It’s no secret that every eligible chap in England is enchanted by the high-born beauty; her latest suitor is race car driver Henry Talbot. Lady Mary is not keen on cars, which is understandable since her husband, Matthew Crawley died in a 1921 motor accident—allegedly. (There have been rumors Matthew Crawley tired of life at Downton Abbey and snuck off to Hollywood, but he hasn’t been seen since.) Somehow Lady Mary gave in and accepted Henry’s invitation to watch him race at the Brooklands circuit. Our source says: “It’s unthinkable that anyone would press Lady Mary to do something she’s not interested in, that’s now how it works around here. The Crawley’s all went to the race though.”

The day started off with a dire omen. Lady Edith, the Crawley’s unfavorite daughter, has been suspiciously upbeat lately. The source notes: “Mary’s sister has always been known as “Poor Edith.” On the day of the race, Edith showed up with her employee, Laura Edmunds. Since when has Edith had friends and a social life? The universe is out of whack.”

There was a tragedy on the track, it looked like Henry may have died in a firey crash but actuality, it was his friend Charlie. The source says:  “Charlie’s death not only forced Mary to remember sad times but then Henry was in a bad mood and turned down the chance to have dinner with the Crawleys because he had to go comfort Charlie’s family. He really should have had his arms wrapped around Mary for the rest of the night, but instead he was distracted and thinking about other people. Mary was wearing a to-die-for red frock; he must be stark raving mad. Maybe it was the shock of losing his friend on the track. To make matters worse, the rest of the Crawleys didn’t spend much time focusing on Mary. When Lady Edith’s beau died, the family shrugged it off because Mary had just bobbed her hair. That’s how it’s always been.”

By the end of the evening, Lady Mary was back in the, pardon the pun, driver’s seat. Our snitch reveals: “Naturally, Henry soon remembered that the universe revolves around Lady Mary—as well it should—and he phoned her after dinner to make sure that she knows he’s madly in love with her. Mary broke up with him. She may have had a bad day but she still knows how to crush a man’s heart under her heel, even if he has just lost his friend. Look, Henry’s just lucky he didn’t die in her bed. She did seem kind of sad about breaking up with Henry, but it was a long day so it’s probably no cause for alarm. Lady Mary will be just fine.”

Downton Abbey airs at Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

TVRD: What’s the story behind your falling out with the Crawleys?

Downton Abbey: It’s been a long time coming, I’ve been putting up with a lot of antics for years, but the final straw came when they opened the doors to the public.

TVRD: You’re referring to the recent open house charity benefit, yes?

Downton Abbey: Yep, it has to do with that hospital subplot which nobody cares about. It is the least interesting subplot ever and that is saying something.

TVRD: Were you annoyed about having strangers traipse through the rooms?

Downton Abbey: That didn’t bother me, it was a chance to show off my grandeur. What bugged me is that not one of these dim bulbs knows anything about me. All these years together and to find out that none of the Crawleys knows the first thing about the artwork, architecture and history, it’s disheartening. Whenever a visitor asked about a detail, they looked like deer in the headlights.

TVRD: Why do you think that is?

Downton Abbey: Could be that they are self-absorbed nitwits. Lady Mary spent years trying to work around the entailment so I thought she would have more information about the home that has belonged to her family for generations. In fairness, she is quite busy gazing at herself in the mirror and being bored by all the men who are in love with her.

TVRD: How about Lady Edith? She must be knowledgeable about the estate.

Downton Abbey: Not really. I was surprised because she’s spent so many years being loveless and alone that you’d think she would have had more time for reading and studying up. On the other hand, she’s been plotting her escape from these jackals for years, so it probably never felt like home to her.

TVRD: What about the Earl of Grantham and Lady Cora?

Downton Abbey: He’s still recuperating from a burst ulcer and didn’t have anything to do with this so I’ll give him a pass. But there is no excuse for Lady Cora. She’s always drifting through the halls in a haze, I don’t know what she does all day. Maybe if she put down the painkillers and brandy, she’d have more time to learn about her home. She’s an American.

