1.  Ladies on Top: The “Everlasting” contestants are reunited again, but this time the women take control in a groundbreaking look at BDSM culture. Watch what happens as they dominate a variety of bottoms. The series features weekly “swap meets” in which the ladies explore their options at a lavish formal evening known as the ball-gag. The men show their worth by entering a vault and piecing together cryptic messages known as “Safe Words.”  Quinn King serves as executive producer.

2. ForEVER Hungry: Katniss Everdeen meets Survivor as the ladies split up into tribes and are given rudimentary weapons to stalk and kill their prey. Will it be pheasant, trout, or rabbit stew? The losing team must vote off one member to forage in the woods for potentially lethal mushrooms and berries. May the odds be EVER in your favor, ladies! Graham hosts and Rachel Goldberg serves as executive producer.

3. LAST Dance: The contestants are together again for a live ten-week round-the-clock dance marathon. Dancing with The Stars meets the 1935 Horace McCoy novel, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? The ladies are paired up with professional dancers and drop it like it’s hot — or until they drop dead. Special musical guests include Robin Thicke, Nickleback. and The Eagles. Shia serves as executive producer.

4. From Adam to Eve: Adam who? The “Everlasting” ladies get together again for a journey of self-discovery as they look for love with one another. The last couple standing wins a Subaru! Faith serves as executive producer.

5. Against Type: Hilarity ensues when women of different races, cultures and nationalities come together to fight stereotypes. Sassy Athena aka Nomarosa and spicy Grace co-star in the series which revolves around Britney, a white girl whose eyes are opened as she sways at her first gospel choir service with Athena and practices Latin dance moves with Grace’s large, boisterous and close-knit “familia.” Laugh along as Britney takes Athena and Grace to the country club where they hilariously balk at eating escargot. Watch what happens when Athena and Grace share simple wisdom to help Brit’s stuffy family loosen up and enjoy life! Jay serves as executive producer.

Psst, Marti Noxon, call me!

UnREAL airs Mondays at 10/9c on Lifetime

1. Shia’s tampers with Mary’s drugs Overlooked Bitterella Shia, devised a diabolical scheme to squeeze more drama out of Mary, a 40-something single mom and Everlasting’s designated desperate cougar. The show’s psychiatrist Dr. Wagerstein helpfully told Shia that Mary takes medication because she’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I thought the psychiatrists employed by reality shows were supposed to help the contestants handle the pressure. Nope. Armed with the tittle-tattle, Shia slipped into Mary’s room and substituted Mary’s psych meds with something else. Added bonus, there was a gift basket with a bottle of booze. Remember when Real Housewives of New York’s Kelly Bensimon had a mental collapse during a cruise? I’m not saying the producers deliberately drove Kelly to the brink, I’m just saying, uh, you know what I’m saying.
2. Rachel makes Britney cry. Every reality series needs a villain or villainess, the reality show gods decree it. Currently, Nick Vialls is the supposed bad guy on The Bachelorette Season 11. As villains go, meh. He needs to step up his mustache-twirling, but I digress. Thanks to meddling from producer Rachel Goldberg, the Suitor rejected kittenish Britney in favor of strapping Faith, who wicked queen bee Quinn King had intended to be a humiliated first-episode evictee. Britney tried to do the impossible, make an exit with her head held high, but Rachel kept poking the bear, dredging up painful episodes from Britney’s past until the ersatz Courtney Robinson freaked out and did the requisite amount of crying. So that explains why the ladies who have only spent a few minutes talking to The Bachelor on the first night bawl in the back of the limos. Who knew they weren’t just clingy nutters? Britney knew how these shows work, but playing on childhood trauma is wicked.

