The Bachelorette: Season 12–Episode 5
Bachelorette expert and Canadian import, Andrée H. is ready to send some of these contestants home–maybe in the back of an ambulance. I can’t disagree. Take it away, Andrée. — Elaine F.
I should start by saying that I deeply wanted to boycott this season, and I am upset by my lack of willpower. I have no interest in JoJo, other than her hometown dates due to the brothers, yet here I am glued to my TV. The Bachelor franchise and the reason for that can be summed up in one word: Chad. He’s the best. She needs to marry him. I’m so upset he got voted off but I’m hanging on for at least one more episode because I know it starts with Chad on a manhunt, and really that’s how I prefer my Chad. Tuning in!
Andrée: I hope Chad just goes crashing in there and starts smashing faces.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I want to see some rearranged faces, especially Evan, the wimpy ex-pastor and erectile dysfunction expert.
Andrée: They are having a mock funeral for him? Seriously I hate these guys. Just all of them. Get ’em Chad!
Elaine: The menacing whistling in the woods is fabulous. Go get ‘em, Chad. Thank you for being the only real man on the show. Welp, the remaining contestants can enjoy girls’ night. Maybe they’ll give each other mani-pedis and have slow-mo pillow fights.
Andrée: The guys are all scared shitless that Chad is at the door. I love it. Of course. it’s Jordan trying to diffuse the situation, he’s probably used to dealing with hotheads. Chad and Jordan are going to throw down. YESSSS! Shut up Evan, you’d never talk to Chad like that without security standing behind the cameras. Boooo, no fight that was lame.
Elaine: I’ll miss Chad’s Alpha male badassery. May you spend your days with a girl who appreciates you. Try not to hogtie her in a bunker, though, ‘k?
Andrée: They baked a cake? These guys are just too much pussy for me to handle.
Elaine: Word. When JoJo has her hometown dates, I want her unhinged brothers to turn to her and say, “What were you thinking? Chad’s the man.”
Andrée: Now that Chad is gone I am already finding myself tuning out.
Andrée: Poem. Vote him out.
Elaine: Who is that? Don’t tell me. He’s not Chad. I don’t care. I hate poetry. A man who tries to woo you with poetry should be immediately dismissed. Don’t wait, just get up and call Uber. Who is this dude who interrupted the poetry reading? He looks familiar?, is he from a previous season? You know what? Don’t tell me. I don’t even care.
Andrée: These guys are all just a blur to me at this point. I think Jordan is my new favorite. I like that he just threw her up against a wall and took her. I also like him because I suspect he’s in it for fame and not JoJo. I know that makes me a bitch but I’m okay with it.
Elaine: If you don’t have anything nice to say, then come sit by me. I do hope Jordan is here for the wrong reason. A kiss up-against-the wall kiss is swoon-worthy. He just put the rest of the ladies competing for JoJo on notice. I’d actually, I’d like Evan to stick around long enough to suffer some real lasting humiliation. The kind of embarrassment that will follow him. You know, like Chris Christie. I want blubbering. He triggers my bitch switch.
Andrée: I agree. If we had to suffer through him it should be for a good reason. What is Daniel going on about? He does not represent all Canadians.
Elaine: He’s no Justin Trudeau, who is in my Top 5 Canadians I Love list. Here is the order: Andrée, Andrée’s Mom, Justin Trudeau and Ryan Gosling. The fifth spot is open. Sorry, Drake. Any chance you had was ruined by the “Hotel Bling” video. Daniel is not handling his exit with grace.
Andrée: I love that list. We’ve got some great Canadians but we have a few bad apples as well, Justin Beiber kind of ruined our good name. I’m glad they are somewhere warm although she doesn’t really have any hot men so it’s a bit of a waste. The guys are not happy at all that Jordan gets the first one-on-one in Uruguay. He’s so going to break her heart I can’t wait. Here we go now everyone is going to hate Jordan instead of Chad. Totally makes me more Team Jordan. Why are these guys even allowed to have gossip magazines?
Elaine: Why wouldn’t they? Ladies like gossip mags. And they are sitting in salon chairs? Wait, whaaaaaa? Is this article claiming that Chad was her real boyfriend? Oh, I see. Her ex-boyfriend just happened to be named Chad. Whaaaa, she met Jordan’s ex?
Andrée: When did JoJo have a chance to meet this girl? Was this staged by the producers?He’s having to defend himself and he doesn’t even know what girl she is referencing. He’s an athlete, I’m sure he’s screwed over women thousands of ways.
Elaine: You would make a great crisis-management expert like Olivia Pope. That would be your statement to the press: “He’s an athlete, I’m sure he’s screwed over women thousands of ways.”
Andrée: I’d also add what did you people really expect? Come on now. They are going out of their way to try to work out some drama with her and her ex. I remembered they pulled this crap last season too and it ended up being nothing.
Elaine: Oh, yes. I remember her fake crying in Ben’s season. She was on a hometown date and was “surprised” that her ex left a note for her. Ah, more fake crying. JoJo is still a horrible actress. She should have taken an improv class between seasons.
Andrée: I would love it if some guys would walk out on her right now, but of course they will be all supportive. Boo-hoo. Welcome to your 15 minutes of fame. Guess what? When you are famous you show up in gossip rags. Stop crying. You suck.
Andrée: Wait, how can you be in love with JoJo when I don’t even know who you are, Robby?
Elaine: I’ve never seen him before. Did he just walk in off the street?
Andrée: This Luke guy creeps me out. He strikes me as a date rapist or something. Kind of an American Psycho vibe.
Elaine: Don’t leave your drink unattended, JoJo. Time for the group date rose. And it goes to a man I have never seen before. He’s not Chad. Ah, I see, his name is Derek. Alex, some guy who is not Chad, is pissed off but pretending he’s okay.
Andrée: Clearly you do want the pity rose or you wouldn’t be bitching about it, Alex.
Elaine: JoJo likened her feelings for Robby to puppy love. She also called him “sensitive.” Poor Robby is doomed. Go immediately to the Friend Zone. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Andrée: Holy Good Lord. Robby’s like the third guy tonight who told JoJo he’s falling in love with her. What is going on? Is there something in the water there? They just can’t get enough of the kissing in front of fireworks shots on this show.
Elaine: That’s probably some B-roll that they edited in or a green screen or whatever. I
Andrée: You just gave me a fantastic image of these dates all being a terrible sham and really they are just standing on their marks waiting to get in front of a green screen. Three losers getting sent home, excellent! Evan will be one for sure.
Elaine: But Evan hasn’t been sufficiently humiliated enough on national TV yet.
Andrée: I don’t really feel one way or another about any of these guys, but I’m glad to see Evan finally packing. That firefighter Grant is a cute, strong chin, she probably should have kept him around over the serial killer.
Elaine: But the serial killer could make for “the most shocking episode ever!”
Andrée’s Final Thoughts
It was a boring episode but it did serve one solid purpose, got rid of a ton of guys that we didn’t know even existed. Jordan is my new frontrunner, but for the next Bachelor not for JoJo’s heart. I don’t even have a sweet clue who she’s going to end up with. Sigh, I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC