The Bachelorette: Season 12 Episodes 1 — 4
Remember the time Bachelor expert Andrée H. and I were complaining about JoJo being The Bachelorette? We were pretending we might not watch, but of course, we are. Andrée has watched every episode, I’m just catching up. Let’s go! — Elaine F.
11: 11 a.m. Okay, I’m going in. Dear God, how many episodes do I have to watch to catch up in time for tonight? This is going to be grueling. I already forgot about how The Bachelor ended with Ben. What is this girl’s name, again? Seriously. I remember now, it’s KoKo. Wait, no, it’s JoJo. This is going to be a long day, I’ll need to mainline coffee and switch over to wine when tonight’s episode begins. It’s a liquid diet.
Jake Palvelka!!!! Yay, he’s a horrible person, this will be a great season. Wait, what? They are just friends? Sigh. This makes me sad. Oh, well.
Week 1: The first hour was okayish. Aside from the men of color, I can’t tell one from the other yet except for the weirdo who specializes in erectile dysfunction. And the one whose profession is listed as hipster. I’m looking away from the screen during the previews, I’ve learned my lesson about getting psyched for scenes we never see. I’m still bitter that one of the girls got a black eye last season and we didn’t see it. I’m hoping that this season involves lots of testosterone, backstabbing bad boys and physical altercations. Please let there be plenty of alpha males. I want JoJo to take the shadiest one to meet her overprotective and vaguely creepy brothers.
**Andree’s Thoughts: The guy that showed up on the unicorn eww. Also, what’s with the drunken frat house ambience. This tells me nothing good about the upcoming season. Really felt to me like the show is only worried about the husbands watching. Don’t forget about us! We aren’t going to fantasize about men that are broing it up.
Week 2: I know this Chad guy is supposed to be the designated douche and he probably is, but I totally agree with him that women should stay away from self-proclaimed “nice guys.” So called “nice guys” want what other guys want, but they don’t have the balls to say it and they have an outrageous sense of entitlement. “I helped you move to a new apartment and painted your walls. Now, you must have sex with me. No??? Then let me get on Reddit and whine about how all women are whores.” There are three categories: bad boys, nice guys and good men. Mind you, I am watching this by myself so I don’t have anyone to play a game of FMK with.
**Andree’s Thoughts: I completely agree. I love this guy, he’s totally saving the season for me. Too bad he probably won’t last long, all the other women, err, I mean bros in the house will do anything to get rid of him.
Week 3: Sorry, still Team Chad. Evan acted like a little punk when he made Chad the butt of a sex joke in front of JoJo. That was a really unfortunate turn of phrase. A drunk Chad isn’t an attractive Chad, he probably was drinking on an empty stomach. I have a hard time believing that Evan is straight. I do think, however, that he is there for the right reasons: hanging out by a pool with shirtless guys all day. He’s a tattletale and unworthy of the group-date rose.Uh-oh, Chad just hocked and spit, you’re losing me Chad. Please sober up so you can continue to be my favorite.
Okay, whoever this guy is who spoke to Chad like a real friend and kindly advised him to not behave like Hitler … or Trump and take it down a notch to be like Mussolini or Bush is my second favorite. I’m going to learn his name if I can place his face when he shows up again.
What week is this? I’ve lost track. I still love Chad, who will obviously get sent home soon. Since I always root for the fun bitchy girls everyone is jealous of like Olivia and bad boys like Chad on these shows, I have a new idea: Pariah Island. All of my favorite naughty contestants can get together and find love.
It’s 6:21 p.m. how many episodes have I watched? As I’m watching Chad in the woods with whoever this guy is on the two-on-one date, it does occur to me that if JoJo got in a relationship with him, he might take her to a cabin with a bunker and hold her hostage there until she said she loves him and will never leave. In defense of Chad, these girly tattletales have been bullying him in their own way. Poor Chad, left alone in the woods to potentially kill hikers. I’ll always love you, Chad. Uh-oh, he’s back at the house confronting the other men. If this whole thing ended up with the other contestants dismembered, that would be a little bit awesome.
**Andree’s Thoughts: Team Chad all the way. He brought so much drama we got two episodes this week. Starting to actually really like this season! Oh, and he’s gone. Damn. I love that they left him rage filled in the woods to hunt down the other men. The Chad train keeps on a-rolling. I’ll stick around for at least one more week, but after Chad is gone they are going to have to pull some serious stunts to keep me entertained!
The Bachelor airs Monday at 8/7c on ABC