recapper in the history of TVRD. With no further adieu, take it away! — Elaine F. 

Andrée: So far this group date is a barbecue and playing football. Definitely a guy’s date. Blake is so right about Lucas. He is 100% only here to be on television, and he’s not even trying to hide it.

Elaine: As a rule, when it comes to reality TV, I say celebrities make everything worse, but Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are entertaining me, so they are allowed to visit any time. Much better than Kevin Hart in a CVS hot tub. And no, I’m still not over it.

Andrée: Nor should you be, Elaine. We can and should hold that against the franchise forever! I love these two; this is a pretty great guest spot. They are also making this date way more enjoyable. I am into this ‘Can you be a good dad?’ relay race. In all fairness, Babybjörn is incredibly difficult to figure out how to put on the first time. I’m having a lot of trouble watching Lucas’ act, after watching him act like an entirely different person one year ago on Ex Isle. If you are going to fake a character for TV, maybe keep that same character on all the reality dating shows you go on.

Elaine: Wise words. I salute Ashton Kutcher for refusing to Whaboom with Lucas. Why legitimize it? “Aspiring drummer” Blake E. needs to follow suit and stop focusing on another man’s Whaboom. 

Andrée: I salute Ashton for that, but he loses all those points for allowing this sham of a man to win the competition. I am confused about this whole Blake thing. I don’t remember him from Ex Isle at all. He said that Lucas has been doing the Whaboom thing for three years, but he was certainly not doing that on Ex Isle a year ago. Either way, it’s stupid, and it shouldn’t have gotten either of them a spot on this show. This is a legitimate reality dating show — come on! 

Elaine:  Kenny, the professional wrestler, is smart, mature, funny and cute. I would give him the group date rose. I am not the Bachelorette. “Once you go black” Dean gets the rose and a kiss. I don’t mind him, but I think he’s out of his league. Dean put way too much thought into going for that kiss. I don’t know how he’s going to compete with guys like Bryan with a “y” (aka Mr. First Impression Rose) who know how to take the wheel.

Andrée: Okay, so Kenny would be one of my top picks because I want to like him, but then I remind myself he is a professional wrestler. If you are a pro wrestler working the indy circuit you are broke, broke, broke — I’m assuming things haven’t changed much since I left the indy professional wrestling circuit.

Elaine: Say what now?

Andrée: I want to know what his actual job is. Like maybe he is a lawyer who just likes feeling up men for a hobby. Dean doesn’t have a chance in hell. He lost his chance months ago when he uttered that ridiculous line.

Elaine: Agreed. Rachel is out of Dean’s league. First one-one-one date goes to Peter. He was first one out of the limo, but he didn’t get a lot of airtime at the first cocktail party. Flying under the radar, that one. Rachel is bringing along her dog Copper. You don’t just introduce any rando to your dog: This is serious business. And off to Palm Springs for Barkfest. Hot guy + dogs. Obviously, I love this date. Peter gets the first obligatory fireworks of the season.

Andrée: Aww! Her doggie has a cast! Poor little baby! This date is basically my heaven. I want to take my dog on an epic Bachelor date. He totally deserves it. Peter has a totally unfair advantage over the other guys, because seeing a guy interact with your precious baby dog like that is definitely tugs at the heartstrings. Rachel has big-time feelings for this guy. I feel like she’s ready to end the show this second.

Elaine: I’d be down with that. Move on to the wedding special and mocha, gap-toothed babies. Group Date No. 2. Now we get to find out who has a secret girlfriend. Well, one of the girls warned Rachel that DeMario is shady and he’s been getting the cocky edit since the get-go so we all can see where this is going. Obvious much, Bachelorette?

Andrée: I am excited for this girlfriend! Lucas is too canned and showy; it’s not real entertainment. Angry ex/current girlfriends? Now that is entertainment. Bring it on! Nope, no entertainment for us, now they are going to play a basketball game in front of a packed house. I am hoping it’s packed with this ex-girlfriend. “Women in general, you know, they love watching their man play basketball” – DeMario. “Incorrect. Women in general, like dating men that aren’t dating other women.” – Andrée.

Elaine: LOL! Here we go! Lexi is here to bust DeMario. She dressed up for the occasion, huh? This is the one and only time she’s going to be on national television, you’d think she would have stepped up her game. I mean for God’s sake, she’s got a scrunchie around her wrist. Rachel is literally calling him out, and DeMario thinks he’s getting a rose.

