Captain Randall is obsessed with Jamie, he’s whipped him so badly that Jamie’s back is covered with a patchwork of scars. The sadistic redcoat found Jamie and gave him a choice, he could either allow BJR to harm Claire or he could offer to let Black Jack finally live out his fantasy of breaking Jamie. Because Jamie is perfect, you know what choice he made.

Caution: This is going to be a disturbing recap, you might want to stop reading here.

Are you still with me? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Let’s go!

Poor Jamie. Remember all those times when we couldn’t wait for him to get naked and engage in all manner of fantasy-fuel sex with Claire? Remember our delight? That’s the inverse of the anguish we experience tonight when we see Jamie naked, chained and with a blank stare. It gets worse when we realize that Black Jack is next to him. As you know, actor Tobias Menzies, does not shy away from full frontal. We’re used to Black Jack’s redcoat uniform and ponytail, the sight of him naked and casually strutting around his cell/sex dungeon/chamber of horrors is chilling. For some reason, his loose, long hair makes the whole thing even more sickening. I guess it’s because he’s off duty. This is just BJR kicking back, popping open a cold one and enjoying some time as evil incarnate. Jamie appears to be catatonic.

Remember last week when Jamie’s godfather, Murtagh Fraser, came up with some iffy plan of rescuing Jamie with cows?  It works. Cattle storm Wentworth Prison and trample Black Jack (to death?). It’s a brief scene, that’s good. The phrase “cow caper” would be more amusing in an episode that doesn’t suck the joy out of you like a Dementor.

In any case, the Team MacKenzie rescue is executed by Murtagh, Rupert MacKenzie, and Angus Mhor. Mild-mannered Willie is in this episode, I don’t remember what he’s doing, I won’t rewind for obvious reasons, so let’s keep it moving. The important thing is that they bring Jamie back to Claire. There’s a lot of symbolism in this episode. Claire is wearing trousers. It fits with Outlander’s remarkable penchant for gender role-reversal, but there’s no time for philosophy. It goes like this:

The Audience: Oh, thank God! Jamie’s been rescued, we won’t have to endure an extended rape scene.

The Show: Don’t think this is over. The pain has only just begun. Notice how Jamie hallucinates and sees Black Jack when he’s looking at Claire. Expect flashbacks. Expect what can arguably be considered the darkest hour ever to ever be aired on a fictional television show. Some pontificating know-it-all will come up with an article about some other show and say that was worse. That person is an insufferable jackass, dismiss their words.

Jamie is taken to a monastery, Claire asks what Randall did to Jamie. Readers, don’t you think it’s too early to make him talk about it? He answers “too much and not enough.” Is that ominous enough for you? There’s more. It goes like this:

Me: I will not detail these torture scenes. You readers only need these six words: “Black Jack is a sick fuck.”

If you want a little more information, let’s put it this way: Black Jack has read a lot of slash fic and is playing dual roles in a hurt/comfort scenario. At one point, Jamie is in the Pietà position while Black Jack revives and soothes him with lavender. Black Jack is determined to break Jamie and keeps up the mind games. By the end, Jamie’s not sure if he’s with Black Jack or Claire and is so near the point of no return that he uses a branding iron to sear Black Jack’s initials onto his chest. Just to make things clear, poor Jamie actually brands himself.

At the monastery, Claire copes by going into nurse mode. She tends to the hand that Black Jack drove a nail through (again with the symbolism). Jamie’s at risk of infection, which would require amputation. In order to keep it together, Claire focuses all of her attention on performing rudimentary surgery. His ring finger may be permanently damaged. That’s probably symbolic, too. This episode is all about Joseph Campbell and The Power of Myth.

Claire talks to Father Anselm, an older, gray-haired man with an avuncular vibe. She blames herself for everything and believes that she’s guilty of hurting two husbands. Claire, who has only shared her time-travel story with Jamie, tells everything to the monk. Surprisingly, he has a positive reaction and sees it as a miracle. Not in some nutty, “Look, I see the face of Jesus in this waffle, let’s call the press,” kind of way. He just has an open mind.

Murtagh visits Jame and it sounds like a stern talking to about how Jamie must overcome his anguish, but I don’t know because it’s all in Gaelic. Claire finds out that Jamie asked Willie to kill him and Murtagh kept it from her. Murtagh basically says that if it comes to it, he’ll not let Jamie waste away and die like an animal in a trap. Claire collapses and Murtagh takes care of her.

The monk tells Claire that Jamie’s body is healing, but his soul may stay immersed in darkness unless someone pulls him out. Claire has her own brand of therapy. She smelled the lavender and finds some in a field. Knowing that Jamie will associate the scent with Black Jack, she  goes to Jamie and sort of pretends to be Black Jack, I guess. This prompts Jamie to fly into a violent rage, he tries to attack “Black Jack,” but finally figures out it’s Claire and doesn’t actually hurt her. I guess the point is to replace apathy with anger.

Jamie finally opens up, he shows her the brand and says that he and Black Jack ended up making love and he couldn’t help himself. Obviously, that’s not the way it was. There was no lovemaking, there was just rape, It’s PTSD;  Jamie is wracked with guilt and considers himself damaged goods, no longer fit to be Claire’s husband or worthy of her love. Oh, Jamie. Claire will never stop loving you. No woman will ever stop loving you. The Outmanders will never stop loving you or at least wanting to be your bro IRL. Claire basically tells him that she’ll die without their love.

We finally get the scene we need in order to unfurl from the fetal position. Jamie gathers Team MacKenzie and orders them to “Cut him out of me and get on with it.” That means using a knife to slice the brand off Jamie’s chest and toss it in the fire, it’s symbolic.The show finally shows some mercy and rewards us for enduring this torment. It goes like this:

Outlander: We know you’re tense from all of that eerie discordant music you heard earlier in the episode, so here’s a jaunty tune. It’s a clue that you can relax. Oh, look, everyone is by the seashore. Obviously, it’s no longer safe for the Frasers in Scotland, so they are sailing to France. Want some comic relief? Okay, watch Angus ask to kiss Claire farewell and then attempt to make out with her. Oh, 1743.

