Photos courtesy of ABC

This might be the darkest episode of The Bachelor ever. Or at least the biggest downer. Special Contributor and Canadian ambassador Andrée H. provides her analysis. — Elaine F.

Secret squeezes, spa games and the ultimate convertible hair are all in store for us on another exciting episode of The Bachelor! Things may have started out slow on this episode with the most normal date ever in Bachelor history, but they heated up quick with Ben Higgins’ bevy of batty bitches in tow!

Andrée: Watching all of these gorgeous women waiting around to get a date card is just sad.

Elaine: Right? They should be hanging out in the pool or exploring same-sex options. Jubilee says a one-on-one date with Ben would be the happiest moment of her life. Jubilee is a war vet. I guess coming home to her family was just kinda “meh.” Well, it’s the happiest day of flight attendant Lauren B.’s life. Too bad , Jubes.

Andrée: You are getting your shows mixed up, exploring same-sex options seems much more Bachelor in Paradise to me! Other than the fact that her name is Lauren I am not remembering her at all.  She seems to be a good fit for him on the surface. Good looking, kind of boring, definitely forgettable!

Elaine: She was the first one in the limo parade. She had on a powder blue mermaid-style dress. Aside from that, she’s not memorable. I wish just for once some girl would come back to the house and proclaim: “That date sucked. Major letdown.” I want to see one of these chicks mercilessly mock the date just like you do in real life.

Andrée: That’s so true eh? “And then, to top it all off, he took off his shirt and there was no six pack in sight. And that’s when I sent you the text telling you to call me with a fake emergency to get me out of there!”

Elaine: Bwahaha!

Andrée: Oh, thank goodness, they reminded us she’s the flight attendant, now I remember her. They should just call them by their occupation and limo-day dress color. If they had said flight attendant, blue mermaid, I’d know exactly who they were talking about. Poor girl spent all that time on her hair, then her date consists of a convertible and flying in an open cockpit airplane. Mind you, I am pretty sure they have a hair and makeup team on hand to refresh them in between locations but still!

Lauren B.

Elaine: Do they? I thought they were on their own. See, that is so inauthentic. On a real date, she should have a poppy seed in her teeth or something.

Andrée: I Googled it and I was totally wrong. They only have hair and makeup for the first couple of rose ceremonies and the final rose ceremony. Other than that they are on their own!

Elaine: Okay, so Ben can fly a small plane, which is cool. I think he’s flying the plane. They are making out so maybe it’s a self-flying plane.

Andrée: He’s not even flying the plane, you can see the pilot tucked in behind them in some of the shots. You would think that a flight attendant would be cool with flying but I guess not! I love that they are flying over the house and making all the other girls see the plane. That’s the most amazing date ever? Um girl, have you not watched this show before? A plane ride is nothing! Is this date going to end with the hot tub? Because I think a plane ride and a dip in the hot tub is one of the lamest Bachelor dates, seconded only to the hot tub in the convenience store last week.

Elaine: You called it! That’s why you are The Bachelor expert. Aw, he took her on a piggyback ride.

Andrée: You can hear Ben getting winded from giving her a piggyback. Like seriously, you should be on Shawn Booth’s workout plan. He’ll help you get shredded.

Elaine: At least this hot tub is in the great outdoors unlike that bizarre convenience store hot tub with Caila.

Andrée: Speaking of which, Calia is bawling her eyes out back at the mansion. You know she is thinking there is no way her convenience store hot tub date is going to keep her as a front runner in his mind when every other girl is going to get a normal romantic date. No worries Calia, there seems to be none of that yet this season!

Elaine: Oh, Caila. Blubbering about the realization that there are other girls. This is called The Bachelor, not Caila’s Totally Monogamous Boyfriend and Future Husband. Suck it up, Caila.

Andrée: Oh thank goodness, Lauren B., gets to have dinner too. It’s not a total loss.

Elaine: This Camarillo Ranch House place looks like a romantic spot. Is it just me, or does this seem like an actual date? Lauren B. seems like a nice girl. Zzzzzzzz. If you’re into the whole “America’s Sweetheart” business, she’s good. It’s not like Ben would know what to do with a vamp. These two seem suited.