TVRD: Would you say you’re resentful?

Downton Abbey: Damn right, I’m bitter. Not only do I know all about the Crawleys, I know about monkey business in the servants’ quarters. That Thomas Barrow is always up to shenanigans. Quite a few of them have rap sheets and I’m not just talking about Mr. Bates. I know about Anna Bates’ pregnancy. I know about Mr. Carson’s and Mrs. Hughes’ sex life, which, shudder. Thank God they have their own cottage now because that’s TMI. Oh, the things I’ve seen. One time Lady Mary killed a man with her poisonous vagina.

TVRD: Would you care to expand on that?

Downton Abbey: I’ve said too much.

Downton Abbey airs Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

Our source reveals, “Neville didn’t really want to go but the Dowager Countess asked him to come and it’s hard to say no to Violet Crawly so he appeased her. That’s what Neville does, he just rolls over. Can you imagine if he had to handle a crisis?”

From the moment Chamberlain arrived things were rocky. “Lady Violet lunged at him to talk about the handling of the hospital—a subject that’s of little interest to anybody. To make things worse, Isobel Crawley was there and she engaged in the tug-of-war over the issue. Seriously, there are so many other things to discuss. I want to know why Lady Edith’s ward, little Marigold looks just like her. There has been all kinds of talk about that subject.”

It sounds like the quality of life at Downton is slipping. Our tattler reveals, “In the old days, there were so many servants that you could barely count them. I’m surprised guests don’t have to hang up their own coats now. I hear that the handful of staffers who remain are all plotting to get out. One of these days, the Crawleys are going to start organizing potlucks or serving frozen dinners, it’s that bad.”

Though Chamberlain had a rough night, it was even worse for host Robert Crawley. “Lord Robert stood up and just upchucked all over the table. I mean blood was flying everywhere, it was like a horror movie. It was so bad that it even snapped Lady Cora out of her drug-induced haze. She’s barely lucid half of the time so when she reacts to something, you know it’s a big deal. Neville told me he’s never returning again, which is probably for the best. The only Downton guest that’s ever had a worse night was that Turkish chap Kemal Pamuk. There have always been whisperings that Lady Mary killed him so Neville’s just lucky he made it out alive.”

Downton Abbey airs Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

In addition to rumored serial killer, Lady Mary, and poor luckless Lady Edith, there was another daughter, Sybil Crawley. Unlike the rest of the family, Lady Sybil stood up for the working class and had an interest in doing more than looking at herself in the mirror as a maid brushed her hair. Our source says: “Lady Sybil was as kind as she was beautiful and so different from her parents and sisters that it was thought she might be adopted. Her behavior was shocking. Once she went down to the servants’ quarters to ask for lessons on how to boil water. She had unusual notions about being a useful member of society and learning how to take care of herself and others. Lady Sybil actually cared enough about what was going on downstairs to remember the staffers’names. During the war, she worked as a nurse. It was crazy.”

The family was rocked when Lady Sybil fell in love with the chauffeur, Tom Branson. In addition to working for his money, Branson is Irish, which just made the situation more scandalous. Our source tattles: “Sybil didn’t marry for money or status, she actually loved her husband from the get-go. Her parents Robert and Cora Crawley sure can’t say that.”

The progressive poltergeist’s return was made clear during a recent visit from Gwen Harding, a former housemaid who left service behind for a career as a secretary and wound up marrying a prominent man. “Unaware that she was headed back to Downton, Gwen Harding visited with her new husband and dined with the family. Obviously, it was awkward. The Crawleys didn’t know who she was, she only worked at Downton for two years, so it’s not like they would have noticed her or spoken a few words or anything like that.”

