TV Commentator: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle captured hearts when Harry declared his love and said: Aw hell naw, Karen.

Tha Usual Suspects on Social Media: Why are you enjoying this? There’s suffering in the world. Hold still while I give you the Dementor’s kiss.

The Rest of Us: 

TV Fashion Commentator: Whatever dress Meghan Markle wears is going to get copied by everyone because she’s such a fashion icon. We haven’t seen a royal influence style since Princess Diana!

Kate Middleton: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Newsflash! Meghan has pushed back her hotel departure by 15 minutes. No, Meghan, if we are up this early in the morning to see you get married, you better get in that car now, girl.

TV Commentator: Look, there is a blurry shot of the bride in a Rolls with her mum, Doria Ragland! We can’t see much of anything. Let’s hypothesize. She’s probably holding her mum’s hand. I bet she’s excited. She’s probably saying, “Wheeeeeeee!”

The Audience: 

Royal Commentator: Prince Harry is the most popular royal ever. Well, after the Queen maybe.

Royal Commentator 2: Quite right. Prince William is also popular.

Royal Commentator 3: Yes, the most popular living royals are the Queen, Prince Harry, and Prince William. Are we forgetting anyone?

Prince Charles: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Royal Commentator 4: Oh, right. We almost forgot Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie.

Prince Charles: FML.

Step and repeat time!

Here comes Amal Clooney rocking a yellow Stella McCartney dress. Right behind her is Posh Beckham wearing a scowl. There’s Harry’s ex-girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, I think that look is called second thoughts.

The moment has arrived, there she is, Miss America! Let the service begin! 

Just gonna say, Doria Ragland is a remarkable woman. I can’t even fathom what she must be thinking and feeling as her daughter makes history. (And I love this little moment when Prince Harry glances over at his future mother-in-law to make sure she’s okay.)

Speaking of historic events, Prince Harry accomplishes an amazing feat when he sees his bride. Prince Harry is the first white man ever to be able to pull off a sexy lip bite.

Women Across The World (And some of you gents!):

Warning: Don’t try this at home, white men! You’re not Prince Harry.

It’ll end up looking like a Pinterest fail.

And now let’s have a few words from Bishop Michael Curry.

And by “a few words” I mean we’re going to black church. Start fishing around in your purse for the love offering and settle in.

The Royal Family:     

Queen Elizabeth:

Bishop Curry: Imma ’bout to wrap up. Take it to the bridge!

Meghan Markle:

Prince Harry:

Us: Yes, we would like a mocha baby with red hair immediately. Don’t just stand there, get to it.

And the new Duke and Duchess of Sussex lived happily ever. The End.

Harry: Life, Loss, and Love by Katie Nicholl
The author has been reporting on the Royal Family forever so she offers a standard biography. I’ll just go ahead and admit that I wouldn’t have picked it up were it not for Megs (I get to call her that because we’re totally besties), so the juiciest info relates to Prince Harry’s love life. There’s Zimbabwean-born Chelsy Davy, whose hobbies include wrestling crocodiles and breaking Prince Harry’s heart and some other girl, Cressida Bonas, who is not Meghan so who really cares? The author doesn’t get around to Meghan until Chapter 12 out of 16 and any self-respecting fan is already familiar with what’s covered.
Summary: Prince Sexy has been known to have a roving eye. He better not even think about it.
Rating: 

Prince Harry: The Inside Story by Duncan Larcombe
If you’re only going to read one Harry book, which means you probably have your own life, this is the one to read. Duncan Larcombe is the former royal editor of The Sun and has plenty of entertaining anecdotes from personal experience. Prince Harry has pulled a couple of pranks on Larcombe, who obviously has a soft spot for the rogue royal. The book was updated after the engagement so there are only two chapters about Megs, but it’ll arm you with insight that will serve you well when the Duke and Duchess of Sussex pop in for a cuppa.
Summary: We seriously want to down some Pimm’s with Prince Harry. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Rating: 

Meghan: A Hollywood Princess by Andrew Morton
I was on the fence about this one because Morton, who authored Diana: Her True Story, is kind of shady. Press mentions of the book focused on supposedly less-flattering details offered up by some Bitterella who used to be besties with Megs but got replaced by me. Most of the book is positive, but you know, haters gotta hate (Andrew Morton’s gotta egg it on). It seems like Morton just recently Googled “interracial marriage” and learned about Loving v. Virginia because he will not shut up about it. One tasty tidbit: Samantha Markle, Meghan’s ugly stepsister, has always been trifling and a bit mental.
Summary: OMG, you guys, Google says interracial marriage used to be illegal!
Rating: 

American Princess: The Love Story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry by Leslie Carroll
Leslie Carroll is totes invited to come hang out with Megs and me, just three American girls sipping Tignanello and dishing about The Crown. The author, who specializes in royal romances, is all in when it comes to the Meghan love.
Summary: Say anything negative about these two and Leslie Carroll will cut a bitch.
Rating:          

Life’s big events reunite friends and family, especially a happy event like a wedding. Welp, our bestie Meg is getting married next week so TVRD is back from hiatus, baby. We’re super psyched about the royal wedding because of our personal ties to the bride and groom. Elaine has watched Suits and visited Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace so that counts, right?

Anyway, Lifetime will surely handle this in a purely factual and artistic manner. Oh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a glorious shitshow in a fascinator. Have yourself a glass of Tignanello with a side of shame and let’s go!

