Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing; that’s exactly what the Royals have in their midst. The family is being played by one person they hold dear and Robert’s coronation day will reveal the source of the darkness lingering through the palace.

After his secret tunnel conversation with Jasper about Robert’s ‘death,’ Liam goes to the island to see the wreckage for himself. He returns with Robert’s helmet and confronts him about leaving the island.

Robert initially told the press he got off the island as quickly as he could, but Liam’s research showed the boat that saved Robert had passed by multiple times before he flagged it down. Robert might have been trying to survive, but he was not trying to come home.

Though Robert denies all of this, Liam says he wasn’t mad that Robert returned, just that Robert left him to deal with the aftermath of their father being murdered.

Liam then sits Eleanor down to talk about Robert. Len sides with Robert, because she believes he walks on water. Len says that she and Liam were just  the family “spares” and that the crown was always Robert’s destiny. Liam tells her their older brother’s changed and Len responds with, “Yeah you have. You’re acting like Cyrus, so get your shit together.”

Liam’s next stop is Kathryn. Kathryn tells Liam she hasn’t heard from Robert since the night he was named the next king. Liam being Liam says he’ll talk to Robert for her because he would do anything for her.

Like everyone else with a heart, Hill’s daughter Sarah Alice wants Jasper and Len back together. So Sarah Alice brings Len the fairy tale book she built with Jasper on Christmas. This obviously brings tears to Len’s eyes because this is what she’s wanted from Jasper this whole time: validation of his love for her.

Jasper goes to see Len and he starts by telling her that Sebastian is a good guy. Sebastian is apparently so good that even Jasper couldn’t find dirt on him. But that doesn’t stop Jasper from telling Len how much he loves her and that they’ll find their happily ever after. He tells her that she’s his girl and he will love her no matter what.

Len, confused and still heartbroken, goes off about how she bared her feelings to him in her Christmas letter and there’s no way that if he loved her as he says, he would have left. Alas, Jasper never received the love letter. Interesting.

Liam runs into Helena and tells her he won’t be at the coronation. Helena mentions him being an ungrateful spare and Liam shoots back that Robert is manipulating her and she’s either too vain or stupid to realize it. This family obviously has no boundaries.

Helena continues and calls Liam a stupid child and says Simon would be appalled by who he’s become. Liam says Simon would be appalled by her as well. He tells his mother that maybe Simon wouldn’t have been walking at night if his wife wasn’t cheating on him for 30 years, insinuating that she’s the reason Simon was murdered.

Helena slaps him for that. But Liam won’t leave without the final word: He shoots back with, “I hope you’re right about Robert, because he’s the only son you’re going to have when this is all over.”

We see a flashback of Robert and Simon. The two are playing chess and Simon tells Robert that Liam is all heart and determination, while Robert’s take-no-prisoners attitude will be his downfall. Simon proceeds to tell Robert that he’s disbanding the monarchy mainly because of Robert, who he says would not be a great king. Ouch.

On coronation day, as Len, Helena, and Robert are about to walk out the door to be crowned, Liam stops Robert. In hushed tones to each other, Robert says it’s a shame he won’t be joining the family. Liam responds by saying it’s a mess Robert created.

That mess is shown in mix of flashbacks:

In the first flashback, Robert shows up at Kathryn’s door. After sleeping with her, Robert tells Kathryn that he saw her on the island and she was the reason he came back. Robert then drops the bomb saying it will be difficult to never see her again.

Kathryn, confused asks why and Robert says it has to do with her sleeping with Liam and never telling him. She asks why Robert kept coming around to see her. On his way out the door,  Robert says, “let’s face it, you’re kind of a whore in bed. It must be that common blood in you.”

Welp, end of that relationship.

In another flashback, Len has just put her heartfelt love letter to Jasper in their secret spot. After she walks out, Robert comes from behind a secret door and reads the letter. After throwing it into the fire, Robert calls Jasper’s father with a proposition, aka the reporter digging into Jasper’s past.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we found our wolf.

