Eight Life Lessons from Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce
It’s only been two weeks, but I’m lounging on a deck chair aboard the SS Girlfriend. I’m sipping a fruity drink and I think I can hear the steel drums. The sudsy show has all kinds of teachable moments. Here are some of the ones I took from the most recent one I watched.
- Self-help guru Abby talks a good game, while sweeping as much shit as possible under the rug. That’s what rugs are for, just like closets are for skeletons.
- Recognize schadenfreude-seeking heifers. Don’t engage, just shut them down with a fake smile and move on with your conspicuous designer handbag. (Personally, I’d keep score in order to karma kick those bitches when they’re down, but maybe that’s just me.)
- It’s human to have some really bad habits and flaws. Abbie smokes. You might want to try living on coffee, wine and pills. If you’re some kind of health nut who worries about damage to internal organs or an early death, then just go perform some misdemeanor. I won’t judge.
- Surround yourself with bad influences. Lyla —Abby’s entertainment lawyer —is an acerbic, potty-mouthed bitterella. She utters phrases like “finger bang” and is not above using sex to get her way and mess up her ex’s life. You gotta respect the Machiavellian moves. We’re sorry that Janeane Garofalo is only sticking around for a handful of episodes. Abbie’s other friend Phoebe can politely be called a free spirit, though her services aren’t actually free. To collect alimony, she assumes the position. I suspect she will never be so dull as to offer sage advice. There are more than enough people who will tell you the correct way to behave. Avoid them.
- Once you’re in your 40s you can do pretty much whatever you want without guilt. You don’t have to agonize over going home with the cute guy from the bar. Unless he’s a serial killer. If there is no APB out on him, go for it. It’s like YOLO, except it’s for grown-ass women who don’t go around using stupid expressions like YOLO.
- If you do go home with a random young cutie, it’s polite to prepare him for the news that you missed a waxing appointment … or 30. I read that in an Emily Post book. Take him back to the ’70s. It’s a history lesson.
- Sometimes you just have to pull back the rug you swept all that shit under. When the crowd all but throws rotten tomatoes at you, do a deliberate sashay with your head held high.
- Be aware that you’re royally screwed, but whatever. America loves a comeback story.