The girls are drinking their iced coffees in the middle of Rosewood talking about Mona being locked-up how they never learned who A was. Lucas pops in tap dancing and Jenna is on a horse. Thankfully it wasn’t some twisted reality but a dream in Mona’s head at Welby, the mental hospital. When she comes to, someone enters her room and she says, “I never would have guessed it was you. Are you here to kill me?”

One year later, Ezra and Aria are still not married but don’t worry, it’s just around the corner. Right now they’re trying to get their book turned into a movie. How fun! Spencer is back to riding horses and has even rekindled her relationship with her sister Melissa. Toby pops in to say hi and I’m rooting for an official relationship reboot between the two. Did I mention she even bought his old truck?

Emily and Alison are playing moms quite well as they are new parents to twin girls, Lily and Grace. Later, Ali meets with Emily’s mom at Radley and speak in hushed tones. They discuss Emily being taken care of and it’s kind of suspicious. My guess, Ali is going to propose, and I hope she does!

While everyone else is happily in love, things aren’t going so smoothly for my favorite couple Hanna and Caleb. On the business side, Hanna’s designs have taken off and Caleb sold his software to Lucas and they FINALLY bought the loft from him. One of the rifts between the two is the fact that Mona is leaving Welby and going to stay with them. Smart choice guys. Hanna wants to be there for her friend but Caleb is skeptical and I don’t blame him. Within five minutes of Mona arriving, Hanna and Caleb leave her unattended. And what does she do? She disappears.

Hanna and Caleb left for a good reason because they went to Ezra and Aria’s dual bachelorette/bachelor party. Of course it’s at The Lost Woods which Spencer fixed up quite nicely after Mary Drake left it to her and Ali. The best part of this party was when the commented on the loud Christians across the lake at bible camp. The worst part however was Melissa watching the group through the trees in a black hoodie. WHAT!

That night while every couple is getting it on in their respective rooms, Aria receives a phone call after Ezra has fallen asleep. As Melissa creepily watches from the window. After the call, Aria goes to the girls to tell her she can’t marry Ezra because she can’t have kids. To top it off, It’s not really Melissa in the hood, but Mona in a mask. She then facetimes A.D. who says Mona wearing the Melissa mask was just a test. What surprises me about this whole event is how realistic that mask was. Honestly, A.D. must have a great budget.

The next day, Spencer visits Mary Drake in prison. Even though Spencer hadn’t visited in awhile, she tells her mother that she’s there because she needs her help. Oh, goody, I wonder what that would be!

That night everyone is having a great time at Aria and Ezra’s rehearsal dinner, even Mona who is clearly only welcomed by Hanna. “The last time she saw you, she tried to push you out of the bell tower,” Aria reminds her. “Yeah, and she feels bad about that!” Hanna replies. I couldn’t stop laughing. Then entered Wine Moms. Mrs. Hastings, Mrs. Marin and Mrs. Montgomery stand around nursing their glasses of wine reminiscing on that fateful night when they got drunk in the basement. This was probably my favorite part of the entire two-hour episode because #WineMoms are fan favorites. I’ll gladly watch a spinoff about them.

After the party, Aria tells Ezra about her fertility predicament. She was scared he would be mad and he is, but just about her hiding it from him. Honestly Aria could shoot him and he’d still marry her.

Emily confronts Ali about her weird behavior. At the party she saw her mom hand Ali something and wanted to know what it was. After some persistence, Ali confesses that she was going to propose. Woohoo I knew it! Ali throws out the plans she had and pops the question right in their living room wearing a hideous sweatshirt.

After a little rendezvou with Toby, Spencer is in her house when she hears a piano playing. She follows it asking if it’s Toby when Mona comes out of the dark and spits, “Deja vu, bitch.” She then knocks Spencer out cold. When Spencer regains consciousness she is in a high-tech-looking cell. She looks into a mirror on the wall and then her reflection stops mirroring her. IT’S A SECOND SPENCER.

I screamed. I had a theory they would reveal another evil twin like the books, however, I thought it would be Ali’s evil twin, not Spencer’s. Honestly, I’m all here for it.

Mary Drake is also there and says to Spencer, “We didn’t think you’d wake up so soon, Spencer.” WOW. Mother of the year right here. Spencer confronts the Twincer (what fans have dubbed Spencer 2.0). She says, “I’m just a girl who met a man when he came in from the rain.” Cue flashback.

We see Twincer bartending at an English pub when Wren walks in. Ugh, Wren was so five seasons ago, but whatever. He sees Twincer and at first thinks it’s Spencer, until he finally realizes the truth. He shows her, Alex Drake, a picture of Spencer and she gets emotional. The next few days Wren told her everything from Melissa to Charlotte.

Alex tells Spencer after Charlotte (their half-sister remind you) died, she needed closure. Alex’s plan is to leave Spencer a prisoner and assume her life. Spencer spits that Alex could never be her and well, Alex points out that she already has. From Hanna having “visions” of Spencer while she was being tortured, to when she awkwardly asked Toby to kiss her one more time after Yvonne’s death to when she introduced Ezra to Wren at the airport. I hate to say it, but the girl is good and the signs were all right there.

While this family reunion from hell is happening, a cop informs Emily and Ali that Mark Drake has escaped and to remain vigilant. Thanks for the update, dude.

In the cell, Alex continues to drone on about how, yes part of the torture was about avenging Charlotte’s death but mainly being jealous of Spencer’s life. She was the lucky twin, while Alex was abandoned. In another flashback we see Wren confronting Alex. Alex has recently acquired Charlotte’s money after she died but Alex is still playing the game. She tells Wren, “This is about friends. Even when they make huge mistakes, they still love each other.” Wren wants her to come clean to Spencer but Alex knows she could never be one of them. So instead, she asks Wren to shoot her in the upper chest so she can have a matching gunshot scar as Spencer. WHAT THE HECK?

To follow that, Alex reveals to Spencer that she later killed Wren because while she wanted him to see her as Spencer, she will always be Alex in his eyes. Yes, that’s a valid reason to kill your boyfriend. To top it off, she wears his ashes in a necklace. We’re at peak PLL creepiness.

Alex leaves Spencer to go be her at Aria’s wedding. Now this chick has crossed the line. There, she asks to hold one of Emily and Ali’s twins, While across the room from everyone, Alex whispers, “You have your daddy’s eyes. I knew Wren would make pretty babies.” I just can’t anymore with this chick. On a positive note, we at least now know who fathered Ali’s kids.

At the cell, Mary Drake brings Spencer lunch and they have a semi-nice heart-to-heart. She tells Spencer that Alex drugged her and brought her to the underground bunker and has promised Mary Drake she’ll keep Spencer safe. Um, okay. Mary Drake also reveals more about the day Spencer was born.

Through flashbacks earlier in the season, we saw a doctor take Spencer to Mrs. Hastings outside. Apparently after that, Mary gave birth to Alex whom SHE SOLD to a rich couple in England so she could buy her way out of Radley. Mary says, ”I thought she would live a Cinderella life,” which Spencer quickly replies, “Have you read Grimm’s Fairy Tales?”

Mary thought Alex would live a posh life but because of her “issues” she was given to an orphanage who gave her back the last name Drake. Alex Drake, A.D. It was always right there. Mary says that at 10 years old Alex ran away from the orphanage and later became a bartender before Wren found her. Oddly enough, Mary Drake opens the door to hug Spencer who hugs her back. I’m questioning why Spencer didn’t try to run for it but instead, she stole a bobby pin off of Mary for later use. I guess that was kind of smart.

Back at the wedding, Aria receives a text from Ezra saying he isn’t coming. This is obviously a red flag for me. He would never stand Aria up and I’m right. As the girls start calling and searching for Ezra, we see him sitting in a cell directly across from Spencer.

Spencer asks how he got there and he says that while he was making a reservation Spencer recommended, he ran into Alex at the Radley thinking it was Spencer. As he was asking her questions Alex didn’t know the answers to, she knocked him out and took him to the “do-it-yourself dungeon.”

Alex finally returns and the two try to convince her to spare their lives. Turns out there’s another twist to Alex’s motives. She doesn’t exactly want Spencer’s life or friends, but Toby. “He settled for Yvonne, and now he’s free to be with his one true love: me,”  Alex says. Legit, this girl is deranged and Troian Bellisario is a phenomenal actress to pull both of these polar opposite characters off.

Alex does inform the two on Jenna, Sara, and Sydney’s motives to being on the A.D. Team. Sydney was blackmailed because Alex knew she was stealing from her work, Jenna wanted money for a second eye surgery, and Sara wanted a piece of Charlotte’s “hidden treasure” under Radley. Turns out that treasure wasn’t gold, but the file folder.

In another flashback we see the moment Charlotte and Alex finally meet. Charlotte gets off the plane in England with Archer and we finally learn where they first met. Wren sets up the meeting between Alex and Charlotte and after they hit it off the whole group, Wren and Archer included, have a grand time in Europe. Charlotte later decides she misses the A Game and plans to return to the States. Before she goes, she “passes the torch” and gives Alex the Patsy Cline Greatest Hits record. Alec obviously wants to go with her, but Charlotte tells her she can’t and to never trust Spencer of the Hastings.

While back in the real world as Spencer, she comes across Jenna. Spencer is sitting outside Mrs. Hasting’s office when Jenna is leaving and she asks “Spencer” if she’s wearing a new perfume. Alex plays if off but this is a red alert for someone who has to use her other sense to identify people. Jenna immediately Toby and says, “This may sound weird, but I don’t think Spencer’s Spencer.”

Even though Jenna has put Toby through hell for years, he believes her this time. He tells the girls and Caleb the twin theory and they unrealistically jump on board rather quickly. Toby explains it makes sense because of a book Alex gave Toby while being Spencer before that final kiss. He said the book typically has notes in it from Spencer, but this one was clean. Thankfully Emily is the only voice of reason who admits, “Out of all the insane theories we’ve jumped to, Spencer having an evil twin has to be the most insane.”

In the dungeon, Alex and Mary start fighting because Alex promised she wouldn’t her Spencer. Alex then knocks Mary out cold so she wouldn’t try to stop her when she tries to kill Spencer. Geez, crazy really does run in this family.

