Fourteen Ways to Have Bad Sex the Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce Way

The year 2014 offered viewers so much sex.”The Affair” served up illicit Hamptons sex. “Scandal” delivered presidential/black ops assassin sex. “How to Get Away with Murder” excelled in Dr. Seuss sex: “Sex in halls, sex against walls, sex in stalls. Sex for all.” But as far as I’m concerned, the most memorable sex scene of the year — or possibly all time — was the priceless debacle on my favorite new show, Bravo’s “Girlfriends Guide to Divorce.”

Here’s how to cry yourself to sleep, the GG2D way:

1. Select a man who relentlessly pursued you while you were committed to an unsatisfying relationship. Kinda forward, yet kinda hot, amirite?
2. Abandon all hope that you can ever get together, relegating him to what-if territory. Unresolved sexual tension is everything.
3. Find yourself in “Aww, they’re so cute,” scenarios. In GG2D, it’s some parental crossing guard thing at school.
4. Just as you’re ready to walk away from the fantasy, find out that you are both free to finally scratch that itch. Yay! This is gonna be so good.
5. Keep hope alive with a cool date. A stylish pan-Asian restaurant followed by a trip to the vinyl store makes a solid first-date story. In fact, you already have a better how-we-got-together tale than all your friends who try to make OKCupid sound like a fairy-tale.
6. Overlook attempts to make the word “peccadilloes” sound sexy even though you know abuse of Merriam-Webster is a red flag.
7. Make sure he discusses and plans what your first kiss will be like. Recognize that he has maybe seen too many John Cusack movies and might possibly stand outside your window with a boom box one day.
8. Now for that kiss. It’s got to be unwieldy and a clear harbinger of doom, but why give up now? Forge ahead.
9. It’s go time. Hit the sheets. Kiss him so he’ll stop talking.
10. Let go of the fact that he keeps yammering, asking for stage direction. “Too aggressive?… I can be more aggressive.”
11. Those childish green socks should take this to DEFCON 3. Save yourself!
12. How can he still be talking? Make it stop!
13. Well, that was … fast.
14. HE’S STILL TALKING.

My advice? Track down the hot taciturn rando from the pilot episode and wipe this horror show from your memory.