The Royals: “Our Wills and Fates Do So Contrary Run” — May 17, 2015



Princess Eleanor and Jasper on The Royals on E!In tough times, we find out what we’re made of. It’s been about a day or so since Liam was told that he’s no longer a prince, so the one-time future king ran off to a tavern to sing badly, brawl, have visions of his comatose father and wind up bloodied and crying in the rain. That’s kind of Prince Lame, but he makes up for it later. Coffee Girl somehow found him off-screen and got him back to Buckingham. Now that he’s unburdened by the duties of the monarchy he and Coffee Girl are free have cutesy discussions about caffeinated beverages in peace without being hounded by the paparazzi. After promising to run away with Ophelia, Liam finds a way to get around having to fly in economy class like a commoner, he essentially orders future-king Cyrus to let him hop a ride on the royal jet. This is the beginning of a happy ending, Liam will not back out after a six-hour flight, right?

As usual, Princess Eleanor is a BAMF and handles everything better than everyone else. Sultry brunettes, sporting smoky eyes and black leather can do whatever they damn well please. That’s why her plans always work out better than Ophelia’s and Gemma’s. She turns to Jasper for help. It goes like this:

Princess Eleanor: Remember the time I was in a snit and I got you arrested?

Jasper: Yeah.

Eleanor: I’m here to bail you out. Somebody might be trying to kill me. Dealing with a liar who kind of forced me into blackmail sex and, uh, “bowed down” to service, my mother, the Queen is my best option.

Jasper: I can never say no to you. Let’s go meet Brandon, that hooded stranger, who told you he killed Prince Robert. What could possibly go wrong?

Jasper really does have Eleanor’s back, though, he’s stashed plenty of firearms in her room in case she needs protection. He didn’t actually tell her about them until just now, which is unhelpful, but let’s just go with it. Jasper also says he only serviced the Queen because she blackmailed him with the threat to reveal his true identity. Irony. Eleanor and Jasper make the ill-advised decision to meet, Brandon, the hooded man under a bridge, what is he, a troll? He’s definitely a mercenary, who was paid to kill the prince in a drone strike or something and wants to ease his conscience. He suspects the palace was involved in Robert’s death.

TThe six-hour flight goes smoothly enough. The lovebirds get to enjoy the royal salted nuts (not that kind, pervs!) but then things get weird. It seems that when Liam passed out, the pendant he usually wears was replaced with another one, bearing a strange symbol Then Liam finds Dr. Cohen’s cell phone on the jet. The doctor who administered Liam and Eleanor’s paternity test apparently left London in a hurry, which is fishy. By the time the plane lands in New York, Liam tells  Ophelia he’s going back home, to avenge the attack on his father. He says they’ll be together “someday.” Getting the boot after six-hour flight stinks. At least Ophelia has her dance audition. The judges don’t look impressed. They’re always hiring at Starbucks

Elaine dances on Seinfeld.

In order to win over the public, Queen Elizabeth Hurley sits down for a confessional televised interview, tries to look ashamed of herself and reveals the name of her children’s father. Alistair Lacey is watching with bated breath for her to say his name, but Queen Elizebeth Hurley claims  some other guy, Henry, is the father. It gets worse, Lucius visits Alistair and says that the Queen needs him to steer clear for a while, then armed men enter Alistair’s home and shots are fired. That message to leave the Queen alone seems unnecessary now.

Liam returns to the palace, confronts Cyrus and beats the shit out of him. Gotta say I’m impressed with Liam. Not so much with Cyrus, who just cowers and whimpers. I guess Cyrus is more of a lover than a fighter. The beatdown comes to an end when Marcus enters to tell Liam to take his hands off the King. Yes, that means King Simon has flatlined. Cyrus enthusiastically removes the royal ring from his dead brother and places it on his own finger. Then he sits on the throne by himself.  It’s lonely at the top. Well, he’ll always have his two hideous redheaded daughters and that new baby. Forgot to mention, Prudence the Sexually Harassed maid is pregnant. Well, that certainly sounds like a royal mess.

Liam grieves the king, Eleanor grieves the king, Queen Liz Hurley applies lip gloss and smirks.

Elaine G. Flores, Chief Editor
Elaine is the chief editor of TV Recappers' Delight. She's an experienced entertainment reporter, reviewer, editor, blogger, columnist and Bon Vivant.

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