Excitement! The Bachelorette premieres tonight at 9 ET on ABC and Rachel Lindsay is the one doling out the roses. To fully enjoy the show, you need a primer by going back to all of  The Bachelor recaps from Nick’s season. Spoiler: There were only two women worth watching on the season: classy Rachel and sassy Corinne. Total opposites, but loveable in their own way. (Yeah, yeah, you hated Corinne. But we don’t so there!) In any case, they both lucked out. Rachel is now franchise royalty and will inevitably reach the most important Bachelor Nation goal, a slot on Dancing With The Stars. Corinne will go on to be the new Bachelor in Paradise bad girl because the crying “virgin” girl and that other one who is clearly a functioning alcoholic (It would be mean to name her ) are over the hill. So take a stroll down memory lane with Andrėe H.’s recaps and then tune in. Here’s what happened when last we met. — Elaine F.

Spoiler: Nick picked a bore. We’ll never hear from her again.

Elaine: I hope this “big surprise” at the finale isn’t Nick finally telling Raven he loves her or some other lame device. Of course, he’s going with the nag, so the question is moot.

Rose Marie: Oh God, another Bachelor surprise, the “this has never happened before” carrot. They do something like this every show and it’s always so lame.  Where is my wine????

Andrée: Things that would be awesome: Nick dumping whoever it is on stage for Corinne. Nick not proposing when he is supposed to at the end, but instead doing it live, Nick and whoever announcing they are pregnant and having a shotgun wedding, some drunk nobody that thought Nick was the love of her life springs onto the stage, tackles Nick and starts biting him. Things that will probably actually happen: Nick will sneeze three times in a row, more than one girl will decide they are going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, we will find out that some past couple is now grandparents.

Elaine: The most hyperbole thing in our Bachelor recaps ever happened! Andrée’s mom is in da house! The legendary woman who fended off a wild pig attack at the beach! The legendary woman who gave us Andrée. Honestly, this is the only thing keeping me off suicide watch tonight.

Andrée: You have to love Facebook comments! Bringing the bloggers together! Chris Harrison is making Nick sound so pathetic right now. Stop using the phrase “so desperately seeking” when referring to Nick trying to find a match. So this is where Santa lives eh? Is it the North Pole? I am confused; they didn’t explain that to my satisfaction. YAY! Nick’s family! The initial reason I started to like Nick!

Rose Marie: Santa lives in the North Pole, honey. His Reindeer spend time in Finland outside the Christmas Season. Santa goes there to visit them throughout the year.

Elaine: God, Vanessa is boring. Honestly, I wish bitchy Taylor had made it to the final two. Vanessa is too dull to hate-watch. As for poor Raven, there is no point watching any of her scenes. She’ll never be heard from again.

Andrée: Nick’s family is definitely being reserved this time around. They are asking all of the tough questions. It’s breaking my heart seeing his mom again. They were so convinced about Nick and Kaitlyn. Mr. H is just in complete disbelief that Nick dumped Corinne for the hick and some other girl he doesn’t remember at all.

Rose Marie: I thought Raven was handling herself pretty well. Saying the right things and scoring some parent points. She is sickeningly sweet though. Sort of like when you eat the whole batch of chocolate chip cookies!  Vanessa, just stick a needle in my eye and get it over with.  Gosh, I am not a fan. I feel like a traitor, should be supporting the Canadian girl but I just can’t.

Elaine: Vanessa is an insult to Canada. I mean, she’s no you, and she’s no Andrée and she’s no Justin Trudeau.

Rose Marie: I support exporting her to the USA, you can have her!

Elaine: WTF is Vanessa crying about? She just met Nick’s family, and she’s turning on the waterworks. It’s only 8:30 and I’ve already refilled my wine glass.

Andrée: This is f—ng painful. I hate her so much. She’s telling Nick’s mom she’s not ready to be engaged. Good. Be gone. Mr. H says if this is one of the chapters in her book, that’s a really boring book. They are now really making it look like the hick is going to win so maybe I change my vote. Vanessa is turning on the waterworks again. What a con artist. Ok, I hope the dramatic surprise is Corinne in a trenchcoat with a can of whipped cream, just saying.

Rose Marie: I like Nick’s Father. You always go for the girls with a strong personality.  How’s that worked for you son? Make a different choice this time dumbass.

Andrée: His father is giving him great advice, choose different women. Of course, he isn’t going to follow his dad’s advice and end up with an asshole no doubt.

Elaine: Two things about the on-camera Bachelor Nation audience. I feel bad for the man who is there. If he’s straight, the woman in his life should not drag him to this thing. It’s not like he even gets to see Corinne and her bouncy house bikini. Also, there is a bald woman. I don’t think it’s a fashion statement. I find myself concerned about her health. Chris Harrison gave her a hug so now; I have to do a #Thoughtsandprayers hashtag

Rose Marie: I missed all that…how did I miss that?  I blame it on Andrée she was sending me messages and distracting me!  My husband would divorce me if I tried to make him go to something like this.

Andrée: I missed all that too, but I was popping another bottle of champagne, so it’s not my fault. Oh, look, It’s a turd in a toque! Blech, I’m starting to get Andi-level hatred for Vanessa. Mr. H wants to know why Nick is at the Arctic Circle with no hat.

Elaine: That’s intense hatred. Andi Dorfman is high on the hate-watch index. Sometimes Mr. H and Mr. TV Recaps weigh in to mock the show or ogle Corinne, but dragging a husband to live show is a bit much. I refuse to acknowledge Santa. Not that I don’t love St. Nick as next as the next consumer, but this is not the time. And I don’t want them cheapening Santa.

Rose Marie: Why torture Santa, that’s unfair to him. OMG, she is crying again? More questioning…give me a break, why did you come on this show, Vanessa?  It’s all about falling in love in a short period of time and getting engaged at the end…

Andrée: Mr. H hopes Nick marries Santa Claus and wants to know if they have gay marriage in Finland. Santa’s loaded, he’s popular, he’s an executive with the best logistics in the world, he’s a catch. Hearing Vanessa compare her relationship to believing in Santa Claus makes me want to slit my throat.

Elaine: Nick said “I feel very strongly for you.” Or he said “sfgm fmal mgh.” Either way, it’s not as good as an “I love you.” Vanessa is pretending to be worried that he might “sfgm fmal mgh” for Raven too. As if.

Elaine: I was just telling Mr. TV Recaps that I’m on suicide watch now because I’m bored. And he said, “Is this the last one? Glory Hallelujah!”

Rose Marie: I think Vanessa might be on suicide watch after that little convo. Cry all you want, girl; he isn’t going to say I love you at this point. Try a new tactic.  I’m still torn about who he is going to choose. I’m not ready to count Raven out just yet.

Andrée: I don’t know, they are going out of their way to make it look like Vanessa is getting dumped, so I feel like it’s definitely going to be Vanessa and the big suspense will be whether or not she actually says yes. The show has been alluding to him getting potentially left at the altar all season. Let’s be frank; Raven would not be leaving him high and dry on his knees with a shiny ring. There is only one hardened bitch in this finale.

Elaine: I would love it if he picked Raven because it would be unexpected. I like that.

Rose Marie: Oh Mr. Andrée’s Dad just got home.  I’ll get him to bring me more wine from the fridge downstairs!!  I am much happier now!

Andrée: Wine is necessary in this situation. It’s the only thing that makes this show palatable. I am gutted that this date with Vanessa isn’t over yet. I can’t possibly listen to any more of his bullshit and any more of her being annoyed.

Elaine: I have to look up Raven’s height. She looks short, which is a bonus. Actually, she looks like a cute little doll. The problem with Nick is, he looks so genuine with each of them. That’s why he’s got at last seven Bachelor Nation notches on the bedpost.

Rose Marie: Her bio says she is 5’ 6”.  Hey, Andrée isn’t that the height you claimed to be when you tried to get that modeling gig in Halifax!!

Andrée: Wow, Mom you don’t even know my height. Tsk Tsk. I’m 5’6” and a half,  thank you and I claimed to be 5’8” :p Oh, wow. Mr. H just said, and I quote: “Wow, I escaped poverty to not have to marry a chick like this, and this guy is competing to get to marry her.”

Rose Marie: Remembering your height is the least of the things I need to clutter my brain with.

Andrée: I’m deeply hurt.

Rose Marie: Have a drink of champagne and get over it.

Elaine: Oh, that’s statuesque. I lied on a medical question the other day. I pretended to be 5’1” I added a quarter of an inch. I rounded up. Wait, what the hell are they sitting on? That better not be a dead reindeer. Dogs!!! There are dogs on this date! That makes this a great date. Ice skating and dogs. This is my second favorite date this season. Can’t beat my girl Rachel and the second line in New Orleans.

Rose Marie: Let’s just go with fake animal pelt. Making out on the ice, sitting on fake animal pelts by a fire and puppies. What else could you ask for?  You know my hubby plays Sousaphone in a second line band in Halifax!

Andrée: I would ask for everything in the world but this date. All I see is cold and wet and misery. Raven is just 100% convinced she’s getting proposed to tomorrow.

Rose Marie: You’ve never been a fan of anything that takes place in the cold, or rain, or fog, or wind.  OK, let’s face it, you only like sun as long as there are no bugs.

Elaine: I want to get back to Mr. Andrée’s father and the second line. That’s amazing. I will put on my parka and join the parade.

