TV Commentator: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle captured hearts when Harry declared his love and said: Aw hell naw, Karen.

Tha Usual Suspects on Social Media: Why are you enjoying this? There’s suffering in the world. Hold still while I give you the Dementor’s kiss.

The Rest of Us: 

TV Fashion Commentator: Whatever dress Meghan Markle wears is going to get copied by everyone because she’s such a fashion icon. We haven’t seen a royal influence style since Princess Diana!

Kate Middleton: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Newsflash! Meghan has pushed back her hotel departure by 15 minutes. No, Meghan, if we are up this early in the morning to see you get married, you better get in that car now, girl.

TV Commentator: Look, there is a blurry shot of the bride in a Rolls with her mum, Doria Ragland! We can’t see much of anything. Let’s hypothesize. She’s probably holding her mum’s hand. I bet she’s excited. She’s probably saying, “Wheeeeeeee!”

The Audience: 

Royal Commentator: Prince Harry is the most popular royal ever. Well, after the Queen maybe.

Royal Commentator 2: Quite right. Prince William is also popular.

Royal Commentator 3: Yes, the most popular living royals are the Queen, Prince Harry, and Prince William. Are we forgetting anyone?

Prince Charles: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Royal Commentator 4: Oh, right. We almost forgot Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie.

Prince Charles: FML.

Step and repeat time!

Here comes Amal Clooney rocking a yellow Stella McCartney dress. Right behind her is Posh Beckham wearing a scowl. There’s Harry’s ex-girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, I think that look is called second thoughts.

The moment has arrived, there she is, Miss America! Let the service begin! 

Just gonna say, Doria Ragland is a remarkable woman. I can’t even fathom what she must be thinking and feeling as her daughter makes history. (And I love this little moment when Prince Harry glances over at his future mother-in-law to make sure she’s okay.)

Speaking of historic events, Prince Harry accomplishes an amazing feat when he sees his bride. Prince Harry is the first white man ever to be able to pull off a sexy lip bite.

Women Across The World (And some of you gents!):

Warning: Don’t try this at home, white men! You’re not Prince Harry.

It’ll end up looking like a Pinterest fail.

And now let’s have a few words from Bishop Michael Curry.

And by “a few words” I mean we’re going to black church. Start fishing around in your purse for the love offering and settle in.

The Royal Family:     

Queen Elizabeth:

Bishop Curry: Imma ’bout to wrap up. Take it to the bridge!

Meghan Markle:

Prince Harry:

Us: Yes, we would like a mocha baby with red hair immediately. Don’t just stand there, get to it.

And the new Duke and Duchess of Sussex lived happily ever. The End.

Harry: Life, Loss, and Love by Katie Nicholl
The author has been reporting on the Royal Family forever so she offers a standard biography. I’ll just go ahead and admit that I wouldn’t have picked it up were it not for Megs (I get to call her that because we’re totally besties), so the juiciest info relates to Prince Harry’s love life. There’s Zimbabwean-born Chelsy Davy, whose hobbies include wrestling crocodiles and breaking Prince Harry’s heart and some other girl, Cressida Bonas, who is not Meghan so who really cares? The author doesn’t get around to Meghan until Chapter 12 out of 16 and any self-respecting fan is already familiar with what’s covered.
Summary: Prince Sexy has been known to have a roving eye. He better not even think about it.
Rating: 

Prince Harry: The Inside Story by Duncan Larcombe
If you’re only going to read one Harry book, which means you probably have your own life, this is the one to read. Duncan Larcombe is the former royal editor of The Sun and has plenty of entertaining anecdotes from personal experience. Prince Harry has pulled a couple of pranks on Larcombe, who obviously has a soft spot for the rogue royal. The book was updated after the engagement so there are only two chapters about Megs, but it’ll arm you with insight that will serve you well when the Duke and Duchess of Sussex pop in for a cuppa.
Summary: We seriously want to down some Pimm’s with Prince Harry. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Rating: 

