Are You Ready For The Bachelorette?
Excitement! The Bachelorette premieres tonight at 9 ET on ABC and Rachel Lindsay is the one doling out the roses. To fully enjoy the show, you need a primer by going back to all of The Bachelor recaps from Nick’s season. Spoiler: There were only two women worth watching on the season: classy Rachel and sassy Corinne. Total opposites, but loveable in their own way. (Yeah, yeah, you hated Corinne. But we don’t so there!) In any case, they both lucked out. Rachel is now franchise royalty and will inevitably reach the most important Bachelor Nation goal, a slot on Dancing With The Stars. Corinne will go on to be the new Bachelor in Paradise bad girl because the crying “virgin” girl and that other one who is clearly a functioning alcoholic (It would be mean to name her ) are over the hill. So take a stroll down memory lane with Andrėe H.’s recaps and then tune in. Here’s what happened when last we met. — Elaine F.
Spoiler: Nick picked a bore. We’ll never hear from her again.
Elaine: I hope this “big surprise” at the finale isn’t Nick finally telling Raven he loves her or some other lame device. Of course, he’s going with the nag, so the question is moot.
Rose Marie: Oh God, another Bachelor surprise, the “this has never happened before” carrot. They do something like this every show and it’s always so lame. Where is my wine????
Andrée: Things that would be awesome: Nick dumping whoever it is on stage for Corinne. Nick not proposing when he is supposed to at the end, but instead doing it live, Nick and whoever announcing they are pregnant and having a shotgun wedding, some drunk nobody that thought Nick was the love of her life springs onto the stage, tackles Nick and starts biting him. Things that will probably actually happen: Nick will sneeze three times in a row, more than one girl will decide they are going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, we will find out that some past couple is now grandparents.
Elaine: The most hyperbole thing in our Bachelor recaps ever happened! Andrée’s mom is in da house! The legendary woman who fended off a wild pig attack at the beach! The legendary woman who gave us Andrée. Honestly, this is the only thing keeping me off suicide watch tonight.
Andrée: You have to love Facebook comments! Bringing the bloggers together! Chris Harrison is making Nick sound so pathetic right now. Stop using the phrase “so desperately seeking” when referring to Nick trying to find a match. So this is where Santa lives eh? Is it the North Pole? I am confused; they didn’t explain that to my satisfaction. YAY! Nick’s family! The initial reason I started to like Nick!
Rose Marie: Santa lives in the North Pole, honey. His Reindeer spend time in Finland outside the Christmas Season. Santa goes there to visit them throughout the year.
Elaine: God, Vanessa is boring. Honestly, I wish bitchy Taylor had made it to the final two. Vanessa is too dull to hate-watch. As for poor Raven, there is no point watching any of her scenes. She’ll never be heard from again.
Andrée: Nick’s family is definitely being reserved this time around. They are asking all of the tough questions. It’s breaking my heart seeing his mom again. They were so convinced about Nick and Kaitlyn. Mr. H is just in complete disbelief that Nick dumped Corinne for the hick and some other girl he doesn’t remember at all.
Rose Marie: I thought Raven was handling herself pretty well. Saying the right things and scoring some parent points. She is sickeningly sweet though. Sort of like when you eat the whole batch of chocolate chip cookies! Vanessa, just stick a needle in my eye and get it over with. Gosh, I am not a fan. I feel like a traitor, should be supporting the Canadian girl but I just can’t.
Elaine: Vanessa is an insult to Canada. I mean, she’s no you, and she’s no Andrée and she’s no Justin Trudeau.
Rose Marie: I support exporting her to the USA, you can have her!
Elaine: WTF is Vanessa crying about? She just met Nick’s family, and she’s turning on the waterworks. It’s only 8:30 and I’ve already refilled my wine glass.
Andrée: This is f—ng painful. I hate her so much. She’s telling Nick’s mom she’s not ready to be engaged. Good. Be gone. Mr. H says if this is one of the chapters in her book, that’s a really boring book. They are now really making it look like the hick is going to win so maybe I change my vote. Vanessa is turning on the waterworks again. What a con artist. Ok, I hope the dramatic surprise is Corinne in a trenchcoat with a can of whipped cream, just saying.