Rose Marie: In fact, I think they played a few songs at Andrée and Mr. H’s wedding at some point during the night.  But I digress…

Elaine: That was my second favorite wedding in the whole world. Well, I have to include my sister-in-law so it’s in the top three. Nick just said the sweetest thing to Raven, “Umgh ljem hermsip.”

Andrée: I have to say it was totally my favorite wedding ever!

Rose Marie: It was pretty special. It scares me that I am starting to understand most of his mumbling.

Elaine: It scares me that I think Nick is kind of hot. It’s the rakish smile. He’s definitely no Mr. TV Recaps who is a dreamboat. And he’s not Justin Trudeau who is my pretend boyfriend.

Rose Marie: I almost spit out my wine!! LOL! Ahhh, little Raven is so sweet and sincere.

Elaine: She is. I’m so fickle. I like her now. If he breaks her heart, I hope she ends up finding love on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m way too invested.

Andrée: I love Nick but Raven doesn’t do it for me. Although if it was Corinne, they probably wouldn’t be sitting in Finland right now. They’d be on a yacht, and she’d be half naked, and I would be happy instead of contemplating suicide. Mr. H is now texting Mr. TV Recaps attempting to escape this finale. Apparently, a blizzard isn’t quite enough to keep Mr. H on the couch watching this crap.

Elaine: I saw that text. It was a cry for help.

Rose Marie: Nick should pick Raven. He would always be the best person she has ever had sex with!  What more does he want? It’s a lifetime of studliness.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it Andi!!

Elaine: That is a brilliant point. I think Raven may have fibbed a little about that, but if it makes Nick feel good and thwarts Andi, I’m all for it.

Rose Marie: Exactly. What a great move on her part!  She may have a little bit of schemer under all that sweet.

Andrée: It’s the right thing to do, she would never leave him. Nick’s not one for making good choices though unfortunately.

Elaine: I had a salient point to make it, but the wine made me forget. Oh, wait, I remember. I should know better, but Chris Harrison is making me believe that hyperbole will happen tonight. It’s like Charlie Brown and the football. And besides, the best After the Final Rose will always be Jason Mesnick dumping Melissa and telling Molly he loved her. I loved Molly too. The only way Nick tops that is if he announces that he’s now a polygamist and will marry both girls and move to Utah.

Rose Marie: I loved Jason and was so happy when he dumped Melissa.  Molly was obviously the best choice.  That was a dramatic moment for sure! Nick couldn’t handle two women. You can only mumble around so much.

Andrée: I didn’t watch that season, I feel like I missed out. Mr. H pointed out that the chick with the bald head may in fact just be a lesbian as she is sitting next to another chick with a half shaved head with short purple hair. He also observed that Nick’s real problem is he has horrible taste in women. I have to agree.

Rose Marie: OMG really, you missed that!!  You def have deprived yourself.

Elaine: I did notice who the bald lady was sitting next to and it makes me think Mr. H is correct. Dear God, is this episode still going on? I’m feeling bad for Raven now. I suspect I’m going to see her dress first. I’d like to take a moment to praise Chateau St. John Chardonnay. It’s the perfect white for a summer night. The warm vanilla and brown spice aroma is as comforting as hot cocoa. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.

Rose Marie: Why did they choose a location that’s bitter cold?  You can’t even see the dresses.

Elaine: It adds to the ladies masochism. Oh, dear. I just saw an ad for Nick on The Dancing with the Stars ad. The sexy meter is dipping.

Rose Marie: Please tell me you are kidding.  Thank goodness I don’t watch that show.  I just saw it too….garçon, garçon I need more wine!!

Elaine: I don’t watch it either. Surprisingly, I have limits.

Andrée: Even I have that limit! Mental note, Raven’s dress is long and grey with a long black coat, and then in the other corner, we have Vanessa in all black. Mr. H says if we are going off how these two look entering the limo, Vanessa for the win. Limo door is opening, and what do we see – ouch, it’s grey. Fairy tale over, Raven.

Rose Marie: Ahhh mannnn!!  I think I knew she was too sweet for it to work.  But I didn’t want to admit it.  I worry about her being eaten alive in Paradise though.

Elaine: Yeah, but she could be the one sweet girl to make it. I’d like to take a moment to praise Popyeyes drive-thru. The authentic Louisiana seasonings transport you to New Orleans. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.

Andrée: I’m currently praying to the Bachelor gods that Raven does not go to Bachelor in Paradise. What Raven needs now, and I’ve said this before is a Hitachi Magic Wand. Settle in with The Notebook; some Ben and Jerry’s and your new magic wand and discover what controlling your own orgasms are like, it will totally soothe your pain. Ad dollars or freebies welcome

Rose Marie: Oh gosh, stop talking Raven…look at his face…this is not a good sign for you. I’ve never had Popeyes. I’m drinking Mr. Andrée’s Dad’s homemade wine.

Elaine: The second line and the homemade wine?! He is my second favorite husband. Well, I have to include my new brother-in-law, so top three.

Rose Marie: And the boat, don’t forget that!!

Elaine: Sorry new brother-in-law, you just dropped down. I mean, I did spend a lot of time down below, the water was choppy. Next time, I’ll man up.

Rose Marie: LOL It’s even better now we have a fridge so cold beer and wine.  And we just bought an ice maker to bring on board this summer!! But back to the show…bye Raven, sorry you just had your heart ripped to shreds.

Elaine: Do you have a unicorn? I think you need a unicorn. Raven, you will be better in the long run. Go have orgasms with someone else now. You can do it. At least she’ll be a star in Hoxie. Pop. 8.

Rose Marie: Yes Raven, never settle for a man that doesn’t satisfy you sexually.  It isn’t all about them!!  

Andrée: She’s a country girl, she’s going to settle. Buy a Hitachi Raven you can thank me later.

Elaine: I feel like Nick’s tears are playing me. Different time, different place and it would be up to 8 notches, young man.

Andrée: I’m pretty angry, I haven’t cried once. Usually, I cry even if I can’t stand the girl. I have no emotions watching this girl get her heart broken.

Rose Marie:  Your heart is cold as ice!! Okay, now we have to watch him propose to Vanessa.  Sigh……

Elaine: The suspense isn’t killing me.

Andrée: There isn’t even a lake she could potentially trip and fall into for our entertainment. I actually feel like her dress looked better with the little jacket.

Rose Marie: Oh, did we just get a hint from Chris that the big historic moment has something to do with Rachel??

Andrée: This big surprise better not be the show giving itself another pat on the back for having a black Bachelorette.

Elaine: I heard that too, but I thought it was just the Chateau St. John talking. How can that be the surprise? We already know she’s The Bachelorette. And agreed with the show’s self-congratulatory attitude. The Bachelor producers think they get the award for finally doing something they should have done before. What do you think the surprise is?

Rose Marie: Not sure, maybe meet some of the potential bachelors??

Elaine: This is a very emotional proposal. I wish I cared more. I should be secretly crying because I’m too invested. But I’m not crying. I’m just reaching for another delicious drumstick from Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen.

Andrée: No tears here. Just a complete lack of emotion and interest. Nothing like telling a guy you are crazy and emotional leading up to his proposal.

Rose Marie: Have a big drink of wine that’ll bring tears to your eyes!!  

Elaine: Done and done. I may regret this in the morning, but it’s not the morning. Live in the moment.

Rose Marie: That’s my motto.  Well, isn’t this great, the USA gets a new citizen!!

Andrée: Her family was pretty adamant that he move to Canada so we shall see.

Elaine: If she had a brain in her head, she’d be staying up there with Justin Trudeau. I’ll take her place. Then I can go from cyberstalking JT to actual stalking. Dreamy sigh.

Rose Marie: The most shocking dramatic moment in Bachelor history ever!!!!!! Chris needs new writers.

Elaine: Really? Truly? Maybe Chris Harrison is telling me the truth this time.  I literally have four chicken bones and an empty bottle of wine in front of me.

Rose Marie: I just have an empty wine glass, not sure how I ended up in this predicament.

Andrée: It’s for Rachel eh, I’m hoping it’s a man covered in sushi. Or Corinne popping out of a cake.

Elaine: I need another bottle and I need to find out where my dog went. He may be trying to make scientific history with a cat. Long story.

Rose Marie: I don’t even want to ask. Bachelor in Paradise!!!!!!!! Yes Raven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elaine: Good for Raven. May you find love or at least a second orgasm in Paradise. Oh, my Rachel is coming up. She’s so pretty. Yes, Rachel, yes! Represent!

Andrée: Booo, Raven will be the new annoying chick on BIP I guess since Carly shacked up with that freako Evan. This damn surprise better not be that she will have the most amount of men ever to choose from because that always gets confusing.

Rose Marie: No she won’t, we’ll like Raven in Paradise.  I’m sure she can have lots of orgasms in paradise if she wants!!  Good girl gone bad.  Wait is that a different show or movie??? I love Rachel!!

Elaine: I love her almost as much as I love Salmon Creek Cabernet Sauvignon and Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds. Your ad dollars are welcome.

Rose Marie: Well that’s saying something!

Elaine: The Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds have distracted the dog. So we won’t have any cuppies. Those are cat puppies.

Rose Marie: I’m glad you explained that!

Andrée: You might want to put down that bottle if visions of cuppies are running through your head, Elaine.