In the present while Robert is being crowned, Cyrus is in his room with a loaded revolver about to pull the trigger when Liam walks in. All Liam says is that he needs Cyrus’ help and closes the door.

The Royals will return for Season 4 at the end of 2017.

It’s a tense couple of hours for the Royals leading up to the decision from the privy council. Through a series of flashbacks we see how each family member is dealing with the decision hanging above their heads. So what will the council decide? Will Cyrus remain the King of England, or  will Robert, the rightful ruler, will take back his birthright?

Flashbacks: After weeks of being apart, Eleanor and Jasper finally come face to face. She wants to know where he was these past few weeks and, of course, Jasper won’t say in order to protect her. Obviously still torn up about the entire breakup, Len tells Rosie she can shoot Jasper if need be as long as she shoots him in his heart since he broke hers. Tears.

Even though Hill is head of security for the royal family, there is someone higher than him. They have discovered a file was leaked from Hill’s computer and they threaten to fire him. Apparently the file was the one Jasper took on Brandon Boone aka the guy who tried to kill Robert. Boone is also the same guy Jasper turned over to the reporter in exchange for her to bury the story about Len.

Jasper not wanting Hill to lose his job comes clean to the authorities and is arrested for the security breach. As the cuffs are hitting Jasper’s wrists, Robert storms in and says Jasper was working for him and a breach never happened. I’m surprised that Robert did something good for someone else.

Even though he’s now free, Hill still fires Jasper. Dejected, Jasper goes to thank Robert for helping him. Turns out Robert didn’t help Jasper because he is a good person, he helped him for his own benefit. Robert tells Jasper when he becomes King, Jasper will be hired as his personal detail. Robert claims he only wants the best security. But does he just want to keep Jasper away from Len? Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

In the Present: It is finally time for the privy council to hear the sides of the royal family before casting their vote for the next king. They must choose the next king by midnight.

During Cyrus’ plea, he paints himself a great and loving king. Pardon me as I laugh out loud. Cyrus also makes a joke on behalf of America and its recent presidential election. Cool.

Helena’s plea points to the fact that if Robert’s plane did not crash, he would already be king. Cyrus is king because of an unfortunate technicality, she says.

Liam, on the other hand, has an opportunity to speak on behalf of his brother and merely defers to the wisdom of the council. He’s still bitter about losing the throne. Angry with Liam’s laissez faire attitude, Len stands up and says of her uncle, ‘the man has a mohawk! She continues to point out a few questionable things Cyrus has done like knighting a prostitute and basically ‘dressing like a court jester high on nitrous oxide.’ Len holds nothing back.

Robert finishes off the speeches saying he wants to focus on England and not who the next king will be because the country is about the people and not one person. Everyone opposing Robert looks scared because this moving speech just won Robert the crown.

After the council adjourns for the night, Robert goes after Liam asking why he didn’t say anything on his behalf. Liam said he did what he needed to be done to save the family and the crown. Still pissed, Robert tells Liam that, “crowns are for taking and I am taking this one, that is unless you screwed this up for all of us.” Burn.

Hours later as the family gathers together to hear the results, you could cut the tension in the room with a knife. They patiently wait to hear the bells ring out from Big Ben at midnight. At the last second, the bells ring out across England naming Robert the new and rightful king of England.

Pissed beyond belief, Cyrus finds Wescott, the head of the council, and goes off about how he could have lost the council. Wescott looks Cyrus in the eye and says, ‘we saw a king today and it wasn’t you.’ Double burn.

Both dejected from the day, Jasper and Liam meet in the tunnels to discuss what will happen next. As Jasper tells Liam he will soon be working for Robert, he cuts him off because he wants to know all about Boone and Robert’s connection. Jasper says once he tells him there is no going back. Liam responds with “there’s no place to go back to.”

The season finale is next and boy will it be a doozy.

Eleanor’s new bodyguard Rosie has started and on her first day Len takes her to a naked tiger run. Talk about welcoming one into the fold. At the run the princess meets up with her new flirty friend Sebastian. They’re both painted head to toe as tigers, and they’re basically naked. Rosie on the other hand is more conservative and totally rocking her tiger onesie. She’s my new favorite character hands down.