The Prince Harry Origin Story Fairy:  Ello, Guv’Nor. Let’s have a cuppa while I reduce Harry’s complex life down to three episodes. His mum died, he wore a Nazi outfit and got nekkid in Vegas. Welp, peace out. No reason to fill in the blanks when the writers are making this up anyway.

The Meghan Markle Origin Story Fairy: Heeeeeey, girl! She’s half black. The writers think that means she’s half sassy. Okay, you go girl. And um, don’t get it twisted.

First date time!

Prince Harry: Hi, I’m a prince. And according to the iffy narrative going on in this movie, a douche. I thought you might be ugly so my manservant is going to interrupt in a while so I can get out of this situation. Too bad I don’t have opposable thumbs, if I did, I’d know to Google you.

Meghan Markle: Hi, I’m Wallis Simpson. I’ll probably be snapping and neck rolling before the next commercial. And, so help me Jesus, if that commercial is sexist, Imma cut a bitch up in here.

Prince Harry: Invictus games.

Meghan Markle: Suits.

Prince Harry: I love you.

Meghan Markle: I love you too.

Prince Harry: Let’s go to Botswana.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Here we are in Botswana. I’m now going to freak you out with this big snake.

Meghan Markle: Say, what now?

Prince Harry: My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Meghan Markle: What?

Prince Harry: It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Now that we’re in love I have to go home and make everyone lose their shit.

Back at Buckingham Kensington Clarence House Palace

Prince Harry: Hi, Kate. Hi, Uncle Prince Andrew.

Prince William: I’m not Uncle Andrew, Harry.

Prince Harry: Sorry! Hi, Uncle Prince Edward.

Prince William: I’m your brother, Harry.

Prince Harry: Oh, sorry. Aren’t we supposed to be three years apart? Why are you 50?

Prince William: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Prince Harry: So, what do you think of my girlfriend?

Kate Middleton: Oh, my God, Becky. Look at her butt.

Prince Harry: Right? I’ll bring her around for our next combo tea party/polo match.

One week later (Maybe)

Meghan Markle: Hi.

The Royals: Hi. We need a composite character for the audience to hate. Here’s Bella.

Meghan Markle: Okay. Hi, Bella.

Bella: Hi. I’m really bitchy but I also don’t actually exist.

Meghan Markle: I’ve heard enough.

Prince Harry: Hey, girl. Why are you outside by yourself? Didn’t you have fun talking to that composite character?

Meghan Markle: Nope.

Prince Harry: Was she racist? Was she an online troll?

Meghan Markle: Forget it.

Prince Harry: No! I will not. She’s a troll. Trollllllllllll!

Meghan Markle: I’m going home.

Racists gotta racist. Trolls gotta troll. In one of the few factual elements, Prince Harry is having none of it. Once the press starts throwing shade, he releases that statement. The one that launched a thousand swoons. But Meghan Markle is not swooning.  She mad. She so mad.  In a made-up scenario, Meghan Markle is at home with her mom, Doria Ragland, when she hears about the statement on the news. It goes like this.

Meghan Markle: How dare Prince Harry make this grand romantic gesture? I’m a grown-ass woman. I’m no damsel. Blah, blah.

Prince Harry: Knock, knock.

Meghan Markle: Go away!

Prince Harry: What?

Meghan Markle: Bye.

Doria Ragland: What the hell, Meghan Markle? That was dreamy AF.

Meghan Markle: What’s that sound?

Doria Ragland: Harry is outside with a boombox playing “In your Eyes.” Please go get that boy.

Meghan Markle: Okay, I’ll wait until he gets to the airport.

At the airport, Prince Harry and his boombox get on the plane and Meghan Markle decides she’s going to make her anguished declaration of love right before liftoff.

Meghan Markle: Hi, TSA Lady. Mind if I run out on the tarmac all crazy?

TSA Lady: Where did you come from? Do you have a boarding pass?

Meghan Markle: Never mind, just give me a microphone. Is this thing on? Testing, testing. And I… will always love you. I… will always love you. Ooh.

Prince Harry: Jolly good.

Back in London, it’s time for Pippa Middleton’s wedding. In real life, though Meg wasn’t at the ceremony,  she attended the reception, but screw reality. In this version, Meg was sort of snubbed which probably delights old legendary racist Princess Michael of Kent. Though the timeline is different, that hag did show up at a holiday event with a Blackmoor brooch. Next week, Princess Michael will have to curtsy to HRH Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex.

Unfortunately, the movie decides to mine Princess Diana’s death for tension and Prince Harry starts blurting out lines about his mother’s flaws. The whole thing is unseemly. At some point, a lion strolls into the scene to glower at Meghan and Harry. It’s random AF. I don’t know what that was all about. Moving on. Blah, blah, blah, Queen. Yes, finally, Liz is in the house! Or the palace. Harry takes Meghan to Buckingham to meet granny. Exposition ensues. Sweet, black, baby Jesus, this movie is 2-1/2 hours. Let’s wrap it up and get to the roast chicken.

Prince Harry: Hi, Grandma. This is Meghan.

Meghan Markle: Hi.

Queen Elizabeth: Get it, girl!

Meghan Markle: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, Honey. I’m down with the swirl. Now, let’s start pumping out some mocha grandbabies.

And they all lived Happily Ever After. The End.