Elaine: It’s gonna be funny when Mr. TV Recaps finally returns to the room and finds me passed out surrounded by chicken bones, pork rinds and an empty bottle of wine. Vanessa’s yammering makes me peckish. Side note: It’s not even my cat. Long story.

Rose Marie: I expect Mr. TV Recaps will handle it!  Vanessa is just such a yadayada. Nick has chosen a life of being nagged, oh what fun.

Andrée: Yeah big surprise, her first comment is how some days are hard. Stupid bitch. Did she just say she’s never watched a season? Well, stupid is as stupid does.

Elaine: Vanessa is not as fun as The Tastiest Crunch in the South. I honestly am so bored with her that I’m considering letting the dog go to the fantasy suite with the cat.

Andrée: PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE. STEP AWAY FROM THE PETS.

Rose Marie: A toothache is more fun than Vanessa.  I have absolutely no comeback for the dog/cat fantasy suite. Good thing my wine is gone, I’d be spitting it out again. Are we at the surprise yet?  No…damn.

Elaine: Are you there, God? It’s us, TVRD. Please let something interesting happen. Or I’ll keep writing about pork rinds.

Andrée: What a surprise the naggy bitch turned out to be a naggy bitch. Nick hasn’t even come out yet and I can already tell they are done. I’m also excited about the future. The future in which we never have to see you again, Vanessa. Ouch, they even had a shitty kiss! The only time Vanessa sounded passionate is when she talked about her ring.

Rose Marie: There is no saving us, they are still talking about how they fight. I am feeling so optimistic for their future, NOT!

Elaine: The thing about pork rinds is that they have 0 grams of carbs. And there are only 10 calories per pork rind.

Rose Marie: Mr. Andree’s Dad has brought them home before, and they were not bad.

Elaine: I want an endorsement deal. And not Cuppies.

Rose Marie: Hahaha, Vanessa is going to move to the USA.  I wonder if Trumpkin will let her in?

Elaine: She’s bound to be detained. You know, it’s my sister-in-law’s cat. I bet I’d make a pretty penny if this Cuppie thing happened. Dear God, please let’s just get on to Rachel.

Rose Marie: Cuppies…it’s a catchy phrase.  I have to be careful here, I don’t want to be seen as encouraging your ideas!!  So Rachel has no idea what is about to happen. Chris is baiting us.

Elaine: I don’t want to be seen as encouraging the dog’s ideas. I think he doesn’t really understand consent.

Andrée: Mr. TV Recaps, YOU ARE NEEDED! #savethecat #getthatdogaplushtoy

Rose Marie: I almost fell off the couch laughing at that one , Andrée. Just remember a drunk yes is a no!!

Elaine: Heh, I’ll tell him. Rachel is so pretty. A drunk Elaine is bi.

Rose Marie: Thank heavens Nick and Vanessa are gone. Wow, Rachel looks amazing!!  The girls are out and everything!!

Andrée: Definitely Mrs and Mr. H approved. Aww, I just remembered we don’t get BIP right away first we do The Bachelorette.

Elaine: That’s right, girl. Push ‘em up and flaunt ‘em. That’s how I nabbed Mr. TV Recaps.

Rose Marie: My best friend always says, “Boobs rule the world”.

Elaine: She is correct. And let’s not forget an eye-catching posterior.

Rose Marie: Or a platinum vagine.

Elaine: Ding, ding, ding! That is the most important. I’m dating Justin Trudeau and Rachel, yet, I don’t understand the whole surprise factor. Wait, whaaaaa? The hell? Did Chris just say The Bachelorette starts right now? Damn it, the wine and pork rinds have me so confused.

Andrée: If and only if you are actually able to show off the platinum vagine! 

Rose Marie: Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…this was an epic surprise.  However, I guessed it earlier tonight!!!  Just sayin’…do I get a prize?

Andrée: Your prize is you got to see the beginning of The Bachelorette already. Woo freaking hoo.

Elaine: I’m still so confused. Chris Harrison said she’d meet her first guy. Is he her first guy? What is happening?

Rose Marie: You have had too much wine!!  He is introducing her to the first guy after the commercial break!!  

Andrée: What did these guys do to get the preferential treatment? Twitter is blowing up right now.

Elaine: It’s not too much wine, it’s product placement. I hope the first guy is cute.

Rose Marie: I stand corrected. This is fun, makes everything that came before this worth it.

Andrée: Shows up with tickets to Vegas and a ring. Sold!

Elaine: Oooh, look at that. Nation of Islam in da house. Nice bowtie, cutie. Second guy, meh.

Rose Marie: First guy is cute. Second guy nope. Bye bye Blake, let’s not waste our time.

Andrée: Eww. Pass on Blake. He is painful. I hate him already.

Elaine: So, Chris Harrison didn’t lie for once. This third one is kinda cute. Okay, the racial quip with the whole “Once you go black” thing is grounds for dismissal. Too soon, white guy, too soon. You gotta wait before you start with that.

Rose Marie: Ohhh, damn he went there. My jaw dropped a bit.

Andrée: He’s def getting the boot. He got no air time, she’s like “See ya.”

Elaine: Once Mr. Justin Trudeau goes black, he won’t go back to Canada. Fourth guy. Meh. Well, the goofy dance made me love him a little bit. I’m so fickle.

Rose Marie: I think he might be fun. I like the dance.  Mr. JT is attractive but you know he is not a charismatic as his Father was.  His Father wasn’t good looking, but had every woman in Canada in love with him.

Andrée: He sucks. Hate him. Hate everything about him. No goofy dance will make up for that terrible intro. I only like 1 out of the 4

Elaine: I did not know that. Well, JT has one woman here who loves him. The show is over already. Thanks for making it the best recap in Bachelor history!!!

Rose Marie: It was my pleasure, I’m happy to have participated in the drama!!  Now we wait until May for the fun to begin!!

Andrée: That was pretty good. I don’t know if it was to the level of any of my guesses, but it’s better than I expected. I hate to have to sit through another Bachelorette before we get to the show I love, but I will spend my time happily shopping for Corinne’s husband for Bachelor in Paradise and tweeting her about it. May 22 will be the start of Rachel’s season, then Bachelor in Paradise!!!! I tip my glass to you ladies and look forward to continuing our rants; I mean recaps in May!

Andrée: I am not looking forward to the first part of tonight, obviously, but I am looking forward to seeing Corinne again during The Women Tell All. Three hours straight, this is going to require copious amounts of champagne to get through. I love how the previews are basically all about The Women Tell All. They might as well come right out and say press fast forward on the first hour and a half of this crap.

Elaine: That Finland fantasy suite rustic igloo love pod looks fun. Theory: Raven totally fibbed about never having an orgasm so that she could bolster Nick’s ego in the fantasy suite. Clever girl. That “Yay, I had great sex.” montage makes me hate this show and myself. I picture mean old Andi and Kaitlyn sitting around talking trash over wine. I’m glad we’re not like that.

Andrée: If I didn’t like Raven before, her after-sex montage definitely sealed the deal on my pure hatred for her. On that note, I’m popping my second bottle already. It’s going to be a long night.

Elaine: Here comes my girl Rachel in her cute knit hat and fur pompom.

Andrée: Trust me Rachel, nothing about cross country skiing is fun. Where is the booze on this date? Honestly, I can’t get into watching this date with Rachel knowing she ends up getting the boot. I don’t understand why they spilled the beans early on that one. Especially with Corinne gone, Rachel is by far the only good one left.

Elaine:  Aww, Rachel, just told Nick she’s scared and he sweetly said: “gruhl mph. Hmnk.” Wait, where are they? F-ck that Finland fantasy suite rustic igloo love pod looks fun. Rachel has a chalet. Those penguin onesies, tho. I love her.

Andrée: Round Two of Nick getting it in. Ding, Ding. Coming up: a snoozy bitch fest with Vanessa. Be still my beating heart. Oh, this date is all about torturing Vanessa. Okay, that I can get into. Now they are in a outdoor hottub, much more pleasant; 9 out of 10 people would be engaged in a hot makeout session. Vanessa is going on about her Sunday traditions and how non-compliance is a deal-breaker for her.

Elaine: Vanessa is wasting time. Nick’s turned into quite the cutie. I like the rakish smile. No wonder he’s got seven Bachelor Nation notches on his bedpost, That’s the word on the street.

Andrée: Nick’s seeing what it feels like inside a Canadian, eh? Make that 8.

Elaine:  Vanessa thinks he’s gonna move to Canada? I love that he told her he’s “proud to be an American.” Damn, right. He wants that poontang, not poutine. Okay, we know Rachel’s the next Bachelorette. This rose ceremony suspense isn’t killing me. She’s doing a pretty limo cry, working that Lauren Conrad mascara streak.

Andrée: Wow, I am so shocked that Rachel doesn’t end up marrying Nick. *rolls eyes* This whole episode was pointless and insufferable.

Elaine: He’s obviously going to pick the nag. Does he dump Vanessa before or after Dancing with the Stars? Does she get to keep the Neil Lane ring anyway? I don’t imagine we’ll ever see Vanessa again. “Core values” don’t get you to Bachelor in Paradise, do they? Predictions?

Andrée: Honestly, I think he is going to pick the hick. He doesn’t want to move to Canada, he wants to live in LA for endorsement deals. And he has no self-confidence so I think he’ll go for the one that definitely will never break up with him. And who wants to be nagged every night for the rest of their lives? *shudder*

This national nightmare The Bachelor’s season finale is tonight at 8/7c on ABC.