Meghan: A Hollywood Princess by Andrew Morton
I was on the fence about this one because Morton, who authored Diana: Her True Story, is kind of shady. Press mentions of the book focused on supposedly less-flattering details offered up by some Bitterella who used to be besties with Megs but got replaced by me. Most of the book is positive, but you know, haters gotta hate (Andrew Morton’s gotta egg it on). It seems like Morton just recently Googled “interracial marriage” and learned about Loving v. Virginia because he will not shut up about it. One tasty tidbit: Samantha Markle, Meghan’s ugly stepsister, has always been trifling and a bit mental.
Summary: OMG, you guys, Google says interracial marriage used to be illegal!
Rating: 

American Princess: The Love Story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry by Leslie Carroll
Leslie Carroll is totes invited to come hang out with Megs and me, just three American girls sipping Tignanello and dishing about The Crown. The author, who specializes in royal romances, is all in when it comes to the Meghan love.
Summary: Say anything negative about these two and Leslie Carroll will cut a bitch.
Rating:          

Life’s big events reunite friends and family, especially a happy event like a wedding. Welp, our bestie Meg is getting married next week so TVRD is back from hiatus, baby. We’re super psyched about the royal wedding because of our personal ties to the bride and groom. Elaine has watched Suits and visited Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace so that counts, right?

Anyway, Lifetime will surely handle this in a purely factual and artistic manner. Oh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a glorious shitshow in a fascinator. Have yourself a glass of Tignanello with a side of shame and let’s go!

The Prince Harry Origin Story Fairy:  Ello, Guv’Nor. Let’s have a cuppa while I reduce Harry’s complex life down to three episodes. His mum died, he wore a Nazi outfit and got nekkid in Vegas. Welp, peace out. No reason to fill in the blanks when the writers are making this up anyway.

The Meghan Markle Origin Story Fairy: Heeeeeey, girl! She’s half black. The writers think that means she’s half sassy. Okay, you go girl. And um, don’t get it twisted.

First date time!

Prince Harry: Hi, I’m a prince. And according to the iffy narrative going on in this movie, a douche. I thought you might be ugly so my manservant is going to interrupt in a while so I can get out of this situation. Too bad I don’t have opposable thumbs, if I did, I’d know to Google you.

Meghan Markle: Hi, I’m Wallis Simpson. I’ll probably be snapping and neck rolling before the next commercial. And, so help me Jesus, if that commercial is sexist, Imma cut a bitch up in here.

Prince Harry: Invictus games.

Meghan Markle: Suits.

Prince Harry: I love you.

Meghan Markle: I love you too.

Prince Harry: Let’s go to Botswana.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Here we are in Botswana. I’m now going to freak you out with this big snake.

Meghan Markle: Say, what now?

Prince Harry: My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Meghan Markle: What?

Prince Harry: It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Now that we’re in love I have to go home and make everyone lose their shit.

Back at Buckingham Kensington Clarence House Palace

Prince Harry: Hi, Kate. Hi, Uncle Prince Andrew.

Prince William: I’m not Uncle Andrew, Harry.

Prince Harry: Sorry! Hi, Uncle Prince Edward.

Prince William: I’m your brother, Harry.

Prince Harry: Oh, sorry. Aren’t we supposed to be three years apart? Why are you 50?

Prince William: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Prince Harry: So, what do you think of my girlfriend?

Kate Middleton: Oh, my God, Becky. Look at her butt.

Prince Harry: Right? I’ll bring her around for our next combo tea party/polo match.

One week later (Maybe)

Meghan Markle: Hi.

The Royals: Hi. We need a composite character for the audience to hate. Here’s Bella.

Meghan Markle: Okay. Hi, Bella.

Bella: Hi. I’m really bitchy but I also don’t actually exist.

Meghan Markle: I’ve heard enough.

Prince Harry: Hey, girl. Why are you outside by yourself? Didn’t you have fun talking to that composite character?

Meghan Markle: Nope.

Prince Harry: Was she racist? Was she an online troll?

Meghan Markle: Forget it.

Prince Harry: No! I will not. She’s a troll. Trollllllllllll!

Meghan Markle: I’m going home.