We get a happy ending, it goes like this:

Outlander: Look, everyone, this is an eye-catching scene. They are literally sailing into the sunset aboard the Cristabel. Well, it’s early for the sunset, but it’s a lovely optimistic scene. Claire thinks maybe she and Jamie can make miracles by preventing the failed uprising against the Brits, which will save Scotish lives.

Jamie: Hey, ladies — and some of you gents — I’m cleaned up and handsoming all over the place for you again. You can resume your swooning.

Claire: Remember the time I cried about being barren and unable to give you children and you gave me some kind of “Hey Girl” response because you are perfect? 

Jamie: Where are you going with this?

Claire: As it turns out, fantasy-fuel sex with you has changed all that, we’re having a baby!

Jamie: Hey Girl.

See you next season!

We love your comments, they don’t appear immediately, but we’ll get to them. BTW, please don’t unintentionally share any book spoilers. Thank you.

Hey Outlander fans, we have to wait until May 30 to see the season finale and find out what happens to our beloved Jamie, in the meantime here’s some things you can do to feed the obsession.

Go: If you’re on the West Coast, visit the Outlander Costume Exhibit. Claire’s wedding dress is among the costumes on display. The exhibit begins today and continues through May 31. It is free and open to the public.

The Grove is located at 189 The Grove Drive in Los Angeles Visit the outdoor mall’s website for more information.

Buy:  These lovely dragonfly and amber earrings created by KLFStudio artist Katie Friend. The handmade earrings, which cost $25, are available at her Etsy shop. You can also follow, the artist on Twitter @KLFSudio

Watch: This TV Guide video on how Outlander makes its tartan.

Be sure to check out our Outlander features and quizzes.

In 1945, Claire and Frank Randall were tooling around Inverness on their second honeymoon. Frank, a history buff, was researching his genealogy, so Claire learned a bit about his 18th-century ancestor, Captain Jonathan Wolverton “Black Jack” Randall The couple snooped on a pagan ceremony at the ancient stone circle Cragh na Dun. It turns out that Cragh na Dun is a time suck because Claire was sucked back in time to 1743.

The first person the accidental time traveler encountered was her husband’s doppelganger, Black Jack. He welcomed her to the 18th-century with a rape attempt. Claire was rescued by a band of Scottish rebels from the MacKenzie clan and met Jamie Fraser. Jamie is nearly perfect. He married Claire to protect her from the redcoats — especially Black Jack — who shares a history with Jamie. Fraser’s back is covered with a patchwork of deep scars because Randall flogged him twice as punishment for false charges. Jamie was recently recaptured by the redcoats.

Jamie will do anything — and we mean anything — to protect Claire. Mrs. Fraser is no damsel in distress, she’ll do anything — and we mean anything — to be with husband. (When he gave her a chance to return to 1945, Claire wouldn’t go because Jamie is nearly perfect.) With the help of Murtagh Fraser, Jamie’s BAMF godfather, Claire rounded up members of the MacKenzie clan to bust her husband out of notorious Wentworth Prison. This is not going to be a fun read. In fact, you really might want to stop reading here and go check out our recap archives and quizzes. If you are a glutton for punishment, grab an adult beverage because you’re going to need it.

Are you still reading? You’ve been warned, let’s go!

Last week, was the first episode where didn’t get to watch Jamie handsome all over the place and perform swoon-worthy acts of heroism. Fortunately, that is rectified in this episode. Our collective hearts skip a beat when we see him again. Unfortunately, Jamie is waiting in line at the gallows. As it’s proven time and time again, the year 1743 is an asshole. Jamie’s fellow condemned man, Taran MacQuarrie, makes glib comments to lighten the mood. Jamie, however, is only worried that being hanged will get him in trouble with Claire. Even facing the end, Jamie is nearly perfect. I don’t believe in absolutes, but the hell with it, Jamie isn’t nearly perfect, he is perfect.

When it’s his turn to die, MacQuarrie goes out like a man, declaring that instead of thievery, he wishes that he’d given his life to fighting the Brits. The hasty executioner gives him the hook while he’s still talking, and we see MacQuarrrie seemingly perform a horrific dance, which is supposedly what happens when one is hanged. No time for Google, we all have to get through this quickly.

Even bedraggled and facing the noose, Jamie is dreamy. Not to get off-topic, but how does he manage to handsome all over the place no matter what’s happening? At the last possible moment, Jamie is saved, someone orders the execution stopped, yay! This is good, right? No, it’s not good, it’s Black Jack Randall. Four words come to mind: “Fate worse than death.” Jamie is taken to prison. You better take a  drink now.

In the meantime, Claire plays it cool as she questions a warden about Jamie, claiming it’s a “family connection” and she barely knows the prisoner, she’s just doing her Christian duty and all that. Claire is so clever. The warden, Sir Fletcher, informs her that Jamie’s been given a brief reprieve. She asks to see him as an act of courtesy. Sir Fletcher politely denies her request but gives her Jamie’s effects to take to the family. After the meeting, she collapses in tears and Murtagh carries her in his arms. Oh, Murtagh. I love you so much. How did I not see this before last week?

Despite the severity of the situation, Angus Mhor and Rupert MacKenzie are behaving like trifling drunkards at a tavern. Fooled you! It’s really a clever ploy to gather intel. They find out Sir Fletcher’s schedule, which means Claire can slip into his office and find what she needs to rescue Jamie. She does just that and swipes keys to the prison.

