How to Meet Sexy Victor Webster the Abby Way — Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce
Okay, did anyone else get the feeling that Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce was poking fun at all those dopey Real Housewife trips from hell this week? That’s how I’m reading it. Anyway, at least Abby got herself some Victor Webster with a side of Jake. Here’s how she did it!
- Start out in an emotionally vulnerable place. Abby knows it’s unhealthy but she’s obsessed with all the shade thrown at her by that bitch Cleo.
- Go to the kind of place where you might run into Victor Webster. Abby briefly deludes herself into thinking that she can just be mellow and work on her book in Vegas. Of course staying home would be the sensible thing to do, but where’s the Victor Webster in that?
- Get in prime physical condition. Abby attempts to do a cleanse at the worst possible time, but quickly abandons it because cleanses are the work of Satan.
- Forget to eat, then guzzle champagne and tequilla cocktails. Trust us, this is going somewhere.
- Finally remember to eat and grab some pizza. Fact: Victor Webster is drawn to women who eat simple carbs. Paleo will get you nowhere.
- Get hit on by some doofus who is not Victor Webster. Trust us, this is going somewhere.
- Get rescued from the doofus by Victor Webster. It makes him feel helpful.
- Figure out that Victor Webster is playing a paid escort and walk away. Just kidding. Don’t be all judgey about things, stay put.
- Ask Victor Webster thoughtful questions about Victor Webster. He has things to say.
- Make a financial investment in Victor Webster. He has to listen to you talk all night about that Cleo and time is money. It’s cheaper than therapy.
- Take Victor Webster’s sage advice. “Nobody truly interesting is universally liked.” Victor Webster is a prophet.
- Reflect on the fact that you have chemistry with every man on the show. #Wabby and #Jabby are cute nicknames. #VictorWebsterabby is a ludicrous shipper hashtag.
- Say goodbye to Victor Webster. Go home and notice how adorkable it is when Jake turns up at your house with a tuxedo jacket, bare bottom and holding a gourd.
- Congratulate yourself. You spent the night with Victor Webster, Jake is being cute and Little Miss CW might not get renewed.