TV Commentator: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle captured hearts when Harry declared his love and said: Aw hell naw, Karen.

Tha Usual Suspects on Social Media: Why are you enjoying this? There’s suffering in the world. Hold still while I give you the Dementor’s kiss.

The Rest of Us: 

TV Fashion Commentator: Whatever dress Meghan Markle wears is going to get copied by everyone because she’s such a fashion icon. We haven’t seen a royal influence style since Princess Diana!

Kate Middleton: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Newsflash! Meghan has pushed back her hotel departure by 15 minutes. No, Meghan, if we are up this early in the morning to see you get married, you better get in that car now, girl.

TV Commentator: Look, there is a blurry shot of the bride in a Rolls with her mum, Doria Ragland! We can’t see much of anything. Let’s hypothesize. She’s probably holding her mum’s hand. I bet she’s excited. She’s probably saying, “Wheeeeeeee!”

The Audience: 

Royal Commentator: Prince Harry is the most popular royal ever. Well, after the Queen maybe.

Royal Commentator 2: Quite right. Prince William is also popular.

Royal Commentator 3: Yes, the most popular living royals are the Queen, Prince Harry, and Prince William. Are we forgetting anyone?

Prince Charles: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Royal Commentator 4: Oh, right. We almost forgot Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie.

Prince Charles: FML.

Step and repeat time!

Here comes Amal Clooney rocking a yellow Stella McCartney dress. Right behind her is Posh Beckham wearing a scowl. There’s Harry’s ex-girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, I think that look is called second thoughts.

The moment has arrived, there she is, Miss America! Let the service begin! 

Just gonna say, Doria Ragland is a remarkable woman. I can’t even fathom what she must be thinking and feeling as her daughter makes history. (And I love this little moment when Prince Harry glances over at his future mother-in-law to make sure she’s okay.)

Speaking of historic events, Prince Harry accomplishes an amazing feat when he sees his bride. Prince Harry is the first white man ever to be able to pull off a sexy lip bite.

Women Across The World (And some of you gents!):

Warning: Don’t try this at home, white men! You’re not Prince Harry.

It’ll end up looking like a Pinterest fail.

And now let’s have a few words from Bishop Michael Curry.

And by “a few words” I mean we’re going to black church. Start fishing around in your purse for the love offering and settle in.

The Royal Family:     

Queen Elizabeth:

Bishop Curry: Imma ’bout to wrap up. Take it to the bridge!

Meghan Markle:

Prince Harry:

Us: Yes, we would like a mocha baby with red hair immediately. Don’t just stand there, get to it.

And the new Duke and Duchess of Sussex lived happily ever. The End.

Harry: Life, Loss, and Love by Katie Nicholl
The author has been reporting on the Royal Family forever so she offers a standard biography. I’ll just go ahead and admit that I wouldn’t have picked it up were it not for Megs (I get to call her that because we’re totally besties), so the juiciest info relates to Prince Harry’s love life. There’s Zimbabwean-born Chelsy Davy, whose hobbies include wrestling crocodiles and breaking Prince Harry’s heart and some other girl, Cressida Bonas, who is not Meghan so who really cares? The author doesn’t get around to Meghan until Chapter 12 out of 16 and any self-respecting fan is already familiar with what’s covered.
Summary: Prince Sexy has been known to have a roving eye. He better not even think about it.
Rating: 

Prince Harry: The Inside Story by Duncan Larcombe
If you’re only going to read one Harry book, which means you probably have your own life, this is the one to read. Duncan Larcombe is the former royal editor of The Sun and has plenty of entertaining anecdotes from personal experience. Prince Harry has pulled a couple of pranks on Larcombe, who obviously has a soft spot for the rogue royal. The book was updated after the engagement so there are only two chapters about Megs, but it’ll arm you with insight that will serve you well when the Duke and Duchess of Sussex pop in for a cuppa.
Summary: We seriously want to down some Pimm’s with Prince Harry. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Rating: 

Meghan: A Hollywood Princess by Andrew Morton
I was on the fence about this one because Morton, who authored Diana: Her True Story, is kind of shady. Press mentions of the book focused on supposedly less-flattering details offered up by some Bitterella who used to be besties with Megs but got replaced by me. Most of the book is positive, but you know, haters gotta hate (Andrew Morton’s gotta egg it on). It seems like Morton just recently Googled “interracial marriage” and learned about Loving v. Virginia because he will not shut up about it. One tasty tidbit: Samantha Markle, Meghan’s ugly stepsister, has always been trifling and a bit mental.
Summary: OMG, you guys, Google says interracial marriage used to be illegal!
Rating: 