Back at Wentworth, Black Jack Randall creeps up to Jamie’s cell,  Because Jamie is perfect, he shows no fear as BJR continues to smarmy all over the place. Remember how Jamie filed a petition of complaint in the hopes that the Duke of Sandringham would clear his name, thus removing the unjust bounty on his head? The Duke of Sandringham is a messy drunk so Black Jack found out about it. The captain notes that the petition — which details his assaults on Claire, a highborn Englishwoman, would ensure his downfall and he burns it in front of Jamie.The way Randall always toys with his prey, what a sociopath.The captain is also needy. It goes like this:

BJR: Hey, remember the time I brutalized you? Do you think of me? Do you dream about me when you sleep? Do you think of me when you touch your wife and “soften.”

Me: Really? Really? I seem to remember a certain sadistic redcoat softening as Jenny laughed at him when he tried to rape her.

BJR:  Let’s make a deal, give me what I want and you don’t have to hang. I’ll let you die in some other way, deal?

Jamie: Piss off. By the way, you’re the one who can’t stop thinking about me, perv.

Audience: To be fair, we can’t stop thinking of you either.

Somehow, Outlander makes things darker. So dark that it’s as if everything that came before this is a screwball comedy.

Full Disclosure: At this point, I couldn’t watch. It goes like this:

Mr. TV Recaps: How can you recap when you’re not looking at the screen?

Mrs. TV Recaps: Please tell me what’s happening!

Mr. TV Recaps: Black Jack is smashing Jamie’s hand with a hammer. Jamie’s losing consciousness. Black Jack wants to make sure that he’s awake. He’s making Jamie touch his junk.

Mrs. TV Recaps: What do you mean? Is Black Jack making Jamie touch his own junk?

Mr.TV Recaps: He has Jamie in a headlock. Black Jack is making Jamie touch Black Jack’s junk. And now he’s touching his hair.

Mrs. TV Recaps: Black Jack is stroking Jamie’s hair?

Mr. TV Recaps: No, Black Jack is sort of running his fingers through his own hair like this [Helpfully mimics running his fingers through his own hair.]

Mrs. TV Recaps: Thank you for watching this, Honey. If I ever fell through a portal and wound up with Jamie and had a chance to come back to you, I would, you know. I’d leave Jamie for you. You’re perfect.

In any case, Claire has let herself into the jail and found her husband’s cell. Even barely conscious, Jamie tells Claire to leave in order to keep her safe. Jamie is perfect.

Black Jack returns and finds more ways to be evil. He instructs Marley the jailer, to search Claire for weapons, which involves groping. Black Jack says he’s not in the mood for “See you next Tuesday,” essentially he’s saying that doesn’t feel like raping a woman today, but Marley might want her. They both invade her personal space and start sniffing her hair at the same time. You were warned not to read this, weren’t you?

Jamie manages to kill the jailer, when Randall chokes Claire, Jamie says that Randall can have him if he lets Claire go. To test Jamie’s “sincerity, ” Randall requests that Jamie to put his injured hand on the table and then hammers a nail through it as Claire watches and cries. Black Jack also forces a kiss on Jamie, I think. I can’t watch.

Jamie asks Black Jack to send Claire away and he does escort her out of the cell. Black Jack smugly asks about her trial, Claire boasts that she is a witch and will curse him by telling him the hour of his death. She leans in close and whispers in his ear. You can’t hear what she’s saying, but Black Jack looks terrified and tosses her out of the prison.

Claire finds the MacKenzie clan and they take her to the home of ally Sir Marcus MacRannoch. He shelters them at Eldridge house, but understandably refuses to put his family in jeopardy. Claire offers to pay him and it goes like this:

Claire: Here are some valuable pearls.

MacRannoch: I recognize these pearls! I gave them to Ellen as a wedding gift! I can’t believe Jamie is her son!

Audience: Are you kidding? Didn’t Murtagh just say that he gave Ellen handmade jewelry as a wedding gift? Wow, everyone loved Ellen. We can see where Jamie gets it from.

Murtagh: You still aren’t being helpful. Hey, I just saw you arguing with some extra about missing cattle, which seems kind of weird for this scene. It doesn’t matter, I just figured out how I’m going to save Jamie!

Audience: Huh?

Cut back to Black Jack. He asks, “Shall we begin.” I just can’t.

Okay, go drink now. Eat ice cream straight from the carton. Cry yourself to sleep, you earned it.

We love comments, they don’t appear right away, but we’ll get to them. If you read the books, please don’t give anything away. Thank you!

Claire took a wrong turn in 1945 and wound up in 1743 — we’ve all been there, right? Fun fact: 18th-century Scotland gives severe side-eye to an English outsider or “Sassenach.” It’s also an era where weapons training is a necessity for women. On the other hand, there’s Claire’s new husband Jamie Fraser who is made of dreamy. He is also a fugitive from the redcoats due to some trumped-up charges and has been recaptured. You know who doesn’t sit around like a damsel-in-distress? Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser, that’s who! The sassy Sassenach sets out on a dangerous quest to rescue her man. She has allies. Jamie’s got a no-nonsense sister, Jenny Murray and a badass godfather, Murtagh Fraser. He also has Uncle Dougal MacKenzie, kind of; Dougal’s a solid warrior, but he can be shifty.

Let’s go! The primary concern is to save Jamie from Black Jack Randall, the sadistic captain has a disturbing fixation on Jamie and his family. Claire thinks she can get help from

The primary concern is to save Jamie from Black Jack Randall, the sadistic captain has a disturbing fixation on Jamie and his family. Claire thinks she can get help from Lord Thomas, Randall’s superior because he’s cordial to Claire and take a dim view of Black Jack; sounds like a long-shot. During their reconnaissance mission, the ladies spot some of the redcoats, but Jamie’s not with them. It goes like this:

Redcoat: I’m going to conveniently stray from the other redcoats.

Jenny and Claire: Two guns, one redcoat Stay still while we tie you up.

Redcoat: I have a bright idea, I’m calling you harlots and sluts now.

