a daughter, whom we heard about non-stop. I think when the men have kids, it’s all, “Awwww!” With the women, it’s more of a liability—especially if they have custody and dump the kids to go on a dating show. Of course, if they don’t have custody, that’s also a problem.

Andrée: For women, it’s baggage and for men, it shows they can be committed.

Elaine: Exactly.The system is rigged. Of course, I totally think it’s sweet when it’s a dad, so I’m part of the problem. Damn, society!

Andrée: More crying, Becca? GO HOME. That’s what you should do. I don’t know why you are here.

Mr. H.: Man, she is the lamest chick that ever lived.

Andrée: Sorry, Mom, looks like you are the only one on the Becca bandwagon.

Mr. H.:  Sorry, Mom-in-law!

Elaine: I’m glad that I’m not alone here. Sorry, Andrée’s mom!

Elaine: Caila’s story about not having roots is just not enough. Jubilee lost her whole family, her whole Haitian village, her whole everything. She is cursed to walk the earth alone forever. Everyone she ever met died, so sorry, Caila.

Andrée: Wait, Amanda and Ben’s date is working at a fast food restaurant? Seriously? Did they get paid at least?  Wow, they even get to eat the fast food. What a classy date. Guess he thinks moms don’t have high expectations for nights out.

Elaine: What, the hell? McDonalds!

Mr. TV Recaps: He took her to McDonalds! This was somebody’s idea of what they wanted to do? Yay, I want to work a minimum-wage job! Dafuq?

Ben takes Amanda out for a night of product placement

Mr. H.: So I like this date because it makes me look like a good catch. With all those kids they are getting ready for life on a budget.

Elaine: Did Amanda just say, “I feel like I would have been so happy coming home after McDonalds”? I will say this: Bravo to Ben for showing what kind of life she’d actually have. It’s not all hot air balloons and sitting in a hot tub in the middle of a convenience store with Kevin Hart.

Andrée: It’s a fair! Oooh, fairs are really fun real-life dates. I love how whenever a small town gets a reality star the whole town comes out and throws a celebration just so they can all get on TV. I think it’s adorable.

Mr. H.: Notice the whole town didn’t come out to celebrate Making of a Murderer?

Andrée: Touché. Probably because it was a documentary. Not nearly as fun as reality TV.

Elaine: We need to discuss Making of a Murderer. Steven Avery is totally guilty. J’accuse!

Andrée: You think he’s guilty, eh? Oh, this is a whole other blog.

Elaine: Yay, a fair! I would love this date. Fried dough, prizes.

Andrée: Yeah, why did they waste their time on McDonalds when they could have BeaverTails?

Mr. H.: They only have BeaverTails in Canada, remember?

Andrée: Oh yeah, elephant ears then or whatever you Americans strangely name your fried dough with sugar.

Elaine: Sex videos featuring head, beavers, tail. Why must you always make the recap so dirty?

Andrée: My running theory is I was meant to be European.

Mr. H.: That’s all Warsaw, Indiana needs, another single mom.

Andrée: Well, if Amanda moves to Warsaw she won’t be single anymore now, will she? Okay, so the previews show that he is going to introduce Emily to his parents. Why?

Elaine: I have no idea! Maybe to fool the audience into thinking she’s a contender? There is no way he’s picking her over Lauren B. I could see him taking Amanda. No way is he bringing her home and saying, “Hi Mom. Here’s Emily, she’s a career twin.”

Mr. H.: What you “can be in the future” is giving an interview about your breakup with Ben, Emily.

Elaine: Mr. H. is really getting into the spirit. Welcome to Bachelor Nation.

Andrée: The girls are all flipping out thinking he is bringing Emily home to meet his parents. I don’t really blame them, she is such a child. “A bright-eyed puppy” is actually a pretty bang-on description. I can’t figure out for the life of me why he is bringing her to meet his parents.

Emily goes home
Photo: ABC

Elaine: Emily just said: “Don’t laugh, are those swans?” and “You said, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ Does that mean I’m going to meet your mom and your dad?” Yes, Emily. And that’s water. And you are in a boat. And his name is Ben. And your name is Emily. You are a twin. This show is called The Bachelor. Those are cameras. You are on TV. This is called sarcasm.

Mr. H.: But hey she’s better than average, or she will be someday. “I will be a better than average mom.” That was the best.

Elaine: Emily has her hopes and dreams set on mediocrity.

Andrée: I like having hubby on the recap, makes me look like a saint in comparison.