Rose Marie: I like Nick’s Father. You always go for the girls with a strong personality. How’s that worked for you son? Make a different choice this time dumbass.
Andrée: His father is giving him great advice, choose different women. Of course, he isn’t going to follow his dad’s advice and end up with an asshole no doubt.
Elaine: Two things about the on-camera Bachelor Nation audience. I feel bad for the man who is there. If he’s straight, the woman in his life should not drag him to this thing. It’s not like he even gets to see Corinne and her bouncy house bikini. Also, there is a bald woman. I don’t think it’s a fashion statement. I find myself concerned about her health. Chris Harrison gave her a hug so now; I have to do a #Thoughtsandprayers hashtag
Rose Marie: I missed all that…how did I miss that? I blame it on Andrée she was sending me messages and distracting me! My husband would divorce me if I tried to make him go to something like this.
Andrée: I missed all that too, but I was popping another bottle of champagne, so it’s not my fault. Oh, look, It’s a turd in a toque! Blech, I’m starting to get Andi-level hatred for Vanessa. Mr. H wants to know why Nick is at the Arctic Circle with no hat.
Elaine: That’s intense hatred. Andi Dorfman is high on the hate-watch index. Sometimes Mr. H and Mr. TV Recaps weigh in to mock the show or ogle Corinne, but dragging a husband to live show is a bit much. I refuse to acknowledge Santa. Not that I don’t love St. Nick as next as the next consumer, but this is not the time. And I don’t want them cheapening Santa.
Rose Marie: Why torture Santa, that’s unfair to him. OMG, she is crying again? More questioning…give me a break, why did you come on this show, Vanessa? It’s all about falling in love in a short period of time and getting engaged at the end…
Andrée: Mr. H hopes Nick marries Santa Claus and wants to know if they have gay marriage in Finland. Santa’s loaded, he’s popular, he’s an executive with the best logistics in the world, he’s a catch. Hearing Vanessa compare her relationship to believing in Santa Claus makes me want to slit my throat.
Elaine: Nick said “I feel very strongly for you.” Or he said “sfgm fmal mgh.” Either way, it’s not as good as an “I love you.” Vanessa is pretending to be worried that he might “sfgm fmal mgh” for Raven too. As if.
Elaine: I was just telling Mr. TV Recaps that I’m on suicide watch now because I’m bored. And he said, “Is this the last one? Glory Hallelujah!”
Rose Marie: I think Vanessa might be on suicide watch after that little convo. Cry all you want, girl; he isn’t going to say I love you at this point. Try a new tactic. I’m still torn about who he is going to choose. I’m not ready to count Raven out just yet.
Andrée: I don’t know, they are going out of their way to make it look like Vanessa is getting dumped, so I feel like it’s definitely going to be Vanessa and the big suspense will be whether or not she actually says yes. The show has been alluding to him getting potentially left at the altar all season. Let’s be frank; Raven would not be leaving him high and dry on his knees with a shiny ring. There is only one hardened bitch in this finale.
Elaine: I would love it if he picked Raven because it would be unexpected. I like that.
Rose Marie: Oh Mr. Andrée’s Dad just got home. I’ll get him to bring me more wine from the fridge downstairs!! I am much happier now!
Andrée: Wine is necessary in this situation. It’s the only thing that makes this show palatable. I am gutted that this date with Vanessa isn’t over yet. I can’t possibly listen to any more of his bullshit and any more of her being annoyed.
Elaine: I have to look up Raven’s height. She looks short, which is a bonus. Actually, she looks like a cute little doll. The problem with Nick is, he looks so genuine with each of them. That’s why he’s got at last seven Bachelor Nation notches on the bedpost.
Rose Marie: Her bio says she is 5’ 6”. Hey, Andrée isn’t that the height you claimed to be when you tried to get that modeling gig in Halifax!!
Andrée: Wow, Mom you don’t even know my height. Tsk Tsk. I’m 5’6” and a half, thank you and I claimed to be 5’8” :p Oh, wow. Mr. H just said, and I quote: “Wow, I escaped poverty to not have to marry a chick like this, and this guy is competing to get to marry her.”
Rose Marie: Remembering your height is the least of the things I need to clutter my brain with.