Jenny: While Claire politely asks you about Jamie, I’m just gonna get this hot poker ready. I’ve got a baby to nurse, let’s wrap it up.

Redcoat: Fun fact: That hot poker you’re holding to my foot makes me whimper and cry.

Claire: Wait, let’s resolve this with “I” statements. Can we use that poker as a talking stick? I still don’t understand how 1743 works.

Jenny: I see I have to hold this poker to your bollocks now.

Redcoat: I’m fond of my man parts, let’s talk first. Oh, by the way, when I get free, I’ll tell everyone about this and you’ll hang.

It turns out that Jamie escaped the redcoats. He certainly can’t return to his home, Lallybroch. Despite the fact that the redcoat said the ladies will hang, Claire wants to tend to his wounds and release him back into the wild or something. After all, she’s a nurse. Oh, Claire. Hey look who’s here, it’s Murtagh, Ian sent him a text! Murtagh has knife skills. Buh-bye Redcoat.

Murtagh has strategic skills, they travel to villages with Claire as a roaming nurse. It’s important for them to get attention on these stops, Jamie will likely catch wind of it. During evening festivities, Claire conducts palm readings. It goes like this:

Claire: I see a strapping redhead who makes ladies swoon. Sound like anyone you know?

Murtagh gets attention with dance performances. Murtagh has so many skills, dancing is not one of them, but he sure is enthusiastic. The audiences are enthusiastic about showing off their pitching skills as they lob tomatoes at him. Claire suggests they do something jazzy and serves up some Andrews Sisters realness. Murtagh hones the act: Claire keeps the beat, but changes it to a bawdy Scottish song and cross-dress. Nobody will forget a saucy song from a cross-dressing Sassenach. Murtagh is before his time.

The son-and-dance act is such a hit that Mr. Ward, a shady Gypsy, steals it for his own cross-dressing Sassenach songstress — he employs a better dancer, though. That’s copyright infringement, my friend. Oh, wait that doesn’t exist in 1743. Oh, 1743. Claire explains that she is the only one who can sing the song because it’s a secret message for her husband and pays off he Gypsy. Murtagh does not trust the word of Gypsies, thinks the song-and-dance routine is over and tells Claire to go home. Oh, Murtagh. Nobody tells Claire what to do.

Claire uses the old “You’ve never lost anyone you’ve loved routine. That’s ridiculous, we haven’t seen Jamie this episode, which means we’ve all lost someone we love, Claire. Just have a seat, Miss Lady. Murtagh shuts Claire down with a story about his lost love, Jamie’s mother, Ellen. Claire cries, we all cry. We love Jamie. We love Murtagh, too and I regret ignoring him all season. The duo continues performing.

Mr. Ward turns up, he’s still using her song, but he got a message, which, he knows was meant for Claire. The message directs Claire and Murtagh to a meeting spot, but Dougal is the one waiting for them. Good news: Jamie is alive! He heard about the song and went looking for Claire. Bad news: The redcoats were waiting and now he’s at Wentworth Prison. This is bad, this is really, really bad.

Dougal reports that Jamie has been sentenced to death and has a private chat with Claire. It goes like this:

Dougal: Jamie’s as good as dead. Let’s get married. I can keep you safe and get my greedy hands on Lallybroch.

Claire: You’re kind of a douche.

Dougal: Yep, but Jamie would want us to marry so I can save you from Black Jack.

Claire: Let’s go save Jamie, if that doesn’t work, I will go right back to the mystical portal that can take me to 1945 and my 20th-century husband, Frank. I was going to do that before, but then I looked at Jamie and came to my senses. Without him, there is no reason to be here we’ll get married.

Murtagh and everyone else in the scene: We’ll all fight to rescue Jamie and we’re not shifty like Dougal, so you don’t have to marry us.

Me: I haven’t finished the book yet and have avoided spoilers. My Twitter timeline keeps freaking me out with ominous #WentworthIsComing Tweets. Damn it Show, I need sedatives.

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Jamie Fraser is nearly perfect. When his new wife Claire mentioned that unexpected time travel transported her from 1945 to 1743 and that she had left behind her 20th-century husband, Frank Randall, Jamie took the news quite well and even gave her a chance to return to 1945, a less violent and dangerous era which would fulfill the nurse’s yearning for disinfectant and other medical advancements. Have you seen Jamie? Claire declined a ride on the mystical portal and accompanied Jamie to his home Lallybroch, where he presides as laird. Jamie, who was wrongfully charged with murder, has been hiding out from the redcoats. Going back to his home seems like a risky strategy, but it does keep Claire safer than she’s been anywhere else and Jamie will do anything to keep his bride safe. Jamie’s sister Jenny Murray, takes a dim view of her in-law; being British in 18th-century Scotland is sometimes frowned upon. 

Let’s go!

Jamie and Claire have just experienced a peaceful moment, so Outlander reminds us not to get too comfy. A band of unexpected visitors have shown up at Lallybroch. While a thoughtful drop-in guest might bring some Danish or a bottle of merlot, these guys go the unexpected route and hold a gun to Jamie’s head.

How on Earth does Jamie manage to be so dreamy when someone is aiming a gun at his head? How is that even possible? As it turns out, Jamie, Claire, and Jenny are all excellent at giving each other significant looks so it’s apparent that everyone needs to use their ESP skills. It turns out that Jenny’s skill set involves more than giving her sister-in-law severe side-eye and humiliating sadistic would-be rapists, she really knows how to defuse a situation. She acts all cool and casual when she introduces Taran MacQuarrie to her “cousin” Jamie MacTavish. In addition to being dreamy, Jamie has some crazy long name, so it’s easy to come up with aliases and MacTavish is the one he’s been using lately.