Elaine: I want Mr. H. to watch with us from now on.

Elaine: Wow, Emily is babbling to Ben’s mom. Not good. Don’t let his mom smell blood in the water. Did she bring a gift? You’ve got to bring flowers.

Mr. TV Recaps: Yeah, that’s what you want. Someone whose aspiration is to be a cheerleader.

Elaine: No shade directed at cheerleaders, but I’m not sure she should have led with that.

Andrée: “Blossomed into the woman that I am”: Emily, my love, you are not a woman. How you will know is when you look back on that statement and just shake your head. His mother is like “Kill me.”

Mr. H.: His mother is looking at her like she’s an idiot.

Andrée: His mother’s descriptions about Emily are: young, excited, young.

Mr. H.: His Mom hates her.

Andrée: I just realized Ben brought Emily on this date so that he can have his mom break up with her instead, or, at the very least, take the blame.

Elaine: That’s what Ben does. So passive-aggressive, is he not? Emily isn’t winning over the father either. Does Ben’s family have a dog? The dog should come out to pee on her leg and bite her ankles. Poor Emily, it’s a trap!

Mr. H.: *Laughing heartily* Ben brought a bar hoe home to meet his Mom.

Andrée: His mom is trying to talk him out of it.

Mr. H.: *Laughing so hard he’s slapping his legs* Emily is so awful that Ben’s mom is crying.

Mr. TV Recaps: When your mother is crying about the possibility of you marrying some chick that you barely know, maybe you want to reconsider it.

Andrée: This is tragic. And poor Emily thinks that it is going so well that she is on cloud nine. I wonder if he is going to have the balls to actually not offer her the rose tonight. He really just needs to man up and tell her that she needs to, well, woman up.

Elaine: This is almost cruel. Fortunately, I have a cold, hard, black heart. She thinks she’s got this in the bag.

Mr. H.: I “can’t describe the feelings I am having” either.

Andrée: Ah poor thing, she said “This is the beginning.”

Mr. H.: No, I think this is the end.

Andrée: The girls are all watching and are confused that Emily looks happy, aka, she hasn’t been dumped yet.

Elaine: Poor Emily. She is truly blindsided. Look at Ben wiping away a crocodile tear.

Andrée: “I just don’t think I can see you being my wife” OUCH. Zinger.

Mr. H.: Mayday! Mayday!

Andrée: She looks dumbfounded. All the girls are watching trying to figure out if she’s sad.

Mr. H.: Speaking of cheerleaders these girls are going to burst out into a cheer any second now.

Elaine: So true. They are going to high-five and cackle the minute the camera is off. Bye, Emily. We’ll see you on the toxic landfill that is Bachelor in Paradise. And all kidding aside, good luck with the cheerleader thing. You can do better than Ben. One day, you’ll find a 70-year-old with lots of money at the Vegas buffet.

Mr. H.: That’s what I was looking for before I met Andrée.

Andrée: Yeah problem is, you aren’t 70 so you just don’t have enough game yet for a prize like Emily!

Mr. H.: I actually meant a 70-year-old woman with money, but it’s nice to know you think I am shallow.

Andrée: Well, you married me, so I figured. But back to this breakup, and right in front of the other girls, so awkward. The twins are going to be on Bachelor in Paradise, no question, but personally I don’t think they are going to add to the show in any way; they are so boring and immature. Though, Ashley I. is the definition of immature and she is one of the only things that made last season watchable.

Mr. H.: BOOM!

Andrée: Here comes the waterworks. And we are down to five. Not #twinning

Mr. H.: Even the way she walks is embarrassing.

Andrée: Rejection is what hurts the most. Well yeah.

Mr. H.: You sounded like such an idiot, it made his mom bawl.

Andrée: Another teary van exit. Jeez, how far do you have to make it these days to get a limo home? Final two? They’ve really tightened up the budget.

Elaine: Dare I say, Emily made as dignified of an exit as you get at this point in the game? I can’t believe I’m saying that. Emily, may the future be filled with swans.

Mr. H.: The most exciting thing I have ever seen Ben do is dump Emily.

Elaine: There will hopefully be more tears within the next 15 minutes. Damn, those church bells sound ominous, do they not? In a horror movie, this would signify death. Caila thinks “something feels off.” Yes, Caila. He’s about to lure you into a white van and take you to a dungeon.

Mr. TV Recaps: Five girls? I thought we were down to three.

Elaine: You just want this to be over.