Gwen shocked Lord and Lady Grantham with the news that they raised a decent human being. She recounted how Sybil not only bothered to acknowledge or speak to her but also secretly helped her get an interview for a secretarial job. It dawned on Lady Edith that perhaps they should be aware of the staff working and living downstairs. Lady Mary, of all people, confided in her maid, Anna Bates that, Lady Sybil was a superior human being. “No shit, Sherlock,” chuckles the tattler.

The visitation had an impact on the family, the source says: “When an area man, Mr. Mason lost his tenant farm, the Crawleys weren’t keen on helping out, but all the talk about Sybil’s decency moved them and they ended up giving him land to farm so now he won’t end up homeless begging for stale crusts of bread.”

So does this mean the Crawleys have changed their ways for good? “Not bloody likely,” says the source, the spirit of Lady Sybil will probably move on eventually—would you want to spend a lot of time with these people?

Downton Abbey airs Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

Downton Abbey has a new player, Glimmer of Hope. In this exclusive interview, the newbie explains that it will be involved in Lady Edith’s storyline.

TVRD: So, Hope, tell us a little bit about your character?

Hope: Well, Lady Edith has been suffering since the very beginning. Her luck has been awful and she’s dealt with all sorts of barbs from Lady Mary and even Lord Grantham and Lady Cora have gotten in a dig or two.

TVRD: What will you be doing on the show?

Hope: Giving Lady Edith a life of her own and a bit of, dare I say, happiness?

TVRD: How do you intend to do that?

Hope: Well, for starters, I had a sit-down with Julian Fellowes to discuss his abusive treatment of Edith, who has been portrayed as the unlovable one.

TVRD: What was his response?

Hope: He’s a cryptic one but he did seem to be open to the possibility of letting Edith have a fighting chance. It’s hard to say how serious he is, though. The rug has been pulled out from under her feet in the past.

TVRD: She has had some romantic problems.

Hope: That’s an understatement. She got some attention from that sketchy burn victim, who claimed to be the presumed-dead Patrick Crawley. That’s the one that was supposed to marry Mary and inherit the estate but died on the Titanic. This guy told Edith that he always loved her, not Mary, which is unlikely but then Lord Grantham got some evidence that “Patrick” was a big faker, so the dude just up and disappeared. He left  a vague goodbye letter for Edith so she’ll never know if he was the real Patrick or not. Then she was all set to marry that really old guy, Strallan, but he ditched her at the altar in front of all the wedding guests. She finally had a chance with Michael Gregson, who was age-appropriate and not a conman, he ended up getting killed by Nazis.

TVRD: At least Edith has Gregson’s daughter now so somebody loves her.

Hope: Too bad she can’t reveal that little Marigold is her child and not just her ward, but admitting to having a love child wouldn’t make Edith’s life any easier. it’s better than nothing. Now that she has inherited Gregson’s magazine, Edith really has something to occupy her time but that’s only the beginning.

TVRD: What else do you have planned?

Hope: She needs to get as far away as she can from that pack of jackals she calls a family. Her mom Lady Cora drifts about in some sort of haze and is never helpful and Lady Mary is a sociopath. You probably heard about the vagina killings. Fortunately, there’s the flat in London. And she just became reacquainted with Bertie Pelham, he seems to like her. There’s only one concern.

TVRD: What’s that?

Hope: I’ve only been signed to a short-term contract. So my days might be numbered. I am concerned that I’ll get killed off.

TVRD: Well, let’s just rally to keep Hope alive.

We love your witty comments, they don’t appear right away but we promise we’ll get to them.

Downton Abbey airs Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

TVRD: Hi Little Marigold. First, let me say that that it’s an honor to meet you.

Little Marigold: The pleasure is all mine. I’m just grateful for the attention.

TVRD: So the kidnapping drama. How is that affecting you?

Little Marigold: Drama? Drama? The whole thing was more of a farce. I thought this was going to be a real story, but it was barely filler.

TVRD: You sound resentful.

Little Marigold: You bet your sweet arse, I’m resentful. First of all, I am 3 years old so why wasn’t anyone watching me when we went to the village? I’ll tell you why, it’s because they were all focused on Aunt Mary’s pig contest. I got less attention than some freaking pigs!