   

3. Anna doesn’t get to be at her dad’s side To make sure that wide-eyed Anna stuck around for another ceremony, the producers didn’t immediately inform the contestant that her father was ill. When Anna found out she escaped from the mansion, only to find that her father had already passed away. Rachel hauled eligible bachelor Adam to the funeral to manipulate vulnerable Anna into returning to the show. Rachel was getting close to one of the circles of hell with that one.
4. Athena gets stereotype cast. Where would reality TV be without embarrassing racial, cultural and regional stereotypes? The Real Housewives of New Jersey showcased the reigning queen of guidettes, ditz turned jailbird Teresa Giudice, Shahs of Sunset presents tasteless and ostentatious Persians in L.A. The classic trope is the argumentative black woman. Unlike Everlasting contestant Shamiqua, who has couth, Athena was egged on by ambitious producer Jay to be loud and aggressive. The Apprentice bad girl Omarosa Manigault raised it to an art form and Real Housewives of Atlanta star Nene Leakes is the title-holder. Athena brought some Nomarosa realness to the role and given enough time, would have stirred up plenty of facepalm drama.  Jay should be ashamed of himself for promoting demeaning media clichés, but he was doing his job and he was upfront with Athena, who planned to milk her bad behavior for publicity.
5. Faith sticks her head out of the closet. Adam and country girl Faith came across as a couple of buddies, not a potential couple, but the suitor kept the popular underdog around anyway. When Adam visited Faith’s small Mississippi town, Rachel pushed the religious virgin to finally get it on with Adam. Faith’s heart belongs to someone else, her friend Amy. Rachel gleefully captured the coming out on camera, but when Amy wasn’t ready to be outed, Rachel pressed Jay to destroy the footage. Of course, he didn’t do it, but for now at least, Faith can tell her story in her own way. Rachel depicted Faith’s sexuality in a salacious manner, but she was pretty spot-on about how telling the truth would liberate Faith. Jay didn’t fabricate anything, but it was shady.
6. Anna is exploited again. After losing Britney, Quinn is determined to have a new love-to-hate contestant and she’s set her sights on poor bereaved Anna. In addition to giving the relatively sweet Anna the bitch edit, Quinn plans to take advantage of Anna’s eating disorder. Quinn sucks, but Anna already missed her father’s death and let the show exploit her some more, Anna should have known better.
7. Maya’s walk of shame. When Adam’s friend Roger was brought in to get to know the girls, Shia persuaded Maya that she’d impress Roger, and thus Adam if she behaved like a party girl. Maya who appeared to be dignified quickly boasted about her hedonistic ways, got wasted, stripped down and made out with Roger. The whole spectacle ended up with Roger and Maya engaged in an off-camera sex; judging by the way she stumbled out, it was implied that Maya was too drunk to give consent. Maya is a grown woman and should have known better than to carry on like she was on a Girls Gone Wild reboot. Shia was just doing her job, but should be ashamed of herself for encouraging another woman to behave in such a way.
8. Mary goes over the edge. After unwittingly going off her meds, thanks to Shia, Mary became manic and started downing booze. Tipped off that Mary was a battered wife, Rachel attempted to liven things up with a surprise appearance by Kirk, Mary’s violent and emotionally abusive former husband. After tussling with Adam — which the producers thought would make for a swoon-worthy moment — Kirk convinced his unstable ex-wife that she’s an awful mother and Lilly Belle would be better off without her.

   

   Mary took his vile words to heart and jumped off the roof of the Everlasting mansion. It’s mostly Sha’s fault, you can blame Dr. Wagerstein, too, but Rachel didn’t help matters, there’s a lot of blame to go around. Shia had every chance to come clean and it’s hard to believe that Quinn wouldn’t have given her a bonus. Rachel, who is smarter than dumbass Shia, forced an unsuspecting woman to face her abuser for ratings and Dr. Wagerstein deserves to have her license revoked.

UnREAL airs Mondays at 10/9c on Lifetime

She’s brash, opportunistic and she knows how the game is played so it was tragic to see Athena, or as we lovingly think of the NeNe/Omarosa hybrid, Nomarosa, sent home from fictional dating show “Everlasting.” If anyone is deserving of extending her 15 minutes of fame it’s Athena.

Athena, played by Natasha Burnett, is a producer’s dream; tell Athena how to play her character and she will serve up some Nomarosa realness. That’s because she has her head in the game unlike all those other true-believers, those deluded starry-eyed ladies, who think they’ll ride into the sunset with The Bachelor, or as the male prize, Adam, is known as on UnREAL, The Suitor.

Athena has career aspirations, she wants to open a buzzed-about beauty salon. Do we really believe that Real Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel or Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump agreed to be on those Real Housewives shows because they were bored? I think not. Those shrewd ladies had businesses to promote. Bethenny was hawking Skinny Girl cocktails and positioning herself as a celebrity chef/ “personality.” Lisa Vanderpump, whom I adore, gets free advertising for her restaurants, Villa Blanca, Sur and Pump, and is on solid footing to launch a career as a lifestyle expert, plus she seems to enjoy doing it and is totally in on the joke.

