The Bachelor: Season 20–Episode 9

If you ask me, Ben Higgins acted shady on this episode, but you should really ask The Bachelor analyst Andrée H. The peanut gallery aka Mr. H and Mr. TV Recaps were conveniently “busy” so we’re on our own. — Elaine F.

I know you are probably hoping for our hubbies’ input, but the fact that we got them to sit through this show two weeks in a row is a miracle in and of itself. Maybe if we are really crafty, we can bring them back for the finale. It always amazes me that I was able to quit smoking, but I can’t quit a show that either makes mad enough or bored enough each week to get up and start trying to decapitate myself with my television. They always throw in just enough drama to keep me hooked and this week was no exception. Boring Ben turns out to be quite the nasty little bitch. If you are into shots, just take one every time the words “I love you” are uttered. You will be as smashed as I am. And that’s the best way to watch reality TV!

Elaine: Now we are down to the final three, my least favorite part of the season. At this point, the ladies aren’t together and the probable “winner” is obvious so there’s no fighting and tension. The exciting part is waiting for The Bachelorette star to be named. Since the second runner-up never gets that honor, I want Caila Quinn to go home tonight. I don’t think Ben’s going to make her his final pick and I just can’t get through a season focused on JoJo Fletcher.

Andrée: Yeah being both down to three girls and having Ben at the reins this is sure to be a snooze fest. The fantasy suites are only ever interesting if someone is a virgin or if it’s Juan Pablo and he spends the night offending them! I just don’t see Caila being interesting enough to be The Bachelorette, but neither is JoJo. I think you are out of luck because there is no way he is in love with JoJo and he has said many times that he is in love with two women at the end. It would suck to be his fiancée watching this show with him and hearing over and over again that he is also in love with another woman.

I would like to see my Kardashian Barbie, Ashley Iaconetti be The Bachelorette but I don’t think any guys would line up to date her. I would love blogging about her season though. Let me think here. Ah, I have the perfect person. Britt! Nilsson! Since she didn’t get to be The Bachelorette last year and all the girls kind of suck this season she would be perfect! I guess it’s too late to start a campaign eh?

Elaine: Ben keeps describing himself as feeling like a little boy. All women want a man who thinks like a little boy and dresses like a dad.

Andrée: Ben makes me feel like a little girl–I want to cry and throw a temper tantrum every time his boring mug takes over my television. It’s fun that they are in Jamaica though! They should do it up right and get stoned! That would make for some funny television. Even better, the fantasy suites should be at Hedonism! Now that is doing Jamaica right!

Elaine: I can’t imagine Ben with a bud. Lauren Bushnell is from Portland, she’ll get him into it. I don’t think Caila is into Ben, she’s auditioning for The Bachelorette. Her whole fear of vulnerability schtick is total Bachelorette material. She looks like she can cry on cue.

Andrée: I forgot about Caila’s stupid first impression when she ran out of the limo into his arms. It definitely seems like she is shooting for a bigger goal than Ben’s hand in marriage. Not that it would take much to have a bigger goal than that. From the recap of each relationship they are making it seem like he is not so into Caila and very much into JoJo which seems opposite of everything we have seen so far. This rowboat date is too much awkward silence for me to handle. Ben is so stupid. He knows something is on her mind, but he doesn’t just ask her. Why should it be her job to do all the communicating? I guess he’s cluing in to the fact that she just isn’t that into him. Is it just me or is she pulling back in hopes of getting voted out third and becoming The Bachelorette? Because that is some impeccable planning.

Elaine: Ben’s talking about going to the fantasy suite with Caila. Her fantasy is extending her 15 minutes of fame. No shade, that’s the only valid reason to go on this show. I respect that.

Andrée: With the losers they pick to be The Bachelor I would saying becoming The Bachelorette is the only valid reason to go on this show. It’s sad that Ben thinks this is his deepest relationship. She’s playing him well. Also, looks like Caila got a few drinks into her while changing for the dinner portion of the date.