Here we go, the hometown date elimination. Which girl’s family sucks the most? Before we get to all that, ex-Bachelorette Andi Dorfman, shows up to advise her punching bag, Nick Vialls. We have The Bachelor statistician and Canadian minister of awesome Andrée H. to break it all down. — Elaine F

Andrée: I want to throw up just looking at Andi Dorman’s stupid face. I hate her so much. Her little snide comment about four girls actually sticking around. Get off my TV,  Andi. You already ruined two other seasons for me. This is the worst possible way to start an episode. Nick shouldn’t be talking about his regrets when she wrote a book talking about how he was terrible in the sack. So that was just completely pointless? There was no point to that whatsoever?

Elaine: When it comes to rolling my eyes at Andi Dorfman, I’m an OG original. Why is Andi asking about Nick’s plans for fantasy suite? I was hoping she was going to say: “Try not to suck at it.”

Andrée: She practically did. I am so glad that bit is over. I now have the heebie-jeebies.

Elaine: Which girl will get eliminated? They previewed my girl Rachel in Finland at the beginning of the season. Just now, they showed a preview of Raven in Finland. Spoiler much, ABC? Sheesh.

Andrée: In my mind, Vanessa is going, she had the crappiest hometown date easily. These bitches are freezing. They should set up a wind guard or something. God, Corinne’s coat is fabulous. I need one. I notice during the entire ceremony Corinne has a tear down her face. I wonder what was said that we didn’t hear. I’m shocked Nick didn’t pick Corinne, it seems like she is the only one he has any chemistry with whatsoever. She would have stayed with him forever too, if only for the publicity. I know I should be happy because this means that she is going to stay in the Bachelor franchise forever, but I honestly think they would have been good together. Well, I big-time hate this episode.

Elaine:  Corinne: “My heart is breaking. How will I go on? Driver, take me to Bachelor in Paradise. Imma take a nap.”

Andrée: If I didn’t have to write this blog I would turn off the television.

Elaine:  Thank you for your service. Oh, boy, ANOTHER contestant who announces that she’s had a nonexistent or lousy sex life. There is always one. Nick’s going to do all the heavy lifting in that fantasy suite.

Andrée: I am in no way surprised Ravn’s had a nonexistent sex life. I’m not watching her date, it’s on the TV but I’m too focused on tweeting Corinne.

Elaine: Did Raven say she never had an orgasm because she “didn’t trust” her boyfriend “to get her there?” At the risk of being indelicate, since when did clits get so demanding? Oh, FFS now she’s talking about her dad praying for her.  Way to get in the mood with the dirty talk.

Andrée: Somebody buy this chick a Hitachi, stat!

Elaine: As with so many things you say, I’m afraid to ask what that means, so I’m moving on. This fantasy suite cabin is marvelous. I want Mr. TV Recaps to take me to that sex cabin. Unlike Raven’s ex, he’ll make sure I see those Northern Lights.

Andrée: Nothing I can say will top that!

Elaine: Yay, they just announced that next week is a three-hour episode! I have something to live for. Aside from Mr. TV Recaps. And the dog. And wine.

Andrée: Man they are going to stretch the next two dates into 3 hours? Or will it be 2 hours of dates and an hour of Women Tell All? They should ban the mental health counselor so she doesn’t ruin any of my precious Corinne time.

Elaine: Wait, this episode is only one hour? Dafuq? This is some bullshit.

Andrée: Thank god. F you The Bachelor this episode was the worst!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Andrée: It seems crazy to me that we are already at hometowns! I guess Nick has been booting girls left, right and center so it would make sense that things seem so sped up! The four girls that we have left could not be more different from each other. Raven is like the small town weird girl, Vanessa is the nagging mom type, Rachel is a straight talker and Corinne is a stuck up rich bitch.

Elaine: Hometown dates are my least favorite episode.They are so predictable. The exceptions are JoJo Fletcher’s psychotic brothers and Clare Crawley’s horrid sister. JoJo’s  brothers were itching to murder Ben Higgins. Claire Crawley from Juan Pablo’s season had a sister who is mad that Claire’s the pretty one.  Here we go with Raven in South Tumbleweed. She was a shoo-in for the hometowns. The Bachelor producers can’t resist a hokey hometown. They did that with Chris Soules and all the girls had to pretend they wanted to move to some town in Iowa with a population of 429. Really, that’s the population. Beautiful, glamorous Britt Nilsson wasn’t a good enough actress to pull it off.  She went from “WTF kind of s-hithole is this?” to “I mean, wow, I LOVE towns without a Sephora! Let’s go milk a pig.”

Andrée: You are forgetting the year that Desiree’s brother scared off her man and she got dumped. At least that scored her a run as The Bachelorette. I already hate this date. I love how she thinks she is bringing the sexy. She wouldn’t know what sexy was if it slapped her in the face. She’s taking him to the sacred grain bins. They are now getting in trouble with the cops. Worst date ever. Eww. The cop is her brother. Even worse. She sucks so bad she’s getting beat at her own hick games. Eww I that water looks stagnant. This is so disgusting. I am so grossed out right now.

Elaine: I’m bored. I can’t make it through Raven’s hometown. How the hell is it that it’s after 8 and I’m not drinking? Imma get some wine and wait for something interesting to happen. Call me when they get to the square dance.

Andrée: So far they are just getting gross diseases from stagnant water. That wasn’t much of a reaction to her Dad being cancer free. She looks nothing at all like her parents. I wonder what she looks like without the fake hair and tan? Poor Raven. Her dad thinks that Nick is the most serious love interest she’s ever had. Soooo she’s had nothing then I am guessing? Noooo Raven you aren’t in love with him, he isn’t even in like with you! I’m glad she didn’t say it, Nick would have sent her back home to her parents for sure.

Elaine: Yesss! It’s time for my beloved Rachel. Since ABC already announced that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, I guess her scenes are previews to her season. Their date is a black church service. Cliché, much? No offense to Jesus.

Andrée: I saw the preview to Corinne’s date and I so want to fast forward. I’m sorry but this is the most horrible date in the world. If some dude took me to church for a date I would be legitimately angry. I would melt the second I tried to walk in the door, I can’t like Rachel anymore. She’s dead to me. I just want to fast forward to Corinne. So much better than church. OMG now they are talking about church.

Elaine: I wish ABC hadn’t pat themselves on the back by repeatedly trumpeting that she’s the first black Bachelorette. She’s cute, accomplished and fun. The audience would have figured out the black part without so many reminders. That said, Rachel’s family is keeping it real with this conversation about race. The climate has gotten uglier since the Russians elected the Head Racist in Charge.

Andrée: This date is so weird and fake. It is literally just a long conversation about race, between different groups of people. I wish they weren’t making this so weird and awkward. It could have been organic.

Elaine: Time for Corinne! Yay! The sole reason to take Corinne to hometowns is so we can get scenes of her indentured nanny.  Rachel’s family: “So, you will have to confront racism.” Corinne’s family: “So you will have to buy Corinne lots of stuff. Neil Lane is for poor people. You’re going to need that Dancing with the Stars moola.” Props to Corinne’s mom for pointing out that this is “fantasy.” Right on. Bad news: No Corinne and Nick televised wedding and reality show. Good news: Corinne is going to the best thing to ever happen to Bachelor in Paradise. She’ll get her own reality show. Hey, did they give details on the “multimillion dollar  business” Corinne “owns?”

Andrée: Corinne time!! YAY!!! Shopping time! I want Corinne’s life so much. The dressing room is your holy ground. Yes, Corinne, yes it is. If I was there with you right now sipping on champagne we wouldn’t even need Nick. Can I marry Corinne? She is my dream woman. My dream woman. Uh-oh, she said I love you, that’s a death sentence on this show. Raquel!! I’m more excited to see her then the fam. I’m not even sure I knew she was Greek. I love Raquel she seems so sweet. I think her Dad is loaded drunk. His Dad is just pulling out the carpet from underneath her. Nick is going to have a ton of money from endorsements, he has nothing to worry about. They are ruining everything! I’m scared they might have scared Nick off despite what he said as he was leaving. I just need for them to be together forever.

Elaine: Vanessa is dull AF, but at least Nick gets to visit Montreal. You must be pleased. This hometown is all about how saintly Vanessa is with her special needs students. She’s a shoo-in for final two. Vanessa’s family: We’ll hate you if you hurt her. Me: Get the tissues ready, he’s gonna dump her, go on Dancing with the Stars and continue to screw his way across Bachelor Nation. Yes, I’ve come to terms with the sad truth Nick won’t give me a televised wedding. I read that he’s sexed up seven women in the franchise. That’s Kaitlyn Bristowe, Andi Dorfman, his one-time stand with Liz Sandoz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Who are the other four? I guess he could have given the final four off-camera time. Theories?