At the same time, the gang turns to Mona for help. She tells them that Wren came to Welby to kill her, but now, she’s back in the game so she can beat Alex and win the game once and for all. Miraculously, they discover the dungeon is located at the house Toby originally built for Spencer. GO FIGURE! Being trusting Toby, he never knew the person who bought the house. I definitely rolled my eyes at this.

After Alex leaves the dungeon, Ezra and Spencer try to escape with the help of the stolen bobby pin. After opening their cell doors and running through sketchy hallways they make their way outside. Or they think.

Ezra and Spencer stand outside a fake version of Toby’s house inside a dome that is obviously still underground. I’m getting some strong Maze Runner and Hunger Games vibes from this. While they try to find the exit, the gang has busted into Toby’s old home. They frantically search the house until they find a secret passageway.

Inside the dome, Alex comes out of nowhere and smashes Ezra on the head while Spencer tries to reason with her. During the twin standoff, Toby rushes in with a gun. Let me mention, the two girls are wearing the exact same outfit so things start to get extra trippy.

Toby doesn’t know which twin to shoot while they both plead they’re the real Spencer. Toby asks them which poem from the book she gave him was her favorite. Of course the real Spencer starts quoting it and Toby takes Alex into a headlock. True love always knows!

Mona apparently called the cops as they rush in and take Alex into “custody.” Apparently Mary Drake was caught down the road so both will be “locked up” for good. More on that in a second.

In Rosewood, Ezra and Aria FINALLY get married in the chapel that has not only been a murder scene but also where multiple funerals have been held. So romantic. A cell phone goes off mirroring the pilot episodes when they received their first text from A at ALi’s funeral. Turns out, it’s just the creator I. Marlene King playing the wedding photographer.

In the last scene with the Liars they all talk about what’s next. Emison will definitely get married, there’s hope for Spoby, Hanna is pregnant, and Aria and Ezra are looking at adoption agencies. Finally, a happy ending for our favorite Liars!

But I can’t forget about the fifth Liar, well, by association. Time has passed and Mona now lives in Paris where she owns a doll shop. She tells her French beau she’ll meet him at dinner while she locks up. Mona then heads to the basement where a dollhouse sits. Mona shouts, “Teatime, pretty girls,” and a dollhouse-like room is revealed behind a glass window. Inside the room sits Mary Drake and Alex who are both dressed in doll-like clothes.

She can’t keep us here forever,” Mary says. Then Alex replies with the best line of the series, “Of course she can. She’s Mona.”

Now you understand the meanings of “custody” and “locked up.” Mona never called the cops and by not doing so, she was able to do what she set out to do seven seasons ago, win the game.

WRITER’S NOTE: I’ve said for the last seven years that I couldn’t wait for this twisty show to end. But now that it has, I’m sad because I won’t be revising Rosewood every Tuesday night. I grew up with these Liars and I have endured every A, Uber A, A Team and A.D. you can imagine. The characters, the fashion, the quick language always had me coming back and for that, Pretty Little Liars will go down as one of my favorite shows.

And if this show has taught me anything, it’s that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

recapper in the history of TVRD. With no further adieu, take it away! — Elaine F. 

Andrée: So far this group date is a barbecue and playing football. Definitely a guy’s date. Blake is so right about Lucas. He is 100% only here to be on television, and he’s not even trying to hide it.

Elaine: As a rule, when it comes to reality TV, I say celebrities make everything worse, but Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are entertaining me, so they are allowed to visit any time. Much better than Kevin Hart in a CVS hot tub. And no, I’m still not over it.

Andrée: Nor should you be, Elaine. We can and should hold that against the franchise forever! I love these two; this is a pretty great guest spot. They are also making this date way more enjoyable. I am into this ‘Can you be a good dad?’ relay race. In all fairness, Babybjörn is incredibly difficult to figure out how to put on the first time. I’m having a lot of trouble watching Lucas’ act, after watching him act like an entirely different person one year ago on Ex Isle. If you are going to fake a character for TV, maybe keep that same character on all the reality dating shows you go on.

Elaine: Wise words. I salute Ashton Kutcher for refusing to Whaboom with Lucas. Why legitimize it? “Aspiring drummer” Blake E. needs to follow suit and stop focusing on another man’s Whaboom. 

Andrée: I salute Ashton for that, but he loses all those points for allowing this sham of a man to win the competition. I am confused about this whole Blake thing. I don’t remember him from Ex Isle at all. He said that Lucas has been doing the Whaboom thing for three years, but he was certainly not doing that on Ex Isle a year ago. Either way, it’s stupid, and it shouldn’t have gotten either of them a spot on this show. This is a legitimate reality dating show — come on! 

Elaine:  Kenny, the professional wrestler, is smart, mature, funny and cute. I would give him the group date rose. I am not the Bachelorette. “Once you go black” Dean gets the rose and a kiss. I don’t mind him, but I think he’s out of his league. Dean put way too much thought into going for that kiss. I don’t know how he’s going to compete with guys like Bryan with a “y” (aka Mr. First Impression Rose) who know how to take the wheel.

Andrée: Okay, so Kenny would be one of my top picks because I want to like him, but then I remind myself he is a professional wrestler. If you are a pro wrestler working the indy circuit you are broke, broke, broke — I’m assuming things haven’t changed much since I left the indy professional wrestling circuit.

Elaine: Say what now?

Andrée: I want to know what his actual job is. Like maybe he is a lawyer who just likes feeling up men for a hobby. Dean doesn’t have a chance in hell. He lost his chance months ago when he uttered that ridiculous line.

Elaine: Agreed. Rachel is out of Dean’s league. First one-one-one date goes to Peter. He was first one out of the limo, but he didn’t get a lot of airtime at the first cocktail party. Flying under the radar, that one. Rachel is bringing along her dog Copper. You don’t just introduce any rando to your dog: This is serious business. And off to Palm Springs for Barkfest. Hot guy + dogs. Obviously, I love this date. Peter gets the first obligatory fireworks of the season.

Andrée: Aww! Her doggie has a cast! Poor little baby! This date is basically my heaven. I want to take my dog on an epic Bachelor date. He totally deserves it. Peter has a totally unfair advantage over the other guys, because seeing a guy interact with your precious baby dog like that is definitely tugs at the heartstrings. Rachel has big-time feelings for this guy. I feel like she’s ready to end the show this second.

Elaine: I’d be down with that. Move on to the wedding special and mocha, gap-toothed babies. Group Date No. 2. Now we get to find out who has a secret girlfriend. Well, one of the girls warned Rachel that DeMario is shady and he’s been getting the cocky edit since the get-go so we all can see where this is going. Obvious much, Bachelorette?

Andrée: I am excited for this girlfriend! Lucas is too canned and showy; it’s not real entertainment. Angry ex/current girlfriends? Now that is entertainment. Bring it on! Nope, no entertainment for us, now they are going to play a basketball game in front of a packed house. I am hoping it’s packed with this ex-girlfriend. “Women in general, you know, they love watching their man play basketball” – DeMario. “Incorrect. Women in general, like dating men that aren’t dating other women.” – Andrée.

Elaine: LOL! Here we go! Lexi is here to bust DeMario. She dressed up for the occasion, huh? This is the one and only time she’s going to be on national television, you’d think she would have stepped up her game. I mean for God’s sake, she’s got a scrunchie around her wrist. Rachel is literally calling him out, and DeMario thinks he’s getting a rose.

Andrée: Personally, I would be looking fly as hell if my boyfriend left me to go on The Bachelorette and I went on there to expose him. Aha, DeMario, not today. The look on his face when he turned the corner. Of course, his line is “She’s crazy.” You can tell she is crazy, but I think she’s telling the truth.

Elaine: DeMario is talking as fast as he can. Rachel’s a lawyer, this deflection and doubletalk are not going to fly. Fearless prediction: DeMario may be the rare early castoff to make it to Bachelor in Paradise. They can always use another douche. I love that Rachel just dismissed him with a GTFOH. She is seriously pissed, and Chris Harrison can barely contain his glee. I notice that he is giving her a wide berth though. I guess he doesn’t want Rachel to bite his head off. Her badass response only strengthens my lady crush. I feel like the typical Bachelorette would be sniveling, you know?

Andrée: She’s reminding me so much of Judge Judy right now. Get the fuck out she says. Wooo! Chris Harrison is not trying to be the one to calm her down!

Elaine: This is like a golden ticket to the other guys on the group date. Now all they have to do is trip all over each other trying to be the most comforting. Josiah does the best job. I want him to get the group date rose. And he does. Yay! I’m glad Rachel and I see eye-to-eye on this. But the previews promised more drama, and we don’t have that much time left.

Andrée: I phased out for the rest of this date. The drama was entertaining but far too short lived.

Elaine: Here we go. DeMario is lurking outside the mansion so that he can further beclown himself. And of course, the episode leaves us hanging. I love the drama of all the guys banding together to confront him because “he lied to all of us.” Eye-roll. Seriously, I want this to culminate with a physical altercation. Nothing that will get any of them thrown off but at least lots of posturing and some shoving. Maybe a Whaboom to the chest. Let’s just whip ‘em out and put them on the table, boys. 

Andrée: Oh yay, more drama I can’t wait! Whaaa…to be continued? Assholes. It’s pissing me off that the show is giving this Whaboom shit so much airtime. Stick a fork in this shit. Jesus.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC

 Oh, my goodness, enough with the promo crap. I want to see the men. Bring me the men! 

Elaine: You are correct about my love for Miss Rachel Lindsay. I am here for Rachel. And only Rachel. Restraining order be damned.

Andrée: Starting hot with a dedicated father, good job Bachelorette. Directly followed by a guy who lost his Mom to cancer, they are starting out with the heartstrings.

Elaine: Yeah, that’s heartbreaking but you know some other contestant is gonna go in there and say they lost their entire village in a drone attack or something. There’s a lot of competitiveness when it comes to tragedy.

Andrée: The Rubik’s Cube guy does not look like a beefhead.

Elaine: The Rubik’s Cube is still a thing? You should’ve solved that one in 1980, son. Oh, wait. He’s hot. He said he likes to code. Brains are sexy. I’m going to ignore the iffy hairstyle and give Alex my first impression rose.