Andrée: I knew this season was going to be a bit of a wash for me because he is so boring that he is only going to like the boring girls and they make me want to drown myself in a bathtub of vodka. Why is she talking about her father’s lawn care? Ugh. She’s so boring. You can tell these women back at the mansion are so bored. The arrival of the Date Card is obviously the only interesting thing that happens to them in the run of a day. This is going to be a massive group date! Only Jubilee, Caila, Becca and JoJo don’t have a date so far this week!

Elaine: Ugh, sad story time. This date with Lauren B. was going so well, but now he has to talk about his dad’s heart trouble. On my first date with Mr. TV Recaps, we were discussing our food preferences. What were you and Mr. H. talking about? Keep it clean.

Andrée: If I have to keep it clean then I guess I will just have to decline to answer 😀 But in all seriousness we mostly discussed food. Not much has changed :p She just said “I want to meet your family.” That is not first date material.

Elaine: She’s already angling for that hometown date. As punishment, he should cut her right before the hometown date—or right after meeting her family. That part is always brutal. You have to wonder if he liked you until he met your awful family.

Andrée: Ew, that was a sweaty, awkward kiss. I think Ben is drunk maybe. Another private dance? I didn’t know who the singer was last week and I don’t know again this week. In all fairness, I don’t listen to country so maybe they are a big deal…maybe?

Elaine: I don’t listen to country either, I’ll call them Not The Dixie Chicks.

Andrée: Ben thinks Lauren B. is changing him? Maybe I missed something? Seems like all you did was talk about things your parents like all night.

Elaine: Soccer date. I don’t care. You’re The Bachelor expert; you take over. Wake me up when something good happens.

Andrée: I hate these stupid sports dates too. Okay, so they are at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. First thing Ben does is bring out two members of the US National Team that won the World Cup this summer to teach them how to play soccer. As a Canadian I am really struggling writing soccer and not football but it’s cool. Moving on. They are all sucking.

Elaine: Wait, what?  

Andrée: I mean they all suck and being pretty girly in the practice round, not surprising. I have a feel once it is game on and time with Ben is on the line, they will get more serious about this.

Elaine: Back at the house. Damnit, Jubes, man up. Despite the fact that weepy Jubes is embarrassing herself, I’m glad my fellow women of color have the opportunity to act crazy  on this show. Happy MLK Day, ya’ll.

Andrée: Happy MLK Day! I love that she said she is so much more complicated than any of the girls here. She is right about that though, he is picking the most girl-next-door types possible.

Elaine: Soccer time again. I’m back to not caring.

Andrée: Okay, so we are watching soccer. Chris Harrison has arrived. Breaking them up into two teams: Stars and Stripes. Surprise, surprise, the prize is an after-party and only the winning team gets to go. Now we are going to see some bitches in action. I think that these outfits are pretty cute actually. Totally loving the stars the most. Ben, you suck at motivational speeches. I wonder if any girls are going to get busted up? I feel like one usually does.  Wow. Lace is on this date? She’s been so quiet I almost forgot! I’m glad they split the twins up because now one is going to have the advantage of more time with Ben than the other, mwahaha. Beast mode! Emily is right, she is killing as goalkeeper. That would not be me. I’d be the one rolling my ankle and getting Ben to prop me up. Speaking of, Rachel falls with her leg sticking out all crazy and decides to keep playing. So stripes for the win, the date will continue with Olivia, Leah, Amber, Haley, Lace and Jami. They get bubbles on the field while the losing star team limps home defeated.

Elaine: Wait, Rachel is hurt and some girl is carrying her. Shouldn’t Ben be doing that. Whoa, deducted points. I wouldn’t accept his rose. I’d limp out. Either that or I’d milk it for sympathy.

Andrée: Well, you see, Elaine, the losers are left to their own devices while Ben is partying with the winners. Such is The Bachelor. She got a hug on the field before she had to limp off on her own LOL that’s something isn’t it?

Elaine: She totally missed her chance for attention. That girl from Sean Lowe’s season, Tierra, knew how to milk it. Our girl, Olivia is pulling him aside. I don’t know why those other heifers are so upset; they need to take the initiative. They’ve got nerve making fun of her “fat toes” Olivia is the prettiest one there in my opinion. Oooh, and they are talking about her breath. Didn’t she win the best-smell competition last week? Good for Jami ratting them out.  