TVRD: You referred to Lady Mary as your aunt. So you are confirming that you are, indeed, Edith Crawley’s daughter?

Little Marigold: Well, duh! Anyone could figure that out. Why else would Edith Crawley take an interest in me? She’s really not all that kind. People forget that she can be a total bitch. Aunt Mary hasn’t noticed because she can’t stop gazing at her own reflection and juggling handsome suitors and killing chaps in her bed. She doesn’t think any man would touch mother with a ten-foot pole.

TVRD: Hmm,  why do you think the abduction got so little attention?

Little Marigold: Why? Why? Isn’t it obvious? They were Aunt Mary’s pigs! Everyone cares about Aunt Mary. This whole show is about Aunt Mary. It always has been and it always will be. Ensemble, my arse. The only time it’s not about Aunt Mary is when it’s about our servants, John and Anna Bates. Anna is Mary’s maid, so of course, that’s why she’s important. I don’t think my mother even has a maid. I think if Aunt Sybil had lived, it would have been about her too. She wasn’t self-absorbed like the rest of these dreadful people so she would probably have paid attention to me.

TVRD: They do get the most attention. Do you think there is less interest in Lady Edith?

Little Marigold: Do I really have to answer that? Her whole existence is based on schadenfreude, okay? And if I may go back to the Bateses for a moment, there is more focus on their hope for a child than an existing child. I mean, gah!

TVRD: I see your point.

Little Marigold: It just is so vexing. Remember when Lord Grantham’s dog went missing? Everybody was concerned about that. Aunt Mary and Anna are still talking about Kemal Pamuk, that pillow-lipped Turkish chap who Aunt Mary murdered with sex.

TVRD: There are rumors that you have taken action. Can you confirm or deny?

Little Marigold: I can say that I have taken action, I’ve reported the show to CPS.

TVRD: Child Protective Services?

Little Marigold: No. Child Plot Services. Maybe they’ll give me a costume and I can dress up like Aunt Mary’s livestock.

Downton Abbey airs Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

As always the infamous Crawley family is rife with scandal and intrigue, but now it turns out that the manor house itself is in the midst of a crisis. In a bombshell interview, Downton Abbey speaks out about its fears for the future.

Amidst rumors that the great house might be obsolete, Downton reflects on its legendary history. “You should have seen me in 1912. There were so many servants bustling about that you didn’t even know all their names. Housemaids, footmen, a full kitchen staff. Oh, those were the days. Now, you could practically count the staff on one hand and who knows what most of them do all day. Take that Mr. Bates, when he’s not behind bars, he spends an awful lot of time sitting on his bum in the servants’ hall. Does he even come above-stairs anymore?”

The legendary home was once the center of social activity. “Oh, we had the grandest house parties. Our garden parties, benefit concerts and cricket matches were the dog’s bollocks. Did you know that when we went to war, the locals heard the news right here at a garden party? And I even opened my doors as a convalescent home for soldiers. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen. Not to tell tales out of school, but this sexy Turk, Mr. Pamuk, visited for a hunt one time and he was keen on Lady Mary, of course. Nearly every man who sees her is keen on Lady Mary. Poor Edith. Let’s just say there was a bit of how’s your father? She killed him with her poisonous vagina but there was a coverup.”

Downtown Abbey places the blame for the current precarious state of affairs squarely on the shoulders of the Earl of Grantham. “You know Lord Grantham only married Lady Cora so he could hold on to me, right? It’s true, it was a financial arrangement. Why else do you think he would wed that somnambulant American, who just drifts about the place in some sort of haze. She must be on horse tranquilizers or something. You know how these nouveau riche American women are. Their money can’t buy them into high society at home so they come over here and get married to some guy with a title trying to hold on to his estate. Lady Cora bet on the wrong Brit, though. You can always count on the earl to cock up financial matters. In 1920, we found out that he’d poured a lot of money into the Grand Trunk Railway and we were nearly bankrupt. He did mention investing with some Italian chap, I think his name was Charles Ponzi, but I don’t know what came of that. Matthew told Lord Grantham that he needed to handle things differently but then Matthew just abruptly left. They say Matthew faked his death and went to Hollywood, but who knows? Nobody ever heard from him again, so he probably should have stuck around.”