Len and Sebastian shake Rosie and run off to do their own thing. The two end up at a fancy restaurant that wouldn’t let their tiger paint-wearing selves eat. Sebastian didn’t like what he heard so he did what any guy would do and buys the place on the spot and makes everyone eating leave. Where can I find me one of these guys? And once they’re done eating, Sebastian brings out designer clothes for Len to change into. Forget Jasper — I love this guy!

Cyrus is being Cyrus and has brought in a weird birdman who claims he will heal Cyrus’ dark soul and cure his cancer. Never trust a crazy man has a crow on his head.

The healer says he needs the blood of a beast for a ritual so Cyrus attempts to kill a baby fox. He will honestly stop at nothing to live through this season. Naturally, the fox escapes Cyrus’ clutches and he makes Hill hunt it down. Hill tries to keep it together when Cyrus orders him to find the ‘little beast.’

Hill later tells Cyrus he couldn’t find the fox and that the crazy birdman is actually just an orthopedic shoe salesman. The stripper who has become Cyrus’ best friend asks him why he trusted the birdman to begin with. Cyrus told her it’s because he doesn’t want to die.

He also drops the bomb that if he loses the throne, he will kill himself.

Speaking of the throne, Liam apologizes to Robert for the fight. He tells Robert he finally found direction after Robert’s disappearance and it’s been hard giving it back up. It was actually a sweet moment.

After spending time with Kathryn, Robert realizes he doesn’t want to live in the spotlight anymore. He later apologizes to his younger brother and says it shouldn’t matter who was born first, but who would be best for the monarchy. Robert states  it’s obviously not Cyrus, but maybe not him either. Robert says he’ll stand behind Liam as king and the future couldn’t seem brighter. Time to bring back #KingLiam.

Robert and Liam go to Helena together to say that Liam should be put forward as the next king. She straight up tells Liam no. Helena goes on about how it’s Robert’s time and it has always been Robert’s destiny no matter what. Poor Liam. Guess it’s more like #NeverKingLiam.

All this time Jasper has been trying to protect Len. He breaks into the American journalist’s home and tells her to drop the story on him. If she does, he’ll give her a better one.

Apparently his new story is actually Brandon Boone, the guy who claimed to have killed Robert. Brandon goes with Jasper and tells the journalist that Price, who killed King Simon (R.I.P.) hired him to kill Robert. He obviously did a bad job of it.

Liam is back to being sad Liam and is drinking his sorrows away when Jasper shows up for moral support. Jasper tells him to move on because Kathryn seems to have. Liam hates that advice and tells Jasper that Len went on a date with a naked prince and he should do the same.

Their friendship is mean, yet precious at the same time. #TeamLiasper

QUOTES

Robert: “You want to be like me. I can’t blame you, look at me, I’m amazing.”

Hill: “So there’s a fox loose in the palace?”

Helena: “I don’t push people away! Said the queen with no friends.”

Liam: “You give some shit advice sometimes.”

Eleanor: “I had fun today. Thanks for buying me the t-shirt, the clothes, oh and the restaurant.”

Cyrus: “God can’t save the king, you can save the king and the king will save you.”

It’s Christmas in the palace! Nothing says a Royal holiday affair like drama, booze, heart break and secrets. Blood doesn’t matter when pride is on the line in this family. ‘Tis the season for back stabbings!

Right off the bat Eleanor is daydreaming and breaks out singing ‘Winter Wonderland’ where Cyrus is Scrooge and Liam and Robert are fighting in reindeer sweaters. Some very impressive and intricate choreography goes down between Len and Jasper. Honestly, every episode needs to have at least one musical number from here on out.

Back in reality, Helena wanders the empty halls of the palace thinking it’s the zombie apocalypse. Priceless. She finds Liam where he tells her he let the staff go for the holidays meaning the Royals must fend for themselves. This apparently is a hard task. Honorable mentions go to Cyrus, Eleanor, and Robert who pop into the dining room  and ask if Helena and Liam are alive or the undead. Splendid.