Andrée: Meh, I don’t like the startup guy, too plain and I don’t see Rachel wanting to incorporate a ton of Bollywood dancing into her life.

Elaine: Yeah, no. Goodbye to Bollywood. Oh, God. I just read Alex’s official bio. He lists selfishness as one of his flaws. That’s an insurmountable red flag. Also, he likes Coldplay. Dammit, Alex. Didn’t we almost have it all?

Andrée: Lucas is a nut job. He needs to get cut on the first night. Otherwise, we will be stuck with him on Bachelor in Paradise for the rest of our lives.

Elaine: I don’t really understand this whole “Whaboom” catchphrase. I’d say stop trying to make fetch happen but you know this jackass is going to end up being a whabillionaire.

Andrée: Okay, if a guy goes on this much about how great he is at sex, you know he’s a dead lay.

Elaine: Sorry, Blake E. You have failed to impress Andrée. Please say your goodbyes and leave.

Andrée: I was on the phone and missed the last two guys but they looked cute and I’m not rewinding. Okay, I got off the phone just in time to hear a guy talk about getting arrested. But now he is a lawyer so hey, good on him. Aww, “I’m coming to LA to make her my wife.” That was kind of sweet.

Elaine: That is Josiah. You missed Josiah’s soul-crushing backstory. His brother hung himself and Josiah had to cut the body down from the tree. I get the vibe this one’s going to be around for a while so I’ve done the unthinkable and learned his name.

Andrée: OMG, I’m glad I missed that, to be honest. Corrine!!! Be still my beating heart!

Elaine: Aww, I’m so happy for you. Rachel obviously loves Corinne as much as we do so take a seat, haters. I don’t remember any of these other bitches.

Andrée: I actually don’t remember any of the other girls LOL, I don’t even remember who won. I love Rachel’s dress. Definitely gets my stamp of approval. I find the men’s limo entrances pretty boring. Without being about to judge all the competitors’ dresses it’s hard to stay focused.

Elaine: Right? Without dresses, how can we pass shallow judgment? Peter, first one out of the limo, is cute. Lots of bow ties. Welcome, Nation of Islam. One of these bros better offer Rachel a bean pie.

Andrée: No. No. And then this Urkel dude comes out. Blech, I would have cut him on the spot. Diggy would get cut too. No bad jokes allowed.

Elaine: Urkel Guy is cute, too bad he wasted all that on a tragically unfunny gag. His name is Will. I’m only bothering to remember it because he’s good-looking.

Andrée: So far this is a big mix of men from every background, I like that. I already forgot all the guys we met before, I am glad they stuck them all in one limo so that I can be reminded!

Elaine: Oh, right. There was a teaser intro “After The Final Rose.” I only remember some jackass with the “once you go black, you never go back” line right out of the starting gate. Oh, and here he is. His name is Dean. His choice in ties is as unfortunate as his lines.

Andrée: A marching band, I would say that’s definitely an entrance. Wait, does it say he is an aspiring drummer? His job is aspiring drummer? I can’t move past this.

Elaine: Yes, but if a man tried to woo me with a marching band, I’d overlook that dodgy “job” description. That’s Blake E., right? Isn’t he the one who was talking about how big his drumstick is in the beginning? I’m already confused.

Andrée: Ewww, the yearbook guy is mad creepy. How did he pass the screening?

Elaine: That’s Fred. I believe his yearbook quote was: “It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.” She was his camp counselor. Disturbing.

Andrée: OMG Tickle Monster is now a job title. Someone was drinking a little too much champagne when editing this episode.

Elaine: How come we can’t get jobs like that? Do you think “Bitchy Drinker” could be a title?

Andrée: I think it fits our jobs to a tee! I hate these gimmicks. I don’t understand the clean-up crew guy. I’m already getting angry. I need to stop drinking this latte and start drinking bubbles so I can get in the right headspace to deal with men who dress up as penguins as their courting ritual.

Elaine: Latte? What is the matter with you? Copious amounts of alcohol are required for this “job.”

Andrée: I guess I thought for some strange reason I could do it sober. Oh, how wrong I was. There are a lot of hot guys this year though, I am enjoying that.

Elaine: True. But after the Alex heartbreak, I’m not ready to commit. Oh, FFS. This Adam person just showed up with a doll that looks like him. This is some kind of American Girl hellscape.

Andrée: Of course just as I say that, Lucas the nutbird arrives. The second he did the Whaboom he’d be back in that limo. Send it away.

Elaine: It’s like Gallagher smashing watermelons. I don’t get it but obviously, someone finds him amusing. Forced to choose, I’d go with the doll.

Andrée: Lucas looks so familiar to me – had to get on Google and figure it out. He was on a reality show last year called Ex Isle. He was actually the most normal guy on that entire show, so clearly, the Whaboom thing is an act he came up with over the last year to try to up his reality game.  Now we are building sandcastles in designer gowns, how lovely.

Elaine: I don’t like the idea of building a tabletop sandcastle with the “once you go black” jackass. I’ve warmed up to the creepy doll. It speaks French.

Andrée: Oooooh, I love the fur stole.

Elaine: So glam. I love all the testosterone-fueled competitiveness. I hope there is a lot of that this year. I want to see them hopped up on ‘roids and Red Bull so there’s lots of drama and physical altercations. There it is, Blake E. and his drumstick hate Whaboom. Listen up, America; the Bachelor and Bachelorette are contractually required to pick a weirdo. It happens every season. Whaboom is going to be that weirdo. Rachel will have to pick him. I’m telling you right now so you don’t get all whipped up when he gets that rose.

Andrée: Yeah this is basically just like watching a dick-swinging competition. Whaaboom will probably make it through three or four episodes! Unfortunately probably also Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, there is a Bryan with a “y,” my hubby would be voting for him for sure!

Elaine: I like that he’s attempting to charm her with Spanish. I see Bryan and the doll butting heads.

Andrée: Whoa! He went in for an aggressive kiss. And that aggressive kiss won him the first impression rose!

Elaine: To accept this rose in English, press 1. Poor Bollywood is incredibly drunk and making a fool out of himself. I feel bad for him. Oh, wait. I’m me. I don’t feel bad at all. Rose ceremony time!

Andrée: Dance, drunken fool. Dance! Entertain us for your short time here in the mansion.

Elaine:  I’m so here for this! My crystal ball isn’t telling me too much right now, but I’m sure Josiah is going to be in it to win it. What are your early predictions for the season?

Andrée: Bryan got the first impression rose so we are going to have to toss him in the ring. I have to think she is going to pick a wimpy, nerdy looking white guy (assuming Nick is her taste) but I kind of think if not, Kenny the wrestler seems like a real sweetheart. My best prediction? Fred locks all the guys in a room, lights it on fire, ties up Rachel and steals her away to be his camp counselor for the rest of her life.

Roses: Bryan, Peter (first out of the limo), Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex (Selfish Coldplay fan), Kenny (Cute wrestler), Dean (‘Once You Go Black’ Guy), Matt (Penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred (Yearbook Guy), Adam (But not his doll), Blake E. (The man with the impressive penis, if you ask him), Lucas (Whaboom).

Sent Packing: Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, Milton (who shed tears over not getting to show off his outfits) and Mohit (Bollywood boozer).

All in I feel like that was a pretty good start to what will hopefully be an awesome season!! Let the dick-wagging continue!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC

Excitement! The Bachelorette premieres tonight at 9 ET on ABC and Rachel Lindsay is the one doling out the roses. To fully enjoy the show, you need a primer by going back to all of  The Bachelor recaps from Nick’s season. Spoiler: There were only two women worth watching on the season: classy Rachel and sassy Corinne. Total opposites, but loveable in their own way. (Yeah, yeah, you hated Corinne. But we don’t so there!) In any case, they both lucked out. Rachel is now franchise royalty and will inevitably reach the most important Bachelor Nation goal, a slot on Dancing With The Stars. Corinne will go on to be the new Bachelor in Paradise bad girl because the crying “virgin” girl and that other one who is clearly a functioning alcoholic (It would be mean to name her ) are over the hill. So take a stroll down memory lane with Andrėe H.’s recaps and then tune in. Here’s what happened when last we met. — Elaine F.

Spoiler: Nick picked a bore. We’ll never hear from her again.

Elaine: I hope this “big surprise” at the finale isn’t Nick finally telling Raven he loves her or some other lame device. Of course, he’s going with the nag, so the question is moot.

Rose Marie: Oh God, another Bachelor surprise, the “this has never happened before” carrot. They do something like this every show and it’s always so lame.  Where is my wine????

Andrée: Things that would be awesome: Nick dumping whoever it is on stage for Corinne. Nick not proposing when he is supposed to at the end, but instead doing it live, Nick and whoever announcing they are pregnant and having a shotgun wedding, some drunk nobody that thought Nick was the love of her life springs onto the stage, tackles Nick and starts biting him. Things that will probably actually happen: Nick will sneeze three times in a row, more than one girl will decide they are going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, we will find out that some past couple is now grandparents.

Elaine: The most hyperbole thing in our Bachelor recaps ever happened! Andrée’s mom is in da house! The legendary woman who fended off a wild pig attack at the beach! The legendary woman who gave us Andrée. Honestly, this is the only thing keeping me off suicide watch tonight.

Andrée: You have to love Facebook comments! Bringing the bloggers together! Chris Harrison is making Nick sound so pathetic right now. Stop using the phrase “so desperately seeking” when referring to Nick trying to find a match. So this is where Santa lives eh? Is it the North Pole? I am confused; they didn’t explain that to my satisfaction. YAY! Nick’s family! The initial reason I started to like Nick!

Rose Marie: Santa lives in the North Pole, honey. His Reindeer spend time in Finland outside the Christmas Season. Santa goes there to visit them throughout the year.

Elaine: God, Vanessa is boring. Honestly, I wish bitchy Taylor had made it to the final two. Vanessa is too dull to hate-watch. As for poor Raven, there is no point watching any of her scenes. She’ll never be heard from again.

Andrée: Nick’s family is definitely being reserved this time around. They are asking all of the tough questions. It’s breaking my heart seeing his mom again. They were so convinced about Nick and Kaitlyn. Mr. H is just in complete disbelief that Nick dumped Corinne for the hick and some other girl he doesn’t remember at all.