To get what she wants, Athena is willing to go along with some stereotypes. It worked for Nene, who is probably the only Real Housewife of Atlanta, who will be remembered. it worked for Teresa Giudice (until that whole imprisonment thing, but she’ll likely still get a TV show.) Athena is clever enough to realize that making it to final four would be good for her, she went home early, but no matter, Athena is capable enough to make a career out of being hate-watch fuel. Here are some suggestions for the Everlasting producers.

Athena looks for love. Isn’t that what Tiffany Pollard did with I Love New York? Now because Athena is a Greek name, I’d suggest setting the show in Greece. Imagine all the cross-cultural hijinks as Nomarosa learns the culture, the customs, the cuisine, the dances, the debate about soccer versus football. The possibilities are endless. I think after group dates, the lucky “Gladiator” would get to spend the night seeing the sights from Athena’s private chariot. At the end of the weekly toga party, Athena would say, “Will you accept this Baklava?”

Athena Fix My Hair. Are your weave tracks visible? Are you somehow still clinging to curl-activator? Are you an unfortunate victim of the Bonner Brothers Hair Show? Then you need to get to Athena. After a 15-minute intro in which you are mocked, Athena will have your do on point and then you can go to an on-camera after-party where all your loved ones cry tears of joy now that you have met their expectations and will no longer look like a carnival freak when at PTA meetings.

Athena and Faith Road Trip: Hilarity ensues when a white country girl and a sassy black girl must overcome their differences and work together. Imagine the antics when Faith teaches Athena how to milk a cow and Athena shows Faith how to dance. For bonus points, Faith gets to go to her first gospel church ceremony and awkwardly sway.

Obviously, these are all soul-crushing reality-show ideas, buy hey, soul-crushing sells. Please unleash Athena and all of her Nomarosa glory onto the world. No seriously, I love Athena, don’t take her away from me so soon.

For this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Everlasting, we pass judgment on the contestants and evil geniuses with a very special rose ceremony.

In an effort to “win” Adam, Grace got down and dirty. She found a utility closet or some location which should be beneath any woman not having sex with Pornstache Mendez at Litchfield prison and used the old down-on-knees approach.

Verdict: The performance was uncreative, it’s no way to go down on an “Amazing Journey.” Zero roses.

When she was reprimanded by producer Rachel, Grace brought up Rachel’s well-circulated raunchy missive to Jeremy and suggested that Rachel makes googly eyes at Adam.

New Verdict: The people in glass houses defense is always a winner and Grace boldly used it against a producer with the power to give her a bad edit. She also made a keen observation about Rachel’s interaction with The Suitor. Three roses.

Evil Queen Quinn is aware of Anna’s eating disorder and nearly clapped her hands with glee at the thought of a contestant sprawled on the bathroom floor, surrounded by her “concerned” rivals. I could be wrong about this, but I think the germy bathroom floor technique is relatively new. Damn my inability to retain memories of former The Bachelor contestants. I do recall den mother Renee Oteri crawling under a bathroom stall to help one of her Juan Pablo sister wives who was having a freakout. All that bacteria to console some random drama queen.

New Verdict: In terms of evil, it gets one dozen roses.

Quinn had to escort her married lover, Chet, to the ER. It turns out their affair isn’t so secret. Chet’s wife knew all about it and mercilessly took down Quinn. Chet’s wife boasted that she’ll get millions, the real estate, everything that rich ladies get, while Quinn gets nothing. To turn the knife, she added that she’s glad that Quinn has sex with icky Chet, so she won’t have to do it.

Verdict: So the Evil Queen has been outmaneuvered. Quinn loses 24 roses, which puts her at a  -12. The Wife played this brilliantly and earns 36 roses.

The Suitor’s friend showed up to “help.” Usually, I find this one of the tiresome Bachelor conventions and use the time to fill my goblet with more wine and look for cookies. I did enjoy it when the family of farmer Chris Soules picked Jade for the Disney Princess date and she got to whirl around in a Cinderella gown. Jade’s known for her cooch shots, it was delightful that the down-home family saw her fairy-tale potential. It just dawned on me that glass slippers look a lot like stripper shoes. No judgment, just a mere observation. In any case, Adam’s friend Roger encouraged a raucous Bachelor-style pool party, which nicely lowered everyone’s dignity level.

