JoJo arrives in a unicorn mask
Photos courtesy of ABC

Our special contributor and reality-TV expert Andrée H. is back with her The Bachelor analysis and some asides from me. Welcome back, Andrée. Let’s go! — Elaine F.

Happy New Year! It’s Bachelor time, baby! With boring ole Ben as our main man this year we were sure to expect a whole lot of crazy coming out of those limos and boy, we were not let down. From unicorns, to flower heads to twins,  we really saw everything roll into the mansion last night!

The limo parade

Lauren B., 25, flight attendant,  Marina Del Rey, CA
Elaine: The first one out of the limo and the first gift. I usually roll my eyes at the gifts but the wings are cute and he can just stick them in his pocket. We’re off to a good start.
Andrée: I like her, very girl next door. She’s a little boring, just like Ben, they’d be a good match.

Caila, 24, software sales rep, Hudson, OH
Elaine: What’s with the running jump into his arms? Ben is not her boyfriend who just came home from Afghanistan. She’s cute and doesn’t look as generic as most of the girls so I’ll give her a pass.
Andrée: I really liked her until she did that running jump but I guess it worked on Ben.

Jennifer, 25, small business owner, Fort Lauderdale, Fl
Andrée: Ben and Jen makes me think of that photo of Ben Affleck grabbing J-Lo’s  butt on a yacht.

Jami, 23, bartender, St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
Andrée: A Canadian! Unfortunately, she’s friends with Kaitlyn and so full of terrible jokes.
Elaine: Since she’s Canadian, I suppose you’re going to make me root for her.

Samanta, 26, attorney, New Smyrna Beach, Fl.
Elaine: Already bragging about passing the bar exam.
Andrée: Ugh, She reminds me of Andi Dorfman.  Don’t like…next!

Jubilee, 26, war veteran, Fort Lauderdale, Fl.
Elaine: She’s stunning. I see some visible panty line with that dress though. You hardly ever see any ladies of color on this show so I’m not getting attached.
Andrée: She is gorgeous! She’ll at least be here for two weeks but hopefully,  this year will be an exception to the standard Bachelor formula. Pretty terrible pick-up line though.

Amanda, 25, esthetician, Rancho Santa Margarita, CA
Andrée: She sounds like she is talking to a 3-year-old. Or how I talk to my dog. Pretty though.
Elaine: Her voice annoys me. She seems pleasant enough.

Lace, 25, real estate agent, Denver, CO
Elaine: The only time Lace is acceptable is when it’s a stage name. And she’s wearing lace. Lace is wearing lace. Nope.
Andrée: I love this girl for all the wrong reasons. Super distracted by her teeth though, I can’t tell if she has like an overbite or a weird jaw thing, I can’t stop looking at her mouth.

Lauren R., 26, math teacher, Houston, TX
Andrée: Is she high? She’s a stoned stalker!
Elaine: Hmm, telling a man you’ve been cyber-stalking him is an interesting technique.

Leah

Shushanna 27, mathematician, Salt Lake City, Utah
Elaine: To hear this Bachelorette in English, press 1.
Andrée: WTF?

Leah, 25, event planner, Denver, CO
Andrée: For a cheesy entrance, I thought this one wasn’t the worst.
Elaine: She’s really cute so I will forgive her for hiking the football.

Joelle “Jojo,” 24, real estate developer, Dallas, TX
Andrée: Keep the unicorn mask on! It’s a better look for you.

Lauren H., 25, kindergarten teacher, Ann Arbor, MI
Elaine:  How many Laurens are there this season?
Andrée: I’m guessing it will be down to one soon!

Mandi and Ben

Laura, 24, account executive, Louisville, KY
Elaine: Have any redheads gone far on this show? Or do they just go home with the ladies of color?
Andrée: I don’t remember any redheads being major players. I guess maybe Becca though she’s more blonde but looks like she was once a redhead to me. But can we talk about this “Red Velvet” nonsense? Gah.

Mandi, 28, dentist, Portland, OR
Andrée: I’m all for a good fascinator but this is just ridiculous.
Elaine: I see from the ginormous rose on her head that the dentist is filling the role of the “funny” one. Hardy har har.

Emily and Haley 22, twins, Las Vegas, Nevada
Elaine: According to her official bio, the three top things on Emily’s bucket list are: “To be in New York on New Year’s Eve to watch the ball drop and see all the people!” That’s actually just one wish.
Andrée: I just think this is a recipe for disaster. Think about it, what if he falls in love with one of the sisters? You are going to marry into a family where you dated your sister-in-law? I just feel like for someone as awkward as Ben this is too much to put on him.

Maegan, 30, cowgirl, Weatherford, TX
Elaine: She walks like a dude.
Andrée: Drinks beer like one too.

Breanne, 30, nutritional therapist, Seattle WA
Andrée: Not the baguettes! Murderer!
Elaine: Yes, most men fall in love when you start talking about gluten.

Isabel “Izzy, 24, graphic designer, Branford, CT
Andrée: Ew. I’ll don’t think she’ll ever get to be a Twosie.
Elaine: Girl, bye.

Rachel, 23, unemployed, Little Rock, AR
Elaine: It’s more respectable to list “unemployed” as an occupation than “twin.”
Andrée: A hoverboard seems like a bit of a cop-out.

