The Royals: “Unmask Her Beauty to the Moon” — April 12, 2015
It’s the night of the Royal Masquerade Ball!
Princess Eleanor is so kind to pay any attention to Coffee Girl. I guess she finds Coffee Girl exotic since Ophelia spends all of her time enjoying caffeinated beverages, whereas almost everyone else in Eleanor’s life is a backstabber or a bodyguard who kind of blackmails you into having sex, which is totally consensual. In any case, Eleanor makes sure her pet project has a gown for the ball. Coffee Girl picks out some fluffy, puffy, white gown. It’s fit for a princess, a Disney princess, not a total badass like Eleanor. It’s ridiculous and makes Coffee Girl look drunk. Maybe Eleanor isn’t her friend, after all?
At the ball, Liam sits with Gemma but spends a lot of time watching Ophelia and her absurd prom dress dance with Nick. It goes like this:
Ophelia: Hey there, whatever your name is. Thanks for being my cheap ploy to make Prince Liam jealous.
Nick: I get it, he’s a prince. A bland wishy-washy prince, but I’d do him. I guess he’s supposed to appeal to the teenagers who really shouldn’t be watching this show because it’s going to damage them when they’re old enough to date.
Ophelia: Great! Let’s waste the audience’s time by making it seem like you’re an option.
Liam: Hi Ophelia!
Ophelia: I want to have your baby. Buh-bye, Nick.
Liam: Let’s go to Monaco. I will do anything to get you out of that dress, it’s too fugly for words. The costume department hates you.
Me: Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Wake me up when we get to Eleanor. Why isn’t anybody wearing their mask? Why isn’t anybody dressed like they’re going to the same event?
Thank God it’s Eleanor time. She pushes Jasper up against a wall for some “blackmail” sex, but he remembers that he’s the alleged blackmailer. It goes like this:
Eleanor: I’m going to send mixed messages and pretend I’m submitting to blackmail sex, okay?
Jasper: Cool, I’m going to get weird about it.
Eleanor: Cool. I want you.
Jasper: That’s not how this works, you’re supposed to put up a fight. It’s no fun if you let on that you really want to do it. Oh, I just pretended there was a sex video, but now I’ll say some aggressive things and be kind of creepy and insist that we still have to play this game.
Eleanor: Okay, I’ll look upset. Happy now?
Cyrus is busy protecting the monarchy by calling a back-room meeting where the members of the House of Lords are being bribed with scantily clad “servers.” That one maid who he forced to handle the royal scepter a couple of episodes back is there and he orders her to meet him later. The last time we saw her she was holding a pistol (not that kind, pervs), so Cyrus better watch out. She doesn’t appear armed tonight, but she does slip something in his drink. Cyrus is too smart to fall for her trick — he’s got security cameras, so too bad, Maid. He wants her to spy on the King and she pouts about it, but you know she’s going to do it anyway. She should just quit and get a job as a Starbucks barista so she can hang out with Coffee Girl. Wait, being bossed around and sexually harassed by Cyrus is better, never mind.
As if Queen Liz Hurley couldn’t be more awesome, we find out that she employs a body-double so she can sneak off with her lover without the press catching her in the act. She’s a sly one. Can you imagine how fabulous it would be to serve as a Queen Liz Hurley double? Getting duplicates of all of her slinky dresses would be payment enough. On the night of the ball, the Queen goes for subtlety and makes her grand entrance on a sedan chair. She’s less conspicuous about meeting up with hunky Alistair. The King is presumably off somewhere boring someone with talk about abolishing the monarchy, which is why they only let him utter one sentence an episode. When is Cyrus going to kill him? Alistair and the Queen have a sweet relationship, she’s not in Dragon Lady mode with him. They go to a cozy hideaway on the grounds. I hope they have one of those at the real Buckingham Palace, but not for the Queen; Kate could use it not that I’m suggesting anything…. Queen regrets that she got stuck with the King because he’s basically an extra and gets less screen time than the purple bong we always see. Alistair tells the Queen that if it comes to a vote, he’s in favor of abolishing the monarchy, so he can be with her all the time. Awwwwww! In another time and place, she’d totally fall through a portal for him.
Jasper, the world’s most ineffectual blackmailer, “forces” Eleanor to wait for him in her bedroom. When he arrives, she has a surprise for him — a body double. Ha! Better luck next time, Sucker.