Elaine: Caila says she can feel “in his breath” how Ben thinks about her. What does that mean? She’s laying it on thick. Caila is not a good actress. Ben’s pretending that he’s in love with her too. They are both bad actors.

Andrée: Even the way she said that she was in love with him, just so fake. It’s hard to watch really. She has too much highlighter on too. She looks like a shiny alien. I guess his breath must feel thick? I don’t get it. Ben says Caila is back, I think Caila is drunk. They made the mistake of sending her on the first part of the date sober.

Elaine: My mistake was watching this sober. Since I’m bored to tears, let’s talk about something interesting. Did you see that post about Ben’s hometown on Reddit? The show makes Warsaw, Indiana looks quaint but it sounds charmless in real life. Here are some choice bits:

“Warsaw being portrayed as a beautiful town is hilarious and everyone that lives here thinks so. Do you know where most of the hometown date was filmed? Winona Lake, which is right next to Warsaw, but not considered a part of the town. Warsaw is for poverty leveled people like my family. Winona Lake is for the people who have become wealthy from the orthopedic companies in town.

While Warsaw may be lacking in glamour, do you know what is DOES have? METH! Lots of it! We have a meth lab bust in the news nearly every other day. It’s a huge part of the community, and considered an “epidemic” by everyone that lives here.”

Instead of pointing out his old school and all that, Ben should have given a tour of a crack den or whatever you call locations where one smokes meth.

Andrée: Dens? I think? That was too funny. What an amazing read. Also, Mr. H. was bang-on with his extremely colorful commentary on what he felt the town would be like. I just had a thought, since we know the guy’s hometown in advance, we should recruit on Reddit for a local who can join in to our blog/rant during the future hometown episodes to give everyone the real story.

Elaine: Brill! So now we’re on the Lauren date. They are doing something with baby sea turtles. It’s one of Lauren’s dreams. There is a bucket full of them and she “feels like the luckiest girl in the world.” That’s the meth talking.

Andrée: It’s funny how Lauren is talking about how Ben isn’t allowed to say I love you. I feel like that rule got tossed from The Bachelor franchise a long time ago. 

Elaine: I’ll say this about Lauren, she’s a better actress than Caila because she’s really selling her excitement over these baby turtles.

Andrée: Something tells me she’s boring enough that washing turtles would be a highlight in her life.

Elaine: Turtles carry salmonella. She might as well play with raw chicken. Ben and Lauren both worried that the other one is “too good” for them. 

Andrée: I guess that’s Ben’s fear of being unlovable coming through again. 

Elaine: I actually do have something  nice to say about Lauren. She went to Coachella and was arrested for public intoxication so she’s a teeny bit less mind-numblingly dull. Who knew she had a wild side?

Andrée: I wonder what kind of a public drunk she was? I am going to guess more of the puking all over everyone over the starting a fight type. I will say one nice thing too, this day is just a thousand times more natural than the date with Caila. They will have a lovely boring life together. I bet they get a white picket fence and everything.

Elaine: I can say one more nice thing about Lauren, this coral outfit goes well with her coloring. Aside from that, their fantasy suite conversation works faster than Ambien.

Andrée: She looks very nice. But like I can’t listen to her cause like, she like, I mean, you know, like, kind of, like, you know, like, we are like, really having a great time, like, I don’t know. She’s driving me crazy. She’s had so many perfect opportunities to tell him she loves him so far, just like, do it. Aw, damn they are at Sandals, right next door to Hedonism too.

Elaine: Oooh, Ben told Lauren he loves her. Does the Bachelor do that? I thought they were supposed to be a little cagier. I guess at this point in the game, it’s allowed.

Andrée: It’s totally not allowed but it’s been broken before. First one I can remember is when Brad Womack told Emily Maynard he loved her. 