While everyone is pissed at Liam for making them actually do something for once, Helen tries to cook a turkey. Out of nowhere the lovely Spencer pops in the kitchen and offers his help. While searching for the Figgie pudding (which apparently is a big thing) they get it on in the wine cellar. The pudding falls onto Helena’s face and she gets a black eye. Classic.

Finally Len and Jasper are in a good place, but not for long. An American journalist is in town to ruin the couple. She’s dug into Jasper’s past and tells him she will expose his true identity. Apparently she has a source and while Jasper thinks it’s his dead-beat dad back in the states, my vote is on Saint Robert.

At the palace, Len and Liam confront Robert and tell him to admit he has a problem with Jasper. Instead, he tells Liam that the problem lies with him. Apparently poor Liam, who was trying to do a nice thing by letting the staff off, has left it up to Robert to fix everything and his highness wants a thank you.

More drama occurs when Jasper returns and breaks up with Len. She was excited to give Jasper his gift, an original love letter from the couple they base their letters on.  He tells her the relationship was suffocating him. What he really meant was the reporter got under his skin. My heart, like Len’s, is broken.

Now that everyone has a chip on their shoulder, Robert makes a toast in his dad’s absence at Christmas Eve dinner that sets Liam off. Seriously no one in this family can be happy for five seconds. The only bright side to the dinner was seeing Mr. Hill sitting with the family enjoying his meal. The fighting makes for an uncomfortable situation, but the fact he doesn’t stop eating makes him my favorite.

The only person who can save Christmas from the Royals is young Sarah Alice. She turns the night around after finding a bag full of gifts that was addressed from Simon (RIP). Everyone, but Robert, got a meaningful gift proving Simon was the best. Talk about ghost of Christmas past.

Liam’s gift, boxing gloves, gave him the courage to go to Kathryn’s apartment and fight for her. Sadly for Liam (again) she turns him down for Robert. This guy just can’t catch a break. This sends Liam back to the palace where he challenges Robert to a boxing match for a charity event. He is literally going to fight his brother for a girl. Oh goodness this will be great.

QUOTES:
Helena: “We have absolutely no idea how to fend for ourselves.”

Eleanor: “What part of this family did you think we could manage on our own?”

Sarah Alice: “Let’s play Simon Says!”

Cyrus: “Simon says I got killed by Ted Price.”

The cat is out of the bag or more accurately, Prince Robert finally is. The entire kingdom knows he’s alive and they question what’s next for the Royals. The answer? A little democracy and a whole lot of drama.

Now that the errant royal is back everyone has forgotten about #KingLiam and are all about Prince Lazarus, whose first royal duty is to keep the peace with Cyrus.

At the royal reveal for Robert’s return Helena obviously wants her first born front and center. Cyrus isn’t keen on the idea since he is technically still the king. But we all know Cyrus bows to no one and he will not give up the throne until he’s dead.

While Helena would prefer that, Robert has a more cordial approach. He sits with Cyrus in the throne room stroking his uncle’s ego because that’s the only way to his heart. Robert dazzles the unfit king with memories and convinces Cyrus that the people should vote between them. Instead they agree on a private council vote. You can tell they’re related because it was hard at first to tell who was playing who. It seemed Cyrus came up with the idea, but Robert really did. He just wanted Cyrus to think it was his idea. The rustic royal must have learned more than his drinking habits from Uncle Cyrus.

Jumping over to Robert’s private life, he texts Kathryn a meat emoji. Apparently that is code for ‘meet.’ What are we in middle school? She tells Liam about the meeting, and being the tortured soul he is, Liam tells her to go with Robert. So the girl torn between two princes literally rides off into the sunset with Robert while Liam looks on. Cue the sad music.

After her ‘date’ with Robert which basically consisted of him saying how much he missed her, Kathryn tells Liam that they have to come clean. Who gets the awful honors of spilling that secret? Liam.