Since everyone’s facial expression conveys subtext, MacQuarrie joins in the fun and facially subtexts, too. His facial expression calls shenanigans on this “cousin” business, but he goes along with it. MacQuarrie and his cohorts are the worst uninvited guests in the world. Showing up without notice is bad enough, but they are all bossy and entitled. It goes like this:

Rude Guests: Hey, Jenny just run along and make some rabbit stew. Oh, good here’s your husband Ian, who has just had our sword polished or something involving weapon maintenance.

Jamie’s Face: I am shooting death glares at you, but I’m also being extremely handsome.

Jenny’s Baby: Uh, not to be pushy, but her water is about to break, so let’s ease up on the unreasonable demands, Rude Guests.

It turns out that the visitors are part of “The Watch,” essentially they are in the redcoats’ collective pocket, which means they are not #TeamJamie. Not being on #TeamJamie is immediate grounds for dismissal in my book. (The book I regret not reading before the series began.)

Dinner is tense and involves a lot of subtext, it goes like this:

MacQuarrie: Hey Jamie, of course, I don’t believe Jenny’s cover story, but let’s make some facial subtext.

Jamie: At least my facial subtext is extremely handsome.

MacQuarrie: You have an interesting accent, Jamie.

Claire: Oh, he probably picked that up when he spent years in France hiding from trumped-up charges made by sadistic Captain Frank Randall, who is rape enthusiast obsessed with hurting Jamie. Hmm, maybe I just gave away something. I forgot that every time I make a reference to France it leads to trouble. Sacre bleu.

These rude guests manage to find new ways to be awful, Jenny goes to the trouble of making sure they have extra blankets and fresh hay to sleep on with chocolate mints on their pillows and they still spit and refuse to use coasters. The visitors also think it’s amusing to set the hay on fire and watch Jamie extinguish the blaze. They are less amused when he lunges at them and shares his feelings about The Watch. Jamie shares his feelings with his fists. Hey, look who’s here to inflame the situation? It’s Horrocks, some shady Irish guy from Jamie’s past. He also uses facial subtext to let us know that he is aware of the price on Jamie’s head. He makes a lot of insinuating comments about the desirability of Jenny and Claire and demands money to keep quiet.

Ian suggests that they use some secret funds to pay off the blackmailer, but Jamie is not hearing of it, that money is for Jenny, Claire and the future children he and Claire will have one day. Speaking of children, Jenny has been talking a lot about pregnancy with Claire, who looks a little down. The Foreshadowing Fairy flutters about making significant facial expressions. You know where this is leading. Jamie tells Claire that there are lots of funds for her and their future children and poor Claire sobs that she can’t give Jamie children. We’re not used to a sobbing Claire, but we are used to Jamie being nearly perfect. It goes like this:

Claire: I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t expect to fall in love with you after our hastily arranged marriage.

Audience: That’s funny, we all fell in love with Jamie in the first episode. What took you so long? Well, welcome to the fandom.

Jamie: Remember how I was completely cool with you being a married time traveler from 1945? Now I am going to be even more swoon-worthy. Despite the fact that I was looking forward to a family with you, I’ve decided that a life without kids is for the best. Women are always dying in childbirth and I could not stand it if anything happened to you. I would do anything to protect you from pain. Anything. I would rather be in pain than for you to be in pain. Now come here while I handsome all over you.

Audience: Give us a minute to swoon so hard that we pass out.

Foreshadowing Fairy: Just remember what he said about complicated childbirth and how he’d do anything for Claire.

Audience: Don’t even think of hurting Jamie again, Outlander. We mean it.

The rest of the episode is filled with wall-to-wall drama.

• Jenny is about to go through a very dangerous delivery. Claire recognizes that the baby is breech. Jenny is a BAMF who knows all about “footlings” and just requires a drink to get through this. Claire is a BAMF when it comes to safe deliveries without any modern medical techniques. The baby is just fine. Jenny warms up to Claire.
• Ian explains that the guys in The Watch aren’t all bad. They could do even more plundering if they wanted to and they actually keep the Scots relatively safe from the redcoats. One might call them the lesser of two evils.
• That awful blackmailer is toast. When it comes to sneaking up and running a sword through a horrible person, Ian is a BAMF.

It turns out that MacQuarrie never liked the Irish blackmailer anyway and is totally cool with dreamy rebel fugitives, he wants Jamie to take part in some The Watch activities. Jamie and Ian join the men with the intention of making this a short-term gig, but MacQuarrie wants Jamie to think of this as a permanent assignment — or else.

Three days later Claire and Jenny are waiting for their husbands to return. The fact that Jenny is on her feet after three days is astonishing. I guess the year 1743 is not into maternity leave. It is into stressing out the audience, however.

Ian returns to Lallybroch with a bloody MacQuarrie. The rest of the team has been wiped out and the redcoats have Jamie, this will place him in the clutches of Black Jack Randall, Outlander insists on messing with the audience’s emotions.

Please leave a flattering comment, they don’t appear immediately, but we’ll get to them. If you are an Outlander pro, please don’t give away spoilers for those who have made the poor life choice of not reading the book first.

Ever since becoming trapped in 18th-century Scotland, Claire has been trying to reach Cragh na Dun, the ancient stones, which caused her accidental time travel. Claire passed the time (no pun intended) by marrying dreamboat Jamie Fraser (it’s complicated), Jamie is nearly perfect, so perfect that after Claire finally confessed her bizarre secret, he took her to the stones so that she could return to 1945. When Jamie walked away so that Claire could go back to Frank Randall, modern conveniences, and disinfectant — which the nurse is always yammering about. No woman in her right mind would want to live in the dangerous and violent year of 1743, right? Have you seen Jamie?  Buh-bye, disinfectant.

With Claire back in Jamie’s muscular arms, they make the trip to Lallybroch and Jamie learns more about his mysterious wife. It goes like this:

Jamie: I know you’re from 200 years in the future, so how old are you?

Claire: 27.