Then we have Troy showing up again like a bad penny. Exile seems to be just what he needed. Time to come up with a plan of revenge. He surprises Nick, popping up at his cabin in the middle of the night. He speaks of a “reckoning” headed toward the ranch. A beast like none ever seen. Troy says that he’s doing Nick a favor giving him a heads-up about the biblical proportions of the reckoning, and he’d like for Nick to make sure that Jake is there. He wants them to see his plan. He’s definitely a few eggs short of a dozen, and he disappears into the night.

In the morning, Nick alerts Jake that Troy is back and he has a plan for revenge. Jake and Nick set out in a pickup to find out what Troy is up to. Nick notices a huge cloud of dust in the distance. Jake pulls over, and the two jump out. Below in the valley, they see Troy with a rocket launcher. He’s deliberate with his shots; a horde of undead is following the explosions –  right to the ranch. Jake has his gun drawn, ready to put his brother down like like a wounded animal. Troy manages to squeeze off one more shot before Jake is all over him, hitting him repeatedly.  Troy’s shot is heard at the Ranch. Nick tries to warn Alicia over the walkie-talkie but the connection is poor. She did catch the word “horde”, and runs to tell Ofelia. Jake has his revolver pointed at his brother. Nick warns Jake that he will never recover if he shoots Troy. Jake pulls back the hammer and Nick jumps in and knocks Jake off of Troy. Jake tumbles down the hill, with a coming-out-of-nowhere walker tumbling after him. Jake is bitten on his forearm. He asks Nick to cut off his arm before the infection has a chance to spread.

Ofelia, Alicia and Crazy Dog try to figure out their next course of action. Crazy Dog isn’t ready to hand over the arsenal, but Ofelia convinces him. This is definitely a bullet situation. Nick is driving the pickup at breakneck speed trying to get ahead of the horde and back to the Ranch where Jake can get medical attention. Troy is in the truck bed, holding Jake against him. Jake, already weakened by the anthrax, is waxy pale and fading fast. The ranchers grab weapons and line up all of their vehicles, hoping to steer the horde away. Nick is forced to watch from the hilltop as thousands of the undead descend on the Ranch. Jake has died. Nick advises Troy to put him down. Troy feels that he was the one who was supposed to die. Nick tells him to kill himself if he wants to die. He drags Troy by the collar to show him what he has done. The ranch is overtaken.

Alicia gets the crowd safely into the storm-cellar-turned-pantry. The pressure from the horde has toppled a few vehicles in the blockade, and Alicia, Ophelia and Crazy Dog fight off as many walkers as they can, then join the other ranchers in the pantry. Tribe members and ranchers alike huddle together, united in their fear. On the hill, Jake is turning and Troy has to kill the thing that was his brother. There is no time for grief. Nick must find a way to save the Ranch, and he’s dragging Troy along with him. For better or worse.

Fear The Walking Dead airs on Sunday Nights at 9/8c on AMC

Maddie continues to try convincing Lola. She says that she knows the dam has been under attack, and they could make a mutually beneficial trade. Lola stands her ground. She’s as stubborn as Madison. Daniel speaks with Walker about Ofelia, and he’s sad to hear that she is a soldier, a hero for poisoning the guards at the ranch. Maddie and Victor have a chat. Victor asks Maddie to think about her wants and needs, never mind her kids. Maddie says that she was raised in the country and the ranch is where she feels like she’s home.

Daniel tries to convince Lola that a trade for weapons is what they need. The angry locals will only become more violent, putting her and all of the dam workers in danger. Lola stands her ground. In the morning, Daniel and Victor talk about possible solutions. Daniel warns Victor not to cross him. Walker leaves the dam on foot, angry and vengeful. He’s headed back to the ranch to begin forcing residents out. Maddie’s at a loss. It’s all slipping away. She and Victor begin their journey to the ranch. Before they leave the dam gates, one of the tankers explodes. Hmmm… Victor, was that you?? The townsfolk march toward the gate, chanting for Lola’s death. Dam workers rush to secure the fence. Now Lola’s ready to talk turkey. The weapons are certainly more appealing now. Maddie and Victor are given a full tanker as a show of faith. They plan a meeting at the trading post in five days, and Daniel makes it plain that he expects to see Ofelia there. Walker is happily surprised on the dusty road when the tanker pulls up to him. He hops in with a bemused smile. Snake or not, Victor Strand is one smooth cat.

Nick and Alicia learned the unpleasant end to Maddie’s drunken, abusive stepfather.  Easy-peasy, a bullet to the brain while he’s passed out. He had raised his hand to her mother for the last time. Maddie’s past is emerging, and I think she has a lot more to reveal. Nick and Alicia are somewhat surprised by their mother’s admission, and wonder what else she has to tell them. Alicia is forced to step up by necessity. Jake is still pale and weak from the anthrax poisoning. Alicia’s relied on to take charge while Maddie and Walker are away. Nick is adorable with his shorter hair, but he’s still a bit of a wildcard. He’s finding his way through the new world, but unsure of his place, yet still fearless, even in the face of madness. Well, perhaps not so much with Troy.

There’s tension in the air as the members of the ranch let Walker (Michael Greyeyes)and his tribe into Brokejaw. Jake and Walker work to unify the group, in hopes of standing together in the face of the outside world. Not everyone is on board. Jeremiah–a bigoted, self-righteous man, sat back all these years waiting for war to ensue. He had no respect for the “brown people” and even passed by a sunburned, dehydrated Ofelia in the desert because of her color. He spread his poison throughout the community, now the trust is broken on both sides. Jeremiah had no respect for his own sons, either, and they knew it.

