Bachelor in Paradise: Week 4, Night 1
Things are juicy in Paradise; I’m enjoying this way more than I enjoyed Ben or JoJo’s seasons hands-down! Hopefully this week we will have some total hotties come into the resort and shake things up — who knows, maybe even Nick will get to discover love today! Let’s find out!
Andrée: We are right back to Jared wanting to kill himself. He is so done with having a stalker. I guess Ashley thinks if she just keeps crying and asking him if he is sure, eventually, he will just give in and date her.
Elaine: Jared is way too easy on Ashley. He has to forget about this “friendship” and just stomp on her heart. The way I see it, she’s just gonna cry either way. If he’s namby-pamby, he is just leading her on.
Andrée: Listening to Jared try to convince Calia that he’s there for her while Ashley sobs to Jorge in the background is just priceless.
Elaine: Jared is paying more attention to the bunny-boiler. He needs to learn the basics of shunning. I could tell him how to erase someone out of your life as if they never existed in 10 easy steps.
Andrée: I like that Daniel is in control of the rose ceremony today. Obviously, I hope Sarah goes. I also would like to see the twins go. I love my Kardashian Barbie Ashley I.
Elaine: Ashley is crying to Jorge, and Mr. TV Recaps, who doesn’t even watch this show, wandered by and said, “She’s still crying? The one with the lips?”
Andrée: It’s funny how Sarah thought Chad was the most offensive thing on the planet, but she’s all into Daniel who is being a total douchebag.
Elaine: It all comes down to options. Sarah is not a hot commodity, so she’s gotta count on the one remaining guy who has expressed interest.
Andrée: If those twins both started kissing Daniel, l think they would be staying 100%. They are not making the right move sending in only one twin to seal the deal.
Elaine: It’s time for most of the originals to go. Single Sarah and the “twins” are duds. The established couples are dull. I’d keep Jared and Caila; that crazed, teary, “virginal” stalker you like, Nick and I guess the new girl, Jen. She’s bland, but Nick likes her. Everyone else can pack their knives and go. Amanda and smarmy Josh can stay, but only if Josh and Nick fight. That’s it. I’m sorry, Andrée, but I am over Mr. Canada.
Andrée: Mr. Canada has a name you know–and it’s Daniel I don’t think a peck on the lips is going to get you anything, honey. Okay, Ashley, you are up. Crawl on that Canadian and get yourself a rose. You are a virgin. This is a tool you can use against him. I love that they bleeped out Daniel’s “Why Sleeping with a Virgin is Awesome”. I want to hear that. I need to know what he said.
Elaine: Okay, that was an amusing segment. Finally, it’s time to give out those roses. Damnit! Why did Daniel keep the twins? Ugh. From this moment on, I refuse to acknowledge those walking petri dishes.
Andrée: That sucks because I’m losing out on my Kardashian Barbie. I am so happy to see Sarah go. I don’t know why she is so surprised she’s going home. She was a total [expletive deleted] the entire time.
Elaine: Whaaaa? Daniel sent Ashley home? She’s refusing to leave. Yesssssss!
Andrée: She’s asking if she can stay, claiming she’s been crying less, when all she has been doing is crying. I can’t believe that worked. I am certainly a happy girl right now.
Elaine: Nick’s got the best reaction with that groan. I’m loving on him so hard right now It’s sweet that Nick gives her brotherly advice and tough love. Caila is going to shove a rose down Ashley’s throat.
Andrée: I would pay money to see that catfight go down! Bring on the new men!! Some dude from Andi’s season, Carl. Didn’t watch that season, don’t care about him. He’s going after Twin Emily. Sounds good to me.
Elaine: I hate-watched Andi’s season. Fun fact: She was reportedly paid $50,000, which is significantly less than the other Bachelorettes.
Andrée: Really eh? I wonder how much the others were paid. They lost at least one viewer that season because of choosing her– this gal, right here! Here’s another dude from Andi’s season, Brett. He’s carrying a lamp. Apparently, he did that on her season too. This guy sucks so bad at life. Whoa! This new dude is going in for Caila. That’s kind of fun. Ashley I. is loving it!
Elaine: Those ripped jeans, tho. I have questions about Mr. Lamp Guy.
Andrée: Ashley spends her one-on-one time trying to convince Brett to break up Jared and Caila and it works! Ashley cannot contain her happiness. Bye, Felicia.
Elaine: Oooh, Jared is jelly. Welp, this is what happens when you don’t stake a claim. Our Chad would have thrown Caila over his shoulder and tied her to a chair until she said she loved him. He might have even brought her this guy’s pinky finger on a plate as a sign of devotion. I miss Chad.
Andrée: Chad would have never let that stand. I would also like to see a catfight between Chad and Jared, just to see Jared beaten to a pulp. Might straighten out his face a little. Jared is getting a little possessive. Trying to pretend that he isn’t but, he so is. Wouldn’t it be funny if he turned stalker. Boo, his possessive ways worked. Oh, now they haven’t worked. This bitch is getting too confusing.
