Bachelor in Paradise: Week 5, Night 1
Bachelor in Paradise’s summer is ending soon. On, the upside, there is only so much of this mess I can take, on the downside, I look forwarding to the insights of Canadian expat and rose ceremony reviewer, Andrếe H. Let’s go! — Elaine
’It’s the second to last week of my favorite show! We can expect some new arrivals for sure, and I am *hoping* a Bachelor announcement! Come on, Chad!!!
Andrée: I am excited about this episode! This has to be the only show in the Bachelor franchise that I cannot wait to see each week. It keeps me on the edge of my seat.
Elaine: Ooooh, I know I violated your rule about ignoring previews, but this looks dynamite! Tears! Breakups! New guy! Men fighting! I’m psyched! Again, thank you for making me watch this glorious foolishness.
Andrée: I am not going to lie — I watched too! CATFIGHT! I mean Josh and Nick aren’t the manliest men out there so I think I’m good to say that. I didn’t notice Ashley I.’s virginal scene in the opening credits. Awesome.
Elaine: Oh, yay! The catfight is still on. My girl, Caila, is a scrappy fighter, she set Ashley off by referring to Jared and herself as “we” and then sweetly says she knows Jared loves Ashley like a sister. See? This is one of the reasons I’m Team Caila. Cute, flirty, fun and bubbly on the outside, a lethal warrior inside. And you know, I will always support my fellow fun-size sisters.
Andrée: “He loves you as a sister.” Ouch, Caila! Zinger. I also love how Caila said in her interview that Ashley is here for the wrong reasons. I am sure that the producers put her up to that. Ashley wants to kill herself. Nooo, don’t do it Kardashian Barbie!
Elaine: Aww, Ashley lost her dog. I love, love, love dogs. The loss of a dog is heartbreaking; Ashley had better not be taking her dog’s death in vain for attention.
Andrée: Now that’s a real reason to cry, Ashley. Every time I hear about a dog dying; I start crying thinking about the day my doggie will die, and I just can’t handle that thought. She’s praying to her dog, interesting. It looks like her dog came through for her!
Elaine: Oooh, Wells is here. I remember his face. He’s a real cutie. Look at them all trying to get him to take Ashley on a date.
Andrée: I do not remember him at all, what season is he from? Don’t pick a twin, pick Ashley! Even the other single girls are telling him to pick Ashley LOL, I’ve never seen that happen!
Elaine: I don’t remember his season and you know I’m not going to Google it. He fell for it!
Andrée: He probably thinks she has to be the greatest match in the world for him if every single person there suggested her. Everyone starting cheering! Hahaha. I almost fell over. When I see Caila with Jared, I just don’t feel like she’s into him. It does look like he’s way more into her. He goes in to make out, she gives him a peck then leans backward.
Elaine: Regardless of the likelihood, my girl wants to extend her life in the franchise. I think Caila likes Jared, well enough. Ashley’s favorite band is Hanson.That’s grounds for dismissal. Even Nickelback would be a less embarrassing choice. But how refreshing to see Ashley having a non-psycho moment.
Andrée: I amazingly know one other person who’s favorite band is Hanson. Wells does not respect her answer. She is legit obsessed with them too. Those tacos look incredibly difficult to eat. Why are they flat? Why? Aww, they are feeding doggies. Awwww.
Elaine: Those are wild rabid dogs. This date is going to end exactly like a Game of Thrones episode I saw.
Andrée: If that’s the case I am going to have to look away like I did with that dog scene in GOT. Ashley always has the best dresses. I want her wardrobe. And her false lashes. I want things to work out with Wells for her. That could be wonderful. I just don’t get what Grant sees in Lace, to me she is just such a trainwreck.
Elaine: I do adore false eyelashes. You know this show better than I do, is it contractually required that couples start to fight and break up toward the end of the show? First Izzy and Vinny aka Who? Now Lace and Grant.
Andrée: I picture the producers just filling their heads with nonsense when they are at maximum-liquor intake and causing as many breakups as possible. They probably get breakup and engagement bonuses on this one. Grant should just let her walk away. Why do you need all that drama in your life?
Elaine: Question: Josh is making a point of saying all these sweet things to Amanda, but do you think he’s saying some of those things to stick it to Andi Dorfman? I’m okay with that. Andi was grating. I just wonder if this is a showmance to tick off Nick and get in some digs at his ex.
Andrée: Josh is such a dick. I seriously hate him. I know nothing about him aside from this season, but I just think he is the worst. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that were the case.
Elaine: All kidding aside, we know our Chad can be an agro mess, but something about Josh is creepy, no? Yes, Chad issues death threats when he’s drunk and might drag you by the hair to his bunker and hold you captive until you say you love him, but Josh gives me the willies. For real.
Andrée: He woke Amanda up just to be a dick to her. I’m sure she will have great dreams now. Watching his sex dream is enough to make me vomit.
Elaine: Whaaa? I missed that part. Thank you, Baby Jesus.
