The Bachelorette Recap: Rachel’s Season Ep. 1
I almost feel like Elaine should be doing the intro since this is Rachel’s season and Elaine has a woman crush on her like no other. I predict that we will get some freshness this season and, hopefully with an intelligent Bachelorette, things will be brought up a notch or two. Even as I am typing this, I am realizing that the exact opposite will happen and we will see nothing but musclebound jocks and airheads, but a girl can dream! Oh, my goodness, enough with the promo crap. I want to see the men. Bring me the men!
Elaine: You are correct about my love for Miss Rachel Lindsay. I am here for Rachel. And only Rachel. Restraining order be damned.
Andrée: Starting hot with a dedicated father, good job Bachelorette. Directly followed by a guy who lost his Mom to cancer, they are starting out with the heartstrings.
Elaine: Yeah, that’s heartbreaking but you know some other contestant is gonna go in there and say they lost their entire village in a drone attack or something. There’s a lot of competitiveness when it comes to tragedy.
Andrée: The Rubik’s Cube guy does not look like a beefhead.
Elaine: The Rubik’s Cube is still a thing? You should’ve solved that one in 1980, son. Oh, wait. He’s hot. He said he likes to code. Brains are sexy. I’m going to ignore the iffy hairstyle and give Alex my first impression rose.
Andrée: Meh, I don’t like the startup guy, too plain and I don’t see Rachel wanting to incorporate a ton of Bollywood dancing into her life.
Elaine: Yeah, no. Goodbye to Bollywood. Oh, God. I just read Alex’s official bio. He lists selfishness as one of his flaws. That’s an insurmountable red flag. Also, he likes Coldplay. Dammit, Alex. Didn’t we almost have it all?
Andrée: Lucas is a nut job. He needs to get cut on the first night. Otherwise, we will be stuck with him on Bachelor in Paradise for the rest of our lives.
Elaine: I don’t really understand this whole “Whaboom” catchphrase. I’d say stop trying to make fetch happen but you know this jackass is going to end up being a whabillionaire.
Andrée: Okay, if a guy goes on this much about how great he is at sex, you know he’s a dead lay.
Elaine: Sorry, Blake E. You have failed to impress Andrée. Please say your goodbyes and leave.
Andrée: I was on the phone and missed the last two guys but they looked cute and I’m not rewinding. Okay, I got off the phone just in time to hear a guy talk about getting arrested. But now he is a lawyer so hey, good on him. Aww, “I’m coming to LA to make her my wife.” That was kind of sweet.
Elaine: That is Josiah. You missed Josiah’s soul-crushing backstory. His brother hung himself and Josiah had to cut the body down from the tree. I get the vibe this one’s going to be around for a while so I’ve done the unthinkable and learned his name.
Andrée: OMG, I’m glad I missed that, to be honest. Corrine!!! Be still my beating heart!
Elaine: Aww, I’m so happy for you. Rachel obviously loves Corinne as much as we do so take a seat, haters. I don’t remember any of these other bitches.
Andrée: I actually don’t remember any of the other girls LOL, I don’t even remember who won. I love Rachel’s dress. Definitely gets my stamp of approval. I find the men’s limo entrances pretty boring. Without being about to judge all the competitors’ dresses it’s hard to stay focused.
Elaine: Right? Without dresses, how can we pass shallow judgment? Peter, first one out of the limo, is cute. Lots of bow ties. Welcome, Nation of Islam. One of these bros better offer Rachel a bean pie.
Andrée: No. No. And then this Urkel dude comes out. Blech, I would have cut him on the spot. Diggy would get cut too. No bad jokes allowed.
Elaine: Urkel Guy is cute, too bad he wasted all that on a tragically unfunny gag. His name is Will. I’m only bothering to remember it because he’s good-looking.
Andrée: So far this is a big mix of men from every background, I like that. I already forgot all the guys we met before, I am glad they stuck them all in one limo so that I can be reminded!
Elaine: Oh, right. There was a teaser intro “After The Final Rose.” I only remember some jackass with the “once you go black, you never go back” line right out of the starting gate. Oh, and here he is. His name is Dean. His choice in ties is as unfortunate as his lines.
Andrée: A marching band, I would say that’s definitely an entrance. Wait, does it say he is an aspiring drummer? His job is aspiring drummer? I can’t move past this.