Elaine: Ben just closed the curtains in the fantasy suite, that’s discreet. I wonder how long it takes to get rid of the camera guys. When they are in the mood, do they have to wait around for the crew to take down the lights and pack up the clapboard? 

Andrée: Oh oh, Kaitlyn and Shawn did a snapchat about that! I will find it. I can’t find it but I did find this, which I now want to watch.

Elaine: You should definitely watch unREAL. Morning after and we get the shot of Lauren’s coral dress crumpled on the floor, more subtlety.

Andrée: Wow they went there.

Elaine: Sometimes Lauren strikes me as vaguely shifty. She seems well-suited to Ben, but there’s that tiny facial expression that reads bitchy. Not bitchy enough for me to like her though. She’ll never be Olivia Cardi, God rest her soul.

Andrée: I noticed that look when Ben said she was too good for him. It looked like a smug “Yeah I am,” then it switched to bashful and no, you are too good for me. If Ben doesn’t pick Lauren at this point he is an asshole, he’s said I love you six times now. Now he’s kissing JoJo. It’s really seeming like JoJo is going to be the third in the lover’s triangle.I like that shirt that JoJo is wearing. I would buy that. Where can I buy that? Why does American TV suck? UK and Australia always have links to buy everyone’s clothes at the end of the show. I love that.

Elaine: Time for JoJo’s date and Ben’s shirt is off, I know how you feel about that. Not everyone can live up to Shawn B.

Andrée: Oh  God. I got a $20 right here for you Ben if you put it back on, I’ll give you $100 if you pump some weights and work for the show a little, jeez. OMG did you see Ben’s tattoo? Is that poetry or some shit? I just Googled it. It’s a bible verse. Not just a bible verse, but it has an extra number on it, making Proverbs 16:3 into Proverbs 16:34– Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Ben you SUCK.

Elaine: Heaven help us! Ooooooh, JoJo just declared her love and Ben said he loves her too. She looks soooooo happy, genuinely. Poor JoJo, I think he didn’t know how to respond and said that to make her feel good. Ben is a wuss. If he axes her tonight, she definitely has a good chance of being The Bachelorette because everyone will sympathize with her. Everyone except for me.

Andrée: This is painful. Just painful to watch. I feel so bad for her, she thinks she is getting engaged next week. Ben wins the douchebag of the year award.

Elaine: JoJo just called Ben “babe.” She thinks she has it in the bag. If he breaks her heart, those crazy brothers are going to hunt him down and kill him. They’re from Texas, they probably have an arsenal.

Andrée:  Lauren must be going through a few boxes of Kleenex watching this right now. Either that or her fist through a few walls. How embarrassing.

Elaine: He’s mentioning her brothers because he claims he wants the family support. Ben just wants to have a good excuse to break up with JoJo.

Andrée: Of course she has zero doubts. He totally swindled her. What an asshole. He comes across as so nice but I bet he’s voting for Trump.

Elaine:  I  just remembered that scene last week when JoJo was totally “surprised” by her ex-boyfriend’s note. She might have even worse acting skills than Caila and Ben so I think she’s really into Ben and buying what he’s selling. Poor JoJo, he treated her like his bro all season so I’m not buying this declaration of love.

Andrée: He’s not even really making the brothers thing a big issue to her, more to the camera. Ben’s just been getting drunk and dropping L-bombs all over the place. Maybe he did get stoned after all. Um, the previews just made it look like Caila is going to walk in on JoJo and Ben in bed. That would be wonderful!

Elaine: Aww, JoJo just said “have a good day” like her husband is going off to work. 

Andrée: I really didn’t expect him to turn into such a dick. I guess she isn’t walking in on them after all. I swear I am going to stop watching the previews. They mess with my head.

Elaine: I’m done with the previews. I waited all season to see why one of them got a blackeye So he just announced that he’s ditching Caila so how is there a half hour left in this episode? Is she going to cry for 29 minutes? 