Elaine: For the contestants who didn’t get that far on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, the rose ceremony rejection must sting more because it’s more intimate. On the main shows, it’s a matter of thinning the herd; on this show, you leave because nobody wants you.
Andrée: That is a valid point. You aren’t being rejected by one person you are being rejected by six. Carly’s outfit is one of the worst I’ve seen. A tube top with matching arm sleeves? What the living hell?
Elaine: Who? You know I won’t discuss her. I want to talk about Josh. I want to know every sordid detail, but I am not going to buy any book written by grating Andi Dorfman. It’s a quandary.
Andrée: We should just find an online blog that reveals the dirt on Josh that was in the book. I guess this fight with Nick is going to be happening post-rose ceremony. Prediction, we will see two seconds of the fight and it will be “Continued on tomorrow’s shocking episode of Bachelor in Paradise!” So far, all the roses are predictable; I think that we will be seeing the Canadian going home this week, unfortunately. Uh-oh, the twins are going to drop out and screw over my Canadian. Booooo! Boooooo! No Daniel means no more funny interviews.
Elaine: I thought it was mandatory to always have a Canadian until the final four. Shocker! I’m siding with the twins on something; they aren’t leaving before warning Amanda about Josh. Being the twins, they have to sob their way through the warning.
Andrée: That is something at least. I believe that Josh has anger issues. And he seems like a sly, seedy guy. I don’t like the look of him. Shady.
Elaine: I believe Josh’s story about his dog needing chemo treatments so now I might have to excuse myself and get a tissue. But I still don’t like the way he behaves.
Andrée: I’m not sure that I believe it. I don’t know about dogs, but humans do not go to chemo every single day. I mean it might be true that his dog was sick, but I think he is exaggerating the amount of time he was spending dealing with that. It seems like misdirection at the very least. Now he is calling the entire cast down to the beach.
Elaine: Fight! Fight! Testosterone! Nick won that one if you ask me because he kept his cool. Also, he didn’t want to get slammed by a towering meathead.
Andrée: So his dog is still battling cancer?? What Grade-A douche, go home to your dog, you dick. Step up, Nick! Yes. Good. He’s doing a great job, very calm, very factual. Josh won’t even address the fact that the things Andi said about Nick are true. Ha! Sidenote: Lace just said “I can’t stand her” after Caila asked a question. I can’t stand her either; that’s interesting, I always want to know the things they don’t show us.
Elaine: We’ve talked about this before, stop hating on Caila. I don’t remember you being this hostile to her during Ben’s season, except for comments about her height. She’s a couple of inches taller than me, too so stop that. Jami! Finally a face I recognize. We get a new Canadian for you and a vaguely brownish girl for me in one person. Everybody wins! Wells is a cutie; I don’t blame Jami for picking him as her date. Haha! Ashley overslept, and now her man is out with someone new.
Andrée: Poor Kardashian Barbie, Ashley just cannot catch a break. I guess the early bird gets the Wells! I always feel sorry for the people who show up the last week. I love that everyone on the beach is just staring Ashley down waiting for her reaction. She had no reaction. Amazing.
Elaine: Right? How do they form a bond in such a short amount of time? Off-roading! (That’s what you call it, right?) And a trip to a waterfall.This show is so biased about who gets a good date. Jami gets to show off her body, immediately. No time wasted there. Her bikini matches his swim trunks. Welp, that spells trouble for Ash.
Andrée: This is a super fun date! Much better than the date they sent him on with Ashley and those damn flat tacos. It would be hard not to have a connection with someone in that kind of setting. Asking her if she is a big Batman fan when she has a Batman tattoo on her finger. Now he’s making out with her. Uh-oh.
Elaine: Oh, I thought that Ashley had recalibrated her meds. Guess not. She’s going after Caila. Poor little Caila has been scared off. Or has she? Ashley may be playing herself once again. If Caila says she’s leaving, it’ll make Ashley look really bad. This episode gave me everything I want in my trashy TV. Twin tears, man fights, shocking exits, full-on bitchery. God, I love this show. Thoughts?
Andrée: I’m not surprised that Ashley fell apart the second the new guy she likes isn’t right by her side. She needs constant distraction. I don’t think it is completely unfair of Ashley to ask Caila not to make out with Jared in front of her. I wouldn’t want to see my ex making out with someone right in front of my face. Then again, Ashley shouldn’t have gone on the show in the first place knowing that her ex would be there. The whole situation is just super messy all around. It’s funny how so many people in this episode are talking about leaving; the show is already pretty much over. “There’s so much baggage, and it’s walking around with red lipstick.” That’s a great quote, Caila. So that’s it, Caila is leaving. Sounds good to me. If Jared decides to stay in paradise and not leave with Caila, it would be pretty telling. I’m watching the previews again like a fool. Everyone is going for Wells, the only guy left because the twins were selfish and gave three guys the boot.
Excited for tomorrow! Warning: Next week will get a little boring until we hit the engagements–just want to keep setting the right expectations for you 😀