Rose Marie: I thought Raven was handling herself pretty well. Saying the right things and scoring some parent points. She is sickeningly sweet though. Sort of like when you eat the whole batch of chocolate chip cookies!  Vanessa, just stick a needle in my eye and get it over with.  Gosh, I am not a fan. I feel like a traitor, should be supporting the Canadian girl but I just can’t.

Elaine: Vanessa is an insult to Canada. I mean, she’s no you, and she’s no Andrée and she’s no Justin Trudeau.

Rose Marie: I support exporting her to the USA, you can have her!

Elaine: WTF is Vanessa crying about? She just met Nick’s family, and she’s turning on the waterworks. It’s only 8:30 and I’ve already refilled my wine glass.

Andrée: This is f—ng painful. I hate her so much. She’s telling Nick’s mom she’s not ready to be engaged. Good. Be gone. Mr. H says if this is one of the chapters in her book, that’s a really boring book. They are now really making it look like the hick is going to win so maybe I change my vote. Vanessa is turning on the waterworks again. What a con artist. Ok, I hope the dramatic surprise is Corinne in a trenchcoat with a can of whipped cream, just saying.

Rose Marie: I like Nick’s Father. You always go for the girls with a strong personality.  How’s that worked for you son? Make a different choice this time dumbass.

Andrée: His father is giving him great advice, choose different women. Of course, he isn’t going to follow his dad’s advice and end up with an asshole no doubt.

Elaine: Two things about the on-camera Bachelor Nation audience. I feel bad for the man who is there. If he’s straight, the woman in his life should not drag him to this thing. It’s not like he even gets to see Corinne and her bouncy house bikini. Also, there is a bald woman. I don’t think it’s a fashion statement. I find myself concerned about her health. Chris Harrison gave her a hug so now; I have to do a #Thoughtsandprayers hashtag

Rose Marie: I missed all that…how did I miss that?  I blame it on Andrée she was sending me messages and distracting me!  My husband would divorce me if I tried to make him go to something like this.

Andrée: I missed all that too, but I was popping another bottle of champagne, so it’s not my fault. Oh, look, It’s a turd in a toque! Blech, I’m starting to get Andi-level hatred for Vanessa. Mr. H wants to know why Nick is at the Arctic Circle with no hat.

Elaine: That’s intense hatred. Andi Dorfman is high on the hate-watch index. Sometimes Mr. H and Mr. TV Recaps weigh in to mock the show or ogle Corinne, but dragging a husband to live show is a bit much. I refuse to acknowledge Santa. Not that I don’t love St. Nick as next as the next consumer, but this is not the time. And I don’t want them cheapening Santa.

Rose Marie: Why torture Santa, that’s unfair to him. OMG, she is crying again? More questioning…give me a break, why did you come on this show, Vanessa?  It’s all about falling in love in a short period of time and getting engaged at the end…

Andrée: Mr. H hopes Nick marries Santa Claus and wants to know if they have gay marriage in Finland. Santa’s loaded, he’s popular, he’s an executive with the best logistics in the world, he’s a catch. Hearing Vanessa compare her relationship to believing in Santa Claus makes me want to slit my throat.

Elaine: Nick said “I feel very strongly for you.” Or he said “sfgm fmal mgh.” Either way, it’s not as good as an “I love you.” Vanessa is pretending to be worried that he might “sfgm fmal mgh” for Raven too. As if.

Elaine: I was just telling Mr. TV Recaps that I’m on suicide watch now because I’m bored. And he said, “Is this the last one? Glory Hallelujah!”

Rose Marie: I think Vanessa might be on suicide watch after that little convo. Cry all you want, girl; he isn’t going to say I love you at this point. Try a new tactic.  I’m still torn about who he is going to choose. I’m not ready to count Raven out just yet.

Andrée: I don’t know, they are going out of their way to make it look like Vanessa is getting dumped, so I feel like it’s definitely going to be Vanessa and the big suspense will be whether or not she actually says yes. The show has been alluding to him getting potentially left at the altar all season. Let’s be frank; Raven would not be leaving him high and dry on his knees with a shiny ring. There is only one hardened bitch in this finale.

Elaine: I would love it if he picked Raven because it would be unexpected. I like that.

Rose Marie: Oh Mr. Andrée’s Dad just got home.  I’ll get him to bring me more wine from the fridge downstairs!!  I am much happier now!

Andrée: Wine is necessary in this situation. It’s the only thing that makes this show palatable. I am gutted that this date with Vanessa isn’t over yet. I can’t possibly listen to any more of his bullshit and any more of her being annoyed.

Elaine: I have to look up Raven’s height. She looks short, which is a bonus. Actually, she looks like a cute little doll. The problem with Nick is, he looks so genuine with each of them. That’s why he’s got at last seven Bachelor Nation notches on the bedpost.

Rose Marie: Her bio says she is 5’ 6”.  Hey, Andrée isn’t that the height you claimed to be when you tried to get that modeling gig in Halifax!!

Andrée: Wow, Mom you don’t even know my height. Tsk Tsk. I’m 5’6” and a half,  thank you and I claimed to be 5’8” :p Oh, wow. Mr. H just said, and I quote: “Wow, I escaped poverty to not have to marry a chick like this, and this guy is competing to get to marry her.”

Rose Marie: Remembering your height is the least of the things I need to clutter my brain with.

Andrée: I’m deeply hurt.

Rose Marie: Have a drink of champagne and get over it.

Elaine: Oh, that’s statuesque. I lied on a medical question the other day. I pretended to be 5’1” I added a quarter of an inch. I rounded up. Wait, what the hell are they sitting on? That better not be a dead reindeer. Dogs!!! There are dogs on this date! That makes this a great date. Ice skating and dogs. This is my second favorite date this season. Can’t beat my girl Rachel and the second line in New Orleans.

Rose Marie: Let’s just go with fake animal pelt. Making out on the ice, sitting on fake animal pelts by a fire and puppies. What else could you ask for?  You know my hubby plays Sousaphone in a second line band in Halifax!

Andrée: I would ask for everything in the world but this date. All I see is cold and wet and misery. Raven is just 100% convinced she’s getting proposed to tomorrow.

Rose Marie: You’ve never been a fan of anything that takes place in the cold, or rain, or fog, or wind.  OK, let’s face it, you only like sun as long as there are no bugs.

Elaine: I want to get back to Mr. Andrée’s father and the second line. That’s amazing. I will put on my parka and join the parade.

Rose Marie: In fact, I think they played a few songs at Andrée and Mr. H’s wedding at some point during the night.  But I digress…

Elaine: That was my second favorite wedding in the whole world. Well, I have to include my sister-in-law so it’s in the top three. Nick just said the sweetest thing to Raven, “Umgh ljem hermsip.”

Andrée: I have to say it was totally my favorite wedding ever!

Rose Marie: It was pretty special. It scares me that I am starting to understand most of his mumbling.

Elaine: It scares me that I think Nick is kind of hot. It’s the rakish smile. He’s definitely no Mr. TV Recaps who is a dreamboat. And he’s not Justin Trudeau who is my pretend boyfriend.

Rose Marie: I almost spit out my wine!! LOL! Ahhh, little Raven is so sweet and sincere.

Elaine: She is. I’m so fickle. I like her now. If he breaks her heart, I hope she ends up finding love on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m way too invested.

Andrée: I love Nick but Raven doesn’t do it for me. Although if it was Corinne, they probably wouldn’t be sitting in Finland right now. They’d be on a yacht, and she’d be half naked, and I would be happy instead of contemplating suicide. Mr. H is now texting Mr. TV Recaps attempting to escape this finale. Apparently, a blizzard isn’t quite enough to keep Mr. H on the couch watching this crap.

Elaine: I saw that text. It was a cry for help.

Rose Marie: Nick should pick Raven. He would always be the best person she has ever had sex with!  What more does he want? It’s a lifetime of studliness.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it Andi!!

Elaine: That is a brilliant point. I think Raven may have fibbed a little about that, but if it makes Nick feel good and thwarts Andi, I’m all for it.

Rose Marie: Exactly. What a great move on her part!  She may have a little bit of schemer under all that sweet.

Andrée: It’s the right thing to do, she would never leave him. Nick’s not one for making good choices though unfortunately.

Elaine: I had a salient point to make it, but the wine made me forget. Oh, wait, I remember. I should know better, but Chris Harrison is making me believe that hyperbole will happen tonight. It’s like Charlie Brown and the football. And besides, the best After the Final Rose will always be Jason Mesnick dumping Melissa and telling Molly he loved her. I loved Molly too. The only way Nick tops that is if he announces that he’s now a polygamist and will marry both girls and move to Utah.

Rose Marie: I loved Jason and was so happy when he dumped Melissa.  Molly was obviously the best choice.  That was a dramatic moment for sure! Nick couldn’t handle two women. You can only mumble around so much.

Andrée: I didn’t watch that season, I feel like I missed out. Mr. H pointed out that the chick with the bald head may in fact just be a lesbian as she is sitting next to another chick with a half shaved head with short purple hair. He also observed that Nick’s real problem is he has horrible taste in women. I have to agree.

Rose Marie: OMG really, you missed that!!  You def have deprived yourself.

Elaine: I did notice who the bald lady was sitting next to and it makes me think Mr. H is correct. Dear God, is this episode still going on? I’m feeling bad for Raven now. I suspect I’m going to see her dress first. I’d like to take a moment to praise Chateau St. John Chardonnay. It’s the perfect white for a summer night. The warm vanilla and brown spice aroma is as comforting as hot cocoa. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.

Rose Marie: Why did they choose a location that’s bitter cold?  You can’t even see the dresses.

Elaine: It adds to the ladies masochism. Oh, dear. I just saw an ad for Nick on The Dancing with the Stars ad. The sexy meter is dipping.

Rose Marie: Please tell me you are kidding.  Thank goodness I don’t watch that show.  I just saw it too….garçon, garçon I need more wine!!

Elaine: I don’t watch it either. Surprisingly, I have limits.

Andrée: Even I have that limit! Mental note, Raven’s dress is long and grey with a long black coat, and then in the other corner, we have Vanessa in all black. Mr. H says if we are going off how these two look entering the limo, Vanessa for the win. Limo door is opening, and what do we see – ouch, it’s grey. Fairy tale over, Raven.

