Downton Abbey’s John & Anna Bates: We’re Bored Now!

The drama never stops at Downton Abbey. Rumors swirl that one of the servants is a killer —it might not even be Mr. Bates this time. It probably is, though.

John and Anna Bates are pleading with writers to wrap up the whole who-killed-Mr. Green-mystery. Mr. and Mrs. Bates point out that Mr. Green deserved to get pushed in front of a bus, they just would like to have a scene that doesn’t involve talking about this two-year-old case anymore. Insiders say that the moment earlier this season when the couple needlessly quarreled over Lady Mary’s birth control was a blessed relief.

The tightly wound valet says, “Look, this guy just happened to die on a day when I just happened to supposedly be in York. That was in 1922. I don’t even remember why I was in York anymore. Shouldn’t Anna have been with me? I can’t keep track of this mess.”

Lady’s maid Anna says, “Obviously, my husband probably killed Mr. Green. He probably killed his first wife, too. If it wasn’t Mr. Green it would have been someone else. That’s just the way John is, he polishes silver and makes menacing faces during the day and then goes on the hunt at night.  When characters leave the Abbey never to be seen again, it’s because he lurks around the train station and probably kills them. Trust me when I say that the annoying Miss Sarah Bunting never made it to her new job. That said, we’d like to move on with our lives now.”

An insider notes that this story might have been over and done with if head housekeeper Mrs. Hughes was capable of minding her own business. “Yes, she found an incriminating ticket to York in Bates’ coat pocket, but what was she doing rifling through his pockets anyway? Why couldn’t she just give the ticket back to him? She needs her own story to focus on.”

Evan Lady Mary stopped thinking about herself long enough to help out. “Mrs. Hughes brought the ticket to me. I’m quite fond of Anna and she stuck by me when I killed Mr. Pamuk with my poisonous vagina so I tried to help. I just burned the ticket and thought that was that. I had no idea the writers would still be whipping this dead horse. We didn’t hear as much about Matthew’s death as this guy’s.”

Thomas Barrow says the couple shouldn’t complain. “My big scene this episode was following an extra that nobody cares about to a speakeasy nobody cares about to protect him from a maid nobody cares about. I miss the early days with O’Brien when we were plotting and smoking, smoking and plotting. One day you’re shooting off your own hand to get out of the war, the next you’re worrying about some random character we’ll probably never see again.”

Ex-con Bates concedes that he’s getting so confused by this plot, he can’t remember if he killed Green but he’s certain that Anna is innocent. “Obviously Anna didn’t do this so I’m not sure why that’s been suggested. Right now I’m so mad at the writers, I could just murder them….”