Andrée: Personally, I would be looking fly as hell if my boyfriend left me to go on The Bachelorette and I went on there to expose him. Aha, DeMario, not today. The look on his face when he turned the corner. Of course, his line is “She’s crazy.” You can tell she is crazy, but I think she’s telling the truth.

Elaine: DeMario is talking as fast as he can. Rachel’s a lawyer, this deflection and doubletalk are not going to fly. Fearless prediction: DeMario may be the rare early castoff to make it to Bachelor in Paradise. They can always use another douche. I love that Rachel just dismissed him with a GTFOH. She is seriously pissed, and Chris Harrison can barely contain his glee. I notice that he is giving her a wide berth though. I guess he doesn’t want Rachel to bite his head off. Her badass response only strengthens my lady crush. I feel like the typical Bachelorette would be sniveling, you know?

Andrée: She’s reminding me so much of Judge Judy right now. Get the fuck out she says. Wooo! Chris Harrison is not trying to be the one to calm her down!

Elaine: This is like a golden ticket to the other guys on the group date. Now all they have to do is trip all over each other trying to be the most comforting. Josiah does the best job. I want him to get the group date rose. And he does. Yay! I’m glad Rachel and I see eye-to-eye on this. But the previews promised more drama, and we don’t have that much time left.

Andrée: I phased out for the rest of this date. The drama was entertaining but far too short lived.

Elaine: Here we go. DeMario is lurking outside the mansion so that he can further beclown himself. And of course, the episode leaves us hanging. I love the drama of all the guys banding together to confront him because “he lied to all of us.” Eye-roll. Seriously, I want this to culminate with a physical altercation. Nothing that will get any of them thrown off but at least lots of posturing and some shoving. Maybe a Whaboom to the chest. Let’s just whip ‘em out and put them on the table, boys. 

Andrée: Oh yay, more drama I can’t wait! Whaaa…to be continued? Assholes. It’s pissing me off that the show is giving this Whaboom shit so much airtime. Stick a fork in this shit. Jesus.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC

 Oh, my goodness, enough with the promo crap. I want to see the men. Bring me the men! 

Elaine: You are correct about my love for Miss Rachel Lindsay. I am here for Rachel. And only Rachel. Restraining order be damned.

Andrée: Starting hot with a dedicated father, good job Bachelorette. Directly followed by a guy who lost his Mom to cancer, they are starting out with the heartstrings.

Elaine: Yeah, that’s heartbreaking but you know some other contestant is gonna go in there and say they lost their entire village in a drone attack or something. There’s a lot of competitiveness when it comes to tragedy.

Andrée: The Rubik’s Cube guy does not look like a beefhead.

Elaine: The Rubik’s Cube is still a thing? You should’ve solved that one in 1980, son. Oh, wait. He’s hot. He said he likes to code. Brains are sexy. I’m going to ignore the iffy hairstyle and give Alex my first impression rose.

Andrée: Meh, I don’t like the startup guy, too plain and I don’t see Rachel wanting to incorporate a ton of Bollywood dancing into her life.

Elaine: Yeah, no. Goodbye to Bollywood. Oh, God. I just read Alex’s official bio. He lists selfishness as one of his flaws. That’s an insurmountable red flag. Also, he likes Coldplay. Dammit, Alex. Didn’t we almost have it all?

Andrée: Lucas is a nut job. He needs to get cut on the first night. Otherwise, we will be stuck with him on Bachelor in Paradise for the rest of our lives.

Elaine: I don’t really understand this whole “Whaboom” catchphrase. I’d say stop trying to make fetch happen but you know this jackass is going to end up being a whabillionaire.

Andrée: Okay, if a guy goes on this much about how great he is at sex, you know he’s a dead lay.

Elaine: Sorry, Blake E. You have failed to impress Andrée. Please say your goodbyes and leave.

Andrée: I was on the phone and missed the last two guys but they looked cute and I’m not rewinding. Okay, I got off the phone just in time to hear a guy talk about getting arrested. But now he is a lawyer so hey, good on him. Aww, “I’m coming to LA to make her my wife.” That was kind of sweet.

Elaine: That is Josiah. You missed Josiah’s soul-crushing backstory. His brother hung himself and Josiah had to cut the body down from the tree. I get the vibe this one’s going to be around for a while so I’ve done the unthinkable and learned his name.