Rose Marie: Ahhh mannnn!!  I think I knew she was too sweet for it to work.  But I didn’t want to admit it.  I worry about her being eaten alive in Paradise though.

Elaine: Yeah, but she could be the one sweet girl to make it. I’d like to take a moment to praise Popyeyes drive-thru. The authentic Louisiana seasonings transport you to New Orleans. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.

Andrée: I’m currently praying to the Bachelor gods that Raven does not go to Bachelor in Paradise. What Raven needs now, and I’ve said this before is a Hitachi Magic Wand. Settle in with The Notebook; some Ben and Jerry’s and your new magic wand and discover what controlling your own orgasms are like, it will totally soothe your pain. Ad dollars or freebies welcome

Rose Marie: Oh gosh, stop talking Raven…look at his face…this is not a good sign for you. I’ve never had Popeyes. I’m drinking Mr. Andrée’s Dad’s homemade wine.

Elaine: The second line and the homemade wine?! He is my second favorite husband. Well, I have to include my new brother-in-law, so top three.

Rose Marie: And the boat, don’t forget that!!

Elaine: Sorry new brother-in-law, you just dropped down. I mean, I did spend a lot of time down below, the water was choppy. Next time, I’ll man up.

Rose Marie: LOL It’s even better now we have a fridge so cold beer and wine.  And we just bought an ice maker to bring on board this summer!! But back to the show…bye Raven, sorry you just had your heart ripped to shreds.

Elaine: Do you have a unicorn? I think you need a unicorn. Raven, you will be better in the long run. Go have orgasms with someone else now. You can do it. At least she’ll be a star in Hoxie. Pop. 8.

Rose Marie: Yes Raven, never settle for a man that doesn’t satisfy you sexually.  It isn’t all about them!!  

Andrée: She’s a country girl, she’s going to settle. Buy a Hitachi Raven you can thank me later.

Elaine: I feel like Nick’s tears are playing me. Different time, different place and it would be up to 8 notches, young man.

Andrée: I’m pretty angry, I haven’t cried once. Usually, I cry even if I can’t stand the girl. I have no emotions watching this girl get her heart broken.

Rose Marie:  Your heart is cold as ice!! Okay, now we have to watch him propose to Vanessa.  Sigh……

Elaine: The suspense isn’t killing me.

Andrée: There isn’t even a lake she could potentially trip and fall into for our entertainment. I actually feel like her dress looked better with the little jacket.

Rose Marie: Oh, did we just get a hint from Chris that the big historic moment has something to do with Rachel??

Andrée: This big surprise better not be the show giving itself another pat on the back for having a black Bachelorette.

Elaine: I heard that too, but I thought it was just the Chateau St. John talking. How can that be the surprise? We already know she’s The Bachelorette. And agreed with the show’s self-congratulatory attitude. The Bachelor producers think they get the award for finally doing something they should have done before. What do you think the surprise is?

Rose Marie: Not sure, maybe meet some of the potential bachelors??

Elaine: This is a very emotional proposal. I wish I cared more. I should be secretly crying because I’m too invested. But I’m not crying. I’m just reaching for another delicious drumstick from Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen.

Andrée: No tears here. Just a complete lack of emotion and interest. Nothing like telling a guy you are crazy and emotional leading up to his proposal.

Rose Marie: Have a big drink of wine that’ll bring tears to your eyes!!  

Elaine: Done and done. I may regret this in the morning, but it’s not the morning. Live in the moment.

Rose Marie: That’s my motto.  Well, isn’t this great, the USA gets a new citizen!!

Andrée: Her family was pretty adamant that he move to Canada so we shall see.

Elaine: If she had a brain in her head, she’d be staying up there with Justin Trudeau. I’ll take her place. Then I can go from cyberstalking JT to actual stalking. Dreamy sigh.

Rose Marie: The most shocking dramatic moment in Bachelor history ever!!!!!! Chris needs new writers.

Elaine: Really? Truly? Maybe Chris Harrison is telling me the truth this time.  I literally have four chicken bones and an empty bottle of wine in front of me.

Rose Marie: I just have an empty wine glass, not sure how I ended up in this predicament.

Andrée: It’s for Rachel eh, I’m hoping it’s a man covered in sushi. Or Corinne popping out of a cake.

Elaine: I need another bottle and I need to find out where my dog went. He may be trying to make scientific history with a cat. Long story.

Rose Marie: I don’t even want to ask. Bachelor in Paradise!!!!!!!! Yes Raven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elaine: Good for Raven. May you find love or at least a second orgasm in Paradise. Oh, my Rachel is coming up. She’s so pretty. Yes, Rachel, yes! Represent!

Andrée: Booo, Raven will be the new annoying chick on BIP I guess since Carly shacked up with that freako Evan. This damn surprise better not be that she will have the most amount of men ever to choose from because that always gets confusing.

Rose Marie: No she won’t, we’ll like Raven in Paradise.  I’m sure she can have lots of orgasms in paradise if she wants!!  Good girl gone bad.  Wait is that a different show or movie??? I love Rachel!!

Elaine: I love her almost as much as I love Salmon Creek Cabernet Sauvignon and Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds. Your ad dollars are welcome.

Rose Marie: Well that’s saying something!

Elaine: The Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds have distracted the dog. So we won’t have any cuppies. Those are cat puppies.

Rose Marie: I’m glad you explained that!

Andrée: You might want to put down that bottle if visions of cuppies are running through your head, Elaine.

Elaine: It’s gonna be funny when Mr. TV Recaps finally returns to the room and finds me passed out surrounded by chicken bones, pork rinds and an empty bottle of wine. Vanessa’s yammering makes me peckish. Side note: It’s not even my cat. Long story.

Rose Marie: I expect Mr. TV Recaps will handle it!  Vanessa is just such a yadayada. Nick has chosen a life of being nagged, oh what fun.

Andrée: Yeah big surprise, her first comment is how some days are hard. Stupid bitch. Did she just say she’s never watched a season? Well, stupid is as stupid does.

Elaine: Vanessa is not as fun as The Tastiest Crunch in the South. I honestly am so bored with her that I’m considering letting the dog go to the fantasy suite with the cat.

Andrée: PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE. STEP AWAY FROM THE PETS.

Rose Marie: A toothache is more fun than Vanessa.  I have absolutely no comeback for the dog/cat fantasy suite. Good thing my wine is gone, I’d be spitting it out again. Are we at the surprise yet?  No…damn.

Elaine: Are you there, God? It’s us, TVRD. Please let something interesting happen. Or I’ll keep writing about pork rinds.

Andrée: What a surprise the naggy bitch turned out to be a naggy bitch. Nick hasn’t even come out yet and I can already tell they are done. I’m also excited about the future. The future in which we never have to see you again, Vanessa. Ouch, they even had a shitty kiss! The only time Vanessa sounded passionate is when she talked about her ring.

Rose Marie: There is no saving us, they are still talking about how they fight. I am feeling so optimistic for their future, NOT!

Elaine: The thing about pork rinds is that they have 0 grams of carbs. And there are only 10 calories per pork rind.

Rose Marie: Mr. Andree’s Dad has brought them home before, and they were not bad.

Elaine: I want an endorsement deal. And not Cuppies.

Rose Marie: Hahaha, Vanessa is going to move to the USA.  I wonder if Trumpkin will let her in?

Elaine: She’s bound to be detained. You know, it’s my sister-in-law’s cat. I bet I’d make a pretty penny if this Cuppie thing happened. Dear God, please let’s just get on to Rachel.

Rose Marie: Cuppies…it’s a catchy phrase.  I have to be careful here, I don’t want to be seen as encouraging your ideas!!  So Rachel has no idea what is about to happen. Chris is baiting us.

Elaine: I don’t want to be seen as encouraging the dog’s ideas. I think he doesn’t really understand consent.

Andrée: Mr. TV Recaps, YOU ARE NEEDED! #savethecat #getthatdogaplushtoy

Rose Marie: I almost fell off the couch laughing at that one , Andrée. Just remember a drunk yes is a no!!

Elaine: Heh, I’ll tell him. Rachel is so pretty. A drunk Elaine is bi.

Rose Marie: Thank heavens Nick and Vanessa are gone. Wow, Rachel looks amazing!!  The girls are out and everything!!

Andrée: Definitely Mrs and Mr. H approved. Aww, I just remembered we don’t get BIP right away first we do The Bachelorette.

Elaine: That’s right, girl. Push ‘em up and flaunt ‘em. That’s how I nabbed Mr. TV Recaps.

Rose Marie: My best friend always says, “Boobs rule the world”.

Elaine: She is correct. And let’s not forget an eye-catching posterior.

Rose Marie: Or a platinum vagine.

Elaine: Ding, ding, ding! That is the most important. I’m dating Justin Trudeau and Rachel, yet, I don’t understand the whole surprise factor. Wait, whaaaaa? The hell? Did Chris just say The Bachelorette starts right now? Damn it, the wine and pork rinds have me so confused.

Andrée: If and only if you are actually able to show off the platinum vagine! 

Rose Marie: Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…this was an epic surprise.  However, I guessed it earlier tonight!!!  Just sayin’…do I get a prize?

Andrée: Your prize is you got to see the beginning of The Bachelorette already. Woo freaking hoo.

Elaine: I’m still so confused. Chris Harrison said she’d meet her first guy. Is he her first guy? What is happening?

Rose Marie: You have had too much wine!!  He is introducing her to the first guy after the commercial break!!  

Andrée: What did these guys do to get the preferential treatment? Twitter is blowing up right now.

Elaine: It’s not too much wine, it’s product placement. I hope the first guy is cute.

Rose Marie: I stand corrected. This is fun, makes everything that came before this worth it.

Andrée: Shows up with tickets to Vegas and a ring. Sold!

Elaine: Oooh, look at that. Nation of Islam in da house. Nice bowtie, cutie. Second guy, meh.

Rose Marie: First guy is cute. Second guy nope. Bye bye Blake, let’s not waste our time.

Andrée: Eww. Pass on Blake. He is painful. I hate him already.