Andrée: Not excited for Vanessa’s date at all. She’s the worst. First up bringing him to meet a bunch of students. This date sucks so bad. Poor Nick, first stagnant water, then church, then a brief reprieve full of shopping and bubbles, then this crap. Wait. She’s wearing leather pants to teach a bunch of special needs adults. Vanessa has a bit of a naughty streak, eh? Still not enough to save face. She’s a terrible representative of Canada. Well, he got with that one boring girl on BIP. At least one, maybe another. Then I am sure he has already banged a few girls on this season we don’t know about. Ugh, I can’t stand Vanessa’s family. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree for that girl. No proposal blessing for Nick, that should make it easier to get rid of her. Has Vanessa not watched this show? Of course, he asked all the dads that. Otherwise, we would know who he was going to marry, duh.

Elaine: Since this date is in Canada. I want Justin Trudeau to show up. He’s so dreamy. Can you put in a good word for me so I can get Canadian citizenship?

Andrée: I honestly think Nick is going to marry Corinne. I have all the good feelings it’s going to happen. The other two suck so bad and they’ve announced Rachel as The Bachelorette. Sure, we are all buddies back in Canada, I’ll put in the good word at 24 Sussex.

Elaine: Okay, finally the cruelest Bachelor tradition, Nick has to tell some girl: “I was falling in love with you but your family sucks. Bye!” Wait, what? Andi Dorfman is showing up at his door? Welp, this episode was a bust but at least we get a cliffhanger.

Andrée: OMG I want to live in this Brooklyn penthouse that Nick is pacing in dramatically. Ooooh the night view is awesome too. Eww, Andi. Speaking of bitches I hate.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

The Bachelor is getting brutal as hometown dates approach. Some girls (Corinne) will stop at nothing. Thankfully, we have Canadia ambassador and The Bachelor scholar Andrée H. to analyze Corinne’s vagine. Take it away! — Elaine F.

Andrée: Show opens up just jumping straight into the drama. Nick isn’t sure if he wants to stay, none of the girls know if Nick, is, in fact, feeling them, Corinne has some serious bedhead…here we go!

Elaine: Sigh, Nick’s man tears are not impressing me. Neither are the girls acting like The Bachelor season is going to wrap here and now. There are five girls I recognize: Raven, Rachel, Danielle M., Corinne, Vanessa and some girl whose name I never bothered to learn. Girl, bye. If I don’t know who you are by now, thy name is cannon fodder.

Andrée: It was all a trick! Nick wants to stay! What a shocker! On top of everything no rose ceremony! Today is a good day!

Elaine: What a tense nail-biter. I thought he was going to wander into the sea and ask Chris Harrison to take over Chris would be great at this because no matter what you did, he’d be enthused. “Wifey, these are the MOST TASTY scrambled eggs ever!” “Please tell me more about your day in minute detail., this is the MOST STIMULATING conversation ever!”

Andrée: I’m guessing Chris Harrison is chronically single because he has his hand’s free with Bachelorette hopefuls. Bimini looks gorgeous! And it’s really fun, apparently! I can’t believe that hometowns are next week. I really hope that we get to meet Corinne’s nanny. Vanessa gets the one-on-one date if she manages to stay alive with the killer looks Corinne is shooting her way.

Elaine:  Bimini is the  MOST SCENIC location ever. It’s breathtaking. And that villa. I want to live in that villa. F-ck the rest of this episode, I just want decor porn.

Andrée: I am a little bored with Vanessa. All her conversations with Nick just feel too deep. It makes me wonder if they have much more of a connection than what they have showed us on screen. Watching them kiss in the water, it does feel very genuine.

Elaine: Vanessa and Nick seem natural together. She bores me, but I think  she’ll be “winner.” Or maybe Danielle M. The Bachelor usually goes for the bland girl. He passed over pretty, witty, fun Molly for Melissa, but then came to his senses at the MOST SHOCKING After the Final Rose and begged Molly for another chance. I loved it. They are still married. I love them.

Andrée: I feel terrible for Vanessa. She said I love you and he responded basically with yeah “I felt fake love on here before too.”  Ouch.

Elaine: Is that what he said? I thought he said: “gleou plig ght hokelmaom.” That’s a gentle warning: “Look girl, after a few Us magazine covers, I’m going on Dancing with the Stars. SPOILER: You’re not gonna be the Bachelorette. You’re not slutty enough for Bachelor in Paradise.

Andrée: Poor li’l Corinne isn’t getting all of the attention on the group date. I’m trying to pay attention but I really just want to skip ahead to the part where she tries to sleep with him. I guess I’ll have to deal with watching them swim with sharks for now.

Elaine: Nick is tired of having to dump girls. Nick wants the shark to make the choice for him.” It’ll be the BLOODIEST group date ever.

Andrée: Watching Corinne chow down on that cheese is cracking me up. In all honesty though. if you put a huge plate of cheese in front of me I’d do the same.

Elaine: Hell, yeah!

Andrée: Good on Corinne for bringing up that she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet,  that’s kind of crazy being that next week is hometowns. Of course Raven, the one person whose scenes put me to sleep, gets the group date rose and first ticket to hometowns. Wishing I could fast forward to the sex scene!

Elaine: Corinne doesn’t need a one-on-one, she’s always on top of him. After she lured him into a bouncy house, what else does he need to know? They have to give Raven a hometown. In the pilot, she was standing in front of the sign, Pop. 8. This show loves that kind of thing. Her hair looks longer every week. Extensions?

Andrée: Now Nick is questioning his relationship with Danielle. He really is failing at this gig. He’s dumping another one? Wow.

Elaine: Welp, so much for my crystal ball. Danielle would be the MOST CLINICALLY DEPRESSED last girl standing. She’s too fragile for this show.

Andrée: “I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick, I would.” Another wonderful Corinne quote.

Elaine: Let’s not get crazy, Corinne. You could never handle a shack

Andrée: YES! It’s time for the platinum vagine!  Right away Nick offers her a drink, and OH, it’s bubbles. A man after my own heart. YAY!  She’s bringing him to his bed. This is making me so happy right now. The porn music in the background is amazing. “You must have two hands on at all times, never jiggle, lightly massage.” Amazing. He’s telling her to slow down, NOOOOO Nick. Do it. You made Kaitlyn do it, now you do it.

Elaine: Poor Corinne. Her platinum vagine was not genuine. It’s some silverplate vagine from QVC. Well, thanks for giving us a terrific new word: “vagine.”

Andrée: This is a true walk of shame.

Elaine: I have a theory about our little Corinne. When Corinne was about 19, she saw Courtney’s season and found a spirit guide. She talks hilarious trash in her ITMS, used the phrase “winning,” which she got from Courtney, who got it from Charlie Sheen when it was relevant. She makes blatant seduction attempts. She doesn’t have Courtney’s game. My girl Courtney initiated secret skinny-dipping with Ben. And based on her memoir, there was penetration. Sadly, the waves kept knocking them over, so he only got the tip in. But it made enough of an impression to get that final rose. Maybe in a couple of years, Corinne will have stepped up her temptress game.

Andrée: The ocean was the smart part. That way Ben could pretend like nothing happened. Corinne went in too direct, all Nick style. This date with Rachel feels really fun and relaxed.

Elaine:  Nick is choosing good dates. The outings are fun and something you’d actually do with your man. I think some of the girls think their “life” with The Bachelor is going to be all helicopter rides and private concerts.

Andrée: They are really making it look like Corinne is going home so I am just going to hope that that is The Bachelor just being assholes. Oh yay, it’s Christina, thank God.

Elaine: Oh, bye girl whom I never paid attention to. I like how playful the girls are with each other.  They are totes gonna be Instagram friends. Some friends are for a season, some friends are for a reason and some friends put cheese on your head when you fall asleep.

Andrée: If someone stacked cheese on my head while I was sleeping, I would shred their rose ceremony dresses to pieces.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

The last episode of The Bachelor to me shows the absurdity of the premise of the show. Take 30 random strangers and at the end of a few weeks with few interactions, marry one of them. Nick is clearly troubled by his on-again-off-again feelings for these contestants.  What is he worried about, exactly? In his role it is not likely that he will get to the final two and someone will reject his proposal. So it is more that he will choose incorrectly. The only person he consistently seeks out is Corrine, who shouts to the others that the boy just wants to have fun. Or maybe she is his default because the idea of choosing incorrectly is so overwhelming to him that he needs the distraction from his real concern that he doesn’t really love any of them – as much as he might want to.

I first was all about Rachel, but after the last episode, I think he is just not mature enough for her.  Vanessa is the almost motherly figure that I could see him with. Danielle is someone whom I think he would like to be equal to but is not. He said that he is looking for an adventurous partner – that would be more Raven or Corrine. I do like that he has cut women as soon as he thinks it won’t work with them.  The women, however, feel they don’t know what to expect so there may be some backing out yet.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée: I just love it when a show opens with the suitcase of a girl I can’t stand being pulled away. Wait, Taylor is interrupting Corinne and Nick’s one-on-one dinner? That’s a little over the top. Of course, they are showing Corrinne getting drunk and talking to herself while it’s all going down. I’m already smiling from ear to ear.

Elaine: Oh boy, Taylor just screwed herself. Accommodating the crazy edit when you are an alleged mental health counselor is just plain dumb. Taylor can’t blame all this on editing, she went along with this tomfoolery.  Corinne has nothing to lose. Daddy won’t fire her from “running” the vague multi-million dollar business. And she’s a shoo-in for Bachelor in Paradise and a guest spot on General Hospital. She’s not talking to herself, she’s talking to an off-camera producer. Well, it’s actually the booze talking to an off-camera producer.