Andrée: I’m deeply hurt.
Rose Marie: Have a drink of champagne and get over it.
Elaine: Oh, that’s statuesque. I lied on a medical question the other day. I pretended to be 5’1” I added a quarter of an inch. I rounded up. Wait, what the hell are they sitting on? That better not be a dead reindeer. Dogs!!! There are dogs on this date! That makes this a great date. Ice skating and dogs. This is my second favorite date this season. Can’t beat my girl Rachel and the second line in New Orleans.
Rose Marie: Let’s just go with fake animal pelt. Making out on the ice, sitting on fake animal pelts by a fire and puppies. What else could you ask for? You know my hubby plays Sousaphone in a second line band in Halifax!
Andrée: I would ask for everything in the world but this date. All I see is cold and wet and misery. Raven is just 100% convinced she’s getting proposed to tomorrow.
Rose Marie: You’ve never been a fan of anything that takes place in the cold, or rain, or fog, or wind. OK, let’s face it, you only like sun as long as there are no bugs.
Elaine: I want to get back to Mr. Andrée’s father and the second line. That’s amazing. I will put on my parka and join the parade.
Rose Marie: In fact, I think they played a few songs at Andrée and Mr. H’s wedding at some point during the night. But I digress…
Elaine: That was my second favorite wedding in the whole world. Well, I have to include my sister-in-law so it’s in the top three. Nick just said the sweetest thing to Raven, “Umgh ljem hermsip.”
Andrée: I have to say it was totally my favorite wedding ever!
Rose Marie: It was pretty special. It scares me that I am starting to understand most of his mumbling.
Elaine: It scares me that I think Nick is kind of hot. It’s the rakish smile. He’s definitely no Mr. TV Recaps who is a dreamboat. And he’s not Justin Trudeau who is my pretend boyfriend.
Rose Marie: I almost spit out my wine!! LOL! Ahhh, little Raven is so sweet and sincere.
Elaine: She is. I’m so fickle. I like her now. If he breaks her heart, I hope she ends up finding love on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m way too invested.
Andrée: I love Nick but Raven doesn’t do it for me. Although if it was Corinne, they probably wouldn’t be sitting in Finland right now. They’d be on a yacht, and she’d be half naked, and I would be happy instead of contemplating suicide. Mr. H is now texting Mr. TV Recaps attempting to escape this finale. Apparently, a blizzard isn’t quite enough to keep Mr. H on the couch watching this crap.
Elaine: I saw that text. It was a cry for help.
Rose Marie: Nick should pick Raven. He would always be the best person she has ever had sex with! What more does he want? It’s a lifetime of studliness. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Andi!!
Elaine: That is a brilliant point. I think Raven may have fibbed a little about that, but if it makes Nick feel good and thwarts Andi, I’m all for it.
Rose Marie: Exactly. What a great move on her part! She may have a little bit of schemer under all that sweet.
Andrée: It’s the right thing to do, she would never leave him. Nick’s not one for making good choices though unfortunately.
Elaine: I had a salient point to make it, but the wine made me forget. Oh, wait, I remember. I should know better, but Chris Harrison is making me believe that hyperbole will happen tonight. It’s like Charlie Brown and the football. And besides, the best After the Final Rose will always be Jason Mesnick dumping Melissa and telling Molly he loved her. I loved Molly too. The only way Nick tops that is if he announces that he’s now a polygamist and will marry both girls and move to Utah.
Rose Marie: I loved Jason and was so happy when he dumped Melissa. Molly was obviously the best choice. That was a dramatic moment for sure! Nick couldn’t handle two women. You can only mumble around so much.
Andrée: I didn’t watch that season, I feel like I missed out. Mr. H pointed out that the chick with the bald head may in fact just be a lesbian as she is sitting next to another chick with a half shaved head with short purple hair. He also observed that Nick’s real problem is he has horrible taste in women. I have to agree.
Rose Marie: OMG really, you missed that!! You def have deprived yourself.
Elaine: I did notice who the bald lady was sitting next to and it makes me think Mr. H is correct. Dear God, is this episode still going on? I’m feeling bad for Raven now. I suspect I’m going to see her dress first. I’d like to take a moment to praise Chateau St. John Chardonnay. It’s the perfect white for a summer night. The warm vanilla and brown spice aroma is as comforting as hot cocoa. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.