Downton Abbey is concerned about what’s happening with area estates. “The family’s friends are selling off their homes and auctioning their belongings. I overheard Lord Grantham talking to the Dowager Countess and he made some crack like, ‘Who lives as we used to now?’ At the risk of being paranoid, I’m really starting to wonder about that fire in Lady Edith’s bedroom last year. They called it an accident, but I don’t know.”

The home hopes that things aren’t as dire as they appear. “Despite what they’re saying, the Crawleys tend to move on and forget about things. One minute everyone is concerned about something and then it’s never brought up again. Except for that whole Mr. Green thing with Anna and Bates back in 1922. We had to hear about that for three years, but thank God they wrapped that up recently. I hope we don’t have to wait that long to find out about my fate.”

We love hearing from Downton Abbey fans. Comments don’t appear right away, but we’ll get to them as soon as we can find a servant.

Downton Abbey airs Sundays at 9/8c on PBS Masterpiece.

An insider tattles, “When this bright-eyed chick popped out of nowhere in 1920, it was generally assumed that she would be a royal pain in the neck.”

Those fears were well-founded. Cousin Oliver’s perkiness and sense of adventure were problematic. The spy says,” That girl was was just determined to be madcap. It’s like she stumbled onto the wrong estate. She might have gotten on better at Gosford Park, those people like to be amused.”

Lady Cousin Oliver managed to irritate the Upstairs and the Downstairs. A lady’s maid reports, “Lady Cousin Oliver pestered me until I agreed to take her to a dance hall, she caught they eye of a commoner and pretended to be a servant. Of course this led to trouble, he showed up at the manor and that tinkly music played. Ugh. That tinkly music is always a cue that something whimsical is happening. In any case, the whole sham ended up with Lady Oliver dressed in a maid’s outfit because … reasons. Fortunately, storylines are always dropped lickety-split so that nonsense only lasted for a few minutes.”

A Crawley who asked to remain nameless, took time away from gazing at herself in the mirror to report, “Cousin Oliver was determined to drag us kicking in screaming into a new era, an era before a high-born lady could bob her hair. Downton’s kinda on the — how should I put it? — monochromatic side. Cousin Oliver got involved with an American singer and kicked off that whole ‘Look Who’s Coming to Dinner’ storyline. We didn’t actually invite him to dinner, naturally, that would have been too much. I must hand it to her, for a brief moment Cousin Oliver seemed sincere until she gleefully announced how the marriage would make her mother’s face crumble. Have you seen Lady Flintshire? That face is already unfortunate, why do more damage?”

The Crawey notes, “Recently, Cousin Oliver has kept herself scarce, so we had time to forget her and focus on other things. How do you like my hair? Do you think it needs updating?”

Our insider says, “She actually did something kind by taking a basket of cakes to the poor Russians and we grudgingly had to admit that Lady Cousin Oliver is not totally useless.”

Lady Cousin Oliver’s new husband, Atticus Aldridge, agreed to speak on the record. “We have a lot in common. Her mother is a bigot and my father is a bigot so it was a good fit. We decided to meet, fall in love and wed in three episodes because Lady Cora warned us to do it before our storyline got dropped.”

Tom Branson is said to be bitter about this development. He was thisclose to being the most pleasant member of the family but blew his chances when he kept forcing mouthy dinner guest, Sarah Bunting, and her floppy hats on everyone. Now he’s making noises about going to America to get into the farm equipment business, which is obviously a stupid idea.