Andrée: Of course it had no effect on Nick whatsoever because Corrinne is the perfect woman!

hasElaine: What’s up with Corinne’s hair in those hilarious ITMs? She always has bedhead. It adds to her drunken je ne sais quoi.

Andrée: The perfect washed-up-on-the beach woman.

Elaine: You mean Corinne’s a mermaid?

Andrée:  Something like that. No cocktail party tonight. I love those nights. Puts bitches on edge. Girls are crying, freaking out and good ole Corrine is drinking champagne and kissing her rose, I love it.

Elaine: I’m not going to miss these eliminated girls at all. Jami may do Bachelor in Paradise, the bi thing works in her favor. Imagine the love triangle possibilities. Alexis the Dolphin Girl is out. Thank you, baby Jesus. Aside from her annoying “wacky nurse” introductory segment in the first episode, I didn’t see Josephine do anything aside from kindly advising Corinne not to talk with her mouth full.

Andrée: Yes, I think the fact that Jami is bi makes her an absolute shoo-in I wouldn’t mind some girl-on-girl action on BIP, spice things up a little bit.

Elaine: Rachel might make Black History tonight. I read somewhere that none of my fellow chocolate goddesses have ever made it past the sixth week. Oh, right. Jasmine G. is there too. Based on the season previews, she won’t make history.

Andrée: Really, eh? That would be cool though if the record was broken by not only one but two girls! St. Thomas looks all sorts of beautiful!

Elaine: One-on-one with some girl I never saw before. She might be an extra who snuck onto the set. I will ignore the rest of this date and get up for some champagne. Call me when it’s over.

Andrée: I have no flipping clue who she is. They are on a water plane thing looking at the island all very typical. Then they had dinner, I dunno. I faded out until Corrinne came back on the screen talking about how she wanted to spend her day in bed drinking champagne and freaking out excited because she gets a St. Thomas nanny. Okay, I am glad I woke up this one-on-one girl is talking about being an orphan from Russia and avoiding prostitution and my my, quite the backstory. He’s definitely stuck with her now for a bit, or he’ll look like a giant dick. There’s a joke to be made here about how being on The Bachelor is basically prostituting yourself, but I won’t be inappropriate and make it.

Elaine: Volleyball group date. Nick is living every man’s dream right now. It starts with volleyball and ends with a slo-mo pillow fight (probably). I asked Mr. TV Recaps and he said: “If we’re going that route, I’d just want to have women on trampolines.”

Andrée: Ah yes in classic Man Show style, I like Mr. TV Recaps’  taste. A group date with shots, bikinis and Corrinne, this should be messy!

Elaine: Where is Mr. H? Surely, he has something to add. So Corinne is drunk already. She is seriously going the way of Lace. She is too little for all that booze. I just looked up her height on the official website, she’s  5’1″ which is the same height as me. So now you can feel bad about always picking on the fun-size girls. Short girl/tall guy height-difference porn is the best. You may apologize to me now.

Andrée: He conveniently had to go to the gym! Yeah but she only drinks champagne so it’s all good, you can pretty much drink endless champagne! You are forgetting that Nick is short! So I like them together for that reason. You’d laugh, right now on Married at First Sight Australia two of the brides are flipping out because they are both taller than their grooms.

Elaine: Champagne doesn’t come in a shot glass. What do you mean Nick is short? That upsets me. I must now Google. Ha! He is 6’2’’. That is perfect height-differential porn.  You know I enjoy your girl’s antics, but I can see how the Corinne Show is frustrating the girls. It really isn’t doing Nick any favors since Bachelor Nation has its panties in a bunch. Frankly, I don’t see Corinne a villain, I find her amusing. I don’t know why she gets so much fan hate.

Andrée: I know as soon as I said that she got on the tequila, tsk tsk. WOW. Nick is 6’2? I thought he was short. He reads short. She gets fan hate because she is slutty. Which is also precisely why I love her. The problem is that most girls on this show are just here to be filler and they hate that, especially around now when they really begin to realize it.

Elaine: One thing I love about Rachel is she voices her displeasure with Nick in a real way. No pretense or needless drama. She acts like a real girlfriend.

Andrée: She is very real that’s for sure. I can only imagine it’s hard to be in that scenario.

Elaine: Jasmine G. is being honest too, but in a dumb way. Uh, she said she wants to choke Nick but now she’s claiming she meant it in a sexual way. Um. I  think it’s too soon. Choke a man when he puts a ring on it. Do women even choke men? I thought the men did the choking? I honestly only know what I see on Tumblr. Mr. TV Recaps has big hands, I just don’t think it would end well. Random aside, it would be fine for Vanessa. She has a very sturdy neck, does she not? That throat looks pretty durable.

Andrée: Sure women choke men too! An especially good way to get a little leverage is using his tie! I mean I’ve heard. Jasmine G. has totally lost control. She’s clearly an angry drunk.

Elaine: Jasmine G. does not make history. You know why this happened? Because she fooled around in the haunted house on that group date last week. Do not toy with ghosts and fool around with a Ouija board. I tried to tell her, did I not? Mama Cecile and Papa Justify are coming for her. Wait a minute, didn’t the previews show her acting up in front of the other girls? I thought there was footage of her carrying on at the pool. That pisses me off. Seriously. God’s punishing me for violating the 11th commandment. Thou Shalt Not Watch Bachelor Previews.

Andrée: Such superstition! And yes looks like you once again fell victim to the previews. She did get booted but there was no real scene. It’s always weird to see a two-on-one where one of the girls isn’t a total villain. I’m surprised he booted the total smoke show. I’m sure she intimidated Nick. She’ll be a hot ticket on BIP. Off to dinner with Danielle L. then.

Elaine: Wow, Boobs McGee got the boot. I’m sure her boobs will secure her a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. She sealed her fate by telling Nick she’s in love with him.

Andrée: Man, he’s hating the fact that two different girls have said they love him. Chopping two girls in one night. Stone cold.

Elaine: So what do you think about Nick pulling a Mesnick in front of the girls? Telling them that he’s afraid he won’t find love is honest, but it’s like saying: “I’m still iffy on you six.” Jesus, Nick. don’t walk out like that.

Andrée: I don’t like it one bit. He’s basically saying: “I’ll be in my trailer waiting on a blowjob. You gotta work, bitch.”

Elaine: OMG, Andrée! Um, these previews don’t look good for Corinne. Tramping it up and trying to screw away the pain isn’t going to make her America’s sweetheart. But it will make her a legend. If Nick goes along with this, he’ll definitely be dead to Bachelor Nation. Aside from the comedic gold, those two don’t have any chemistry. Last week when she was tattling about Taylor, he looked like he was calming down his little sister.

Andrée: I mean it did make Nick The Bachelor. I guess we’ll find out whether or not that vagine is indeed platinum!

Elaine: Well, that could explain how she “runs” a multi-million dollar business. Custom-tailored platinum vagines. So what do you think?

Andrée: I think I’m loving this season. For all the wrong reasons, I know. Hear me out. Nick is a man whore and a child. So is Corrinne. Corrinne is rich and comes with a full-time maid. Nick and Corinne are both obviously attention whores. They could get married and spend the rest of their life doing photo shoots and bar appearances. And cute Snapchat photos. AHHHH. They are totally meant to be.

Elaine: When you put it that way, it makes sense. I still better get a damn wedding special, though!

Andrée: Oh I’m thinking these two would take it as far as a live birth. For reality junkie purposes this just needs to happen!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée: Starting out with drama just how I like it. We are right back into the catfight between Corinne and Taylor. I love that Corinne is dishing it out as quickly as she is taking it. This is my favorite part of this show. “You have a like stank face and it’s weird and uncomfortable.” Yes, Corinne, you have made my morning.

Elaine: The Taylor vs. Corinne catfight is ludicrous. Corinne is a beautiful 24-year-old girl with a bouncy house and a mad desire for airtime and a coveted Bachelor in Paradise slot. And Taylor is a beautiful seemingly-mature woman with a mad desire to sabotage her credibility as a mental health counselor. Corinne hasn’t done anything villainous, she mostly just slurs champagne-fueled shit during her ITMs. I’m gonna back up my claims: Josephine gave Taylor some side-eye last week and Raven doesn’t think Corinne did anything to warrant Taylor’s rage.

Andrée: Now Corinne is going to Nick to throw Taylor under the bus. And you tried to say she wasn’t the perfect villain, Elaine. She’s the perfect bratty princess. She should get into sex work if her multi-million dollar family business doesn’t work out. A lot of guys would probably pay her good money to pout and whine at them.

Elaine: Here’s where Corinne went wrong: she shouldn’t have run off to tattle to Nick. Tattletales never last long. Nick is talking to Corinne like he’s trying to calm down a little sister. Nick has been to this rodeo before and he’s played the villain so he is clearly bored. When The grown woman line of the night goes to Rachel: “I hate girl chat, don’t be a part of that. Be focused on the man you’re here for.” Corinne gets the hilarious line of the night calling Taylor “a mean swamp monster.”

Andrée: I’ve never been so on the edge of my seat in a rose ceremony. I was hoping that Taylor would be gone but I guess they want to keep the drama going. The clip of Corinne drunkenly bitching about Taylor then finishing her champagne was reality gold. That’ll be a meme for life. I’m surprised that he booted that chick over Taylor, she was a smoke show.