Elaine: So, Chris Harrison didn’t lie for once. This third one is kinda cute. Okay, the racial quip with the whole “Once you go black” thing is grounds for dismissal. Too soon, white guy, too soon. You gotta wait before you start with that.

Rose Marie: Ohhh, damn he went there. My jaw dropped a bit.

Andrée: He’s def getting the boot. He got no air time, she’s like “See ya.”

Elaine: Once Mr. Justin Trudeau goes black, he won’t go back to Canada. Fourth guy. Meh. Well, the goofy dance made me love him a little bit. I’m so fickle.

Rose Marie: I think he might be fun. I like the dance.  Mr. JT is attractive but you know he is not a charismatic as his Father was.  His Father wasn’t good looking, but had every woman in Canada in love with him.

Andrée: He sucks. Hate him. Hate everything about him. No goofy dance will make up for that terrible intro. I only like 1 out of the 4

Elaine: I did not know that. Well, JT has one woman here who loves him. The show is over already. Thanks for making it the best recap in Bachelor history!!!

Rose Marie: It was my pleasure, I’m happy to have participated in the drama!!  Now we wait until May for the fun to begin!!

Andrée: That was pretty good. I don’t know if it was to the level of any of my guesses, but it’s better than I expected. I hate to have to sit through another Bachelorette before we get to the show I love, but I will spend my time happily shopping for Corinne’s husband for Bachelor in Paradise and tweeting her about it. May 22 will be the start of Rachel’s season, then Bachelor in Paradise!!!! I tip my glass to you ladies and look forward to continuing our rants; I mean recaps in May!

Andrée: I am not looking forward to the first part of tonight, obviously, but I am looking forward to seeing Corinne again during The Women Tell All. Three hours straight, this is going to require copious amounts of champagne to get through. I love how the previews are basically all about The Women Tell All. They might as well come right out and say press fast forward on the first hour and a half of this crap.

Elaine: That Finland fantasy suite rustic igloo love pod looks fun. Theory: Raven totally fibbed about never having an orgasm so that she could bolster Nick’s ego in the fantasy suite. Clever girl. That “Yay, I had great sex.” montage makes me hate this show and myself. I picture mean old Andi and Kaitlyn sitting around talking trash over wine. I’m glad we’re not like that.

Andrée: If I didn’t like Raven before, her after-sex montage definitely sealed the deal on my pure hatred for her. On that note, I’m popping my second bottle already. It’s going to be a long night.

Elaine: Here comes my girl Rachel in her cute knit hat and fur pompom.

Andrée: Trust me Rachel, nothing about cross country skiing is fun. Where is the booze on this date? Honestly, I can’t get into watching this date with Rachel knowing she ends up getting the boot. I don’t understand why they spilled the beans early on that one. Especially with Corinne gone, Rachel is by far the only good one left.

Elaine:  Aww, Rachel, just told Nick she’s scared and he sweetly said: “gruhl mph. Hmnk.” Wait, where are they? F-ck that Finland fantasy suite rustic igloo love pod looks fun. Rachel has a chalet. Those penguin onesies, tho. I love her.

Andrée: Round Two of Nick getting it in. Ding, Ding. Coming up: a snoozy bitch fest with Vanessa. Be still my beating heart. Oh, this date is all about torturing Vanessa. Okay, that I can get into. Now they are in a outdoor hottub, much more pleasant; 9 out of 10 people would be engaged in a hot makeout session. Vanessa is going on about her Sunday traditions and how non-compliance is a deal-breaker for her.

Elaine: Vanessa is wasting time. Nick’s turned into quite the cutie. I like the rakish smile. No wonder he’s got seven Bachelor Nation notches on his bedpost, That’s the word on the street.

Andrée: Nick’s seeing what it feels like inside a Canadian, eh? Make that 8.

Elaine:  Vanessa thinks he’s gonna move to Canada? I love that he told her he’s “proud to be an American.” Damn, right. He wants that poontang, not poutine. Okay, we know Rachel’s the next Bachelorette. This rose ceremony suspense isn’t killing me. She’s doing a pretty limo cry, working that Lauren Conrad mascara streak.

Andrée: Wow, I am so shocked that Rachel doesn’t end up marrying Nick. *rolls eyes* This whole episode was pointless and insufferable.

Elaine: He’s obviously going to pick the nag. Does he dump Vanessa before or after Dancing with the Stars? Does she get to keep the Neil Lane ring anyway? I don’t imagine we’ll ever see Vanessa again. “Core values” don’t get you to Bachelor in Paradise, do they? Predictions?

Andrée: Honestly, I think he is going to pick the hick. He doesn’t want to move to Canada, he wants to live in LA for endorsement deals. And he has no self-confidence so I think he’ll go for the one that definitely will never break up with him. And who wants to be nagged every night for the rest of their lives? *shudder*

This national nightmare The Bachelor’s season finale is tonight at 8/7c on ABC.

Here we go, the hometown date elimination. Which girl’s family sucks the most? Before we get to all that, ex-Bachelorette Andi Dorfman, shows up to advise her punching bag, Nick Vialls. We have The Bachelor statistician and Canadian minister of awesome Andrée H. to break it all down. — Elaine F

Andrée: I want to throw up just looking at Andi Dorman’s stupid face. I hate her so much. Her little snide comment about four girls actually sticking around. Get off my TV,  Andi. You already ruined two other seasons for me. This is the worst possible way to start an episode. Nick shouldn’t be talking about his regrets when she wrote a book talking about how he was terrible in the sack. So that was just completely pointless? There was no point to that whatsoever?

Elaine: When it comes to rolling my eyes at Andi Dorfman, I’m an OG original. Why is Andi asking about Nick’s plans for fantasy suite? I was hoping she was going to say: “Try not to suck at it.”

Andrée: She practically did. I am so glad that bit is over. I now have the heebie-jeebies.

Elaine: Which girl will get eliminated? They previewed my girl Rachel in Finland at the beginning of the season. Just now, they showed a preview of Raven in Finland. Spoiler much, ABC? Sheesh.

Andrée: In my mind, Vanessa is going, she had the crappiest hometown date easily. These bitches are freezing. They should set up a wind guard or something. God, Corinne’s coat is fabulous. I need one. I notice during the entire ceremony Corinne has a tear down her face. I wonder what was said that we didn’t hear. I’m shocked Nick didn’t pick Corinne, it seems like she is the only one he has any chemistry with whatsoever. She would have stayed with him forever too, if only for the publicity. I know I should be happy because this means that she is going to stay in the Bachelor franchise forever, but I honestly think they would have been good together. Well, I big-time hate this episode.

Elaine:  Corinne: “My heart is breaking. How will I go on? Driver, take me to Bachelor in Paradise. Imma take a nap.”

Andrée: If I didn’t have to write this blog I would turn off the television.

Elaine:  Thank you for your service. Oh, boy, ANOTHER contestant who announces that she’s had a nonexistent or lousy sex life. There is always one. Nick’s going to do all the heavy lifting in that fantasy suite.

Andrée: I am in no way surprised Ravn’s had a nonexistent sex life. I’m not watching her date, it’s on the TV but I’m too focused on tweeting Corinne.

Elaine: Did Raven say she never had an orgasm because she “didn’t trust” her boyfriend “to get her there?” At the risk of being indelicate, since when did clits get so demanding? Oh, FFS now she’s talking about her dad praying for her.  Way to get in the mood with the dirty talk.

Andrée: Somebody buy this chick a Hitachi, stat!

Elaine: As with so many things you say, I’m afraid to ask what that means, so I’m moving on. This fantasy suite cabin is marvelous. I want Mr. TV Recaps to take me to that sex cabin. Unlike Raven’s ex, he’ll make sure I see those Northern Lights.

Andrée: Nothing I can say will top that!

Elaine: Yay, they just announced that next week is a three-hour episode! I have something to live for. Aside from Mr. TV Recaps. And the dog. And wine.

Andrée: Man they are going to stretch the next two dates into 3 hours? Or will it be 2 hours of dates and an hour of Women Tell All? They should ban the mental health counselor so she doesn’t ruin any of my precious Corinne time.

Elaine: Wait, this episode is only one hour? Dafuq? This is some bullshit.

Andrée: Thank god. F you The Bachelor this episode was the worst!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Andrée: It seems crazy to me that we are already at hometowns! I guess Nick has been booting girls left, right and center so it would make sense that things seem so sped up! The four girls that we have left could not be more different from each other. Raven is like the small town weird girl, Vanessa is the nagging mom type, Rachel is a straight talker and Corinne is a stuck up rich bitch.

Elaine: Hometown dates are my least favorite episode.They are so predictable. The exceptions are JoJo Fletcher’s psychotic brothers and Clare Crawley’s horrid sister. JoJo’s  brothers were itching to murder Ben Higgins. Claire Crawley from Juan Pablo’s season had a sister who is mad that Claire’s the pretty one.  Here we go with Raven in South Tumbleweed. She was a shoo-in for the hometowns. The Bachelor producers can’t resist a hokey hometown. They did that with Chris Soules and all the girls had to pretend they wanted to move to some town in Iowa with a population of 429. Really, that’s the population. Beautiful, glamorous Britt Nilsson wasn’t a good enough actress to pull it off.  She went from “WTF kind of s-hithole is this?” to “I mean, wow, I LOVE towns without a Sephora! Let’s go milk a pig.”

Andrée: You are forgetting the year that Desiree’s brother scared off her man and she got dumped. At least that scored her a run as The Bachelorette. I already hate this date. I love how she thinks she is bringing the sexy. She wouldn’t know what sexy was if it slapped her in the face. She’s taking him to the sacred grain bins. They are now getting in trouble with the cops. Worst date ever. Eww. The cop is her brother. Even worse. She sucks so bad she’s getting beat at her own hick games. Eww I that water looks stagnant. This is so disgusting. I am so grossed out right now.

Elaine: I’m bored. I can’t make it through Raven’s hometown. How the hell is it that it’s after 8 and I’m not drinking? Imma get some wine and wait for something interesting to happen. Call me when they get to the square dance.