American Princess: The Love Story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry by Leslie Carroll
Leslie Carroll is totes invited to come hang out with Megs and me, just three American girls sipping Tignanello and dishing about The Crown. The author, who specializes in royal romances, is all in when it comes to the Meghan love.
Summary: Say anything negative about these two and Leslie Carroll will cut a bitch.
Rating:          

Life’s big events reunite friends and family, especially a happy event like a wedding. Welp, our bestie Meg is getting married next week so TVRD is back from hiatus, baby. We’re super psyched about the royal wedding because of our personal ties to the bride and groom. Elaine has watched Suits and visited Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace so that counts, right?

Anyway, Lifetime will surely handle this in a purely factual and artistic manner. Oh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a glorious shitshow in a fascinator. Have yourself a glass of Tignanello with a side of shame and let’s go!

The Prince Harry Origin Story Fairy:  Ello, Guv’Nor. Let’s have a cuppa while I reduce Harry’s complex life down to three episodes. His mum died, he wore a Nazi outfit and got nekkid in Vegas. Welp, peace out. No reason to fill in the blanks when the writers are making this up anyway.

The Meghan Markle Origin Story Fairy: Heeeeeey, girl! She’s half black. The writers think that means she’s half sassy. Okay, you go girl. And um, don’t get it twisted.

First date time!

Prince Harry: Hi, I’m a prince. And according to the iffy narrative going on in this movie, a douche. I thought you might be ugly so my manservant is going to interrupt in a while so I can get out of this situation. Too bad I don’t have opposable thumbs, if I did, I’d know to Google you.

Meghan Markle: Hi, I’m Wallis Simpson. I’ll probably be snapping and neck rolling before the next commercial. And, so help me Jesus, if that commercial is sexist, Imma cut a bitch up in here.

Prince Harry: Invictus games.

Meghan Markle: Suits.

Prince Harry: I love you.

Meghan Markle: I love you too.

Prince Harry: Let’s go to Botswana.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Here we are in Botswana. I’m now going to freak you out with this big snake.

Meghan Markle: Say, what now?

Prince Harry: My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Meghan Markle: What?

Prince Harry: It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Now that we’re in love I have to go home and make everyone lose their shit.

Back at Buckingham Kensington Clarence House Palace

Prince Harry: Hi, Kate. Hi, Uncle Prince Andrew.

Prince William: I’m not Uncle Andrew, Harry.

Prince Harry: Sorry! Hi, Uncle Prince Edward.

Prince William: I’m your brother, Harry.

Prince Harry: Oh, sorry. Aren’t we supposed to be three years apart? Why are you 50?

Prince William: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Prince Harry: So, what do you think of my girlfriend?

Kate Middleton: Oh, my God, Becky. Look at her butt.

Prince Harry: Right? I’ll bring her around for our next combo tea party/polo match.

One week later (Maybe)

Meghan Markle: Hi.

The Royals: Hi. We need a composite character for the audience to hate. Here’s Bella.

Meghan Markle: Okay. Hi, Bella.

Bella: Hi. I’m really bitchy but I also don’t actually exist.

Meghan Markle: I’ve heard enough.

Prince Harry: Hey, girl. Why are you outside by yourself? Didn’t you have fun talking to that composite character?

Meghan Markle: Nope.

Prince Harry: Was she racist? Was she an online troll?

Meghan Markle: Forget it.

Prince Harry: No! I will not. She’s a troll. Trollllllllllll!

Meghan Markle: I’m going home.

Racists gotta racist. Trolls gotta troll. In one of the few factual elements, Prince Harry is having none of it. Once the press starts throwing shade, he releases that statement. The one that launched a thousand swoons. But Meghan Markle is not swooning.  She mad. She so mad.  In a made-up scenario, Meghan Markle is at home with her mom, Doria Ragland, when she hears about the statement on the news. It goes like this.

Meghan Markle: How dare Prince Harry make this grand romantic gesture? I’m a grown-ass woman. I’m no damsel. Blah, blah.

Prince Harry: Knock, knock.

Meghan Markle: Go away!

Prince Harry: What?

Meghan Markle: Bye.

Doria Ragland: What the hell, Meghan Markle? That was dreamy AF.