Elaine: Corinne does deliver the best ITMs. Slurring, tipsy and she always has bedhead. Sex work is a good option, but I also think she could be on a sitcom. As for the rose ceremony: Girl, stop crying. Don’t nobody know who you are. Your sole purpose was to be in the background on a group date. You’re in the back row of the Women Tell All, with what’s her name and the other what’s her name, who went home on the third and fourth episodes.

Andrée: Nick is jazzed about the next place – could it be somewhere amazing? New Orleans. Pretty good. Mr. H just yelled out “Hoes on a plane!” I felt it needed to be added to this conversation. Oh shit, this week is the two-on-one date, you just know that’s going to be Corinne and Taylor.

Elaine: Mr. H is a hero. Corinne is going to chew up Taylor and spit her out.

Andrée: The one-on-one goes to Rachel!!! How ecstatic are you Elaine?

Elaine: Finally! She got the first-impression rose and a group date rose, so I’ve been waiting. Good call wearing that halter, girl. You just gave Nick a lot of bare skin to touch and that was some sexy low-dip kissing. There is a lot of body language going on. Okay, Nick said they have “the most explosive chemistry.” I’m calling final four. I think that’s what he said. With all of that goddam mumbling he does, he may have said: “Mph wlah, stree”.

Andrée: I think she made a good call wearing that low-back bodysuit with those shorts. Mega sexy yet casual. OMG they are doing the Second Line Parade in front the girl’s hotel room. This show is so assholic and I love that. The dancing part of this date looks like actual fun for once. As soon as I said that it switched to them sitting at the table watching a solo singer looking bored out of their minds.

Elaine: Food! It’s happening again! Last week, Corinne was stuffing food in her mouth while she was talking and now these two are eating a beignet and Nick has powdered sugar on his beard. Nick has gone rogue. First Nick told Liz he’s not into the whole “here for the right reasons” thing, now this. I like to think Nick went in all casual and said: “Yeah, so how about we drop some of the bullshit, right now? Let us have some damn food.” Second Line is everything. I gotta say, Nick has some dance moves for a white boy. Browsing the market, strolling the street, beignets, dancing in a little night club and now the visit to the floats warehouse for “dinner.” Okay, Nick is questioning Rachel about what it would be like meeting her father. Uh, is Nick telling Rachel, she’s getting a hometown date? He just said: “I might be breaking the rules here, but I’m super into you.” Nick has gone rogue. That said, I’ve resigned myself to Nick choosing one of the boring ones. I still see Vanessa and Danielle M. for the final two.

Andrée: I’m so excited for this two-on-one. Of course, you know I am rooting for Corinne but fearful The Bachelor audience at large have called for her assassination this week.  Aw damn, we have to sit through a stupid group date first. Though it’s a haunted house so that could provide some entertainment! Nope, pretty damn boring. I hate this date — I’m basically tuned out. Raven said she fell in love with him. OMG. Too early.

Elaine: All I have to say about this group date to a haunted house is do not mess around with spirits. Do not touch the Ouija board. Welp, Jasmine G. don’t say I didn’t warn you, girl when Mama Cecile and Papa Justify come for your ass.

Andrée: Please don’t kick Corinne off, please Nick. She is such good TV and I would love nothing more than for her to win. Just for once, do it for me, Nick. Here begins the most awkward boat ride ever. Looks to me like Corinne is enjoying herself and Taylor looks incredibly miserable. Now we are at a Voodoo ceremony, both girls look miserable. I don’t get why Taylor hates Corinne so much. She’s hot, she’s fun, she’s rich and she comes with a full-time maid. She’s like the perfect woman.

Elaine: Corinne will not win. I know you want that. She’s headed for a fabulous Bachelor in Paradise career. We’ll be able to enjoy her for years to come.

Andrée: I really do not like her (Taylor). She just gives off this “I’m better than you” vibe. Meanwhile, my love, Corinne, is getting a voodoo doll and sticking pins into it. Thanks producers, you made this show so much fun for me.

Elaine: Taylor is a bitch, but not in the fun way, just the mean way.

Andrée:  I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick sent them both home but he should definitely keep Corinne. The suspense is truly killing me. YAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! I am so fucking happy right now. See ya’ Taylor!! Oh, even better they are getting on the boat without her! I am just the happiest girl in the world right now. Pure pleasure. And now they are making out in the boat. Life is good. Thank you, Bachelor gods. Now Taylor has to go through a cleansing ritual. Things couldn’t be better.

Elaine: I like Corinne because she never fails to entertain me, but I want her to go. It’s in her best interest. Bachelor Nation is brutal, look how they wrote so many mean things on Olivia’s Instagram. Go, Corinne. Go. You have a good three seasons on Bachelor in Paradise. Okay, date time. It’s what you’ve been dreaming of: A Corinne and Nick one-on-one. I got my beloved Rachel and you got your beloved Corinne.

Andrée: OMG she pulled out the low halter, leather pencil skirt combo. That accessorized with the rose is a hot look for Corinne. My face is starting to hurt from smiling so much. I know I shouldn’t watch the previews but did they just say they didn’t expect two people to go home on the two-on-one??? Does Taylor come back and torpedo Corinne??? I will be pissed beyond imagination. The Twitter hellfire will come upon you Bachelor if that in fact does happen, believe me. Andree out!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée: Ugh, so we get to start off right where we left off. Bitches whining about Corinne straddling a man in a bouncy castle. Personally, I think she’s wise to pop a squat on his lap and see what he is working with. It has been documented that he’s not so hot in the sack after all.

Elaine: These women who grumble about the treason of their competitor “using her sexuality,” might want to remember she’s trying to distinguish herself from all the other girls so that she can win The Bachelor, get cast as The Bachelorette or put herself at risk of catching an STD on Bachelor in Paradise. That’s why Corrine is there. As for Nick, I don’t think the Bachelor is required to say: “Stop flashing your tits and think about the other girls.”

Andrée: Vanessa is obviously full of shit. “He knows how much I care for him” should not be followed with a threat of giving back the rose. It’s hilarious that every time Corrine has a group date she just gets super sexual with Nick and then goes to bed. That’s working smart, not hard. When Corinne says “Imma do me” I think she means “Imma do Nick.” In all fairness, if I was one of the women on The Bachelor I would want the good-looking ones to go home too. That was pretty funny the girl crying at the end of the rose ceremony talking about how she used to make fun of the girls crying.

Elaine: I don’t recognize her at all. She’ll be in the back row when The Women Tell All. She’s less memorable than what’s her name from last week who was whining about not getting attention.

Andrée: I love Nick’s family. They are what changed my mind about Nick back on Kaitlyn’s season. This date with Danielle L. is so damn boring. Making cookies? Seriously? OMG, and now they bump into one of his exes. She’s awfully ho-hum. Why are they all sitting together? I would dump a guy for that.

Elaine: The authenticity of that run-in is questionable. It shouldn’t be awkward for Danielle L. She knows she’s the hot one.

Andrée: I’m glad that date is finally over. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through. Holy good god, the damn date isn’t over? Now they are at some crappy country concert. Why do they always go to country concerts? I would dump him for that too. Mainly for saying it was a bucket list item. I bet they had to pay extras to pretend to be enjoying this terrible singing.

Elaine: The surprise country concerts are horrific. At least they were with an audience and not awkwardly swaying by themselves. Nick’s bucket list could be a bit more ambitious.

Andrée: Time for the group date! Once again, I have to give love to Corinne for being the only honest person there. Who in the world would be excited about being on a date surrounded by cow poop? Poop that you have to shovel? I love that Corinne said she wouldn’t even make her nanny do these chores. Personally, I don’t think you should have to prove your love by shoveling shit.

Elaine: Cow poop makes for a shitty date. I agree with Corinne but she should have followed Jasmine G.’s  example. Admit to the camera that this is not your thing, but plaster on a fake smile for Nick’s benefit and do as little as possible. Had to love Jami, the bi girl, mocking Nick’s teat handling skills. Time for Raven’s one-on-one.

Andrée: Raven is too meh for Nick and she doesn’t fit the mold of girls he is attracted to at all. It’s cute seeing Nick around his little sister but I would hate that date. Soccer balls flying at my face from every direction is not my idea of a good time. Interesting that he chose her to meet his parents. I really don’t see her as a frontrunner but the girl who meets his parents usually is.

Elaine: Raven, who I paid no attention to other than to roll my eyes at her guns-and-bible introductory segment comes from a town with a population of 8 people, getting balls thrown at her face in Wisconsin might strike her as cosmopolitan.

Andrée: Oh wow, they took all the children with them to the roller rink? Odd. She’s getting to have her sit-down dinner with the li’l sis instead of Nick. The romance on this episode is killing me. They are playing “Kiss Me” which is amping things up. Bringing me right back to She’s All That which is one of my favorite rom-coms. She kicked down the door to catch her boyfriend in the act. Oh, my. “Nick right now is thinking I best dump this girl before she beats me in the head with Corinne’s stiletto when I try to sleep with her.”

Elaine: Disagree. I love that she attacked the cheater with the hoochie’s stiletto. Can we really sit through another confessional about a family member who died just before the show? “I almost didn’t come on the show but I know gramps is looking down at me and he wants me to be here. Oh, look, fireworks! See? That’s a sign from grandpa.”