A young man enters the tent where everyone is gathered for a meet and greet. He is angry, misguided and armed. He shoots wildly but is taken down quickly by Crazy Dog. His throat is crushed during the struggle and he is expected to die.

This prompts Walker to demand the second key to the artillery from Jake. He intends to keep the peace. Madison insists that Jake do as he is asked for the good of the group.

Troy is in his father’s cabin when Walker, Maddie and Crazy Dog (Justin Rain) stop by looking for weapons. Troy wants everybody out, and pulls out a pistol and fires it as a warning. Walker and his men are outside, ready to take action.

Troy hands Nick a rifle and insists he stand with him and fight. Troy wants to play sniper. He starts shooting wildly and Nick takes cover while all hell breaks loose. The pair hole up on the second floor. Nick is just trying not to die up there.

After much gunfire is traded, to stop Troy in his tracks, Nick tries to wrestle him down. He tells Troy that Jeremiah’s death was no suicide, he killed him. A stunned Troy lowers his weapon, and is taken into custody along with Nick. Guilt by association. Troy is exiled the hard way, fighting Maddie the whole time. Maddie must strong-arm him to get him moving. Meanwhile, Nick is confined to “the box” for his part in the ambush.

Madison and Walker discover the water supply is dangerously low. Alicia is asked to ration everyone to two gallons a day while Maddie and Walker head out to the trading post. On their way out, Maddie stops by the box and gives Nick a bottle of water, promising her return. She and Walker head out in the tanker.

Daniel has taken over the dam and he is running the show with Lola Guerrero (Lisandra Tena) by his side. He asks Lola to take over, he’s still searching for his Ofelia. They take a tanker of water out daily to give water to those in need.

One hot afternoon, angry crowds storm the truck, they want to take over the dam. Daniel took it by force and now they want to force him out. Stones are thrown and Lola is hit. Daniel is forced to return to the dam.

At the Ranch, the locals gripe about the rations. Alicia steps in and tells them to leave if they don’t like it, and see how much worse it is out there. She and Maddie plan to stay in touch by CB radio.  Walker and Maddie stop for the night. They build a fire and talk. While Nick is sleeping off the strain of his time in the box, a posse of Troy supporters have decided to elect Nick as head of the resistance. Huh?  He’s barely awake, and he’s handed the last free gun on the ranch. They promise to meet with him again the next day. What the hell, he got caught up in Troy’s crazy and now he’s the chosen one?

Walker and Madison arrive at the trade station. Inside is a bazaar of people trading and bargaining. Maddie and Waker must turn in their weapons and Cb radio in exchange for admittance.

Back at Brokejaw, Alicia mentions that there’s been double-dipping going on during the rations. She’s met with resistance and hostility. The Posse of Troy are griping about the double-dipping and sharing what they claim is their land. Alicia confronts Nick about the Posse. He has no idea why he’s been chosen. Alicia knows it was Nick who killed Jeremiah, and wishes she could have been there. Alicia feels like they must keep working to gain their mother’s love, but Nick will always be  the favorite. Alicia is trying hard to keep the peace, but would rather leave the tough stuff to her mother. Or Jake. She seems tired and overwhelmed.

At the trade bazaar, Maddie says she needs 10,000 gallons. The woman at the table scoffs at the amount of water. She says she might be able to get 5,000, but for what in exchange?

Walker has a roll of coins, promising more. Maria sees the huge coins and is instantly more agreeable. A kerfuffle attracts Maddie’s attention. It’s Victor Strand being roughhoused by a couple of goons. While was Madison was finding her family,  Strand found the abandoned Abigail, listing to the left, slowly sinking. Once on board, he found a few of his favorite things. He sipped a bottle of Dom and played with the cb radio. He was surprised to receive a transmission from a cosmonaut out in space. The poor man knew the earth had gone to hell and there was no way for him to get home. Once that signal was lost, Victor seemed to feel all the loss he’s suffered. After a good cry, he grabbed what supplies he could and then set Abigail ablaze, He went on his way with a smile, and now here he is, a the bazaar.

Alicia has run into trouble at the well. She has to admit that there’s not much water left which causes a melee.  Then Ofelia and Crazy Dog arrive at the well with guns. Nick has a gun as well, which he fires to get the crowd’s attention. Each side wants to get their ration first. There’s an uneasy peace.

Maddie wakes to find that Walker has gone somewhere. Victor doesn’t know where Walker went, but he wants to know what Maddie makes of him, and how she’s been. He’s glad that she’s found her children. Victor gives Madison a much needed shoulder to lean on. He’s missed his friend. Walker comes to the door, prompted by a gun, saying they will killed along with their friend. Victor has to stay and work off his debt, and he wants Maddie to go back to her children.  She doesn’t want to leave him there. Victor assures her he’ll be okay as he’s lead out with the rest of the chain gang. Maddie watches as Victor is shackled outside the gate, left to fend for himself against approaching walkers.

Walker is anxious for the exchange, but Maddie has used the money to pay Victor’s debt instead, she believes there must be a better, long-term solution to their water problem.

Victor has some connections at the dam, perhaps not his biggest fans, but a plan for an unlimited water supply. Walker is dubious, but his money’s gone, so why not?