Meghan Markle: What’s that sound?

Doria Ragland: Harry is outside with a boombox playing “In your Eyes.” Please go get that boy.

Meghan Markle: Okay, I’ll wait until he gets to the airport.

At the airport, Prince Harry and his boombox get on the plane and Meghan Markle decides she’s going to make her anguished declaration of love right before liftoff.

Meghan Markle: Hi, TSA Lady. Mind if I run out on the tarmac all crazy?

TSA Lady: Where did you come from? Do you have a boarding pass?

Meghan Markle: Never mind, just give me a microphone. Is this thing on? Testing, testing. And I… will always love you. I… will always love you. Ooh.

Prince Harry: Jolly good.

Back in London, it’s time for Pippa Middleton’s wedding. In real life, though Meg wasn’t at the ceremony,  she attended the reception, but screw reality. In this version, Meg was sort of snubbed which probably delights old legendary racist Princess Michael of Kent. Though the timeline is different, that hag did show up at a holiday event with a Blackmoor brooch. Next week, Princess Michael will have to curtsy to HRH Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex.

Unfortunately, the movie decides to mine Princess Diana’s death for tension and Prince Harry starts blurting out lines about his mother’s flaws. The whole thing is unseemly. At some point, a lion strolls into the scene to glower at Meghan and Harry. It’s random AF. I don’t know what that was all about. Moving on. Blah, blah, blah, Queen. Yes, finally, Liz is in the house! Or the palace. Harry takes Meghan to Buckingham to meet granny. Exposition ensues. Sweet, black, baby Jesus, this movie is 2-1/2 hours. Let’s wrap it up and get to the roast chicken.

Prince Harry: Hi, Grandma. This is Meghan.

Meghan Markle: Hi.

Queen Elizabeth: Get it, girl!

Meghan Markle: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, Honey. I’m down with the swirl. Now, let’s start pumping out some mocha grandbabies.

And they all lived Happily Ever After. The End.

Empire’s back, baby! The second half of Season 3 debuted tonight. Our girl Cookie Lyon is in fine form! Let’s go!

Lucious: Check me out emerging from flames. Had to happen sooner or later. God has dragged me to hell. Just kidding! These are my fancy production values. This song is something about an inferno. Get used to it, you’re gonna hear it for the rest of the season.

The Viewing Audience: Well, as long as you never “Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,” again.

Cookie: Hey, fictional audience, Lucious’ mom Leah Walker is alive, here she is!

The On-screen Audience: Wait, what about the “Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom” video! She’s supposed to be dead. Didn’t she kill herself? That’s what we gathered from the 1,000 flashbacks! We’re so betrayed.

Leah: Yep, it’s me. The legendary Leslie Uggams aka Lucious’ presumed-dead mom. Lucious let me languish for years in an institution because he’s a dick. But in his defense, I’m batshit crazy. As you can see, I look fabulous. Welp, now that the secret is finally out, this is going to have a major impact on Lucious’ career. Ha ha! Scene over! We’re gonna keep the plot moving as if this never happened. Gotta bounce.

Lucious: Blah, blah, blah.

Cookie: That’s what you get for trying to mess up my boyfriend Angelo’s mayoral campaign by telling everyone he’s Teddy Kennedy. Bye.

Lucious: I’m so mad! This is war. Now walk away so that I can give you The Admiring Smile That Means Lucious Loves Cookie ()  My next single is called “Mixed Messages.”

Jamal’s drug addiction thing has landed him in rehab. It goes like this:

The Foreshadowing Fairy: Jamal met a famous singer here, she’s a druggie too. She will do something with Empire records. My work here is done, sign the release papers.

Andre meanwhile is still being a bad hombre, which is sexy. It goes like this:

Andre: Hi Shine.

Shine: Hi. So I guess now that I’ve got a position with Empire, I’m part of some plot enabling you to steal it from Lucious.

Andre: Stealing Empire is so last year. And the year before that. I’m gonna just go ahead and kill Lucious.

Shine: Why?

The Audience: Season 1, Season 2 and the first half of this season. Hulu it.

Shine: Say no more.

My dreams come true. Tiana and Shady AF Nessa () engage in a duel of the divas during a live duet. They do a hop, skip and jump past your basic hair-tugging catfight and really beat the  hell out of each other in front of the Fictional Audience. I hope this turns into an ongoing thing. #TeamNessa

Boardroom Time! It goes like this:

Lucious: Hey, everybody! I gotta take a moment to praise a special woman. She’s my muse. She’s a great mother. She has first-class destruction-of-property abilities. She is the new head of A&R! Say hello to Boo Boo Kitty!

