Snow Day Recap: Winter Storm Stella 2017
The rulers in the snow, the cruelty of warm and cozy anchors making banter with freezing reporters buffeted about by high winds and questioning their life choices. Best of all, Lou Young! TVRD loves inclement weather news coverage. Let’s go!
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Welp, it’s not safe out here and the residents in this remote location took our warnings seriously, so there is not a soul on the street. This is good. “Stay inside, stay inside, stay inside,” that’s my motto. So everyone stayed inside. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Everyone is safely inside. That’s good, right? OMG, there are some kids at a window across the street! (Runs across the street. Attempts a B&E but the kids just open the door.)
Kids: Uh, who are you?
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Hi, I’m a news lady. It sure is cold out here, eh? So you must love being home from school.
Kids: Actually, we are home-schooled, so this is just like every other day. Except last week, for the Day without Women. Mom put on red pajamas and stayed in bed all day. She’s not politically active, she’s clinically depressed so that was like every other day, too.
Voice from inside the house: Close the damn, door. It’s freezing. I’m trying to sleep. What are you brats doing?
Kids: Talking to a stranger who just wandered in here. I guess it’s safe; she’s alone.
Voice from inside the house: Oh, okay. Stay inside, stay inside, stay inside.
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: I’m not really alone. Look behind me, see? There’s a man with a camera in the van.
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Back to you.
Sadistic Anchors: Aww, no sledding shots? Sucks to be you. It’s kinda hot in here. Someone, please turn down the thermostat in the studio. Now let’s throw it to Mr. Commute Reporter
Mr. Commute Reporter: Every single bus, train and subway is out of service. Wait, the LIRR just announced it is operating on a regular schedule; expect to wait for hours and transfer at Jamaica. Metro-North is stopping service in five minutes. Oh, hi, Man on the Street. Why did you not stay inside, stay inside, stay inside?
Man on the street: Hi, I have a low-paying job and I work the night shift. Fortunately, I can go home and be with my family now. I’m in a rush, actually.
Mr. Commute Reporter: Of course, let’s just fit in a few minutes of trite commute banter.
Man on the street: Sigh, okay. Make it snappy.
Mr. Commut Reporter: The Metro-North is shutting down service in 4 minutes.
Man on the Street: What?!
My Commute Reporter: Sorry, too many people stayed inside, stayed inside, stayed inside. Since you did not heed the warning and went outside, you get to be part of the stranded commuter segment. See ya’ later. And back to you.
Warm and Cozy Anchors: There’s a lot of stranded commuters out there, huh? Oh, goodie. That’ll make a segment filled with tired, hangry and frustrated people. Now let’s take a commercial break.
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: This is a good time to stay inside, stay inside, stay inside. Sleet is pelting my face. Ow! Oh, hi, Men on the Street. Let’s chat.
Man on the Street No. 1: They are doing a good job shoveling, but I wish they’d let up. I want to cross-country ski.
Audience: Let’s punch him in the face. Where is Lou Young?
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: Here is someone else. What are you doing?
Man on Street No. 2: I’m dutifully clearing my sidewalk, so nobody falls and tries to sue me. I hope I don’t have a heart attack. Man on the Street No. 1 has a snowblower. He could let me use it, but that would mess up his cross-country skiing. He’s a dick.
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: Word. Ouch! The sleet seems to be organizing. Back to you!
Starstruck Warm and Cozy Anchors: OMG, OMG, OMG! Guess who’s doing the next segment?
Lou Young: Hi, I’m at JohnnyCakes in Nyack. It’s an inviting and warm spot in which to dazzle flirty diners. Every single person in this diner is taking selfies because I am Lou f—ing Young. The women want me. The men want to be me. Let’s talk snow.
Flirty Customer: I like to talk about snow, please ask me questions.
Lou Young: I’ll be back, sweetie. I gotta step outside for a sec and let the people on the street have the treat of geeking out. (Makes a statement saying that sometimes he thinks this will be “the last time I’ll do this.”)
Me: What? No. I need you. New York needs you.
Lou Young: I was just joshing you. I’m going to enjoy a turkey panini now. Lou Young gets turkey paninis. I’m leaving Nyack soon, gotta keep on the move in case some stalkerish recapper tries to hunt me down. Back to you.
Lonnie Quinn: My sleeves are rolled up. I am a badass meteorologist. I punched a snowman once, just to watch it die.