Verdict: It was an undeniable but lesser-known, Bachelor parallel and deserves six roses.

Sullen Biterella Shia almost got to shine as an evil genius. It was an admirably Machiavellian move to convince respectable Maya, the sommelier, that in order to impress Roger — and increase her chances with The Suitor — she needed to act like a party girl. Maya took the bait, she boasted about being a “hedonist” and started getting a little handsy with Roger in front of Adam. That’s not Everlasting wifey material. Despite that, — or probably because of it — Roger selected Maya, along with Grace (of course) and Anna for a three-way. By that I mean three ladies were selected for an intimate dinner with Roger and Adam.

Verdict: Shia manipulated a seemingly intelligent and sophisticated woman to play dumb. Six roses.

Maya, you should know better.

Verdict: I don’t approve, but it got Maya what she wanted. She gets one rose and some severe side-eye. Kaitlyn and Britt had better ways of getting attention, Britt just prettied all over the place and Kaitlyn cracked jokes.

After the women on the special date performed the requisite talk of their dreams for a family, Maya stripped down for champagne-fueled water sports. This was simply embarrassing.  After the other attention whores rushed from the mansion to crash the date, they egged on Maya with a lot of “woohoo!” and chants of “Maya! Maya! Maya!” she ended up in some sort of sordid off-camera tryst with Roger and emerged with running mascara and a pathetic walk of shame.

Verdict: Zero roses, and I’m being kind by not putting her in the deficit column like Quinn.

Adam felt bad for Maya and she got to go on a solo date with him.

Verdict: Adam gets a rose for showing foolish Maya pity.

Shia completely fucked up; her pool party coup backfired. The loud music and chaos made the spectacle unsuitable for editing.

Verdict: Shia gets all of her roses taken away. That’s a big zero, Shia.

Rachel was in trouble with Quinn for not being on top of things. She rectified the matter by telling Anna that Grace is blabbing about her eating disorder and a poolside catfight ensues.

Verdict: Rachel, who was having a shitty day, rallied and was appropriately evil. She gets six roses and bonus roses for scoring a poolside catfight, which will be great for ratings. That’s a total of 18 roses.

The winner: Chet’s wife. Humiliating an evil queen in grand style is the ultimate chess move.

UnREAL airs Mondays at 10/9c

Have you watched UnREAL on Lifetime yet? If not, get to it. It’s wicked. (If you are from Boston, it’s wicked good )

1. Quinn, the queen bee producer of reality dating show, “Everlasting” is an expert evil queen. Intense, high-strung, willing to break hearts and destroy lives in the name of ratings. God, I love her. She strikes me as the type of friend that you meet for cocktails, sample sales and swapping prescription sedatives. Just don’t ever agree to be on her show and you should be okay.
2. Rachel. Oh, Rachel. Such a mess, but so talented. She’s the type of girl who could school you in “walk of shame” protocol. What we learned this week was, use hand sanitizer all over your body, flip the undies inside out so get another day out of them and don’t be shy about taking what you need to freshen up. If you happen upon a hot acquaintance taking a shower, just barge in. Water conservation, people. The other cool thing about Rachel is when she’s exhausted from being kind of evil, she has the most entertaining breaks from reality. No pun intended.
3. Producer Jay is the kind of charmer who can help you find the most likely candidate for poor life choices. Educated and polished Shamiqua has too much grace and dignity to be a cliché. Bye, Shamiqua. Hello, Athena. She’s got her own aspirations and will happily fill the role of Nene or Omarosa. Perhaps she will be a Nomarosa. BTW, I love Nene and want her to be my friend, too. She’s rich, bitch. She’d shield you if you happen to encounter Omarosa.
4. Faith. Sweet, Faith. The underdog contestant warm, exceedingly polite and doesn’t seem to have a mean bone in her body. I just want to be friends with her because I don’t know anyone like that. It would be novel.
5. Behind-the-scenes malcontent Shia is kind of a pill so I don’t to be besties with her, but she’s so bitter and resentful, she’s the one most likely to provide gossipy ammunition against your enemies.