Racists gotta racist. Trolls gotta troll. In one of the few factual elements, Prince Harry is having none of it. Once the press starts throwing shade, he releases that statement. The one that launched a thousand swoons. But Meghan Markle is not swooning.  She mad. She so mad.  In a made-up scenario, Meghan Markle is at home with her mom, Doria Ragland, when she hears about the statement on the news. It goes like this.

Meghan Markle: How dare Prince Harry make this grand romantic gesture? I’m a grown-ass woman. I’m no damsel. Blah, blah.

Prince Harry: Knock, knock.

Meghan Markle: Go away!

Prince Harry: What?

Meghan Markle: Bye.

Doria Ragland: What the hell, Meghan Markle? That was dreamy AF.

Meghan Markle: What’s that sound?

Doria Ragland: Harry is outside with a boombox playing “In your Eyes.” Please go get that boy.

Meghan Markle: Okay, I’ll wait until he gets to the airport.

At the airport, Prince Harry and his boombox get on the plane and Meghan Markle decides she’s going to make her anguished declaration of love right before liftoff.

Meghan Markle: Hi, TSA Lady. Mind if I run out on the tarmac all crazy?

TSA Lady: Where did you come from? Do you have a boarding pass?

Meghan Markle: Never mind, just give me a microphone. Is this thing on? Testing, testing. And I… will always love you. I… will always love you. Ooh.

Prince Harry: Jolly good.

Back in London, it’s time for Pippa Middleton’s wedding. In real life, though Meg wasn’t at the ceremony,  she attended the reception, but screw reality. In this version, Meg was sort of snubbed which probably delights old legendary racist Princess Michael of Kent. Though the timeline is different, that hag did show up at a holiday event with a Blackmoor brooch. Next week, Princess Michael will have to curtsy to HRH Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex.

Unfortunately, the movie decides to mine Princess Diana’s death for tension and Prince Harry starts blurting out lines about his mother’s flaws. The whole thing is unseemly. At some point, a lion strolls into the scene to glower at Meghan and Harry. It’s random AF. I don’t know what that was all about. Moving on. Blah, blah, blah, Queen. Yes, finally, Liz is in the house! Or the palace. Harry takes Meghan to Buckingham to meet granny. Exposition ensues. Sweet, black, baby Jesus, this movie is 2-1/2 hours. Let’s wrap it up and get to the roast chicken.

Prince Harry: Hi, Grandma. This is Meghan.

Meghan Markle: Hi.

Queen Elizabeth: Get it, girl!

Meghan Markle: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, Honey. I’m down with the swirl. Now, let’s start pumping out some mocha grandbabies.

And they all lived Happily Ever After. The End.

Leon is dead, Sebastian is still holding Harry hostage and Nimah is turned herself in as Raina. Ugh. But there is good news for Quantico fans: Caleb Haas is back! The president’s youngest is finally rejoining the world after being MIA the last season. He didn’t leave on the best terms with the team, but his charm could always help patch things up. Or can it?

Starting off in the bunker, Owen says they’ve received five pings in five different cities across the nation meaning the Collaborators could be creating a riot in one of the locations. Clay wants to run scared and end the entire mission, but sadly for him his team is made up of the country’s strongest agents. They stand up to him and vow to take down the Collaborators no matter the cost.

Because they’re brilliant, the team figures out the targeted city is Cleveland. There, a jury is in deliberation over the case of a man accused of shooting and killing an intruder with an illegally obtained gun. Even though the intruder killed his wife, if the defendant is found guilty his life is over. It’s all happening in Cleveland because the former president, whose cabinet President Haas served in, created a bill about owning illegal firearms. Emotions are running high around this case and a guilty verdict will set off a political reaction that will harm President Haas’ status and take her down. – which the Collaborators want.

When Clay decides to go see mommy dearest in the White House in an effort to disband the team, guess who’s waiting for him there: Caleb. Man, I missed this guy. Disagreeing with Clay, the president thinks he should change up his plan of attack instead of give up. Thankfully that plan involves Caleb.

In Cleveland, Shelby, Alex and Raina are there to convince the special agent on the case their help is needed. Unfortunately for them that special agent is none other than American traitor and their former FBI trainer, Miranda. This should be fun.