Rose Marie: Why did they choose a location that’s bitter cold? You can’t even see the dresses.
Elaine: It adds to the ladies masochism. Oh, dear. I just saw an ad for Nick on The Dancing with the Stars ad. The sexy meter is dipping.
Rose Marie: Please tell me you are kidding. Thank goodness I don’t watch that show. I just saw it too….garçon, garçon I need more wine!!
Elaine: I don’t watch it either. Surprisingly, I have limits.
Andrée: Even I have that limit! Mental note, Raven’s dress is long and grey with a long black coat, and then in the other corner, we have Vanessa in all black. Mr. H says if we are going off how these two look entering the limo, Vanessa for the win. Limo door is opening, and what do we see – ouch, it’s grey. Fairy tale over, Raven.
Rose Marie: Ahhh mannnn!! I think I knew she was too sweet for it to work. But I didn’t want to admit it. I worry about her being eaten alive in Paradise though.
Elaine: Yeah, but she could be the one sweet girl to make it. I’d like to take a moment to praise Popyeyes drive-thru. The authentic Louisiana seasonings transport you to New Orleans. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.
Andrée: I’m currently praying to the Bachelor gods that Raven does not go to Bachelor in Paradise. What Raven needs now, and I’ve said this before is a Hitachi Magic Wand. Settle in with The Notebook; some Ben and Jerry’s and your new magic wand and discover what controlling your own orgasms are like, it will totally soothe your pain. Ad dollars or freebies welcome 😀
Rose Marie: Oh gosh, stop talking Raven…look at his face…this is not a good sign for you. I’ve never had Popeyes. I’m drinking Mr. Andrée’s Dad’s homemade wine.
Elaine: The second line and the homemade wine?! He is my second favorite husband. Well, I have to include my new brother-in-law, so top three.
Rose Marie: And the boat, don’t forget that!!
Elaine: Sorry new brother-in-law, you just dropped down. I mean, I did spend a lot of time down below, the water was choppy. Next time, I’ll man up.
Rose Marie: LOL It’s even better now we have a fridge so cold beer and wine. And we just bought an ice maker to bring on board this summer!! But back to the show…bye Raven, sorry you just had your heart ripped to shreds.
Elaine: Do you have a unicorn? I think you need a unicorn. Raven, you will be better in the long run. Go have orgasms with someone else now. You can do it. At least she’ll be a star in Hoxie. Pop. 8.
Rose Marie: Yes Raven, never settle for a man that doesn’t satisfy you sexually. It isn’t all about them!!
Andrée: She’s a country girl, she’s going to settle. Buy a Hitachi Raven you can thank me later.
Elaine: I feel like Nick’s tears are playing me. Different time, different place and it would be up to 8 notches, young man.
Andrée: I’m pretty angry, I haven’t cried once. Usually, I cry even if I can’t stand the girl. I have no emotions watching this girl get her heart broken.
Rose Marie: Your heart is cold as ice!! Okay, now we have to watch him propose to Vanessa. Sigh……
Elaine: The suspense isn’t killing me.
Andrée: There isn’t even a lake she could potentially trip and fall into for our entertainment. I actually feel like her dress looked better with the little jacket.
Rose Marie: Oh, did we just get a hint from Chris that the big historic moment has something to do with Rachel??
Andrée: This big surprise better not be the show giving itself another pat on the back for having a black Bachelorette.
Elaine: I heard that too, but I thought it was just the Chateau St. John talking. How can that be the surprise? We already know she’s The Bachelorette. And agreed with the show’s self-congratulatory attitude. The Bachelor producers think they get the award for finally doing something they should have done before. What do you think the surprise is?
Rose Marie: Not sure, maybe meet some of the potential bachelors??
Elaine: This is a very emotional proposal. I wish I cared more. I should be secretly crying because I’m too invested. But I’m not crying. I’m just reaching for another delicious drumstick from Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen.
Andrée: No tears here. Just a complete lack of emotion and interest. Nothing like telling a guy you are crazy and emotional leading up to his proposal.
Rose Marie: Have a big drink of wine that’ll bring tears to your eyes!!