Andrée: OMG, I’m glad I missed that, to be honest. Corrine!!! Be still my beating heart!

Elaine: Aww, I’m so happy for you. Rachel obviously loves Corinne as much as we do so take a seat, haters. I don’t remember any of these other bitches.

Andrée: I actually don’t remember any of the other girls LOL, I don’t even remember who won. I love Rachel’s dress. Definitely gets my stamp of approval. I find the men’s limo entrances pretty boring. Without being about to judge all the competitors’ dresses it’s hard to stay focused.

Elaine: Right? Without dresses, how can we pass shallow judgment? Peter, first one out of the limo, is cute. Lots of bow ties. Welcome, Nation of Islam. One of these bros better offer Rachel a bean pie.

Andrée: No. No. And then this Urkel dude comes out. Blech, I would have cut him on the spot. Diggy would get cut too. No bad jokes allowed.

Elaine: Urkel Guy is cute, too bad he wasted all that on a tragically unfunny gag. His name is Will. I’m only bothering to remember it because he’s good-looking.

Andrée: So far this is a big mix of men from every background, I like that. I already forgot all the guys we met before, I am glad they stuck them all in one limo so that I can be reminded!

Elaine: Oh, right. There was a teaser intro “After The Final Rose.” I only remember some jackass with the “once you go black, you never go back” line right out of the starting gate. Oh, and here he is. His name is Dean. His choice in ties is as unfortunate as his lines.

Andrée: A marching band, I would say that’s definitely an entrance. Wait, does it say he is an aspiring drummer? His job is aspiring drummer? I can’t move past this.

Elaine: Yes, but if a man tried to woo me with a marching band, I’d overlook that dodgy “job” description. That’s Blake E., right? Isn’t he the one who was talking about how big his drumstick is in the beginning? I’m already confused.

Andrée: Ewww, the yearbook guy is mad creepy. How did he pass the screening?

Elaine: That’s Fred. I believe his yearbook quote was: “It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.” She was his camp counselor. Disturbing.

Andrée: OMG Tickle Monster is now a job title. Someone was drinking a little too much champagne when editing this episode.

Elaine: How come we can’t get jobs like that? Do you think “Bitchy Drinker” could be a title?

Andrée: I think it fits our jobs to a tee! I hate these gimmicks. I don’t understand the clean-up crew guy. I’m already getting angry. I need to stop drinking this latte and start drinking bubbles so I can get in the right headspace to deal with men who dress up as penguins as their courting ritual.

Elaine: Latte? What is the matter with you? Copious amounts of alcohol are required for this “job.”

Andrée: I guess I thought for some strange reason I could do it sober. Oh, how wrong I was. There are a lot of hot guys this year though, I am enjoying that.

Elaine: True. But after the Alex heartbreak, I’m not ready to commit. Oh, FFS. This Adam person just showed up with a doll that looks like him. This is some kind of American Girl hellscape.

Andrée: Of course just as I say that, Lucas the nutbird arrives. The second he did the Whaboom he’d be back in that limo. Send it away.

Elaine: It’s like Gallagher smashing watermelons. I don’t get it but obviously, someone finds him amusing. Forced to choose, I’d go with the doll.

Andrée: Lucas looks so familiar to me – had to get on Google and figure it out. He was on a reality show last year called Ex Isle. He was actually the most normal guy on that entire show, so clearly, the Whaboom thing is an act he came up with over the last year to try to up his reality game.  Now we are building sandcastles in designer gowns, how lovely.

Elaine: I don’t like the idea of building a tabletop sandcastle with the “once you go black” jackass. I’ve warmed up to the creepy doll. It speaks French.

Andrée: Oooooh, I love the fur stole.

Elaine: So glam. I love all the testosterone-fueled competitiveness. I hope there is a lot of that this year. I want to see them hopped up on ‘roids and Red Bull so there’s lots of drama and physical altercations. There it is, Blake E. and his drumstick hate Whaboom. Listen up, America; the Bachelor and Bachelorette are contractually required to pick a weirdo. It happens every season. Whaboom is going to be that weirdo. Rachel will have to pick him. I’m telling you right now so you don’t get all whipped up when he gets that rose.

Andrée: Yeah this is basically just like watching a dick-swinging competition. Whaaboom will probably make it through three or four episodes! Unfortunately probably also Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, there is a Bryan with a “y,” my hubby would be voting for him for sure!

