The Royals: “Stand and Unfold Yourself” — March 15, 2015
The Royals, E!’s, first original scripted series, debuted last night. It’s a sexy version of the British monarchy. Let’s face it, aside from the entertaining Prince Harry, the actual royal family is dusty. The Royals presents the kind of ideal world we’d live in with Harry running the show. Okay, let’s go!
The show kicks things off with a blue-lit night club, rapidly shifting camera angles, throbbing music and the requisite shot of coke. This is hedonistic, ya’ll! Princess Eleanor draws attention to herself by dancing on a table. Her antics infuriates her mother, Queen Helena, because of headlines about the “Royal Beaver.” Note that the series enjoys references to vaginas and doesn’t stop at beaver. Later on. we’ll also get to hear the Queen say the word “snatch.” Hello, Emmys! Her daughter’s lack of panties gets the Queen’s knickers in a twist, but mood swing ensues: Prince Robert is dead, so we table the beaver for a while. I keep thinking Eleanor is Kristen Stewart.
There is an overhead shot of dramatic running when Prince Liam learns his brother died. It saddens me that the run isn’t in slow-motion. If I were in charge, Liam would fall to his knees and rail his fists in a “Why God? Why?” maneuver. Liam is the heartthrob. My heart remains at a steady beat, but I imagine that there’s a lot of palpitation going on somewhere. He is polite and likes to gaze into the distance with a thoughtful expression. Ophelia is an American girl. At first, I thought she had a slippy accent, but she is indeed American and prefers coffee to TV because … USA. She’s the daughter of an employee. Liam makes googly eyes at the commoner, it seems a little fast. I guess they are the Pam and Bobby Ewing of a new generation. The poor kids are in for a lot of trials and heartache.
There’s a King. He’s King Liz Hurley’s Husband. He says earnest things. He wishes Queen Liz Hurley’s expression of grief wasn’t just moderately smudged makeup. She should pull a Lauren Conrad sob like Eleanor. The most interesting things about King Liz Hurley’s Husband are that he somehow nabbed a woman way out of his league and also that he wants to abolish the monarchy because the show needs a plot point.
There is a dark and handsome uncle. He’s the rogue and will likely attempt to stage a coup. I like him. He has two daughters, they are pale redheads and wear fascinators. They are meant to be comic relief. I will refer to them again when they make me laugh. That will never happen, so don’t get attached.
Here’s what you need to pay attention to:
- Queen Liz Hurley, who channels Victoria Grayson, makes villainess face and is a royal MILF. She’ll act as Lady Macbeth with a lesser script.
- Princess Eleanor wears a lot of black, uses a bong, guzzles wine from the bottle and occasionally says something poignant because … character-development. To hide her pain, she smokes in bed and engages in threesomes. Sometimes guys drug her drink, which leads to “sordid, depraved, self-loathing” sex that get captured on a camera phone. The Foreshadowing Fairy breaks the fourth wall. A soundtrack helps the scene along with subtle lyrics such as “take my body.”
- Prince Liam and Ophelia warm your hearts with their sweet romance, unless you despise heartwarming, sweet romance. They bridge the gap between culture and class in a whimsical manner. The engage in some more banter about coffee. He has never heard of it and is befuddled by terms like chai latte, despite the fact that London is littered with Starbucks. Heartthrobs just need to be cute.
- The Queen hates the fact that the future king is making googly eyes at an American nobody. Ophelia is aware that her life is about to become complicated, and presciently observes, “This is going to suck.”
Needless to say, I’m all in.