Jamie: Whoa!

Claire: According to the show, I’m five years older than you, but In real life I’m a year younger than you, so shut it down. Why did you have to bring up age? Now all the ladies in the audience are going to Google and feel ashamed about crushing on a man who was born while they were in high school.

Jamie: So there are flying machines? Man, I wish I could ride in one and get in the mile-high club.

Claire: Don’t worry about it, you’ll continue to handsome all over the place and raise the expectations of women everywhere as we have fantasy sex.

The Frasers reach Lallybroch, the family estate, where Jamie will take his rightful place as laird. Jamie’s been in hiding for four years since there’s a price on his head, but it’s believed that he’ll receive a pardon from the Duke of Sandringham. The Duke seems kind of shady so Jamie shouldn’t get too comfy hiding in plain sight.

Just an FYI: Lallybroch is also known as Broch Tuarach because the only thing Outlander likes more than making Jamie take off his shirt is confusing everyone with Gaelic. This is probably the only time I’ll write the words “Broch Tuarach” because it’s a waste of keystrokes that could be devoted to Jamie’s various states of undress.

Back at Lallybroch, Claire and Jamie receive a warm welcome from his sister Jenny. It goes like this:

Jenny: Hey, where you been? Meet your nephew, I named him Jamie.

Jamie: Wait, what? It’s all my fault I couldn’t stop Captain Black Jack Randall from raping you and now you’ve named his child after me? Stop trying to make me feel bad. Are you pregnant? Now you’ll have two bastards. Oh, the shame! This is probably my fault.

Jenny: Yeah, maybe you’d like to hear what happened before you make wild accusations. Here’s your old friend Ian Murray, we’re married and he’s the father of my children. So, who’s this English trollop? I should tell her how I used to literally grab you by the balls to make you pay attention, but let’s talk about how after seeing you tortured by Black Jack I thought you were dead.

Jamie: No, let’s make things more awkward by having a family discussion detailing how Black Jack Randall raped you, so I can continue to torment myself about a situation I had no control over because I was totally outnumbered. This recapper is bad at math, but I think I was probably only 18 at the time.

Jenny: Okay, I’ll talk about it just this once. After I said I’d go with him to save your life, he dragged me upstairs and talked a lot. I wasn’t paying attention because I was too busy thinking about how I was going to kick his ass. I waited around while he kept trying to … what’s a ladylike way to put this? Let’s just say Black Jack just couldn’t rise to the occasion, if you know what I mean. While he was standing around trying to choke the chicken, spank the monkey, beat the meat or what have you, I just repeatedly laughed in his face until he called me a “See you next Tuesday,” knocked me out and left in shame. Ugh, I hate that guy. Well, at least this English trollop you brought home isn’t a time traveler who is married to one of Randall’s descendants because that would be weird.

By the way, during the attempts at self-stimulation, did you see what I think I saw? It was hard to tell, but it looked like we saw more of Tobias Menzie than expected.

When Claire and Jamie are alone, he exposits about how much he loved his father. After Jamie’s first public whipping at the hands of Black Jack, Jamie’s father pleaded in vain with the captain to show his son leniency. Black Jack did make Jamie an offer, in order to avoid receiving 100 lashes for the second time in a week, all Jamie had to do was allow himself to be — and this is Jamie’s word — “buggered.” Jamie thought that might be the least painful and most expedient option, but refused to be broken, so he submitted to another 100 lashes. His father, who unbeknownst to Jamie was in the crowd, died on the spot. Poor Jamie didn’t even get to go the burial and has never even been to the grave.

The next day, the tenants celebrate their laird’s return and meet Lady Broch Tuarach (Damnit, I said I wouldn’t type it, but that’s her title now.) Instead of boring you with details, let’s just say that Claire starts another one of her fights with 1743 and Jamie fixes things by coming home so drunk that we are all cheated out of another episode of Fraser fantasy sex so the whole thing is annoying. Despite being nearly perfect, Jamie is doing a rather slip-shod job of being the laird, but let’s skip ahead to the important part. There’s a problem with the mill and the only way to fix it is to have Jamie handsome all over the place and wade into the pond bare-bottomed. While Jamie is underwater, Jenny warns Claire that some redcoats are coming and Lady Broch Tuarach needs to keep quiet so they won’t hear her English accent. These redcoats are pleasant and try to help with the mill. The whole incident results in a hidden Jamie having to take off his shirt so that he can later emerge from the water fully naked. Fully. His hand is the only thing keeping this from turning into porn. Outlander loves its audience enough to have the camera linger on this scene for as long as possible. That sound you hear is millions of ovaries exploding.

Jenny, who saw her brother’s scarred back when he was in the water, has a heart-to-heart with him at their father’s grave. She blamed Jamie for their father’s death, but now she blames herself for Jamie’s torture at the hands of Black Jack. Jamie, who regularly finds reasons to feel guilty, also blamed himself for their father’s death. So excessive guilt is apparently a family thing, the sibs hug it out and finally agree that the only one at fault is Black Jack.

Claire and Jamie talk about their arranged marriage and admit how much they love each other. So everything will be fine now, right? Right? Nope, Claire wakes up the next morning to find a man holding a gun to Jamie’s head, Jamie still manages to handsome all over the place.

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Curiosity about paganism caused 20th-century nurse Claire Randall to tumble through a portal, which landed her in 18th-century Scotland without her husband Frank.The year 1743 doesn’t have much going for it, but there is the dreamy Jamie Fraser. His likes include rebelling against the British, handsoming all over the place, saving Claire from dire predicaments and making ovaries explode. Claire’s hobbies include mind-blowing sex with Jamie and not understanding how 200 years ago works. She has one friend, suspected witch, Geillis Duncan, and one enemy, the charmless Laoghaire MacKenzie who understandably wants Jamie for herself. When Jamie left on a mission, Laoghaire set Claire up to get charged with witchcraft.