Elaine: Don’t call Caila names. She’s showing Jared that she can make him or break him.
Andrée: Seriously now she is telling this dude yes, then no, then ye; she is the most confusing person in the world. I think maybe we gave her too much credit. She seems a little loopy.
Elaine: I’ll have to ask Mr. TV Recaps. He says: “It just sounds like foolishness, especially for somebody you don’t have any investment in.”
Andrée: Daniel’s advice is : “Just be a big dog like me, and we’ll create a little wolf pack and run free and find some little puppies to snag and bring into our den together” Amazing.
Elaine: I love that Jared said: “I just got dumped for a lamp.” This is the most quotable episode of the season.
Andrée: Ah, I kind of want to date Jared just to dump him for a flashlight. It’s another double date. They are really cheaping out this year. Emily has no idea who she is on a date with. Some creepy, gross-looking dude. Caila is dancing in a way that makes me think she should never publicly dance again.
Elaine: Caila was making a valiant effort at Latin dance. Twin took the easy way out by rubbing her behind against Unknown Tattoo Guy’s crotch. On the other hand, Twin probably just earned a rose.
Andrée: Of course, Ashley swoops in immediately. Though not so sure this is the stuff romance novels are made out of. Perhaps emo romance novels.
Elaine: Ha! What romance novel is she reading where the man doesn’t like the woman and has to be pursued? Was Fatal Attraction based on a romance novel?
Andrée: Seriously, though, in her world, a man looking at her is the perfect romance I think. This date is practically a sex cruise. I’m enjoying it. Caila on the other hand–not so much. I actually feel sorry for the dude she’s on this date with.
Elaine: Caila doesn’t enjoy drunken foreplay with a man she just met. She just wanted to make Jared jealous because he paid more attention to his stalker. I see she ran off with Jared after her snooze cruise with Lamp Man.
Andrée: Ashley is about to be a fountain of tears again. She’s actually listening in on them. She is such a stalker. A completely crushed stalker. Ashley is crying less than usual, but certainly not the turnaround she claimed.
Elaine: Thank you for making me watch this glorious show. Question: Did Jared and Ashley date? Question: Of the current crop, which woman would Chad most like to hold captive in his bunker of love? Since he liked crazy Lace, do you think he’d select Ashley? I don’t think she’d be bothered by his roid rage. I want Jared and Caila to get married on a “two-night Bachelor event” because I’d enjoy seeing Ashley locking Caila in a broom closet and putting a veil over her own head to trick Jared.
Andrée: You are welcome! Took some serious twisting of your arm but I finally got you hooked! Answer: They have become “best friends” over the past two years. They have made out and made it as far as second base, but Jared didn’t want things to go further because he was worried that if dating her didn’t work out, he’d lose his best friend. Second Answer: I think Ashley for sure, hands-down, Chad wouldn’t be able to resist the virgin challenge. All joking aside, there is a strong possibility Ashley will one day murder Caila and we will all feel terrible about everything we’ve written. Ryan B. from Kaitlyn’s season just showed up. Best remembered for not being remembered. I don’t remember him at all.
Elaine: Nor do I. He has very white teeth.
Andrée: It’s so cute that Grant set up the little massage date for Lace. I don’t get why he is falling for the trainwreck, but in all fairness, she hasn’t been a trainwreck since Week 1. Whoa! Grant just told Lace that he loves her. Her response is: “What is it about me that you love?” Awful.
Elaine: I’ll give her a pass, she didn’t see this coming. Apparently, there is a girl named Izzy on this show. She’s into some guy called Vinny. Apparently, they were a couple. And now she wants a conscious uncoupling so she can go after Lamp Man.
Andrée: It’s awkward watching someone you are into exploring things with someone new right in front of your face.
Elaine: Maybe she shouldn’t flirt with him while she’s 50-feet away from the guy she’s been with.
Andrée: I don’t understand why these people feel like if they find someone else attractive, they have to break up with their mate. I find other people to be hot all the time. I am sure my husband does too. In fact, I know this because we constantly point out hotties to each other. On that topic, I saw a lady bent over a stroller at the park the other day and you could see both her boobs, nipples and all. I pointed it out to my husband, who mistook my “Boobs! Boobs!” for booty and looked in the wrong place. His loss. She had great boobs.
Elaine: That is the most amazing paragraph to ever appear on TVRD.
Andrée: I feel like I am an awesome wife and my hubby totally didn’t take advantage of that fact! In other news, Vinny just got dumped. Boohoo. I don’t care. Meh, not much of a cliffhanger today. I couldn’t care less about what Vinny has to say to Izzy. I made the mistake of watching the previews. I can’t wait for the Ashley and Caila catfight. Catfight! Bring it on!