So Liam decides the best time to tell his very competitive older brother about his love affair is while playing a ‘friendly’ game of darts. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for Liam to pour his heart out, and then having Robert throw a dart at younger brother’s head. Instead, Liam freezes. What a missed opportunity for a sibling showdown.

The youngest, and my favorite royal, Eleanor has a visitor. Robert’s former best friend Beck, who has always had a thing for her, is back for the celebration festivities. He’s intrigued to learn that Len has a beau in her life and he’s not happy that it’s Jasper.

Beck being the royal rude playboy he is shows up dressed in royal garb and harasses Jasper constantly saying that he’s not good enough for Len. I repeat, he’s rude. When Len finds out she goes off on Beck. You go girl.

But does that stop Beck? No.

On the day of Robert’s public appearance, Liam is tossing back a flask to numb his life. Good choice. He’s never been a fan of Beck’s and as Jasper is his number-one bro, when he hears Beck heckle Jasper Liam’s liquid courage again sends flying and hetackles the royal jerk right into the throne room in front of national diplomats.

Talk about a royal rumble.

Robert has no problem with the royal disgrace and gives the best line of the entire episode: “Okay everyone we’re going to be extremely British right now and pretend none of that just happened.”

Bravo Royals, I can tell this is only the beginning.

QUOTES:

Eleanor: “You’ve got to stop dropping acid mother, it’s becoming a problem.”

Cyrus: “Turns out people do have sympathy for the devil.”

Robert: “Normal people can be quite relaxing.”

Eleanor: “Class isn’t about who you are Beck, it’s about how you act.”

Robert, the former First Royal who was believed dead for the last year, has returned home. However, Liam was just told he would be the new king, and is currently sleeping with Robert’s ex-girlfriend. And that’s just the beginning of the shenanigans of The Royals.

Both Eleanor and Helena faint immediately after seeing Robert emerge from the shadows. Great “welcome home,” there ladies. Cyrus is the third person to greet Robert back from the dead and what does he do? He drunkenly tells Robert that Simon is dead. Uncle of the Year material you are.

Across town, Liam and Kathryn are being lovey dovey in bed when Jasper comes out of nowhere to drop the bomb. Liam runs through the palace and straight into the arms of Robert. How cute is brotherly love? Probably not so cute once Robert learns about Kathryn.

Hill gives Robert the files on his and his father’s deaths along with the video of Simon getting stabbed. Robert watches the video which leads him deep down the Internet hole. Robert watches every bad thing that has happened to his family from the fake paternity test to the mob that killed the King Slayer. It would have helped if he had just read a few recaps instead.

Eleanor informs Jasper that she is going to tell Robert about them. Of course she would leave out the lying and blackmailing part of their courtship because she obviously wants Robert to like her beau. Robert surprises the two in the library and what’s Jasper’s do for a first impression? He jumps up and screams ‘Ello Govna’ in his fake British accent. Priceless.

Robert is ‘happy’ for Eleanor, but while he says he likes Jasper, her older brother’s eyes say something else. Jasper and Eleanor’s relationship might have hit another speed bump and its name is Robert.

Hours later, a late-night walk leads Robert and Liam to Kathryn’s pub. As Kathryn is leaving Robert scares the daylights out of her. Yeah, I’d be terrified too if my supposed-to-be-dead boyfriend reappears out of nowhere. Don’t forget her current boyfriend is standing there too. Talk about a royal love triangle.

Liam, of course, returns to Kathryn’s later in the night and breaks up with her because of his brother. Liam is such a good guy it hurts to watch him sacrifice happiness again for someone else.

Britain finally learns the truth about the palace’s dirty secrets in a press conference. Helena first reveals the twins are Simon’s kids. While the press thinks that’s the only news, Robert appears. This comes after the press asks whether Liam would take the throne. Way to bury the lead, Helena.

There wasn’t that much drama in this episode, but it’s the tip of an oncoming iceberg. While Robert’s return might seem like a great thing, it does mean everyone’s lives are about to be turned upside down. When you’re a royal, you always have a lot to lose.