Andrée:  I watched an amazing stand-up comedy show last night in which the comedian said all women have crazy large egos and think they can have any man. Listening to Raven list off all her qualities is confirming this to be true for me. Also, watch that comedy special Neal Brennan: 3 Mics it was amazing. Now we get a little solo roller skating, much more romantic than having children everywhere.

Elaine: Agreed, the solo roller skating is much better. Nick looked a little surprised when she was reflecting on her own cuteness. That sort of thing is such a violation of the code. Cute girls are never supposed to acknowledge their own cuteness. And the prettier you are, the more important it is to come up with some bogus flaw: “My earlobes are kind of funny.” It’s THE LAW. On my shit list, Taylor. Beautiful on the outside, but she’s leading the bully brigade on Corinne. I don’t like that kind of pile-on. So turned off. What a bitch.

Andrée: I never liked Taylor. Let’s just start with she is a 23-year-old mental health counselor. What 23 year old knows anything about anything? I would never trust my mental health with a child.

Elaine: Uh, aren’t you like 25? Corinne correctly pointed out that Taylor as a mental health counselor is scary. A condescending mean girl should not be a counselor.

Andrée: 32, thanks and I’m not trying to claim you should trust me with your mental health either! I bitch about women online for a living! If some bitch asked me to list reasons why I felt I was ready to marry someone I would just donkey punch them. Right then and there. Donkey punch. Well-deserved. Standing over Danielle L. and Nick like a creeper listening to every word she was saying was so hella awkward. Girl, you have no emotional intelligence. You are spending your time on The Bachelor trying to convince Nick to dump a girl. That’s not emotionally intelligent. Corinne is right, she’s just being a stuck-up bitch. Period.

Elaine: I think Danielle L. felt Taylor lurking and decided to pretend she wasn’t there and talk up her connection with Nick, just to piss off Taylor. I approve of that kind of stealth attack. Who among us hasn’t made a point of slyly undercutting some obvious bitch with sweetness? I loved how she was all: “Oh, hi! Sure you can steal Nick. Here’s a nice cozy blanket so you can stay warm out here during your chat with Nick. Toodles!” Danielle L. got a better introductory segment and was the first girl out of the limo so she’s higher up on the food chain. You know who just went up in my estimation? Josephine, who got the “whacky nurse” introduction segment. I’ve been ignoring her, but she was so kind and reasonable during her talk with Corinne. And while Corinne was ranting with food in her mouth, Josephine very admirably advised her to chew. On this cutthroat show, most girls would be happy to see her choke on a canape.

Andrée: It’s crazy that not only are they feeding the girls this year, but they keep filming conversations while they are talking with their mouths full. Not cute. They probably think they are safe to say whatever they want while eating since the show has never shown food until this season. All these girls are on my shit list right now, though. They are so annoying. Every single year the hot girl gets ganged up on. Every single year. It drives me crazy. This show tries to tell women that you can only have real relationships if you aren’t drop-dead gorgeous. If you are pretty, then you must be a terrible person. That’s like some anti-Barbie shit.

Elaine: I stand by the belief that the show sacrifices the girl who would threaten the audience. And I agree with the anti-Barbie bias. She’s had so many careers and has never taken a backseat to Ken.

Andrée: I want to start my own show, where if you are an 8 or below you aren’t even allowed on the cast. That way we could have one whole season without all the uggo’s ganging up. Although, it would probably still happen. All the 8’s would gang up on the 10. Actually probably not, because all the 8’s would have enough confidence not to care.

Elaine: Imma have to stop you right there and say that as a 6-6-½, I think that is way too harsh. And stop calling the girls uggos. I hate to tell you this, but I think Corrine’s days are numbered. In terms of villain potential, she’s limited. Bouncy houses only take you so far. Usually there is the original villain, just to get the ball rolling but then the real villainess is revealed. It’s going to be Taylor. Corinne is too obvious, Taylor is a snake in the grass. Mark my words. Corinne has major Bachelor in Paradise potential. She’s too young for The Bachelor but that show needs some young blood. Lace and that Kardashian virgin are past their sell-by dates. At 24, Corinne is good for two or three Paradise seasons, no?  I’d rather see her cry early and go back to her nanny and have Taylor get close enough to the end that she thinks she has a chance only to have her heart ripped out near the end. Maybe right after the hometown. Based on her behavior this episode, I want to see an extended limo cry. By the way, at this point, who do you think will be the first serious “not here for the right reasons” informant? Not Vanessa because my crystal ball still says she makes it to the end with the boring Danielle M.

Andrée: Shouldn’t have watched the previews, but I am excited that one of the two will be booted next week, I just hope it’s Taylor not Corinne. I’d love to see the hottie win for once. Let’s face it, Nick’s a bit of a man whore, he needs a wild woman. That’s a good point though Corinne will have a long standing BIP career!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Canadian philosopher,  Andrée H. shares insight into a sobering episode of

Andrée: I’m not sure why the girls even care about a drunken one-night-stand a year ago. Pssh. Nick has all sorts of real drama, no need for this fabricated nonsense.

Elaine: I’m surprised, I thought Liz was going to achieve the most hated girl in the house role but she got the boot early. Little Miss Corinne stepped up to the plate with that “spontaneous” pre-fantasy suite seduction attempt. The producers had to go buy Reddi-Wip  “on the spur of the moment.” Oh, look, here is a Reddi-Wip commercial; it’s almost like the whole point of Corinne’s scene was product placement. As an aside: dessert topping is so bush league. She needs to start with hot wax and let things escalate from there.

Andrée: I love Corinne but she should have at least used homemade whipped cream or a l’il salted caramel. The trench coat, I love. Licking whipped cream off Nick’s body, I love. I love it all. Except her whining afterward. I don’t know why she doesn’t think it went well. Nick was loving every minute of it.

Elaine: “Crying” herself to sleep and skipping the rose ceremony is a bold choice. Corinne knows she doesn’t have a shot with Nick, so I guess her antics are an audition for Bachelor in Paradise. I’m not acknowledging the first group date.

Andrée: I have to tell you, I’d rather meet the Backstreet Boys than Nick Viall. Although it would have been better if they didn’t sing. Doesn’t quite sound the same anymore. OMG, backup dancing for the Backstreet Boys! Yessss! I would be dumping Nick and going for Brian Corinne is throwing a hissy fit. In all seriousness, I think she is PMS’ing. The fact that she can’t dance really makes me love her more. That’s always me, trying to hide the fact I have no rhythm. Side Note: I am singing at the top of my lungs to this on-stage serenade. Loved it!

Elaine: This zero gravity, one-on-one date with Vanessa is fun. I went into this date anti-Vanessa, but she’s won me over. She’s petite, which always gets bonus points in my book because I’m into height-differential porn.

Andrée: That date would be so crazy to experience. I cannot believe she puked, though.

Elaine: Nick doing the post-puke comfort thing makes me like him more. She’s petite and Canadian, she should really be our girl. At this moment, I call her for final four. Has the Bachelor ever flown to Canada for a hometown date?

Andrée: I don’t think so, I know with Kaitlyn they went to her parent’s summer home in the States.

Elaine: These athletic competition dates bore me. Mr. TV Recaps strolled by and said “That’s very Revenge of the Nerds.’” That comment is the best part of this segment.

Andrée: Speaking of Revenge of the Nerds have you ever watched King of the Nerds? I loved that show. Totally bored with this date. Couldn’t care less. Bring back Corinne.

Elaine:  Never heard of that show. Dominique needs to stop whining that she’s “always overlooked.” Don’t nobody know who you are, girl! Welp, complaining to Nick just got her sent home early. She’s going to be overlooked at the “Women Tell All” when she finds herself in the last row with the “Who’s that?” contestants.

Andrée: Why is that girl even crying as she is leaving. She just yelled at him for not getting to know her. So if she doesn’t know him then why is she crying? Makes no sense to me.

Elaine: My girl Rachel impressed Nick during their private conversation by not giving him standard Bachelor prattle. She flat out admitted that she’s been going stir-crazy and was just happy to be let out of the gilded cage. This is Nick Viall’s fourth appearance on the franchise; it must be refreshing to spend time with a woman who isn’t a plastic Bachelor-bot. But when he was listing her attributes he started out with “mature,” and it took awhile for him to get to beautiful. Being called “mature” isn’t a romantic overture. But Rachel gets the group date rose, making this her second important rose.

Andrée: I think he meant mature as a good thing. I imagine the immaturity runs rampant in that mansion. Especially with some girl getting angry at him for not paying enough attention to her. See ya! No time for people like that.

Elaine: Corinne went from fun to done this episode. She started off running around with the black boxes covering her naughty bits and ended things with a bikini-clad assault on Nick in a bouncy house. An extra hour in the ball pit isn’t the way to woo a grown man.

Andrée: Yay, pool party! So much better than cocktail parties. The sluttiness is always full force. Of course Corinne managed to find herself a bouncy princess castle. She’s the best. Yellow bikini forgettable girl is taking her one-on-one-time to complain about Corinne. Ugh, multiple anti-Corinne women. It’s happening already. Nooooo! don’t want Corinne to go. Please Nick, please keep Corinne. Dump every girl that is throwing her under the bus. Do it. Ah, of course, they aren’t going to show us what he does. I’ll be heartbroken if Corinne goes next week. It’s too soon! All in all, this season is totally doing it for me, on that note, I’m off to Vegas for my own Corinne-style antics See you next week!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.