Let’s go!

Laoghaire’s plans to vanquish Claire are going quite well. Thanks to her knack for always being in the wrong place at the wrong time, Claire was on the scene when Geillis was dragged from her home on charges of witchcraft and also got accused of being a sorceress. There are no pleasant country club jails, so the women get tossed in a dank hole and are not feeling chummy. It goes like this.

Geillis: This is probably your fault, snitch.

Claire: I think maybe you shouldn’t have been dancing naked in the moonlight, that sort of thing leads to chatter.

Geillis: I am not a witch, the only thing I’m guilty of is delivering all my lines with a little smirk and subtext so the audience always knows I’m up to something naughty and also the only other woman on this show who they’d want to hang out with.

Claire: You did murder your repugnant and flatulent husband so you could be with Dougal MacKenzie, though.

Geillis: Well, what would you do if you were having Dougal’s lovechild? He’s going to come to the rescue.

Claire: Nope, Colum MacKenzie, the wimpy laird, sent his brother Dougal to bury the wife that you probably killed and commanded him to stay away from Castle Leoch and you — or else. Obviously, this makes no sense because Dougal is an alpha male who could easily defeat Colum, but I guess this is how 1743 works. Jamie was sent to accompany him out of town so he doesn’t know I’m in trouble, thanks for that, Ginger.

Geillis: We’re about to get burned at the stake then, I hope you’re cool with that.

The trial commences and a bunch of grimy extras demand that the women burn at the stake. Fortunately, word gets out to 1-800-Lawyers, so Ned Gowan shows up to defend the ladies. The year 1743 hates lawyers, some things never change.

One by one the extras come forward to make up stories about the women and get their SAG cards. The star witness is Laoghaire (or as the fandom calls her, Leg Hair) who explains how Claire used beauty, sophistication, intelligence and talent to steal Jamie, who would certainly prefer to be with a dull, unappealing, clingy pest. Sounds like an open-and-shut case.

Remember Father Bain who thinks a high fever is a sign of the devil? He swoops in to save the day by explaining that Claire’s medical expertise cured a child, obviously his superstitious beliefs about exorcism were wrong, so backsies! Aww, he isn’t so bad after all. Before leaving, Father Bain turns and smirks at Claire. Wait, what? This is some sort of 18th-century passive-aggressive thing which makes Claire look even more guilty and Father Bain is a douche. Geillis keeps quiet, but Claire doesn’t play like that so she keeps shouting about her innocence in an assertive manner, which only a sorceress would do, amirite?

While they’re taking a break from being crucified, Claire learns something about her friend: Geillis and Duncan got together because of politics, Geillis is also a Jacobite.

Ned tells the women that Geillis isn’t going to wriggle out of this, but Claire can get off by snitching. Claire doesn’t do that kind of thing. You know what Ned doesn’t do? Stand around idly, he pulls a gun on the crowd which is so ballsy. The extras subdue him. It looks like he’s still alive, I can’t tell. I hope he’s okay. The mob grabs Claire and literally rip her bodice to whip her. Jamie rushes in and threatens all the extras. Geillis has her most awesome moment, it goes like this.

Geillis: Hey everybody, I’m a witch, but Claire’s innocent. Take a look at my smallpox vaccination scar, it’s a mark of the devil. Psst, Claire, I’m from 1968.

Gutsy Geillis rips open her dress to expose her belly and claims that the child belongs to Satan. The naked Geillis bodysurfs out while the authorities demand that she be covered up. So, burning women is okay, but boobies are a cause for alarm? Okay, 1743. They do yell something about her being pregnant, so I hope she gets her a pass, I love Geillis.

There’s nothing Claire and Jamie can do for Geillis so they slip away. When they’re safe, Jamie tends to Claire’s back, which is a change of pace since he’s the one who is always getting injured in order to take off his shirt. He asks his wife for the truth and wants to know if she’s a witch. Claire confesses that she’s from the future and has a husband back in 1945. As we all know, Jamie is nearly perfect so he believes her and even apologizes again for that unfortunate spanking incident.

They’re not returning to Castle Leoch, Jamie says he’s taking Claire to his home, Lallybroch, where he will assume his rightful role as laird. But first, they must sit by a fire and do what they do best. There’s no thrusting or straddling or Latin this time, Jamie displays a new skill. He wants to see Claire’s face, there’s not a ladylike way to talk about it except to say that it involves hands and continues to thwart men everywhere by raising expectations. Afterward, he leads his wife to Cragh na Dun, the ancient stones she touched before she fell through time. Jamie says that he knows that’s what Claire has wanted and his era is too violent and dangerous to be safe for her. Oh God, please stop being so perfect Jamie, women are running out of ovaries to explode and now Googling unnecessary body parts. (For the record, we don’t need wisdom teeth, tonsils, sinuses and some other things.)

Jamie walks away and tells Claire that he’ll camp out until she leaves. Claire rushes up to the stones and everything goes black. Claire is not crazy, she sees the smoke and recognizes that modern conveniences are for the weak. Sorry Frank, you just can’t compete and Claire couldn’t give a damn about her ovaries.

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Returning to 1945 and her husband Frank Randall isn’t the priority it once was for Claire whose unintentional time travel landed her into the arms of 18th century heartthrob Jamie Fraser. Jamie’s hobbies include being handsome, repeatedly getting injured so that he has to take off his shirt, battling the sadistic redcoat Captain Black Jack Randall and working to have his name cleared of trumped-up murder charges so he can come out of hiding and assume his position as laird of his family estate, Lallybroch. Jamie and Claire’s 

Let’s go!