QUOTES

Cyrus: “Well I bet you have a lot to catch up on. To be clear, daddy’s dead!”

Robert: “Where the hell have you been?”

Liam: “I could say the same to you.”

Robert: “Your dear late brother has returned from the dead and you can’t stop texting.”

Talk about dramatic: A flashback reveals that Liam was the first to meet Kathryn at her father’s pub. Robert pulled a Prince Charming and swooped in to steal the girl, something Liam is still trying to get over.

Flashbacks prove how jealous Liam was of Robert for having Kathryn. Robert kept their relationship a secret because he was the next in line to the throne; Liam constantly made remarks about how he wouldn’t keep Kathryn hidden. Well, he finally got his wish.

The other young royal is having a love affair of her own. After reading Jasper’s romantic letter Eleanor is having a difficult time writing one for him. So she turns to Hill as her royal scribbler or ghost writer.

When Jasper receives Eleanor’s letter he smiles with excitement. It’s precious. When he’s done reading it, Jasper runs to Hill because —plot twist— Hill wrote Jasper’s first letter and now has to write the follow-up. Of course, Eleanor walks in as this is all going down.

Jasper and Eleanor then do what they do best: argue. Hill finds it all amusing since he was the puppeteer behind the whole thing. They don’t speak for hours, until Eleanor overhears Jasper tell Hill’s daughter Sarah Alice that Eleanor is a real princess because she stays true to herself. Swoon.

It’s then that they finally make up and put the past behind them. Can I repeat FINALLY!? It’s the next day that Jasper finds it in him to write a real, true love letter to Eleanor. Their relationship might have been a rocky one, but it looks like they’re finally seeing the light.

This whole time Helena has been waiting for the paternity tests to arrive to prove Eleanor and Liam are actually King Simon’s children. And, news flash, they are. Helena admits to the twins that the first test was a fake she created because she didn’t think Liam was ready to rule. She’s since changed her mind.

Of course this now puts Liam and Kathryn’s relationship back where she was with Robert. But this time, Liam says he won’t hide Kathryn like Robert did. How romantic.

While Liam is off telling Kathryn the good news, Helena and Eleanor are having a rare mother-daughter moment in the palace.  As they walk down a hallway they see a figure standing in the darkness. That figure is Robert.

Let the royal games begin.

QUOTES:

Hill: “Just because it’s sensitive doesn’t mean it’s girlie”

Jasper: “So you don’t think I have a body of a Greek God?”

Helena: “You know what they say, nobody cries for the king”

Robert’s alive and dealing with a guilty conscience alone on a desert island. Liam too is fighting with his conscience over the death of the King Slayer. Helena wants to prove her kids are the true heirs and Cyrus is being difficult Cyrus. All is ‘normal’ on the royal front.

Cyrus is dying and he’s making sure people remember his name when he’s gone. He goes on TV to talk about his cancer because if the public knows no one can use it against him. However, in the process he smears the names the entire Royal Family. Damn, that Cyrus is salty.

While Cyrus is busy ruining the family name, Helena is trying to rebuild it. Her mission is to break into Cyrus’ lair, where he has rarely left.

The good thing for Helena is everyone is ‘Team Queen’ and Hill is able to lure Cyrus out of his room for ‘security purposes.’ The Queen and her lackeys sneak into Cyrus’ room where they couldn’t find any hair. Instead they found a cancerous testicle in a jar on his mantle. Must be a royal thing. When Cyrus comes back and realizes it’s gone, no one is safe.

The young royals on the other hand are attempting to have fun at an EDM festival. While Eleanor told Jasper they’re not exclusive she obviously wants a relationship with him. But Eleanor being Eleanor she flirts with every guy she meets. And Jasper being Jasper, he knocks out every guy Eleanor flirts with.