Elaine: I like that he’s attempting to charm her with Spanish. I see Bryan and the doll butting heads.

Andrée: Whoa! He went in for an aggressive kiss. And that aggressive kiss won him the first impression rose!

Elaine: To accept this rose in English, press 1. Poor Bollywood is incredibly drunk and making a fool out of himself. I feel bad for him. Oh, wait. I’m me. I don’t feel bad at all. Rose ceremony time!

Andrée: Dance, drunken fool. Dance! Entertain us for your short time here in the mansion.

Elaine:  I’m so here for this! My crystal ball isn’t telling me too much right now, but I’m sure Josiah is going to be in it to win it. What are your early predictions for the season?

Andrée: Bryan got the first impression rose so we are going to have to toss him in the ring. I have to think she is going to pick a wimpy, nerdy looking white guy (assuming Nick is her taste) but I kind of think if not, Kenny the wrestler seems like a real sweetheart. My best prediction? Fred locks all the guys in a room, lights it on fire, ties up Rachel and steals her away to be his camp counselor for the rest of her life.

Roses: Bryan, Peter (first out of the limo), Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex (Selfish Coldplay fan), Kenny (Cute wrestler), Dean (‘Once You Go Black’ Guy), Matt (Penguin), Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred (Yearbook Guy), Adam (But not his doll), Blake E. (The man with the impressive penis, if you ask him), Lucas (Whaboom).

Sent Packing: Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, Milton (who shed tears over not getting to show off his outfits) and Mohit (Bollywood boozer).

All in I feel like that was a pretty good start to what will hopefully be an awesome season!! Let the dick-wagging continue!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC

Excitement! The Bachelorette premieres tonight at 9 ET on ABC and Rachel Lindsay is the one doling out the roses. To fully enjoy the show, you need a primer by going back to all of  The Bachelor recaps from Nick’s season. Spoiler: There were only two women worth watching on the season: classy Rachel and sassy Corinne. Total opposites, but loveable in their own way. (Yeah, yeah, you hated Corinne. But we don’t so there!) In any case, they both lucked out. Rachel is now franchise royalty and will inevitably reach the most important Bachelor Nation goal, a slot on Dancing With The Stars. Corinne will go on to be the new Bachelor in Paradise bad girl because the crying “virgin” girl and that other one who is clearly a functioning alcoholic (It would be mean to name her ) are over the hill. So take a stroll down memory lane with Andrėe H.’s recaps and then tune in. Here’s what happened when last we met. — Elaine F.

Spoiler: Nick picked a bore. We’ll never hear from her again.

Elaine: I hope this “big surprise” at the finale isn’t Nick finally telling Raven he loves her or some other lame device. Of course, he’s going with the nag, so the question is moot.

Rose Marie: Oh God, another Bachelor surprise, the “this has never happened before” carrot. They do something like this every show and it’s always so lame.  Where is my wine????

Andrée: Things that would be awesome: Nick dumping whoever it is on stage for Corinne. Nick not proposing when he is supposed to at the end, but instead doing it live, Nick and whoever announcing they are pregnant and having a shotgun wedding, some drunk nobody that thought Nick was the love of her life springs onto the stage, tackles Nick and starts biting him. Things that will probably actually happen: Nick will sneeze three times in a row, more than one girl will decide they are going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, we will find out that some past couple is now grandparents.

Elaine: The most hyperbole thing in our Bachelor recaps ever happened! Andrée’s mom is in da house! The legendary woman who fended off a wild pig attack at the beach! The legendary woman who gave us Andrée. Honestly, this is the only thing keeping me off suicide watch tonight.

Andrée: You have to love Facebook comments! Bringing the bloggers together! Chris Harrison is making Nick sound so pathetic right now. Stop using the phrase “so desperately seeking” when referring to Nick trying to find a match. So this is where Santa lives eh? Is it the North Pole? I am confused; they didn’t explain that to my satisfaction. YAY! Nick’s family! The initial reason I started to like Nick!

Rose Marie: Santa lives in the North Pole, honey. His Reindeer spend time in Finland outside the Christmas Season. Santa goes there to visit them throughout the year.

Elaine: God, Vanessa is boring. Honestly, I wish bitchy Taylor had made it to the final two. Vanessa is too dull to hate-watch. As for poor Raven, there is no point watching any of her scenes. She’ll never be heard from again.