Remember how you spent the entire week thinking about the final ten minutes of the last episode and all that straddling and thrusting that was going on? Maybe you thought, “Wow, I can’t wait until Outlander shows another fantasy-fuel scene like that!” The wait wasn’t long. This episode opened with more of the same. For the sake of propriety let’s just say that Jamie is fluent in Latin and Claire is one lucky lady. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it looks like Jamie read a few Esquire articles on the topic because he really knows what he’s doing. They are interrupted by some persistent knocking at the door, but Jamie pretty much ignores it because Jamie is back to being perfect.

Jamie finally opens the door to Murtagh, who reports that the Duke of Sandringham is visiting Colum MacKenzie, Castle Leoch’s laird. This is good news because the Duke, who has a crush on Jamie, can wield his influence to lift the bounty on Jamie’s head. While the court won’t take much interest in a Scotsman’s complaint against an officer, Captain Black Jack Randall’s repeated assaults on a highborn Englishwoman would lead to his downfall and make it easier to have the case against Jamie dismissed. Claire knows that the Duke is not to be trusted, but she signs a document and also pays the Duke a visit without her husband’s knowledge. It goes like this:

Claire: My 20th century husband, Frank, was a history buff and told me that you’re shady because you take Dougal’s gold to supposedly fund a Jacobite army, but you’re also Black Jack’s ally.

Duke: Am not.

Claire: Are too, don’t make me tattle on you.

Duke:  Well, I guess there’s no harm in hearing Jamie out.

When Jamie meets with the Duke, the nobleman agrees to consider Fraser’s complaint in exchange for Jamie being his second in a gun duel. It’s one of those weird duels where it’s understood that nobody will get hurt and it’s just a face-saving measure to prove courage. It’s a perplexing male ritual, don’t get involved.

Claire also has business with Laoghaire. It’s come to my attention that she’s known as Leg Hair in the fandom, she totally deserves unflattering nicknames. It goes like this:

Claire: Jamie told me that you tried to use a hex to get rid of me. It’s totally understandable that you’re jealous because my husband is a hottie who has no interest in you.

Laoghaire: You stole him from me and I bet he has to be drunk to get it on with an elegant, educated, talented and gorgeous sex goddess when he could be with a dull, bratty and charmless girl like me.

Claire: I know I just slapped your face. Sorry, not sorry.

Later on Claire finds her crafty friend Geillis Duncan performing a pagan ceremony that looks a bit like the one Claire and Frank spied on right before Claire was pulled out of 1945. Geillis twirls around with a torch and basically look like she’s having ecstatic sex with the earth, wind and fire. (Sorry!) Geillis tells Claire she can stop obviously lurking and shows off her baby bump. Geillis has been keeping her pregnancy a secret — even from her flatulent husband, Arthur. The baby was sired by Dougal MacKenzie! Who knew? According to Geillis, Dougal is married to Maura, a homely woman who lives far away. As usual Geillis slyly subtexts that she and Dougal will be free to marry soon. Obviously Geillis’ subtext and superstition won’t work. What a silly idea.

Oh, wow, Dougal’s wife just died and he is having a meltdown. Colum, who I’ve come to detest, just stands by looking bored as his brother wails and charges around waving his sword so much that everyone is afraid to go near him. Claire’s nursing skills come into play and she surreptitiously slips an herbal remedy in his drink so he’ll pass out. Despite his grief, Dougal attends a feast honoring the Duke. The Duncans are there and Geillis’ husband stumbles about, falls to the ground and foams at the mouth. Claire rushes to help, but it’s too late. A whiff of bitter almonds indicates that Arthur died from cyanide poisoning. Geillis eventually remembers she should look sad about ridding herself of a grotesque and gassy husband, so she makes an unconvincing show of crying out in anguish. As Dougal stares at her, Colum stares at his brother and puts two and two together.

On the day of the duel, Jamie serves as second to the Duke during combat with a member of the MacDonald clan. The MacDonalds have to pretend that the Duke’s life is in jeopardy because he weasles on a bet. Given the political climate, could Scots get away with killing an English aristocrat? Too bad Frank Randall isn’t around to answer that. Everything goes off without a hitch but then Jamie unnecessarily engages in some post-duel trash talk with the MacDonalds who are MacKenzie enemies. Swords are drawn, the sissyish Duke skips away and Jamie assumes he’ll uphold his part of the bargain. This wouldn’t be an episode of Outlander if Jamie didn’t sustain some sort of injury that Claire has to patch up. This time she’s so annoyed by his shenanigans that his attempts to shirtlessly handsome all over his wife fall flat.

Jamie is summoned by his Uncle Colum who has the nerve to berate Dougal. This is stunning because we’re so used to seeing Dougal Alpha-male all over the place, but the war chief just listens with his tail between his legs as Colum orders that after going home to bury Maura, Dougal should stay away and is banished. Oh, please! Colum knows good and well that he’s ineffectual and needs his brother to keep everyone in line. Even the Duke could take Colum down in a brawl. Colum also forbids Dougal to have anything to do with Geillis or the child she’s carrying. Obviously he’s still not over that time Dougal mentioned that he’s the one who has to do all the heavy lifting and sired Colum’s son, Hammish. The laird seems to think that this cavorting with Geillis is improper, yet doing things like imprisoning Claire and overseeing barbaric beatings are A-okay. The year 1743 is an asshole. Colum’s also angry with Jamie for an unsanctioned fight with the MacDonalds and orders him to accompany Dougal — without Claire. Colum wants her to stay behind so Jamie will remain focused on his assignment and not Latin all over the place.

Of course, Jamie gives Claire a warning on how to keep safe. With Arthur dead, there’s no one to protect Geillis from her reputation as a witch who subtexts all over the place and Dougal won’t be around to spare her from Colum’s, wrath so Claire should steer clear of her. Of course, Claire never learns her lesson and forgets all about what Jamie said when she gets a note summoning her to the merry widow’s home. Of course, Geillis isn’t the one who wrote the note. Of course, when the authorities come to arrest Geillis, they take Claire, too. Of course, the whole thing was set in motion by Leg Hair.

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