Because Miranda is smart she knows the trio is not there to help her and she calls Raina out for not being Nimah. Seems they’ve forgotten that Miranda basically created the twins at the academy. Even with Miranda breathing down their necks, they’re able to get the jurors’ personal information so they can get into their heads and influence the verdict. Alex was able to get one juror to admit the case judge, Judge Kaplan, is pressuring them to a guilty verdict.

The three, unfortunately with Miranda in tow, confront the judge. He admits to being blackmailed into a forced trial, but before he can call it a mistrial they’re informed the jury had already reached a verdict and it’s guilty on all counts. Let the riots begin.

Shelby calls Clay to warn him that Roarke plans to be on the Cleveland courthouse steps to “calm the crowd down.” The Collaborators were using the trial to win the will of the people. Gross. Surprisingly, the recently nervous wreck Clay tells Shelby to relax because “he’s got this.”

He’s right because just as Roarke gets to the steps Madame President herself is standing there with a smile on her face. Oh, the Haas family is good.

Not only is the Haas family good, but Clay feeds her Roarke’s speech from when they met earlier at the Capitol and Roarke offered Clay a job. The crowd eats up her words of encouragement and you can almost see the life drain from Roarke’s eyes. For once, the gang won.

Alone in the bunker, Owen jumps an intruder who copied files off one of the laptops. That intruder is Sebastian. Ryan appears and the two learn that Sebastian is a current operative working undercover. Not only did he let Harry go (thank goodness), he said he discovered their secret team when he followed Thomas Roth on the day he and Rebecca Sherman were shot in Central Park.

Sebastian admitted he didn’t shoot the two and even gave Owen and Ryan what they’ve been looking for this entire time: the names of all eight Collaborators. He made a deal with them to share any information from here on out. Wow, a second win for the day.

That evening, Shelby goes to thank Clay for not giving up on them. As she’s about to leave her former beloved Caleb enters the room. Shelby swiftly tries to leave because Caleb’s ignored her efforts to contact him for weeks. Goofy Caleb is awesome, but he’s not 100 percent awesome. He tells Shelby that whatever she has going on with Clay (nothing) needs to end or he will make her life a living hell. Um, okay.

Now let’s talk about Ryan’s personal life for a second because while all of this has been going on, his love life has been quite interesting.

Ryan has been casually dating/trying to get intel on a journalist named Sasha who is a possible Russian spy. Suspicious of her, he bugs her apartment. He’s correct because after he leaves, Sasha opens a hidden back to her wardrobe and grabs multiple files with photos of the Collaborators and Caleb Haas’ attached.

Later, he overhears recordings of Sasha speaking in Russian. She mentions Ryan and plans to meet with someone at The Gold Leaf bar. Once there, Ryan learns he’s been tricked since Sasha found his bug. She in turn gives him her apartment key so he can search her it himself for any secrets. Any trust Ryan had goes out the window when he finds a bug inside the keys. Did this girl really think he wouldn’t find it?

While the key bug might have been dumb, Sasha is smarter than we’re led to believe. She contacts Patrick Theo, technology Collaborator, and begins questioning him on the other confirmed Collaborators. He hangs up quickly when he realized where she was going. Maybe she is one of the good guys. She tries to prove that when Ryan tries to return her apartment key.

Sasha tells him she has to run down a lead but to meet back at her place in an hour. Well, that probably won’t happen since her car blew up right after she got into it.

Poor Ryan, he can never have anything good.

COMPLETE CONTRIBUTORS PUZZLE:
Law: Thomas Roth
Money: Christian Kelly
Government: Henry Roarke
Ideology: Maxwell Fletcher
Logistics: Rebecca Sherman
Technology: Peter Theo
Media: Warren Shepard
Defense: Alice Winter

Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Welp, it’s not safe out here and the residents in this remote location took our warnings seriously, so there is not a soul on the street. This is good. “Stay inside, stay inside, stay inside,” that’s my motto. So everyone stayed inside. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Everyone is safely inside. That’s good, right? OMG, there are some kids at a window across the street! (Runs across the street. Attempts a B&E but the kids just open the door.)
Kids: Uh, who are you?
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Hi, I’m a news lady. It sure is cold out here, eh? So you must love being home from school.
Kids: Actually, we are home-schooled, so this is just like every other day. Except last week, for the Day without Women. Mom put on red pajamas and stayed in bed all day. She’s not politically active, she’s clinically depressed so that was like every other day, too.
Voice from inside the house: Close the damn, door. It’s freezing. I’m trying to sleep. What are you brats doing?
Kids: Talking to a stranger who just wandered in here. I guess it’s safe; she’s alone.
Voice from inside the house: Oh, okay. Stay inside, stay inside, stay inside.
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: I’m not really alone. Look behind me, see? There’s a man with a camera in the van.
Kids: Bye.
Miss Lonely Weather News Lady on a Desolate Street: Back to you.

Sadistic Anchors: Aww, no sledding shots? Sucks to be you. It’s kinda hot in here. Someone, please turn down the thermostat in the studio. Now let’s throw it to Mr. Commute Reporter
Mr. Commute Reporter: Every single bus, train and subway is out of service. Wait, the LIRR just announced it is operating on a regular schedule; expect to wait for hours and transfer at Jamaica. Metro-North is stopping service in five minutes. Oh, hi, Man on the Street. Why did you not stay inside, stay inside, stay inside?
Man on the street: Hi, I have a low-paying job and I work the night shift. Fortunately, I can go home and be with my family now. I’m in a rush, actually.
Mr. Commute Reporter: Of course, let’s just fit in a few minutes of trite commute banter.
Man on the street: Sigh, okay. Make it snappy.
Mr. Commut Reporter: The Metro-North is shutting down service in 4 minutes.
Man on the Street: What?!
My Commute Reporter: Sorry, too many people stayed inside, stayed inside, stayed inside. Since you did not heed the warning and went outside, you get to be part of the stranded commuter segment. See ya’ later. And back to you.
Warm and Cozy Anchors: There’s a lot of stranded commuters out there, huh? Oh, goodie. That’ll make a segment filled with tired, hangry and frustrated people. Now let’s take a commercial break.

Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: This is a good time to stay inside, stay inside, stay inside. Sleet is pelting my face. Ow! Oh, hi, Men on the Street. Let’s chat.
Man on the Street No. 1: They are doing a good job shoveling, but I wish they’d let up. I want to cross-country ski.
Audience: Let’s punch him in the face. Where is Lou Young?
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: Here is someone else. What are you doing?
Man on Street No. 2: I’m dutifully clearing my sidewalk, so nobody falls and tries to sue me. I hope I don’t have a heart attack. Man on the Street No. 1 has a snowblower. He could let me use it, but that would mess up his cross-country skiing. He’s a dick.
Cool Weather Reporter Lady who Keeps it 100: Word. Ouch! The sleet seems to be organizing. Back to you!
Starstruck Warm and Cozy Anchors: OMG, OMG, OMG! Guess who’s doing the next segment?
Lou Young: Hi, I’m at JohnnyCakes in Nyack. It’s an inviting and warm spot in which to dazzle flirty diners. Every single person in this diner is taking selfies because I am Lou f—ing Young. The women want me. The men want to be me. Let’s talk snow.
Flirty Customer: I like to talk about snow, please ask me questions.
Lou Young: I’ll be back, sweetie. I gotta step outside for a sec and let the people on the street have the treat of geeking out. (Makes a statement saying that sometimes he thinks this will be “the last time I’ll do this.”)
Me: What? No. I need you. New York needs you.
Lou Young: I was just joshing you. I’m going to enjoy a turkey panini now. Lou Young gets turkey paninis. I’m leaving Nyack soon, gotta keep on the move in case some stalkerish recapper tries to hunt me down. Back to you.
Lonnie Quinn: My sleeves are rolled up. I am a badass meteorologist. I punched a snowman once, just to watch it die.

1. The snow day coverage begins. No excitement yet on WCBS. Stay inside. Don’t have a heart attack shoveling. We are helpfully informed that there is a “crunchy” sound when you drive over icy snow. Don’t drive. (I’m waiting for the ruler.) Where is Lou Young? I am here for Lou Young.