Eleanor has a heart to heart with Liam letting him know it’s finally his turn to be happy. She might be a screw up but she loves her brother and will always be there for him. Eleanor even admits to Liam she wants to be with Jasper but she doesn’t think she’s good enough. Yes, a royal not good enough for a common American.

Later, in a super-romantic library, Jasper admits to Eleanor he wants to be with her. To top it off he leaves her a love letter hidden in a book. They’re officially reverted to middle school flirting.

Deciding Eleanor is right, Liam visits Kathryn whom it’s revealed her has had a past with. He’s not her first royal.

While on the island Robert has been hallucinating about a blonde girl with a triangle tattoo on her upper back. Who has the same tattoo? Kathryn. That’s right; Liam is shacking with his ‘dead’ brother’s former girlfriend. That’ll certainly be dramatic when Robert finally returns.

QUOTES:

Head of Security James Hill: “With all due respect your majesty the last guy was taller but killed people”

Eleanor: “You want some advice? Stop getting punched in the face”

Helena: “You were a footnote, now you’re a king.”

We rejoin The Royals two weeks from where the season 2 finale left off and a lot ended in that episode. We learned that Head of Security Ted Pryce was the King Slayer and he was exposed in a very public arena. Oh, and then he was killed by an angry mob of Brits. Not a pretty way to go.

Now, Liam is dealing with his inner demons and feels somewhat responsible for Ted’s brutal death. This has led him to be Mr. Perfect Prince during the day where he goes on talk shows and charity events. But at night, it’s a different story. What happens at Fight Club stays at Fight Club, and that’s exactly what Liam has gotten himself into: an underground fight club.

He’s also still friends with Wilhelmina, who is good for moral support, but she’s offering more than that. Queen Helena discovers that Wilhelmina started the #KingLiam movement and she apparently wants in. This movement has driven Helena to prove her children are the rightful heirs to the throne instead of the incredibly unpopular Cyrus.

Helena planned to have a DNA sample retrieved from Simon’s bones, but, low and behold, Cyrus had them tossed in a river, because everyone knows you can’t do a DNA test if you don’t have a body. Helena then tries to steal DNA from Cyrus, but the hated king has locked himself in his chamber.

Not only is he getting cabin fever, but Cyrus is losing his hair because of cancer. So what does he do? He shaves himself a Mohawk,  not a good look for a king. But remember, this isn’t your normal royal family.

While in his quarters he meets with Jeffery Stewart, the man trying to blackmail the royals. Yeah right, like you could actually blackmail an entire royal family. Cyrus hands him a drink and tells Stewart it’s not poison… It’s totally poison. Not only does he hand Stewart poison, he hands him an anecdote – that is just more poison. Way to never play by the rules, Cyrus.

In positive royal news, Helena has tapped Mr. Hill to be Head of Royal Security and he asks Eleanor’s permission before making his final decision to accept. How cute. This is all after he tries to help rekindle the spark between the show’s best couple, Jasper and Eleanor. Elasper? Jasnor? The jury is still out on the name.

Eleanor has to sit through sorry pitches of items she will ‘brand’, and the new-and-improved Jasper comes in with the final pitch. Swoon. Jasper is all awkward and precious as he tries to win Eleanor back and boy is she making him work.

Eleanor ultimately forgives him, because why wouldn’t she, and Jasper is caught on camera doing a happy dance in the tunnels. Oh, and Mr. Hill shows the princess the video and it’s the cutest thing ever! However, later on, Eleanor is back playing mind tricks and she ends up getting Jasper to help paint her doors an awful green color. She should have stuck with the red spray paint from her tantrum in season one.

We can’t forget the most intriguing new character of the season: Prince Robert. We finally meet the supposed-to-be-dead prince on a deserted island. He’s the British version of Tom Hanks in Castaway, minus Wilson. What’s most intriguing about Robert is that when he sees a boat in the distance and a chance to be saved, he doesn’t signal for it, instead he hides.

Best Eleanor and Jasper Lines:

Eleanor: “I do like this eyeliner”

Jasper: “I like the eyes”

Eleanor: “Jasper don’t give up on me”

Jasper: “I won’t. Ever.”

In tough times, we find out what we’re made of. It’s been about a day or so since Liam was told that he’s no longer a prince, so the one-time future king ran off to a tavern to sing badly, brawl, have visions of his comatose father and wind up bloodied and crying in the rain. That’s kind of Prince Lame, but he makes up for it later. Coffee Girl somehow found him off-screen and got him back to Buckingham. Now that he’s unburdened by the duties of the monarchy he and Coffee Girl are free have cutesy discussions about caffeinated beverages in peace without being hounded by the paparazzi. After promising to run away with Ophelia, Liam finds a way to get around having to fly in economy class like a commoner, he essentially orders future-king Cyrus to let him hop a ride on the royal jet. This is the beginning of a happy ending, Liam will not back out after a six-hour flight, right?

As usual, Princess Eleanor is a BAMF and handles everything better than everyone else. Sultry brunettes, sporting smoky eyes and black leather can do whatever they damn well please. That’s why her plans always work out better than Ophelia’s and Gemma’s. She turns to Jasper for help. It goes like this:

Princess Eleanor: Remember the time I was in a snit and I got you arrested?

Jasper: Yeah.

Eleanor: I’m here to bail you out. Somebody might be trying to kill me. Dealing with a liar who kind of forced me into blackmail sex and, uh, “bowed down” to service, my mother, the Queen is my best option.

Jasper: I can never say no to you. Let’s go meet Brandon, that hooded stranger, who told you he killed Prince Robert. What could possibly go wrong?

Jasper really does have Eleanor’s back, though, he’s stashed plenty of firearms in her room in case she needs protection. He didn’t actually tell her about them until just now, which is unhelpful, but let’s just go with it. Jasper also says he only serviced the Queen because she blackmailed him with the threat to reveal his true identity. Irony. Eleanor and Jasper make the ill-advised decision to meet, Brandon, the hooded man under a bridge, what is he, a troll? He’s definitely a mercenary, who was paid to kill the prince in a drone strike or something and wants to ease his conscience. He suspects the palace was involved in Robert’s death.

TThe six-hour flight goes smoothly enough. The lovebirds get to enjoy the royal salted nuts (not that kind, pervs!) but then things get weird. It seems that when Liam passed out, the pendant he usually wears was replaced with another one, bearing a strange symbol Then Liam finds Dr. Cohen’s cell phone on the jet. The doctor who administered Liam and Eleanor’s paternity test apparently left London in a hurry, which is fishy. By the time the plane lands in New York, Liam tells  Ophelia he’s going back home, to avenge the attack on his father. He says they’ll be together “someday.” Getting the boot after six-hour flight stinks. At least Ophelia has her dance audition. The judges don’t look impressed. They’re always hiring at Starbucks

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In order to win over the public, Queen Elizabeth Hurley sits down for a confessional televised interview, tries to look ashamed of herself and reveals the name of her children’s father. Alistair Lacey is watching with bated breath for her to say his name, but Queen Elizebeth Hurley claims  some other guy, Henry, is the father. It gets worse, Lucius visits Alistair and says that the Queen needs him to steer clear for a while, then armed men enter Alistair’s home and shots are fired. That message to leave the Queen alone seems unnecessary now.

Liam returns to the palace, confronts Cyrus and beats the shit out of him. Gotta say I’m impressed with Liam. Not so much with Cyrus, who just cowers and whimpers. I guess Cyrus is more of a lover than a fighter. The beatdown comes to an end when Marcus enters to tell Liam to take his hands off the King. Yes, that means King Simon has flatlined. Cyrus enthusiastically removes the royal ring from his dead brother and places it on his own finger. Then he sits on the throne by himself.  It’s lonely at the top. Well, he’ll always have his two hideous redheaded daughters and that new baby. Forgot to mention, Prudence the Sexually Harassed maid is pregnant. Well, that certainly sounds like a royal mess.

Liam grieves the king, Eleanor grieves the king, Queen Liz Hurley applies lip gloss and smirks.