Cookie: Hell to the no. I’m a better muse, I’m a better mother, I’m a better head of A&R and I’m much better at destruction of property. Remember how Boo Boo Kitty was smashing Ming vases and whatnot because she wanted to be head of A&R? Amateur hour. I can smash way more than her. I will now take a baseball bat, start smashing gold records and every single expensive breakable thing in this building.

The Insurance Company: Don’t look at me, this qualifies as an act of God. Bye.

Lucious:  I’m so mad! This is war. Now watch me give you The Admiring Smile That Means Lucious Loves Cookie ()  

Cookie: Destruction of property makes me so hot. Wanna do it on what’s left of this piano I just destroyed.

Lucious: Yes!

Cookie: Now that I think about it, this relationship isn’t healthy. Bye.

The Mixed Messages Fairy: Oh, you crazy kids.

Becky’s pissed too and she’s got something even better than a bat–Pepsi Emerge a social series with my girl Porsha!

The Season Preview Fairy: Nia Long is coming! Clair Huxtable is returning! The rest of this season is gonna be fabulous! Genuflect, bitches. Genuflect!

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET on Fox.

Yes, lawd! Empire returns tonight with the second half of its third season. Back in December, the midseason finale ended with a bang—and for once it didn’t involve Lucious shooting someone or him getting shot.

Still, Lucious tried to kill Angelo Dubois’ mayoral career—or at least leave a nasty scar. The Lyons’ eldest son, Andre, continued his descent into darkness and revealed a plan to kill Papa Lyon. Can you blame him? Can you? It’s a wonder the whole family doesn’t join in.

To read the whole story head on over to The Root.

Empire airs tonight at 9 p.m. ET on Fox

Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Welp, it’s not safe out here and the residents in this remote location took our warnings seriously, so there is not a soul on the street. This is good. “Stay inside, stay inside, stay inside,” that’s my motto. So everyone stayed inside. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Everyone is safely inside. That’s good, right? OMG, there are some kids at a window across the street! (Runs across the street. Attempts a B&E but the kids just open the door.)
Kids: Uh, who are you?
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Hi, I’m a news lady. It sure is cold out here, eh? So you must love being home from school.
Kids: Actually, we are home-schooled, so this is just like every other day. Except last week, for the Day without Women. Mom put on red pajamas and stayed in bed all day. She’s not politically active, she’s clinically depressed so that was like every other day, too.
Voice from inside the house: Close the damn, door. It’s freezing. I’m trying to sleep. What are you brats doing?
Kids: Talking to a stranger who just wandered in here. I guess it’s safe; she’s alone.
Voice from inside the house: Oh, okay. Stay inside, stay inside, stay inside.
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: I’m not really alone. Look behind me, see? There’s a man with a camera in the van.
Kids: Bye.
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Back to you.

Sadistic Anchors: Aww, no sledding shots? Sucks to be you. It’s kinda hot in here. Someone, please turn down the thermostat in the studio. Now let’s throw it to Mr. Commute Reporter
Mr. Commute Reporter: Every single bus, train and subway is out of service. Wait, the LIRR just announced it is operating on a regular schedule; expect to wait for hours and transfer at Jamaica. Metro-North is stopping service in five minutes. Oh, hi, Man on the Street. Why did you not stay inside, stay inside, stay inside?
Man on the street: Hi, I have a low-paying job and I work the night shift. Fortunately, I can go home and be with my family now. I’m in a rush, actually.
Mr. Commute Reporter: Of course, let’s just fit in a few minutes of trite commute banter.
Man on the street: Sigh, okay. Make it snappy.
Mr. Commut Reporter: The Metro-North is shutting down service in 4 minutes.
Man on the Street: What?!
My Commute Reporter: Sorry, too many people stayed inside, stayed inside, stayed inside. Since you did not heed the warning and went outside, you get to be part of the stranded commuter segment. See ya’ later. And back to you.
Warm and Cozy Anchors: There’s a lot of stranded commuters out there, huh? Oh, goodie. That’ll make a segment filled with tired, hangry and frustrated people. Now let’s take a commercial break.

Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: This is a good time to stay inside, stay inside, stay inside. Sleet is pelting my face. Ow! Oh, hi, Men on the Street. Let’s chat.
Man on the Street No. 1: They are doing a good job shoveling, but I wish they’d let up. I want to cross-country ski.
Audience: Let’s punch him in the face. Where is Lou Young?
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: Here is someone else. What are you doing?
Man on Street No. 2: I’m dutifully clearing my sidewalk, so nobody falls and tries to sue me. I hope I don’t have a heart attack. Man on the Street No. 1 has a snowblower. He could let me use it, but that would mess up his cross-country skiing. He’s a dick.
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: Word. Ouch! The sleet seems to be organizing. Back to you!
Starstruck Warm and Cozy Anchors: OMG, OMG, OMG! Guess who’s doing the next segment?
Lou Young: Hi, I’m at JohnnyCakes in Nyack. It’s an inviting and warm spot in which to dazzle flirty diners. Every single person in this diner is taking selfies because I am Lou f—ing Young. The women want me. The men want to be me. Let’s talk snow.
Flirty Customer: I like to talk about snow, please ask me questions.
Lou Young: I’ll be back, sweetie. I gotta step outside for a sec and let the people on the street have the treat of geeking out. (Makes a statement saying that sometimes he thinks this will be “the last time I’ll do this.”)
Me: What? No. I need you. New York needs you.
Lou Young: I was just joshing you. I’m going to enjoy a turkey panini now. Lou Young gets turkey paninis. I’m leaving Nyack soon, gotta keep on the move in case some stalkerish recapper tries to hunt me down. Back to you.
Lonnie Quinn: My sleeves are rolled up. I am a badass meteorologist. I punched a snowman once, just to watch it die.

1. The snow day coverage begins. No excitement yet on WCBS. Stay inside. Don’t have a heart attack shoveling. We are helpfully informed that there is a “crunchy” sound when you drive over icy snow. Don’t drive. (I’m waiting for the ruler.) Where is Lou Young? I am here for Lou Young.

2. Hi, my name is New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. I’m going to personally remove snow from every freakin’ sidewalk in the five boroughs. I’m up for re-election, my constituents will get the pitchforks and torches if their snow is not removed immediately. My street name is Bill tout de suite. To hear this plea for calm in Spanish, press 1. Sadly, my Spanish is passable, so you won’t get the laugh riot of El Bloombito. I also have no overly dramatic sign language interpreter.

2. The stick! First loser out in the middle the storm measuring snow with a ruler. Yessss.

3. Hello, my name is Governor Andrew Cuomo, I will kill you if you drive. I mean, not personally but I know people. Get inside–or else. Capisce? I gotta go to Long Island now on my magic carpet. I will not be on the roads.

4. Lou Young sighting! He’s in Armonk. Please come to NYC! Lou Young may not come to NYC, he notes that “I’m already done with it.” That either means: “Stop snowing in a lame manner, snow in a badass manner” or it means “I’m not in the mood today, I’m going to jam with my band.” Lou Young, we have some okayish snow in the Bronx. Please come by the College of Mount Saint Vincent neighborhood. I might just be walking my dog. I’ll be in  an animal print coat. Not that I’m an obsessed fan or anything.

5. Hello, I’m a pretty news lady. My hair is perfectly coiffed. I’m warm and cozy. Here is my concerned face. How’s it doing out there, non-Lou reporter, who is freezing to death? Brrrrrrr, stay warm, sucker!

6. Hello, man carefully driving on the road, why are you out here? You’re supposed to be inside.

Man carefully driving on the road: ¡Hola! Tengo un trabajo. I don’t get to play in the snow with a ruler like a news gringo. No más preguntas, por favor.  ¿A dónde es Lou Young?

7. Hello, I am a meteorologist in the “weather center.” It’s snowing! Snow! Windy snow! Wind! The weather center is me standing in front of a green screen. I’m vaguely gesturing at a pretend map. Unless it is Lonnie Quinn, of WCBS-TV who once played Will Cooney/Cortlandt on All My Children but blew that popsicle stand to do some badass meteorology. When 14-time Emmy recipient Lonnie Quinn rolls up his sleeves, shit is about to get real. Sleeves are down, everything’s cool. Sleeves are up, runaway fools. He probably has Lou Young’s phone number and gets to hang out with him.

8. Hello, I am reporting on transportation. The LIRR will help you commuters so you don’t have to be on the road. No for reals, the Long Island Rail Road will not screw you over like it does the other 364 days out of the year. Just wait there, the train’s coming. Maybe. Please change at Jamaica.