Jessica, 23, accountant, Boca Raton, Fl.
Andrée: That dress is so hideous I choose to pretend she doesn’t exist.
Elaine: You can tell that in her head, they’re already a couple.

Tiara, 26, chicken enthusiast, Redmond WA
Elaine: So, no KFC, then?
Andree: Ha-ha. I guess not! My dog likes to snuggle in between my husband and I when we are sleeping. Can you imagine that happening with a chicken? That would be a deal breaker for me.

Lauren “LB”, fashion buyer, Stillwater, OK
Elaine: Another Lauren?!  Sheesh.
Andrée: Too short, she’ll be gone soon.
Elaine: Um, she’s four inches taller than me.

Jackie, 23, gerontologist, San Francisco, CA
Andrée: A save-the-date? Blech.
Elaine: They are still exiting the limos? How many girls are there?

Olivia, 23, news anchor, Austin, TX
Elaine: Olivia is gorgeous and there’s a spark. She’s beautiful, picked her dress well and stands out from the pack. I think she wins first-impression rose. I also think she’s going to break his heart.
Andrée: I agree. I want her dress. I feel like being a news anchor totally gives her an edge too, she knows how to handle herself in front of cameras.

Cocktail party

Elaine: There’s always gotta be one drunk, one crazy and one bitch. Lace is multitasking. On the other hand, most of the other women aren’t that memorable so she’s keeping things interesting.
Andrée: Why do I love this Lace girl so much? She’s saying everything out loud that I would be thinking in my head. Stop drinking!! I want you to stick around.  

Okay he’s not a god. Let’s be real here.

Elaine: While I am admittedly playing the Bachelor drinking game I  made up,  I can only identify a handful of these women by name: Lace because she’s Lace, and Jubilee, Olivia and Caila.
Andrée: Is it terrible that I only associate girls by the dresses they are wearing until about 3-4 weeks in?

Elaine: Wow, the chicken  girl with the rose on her head is aggressive. She just poached him before he was even done talking.
Andrée: Wait, is it the chicken girl with the rose on her head or the dentist? I am already confusing my weirdos.
Elaine: You are correct. The dentist is the girl with the rose on her head.
Andrée: There needs to be a one wacko max.

Amber, Becca and Chris Harrison

Elaine: Oh, come on! More girls? Okay, we’ve got Becca and the other one. I don’t remember them. You could tell me that they are new girls, and I wouldn’t know the difference. Okay, her name is Amber, but I still don’t recognize her.
Andrée: She just got back from Bachelor in Paradise (where no one wanted her-ha). I wish they would have brought back the crying Kardashian lookalike virgin Barbie. I loved her.
Elaine: Oh, right, the other alleged virgin. I’d like it if Becca had said to Chris. “I finally did it after the show. Bring it!”

Elaine: Which one was on Bachelor in Paradise, Becca or Amber?
Andrée: Amber. She came in wanting the bearded guy, I can’t remember his name. She was from Chris Souels’ season. She is also best friends with Samantha Steffen, psycho bitch from Bachelor in Paradise who was toying with all the guys’ emotions. Ahhh. So good.

Elaine: Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: “The girl with the ginormous rose on her head is talking to the horse at the cocktail party.”

Andrée: If I was ever on the show I would pay someone off to put me in the last limo so I wouldn’t get drunk and act a fool #FirstLimoProblems
Elaine: You are brilliant!
Andrée: That’s why you hired me I assume 😀

Elaine: Oh, God. Some girl is telling Chris about her “morals and values.” Go home.
Andrée: How many glasses of wine have you had? I know Ben’s not the best but he can’t be confused with the farmer that couldn’t speak 😛
Elaine: Oh, right. She’s talking to Bachelor Ben, not Chris Soules. I don’t want to say how many glasses of wine I’ve had. Hic.

Elaine: Called it! Olivia is definitely one of the most beautiful women in the house and I like that she hasn’t styled her hair in that boring straggly style the rest of them sport.
Andrée: And totally modest too. I think you might be right about her heartbreaking ways…next Bachelorette perhaps?

Elaine: Thank goodness it’s rose time. We need to thin the herd. Why is Amber saying she thought everyone was going to hate her? Do they even remember her?
Andrée:I really don’t think anyone does.

Elaine: Wow, he picked the girl with the rose on her head? That has got to sting.
Andrée: You know the producers picked her.

Elaine: Lace? Really? He kept Lace?
Andrée: Yessss Lace. Okay girl lay off the bottle next time.
Elaine: Do you mean me or do you mean Lace?

Andrée: Really she had to keep it going eh? Lace is starting to lose my love rapidly, I love me a good bitch but not a whiny attention-seeker!
Girls with roses: Lauren B., LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, Jojo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, the twins, Shushanna, who hopefully won’t spend all of her time speaking in Russian, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi the dentist with the rose on her head, Lace.

Buh-bye to: Breanne, Jessica, Izzy, Laura aka “Red Velvet,” Lauren R., Maegan, Tiara.

Seems like it’s going to be a pretty exciting season, perhaps even “the most dramatic ever!” With so many stunts pulled in the first episode, who knows what they have in store for the remainder of the show. Hopefully, we’ll soon lose a few Laurens and at least one twin so that we won’t have to stay sober in order to accurately recap. What am I saying, who watches The Bachelor sober? Cheers Ladies!

The Bachelor airs Mondays  at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.