UnREAL airs on Mondays at 10/9c.

A disturbing frosted cake, fairytale princess carriage pulls up. Out steps Shamiqua, a beautiful woman who ups the “first impression factor” by playing the violin. She’s got the looks, she’s got the willingness to humiliate herself on national TV as an “Everlasting” contestant, she’s also got the melanin, which prompts producer Quinn’s King’s first freak out. It goes like this:

Quinn: She’s black. She can’t be the first one to make an arrival, Jay! Everyone who has ever watched one of these Bachelor/Bachelorette shows knows that she’s going to be sent home after a respectable three episodes, stick her in the middle of the pack. Or as Quinn puts it, “It’s not my fault America’s racist.”

Me: Wow, right out of the gate? We’re not backing away from any of the dating show tropes, are we? I am so in.

UnREAL is executive produced by Marti Noxon who is also the executive producer of Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce. Clearly she sits around thinking, “I’ve got to entertain Elaine.” Okay, maybe she doesn’t think that, but she’s responsible for two of my favorite 2015 shows. Full disclosure: Noxon produced and/or wrote for two of my TV obsessions, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, so I’m a totally biased fanlady. (She hasn’t yet sought a restraining order, so that’s good.)

UnREAL’s debut episode gets all the details right: the bland male prize, the mansion, the fountain, Shamiqua handles the mini talent show and don’t forget the prop, there’s always a prop. Mary, the designated desperate MILF, brings the stuffed animal. There are no roses to accept, but every competitor is given a diamond bracelet, which she has to return when she gets kicked off. (Now, that’s really unkind!)

From the control room/death star, Quinn cackles about Faith, the virgin and “horse-faced tear-jerker,” who is supposed to get her hopes up only to be sent home the first night in humiliation. Quinn is an evil genius, I like her.

Rachel Goldberg, a former producer returns to the show, she’s also an evil genius. Rachel is kind of crazy, though. She suffered a break from actual reality during the previous season finale and stumbled into the scene raving like a loon. That’s because she has a modicum of shame about being evil. Of course, the Everlasting crew made Rachel’s emotional collapse work in their favor, they edited the scene to so it looked like one of the final two contestants went bonkers. (In fairness, she did have a tantrum when Rachel told her that she was the one about to get dumped, so it wasn’t all editing.) Rachel is an expert at manipulating a departing contestant until she sobs on camera. So that’s why the first-night cast-offs crack after a few hours at a cocktail party with the man who could be their husband. Rachel has her own agenda, she can slyly steer the circus performers to do the opposite of what Quinn wants. In this case, she persuades our bachelor, Adam Cromwell, to keep poor laughingstock Faith and send home the hot girl who Quinn intended to portray as the bitchy villainess.

Everyone makes fun of the reality show contestants who make fools out of themselves, but UnREAL takes a peek at why they make fools out of themselves. Do you think Kaitlyn and Britt were watching?

Disney owns ABC and Lifetime, so it was a stroke of genius to air Lifetime’s UnREAL after The Bachelorette. It was delicious seeing it after two hours of hate-watching Kaitlyn and her bachelors. If you want to to read a post from someone who love-watches, the Bachelorette, head over to Andrée’s recap.

Click on this video for a preview of next week’s episode.

Sometimes I secretly watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette in shame with an ice cream sandwich. Please don’t tell anyone, okay? Dating show producers are evil, that’s what I like best so I’m excited for the debut of UnREAL on Lifetime tonight, the series is about the behind-the-scenes Machiavellian techniques the producers use for maximum drama and ridiculousness.

The series stars Shiri Appleby as Rachel, who kinda, sorta feels bad about being an evil genius, and Constance Zimmer as Quinn, who does not feel bad about being an evil genius. I love Quinn already! (Zimmer was excellent as brainy, badass reporter Janine Skorsky in House of  Cards, so I’m already a fan.)

Don’t wish you could watch this with The Bachelorette’s Kaitlyn, Britt and mastermind Chris “There’s only one rose left.” Harrison?

The series is co-created and executive produced by Marti Noxon, who is at the helm of the delightful Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce.

Check out the show at 10/9c on Lifetime tonight.

https://youtu.be/hjihjvqk_yM

In any case, UnREAL debuts tonight at 10/9c on Lifetime.