9. Hello, I am reporting from a desolate spot. Absolutely nothing is happening. OMG, I see a roadside diner! Hooray! Hello, roadside diner owner, you’re about to close the restaurant, I see.

Roadside Diner Owner: Yes, I’m about to lock the door. I suppose you think I’m letting you in for some coffee and a cutesy remote. I am not. I am literally locking the door in your face. You can not report from inside my diner. The restroom is for customers only. And Lou Young.

Reporter: You happen to have a black and white cookie in there? Maybe gyro? Day-old danish? Jamaican beef patty? Come back!!! He’s gone. FML. Lou Young isn’t even on this network!

10. Hi there, I have a cool vehicle:  it’s a storm chaser. It’s like the storm chaser in Twister. Not the hooptie one Bill Paxton had to drive. This is like the sleek one that Cary Elwes got to drive. Let’s talk to some busy snow workers.

Busy snow workers: ¡Hola! Sí, we are busy. Hey, didn’t one of you gringos stop me five minutes ago? Uh, is this ICE? I just want to do my job. I am not a bad hombre.

11. Hello, we are in a comfy studio. This storm is winding down. That’s not good, we need drama. Let’s go check with a reporter tied to the train tracks. Don’t worry, it’s the LIRR tracks, that train is not arriving soon. This storm sucks. It doesn’t even have a name. Good storms have names. FFS, people on the Upper East Side are walking around on clear streets. Why does God hate us? Let’s pretend the storm has a name. We will call it Carla. Is that sexist? How about Pat? That’s unisex. Cue the scary music: Pat 2017. Dum, dum, dummmmmm. We think a lost skier turned to cannibalism in Central Park. Oh, no! There is an avalanche at a small park in the Financial District! Bowling Green has been destroyed!

12. Hi, I am doing an outdoor report in Ridgewood, NJ. Some survivors are huddled in this bagel shop. Haha, no. My bosses like me. I got the good gig. Hi “survivors” what’s going on?”

Survivors: Hmpjfsi, harlmfp.

Reporter: What?

Survivors: Sorry, just sitting here enjoying a bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll like we do every day.

Reporter: Oh, um. How’s business, bagel shop owner? It must be slow today, huh? Like you’re in a ghost town.

Bagel shop owner: Nope, we’re fine. You’re holding up the line.

Reporter: Oh, wow! Well, stay safe. Can I get a bialy with a schmear?

Bagel shop owner: Sure that will be $7.50. Freebies are for Lou Young. Hey, is it true what they said about Bowling Green park?

13. Transit reporter: The LIRR is running with delays. That sound you hear is Long Island feigning shock.

14. Hello, I am a serious reporter, unlike those cupcakes, I have serious news. There are massive power outages out here on Long Island. Damnit, who is this blasé millennial in the background? She is undermining me.

Blasé millennial in the background: Oh, hi! I’m just out for a walk. Snow is pretty. I enjoy the special snowflakes.

Serious reporter: What about the mass power outages?

Blasé millennial in the background:  I pay $5,000 a month for a 10×10 apartment. I have a roommate, but we can’t always make the ConEd bill, so \_(ツ)_/¯

1. Season 3 of The Wire:  If you’re intellectual and crave thought-provoking, realistic and character-driven TV, you’ve likely already seen The Wire. This is not the show for rank-amateur viewers; the series requires an attention span. There are no flashbacks (except for one at the end of Season 1 which I believe HBO forced on David Simon.) There is no manipulative soundtrack to guide your feelings. Season 3 draws a picture of breathtakingly corrupt Baltimore politics. It won’t necessarily make you feel good, but it will confirm everything you were thinking and grants a license to rant: “I told you! Isn’t this what I’ve been saying? Sheeple! Brexit! I unfriended another asshole on Facebook today. OMG, Idris Elba is soooooo hot. I don’t care if you’re a bad guy, Stringer Bell.”
2. House of Cards US: Watching Frank and Claire Underwood manipulate their way into power is compelling. It’s a show for cerebral viewers who are fond of acerbic wit and dark humor. The protagonists lie, cheat and kill. Literally. They will kill for the power. They are well-read, savvy, and detail-oriented. God, I love ‘em. “Incidentally”, Netflix happened to drop the Season 5 release date on Inauguration Day. I see you, Netflix.
3. House of Cards UK: The original version set in the UK is clever and brims with caustic humor. The storylines are aligned with the US version but in a foreign and prehistoric setting. No Tweets or Buzzfeed. The mobile phones are big enough to be bandied about as weapons. Selfies aren’t a thing yet. (You’d have hated it, Zoe Barnes.) Good for Anglophiles, bad for viewers who don’t want spoilers. If for no other reason, you’ll get to add a shady undertone to gossip. Yes, Frank Underwood also says it. But crisp British accent adds a lovely level of malice.
4. Orange is the New Black episodes “WAC Pack” and “Blood Donut”: Unexpected choice, we know, but the two episodes focus on an election for the women’s advisory council. The campaigning is amusing. 
5. The Man in the High Castle: The Amazon original series imagines a bloodcurdling“what if” scenario in which the Nazis won the war. True confession, I only watched a few episodes when the series debuted, but based on what the TVRD advisory committee says, (By which I mean my friend Naomi.) I’ll tune in when I want to be a masochist and muse on a dystopian America.