Andrée: This is just so out of nowhere. This whole time it’s only been Caila and Lauren that he’s seemed interested in. This is building more of a case for Caila’s Bachelorette goals. The showed probably forced Ben to keep her around so she could get more airtime and love from the viewers.

Elaine: Ah, this is a “surprise” visit to Ben’s lodgings. It’s a trap, run Caila! Somewhere Elan Gale is making a blood offering to Satan.

Andrée: There is never a surprise visit after fantasy suites!!

Elaine: Caila sees the breakup coming, she’s trying to look sad but I see that little smile. She’s wondering how soon she has to start packing for The Bachelorette. I hope they give her a lot of tall men to choose from, I like height-differential porn and I don’t want to hear you throw shade at my fellow shorty.

Andrée: Nothing like running in all smiles to your execution! It might be because I once tried to have sex on a tiny bed with a really tall guy and it was all awkward and horrible and I couldn’t deal with it so I broke up with him and stuck to no more than a 6-inch height difference ever since. I probably have some weird internal hangup that I wasn’t even aware of prior to this blog! Ben tells Caila that he loves the other two, doesn’t love her, he doesn’t get it because he saw her as his perfect wife and he doesn’t understand it but he doesn’t love her. What a freaking terrible way to breakup with someone. I guess they told him to lay it on thick so we would feel sorry for her and want to help her find a nice, tall man to love.

Elaine: Wait she’s getting out of the farewell limo, Caila will not go gentle into that good night. Oh, she just wanted to get a few minutes more camera time, nothing dramatic happened. Crying time. I knew Caila would do a pretty cry. Of course, those are really tears of joy: she gets to say farewell to Forest Gump and pack for The Bachelorette. Wow, this is some fake crying. She’ll have to take some acting classes before they start filming The Bachelorette. Who do you think will be the Bachelorette?

Andrée: How awkward, if you have questions, ask them before you get into the limo. Hearing that two other women are just better than you is no way to feel consoled after a breakup. Totally should have stayed in the limo. I guess it will be her, but they should seriously consider someone else. Like Britt, or Ashley I. or even freaking Tenley who kind of drives me crazy, but is single at the moment and pretty and God-loving and all of the things that they look for in The Bachelorette. Also, short!!

Elaine: As for Ben, Lauren has this in the bag, right?

Andrée: In the bag hardcore. There may have been some doubt in my mind if it had come down to Lauren and Caila, but pretending that he’s in love with JoJo is just stupid. This rose ceremony is so pointless. Obviously the girls know what is going on since Caila isn’t there. Let’s take a moment to discuss these awful shoes that Lauren is wearing with that dress. I just can’t stop staring.

Elaine: I’m too busy rolling my eyes at this two-rose ceremony to notice her shoes. So what do you think of the overall episode?

Andrée: There was a nice little side dish of Ben being the devil so I enjoyed it more that I expected I would!

Girls with Roses: Lauren and JoJo

Buh-Bye Caila

Lots of fake tears and fake I love yous this episode! Next week is my favorite part though – the girls tell all! The only thing is, and I don’t know about you, but the placement of this episode drives me crazy. At this point, what I want to know is who he is going to marry. I will want to hear the bitch fest, but it’s not what I want right now. I guess once they announce the engagement they want all the cattiness dealt with. I just have to take a moment to make a personal plea to Elan Gale and the rest of the Bachelor team. Please stop picking the losers. If you choose Caila, we are going to have a string of boring men vying for her attention, just as we did a string of boring women vying for Ben’s. You are moving too far away from the original premise. We are supposed to see a group of hot women vying over a rich, nice, hot man. Give us that. That is what we crave. There is a ton of good reality TV out there and there are only so many Juan Pablos, Andi Dorfmans and Bens that we can take. We can and will revolt. You want drama? Throw 25 hot women in a room with a rich, hot man. That’s all you have to do. You lost? Too bad. Go to another show. #bringbacktheheat #nomorelosers #bachelorrevolt

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All airs on Monday at 8/7c on Monday.