New York Snow Day News Coverage Recap
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: snow day coverage. You’ve got a license to stay in your jammies, consider this the high-carb day of the week and delight in some inane yet traditional local news coverage. Except for Lou Young on WCBS-TV who is the most badass man to ever cover snow. And Lonnie Quinn who is the reigning king of meteorologists.
1. The snow day coverage begins. No excitement yet on WCBS. Stay inside. Don’t have a heart attack shoveling. We are helpfully informed that there is a “crunchy” sound when you drive over icy snow. Don’t drive. (I’m waiting for the ruler.) Where is Lou Young? I am here for Lou Young.
2. Hi, my name is New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. I’m going to personally remove snow from every freakin’ sidewalk in the five boroughs. I’m up for re-election, my constituents will get the pitchforks and torches if their snow is not removed immediately. My street name is Bill tout de suite. To hear this plea for calm in Spanish, press 1. Sadly, my Spanish is passable, so you won’t get the laugh riot of El Bloombito. I also have no overly dramatic sign language interpreter.
2. The stick! First loser out in the middle the storm measuring snow with a ruler. Yessss.
3. Hello, my name is Governor Andrew Cuomo, I will kill you if you drive. I mean, not personally but I know people. Get inside–or else. Capisce? I gotta go to Long Island now on my magic carpet. I will not be on the roads.
4. Lou Young sighting! He’s in Armonk. Please come to NYC! Lou Young may not come to NYC, he notes that “I’m already done with it.” That either means: “Stop snowing in a lame manner, snow in a badass manner” or it means “I’m not in the mood today, I’m going to jam with my band.” Lou Young, we have some okayish snow in the Bronx. Please come by the College of Mount Saint Vincent neighborhood. I might just be walking my dog. I’ll be in an animal print coat. Not that I’m an obsessed fan or anything.
5. Hello, I’m a pretty news lady. My hair is perfectly coiffed. I’m warm and cozy. Here is my concerned face. How’s it doing out there, non-Lou reporter, who is freezing to death? Brrrrrrr, stay warm, sucker!
6. Hello, man carefully driving on the road, why are you out here? You’re supposed to be inside.
Man carefully driving on the road: ¡Hola! Tengo un trabajo. I don’t get to play in the snow with a ruler like a news gringo. No más preguntas, por favor. ¿A dónde es Lou Young?
7. Hello, I am a meteorologist in the “weather center.” It’s snowing! Snow! Windy snow! Wind! The weather center is me standing in front of a green screen. I’m vaguely gesturing at a pretend map. Unless it is Lonnie Quinn, of WCBS-TV who once played Will Cooney/Cortlandt on All My Children but blew that popsicle stand to do some badass meteorology. When 14-time Emmy recipient Lonnie Quinn rolls up his sleeves, shit is about to get real. Sleeves are down, everything’s cool. Sleeves are up, runaway fools. He probably has Lou Young’s phone number and gets to hang out with him.
8. Hello, I am reporting on transportation. The LIRR will help you commuters so you don’t have to be on the road. No for reals, the Long Island Rail Road will not screw you over like it does the other 364 days out of the year. Just wait there, the train’s coming. Maybe. Please change at Jamaica.
9. Hello, I am reporting from a desolate spot. Absolutely nothing is happening. OMG, I see a roadside diner! Hooray! Hello, roadside diner owner, you’re about to close the restaurant, I see.
Roadside Diner Owner: Yes, I’m about to lock the door. I suppose you think I’m letting you in for some coffee and a cutesy remote. I am not. I am literally locking the door in your face. You can not report from inside my diner. The restroom is for customers only. And Lou Young.
Reporter: You happen to have a black and white cookie in there? Maybe gyro? Day-old danish? Jamaican beef patty? Come back!!! He’s gone. FML. Lou Young isn’t even on this network!
10. Hi there, I have a cool vehicle: it’s a storm chaser. It’s like the storm chaser in Twister. Not the hooptie one Bill Paxton had to drive. This is like the sleek one that Cary Elwes got to drive. Let’s talk to some busy snow workers.
Busy snow workers: ¡Hola! Sí, we are busy. Hey, didn’t one of you gringos stop me five minutes ago? Uh, is this ICE? I just want to do my job. I am not a bad hombre.
11. Hello, we are in a comfy studio. This storm is winding down. That’s not good, we need drama. Let’s go check with a reporter tied to the train tracks. Don’t worry, it’s the LIRR tracks, that train is not arriving soon. This storm sucks. It doesn’t even have a name. Good storms have names. FFS, people on the Upper East Side are walking around on clear streets. Why does God hate us? Let’s pretend the storm has a name. We will call it Carla. Is that sexist? How about Pat? That’s unisex. Cue the scary music: Pat 2017. Dum, dum, dummmmmm. We think a lost skier turned to cannibalism in Central Park. Oh, no! There is an avalanche at a small park in the Financial District! Bowling Green has been destroyed!
12. Hi, I am doing an outdoor report in Ridgewood, NJ. Some survivors are huddled in this bagel shop. Haha, no. My bosses like me. I got the good gig. Hi “survivors” what’s going on?”
Survivors: Hmpjfsi, harlmfp.
Survivors: Sorry, just sitting here enjoying a bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll like we do every day.
Reporter: Oh, um. How’s business, bagel shop owner? It must be slow today, huh? Like you’re in a ghost town.
Bagel shop owner: Nope, we’re fine. You’re holding up the line.
Reporter: Oh, wow! Well, stay safe. Can I get a bialy with a schmear?
Bagel shop owner: Sure that will be $7.50. Freebies are for Lou Young. Hey, is it true what they said about Bowling Green park?
13. Transit reporter: The LIRR is running with delays. That sound you hear is Long Island feigning shock.
14. Hello, I am a serious reporter, unlike those cupcakes, I have serious news. There are massive power outages out here on Long Island. Damnit, who is this blasé millennial in the background? She is undermining me.
Blasé millennial in the background: Oh, hi! I’m just out for a walk. Snow is pretty. I enjoy the special snowflakes.
Serious reporter: What about the mass power outages?
Blasé millennial in the background: I pay $5,000 a month for a 10×10 apartment. I have a roommate, but we can’t always make the ConEd bill, so \_(ツ)_/¯