To seal the deal, Lady Cousin Oliver actually gasped when one of her in-laws’ servants was rude to Branson. It was an audible gasp, so she really doubled-down on the niceness. She also performed a good deed to prevent her awful father-in-law from humiliation, so that seals the deal. Cousin Oliver is not so bad, after all.

The drama never stops at Downton Abbey. Rumors swirl that one of the servants is a killer —it might not even be Mr. Bates this time. It probably is, though.

John and Anna Bates are pleading with writers to wrap up the whole who-killed-Mr. Green-mystery. Mr. and Mrs. Bates point out that Mr. Green deserved to get pushed in front of a bus, they just would like to have a scene that doesn’t involve talking about this two-year-old case anymore. Insiders say that the moment earlier this season when the couple needlessly quarreled over Lady Mary’s birth control was a blessed relief.

The tightly wound valet says, “Look, this guy just happened to die on a day when I just happened to supposedly be in York. That was in 1922. I don’t even remember why I was in York anymore. Shouldn’t Anna have been with me? I can’t keep track of this mess.”

Lady’s maid Anna says, “Obviously, my husband probably killed Mr. Green. He probably killed his first wife, too. If it wasn’t Mr. Green it would have been someone else. That’s just the way John is, he polishes silver and makes menacing faces during the day and then goes on the hunt at night.  When characters leave the Abbey never to be seen again, it’s because he lurks around the train station and probably kills them. Trust me when I say that the annoying Miss Sarah Bunting never made it to her new job. That said, we’d like to move on with our lives now.”

An insider notes that this story might have been over and done with if head housekeeper Mrs. Hughes was capable of minding her own business. “Yes, she found an incriminating ticket to York in Bates’ coat pocket, but what was she doing rifling through his pockets anyway? Why couldn’t she just give the ticket back to him? She needs her own story to focus on.”

Evan Lady Mary stopped thinking about herself long enough to help out. “Mrs. Hughes brought the ticket to me. I’m quite fond of Anna and she stuck by me when I killed Mr. Pamuk with my poisonous vagina so I tried to help. I just burned the ticket and thought that was that. I had no idea the writers would still be whipping this dead horse. We didn’t hear as much about Matthew’s death as this guy’s.”

Thomas Barrow says the couple shouldn’t complain. “My big scene this episode was following an extra that nobody cares about to a speakeasy nobody cares about to protect him from a maid nobody cares about. I miss the early days with O’Brien when we were plotting and smoking, smoking and plotting. One day you’re shooting off your own hand to get out of the war, the next you’re worrying about some random character we’ll probably never see again.”

Ex-con Bates concedes that he’s getting so confused by this plot, he can’t remember if he killed Green but he’s certain that Anna is innocent. “Obviously Anna didn’t do this so I’m not sure why that’s been suggested. Right now I’m so mad at the writers, I could just murder them….”

I was so close. I was this close. For one glorious moment, I fled the Abbey. I was liberated from these ghastly, shallow, entitled people. I hid in a place they’d never find me, and by that I mean, London.

I assumed they’d all still be focused on Mary’s bob, or that guy who came to dinner once in 1920, drugged Tom and returned four years later to be rude to Isobel.

It was unlikely the servants would notice. Have I ever had a scene downstairs? Mama did because she had something or other to say in 1912. Sybil was down there to learn how to make tea and bake cakes because she was far and away the best member of this crew. Cousin Oliver went down there once or twice because she’s supposed to be madcap. Even Mary went into the kitchen and scrambled an egg. Who knew that one could do anything other than swan about and have ennui? It’s crazy that Mother emerged from her haze long enough to comprehend that I was missing!

Getting as far away from this oblivious lot would have been the wise move. All the staff seem to be plotting their escape. (How my family will feed themselves is a mystery). Dr. Clarkson says that in 50 years my actions will be known as Stockholm Syndrome.

In any case, I plan to change my life starting right now! I have my “adopted” daughter, Marigold, and it’s quite vital that she’ll have a better life than mine. During my two days in London, I picked up a book, that Miss Havisham is soooo inspiring.

Until next time,

Edith