2. Hi, my name is New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. I’m going to personally remove snow from every freakin’ sidewalk in the five boroughs. I’m up for re-election, my constituents will get the pitchforks and torches if their snow is not removed immediately. My street name is Bill tout de suite. To hear this plea for calm in Spanish, press 1. Sadly, my Spanish is passable, so you won’t get the laugh riot of El Bloombito. I also have no overly dramatic sign language interpreter.

2. The stick! First loser out in the middle the storm measuring snow with a ruler. Yessss.

3. Hello, my name is Governor Andrew Cuomo, I will kill you if you drive. I mean, not personally but I know people. Get inside–or else. Capisce? I gotta go to Long Island now on my magic carpet. I will not be on the roads.

4. Lou Young sighting! He’s in Armonk. Please come to NYC! Lou Young may not come to NYC, he notes that “I’m already done with it.” That either means: “Stop snowing in a lame manner, snow in a badass manner” or it means “I’m not in the mood today, I’m going to jam with my band.” Lou Young, we have some okayish snow in the Bronx. Please come by the College of Mount Saint Vincent neighborhood. I might just be walking my dog. I’ll be in  an animal print coat. Not that I’m an obsessed fan or anything.

5. Hello, I’m a pretty news lady. My hair is perfectly coiffed. I’m warm and cozy. Here is my concerned face. How’s it doing out there, non-Lou reporter, who is freezing to death? Brrrrrrr, stay warm, sucker!

6. Hello, man carefully driving on the road, why are you out here? You’re supposed to be inside.

Man carefully driving on the road: ¡Hola! Tengo un trabajo. I don’t get to play in the snow with a ruler like a news gringo. No más preguntas, por favor.  ¿A dónde es Lou Young?

7. Hello, I am a meteorologist in the “weather center.” It’s snowing! Snow! Windy snow! Wind! The weather center is me standing in front of a green screen. I’m vaguely gesturing at a pretend map. Unless it is Lonnie Quinn, of WCBS-TV who once played Will Cooney/Cortlandt on All My Children but blew that popsicle stand to do some badass meteorology. When 14-time Emmy recipient Lonnie Quinn rolls up his sleeves, shit is about to get real. Sleeves are down, everything’s cool. Sleeves are up, runaway fools. He probably has Lou Young’s phone number and gets to hang out with him.

8. Hello, I am reporting on transportation. The LIRR will help you commuters so you don’t have to be on the road. No for reals, the Long Island Rail Road will not screw you over like it does the other 364 days out of the year. Just wait there, the train’s coming. Maybe. Please change at Jamaica.

9. Hello, I am reporting from a desolate spot. Absolutely nothing is happening. OMG, I see a roadside diner! Hooray! Hello, roadside diner owner, you’re about to close the restaurant, I see.

Roadside Diner Owner: Yes, I’m about to lock the door. I suppose you think I’m letting you in for some coffee and a cutesy remote. I am not. I am literally locking the door in your face. You can not report from inside my diner. The restroom is for customers only. And Lou Young.

Reporter: You happen to have a black and white cookie in there? Maybe gyro? Day-old danish? Jamaican beef patty? Come back!!! He’s gone. FML. Lou Young isn’t even on this network!

10. Hi there, I have a cool vehicle:  it’s a storm chaser. It’s like the storm chaser in Twister. Not the hooptie one Bill Paxton had to drive. This is like the sleek one that Cary Elwes got to drive. Let’s talk to some busy snow workers.

Busy snow workers: ¡Hola! Sí, we are busy. Hey, didn’t one of you gringos stop me five minutes ago? Uh, is this ICE? I just want to do my job. I am not a bad hombre.

11. Hello, we are in a comfy studio. This storm is winding down. That’s not good, we need drama. Let’s go check with a reporter tied to the train tracks. Don’t worry, it’s the LIRR tracks, that train is not arriving soon. This storm sucks. It doesn’t even have a name. Good storms have names. FFS, people on the Upper East Side are walking around on clear streets. Why does God hate us? Let’s pretend the storm has a name. We will call it Carla. Is that sexist? How about Pat? That’s unisex. Cue the scary music: Pat 2017. Dum, dum, dummmmmm. We think a lost skier turned to cannibalism in Central Park. Oh, no! There is an avalanche at a small park in the Financial District! Bowling Green has been destroyed!