At Brokejaw, Alicia notices a group in the field below. They have divining rods. The posse is watching the women dig where they sense water. Ofelia and other tribe members watch as Nick approaches the group and grabs a shovel. Let the posse watch that!  More and more come to help.  Perhaps there can be peace after all.  At the very least, water.

Episode 7 is so full of quotable lines, it’s hard not to just list them all here, suffice to say that Jessica Lange gets to say almost all of them: “I didn’t get my start in the theater like Miss Bette Davis. I broke in shaking my fringe in nightclubs. I’d come home after a gig with Scotch on my dress and I’ll always have that stain on me and I’ll always have to prove them wrong and I can’t do it on Charlotte because she won’t let me!”

Jessica Lange does this thing with her voice when she’s playing characters about to blow up, where the whole line is delivered under (rising) pressure and then words suddenly blast out like steam escaping from a cracked valve. It’s extremely unnerving.  And frankly terrifying.

It’s also poetically symmetrical: Joan Crawford was at her best in confrontation scenes where she could be righteously indignant, her body frozen like a cobra, wide eyes fixed on her accuser, somehow unblinking even while tear-filled, with only the quiet, steady heaving of her chest to indicate the depth of her unspent fury.  Even in Adrian gowns and three pairs of false eyelashes, something raw was happening in those confrontation scenes. The actress—not the character— was connecting with some very real sense of having been wounded, judged unfairly, cheated, ripped off, and sublimating it into performance-exorcism.

Lange is the same kind of witch, and this installment of Feud gives her many opportunities to stir her cauldron of haunts and hurts.  Not least when she discovers, as shooting on Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte progresses, that Bette—now a producer on the film—intends to exploit every opportunity to critique Joan’s acting, cut back all her dialogue, make fun of her at the wrap parties and generally wreak snarky havoc whenever possible (presumably as payback for that little Oscar thing…)

Director Aldrich thinks she’s a scream (but he’s in punch-drunk divorce throes) and the rest of the crew laughs ass-kissingly along, but Victor Buono (playing Bette’s father in Charlotte) thinks it’s distasteful, and actually has the balls to tell Bette so: “You should be nice.” But Bette’s not finished. The next day she rejects an olive branch when Joan volunteers to stick around for Bette’s close-ups and deliver her lines to her (since the dawn of film-making, actors who volunteer this have been praised and revered for the inherent generosity of the act and encouraging a sense of camaraderie with their co-stars.) To turn down this offer would thus have been equivalent to saying “No thank you. I’d rather compete with you than be your friend.”

Things get worse for Crawford when she wakes up in the middle of the night to discover her trailer is the only one left. Everyone else has returned to the hotel without her. Storming back with Mamacita in a taxi, she bangs on Davis’ door and lets her have it. “What a fool I was to think I could trust you!” Bette of course just shrugs off the accusations until Joan retreats, but not without a few last barbs, each actress appraising the others’ shortcomings with an assessment we’ve all heard before: Davis was the actress, Crawford just a movie star. But before they part ways, a moment of connection: “Joan. What was it like being the most beautiful girl in the world?”  “It was wonderful” beams Crawford earnestly, the wind teasing her disheveled hair. “It was the most joyous feeling you could ever imagine. And it was never enough…..And you? What was it like being the most talented girl in the world?”

“It was great,” replies Bette wistfully. “And it was never enough.”

This fleeting moment can’t last, of course, and when Joan discovers the next morning that script revisions have eliminated yet more of her monologues, it’s no more Mr. Nice Girl. “I suddenly feel very ill,” she says to the driver. “Take me to the hospital please.”

“She’s not sick, she’s on strike until Bob accepts all her loony script changes and makes her the star of Charlotte” snipes a disgusted Bette. In any case, they shoot around her, but after 12 days, Aldrich is out of things to shoot and has had enough. He comes to tell Joan she’d better be back on set the next morning or the picture will be scrapped.

Joan arrives in a wheelchair, and Bette presents her with a single red rose: “I’ve taken out the thorns.” (But has she?) Joan tries a power-play and starts making suggestions for beefing up her part as Cousin Miriam. “There should be a ball in her honor when she returns home.”  Aldrich argues that Charlotte is a recluse. “She wouldn’t be hosting a ball, Joan.” “I’m not suggesting the host it,” replies Crawford. “She can be there of course. In a corner. Hidden under the stairs, watching. All we see are her big eyes….” (I freely admit to laughing out loud at that speech). No, that rose was too little too late.

Long story short, Joan goes back “on strike” and returns to the hospital, only Aldrich & Co. call her bluff, not only replacing her with Olivia de Havilland (Joan hears about this on the radio) but slapping her with a lawsuit to boot. Then it happens; she throws that one vase too many at Mamacita’s head, who honors her previous warning and walks out. Oddly, the scene ends with Joan in an oxygen tent, even though her illness was formerly only strategic. Maybe the trauma of being abandoned by her only real ally was enough to make her sick for real?

Meanwhile, tensions between Bette and daughter BD are coming to a head when Bette takes control of 16-year-old BD’s wedding (to 29-year-old Jeremy Hyman). To her surprise, instead of a “thank you,” she gets the “you’re not doing this for me, you’re doing it for YOU!” speech.

Likewise, Aldrich’s faithful Pauline has had her fill of egomaniacs and vows to retire, with the brilliant parting line, “I don’t know if this town attracts narcissists, or if it actually creates them.” So Bette, Aldrich and de Havilland go off to finish their movie, and Joan returns, Mamacita-less, to her emptier-than-ever nest, and an uncertain future.