Andrée:  I agree, the prettiest one there for sure. Fat toes, fake breasts and horrible breath? That’s so unreal. She totally won the best-smell competition. Even Lace is calling her aggressive. I mean talk about the pot calling the kettle black. She pulls him into a hotel room for her one-on-one time, smart.

Elaine: Okay, thank God, Jubes got a date. This may genuinely be the best thing that ever happened to her. I’m glad for her that she gets to spend some time alone with a man she doesn’t know.

Andrée:  It’s sad she didn’t think she’d get the date over Becca and JoJo. I don’t personally see either of those girls as competition. Back to the post-soccer group date. Why is Amber just sitting there waiting? I mean she has quite a lot of Bachelor history. Why don’t you just grab him for time? That’s what it takes and you know that. Lace is pretty unforgettable on this date surprisingly.

Elaine: Boring Amber finally got attention with that group date rose. I don’t remember her from last season so good for her. She finally got attention.

Andrée:  Why, I don’t know. I feel like this was a pretty boring date for him. He clearly doesn’t want to give Olivia too much attention in front of the other girls because it seemed to me like Olivia’s one-on-one time was the most electric.

Elaine: I know it’s kind of rude of Jubes to give him the business about being late for their one-on-one, but I do like someone acting like a real girlfriend. Still, is this a first for the show? Remember that dating book, The Rules? You’re probably too young for that. I think she may be doing The Rules.

Andree: I don’t remember The Rules actually but I don’t think it’s a good idea to be naggy on this show. I feel like this is the kind of scenario where you want to show the best side of yourself and if the side you show is naggy then what on earth is your bad side going to be like?

Elaine: Helicopter ride to a spa? Niiice. Are the dates getting better? Spitting out the caviar, heh. Jubilee really is going for Most Awkward Date.

Andrée: Good for her, she deserves to relax, she’s been super on edge. I really hope she drops the awkward act though because I would like for her to stick around past today. I can’t believe she made a joke about asking the other girls if they would want her date because she’s afraid of heights. Ben is thinking, “Her favorite food is hot dogs, that’s not looking good for my lifelong dream of a wifey barefoot in the kitchen cooking me food all day.”

Elaine: What the hell is this game they are playing? It’s a spa, get to the facials and massages.

Andrée: Seriously, imagine you land your helicopter at a spa then get handed some sticks and told to play with them.

Elaine: Jubilee is such a weirdo. I think he’s going to ditch her.  On the season preview, we mostly saw her in white, right? She’s wearing white on this date. You’re The Bachelor expert, what do you think?

Andrée: That’s a great observation, to be honest, I hadn’t noticed. I think Ben is too awkward and nice to not give her a rose on the date but I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t last too long after this. Now onto dinner, I can’t believe they didn’t get massages. What a rip-off.

Jubilee

Elaine: It’s cool that he likes her honesty and thinks she’s the realest. He’s kind of right about that. I think crazy ass, drunko Lace is herself too.

Andrée: I think she has finally relaxed enough to drop the awkward act.

Elaine: Whoa, her whole family, died? Okay, she better get a rose because that is probably the saddest of the whole sad-date formula. Now I feel bad about saying that thing about coming home to her family. Well, of course he had to give her a one-on-one date rose. Poor Jubilee. Awww, the cuddling and comfort part of this date makes me love Ben a little bit. Damnit, I’m being sincere. That girl who broke her leg or whatever can suck it.

Andrée: This is so sad, I can’t even watch. I am already hormonal as it is. I didn’t expect for things to get so heavy. If he kicks her off anytime in the next three weeks, he is a dick. He is being really great and supportive though. He seems to be really falling for her at least in this moment. Back at the house the next morning, the ladies are all shocked that Jubliee got the rose. It cracks me up so much, they forget that dates on The Bachelor are designed to make you think you are in love! I love how Lauren H. is like “I know that Ben would want a wife that would get along with all the other soccer moms and like set up playdates.” Coming from the kindergarten teacher I’m thinking that’s more like her ideal.

