13 OMG OITNB Moments
You’ve binged through Season Three of Orange is The New Black, yes? If not, avert your eyes, there are spoilers ahead.
Okay, still reading? Let’s go!
- Nicky goes to Max. Toxic Queen Bee Vee is gone, but she left destruction — and heroin — in her wake. At the end of Season Two Nicky found the stash. Vee escaped and the recovering junkie had all that access to dope. To sell it, Nicky foolishly partnered with shifty electrician Joel Luschek. Caputo was tipped off and confronted Luschek, who, of course, pinned all the blame on Nicky. The inmate was transferred from the relatively cushy penitentiary to maximum security. The last shot of Nicky riding off in the van was haunting. Miss Claudette was sent to Max in Season One and we never saw her again.
- Bennett drives off. Honestly, I was so over Dayanara and her pregnancy story. She’s moped around since that first day at Litchfield when she arrived with Piper and Janae. Her pregnancy began in the 2013 season so that’s two years of watching her waddle about and make poor decisions. Her not-so-secret lover, corrections officer John Bennett insisted that he and Daya could raise the child, he proposed and then after spending a day with Daya’s unpleasant family, he sped off and didn’t come back. Poor Daya, even though she annoys me, she deserved a goodbye.
- Sophia gets attacked. When Sophia and Gloria had a major argument this season, Sophia acted out of character and shoved Gloria. The other inmates then either harassed, ostracized or avoided Sophia. (Taystee didn’t want to get involved so she went to rival hairstylist Danita, which resulted in an unfortunate weave.) Things turned ugly when some menacing inmates cornered Sophia in her salon and demanded that she take off her pants. Sophia ended up with cuts all over her face, emotional scars and the only “help” she got was to be placed in protective custody, which means she was put in isolation at the dreaded SHU. Caputo has been fighting to free Sophia, but who knows what condition she’ll be in if she gets out? I’ll be worried about this until next season.
- Crazy Eyes has fangirls. Her penchant for quoting Shakespeare was a hint, but who knew Crazy Eyes would emerge as a prolific writer of erotica? It was disturbing erotica that involves “time humps” and includes a character made of Vaseline, but it was popular. Crazy Eyes had to consistently deal with an obsessive prison fandom and the horror of having her work turned into fan-fic.
- Morello gets revenge and a husband. Technically, Lorna didn’t merit the right to take revenge, she is the one who stalked “fiancée” Christopher and targeted him and his girlfriend with a pipe bomb. That said, Christopher did seem a little douchey. When she started exchanging love letters with guys who want to date women in prison, she persuaded one of them to pay Kwist-tuh-fuh a visit. The kind of visit that one of Tony Soprano’s goons might make. Beating up another man is a sign of love. Lorna finally got her wedding, albeit in a prison, and the happy couple enjoyed honeymoon sex, up against a vending machine.
- The books are burned at Litchfield Library as a casualty of a bed bug-infestation. The library probably offered more serenity than a Yoga Jones class. It was a sanctuary, especially for Taystee and Poussey. We hope Poussey got around to reading one of Taystee’s favorites, Outlander.
- Leanne is Amish. Pennsatucky’s former flunky didn’t seem to be more than a not-too-bright follower and meth head. It turns out that Leeanne was raised Amish. It looks like she got wild during Rumspringa, but she returned to the fold and the bonnet until she was shunned for being a police informant. Leeanne has previously dormant layers.
- Black Cindy converts to Judaism. It all started when Black Cindy found out that instead of the new mass-produced prison slop, she could eat tasty kosher food. Black Cindy’s scheme to convince a rabbi she was Jewish by referencing Woody Allen and Barbra Streisand movies, failed, but her persistence resulted in a sincere desire to convert.
- We felt bad for Pennsatucky. It’s hard to imagine that the inmate who was a toothless, violent, racist, lesbian-hating, religious nut of Season One would be so sympathetic. Pennsatucky really did have a tragic background, as far as we’ve seen so far, maybe one of the most tragic. That does not let her off the hook for her past behavior, but she is evolving enough that Big Boo is her best friend, and she tries to correct herself when saying something racially offensive. Of course, she still says things that our racially offensive, but she’s trying.
- Big Boo is a Mama Bear. Who knew? Big Boo has always been one of my favorite characters, despite being a perverted, conniving snitch, she’s smart and entertaining. She displayed such kindness to Pennsatucky, attempted to educate her a bit by sharing theories from Freakonomics and was ready to go scorched earth when Pennsatucky was raped.
- Caputo and Fig are frenemies with benefits. After that pathetic scene when Natalie Figueroa tried to buy Caputo’s silence with a blowjob, we figured that was a one-time atrocity. She did discover that Caputo is well-endowed, which earned him the unsettling nickname “Beer can” during his college days. Maybe that’s what did the trick, they meet regularly for hate-sex and self-loathing. Hey, whatever works.
- Crazy Eyes gives good side-eye. She spent the entire season looking at other inmates like they were nuts. She had good reason to, the Litchfield ladies are kind of loco.
- Piper is a straight-up bitch. Piper became a control freak after starting a used-panties business for fetishists. Piper made big bucks while her workers received flavoring packs to season the awful prison food. Flaca roused the others to demand fair wages. Piper agreed and then she gleefully fired Flaca. Alex was appalled that the rich girl would do that to a woman who really needs money. When she found out that her new love interest, Stella, had stolen money from her, Piper set Stella up days before her release so that Stella would end up in Shu for a long, long time. Stella did the wrong thing, but Piper was cruel. She needs to be starved out again.
- The women go free. Not permanently, but a hole in the fence allowed most of our favorite Litchfield ladies to joyously frolic in a lake. It’s the sweetest most uplifting jailbreak ever.
To read about some favorite comedic moments, you can read my guest post at The Root.
Have a favorite OMG moment you’d like to share, please leave a comment? Comments don’t appear instantly, but we will get to them.