Pet Moment: Joan autographing a photo of herself holding Anne Bancroft’s Oscar.

Pet Crawford  Line: “The only bed I can find any power in is this hospital bed!”

Pet Davis Line: “Who would believe Vivien Leigh as a Southern Belle?” (Aldrich: “She played Scarlett O’Hara!”) Davis: “UN-convincingly!

Pet de Havilland Line (from Lady in a Cage preview) “Please help! I’m trapped in a small, private elevator!”

The girls are drinking their iced coffees in the middle of Rosewood talking about Mona being locked-up how they never learned who A was. Lucas pops in tap dancing and Jenna is on a horse. Thankfully it wasn’t some twisted reality but a dream in Mona’s head at Welby, the mental hospital. When she comes to, someone enters her room and she says, “I never would have guessed it was you. Are you here to kill me?”

One year later, Ezra and Aria are still not married but don’t worry, it’s just around the corner. Right now they’re trying to get their book turned into a movie. How fun! Spencer is back to riding horses and has even rekindled her relationship with her sister Melissa. Toby pops in to say hi and I’m rooting for an official relationship reboot between the two. Did I mention she even bought his old truck?

Emily and Alison are playing moms quite well as they are new parents to twin girls, Lily and Grace. Later, Ali meets with Emily’s mom at Radley and speak in hushed tones. They discuss Emily being taken care of and it’s kind of suspicious. My guess, Ali is going to propose, and I hope she does!

While everyone else is happily in love, things aren’t going so smoothly for my favorite couple Hanna and Caleb. On the business side, Hanna’s designs have taken off and Caleb sold his software to Lucas and they FINALLY bought the loft from him. One of the rifts between the two is the fact that Mona is leaving Welby and going to stay with them. Smart choice guys. Hanna wants to be there for her friend but Caleb is skeptical and I don’t blame him. Within five minutes of Mona arriving, Hanna and Caleb leave her unattended. And what does she do? She disappears.

Hanna and Caleb left for a good reason because they went to Ezra and Aria’s dual bachelorette/bachelor party. Of course it’s at The Lost Woods which Spencer fixed up quite nicely after Mary Drake left it to her and Ali. The best part of this party was when the commented on the loud Christians across the lake at bible camp. The worst part however was Melissa watching the group through the trees in a black hoodie. WHAT!

That night while every couple is getting it on in their respective rooms, Aria receives a phone call after Ezra has fallen asleep. As Melissa creepily watches from the window. After the call, Aria goes to the girls to tell her she can’t marry Ezra because she can’t have kids. To top it off, It’s not really Melissa in the hood, but Mona in a mask. She then facetimes A.D. who says Mona wearing the Melissa mask was just a test. What surprises me about this whole event is how realistic that mask was. Honestly, A.D. must have a great budget.

The next day, Spencer visits Mary Drake in prison. Even though Spencer hadn’t visited in awhile, she tells her mother that she’s there because she needs her help. Oh, goody, I wonder what that would be!

That night everyone is having a great time at Aria and Ezra’s rehearsal dinner, even Mona who is clearly only welcomed by Hanna. “The last time she saw you, she tried to push you out of the bell tower,” Aria reminds her. “Yeah, and she feels bad about that!” Hanna replies. I couldn’t stop laughing. Then entered Wine Moms. Mrs. Hastings, Mrs. Marin and Mrs. Montgomery stand around nursing their glasses of wine reminiscing on that fateful night when they got drunk in the basement. This was probably my favorite part of the entire two-hour episode because #WineMoms are fan favorites. I’ll gladly watch a spinoff about them.

After the party, Aria tells Ezra about her fertility predicament. She was scared he would be mad and he is, but just about her hiding it from him. Honestly Aria could shoot him and he’d still marry her.

Emily confronts Ali about her weird behavior. At the party she saw her mom hand Ali something and wanted to know what it was. After some persistence, Ali confesses that she was going to propose. Woohoo I knew it! Ali throws out the plans she had and pops the question right in their living room wearing a hideous sweatshirt.

After a little rendezvou with Toby, Spencer is in her house when she hears a piano playing. She follows it asking if it’s Toby when Mona comes out of the dark and spits, “Deja vu, bitch.” She then knocks Spencer out cold. When Spencer regains consciousness she is in a high-tech-looking cell. She looks into a mirror on the wall and then her reflection stops mirroring her. IT’S A SECOND SPENCER.

I screamed. I had a theory they would reveal another evil twin like the books, however, I thought it would be Ali’s evil twin, not Spencer’s. Honestly, I’m all here for it.

Mary Drake is also there and says to Spencer, “We didn’t think you’d wake up so soon, Spencer.” WOW. Mother of the year right here. Spencer confronts the Twincer (what fans have dubbed Spencer 2.0). She says, “I’m just a girl who met a man when he came in from the rain.” Cue flashback.

We see Twincer bartending at an English pub when Wren walks in. Ugh, Wren was so five seasons ago, but whatever. He sees Twincer and at first thinks it’s Spencer, until he finally realizes the truth. He shows her, Alex Drake, a picture of Spencer and she gets emotional. The next few days Wren told her everything from Melissa to Charlotte.