12. Hi, I am doing an outdoor report in Ridgewood, NJ. Some survivors are huddled in this bagel shop. Haha, no. My bosses like me. I got the good gig. Hi “survivors” what’s going on?”

Survivors: Hmpjfsi, harlmfp.

Reporter: What?

Survivors: Sorry, just sitting here enjoying a bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll like we do every day.

Reporter: Oh, um. How’s business, bagel shop owner? It must be slow today, huh? Like you’re in a ghost town.

Bagel shop owner: Nope, we’re fine. You’re holding up the line.

Reporter: Oh, wow! Well, stay safe. Can I get a bialy with a schmear?

Bagel shop owner: Sure that will be $7.50. Freebies are for Lou Young. Hey, is it true what they said about Bowling Green park?

13. Transit reporter: The LIRR is running with delays. That sound you hear is Long Island feigning shock.

14. Hello, I am a serious reporter, unlike those cupcakes, I have serious news. There are massive power outages out here on Long Island. Damnit, who is this blasé millennial in the background? She is undermining me.

Blasé millennial in the background: Oh, hi! I’m just out for a walk. Snow is pretty. I enjoy the special snowflakes.

Serious reporter: What about the mass power outages?

Blasé millennial in the background:  I pay $5,000 a month for a 10×10 apartment. I have a roommate, but we can’t always make the ConEd bill, so \_(ツ)_/¯

It wasn’t really a jolly Christmas for most of the Royals especially the two brothers. It was less family fun and more Christmas with the cranks as Liam challenged Robert to a boxing match. Talk about a knockout.

Since Jasper broke her heart and flew the coop, Eleanor has been switching bodyguards more often than outfits. She is obviously still heartbroken and, to be honest, so am I.

It’s time for the Royals’ 72nd Annual People’s Gala where other royals and rich people come together to give money to a charity event. This year’s charity is dedicated to helping veterans. The exact charity Liam created, but which now that Robert is back, he has taken it over and claimed it as his – typical.

During the gala Helena turns to Willow and says she wants her to create a list of suitable women to date Robert. This leads Willow to formally introduce herself to Robert and ask him weird personal questions, you know, for research. While I’ve never been a Robert fan, I did appreciate the Harry Potter jokes between the two. I might have even seen a small spark. Watch out Kathryn, Willow might steal your man.

Speaking of Kathryn, she and her sister were invited to the People’s Gala meaning one thing is brewing there: drama.

At the event, each of the Royals get auctioned off with a lucky person. As a pick-me-up date for Eleanor, a prince named Sebastian wins a date playing croquet with her. During their time not playing croquet, Eleanor tells Sebastian about her breakup with Jasper without ever mentioning who her beau was. The whole thing breaks my heart. Since Len is being so open, I’m hoping this guy is genuine and not going to use this against her.

Another big winner was Kathryn who took a wine cellar tour with Robert. Totally rigged. Robert tells Kathryn this was a set up to introduce her to the world without any more secrets. Still not a fan of his.

While waiting for the match to start, a disgruntled bodyguard that Eleanor fired tries to confront her. However, he is taken down by a very strong woman in a tight black dress. Her name is Rosie and Eleanor wants her on her team. I think Rosie will make a wonderful addition to security.

Now, for the main event of the evening, the Battle Royale boxing match between Liam and Robert. My money (and Cyrus’) is on Liam. Robert thinks it is all fun and games, but Liam is giving it 110 percent. Robert knocks Liam down. Younger brother is about to bow out when he sees Kathryn smile at Robert. He gets off the floor and knocks out Robert.

After the fighting is said, and mostly done, Robert tells Liam in close quarters that he did it for show and that he let Liam win. Well that pisses Liam off obviously. Baby brother takes a swing and Robert socks him to prove that he’ll always be superior.

I told you it was going to be a legit knockout.

QUOTES
Liam: “You give them a good show and I’ll give them a good fight.”

Eleanor: “You just bought an island, I googled you. That’s not low-key.”