Andrée: So far they are just getting gross diseases from stagnant water. That wasn’t much of a reaction to her Dad being cancer free. She looks nothing at all like her parents. I wonder what she looks like without the fake hair and tan? Poor Raven. Her dad thinks that Nick is the most serious love interest she’s ever had. Soooo she’s had nothing then I am guessing? Noooo Raven you aren’t in love with him, he isn’t even in like with you! I’m glad she didn’t say it, Nick would have sent her back home to her parents for sure.

Elaine: Yesss! It’s time for my beloved Rachel. Since ABC already announced that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, I guess her scenes are previews to her season. Their date is a black church service. Cliché, much? No offense to Jesus.

Andrée: I saw the preview to Corinne’s date and I so want to fast forward. I’m sorry but this is the most horrible date in the world. If some dude took me to church for a date I would be legitimately angry. I would melt the second I tried to walk in the door, I can’t like Rachel anymore. She’s dead to me. I just want to fast forward to Corinne. So much better than church. OMG now they are talking about church.

Elaine: I wish ABC hadn’t pat themselves on the back by repeatedly trumpeting that she’s the first black Bachelorette. She’s cute, accomplished and fun. The audience would have figured out the black part without so many reminders. That said, Rachel’s family is keeping it real with this conversation about race. The climate has gotten uglier since the Russians elected the Head Racist in Charge.

Andrée: This date is so weird and fake. It is literally just a long conversation about race, between different groups of people. I wish they weren’t making this so weird and awkward. It could have been organic.

Elaine: Time for Corinne! Yay! The sole reason to take Corinne to hometowns is so we can get scenes of her indentured nanny.  Rachel’s family: “So, you will have to confront racism.” Corinne’s family: “So you will have to buy Corinne lots of stuff. Neil Lane is for poor people. You’re going to need that Dancing with the Stars moola.” Props to Corinne’s mom for pointing out that this is “fantasy.” Right on. Bad news: No Corinne and Nick televised wedding and reality show. Good news: Corinne is going to the best thing to ever happen to Bachelor in Paradise. She’ll get her own reality show. Hey, did they give details on the “multimillion dollar  business” Corinne “owns?”

Andrée: Corinne time!! YAY!!! Shopping time! I want Corinne’s life so much. The dressing room is your holy ground. Yes, Corinne, yes it is. If I was there with you right now sipping on champagne we wouldn’t even need Nick. Can I marry Corinne? She is my dream woman. My dream woman. Uh-oh, she said I love you, that’s a death sentence on this show. Raquel!! I’m more excited to see her then the fam. I’m not even sure I knew she was Greek. I love Raquel she seems so sweet. I think her Dad is loaded drunk. His Dad is just pulling out the carpet from underneath her. Nick is going to have a ton of money from endorsements, he has nothing to worry about. They are ruining everything! I’m scared they might have scared Nick off despite what he said as he was leaving. I just need for them to be together forever.

Elaine: Vanessa is dull AF, but at least Nick gets to visit Montreal. You must be pleased. This hometown is all about how saintly Vanessa is with her special needs students. She’s a shoo-in for final two. Vanessa’s family: We’ll hate you if you hurt her. Me: Get the tissues ready, he’s gonna dump her, go on Dancing with the Stars and continue to screw his way across Bachelor Nation. Yes, I’ve come to terms with the sad truth Nick won’t give me a televised wedding. I read that he’s sexed up seven women in the franchise. That’s Kaitlyn Bristowe, Andi Dorfman, his one-time stand with Liz Sandoz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Who are the other four? I guess he could have given the final four off-camera time. Theories?

Andrée: Not excited for Vanessa’s date at all. She’s the worst. First up bringing him to meet a bunch of students. This date sucks so bad. Poor Nick, first stagnant water, then church, then a brief reprieve full of shopping and bubbles, then this crap. Wait. She’s wearing leather pants to teach a bunch of special needs adults. Vanessa has a bit of a naughty streak, eh? Still not enough to save face. She’s a terrible representative of Canada. Well, he got with that one boring girl on BIP. At least one, maybe another. Then I am sure he has already banged a few girls on this season we don’t know about. Ugh, I can’t stand Vanessa’s family. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree for that girl. No proposal blessing for Nick, that should make it easier to get rid of her. Has Vanessa not watched this show? Of course, he asked all the dads that. Otherwise, we would know who he was going to marry, duh.

Elaine: Since this date is in Canada. I want Justin Trudeau to show up. He’s so dreamy. Can you put in a good word for me so I can get Canadian citizenship?

Andrée: I honestly think Nick is going to marry Corinne. I have all the good feelings it’s going to happen. The other two suck so bad and they’ve announced Rachel as The Bachelorette. Sure, we are all buddies back in Canada, I’ll put in the good word at 24 Sussex.

Elaine: Okay, finally the cruelest Bachelor tradition, Nick has to tell some girl: “I was falling in love with you but your family sucks. Bye!” Wait, what? Andi Dorfman is showing up at his door? Welp, this episode was a bust but at least we get a cliffhanger.

Andrée: OMG I want to live in this Brooklyn penthouse that Nick is pacing in dramatically. Ooooh the night view is awesome too. Eww, Andi. Speaking of bitches I hate.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

The Bachelor is getting brutal as hometown dates approach. Some girls (Corinne) will stop at nothing. Thankfully, we have Canadia ambassador and The Bachelor scholar Andrée H. to analyze Corinne’s vagine. Take it away! — Elaine F.

Andrée: Show opens up just jumping straight into the drama. Nick isn’t sure if he wants to stay, none of the girls know if Nick, is, in fact, feeling them, Corinne has some serious bedhead…here we go!

Elaine: Sigh, Nick’s man tears are not impressing me. Neither are the girls acting like The Bachelor season is going to wrap here and now. There are five girls I recognize: Raven, Rachel, Danielle M., Corinne, Vanessa and some girl whose name I never bothered to learn. Girl, bye. If I don’t know who you are by now, thy name is cannon fodder.

Andrée: It was all a trick! Nick wants to stay! What a shocker! On top of everything no rose ceremony! Today is a good day!

Elaine: What a tense nail-biter. I thought he was going to wander into the sea and ask Chris Harrison to take over Chris would be great at this because no matter what you did, he’d be enthused. “Wifey, these are the MOST TASTY scrambled eggs ever!” “Please tell me more about your day in minute detail., this is the MOST STIMULATING conversation ever!”

Andrée: I’m guessing Chris Harrison is chronically single because he has his hand’s free with Bachelorette hopefuls. Bimini looks gorgeous! And it’s really fun, apparently! I can’t believe that hometowns are next week. I really hope that we get to meet Corinne’s nanny. Vanessa gets the one-on-one date if she manages to stay alive with the killer looks Corinne is shooting her way.

Elaine:  Bimini is the  MOST SCENIC location ever. It’s breathtaking. And that villa. I want to live in that villa. F-ck the rest of this episode, I just want decor porn.

Andrée: I am a little bored with Vanessa. All her conversations with Nick just feel too deep. It makes me wonder if they have much more of a connection than what they have showed us on screen. Watching them kiss in the water, it does feel very genuine.

Elaine: Vanessa and Nick seem natural together. She bores me, but I think  she’ll be “winner.” Or maybe Danielle M. The Bachelor usually goes for the bland girl. He passed over pretty, witty, fun Molly for Melissa, but then came to his senses at the MOST SHOCKING After the Final Rose and begged Molly for another chance. I loved it. They are still married. I love them.

Andrée: I feel terrible for Vanessa. She said I love you and he responded basically with yeah “I felt fake love on here before too.”  Ouch.

Elaine: Is that what he said? I thought he said: “gleou plig ght hokelmaom.” That’s a gentle warning: “Look girl, after a few Us magazine covers, I’m going on Dancing with the Stars. SPOILER: You’re not gonna be the Bachelorette. You’re not slutty enough for Bachelor in Paradise.

Andrée: Poor li’l Corinne isn’t getting all of the attention on the group date. I’m trying to pay attention but I really just want to skip ahead to the part where she tries to sleep with him. I guess I’ll have to deal with watching them swim with sharks for now.

Elaine: Nick is tired of having to dump girls. Nick wants the shark to make the choice for him.” It’ll be the BLOODIEST group date ever.

Andrée: Watching Corinne chow down on that cheese is cracking me up. In all honesty though. if you put a huge plate of cheese in front of me I’d do the same.

Elaine: Hell, yeah!

Andrée: Good on Corinne for bringing up that she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet,  that’s kind of crazy being that next week is hometowns. Of course Raven, the one person whose scenes put me to sleep, gets the group date rose and first ticket to hometowns. Wishing I could fast forward to the sex scene!

Elaine: Corinne doesn’t need a one-on-one, she’s always on top of him. After she lured him into a bouncy house, what else does he need to know? They have to give Raven a hometown. In the pilot, she was standing in front of the sign, Pop. 8. This show loves that kind of thing. Her hair looks longer every week. Extensions?

Andrée: Now Nick is questioning his relationship with Danielle. He really is failing at this gig. He’s dumping another one? Wow.

Elaine: Welp, so much for my crystal ball. Danielle would be the MOST CLINICALLY DEPRESSED last girl standing. She’s too fragile for this show.

Andrée: “I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick, I would.” Another wonderful Corinne quote.

Elaine: Let’s not get crazy, Corinne. You could never handle a shack

Andrée: YES! It’s time for the platinum vagine!  Right away Nick offers her a drink, and OH, it’s bubbles. A man after my own heart. YAY!  She’s bringing him to his bed. This is making me so happy right now. The porn music in the background is amazing. “You must have two hands on at all times, never jiggle, lightly massage.” Amazing. He’s telling her to slow down, NOOOOO Nick. Do it. You made Kaitlyn do it, now you do it.

Elaine: Poor Corinne. Her platinum vagine was not genuine. It’s some silverplate vagine from QVC. Well, thanks for giving us a terrific new word: “vagine.”

Andrée: This is a true walk of shame.

Elaine: I have a theory about our little Corinne. When Corinne was about 19, she saw Courtney’s season and found a spirit guide. She talks hilarious trash in her ITMS, used the phrase “winning,” which she got from Courtney, who got it from Charlie Sheen when it was relevant. She makes blatant seduction attempts. She doesn’t have Courtney’s game. My girl Courtney initiated secret skinny-dipping with Ben. And based on her memoir, there was penetration. Sadly, the waves kept knocking them over, so he only got the tip in. But it made enough of an impression to get that final rose. Maybe in a couple of years, Corinne will have stepped up her temptress game.