Alex tells Spencer after Charlotte (their half-sister remind you) died, she needed closure. Alex’s plan is to leave Spencer a prisoner and assume her life. Spencer spits that Alex could never be her and well, Alex points out that she already has. From Hanna having “visions” of Spencer while she was being tortured, to when she awkwardly asked Toby to kiss her one more time after Yvonne’s death to when she introduced Ezra to Wren at the airport. I hate to say it, but the girl is good and the signs were all right there.

While this family reunion from hell is happening, a cop informs Emily and Ali that Mark Drake has escaped and to remain vigilant. Thanks for the update, dude.

In the cell, Alex continues to drone on about how, yes part of the torture was about avenging Charlotte’s death but mainly being jealous of Spencer’s life. She was the lucky twin, while Alex was abandoned. In another flashback we see Wren confronting Alex. Alex has recently acquired Charlotte’s money after she died but Alex is still playing the game. She tells Wren, “This is about friends. Even when they make huge mistakes, they still love each other.” Wren wants her to come clean to Spencer but Alex knows she could never be one of them. So instead, she asks Wren to shoot her in the upper chest so she can have a matching gunshot scar as Spencer. WHAT THE HECK?

To follow that, Alex reveals to Spencer that she later killed Wren because while she wanted him to see her as Spencer, she will always be Alex in his eyes. Yes, that’s a valid reason to kill your boyfriend. To top it off, she wears his ashes in a necklace. We’re at peak PLL creepiness.

Alex leaves Spencer to go be her at Aria’s wedding. Now this chick has crossed the line. There, she asks to hold one of Emily and Ali’s twins, While across the room from everyone, Alex whispers, “You have your daddy’s eyes. I knew Wren would make pretty babies.” I just can’t anymore with this chick. On a positive note, we at least now know who fathered Ali’s kids.

At the cell, Mary Drake brings Spencer lunch and they have a semi-nice heart-to-heart. She tells Spencer that Alex drugged her and brought her to the underground bunker and has promised Mary Drake she’ll keep Spencer safe. Um, okay. Mary Drake also reveals more about the day Spencer was born.

Through flashbacks earlier in the season, we saw a doctor take Spencer to Mrs. Hastings outside. Apparently after that, Mary gave birth to Alex whom SHE SOLD to a rich couple in England so she could buy her way out of Radley. Mary says, ”I thought she would live a Cinderella life,” which Spencer quickly replies, “Have you read Grimm’s Fairy Tales?”

Mary thought Alex would live a posh life but because of her “issues” she was given to an orphanage who gave her back the last name Drake. Alex Drake, A.D. It was always right there. Mary says that at 10 years old Alex ran away from the orphanage and later became a bartender before Wren found her. Oddly enough, Mary Drake opens the door to hug Spencer who hugs her back. I’m questioning why Spencer didn’t try to run for it but instead, she stole a bobby pin off of Mary for later use. I guess that was kind of smart.

Back at the wedding, Aria receives a text from Ezra saying he isn’t coming. This is obviously a red flag for me. He would never stand Aria up and I’m right. As the girls start calling and searching for Ezra, we see him sitting in a cell directly across from Spencer.

Spencer asks how he got there and he says that while he was making a reservation Spencer recommended, he ran into Alex at the Radley thinking it was Spencer. As he was asking her questions Alex didn’t know the answers to, she knocked him out and took him to the “do-it-yourself dungeon.”

Alex finally returns and the two try to convince her to spare their lives. Turns out there’s another twist to Alex’s motives. She doesn’t exactly want Spencer’s life or friends, but Toby. “He settled for Yvonne, and now he’s free to be with his one true love: me,”  Alex says. Legit, this girl is deranged and Troian Bellisario is a phenomenal actress to pull both of these polar opposite characters off.

Alex does inform the two on Jenna, Sara, and Sydney’s motives to being on the A.D. Team. Sydney was blackmailed because Alex knew she was stealing from her work, Jenna wanted money for a second eye surgery, and Sara wanted a piece of Charlotte’s “hidden treasure” under Radley. Turns out that treasure wasn’t gold, but the file folder.

In another flashback we see the moment Charlotte and Alex finally meet. Charlotte gets off the plane in England with Archer and we finally learn where they first met. Wren sets up the meeting between Alex and Charlotte and after they hit it off the whole group, Wren and Archer included, have a grand time in Europe. Charlotte later decides she misses the A Game and plans to return to the States. Before she goes, she “passes the torch” and gives Alex the Patsy Cline Greatest Hits record. Alec obviously wants to go with her, but Charlotte tells her she can’t and to never trust Spencer of the Hastings.

While back in the real world as Spencer, she comes across Jenna. Spencer is sitting outside Mrs. Hasting’s office when Jenna is leaving and she asks “Spencer” if she’s wearing a new perfume. Alex plays if off but this is a red alert for someone who has to use her other sense to identify people. Jenna immediately Toby and says, “This may sound weird, but I don’t think Spencer’s Spencer.”

Even though Jenna has put Toby through hell for years, he believes her this time. He tells the girls and Caleb the twin theory and they unrealistically jump on board rather quickly. Toby explains it makes sense because of a book Alex gave Toby while being Spencer before that final kiss. He said the book typically has notes in it from Spencer, but this one was clean. Thankfully Emily is the only voice of reason who admits, “Out of all the insane theories we’ve jumped to, Spencer having an evil twin has to be the most insane.”