Elaine: Done and done. I may regret this in the morning, but it’s not the morning. Live in the moment.
Rose Marie: That’s my motto. Well, isn’t this great, the USA gets a new citizen!!
Andrée: Her family was pretty adamant that he move to Canada so we shall see.
Elaine: If she had a brain in her head, she’d be staying up there with Justin Trudeau. I’ll take her place. Then I can go from cyberstalking JT to actual stalking. Dreamy sigh.
Rose Marie: The most shocking dramatic moment in Bachelor history ever!!!!!! Chris needs new writers.
Elaine: Really? Truly? Maybe Chris Harrison is telling me the truth this time. I literally have four chicken bones and an empty bottle of wine in front of me.
Rose Marie: I just have an empty wine glass, not sure how I ended up in this predicament.
Andrée: It’s for Rachel eh, I’m hoping it’s a man covered in sushi. Or Corinne popping out of a cake.
Elaine: I need another bottle and I need to find out where my dog went. He may be trying to make scientific history with a cat. Long story.
Rose Marie: I don’t even want to ask. Bachelor in Paradise!!!!!!!! Yes Raven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elaine: Good for Raven. May you find love or at least a second orgasm in Paradise. Oh, my Rachel is coming up. She’s so pretty. Yes, Rachel, yes! Represent!
Andrée: Booo, Raven will be the new annoying chick on BIP I guess since Carly shacked up with that freako Evan. This damn surprise better not be that she will have the most amount of men ever to choose from because that always gets confusing.
Rose Marie: No she won’t, we’ll like Raven in Paradise. I’m sure she can have lots of orgasms in paradise if she wants!! Good girl gone bad. Wait is that a different show or movie??? I love Rachel!!
Elaine: I love her almost as much as I love Salmon Creek Cabernet Sauvignon and Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds. Your ad dollars are welcome.
Rose Marie: Well that’s saying something!
Elaine: The Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds have distracted the dog. So we won’t have any cuppies. Those are cat puppies.
Rose Marie: I’m glad you explained that!
Andrée: You might want to put down that bottle if visions of cuppies are running through your head, Elaine.
Elaine: It’s gonna be funny when Mr. TV Recaps finally returns to the room and finds me passed out surrounded by chicken bones, pork rinds and an empty bottle of wine. Vanessa’s yammering makes me peckish. Side note: It’s not even my cat. Long story.
Rose Marie: I expect Mr. TV Recaps will handle it! Vanessa is just such a yadayada. Nick has chosen a life of being nagged, oh what fun.
Andrée: Yeah big surprise, her first comment is how some days are hard. Stupid bitch. Did she just say she’s never watched a season? Well, stupid is as stupid does.
Elaine: Vanessa is not as fun as The Tastiest Crunch in the South.™ I honestly am so bored with her that I’m considering letting the dog go to the fantasy suite with the cat.
Andrée: PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE. STEP AWAY FROM THE PETS.
Rose Marie: A toothache is more fun than Vanessa. I have absolutely no comeback for the dog/cat fantasy suite. Good thing my wine is gone, I’d be spitting it out again. Are we at the surprise yet? No…damn.
Elaine: Are you there, God? It’s us, TVRD. Please let something interesting happen. Or I’ll keep writing about pork rinds.
Andrée: What a surprise the naggy bitch turned out to be a naggy bitch. Nick hasn’t even come out yet and I can already tell they are done. I’m also excited about the future. The future in which we never have to see you again, Vanessa. Ouch, they even had a shitty kiss! The only time Vanessa sounded passionate is when she talked about her ring.
Rose Marie: There is no saving us, they are still talking about how they fight. I am feeling so optimistic for their future, NOT!
Elaine: The thing about pork rinds is that they have 0 grams of carbs. And there are only 10 calories per pork rind.
Rose Marie: Mr. Andree’s Dad has brought them home before, and they were not bad.
Elaine: I want an endorsement deal. And not Cuppies.
Rose Marie: Hahaha, Vanessa is going to move to the USA. I wonder if Trumpkin will let her in?
Elaine: She’s bound to be detained. You know, it’s my sister-in-law’s cat. I bet I’d make a pretty penny if this Cuppie thing happened. Dear God, please let’s just get on to Rachel.
