10 Thoughts on Quantico: “God” — Nov. 1, 2015
Quantico is a glorious cocktail. Take one part Melrose Place add one part Homeland, shake, garnish with How to Get Away with Murder and voilà — you’ve got a sexy, hilarious mystery. Hot FBI recruits flirt, scheme, hook up and keep secrets as they train to keep America safe. Months later, drop-dead gorgeous Alex Parrish is accused of masterminding a terrorist attack and the most conspicuous incognito fugitive ever works to clear her name and figure out if one of her classmates set her up. Her hair and makeup remain on-point. I love this show so hard. Let’s go!
- Aww, Alex Parrish and Shelby Wyatt are enjoying one of their pajama parties. Yes, Shelby was being held captive in her home, but she’s a well-bred southern lady so she provided her fugitive bestie with a plush robe. Presumably, she also is generous with her grooming products. Alex and Shelby are guilty of not providing me with a good shipping hashtag. #Shlalex sounds like an “As Seen on TV” item.
- We waited all week for the Alex and Ryan shower scene, but as it turns out he’s in there with Natalie. Oh, wait he did this several months ago with Alex, too, so it was also an Alex tryst, but the scenes are intercut. Okay, Ryan likes to get dirty in the shower. He also has more body hair than one would expect. Quantico is guilty of fakeouts.
- Ryan, who is with the FBI, takes calls from his ex-lover, Alex, while in bed with his current lover, Natalie, who is also Alex’s rival and also a fed. Ryan then leaves his phone around. Ryan is guilty of a lack of stealth.
- Shelby and Caleb look like siblings so their sex scenes have a Flowers in the Attic vibe. Caleb also looks like his dad, so let’s hope Shelby doesn’t get involved with Mr. Haas because that would be creepy. Besides she should be involved with Alex. Shelby is guilty of not accepting that #Shalex or whatever they should be called is a thing.
- This week’s Chekhov’s gun training assignment is digital surveillance. Miranda is MIA so the helpful substitute teacher explains that surveillance means covert observation. Thanks, sub, we were scratching our heads. This is Quantico, so we will most likely monitor recruit sex. The show is guilty of having an extra on the scene because we don’t get Miranda’s Hunger Games approach to every assignment.
- Miranda is not at work because she is home with Charlie, her jailbird son who was just released from juvie, and, as it turns out took a gun to school or something. The words “quiet loner” come to mind. He’s a whiny brat; mommy did not pay him enough attention and she had an affair with Liam and boo-hoo. Parents just don’t understand. Shut up, Charlie. He is guilty of being more childish than Hakeem Lyon and making a snarky remark about Liam’s sandwich choice. There is nothing wrong with a BLT.
- Simon finally acts on his crush and asks “Nimah” out. He is really interacting with the other twin, who is skittish — I think. I am guilty of not knowing which twin is which. It looks like Nimah is the tough one. Her sis is the shrinking violet. Nimah is going to rock Simon’s world. Or maybe Raina is. Whatever, Simon and the twin are adorable.
- Liam is as bad at covert operations as Ryan so he loudly discusses how Ryan is spying on Alex, she overhears and drives off in a huff. Liam is guilty of depriving us of more shower sex.
- In the present day, Shelby has done the exact opposite of what I wanted. She had sex with Caleb’ dad. How did Caleb find out? Digital surveillance. Oh, Quantico, you are guilty of not reading No. 4.
- OMG Naima or “Naima” just took off her hijab for Simon. It’s on now. Kissing ensues, he later barges into her room and sees Naima’s twin. Simon clearly does not have threesome fantasies. He is as upset as he’d be if you brought him an espresso — Quantico is ride-or-die with bringing up Simon’s beverage preferences. There is a struggle and poor Simon ends up locked in a closet. The twins are guilty of being awesome.
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Quantico airs Sundays at 10/9c on ABC