In the dungeon, Alex and Mary start fighting because Alex promised she wouldn’t her Spencer. Alex then knocks Mary out cold so she wouldn’t try to stop her when she tries to kill Spencer. Geez, crazy really does run in this family.

At the same time, the gang turns to Mona for help. She tells them that Wren came to Welby to kill her, but now, she’s back in the game so she can beat Alex and win the game once and for all. Miraculously, they discover the dungeon is located at the house Toby originally built for Spencer. GO FIGURE! Being trusting Toby, he never knew the person who bought the house. I definitely rolled my eyes at this.

After Alex leaves the dungeon, Ezra and Spencer try to escape with the help of the stolen bobby pin. After opening their cell doors and running through sketchy hallways they make their way outside. Or they think.

Ezra and Spencer stand outside a fake version of Toby’s house inside a dome that is obviously still underground. I’m getting some strong Maze Runner and Hunger Games vibes from this. While they try to find the exit, the gang has busted into Toby’s old home. They frantically search the house until they find a secret passageway.

Inside the dome, Alex comes out of nowhere and smashes Ezra on the head while Spencer tries to reason with her. During the twin standoff, Toby rushes in with a gun. Let me mention, the two girls are wearing the exact same outfit so things start to get extra trippy.

Toby doesn’t know which twin to shoot while they both plead they’re the real Spencer. Toby asks them which poem from the book she gave him was her favorite. Of course the real Spencer starts quoting it and Toby takes Alex into a headlock. True love always knows!

Mona apparently called the cops as they rush in and take Alex into “custody.” Apparently Mary Drake was caught down the road so both will be “locked up” for good. More on that in a second.

In Rosewood, Ezra and Aria FINALLY get married in the chapel that has not only been a murder scene but also where multiple funerals have been held. So romantic. A cell phone goes off mirroring the pilot episodes when they received their first text from A at ALi’s funeral. Turns out, it’s just the creator I. Marlene King playing the wedding photographer.

In the last scene with the Liars they all talk about what’s next. Emison will definitely get married, there’s hope for Spoby, Hanna is pregnant, and Aria and Ezra are looking at adoption agencies. Finally, a happy ending for our favorite Liars!

But I can’t forget about the fifth Liar, well, by association. Time has passed and Mona now lives in Paris where she owns a doll shop. She tells her French beau she’ll meet him at dinner while she locks up. Mona then heads to the basement where a dollhouse sits. Mona shouts, “Teatime, pretty girls,” and a dollhouse-like room is revealed behind a glass window. Inside the room sits Mary Drake and Alex who are both dressed in doll-like clothes.

She can’t keep us here forever,” Mary says. Then Alex replies with the best line of the series, “Of course she can. She’s Mona.”

Now you understand the meanings of “custody” and “locked up.” Mona never called the cops and by not doing so, she was able to do what she set out to do seven seasons ago, win the game.

WRITER’S NOTE: I’ve said for the last seven years that I couldn’t wait for this twisty show to end. But now that it has, I’m sad because I won’t be revising Rosewood every Tuesday night. I grew up with these Liars and I have endured every A, Uber A, A Team and A.D. you can imagine. The characters, the fashion, the quick language always had me coming back and for that, Pretty Little Liars will go down as one of my favorite shows.

And if this show has taught me anything, it’s that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

The panel including King, Lisa Cochran-Neilan (EP), Camera Dale (Costume Designer) and Jennifer Gerstenblatt (Freeform VP of Current Programming) dished on some of their best and toughest days balancing both shows.

First and foremost, King revealed that PLL fans will hear wedding bells before the show ends for good. But it won’t be just one couple, but multiple.

“We’ve always said that there was going to be at least one wedding, but I can promise you that in the next three episodes, there will be two more weddings on the show,” King revealed.

Since King didn’t specify, I’m now asking myself will it be Aria and Ezra or Hanna and Caleb since they’re both already engaged. There is also a chance that Spoby could be reunited and even Emily and Alison since they are planning to raise a child together. Honestly, the possibilities are endless!

Panel goers also got the inside scoop on a very special scene that will air during the top of the second hour in the 2-hour series finale. While there were no specific details revealed about the scene, Cochran-Neilan told the audience the actresses wanted to shoot the finale scene of production together.

“These ladies that you’ve grown to love, they came to us and they asked us if the last scene of the last day of the last episode, if they could all be in the last shot. In our shooting schedule, it was the last shot,” Cochran-Neilan said. “It will be my favorite moment because everybody was there. It was very late — or, shall I say very early in terms of time — but I will tell you that there was a sincere feeling of closure at that moment. Everybody was there. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.”

Cochran-Neilan couldn’t express enough how much the actresses wanted to end the series the same way it started 7 seasons ago, together.

When asked if there are any plans for spin-offs or additional trips to Rosewood, King said they knew season 7 would be their last and was happy to know when the ending was to make sure it was perfect for them.

“We built something very special and you guys are all a part of it,” King added, addressing the fans. “The show won’t air after three more episodes, but we’ll always have this. All of us.”

While PLL is coming to a close, fans of King still have Freeform’s new hit Famous In Love to binge. The panel mentioned that a lot of the same people from writer, producers and costume coming from the PLL team.

Cochran-Neilan even told the audience how the actresses of PLL “passed the torch” to the cast of FIL. Gerstenblatt reminisced on the PLL actress mentioning the FIL cast in the “new generation.”

The series finale for Pretty Little Liars airs June 27, both shows are on Freeform.