Rose Marie: Cuppies…it’s a catchy phrase. I have to be careful here, I don’t want to be seen as encouraging your ideas!! So Rachel has no idea what is about to happen. Chris is baiting us.
Elaine: I don’t want to be seen as encouraging the dog’s ideas. I think he doesn’t really understand consent.
Andrée: Mr. TV Recaps, YOU ARE NEEDED! #savethecat #getthatdogaplushtoy
Rose Marie: I almost fell off the couch laughing at that one , Andrée. Just remember a drunk yes is a no!!
Elaine: Heh, I’ll tell him. Rachel is so pretty. A drunk Elaine is bi.
Rose Marie: Thank heavens Nick and Vanessa are gone. Wow, Rachel looks amazing!! The girls are out and everything!!
Andrée: Definitely Mrs and Mr. H approved. Aww, I just remembered we don’t get BIP right away first we do The Bachelorette.
Elaine: That’s right, girl. Push ‘em up and flaunt ‘em. That’s how I nabbed Mr. TV Recaps.
Rose Marie: My best friend always says, “Boobs rule the world”.
Elaine: She is correct. And let’s not forget an eye-catching posterior.
Rose Marie: Or a platinum vagine.
Elaine: Ding, ding, ding! That is the most important. I’m dating Justin Trudeau and Rachel, yet, I don’t understand the whole surprise factor. Wait, whaaaaa? The hell? Did Chris just say The Bachelorette starts right now? Damn it, the wine and pork rinds have me so confused.
Andrée: If and only if you are actually able to show off the platinum vagine!
Rose Marie: Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…this was an epic surprise. However, I guessed it earlier tonight!!! Just sayin’…do I get a prize?
Andrée: Your prize is you got to see the beginning of The Bachelorette already. Woo freaking hoo.
Elaine: I’m still so confused. Chris Harrison said she’d meet her first guy. Is he her first guy? What is happening?
Rose Marie: You have had too much wine!! He is introducing her to the first guy after the commercial break!!
Andrée: What did these guys do to get the preferential treatment? Twitter is blowing up right now.
Elaine: It’s not too much wine, it’s product placement. I hope the first guy is cute.
Rose Marie: I stand corrected. This is fun, makes everything that came before this worth it.
Andrée: Shows up with tickets to Vegas and a ring. Sold!
Elaine: Oooh, look at that. Nation of Islam in da house. Nice bowtie, cutie. Second guy, meh.
Rose Marie: First guy is cute. Second guy nope. Bye bye Blake, let’s not waste our time.
Andrée: Eww. Pass on Blake. He is painful. I hate him already.
Elaine: So, Chris Harrison didn’t lie for once. This third one is kinda cute. Okay, the racial quip with the whole “Once you go black” thing is grounds for dismissal. Too soon, white guy, too soon. You gotta wait before you start with that.
Rose Marie: Ohhh, damn he went there. My jaw dropped a bit.
Andrée: He’s def getting the boot. He got no air time, she’s like “See ya.”
Elaine: Once Mr. Justin Trudeau goes black, he won’t go back to Canada. Fourth guy. Meh. Well, the goofy dance made me love him a little bit. I’m so fickle.
Rose Marie: I think he might be fun. I like the dance. Mr. JT is attractive but you know he is not a charismatic as his Father was. His Father wasn’t good looking, but had every woman in Canada in love with him.
Andrée: He sucks. Hate him. Hate everything about him. No goofy dance will make up for that terrible intro. I only like 1 out of the 4
Elaine: I did not know that. Well, JT has one woman here who loves him. The show is over already. Thanks for making it the best recap in Bachelor history!!!
Rose Marie: It was my pleasure, I’m happy to have participated in the drama!! Now we wait until May for the fun to begin!!
Andrée: That was pretty good. I don’t know if it was to the level of any of my guesses, but it’s better than I expected. I hate to have to sit through another Bachelorette before we get to the show I love, but I will spend my time happily shopping for Corinne’s husband for Bachelor in Paradise and tweeting her about it. May 22 will be the start of Rachel’s season, then Bachelor in Paradise!!!! I tip my glass to you ladies and look forward to continuing our rants; I mean recaps in May!