Elaine: I don’t even remember Lauren H. I’m looking forward to having less girls to keep track of.

Andrée: Amber, Jubilee and Lauren B. are all heading into the rose ceremony with roses in hand.

Elaine: Ben had two people who are very close to his family and pillars of his home community die in a plane crash and he’s still in date mode? Did I hear that right? I don’t have the stamina to rewind. Olivia pulled him outside to discuss her cankles? Okay, she needs to go home. And these girls are all having catty conversations. Is this an editing thing or are they that horrible? They should all go home. Except for whoever comforted him. Was that Lauren B.?

Andrée: Poor Ben, why not postpone this one night? Love that regardless of the tragedy, Olivia goes in for the first conversation. Wait, are you serious she’s crying about her cankles? That seems inappropriate. Now he’s talking to the mom, Amanda. This is better, she’s doing the proper supportive thing.

Elaine: I hate everyone right now. I should go home.

Andrée: Ha! It’s okay, breathe though it, pour some more wine. Also, smart move Jubilee on taking your time to give him a massage. Smart girl.

Elaine: What is happening right now? Why is Amber calling out Jubilee for giving Ben a massage, and doing it in front of Ben? I think Amber and her rose need to hit the road. See you on, Bachelor in Paradise, Amber.

Andrée: It’s a fully clothed back massage. Who cares? I love how it was really Becca and Amber that stirred all that up. Kind of makes me think that the producers told them to. I do like that Jubilee attempted to avoid it by just walking away. And then Amber confronts her about the comment made yesterday about giving up her date to the other girls. Good for Ben for sticking right by Jubilee for all of this. He was pretty stand up, I have to say.

Elaine: Now Lace needs attention? Wow, I’m surprised she left. I guess she sobered up. See you on Bachelor in Paradise, drunko.

Andrée: Lace always needs attention. And she’s been so forgettable this week too. Very strange. Maybe she ran out of crazy pills. Poor Ben just looks exhausted. And this is why you don’t do a cocktail party on the day you found out friends died. “Working on my health,” I am sure she meant mental health there. It’s funny because rose head dentist was fully committed to being the crazy and they dumped her for the real crazy Lace, who then immediately realized she was crazy, stopped being crazy, then left because she didn’t want to be crazy. Side note: In the previews they really made it look like Jubilee was going to go all psycho this episode and she totally did not.

Elaine: Exactly, I’m glad she kept it together. Amber is so boring and forgettable and thirsty for attention. I didn’t remember her from last season, but now she’ll stand out in my mind as a mean girl for trying to call out Jubilee for no good reason. She’s a Mean Girl, but not cool like Regina George. She’s like Gretchen. Stop trying to make fetch happen, Amber.

Andrée: I like how they waited till last to give Olivia the rose. Maybe you shouldn’t cry about your cankles right after he’s told her he just lost two friends. Maybe Shushanna shouldn’t have spent the entire first night speaking in another language! It’s all about getting your time on The Bachelor!

Elaine: Jami says she doesn’t know how to deal with “liking a boy.” Pro tip: Don’t use that expression after high school. Maybe you can get away with it your first two years of college, but that’s it. “My lesson from this is don’t ever expect anything from humans.” Whoa, Jami. Do we need to call suicide hotline? Sheesh.

Andrée: I think she’d make a great cat lady. She has the bitterness against humans down pat. And these girls wonder why they get sent home. I love how Olivia thinks that Ben has this whole secret communication going on with her. I’d love to hear Ben’s thoughts on that. Hopefully they cover it in Bachelor Live, they have Lace on as a guest so I am tuning in. I hope she’s back to full crazy! I don’t like medicated (or unmedicated I still haven’t figured that out) Lace.

Girls with roses: Lauren B., Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H., Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah,  Olivia.

Buh-bye: Lace, Shushanna (who we won’t have to listen to speak Russian again.), Jami.

The previews for next week are looking epic! Things are starting to get good on The Bachelor. Hopefully we’ve gotten to the point that the herd has been trimmed enough that we can enjoy the show rather than trying to figure out who everybody is! There were certainly a lot of surprises in this episode so we can only hope things continue along this path! Until next week, cheers!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.