Do you have preferred viewing choices for when you think everything is going to hell in a handbasket? We adore your cynical comments, so please leave one. Comments don’t appear immediately, but we’ll get to them after applying for Canadian citizenship.

Sadly, the aforementioned Ichabbie ship was torpedoed in the Season 3 finale. Fans were deprived of the magical chemistry that the Tom Mison and Nicole Beharie pairing brought to what was once a quirky show. That show, Sleepy Hollow, was packed with more pop-culture significance than the TPTB realized.

I’ve parsed the statements issued in the immediate aftermath. They struck me as coy at the time. So many references to the death of Abbie Mills, but no clear-cut reference to Beharie

I pondered Abbie’s refrain: “There is always a way.” I stubbornly clung to the hope that the writers took #AbbieMillsDeservesBetter to heart and having written themselves into a corner, had a big surprise coming: Beharie will now be playing…. I stubbornly clung to the notion that the electoral college would fix things.

So with that in mind, I’ll address “Columbia” on the show that was formerly known as Sleepy Hollow with what are probably my final stream-of-consciousness ramblings on the series. Let’s go!

Mrs. TV Recaps: I’m mad, I’m just so mad. I’m going to watch this show in silence. I’m giving it the silent treatment.

Mr. TV Recaps: ‘k.

Mrs. TV Recaps: No, you think I can’t do it, but I can.

Mr. TV Recaps: As long as you don’t give me the silent treatment.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Do commercials count?

Mr. TV Recaps:  No.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Good. Do gestures count? I’m going to give this show the finger.

Mr. TV Recaps: I don’t know if that’s the most ergonomically correct position.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Fair enough. Did you just hear that?

Mr. TV Recaps: Hear what?

Mrs. TV Recaps: The announcer said:  “Stay tuned for Sleepy Hollow with Tom Mison.”

Mr. TV Recaps: ‘k.

Mrs. TV Recaps: And I wanted to hear “and Nicole Beharie.” They are just so good together. Even their Comic-con pictures were adorable. I hate this. I’m still talking.

Mr. TV Recaps: It’s okay.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Now begins the silence.

3 seconds later

In the “previously.” Abbie says:  “Crane never lose hope.” That could be a sign, right? You know on Angel, they killed a character and immediately brought her back as a different character.  This is what they could do (very lengthy idea). They would still have to deal with the mystical negro foolishness of the finale. I don’t know if they’d win back trust. They would have to give everyone a puppy. The only way is with puppies. Unless they’re allergic.

Mr. TV Recaps: (Eyes dart furiously around. as he looks for an exit.)

Mrs. TV Recaps: Okay, I’m watching. I’m silent now.

Mr. TV Recaps ‘k.

Mrs. TV Recaps:  So Ichabod said something about two weeks having passed. Is this two weeks after Abbie’s death? He should look damn-near suicidal.

Mr. TV Recaps: I know.

Mrs. TV Recaps: I swear to God, they better not play “Sympathy for the Devil.”

Mr. TV Recaps: Hon, they are going to play it. You know they are.

Mrs. TV Recaps: They better not.

Mr. TV Recaps: I hope not.

Mrs. TV Recaps: This intro, he is in a road with the line down the middle. Like is that supposed to warm the cockles of our hearts. My f-ckng cockles are NOT warm. This is some bullsh-t, right here. I mean if Nicole just wanted to leave, I get it. I totally get it, but that exit. But this … I’m talking. I’m silent again.

Mr. TV Recaps: It’s okay.

Mrs. TV Recaps: They better not play the song. I miss my Sleepy Sisters the most. We’d be watching together. I’m alone. I’m watching this alone.

Mr. TV Recaps: (Doesn’t point out that he’s in the room.)

Mrs. TV Recaps: New characters being funny. Ha-ha. She is not Abbie. I’m going to call her Non Abbie or Nabbie. Like I did with Crextra. Remember that? This whole show is Crextra. I miss Crextra.

Mr. TV Recaps: I know.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Nabbie said she doesn’t “like change.” Is that supposed to be a message? Is she trying to play audience surrogate?

Mr. TV Recaps: I don’t know.

Mrs. TV Recaps: She’s not coming back, is she?

Mr. TV Recaps: No.

Mrs. TV Recaps: I don’t mean Abbie, I mean Nicole. Wait, Lincoln’s head is missing. Is the Lincoln Memorial supposed to be some homage to the Horseman? It’s headless.

Mr. TV Recaps: I caught that.

Mrs. TV Recaps:  Okay, this Nabbie person showed up in her Nabbie pantsuit and Ichabod told her to shoot the monster. Like Abbie always did. Did you see that?

Mr. TV Recaps: Yes. I caught that. And they changed “Sympathy for the Devil” to “Superstition” but it was a weak cover.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Who was singing?

Mr. TV Recaps: I don’t know. I’m not going to get into it, but it wasn’t a good cover. I know they can’t afford Stevie but sheesh.

Mrs. TV Recaps: “My  name is “Ichabod Crane.” That used to be so cute, Wait, Nabbie’s partner just got killed in front of her and we have an Asian guy telling her not to talk about it because it could kill her career. Is he supposed to be  Andy Brooks. The other guy was Sheriff Corbin and this is Andy Brooks? Hey, why not steal french fries at a diner, Nabbie? This is insulting. Honest to God, why am I putting myself through this?

Nabbie: Blah, blah, blah. Let me say some things that are familiar to the original fans.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Hey, wouldn’t be funny if Abbie was Katrina?

Mr. TV Recaps: What?!?

Mrs. TV Recaps: I don’t mean Katrina Katrina. I mean if Ichabod had to spend all of his time looking for Nicole’s character.

Mr. TVRD: They’ve harkened back to so much stuff, they should do that. But they better do it quick.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Except Abbie would speak above a whisper.

Mr. TV Recaps: Hmmm.

Ichabod: I want to confront the people who killed your partner.

Mrs. TV Recaps:  I want to find the people who killed your partner. I like this villain, he’s cool. Oh, for crying out loud!

Mr. TV Recaps: What?

Mrs. TV Recaps: The phone thing. Crane’s on the phone leaving messages for “Miss Jenny.” Did you see that?!The Ichabodisms just break my heart. Wait, did you just hear that?! He said: “I, too, have left the confines of Sleepy Hollow …  and yet again, my eyes are open to a plain fact. I’m out of my element. But I remain hopeful. I have found new allies and though it is early…I have a good feeling. They may need to work on their trust issues.” I can parse the hell out of that sentence.  You know why I hate this show?

Mr. TV Recaps: Why?

Mrs. TV Recaps: Because it’s giving me hope. But maybe it’s false hope.

Some guy to Ichabod:  Sleepy Hollow, right. Big fan.

Mrs. Recaps: So was I.

Mr. TV Recap:  It’s over. The episode is over and you got through it.

Mrs. TV Recap: I don’t know if I can do it. Continue to watch. I’m Katrina, I’m in limbo.

Mr. TV Recaps:  We built this site around the show, it was the first show you recapped.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Maybe I’ll try to choke down the next couple of episodes. Maybe I’ll just wait until the season is over and binge. Maybe I’ll rewatch other seasons and recap them again with hindsight for my own amusement. That would be kind of funny, right? We can be a wiki.

Mr. TV Recaps: You know what?

Mrs. TV Recaps: What?

Mr. TV Recaps: Maybe you should just write all that. Just say what you think about your future with this show.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Okay.

The show formerly known as Sleepy  Hollow airs Fridays at 9/8c on Fox.

We love your clever and insightful thoughts. We don’t get to them right away, but we promise to get to them after Mrs. TV Recaps gets a firm grip on reality.