Andrée: The ocean was the smart part. That way Ben could pretend like nothing happened. Corinne went in too direct, all Nick style. This date with Rachel feels really fun and relaxed.

Elaine:  Nick is choosing good dates. The outings are fun and something you’d actually do with your man. I think some of the girls think their “life” with The Bachelor is going to be all helicopter rides and private concerts.

Andrée: They are really making it look like Corinne is going home so I am just going to hope that that is The Bachelor just being assholes. Oh yay, it’s Christina, thank God.

Elaine: Oh, bye girl whom I never paid attention to. I like how playful the girls are with each other.  They are totes gonna be Instagram friends. Some friends are for a season, some friends are for a reason and some friends put cheese on your head when you fall asleep.

Andrée: If someone stacked cheese on my head while I was sleeping, I would shred their rose ceremony dresses to pieces.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

The last episode of The Bachelor to me shows the absurdity of the premise of the show. Take 30 random strangers and at the end of a few weeks with few interactions, marry one of them. Nick is clearly troubled by his on-again-off-again feelings for these contestants.  What is he worried about, exactly? In his role it is not likely that he will get to the final two and someone will reject his proposal. So it is more that he will choose incorrectly. The only person he consistently seeks out is Corrine, who shouts to the others that the boy just wants to have fun. Or maybe she is his default because the idea of choosing incorrectly is so overwhelming to him that he needs the distraction from his real concern that he doesn’t really love any of them – as much as he might want to.

I first was all about Rachel, but after the last episode, I think he is just not mature enough for her.  Vanessa is the almost motherly figure that I could see him with. Danielle is someone whom I think he would like to be equal to but is not. He said that he is looking for an adventurous partner – that would be more Raven or Corrine. I do like that he has cut women as soon as he thinks it won’t work with them.  The women, however, feel they don’t know what to expect so there may be some backing out yet.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée: I just love it when a show opens with the suitcase of a girl I can’t stand being pulled away. Wait, Taylor is interrupting Corinne and Nick’s one-on-one dinner? That’s a little over the top. Of course, they are showing Corrinne getting drunk and talking to herself while it’s all going down. I’m already smiling from ear to ear.

Elaine: Oh boy, Taylor just screwed herself. Accommodating the crazy edit when you are an alleged mental health counselor is just plain dumb. Taylor can’t blame all this on editing, she went along with this tomfoolery.  Corinne has nothing to lose. Daddy won’t fire her from “running” the vague multi-million dollar business. And she’s a shoo-in for Bachelor in Paradise and a guest spot on General Hospital. She’s not talking to herself, she’s talking to an off-camera producer. Well, it’s actually the booze talking to an off-camera producer.

Andrée: Of course it had no effect on Nick whatsoever because Corrinne is the perfect woman!

hasElaine: What’s up with Corinne’s hair in those hilarious ITMs? She always has bedhead. It adds to her drunken je ne sais quoi.

Andrée: The perfect washed-up-on-the beach woman.

Elaine: You mean Corinne’s a mermaid?

Andrée:  Something like that. No cocktail party tonight. I love those nights. Puts bitches on edge. Girls are crying, freaking out and good ole Corrine is drinking champagne and kissing her rose, I love it.

Elaine: I’m not going to miss these eliminated girls at all. Jami may do Bachelor in Paradise, the bi thing works in her favor. Imagine the love triangle possibilities. Alexis the Dolphin Girl is out. Thank you, baby Jesus. Aside from her annoying “wacky nurse” introductory segment in the first episode, I didn’t see Josephine do anything aside from kindly advising Corinne not to talk with her mouth full.

Andrée: Yes, I think the fact that Jami is bi makes her an absolute shoo-in I wouldn’t mind some girl-on-girl action on BIP, spice things up a little bit.

Elaine: Rachel might make Black History tonight. I read somewhere that none of my fellow chocolate goddesses have ever made it past the sixth week. Oh, right. Jasmine G. is there too. Based on the season previews, she won’t make history.

Andrée: Really, eh? That would be cool though if the record was broken by not only one but two girls! St. Thomas looks all sorts of beautiful!

Elaine: One-on-one with some girl I never saw before. She might be an extra who snuck onto the set. I will ignore the rest of this date and get up for some champagne. Call me when it’s over.

Andrée: I have no flipping clue who she is. They are on a water plane thing looking at the island all very typical. Then they had dinner, I dunno. I faded out until Corrinne came back on the screen talking about how she wanted to spend her day in bed drinking champagne and freaking out excited because she gets a St. Thomas nanny. Okay, I am glad I woke up this one-on-one girl is talking about being an orphan from Russia and avoiding prostitution and my my, quite the backstory. He’s definitely stuck with her now for a bit, or he’ll look like a giant dick. There’s a joke to be made here about how being on The Bachelor is basically prostituting yourself, but I won’t be inappropriate and make it.

Elaine: Volleyball group date. Nick is living every man’s dream right now. It starts with volleyball and ends with a slo-mo pillow fight (probably). I asked Mr. TV Recaps and he said: “If we’re going that route, I’d just want to have women on trampolines.”

Andrée: Ah yes in classic Man Show style, I like Mr. TV Recaps’  taste. A group date with shots, bikinis and Corrinne, this should be messy!

Elaine: Where is Mr. H? Surely, he has something to add. So Corinne is drunk already. She is seriously going the way of Lace. She is too little for all that booze. I just looked up her height on the official website, she’s  5’1″ which is the same height as me. So now you can feel bad about always picking on the fun-size girls. Short girl/tall guy height-difference porn is the best. You may apologize to me now.

Andrée: He conveniently had to go to the gym! Yeah but she only drinks champagne so it’s all good, you can pretty much drink endless champagne! You are forgetting that Nick is short! So I like them together for that reason. You’d laugh, right now on Married at First Sight Australia two of the brides are flipping out because they are both taller than their grooms.

Elaine: Champagne doesn’t come in a shot glass. What do you mean Nick is short? That upsets me. I must now Google. Ha! He is 6’2’’. That is perfect height-differential porn.  You know I enjoy your girl’s antics, but I can see how the Corinne Show is frustrating the girls. It really isn’t doing Nick any favors since Bachelor Nation has its panties in a bunch. Frankly, I don’t see Corinne a villain, I find her amusing. I don’t know why she gets so much fan hate.

Andrée: I know as soon as I said that she got on the tequila, tsk tsk. WOW. Nick is 6’2? I thought he was short. He reads short. She gets fan hate because she is slutty. Which is also precisely why I love her. The problem is that most girls on this show are just here to be filler and they hate that, especially around now when they really begin to realize it.

Elaine: One thing I love about Rachel is she voices her displeasure with Nick in a real way. No pretense or needless drama. She acts like a real girlfriend.

Andrée: She is very real that’s for sure. I can only imagine it’s hard to be in that scenario.

Elaine: Jasmine G. is being honest too, but in a dumb way. Uh, she said she wants to choke Nick but now she’s claiming she meant it in a sexual way. Um. I  think it’s too soon. Choke a man when he puts a ring on it. Do women even choke men? I thought the men did the choking? I honestly only know what I see on Tumblr. Mr. TV Recaps has big hands, I just don’t think it would end well. Random aside, it would be fine for Vanessa. She has a very sturdy neck, does she not? That throat looks pretty durable.

Andrée: Sure women choke men too! An especially good way to get a little leverage is using his tie! I mean I’ve heard. Jasmine G. has totally lost control. She’s clearly an angry drunk.

Elaine: Jasmine G. does not make history. You know why this happened? Because she fooled around in the haunted house on that group date last week. Do not toy with ghosts and fool around with a Ouija board. I tried to tell her, did I not? Mama Cecile and Papa Justify are coming for her. Wait a minute, didn’t the previews show her acting up in front of the other girls? I thought there was footage of her carrying on at the pool. That pisses me off. Seriously. God’s punishing me for violating the 11th commandment. Thou Shalt Not Watch Bachelor Previews.

Andrée: Such superstition! And yes looks like you once again fell victim to the previews. She did get booted but there was no real scene. It’s always weird to see a two-on-one where one of the girls isn’t a total villain. I’m surprised he booted the total smoke show. I’m sure she intimidated Nick. She’ll be a hot ticket on BIP. Off to dinner with Danielle L. then.

Elaine: Wow, Boobs McGee got the boot. I’m sure her boobs will secure her a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. She sealed her fate by telling Nick she’s in love with him.

Andrée: Man, he’s hating the fact that two different girls have said they love him. Chopping two girls in one night. Stone cold.

Elaine: So what do you think about Nick pulling a Mesnick in front of the girls? Telling them that he’s afraid he won’t find love is honest, but it’s like saying: “I’m still iffy on you six.” Jesus, Nick. don’t walk out like that.

Andrée: I don’t like it one bit. He’s basically saying: “I’ll be in my trailer waiting on a blowjob. You gotta work, bitch.”

Elaine: OMG, Andrée! Um, these previews don’t look good for Corinne. Tramping it up and trying to screw away the pain isn’t going to make her America’s sweetheart. But it will make her a legend. If Nick goes along with this, he’ll definitely be dead to Bachelor Nation. Aside from the comedic gold, those two don’t have any chemistry. Last week when she was tattling about Taylor, he looked like he was calming down his little sister.

Andrée: I mean it did make Nick The Bachelor. I guess we’ll find out whether or not that vagine is indeed platinum!

Elaine: Well, that could explain how she “runs” a multi-million dollar business. Custom-tailored platinum vagines. So what do you think?

Andrée: I think I’m loving this season. For all the wrong reasons, I know. Hear me out. Nick is a man whore and a child. So is Corrinne. Corrinne is rich and comes with a full-time maid. Nick and Corinne are both obviously attention whores. They could get married and spend the rest of their life doing photo shoots and bar appearances. And cute Snapchat photos. AHHHH. They are totally meant to be.

Elaine: When you put it that way, it makes sense. I still better get a damn wedding special, though!

Andrée: Oh I’m thinking these two would take it as far as a live birth. For reality junkie purposes this just needs to happen!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.