Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance
Life’s big events reunite friends and family, especially a happy event like a wedding. Welp, our bestie Meg is getting married next week so TVRD is back from hiatus, baby. We’re super psyched about the royal wedding because of our personal ties to the bride and groom. Elaine has watched Suits and visited Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace so that counts, right?
Anyway, Lifetime will surely handle this in a purely factual and artistic manner. Oh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a glorious shitshow in a fascinator. Have yourself a glass of Tignanello with a side of shame and let’s go!
The Prince Harry Origin Story Fairy: Ello, Guv’Nor. Let’s have a cuppa while I reduce Harry’s complex life down to three episodes. His mum died, he wore a Nazi outfit and got nekkid in Vegas. Welp, peace out. No reason to fill in the blanks when the writers are making this up anyway.
The Meghan Markle Origin Story Fairy: Heeeeeey, girl! She’s half black. The writers think that means she’s half sassy. Okay, you go girl. And um, don’t get it twisted.
First date time!
Prince Harry: Hi, I’m a prince. And according to the iffy narrative going on in this movie, a douche. I thought you might be ugly so my manservant is going to interrupt in a while so I can get out of this situation. Too bad I don’t have opposable thumbs, if I did, I’d know to Google you.
Meghan Markle: Hi, I’m Wallis Simpson. I’ll probably be snapping and neck rolling before the next commercial. And, so help me Jesus, if that commercial is sexist, Imma cut a bitch up in here.
Prince Harry: Invictus games.
Meghan Markle: Suits.
Prince Harry: I love you.
Meghan Markle: I love you too.
Prince Harry: Let’s go to Botswana.
Meghan Markle: Okay.
Prince Harry: Here we are in Botswana. I’m now going to freak you out with this big snake.
Meghan Markle: Say, what now?
Prince Harry: My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.
Meghan Markle: What?
Prince Harry: It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa.
Meghan Markle: Okay.
Prince Harry: Now that we’re in love I have to go home and make everyone lose their shit.
Back at Buckingham Kensington Clarence House Palace
Prince Harry: Hi, Kate. Hi, Uncle Prince Andrew.
Prince William: I’m not Uncle Andrew, Harry.
Prince Harry: Sorry! Hi, Uncle Prince Edward.
Prince William: I’m your brother, Harry.
Prince Harry: Oh, sorry. Aren’t we supposed to be three years apart? Why are you 50?
Prince William: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Prince Harry: So, what do you think of my girlfriend?
Kate Middleton: Oh, my God, Becky. Look at her butt.
Prince Harry: Right? I’ll bring her around for our next combo tea party/polo match.
One week later (Maybe)
Meghan Markle: Hi.
The Royals: Hi. We need a composite character for the audience to hate. Here’s Bella.
Meghan Markle: Okay. Hi, Bella.
Bella: Hi. I’m really bitchy but I also don’t actually exist.
Meghan Markle: I’ve heard enough.
Prince Harry: Hey, girl. Why are you outside by yourself? Didn’t you have fun talking to that composite character?
Meghan Markle: Nope.
Prince Harry: Was she racist? Was she an online troll?
Meghan Markle: Forget it.
Prince Harry: No! I will not. She’s a troll. Trollllllllllll!
Meghan Markle: I’m going home.
Racists gotta racist. Trolls gotta troll. In one of the few factual elements, Prince Harry is having none of it. Once the press starts throwing shade, he releases that statement. The one that launched a thousand swoons. But Meghan Markle is not swooning. She mad. She so mad. In a made-up scenario, Meghan Markle is at home with her mom, Doria Ragland, when she hears about the statement on the news. It goes like this.
Meghan Markle: How dare Prince Harry make this grand romantic gesture? I’m a grown-ass woman. I’m no damsel. Blah, blah.
Prince Harry: Knock, knock.
Meghan Markle: Go away!
Prince Harry: What?
Meghan Markle: Bye.
Doria Ragland: What the hell, Meghan Markle? That was dreamy AF.
Meghan Markle: What’s that sound?
Doria Ragland: Harry is outside with a boombox playing “In your Eyes.” Please go get that boy.
Meghan Markle: Okay, I’ll wait until he gets to the airport.
At the airport, Prince Harry and his boombox get on the plane and Meghan Markle decides she’s going to make her anguished declaration of love right before liftoff.
Meghan Markle: Hi, TSA Lady. Mind if I run out on the tarmac all crazy?
TSA Lady: Where did you come from? Do you have a boarding pass?
Meghan Markle: Never mind, just give me a microphone. Is this thing on? Testing, testing. And I… will always love you. I… will always love you. Ooh.
Prince Harry: Jolly good.
Back in London, it’s time for Pippa Middleton’s wedding. In real life, though Meg wasn’t at the ceremony, she attended the reception, but screw reality. In this version, Meg was sort of snubbed which probably delights old legendary racist Princess Michael of Kent. Though the timeline is different, that hag did show up at a holiday event with a Blackmoor brooch. Next week, Princess Michael will have to curtsy to HRH Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex.
Unfortunately, the movie decides to mine Princess Diana’s death for tension and Prince Harry starts blurting out lines about his mother’s flaws. The whole thing is unseemly. At some point, a lion strolls into the scene to glower at Meghan and Harry. It’s random AF. I don’t know what that was all about. Moving on. Blah, blah, blah, Queen. Yes, finally, Liz is in the house! Or the palace. Harry takes Meghan to Buckingham to meet granny. Exposition ensues. Sweet, black, baby Jesus, this movie is 2-1/2 hours. Let’s wrap it up and get to the roast chicken.
Prince Harry: Hi, Grandma. This is Meghan.
Meghan Markle: Hi.
Queen Elizabeth: Get it, girl!
Meghan Markle: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, Honey. I’m down with the swirl. Now, let’s start pumping out some mocha grandbabies.
And they all lived Happily Ever After. The End.