Elaine: Yes, but if a man tried to woo me with a marching band, I’d overlook that dodgy “job” description. That’s Blake E., right? Isn’t he the one who was talking about how big his drumstick is in the beginning? I’m already confused.
Andrée: Ewww, the yearbook guy is mad creepy. How did he pass the screening?
Elaine: That’s Fred. I believe his yearbook quote was: “It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.” She was his camp counselor. Disturbing.
Andrée: OMG Tickle Monster is now a job title. Someone was drinking a little too much champagne when editing this episode.
Elaine: How come we can’t get jobs like that? Do you think “Bitchy Drinker” could be a title?
Andrée: I think it fits our jobs to a tee! I hate these gimmicks. I don’t understand the clean-up crew guy. I’m already getting angry. I need to stop drinking this latte and start drinking bubbles so I can get in the right headspace to deal with men who dress up as penguins as their courting ritual.
Elaine: Latte? What is the matter with you? Copious amounts of alcohol are required for this “job.”
Andrée: I guess I thought for some strange reason I could do it sober. Oh, how wrong I was. There are a lot of hot guys this year though, I am enjoying that.
Elaine: True. But after the Alex heartbreak, I’m not ready to commit. Oh, FFS. This Adam person just showed up with a doll that looks like him. This is some kind of American Girl hellscape.
Andrée: Of course just as I say that, Lucas the nutbird arrives. The second he did the Whaboom he’d be back in that limo. Send it away.
Elaine: It’s like Gallagher smashing watermelons. I don’t get it but obviously, someone finds him amusing. Forced to choose, I’d go with the doll.
Andrée: Lucas looks so familiar to me – had to get on Google and figure it out. He was on a reality show last year called Ex Isle. He was actually the most normal guy on that entire show, so clearly, the Whaboom thing is an act he came up with over the last year to try to up his reality game. Now we are building sandcastles in designer gowns, how lovely.
Elaine: I don’t like the idea of building a tabletop sandcastle with the “once you go black” jackass. I’ve warmed up to the creepy doll. It speaks French.
Andrée: Oooooh, I love the fur stole.
Elaine: So glam. I love all the testosterone-fueled competitiveness. I hope there is a lot of that this year. I want to see them hopped up on ‘roids and Red Bull so there’s lots of drama and physical altercations. There it is, Blake E. and his drumstick hate Whaboom. Listen up, America; the Bachelor and Bachelorette are contractually required to pick a weirdo. It happens every season. Whaboom is going to be that weirdo. Rachel will have to pick him. I’m telling you right now so you don’t get all whipped up when he gets that rose.
Andrée: Yeah this is basically just like watching a dick-swinging competition. Whaaboom will probably make it through three or four episodes! Unfortunately probably also Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, there is a Bryan with a “y,” my hubby would be voting for him for sure!
Elaine: I like that he’s attempting to charm her with Spanish. I see Bryan and the doll butting heads.
Andrée: Whoa! He went in for an aggressive kiss. And that aggressive kiss won him the first impression rose!
Elaine: To accept this rose in English, press 1. Poor Bollywood is incredibly drunk and making a fool out of himself. I feel bad for him. Oh, wait. I’m me. I don’t feel bad at all. Rose ceremony time!
Andrée: Dance, drunken fool. Dance! Entertain us for your short time here in the mansion.
Elaine: I’m so here for this! My crystal ball isn’t telling me too much right now, but I’m sure Josiah is going to be in it to win it. What are your early predictions for the season?
Andrée: Bryan got the first impression rose so we are going to have to toss him in the ring. I have to think she is going to pick a wimpy, nerdy looking white guy (assuming Nick is her taste) but I kind of think if not, Kenny the wrestler seems like a real sweetheart. My best prediction? Fred locks all the guys in a room, lights it on fire, ties up Rachel and steals her away to be his camp counselor for the rest of her life.
Roses: Bryan, Peter (first out of the limo), Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex (Selfish Coldplay fan), Kenny (Cute wrestler), Dean (‘Once You Go Black’ Guy), Matt (Penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred (Yearbook Guy), Adam (But not his doll), Blake E. (The man with the impressive penis, if you ask him), Lucas (Whaboom).
Sent Packing: Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, Milton (who shed tears over not getting to show off his outfits) and Mohit (Bollywood boozer).
All in I feel like that was a pretty good start to what will hopefully be an awesome season!! Let the dick-wagging continue!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC