The Bachelor Recap: Nick’s Season Ep. 4

Our Bachelor philosopher Andrée H. is back to muse on some boring dates and bitchy girls and her own imaginary reality show. — Elaine F.

Andrée: Ugh, so we get to start off right where we left off. Bitches whining about Corinne straddling a man in a bouncy castle. Personally, I think she’s wise to pop a squat on his lap and see what he is working with. It has been documented that he’s not so hot in the sack after all.The Bachelor Nick Valli Promo

Elaine: These women who grumble about the treason of their competitor “using her sexuality,” might want to remember she’s trying to distinguish herself from all the other girls so that she can win The Bachelor, get cast as The Bachelorette or put herself at risk of catching an STD on Bachelor in Paradise. That’s why Corrine is there. As for Nick, I don’t think the Bachelor is required to say: “Stop flashing your tits and think about the other girls.”

Andrée: Vanessa is obviously full of shit. “He knows how much I care for him” should not be followed with a threat of giving back the rose. It’s hilarious that every time Corrine has a group date she just gets super sexual with Nick and then goes to bed. That’s working smart, not hard. When Corinne says “Imma do me” I think she means “Imma do Nick.” In all fairness, if I was one of the women on The Bachelor I would want the good-looking ones to go home too. That was pretty funny the girl crying at the end of the rose ceremony talking about how she used to make fun of the girls crying.

Elaine: I don’t recognize her at all. She’ll be in the back row when The Women Tell All. She’s less memorable than what’s her name from last week who was whining about not getting attention.

Andrée: I love Nick’s family. They are what changed my mind about Nick back on Kaitlyn’s season. This date with Danielle L. is so damn boring. Making cookies? Seriously? OMG, and now they bump into one of his exes. She’s awfully ho-hum. Why are they all sitting together? I would dump a guy for that.

Danielle L. The Bachelor

Danielle L can hold her own.

Elaine: The authenticity of that run-in is questionable. It shouldn’t be awkward for Danielle L. She knows she’s the hot one.

Andrée: I’m glad that date is finally over. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through. Holy good god, the damn date isn’t over? Now they are at some crappy country concert. Why do they always go to country concerts? I would dump him for that too. Mainly for saying it was a bucket list item. I bet they had to pay extras to pretend to be enjoying this terrible singing.

Elaine: The surprise country concerts are horrific. At least they were with an audience and not awkwardly swaying by themselves. Nick’s bucket list could be a bit more ambitious.

Andrée: Time for the group date! Once again, I have to give love to Corinne for being the only honest person there. Who in the world would be excited about being on a date surrounded by cow poop? Poop that you have to shovel? I love that Corinne said she wouldn’t even make her nanny do these chores. Personally, I don’t think you should have to prove your love by shoveling shit.

Elaine: Cow poop makes for a shitty date. I agree with Corinne but she should have followed Jasmine G.’s  example. Admit to the camera that this is not your thing, but plaster on a fake smile for Nick’s benefit and do as little as possible. Had to love Jami, the bi girl, mocking Nick’s teat handling skills. Time for Raven’s one-on-one.

Andrée: Raven is too meh for Nick and she doesn’t fit the mold of girls he is attracted to at all. It’s cute seeing Nick around his little sister but I would hate that date. Soccer balls flying at my face from every direction is not my idea of a good time. Interesting that he chose her to meet his parents. I really don’t see her as a frontrunner but the girl who meets his parents usually is.

Raven The Bachelor

Raven got to meet the family

Elaine: Raven, who I paid no attention to other than to roll my eyes at her guns-and-bible introductory segment comes from a town with a population of 8 people, getting balls thrown at her face in Wisconsin might strike her as cosmopolitan.

Andrée: Oh wow, they took all the children with them to the roller rink? Odd. She’s getting to have her sit-down dinner with the li’l sis instead of Nick. The romance on this episode is killing me. They are playing “Kiss Me” which is amping things up. Bringing me right back to She’s All That which is one of my favorite rom-coms. She kicked down the door to catch her boyfriend in the act. Oh, my. “Nick right now is thinking I best dump this girl before she beats me in the head with Corinne’s stiletto when I try to sleep with her.”

Elaine: Disagree. I love that she attacked the cheater with the hoochie’s stiletto. Can we really sit through another confessional about a family member who died just before the show? “I almost didn’t come on the show but I know gramps is looking down at me and he wants me to be here. Oh, look, fireworks! See? That’s a sign from grandpa.”

Andrée:  I watched an amazing stand-up comedy show last night in which the comedian said all women have crazy large egos and think they can have any man. Listening to Raven list off all her qualities is confirming this to be true for me. Also, watch that comedy special Neal Brennan: 3 Mics it was amazing. Now we get a little solo roller skating, much more romantic than having children everywhere.