Mr. TV Recaps: The idea that there are more of them just makes me think that this might keep going on. FOREVER.

Andrée: The cocktail parties are always so gloom and doom once it gets down to only a few ladies. Ben keeps saying in the previews that he falls in love with two women, I am thinking it will be Lauren and Calia because it seems like they are the only two he has any actual sparks with. I think he is actually forcing himself to kiss Sister JoJo.

Elaine: I don’t know why JoJo is still here. I’m going to be mad if we get stuck with her as the Bachelorette. I don’t even want her on Bachelor in Paradise.

Andrée: I would be good with her doing Bachelor in Paradise with the unicorn head and hooking up with Jorge the bartender. That would add all sorts of entertainment value. It must be incredibly cold out because they never let them wear jackets. We are at the rose ceremony now, Amanda has her rose in hand so she’s the only one breathing easy.

Mr. TV Recaps: I think that we can all see that there is one rose left, Chris Harrison. Thanks for the obvious.

Andrée: Lauren B. gets the first rose, JoJo gets the second rose and it’s down to Becca and Caila for the final rose. Caila gets the final rose. YES!

Mr. H.: Kaboom.

Andrée: Sorry Mom, but SQUEEEEE time for a refill and cheers to your departure, Becca!

Elaine: Yassssssss!

Mr. TV Recaps: I think Ben made the right choice.

Ben blindsides Becca and annoys Andrée’s mom

Elaine: Please go home now, Becca. You know how this game works.

Andrée: She’s now asking him over and over “Why did you do that?” “I asked you one thing.” His response is that even until a second ago he was uncertain about this. He’s just not that into you. Nothing else needs to be said. Way to make him feel worse. I feel like this show just got 25% better.

Elaine: Yes, I like the bitter tears. There was not enough sorrow this season.

Andrée: A LIMO!!!!! So I guess the answer is, you have to be in the top five for a teary limo ride home. I bet my Mom is crying right now.

Elaine: We love you, Andrée’s mom. You need to see Mr. TV Recaps’ face during his first ever limo-cry scene. I had to explain that this is the second time Becca Tilly has been on The Bachelor.

Mr. TV Recaps: Becca says: “Why do I keep putting myself in this position?” Yeah, that’s a very good question.

Elaine: Nobody wants to be alone, Becca. Do you think Jubilee wanted to be alone? She is wandering around her deserted village right now, so suck it up.

Mr. H.: Becca said “Why do I put myself in this position?” Because you want to be on TV. Obviously. If you don’t want to be alone, maybe you shouldn’t compete with 24 other women for the same dude. Just throwing it out there.

Mr. TV Recaps: Do they always have candles sitting around like that on the street in Warsaw? That seems highly unsafe.

Andrée: So next week we get to meet the girls’ parents. I love hometowns. Love them. Can’t wait. Things are finally getting fun. We should totally play a drinking game next week, but we will have it make it a bit challenging as I will still need to be able to type.

Elaine: These previews look terrific. Oh, the pain. It’s going to suck if Amanda’s kids meet their new daddy only to be rejected.

Mr. H.: My God. The ending montage.

Mr. TV Recaps: Dear God. “The bees are in my head” is something that we should say forever. The bees are in my head. The bees are in my head.

Elaine: Last week it was a bat. This week it’s insects.

Andrée: It seems to be the one and only Bachelor blooper. That and falling in evening gowns. There is always lots of that.

Mr. H.: Can we watch a good show now?

Andrée: You were a good boy and sat through The Bachelor.  I’ll do you one better and make you a treat!

Elaine: Thank you for that amazing and awesome journey, Mr. H. and Mr. TV Recaps. You both were here for the right reasons.

Andrée: That was so fun! But my fingers are sore! Off to the kitchen for treats and a refill! I’m going to definitely need another drink after watching two breakups in one show!

Final Four: Amanda, Lauren B, JoJo, Calia

Buh-bye: Emily and Becca

This was by far the most interesting episode this season. That may be this way due to the banter from our men, but I was entertained. I am very intrigued about the fact that Ben supposedly falls in love with two women. The show finally got the hang of making this boring man interesting to watch. With the last of the twins and Becca gone, things are serious. I am ready to make my final predictions. I think that JoJo will go next, followed by Amanda leaving Calia and Lauren to the final two; then he is going to swoop in and go for the flight attendant for the win. Am I right? Who do you think will win Ben’s heart? The only way we’ll find out is to keep on watchin’, so get your wine and unwilling husbands ready to do it all again next week!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.