1. Season 3 of The Wire:  If you’re intellectual and crave thought-provoking, realistic and character-driven TV, you’ve likely already seen The Wire. This is not the show for rank-amateur viewers; the series requires an attention span. There are no flashbacks (except for one at the end of Season 1 which I believe HBO forced on David Simon.) There is no manipulative soundtrack to guide your feelings. Season 3 draws a picture of breathtakingly corrupt Baltimore politics. It won’t necessarily make you feel good, but it will confirm everything you were thinking and grants a license to rant: “I told you! Isn’t this what I’ve been saying? Sheeple! Brexit! I unfriended another asshole on Facebook today. OMG, Idris Elba is soooooo hot. I don’t care if you’re a bad guy, Stringer Bell.”
2. House of Cards US: Watching Frank and Claire Underwood manipulate their way into power is compelling. It’s a show for cerebral viewers who are fond of acerbic wit and dark humor. The protagonists lie, cheat and kill. Literally. They will kill for the power. They are well-read, savvy, and detail-oriented. God, I love ‘em. “Incidentally”, Netflix happened to drop the Season 5 release date on Inauguration Day. I see you, Netflix.
3. House of Cards UK: The original version set in the UK is clever and brims with caustic humor. The storylines are aligned with the US version but in a foreign and prehistoric setting. No Tweets or Buzzfeed. The mobile phones are big enough to be bandied about as weapons. Selfies aren’t a thing yet. (You’d have hated it, Zoe Barnes.) Good for Anglophiles, bad for viewers who don’t want spoilers. If for no other reason, you’ll get to add a shady undertone to gossip. Yes, Frank Underwood also says it. But crisp British accent adds a lovely level of malice.
4. Orange is the New Black episodes “WAC Pack” and “Blood Donut”: Unexpected choice, we know, but the two episodes focus on an election for the women’s advisory council. The campaigning is amusing. 
5. The Man in the High Castle: The Amazon original series imagines a bloodcurdling“what if” scenario in which the Nazis won the war. True confession, I only watched a few episodes when the series debuted, but based on what the TVRD advisory committee says, (By which I mean my friend Naomi.) I’ll tune in when I want to be a masochist and muse on a dystopian America.

Do you have preferred viewing choices for when you think everything is going to hell in a handbasket? We adore your cynical comments, so please leave one. Comments don’t appear immediately, but we’ll get to them after applying for Canadian citizenship.

Anyone can deliver a forgettable professional performance, but when things went sideways, Mimi embraced the debacle, calling out the sound people while pacing the stage in a glittering flesh-colored onesie. Bless those bewildered backup dancers flailing about with Mimi’s feathers and a can-do spirit as their star went rogue and stopped singing in favor of throwing major shade at whoever she planned to have killed after the show. Our girl was all out of f-cks to give and had no intention of sending an assistant to fetch some more…

The Bachelor stepped on my annual opportunity to mock the SWF parade. One after another, black, brown and biracial beauties stepped out of the limos. Good, we deserve the same right to cry and claw at roses as everyone else. Nick Viall gave sophisticated Rachel the first impression rose. Expect the Dallas attorney to get a lot of airtime this season. What a time to be alive…

Have you ever been in the presence of someone you once loved, but things went awry and it’s not that you hate them now, it’s just it would be unpleasant to be seated right next to them at a wedding. That’s how I feel about the return of Sleepy Hollow tonight. This was my favorite show for so many reasons until the rug was yanked out from under heavily invested fans with an insulting send-off. (Abbie Mills was not a mystical negro!) I’m still bereft and hostile. Instead of a giddy mass viewing with the Sleepy Sisters on Team Ichabbie, I’ll drink alone in a dark room out of a sense of duty and curiosity. Sigh. Sleepy Hollow’s fourth season begins tonight at 9/8c on Fox…

I am intrigued about the premiere of Emerald City which debuts tonight. Based on the previews, it looks like a dark, exotic, fantasy show for grown-ups. It airs at 9/8c on NBC…

So what are you thinking about TV? We love to read your clever comments. They don’t appear right away, but we promise to get through them after my crying jag.