Elaine: Agreed, the solo roller skating is much better. Nick looked a little surprised when she was reflecting on her own cuteness. That sort of thing is such a violation of the code. Cute girls are never supposed to acknowledge their own cuteness. And the prettier you are, the more important it is to come up with some bogus flaw: “My earlobes are kind of funny.” It’s THE LAW. On my shit list, Taylor. Beautiful on the outside, but she’s leading the bully brigade on Corinne. I don’t like that kind of pile-on. So turned off. What a bitch.

Andrée: I never liked Taylor. Let’s just start with she is a 23-year-old mental health counselor. What 23 year old knows anything about anything? I would never trust my mental health with a child.

Elaine: Uh, aren’t you like 25? Corinne correctly pointed out that Taylor as a mental health counselor is scary. A condescending mean girl should not be a counselor.

Andrée: 32, thanks and I’m not trying to claim you should trust me with your mental health either! I bitch about women online for a living! If some bitch asked me to list reasons why I felt I was ready to marry someone I would just donkey punch them. Right then and there. Donkey punch. Well-deserved. Standing over Danielle L. and Nick like a creeper listening to every word she was saying was so hella awkward. Girl, you have no emotional intelligence. You are spending your time on The Bachelor trying to convince Nick to dump a girl. That’s not emotionally intelligent. Corinne is right, she’s just being a stuck-up bitch. Period.

Elaine: I think Danielle L. felt Taylor lurking and decided to pretend she wasn’t there and talk up her connection with Nick, just to piss off Taylor. I approve of that kind of stealth attack. Who among us hasn’t made a point of slyly undercutting some obvious bitch with sweetness? I loved how she was all: “Oh, hi! Sure you can steal Nick. Here’s a nice cozy blanket so you can stay warm out here during your chat with Nick. Toodles!” Danielle L. got a better introductory segment and was the first girl out of the limo so she’s higher up on the food chain. You know who just went up in my estimation? Josephine, who got the “whacky nurse” introduction segment. I’ve been ignoring her, but she was so kind and reasonable during her talk with Corinne. And while Corinne was ranting with food in her mouth, Josephine very admirably advised her to chew. On this cutthroat show, most girls would be happy to see her choke on a canape.

Andrée: It’s crazy that not only are they feeding the girls this year, but they keep filming conversations while they are talking with their mouths full. Not cute. They probably think they are safe to say whatever they want while eating since the show has never shown food until this season. All these girls are on my shit list right now, though. They are so annoying. Every single year the hot girl gets ganged up on. Every single year. It drives me crazy. This show tries to tell women that you can only have real relationships if you aren’t drop-dead gorgeous. If you are pretty, then you must be a terrible person. That’s like some anti-Barbie shit.

Elaine: I stand by the belief that the show sacrifices the girl who would threaten the audience. And I agree with the anti-Barbie bias. She’s had so many careers and has never taken a backseat to Ken.

Andrée: I want to start my own show, where if you are an 8 or below you aren’t even allowed on the cast. That way we could have one whole season without all the uggo’s ganging up. Although, it would probably still happen. All the 8’s would gang up on the 10. Actually probably not, because all the 8’s would have enough confidence not to care.

Elaine: Imma have to stop you right there and say that as a 6-6-½, I think that is way too harsh. And stop calling the girls uggos. I hate to tell you this, but I think Corrine’s days are numbered. In terms of villain potential, she’s limited. Bouncy houses only take you so far. Usually there is the original villain, just to get the ball rolling but then the real villainess is revealed. It’s going to be Taylor. Corinne is too obvious, Taylor is a snake in the grass. Mark my words. Corinne has major Bachelor in Paradise potential. She’s too young for The Bachelor but that show needs some young blood. Lace and that Kardashian virgin are past their sell-by dates. At 24, Corinne is good for two or three Paradise seasons, no?  I’d rather see her cry early and go back to her nanny and have Taylor get close enough to the end that she thinks she has a chance only to have her heart ripped out near the end. Maybe right after the hometown. Based on her behavior this episode, I want to see an extended limo cry. By the way, at this point, who do you think will be the first serious “not here for the right reasons” informant? Not Vanessa because my crystal ball still says she makes it to the end with the boring Danielle M.

Andrée: Shouldn’t have watched the previews, but I am excited that one of the two will be booted next week, I just hope it’s Taylor not Corinne. I’d love to see the hottie win for once. Let’s face it, Nick’s a bit of a man whore, he needs a wild woman. That’s a good point though Corinne will have a long standing BIP career!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Andrée H.
Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.

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