Andrée: Nick’s family is definitely being reserved this time around. They are asking all of the tough questions. It’s breaking my heart seeing his mom again. They were so convinced about Nick and Kaitlyn. Mr. H is just in complete disbelief that Nick dumped Corinne for the hick and some other girl he doesn’t remember at all.

Rose Marie: I thought Raven was handling herself pretty well. Saying the right things and scoring some parent points. She is sickeningly sweet though. Sort of like when you eat the whole batch of chocolate chip cookies!  Vanessa, just stick a needle in my eye and get it over with.  Gosh, I am not a fan. I feel like a traitor, should be supporting the Canadian girl but I just can’t.

Elaine: Vanessa is an insult to Canada. I mean, she’s no you, and she’s no Andrée and she’s no Justin Trudeau.

Rose Marie: I support exporting her to the USA, you can have her!

Elaine: WTF is Vanessa crying about? She just met Nick’s family, and she’s turning on the waterworks. It’s only 8:30 and I’ve already refilled my wine glass.

Andrée: This is f—ng painful. I hate her so much. She’s telling Nick’s mom she’s not ready to be engaged. Good. Be gone. Mr. H says if this is one of the chapters in her book, that’s a really boring book. They are now really making it look like the hick is going to win so maybe I change my vote. Vanessa is turning on the waterworks again. What a con artist. Ok, I hope the dramatic surprise is Corinne in a trenchcoat with a can of whipped cream, just saying.

Rose Marie: I like Nick’s Father. You always go for the girls with a strong personality.  How’s that worked for you son? Make a different choice this time dumbass.

Andrée: His father is giving him great advice, choose different women. Of course, he isn’t going to follow his dad’s advice and end up with an asshole no doubt.

Elaine: Two things about the on-camera Bachelor Nation audience. I feel bad for the man who is there. If he’s straight, the woman in his life should not drag him to this thing. It’s not like he even gets to see Corinne and her bouncy house bikini. Also, there is a bald woman. I don’t think it’s a fashion statement. I find myself concerned about her health. Chris Harrison gave her a hug so now; I have to do a #Thoughtsandprayers hashtag

Rose Marie: I missed all that…how did I miss that?  I blame it on Andrée she was sending me messages and distracting me!  My husband would divorce me if I tried to make him go to something like this.

Andrée: I missed all that too, but I was popping another bottle of champagne, so it’s not my fault. Oh, look, It’s a turd in a toque! Blech, I’m starting to get Andi-level hatred for Vanessa. Mr. H wants to know why Nick is at the Arctic Circle with no hat.

Elaine: That’s intense hatred. Andi Dorfman is high on the hate-watch index. Sometimes Mr. H and Mr. TV Recaps weigh in to mock the show or ogle Corinne, but dragging a husband to live show is a bit much. I refuse to acknowledge Santa. Not that I don’t love St. Nick as next as the next consumer, but this is not the time. And I don’t want them cheapening Santa.

Rose Marie: Why torture Santa, that’s unfair to him. OMG, she is crying again? More questioning…give me a break, why did you come on this show, Vanessa?  It’s all about falling in love in a short period of time and getting engaged at the end…

Andrée: Mr. H hopes Nick marries Santa Claus and wants to know if they have gay marriage in Finland. Santa’s loaded, he’s popular, he’s an executive with the best logistics in the world, he’s a catch. Hearing Vanessa compare her relationship to believing in Santa Claus makes me want to slit my throat.

Elaine: Nick said “I feel very strongly for you.” Or he said “sfgm fmal mgh.” Either way, it’s not as good as an “I love you.” Vanessa is pretending to be worried that he might “sfgm fmal mgh” for Raven too. As if.

Elaine: I was just telling Mr. TV Recaps that I’m on suicide watch now because I’m bored. And he said, “Is this the last one? Glory Hallelujah!”

Rose Marie: I think Vanessa might be on suicide watch after that little convo. Cry all you want, girl; he isn’t going to say I love you at this point. Try a new tactic.  I’m still torn about who he is going to choose. I’m not ready to count Raven out just yet.

Andrée: I don’t know, they are going out of their way to make it look like Vanessa is getting dumped, so I feel like it’s definitely going to be Vanessa and the big suspense will be whether or not she actually says yes. The show has been alluding to him getting potentially left at the altar all season. Let’s be frank; Raven would not be leaving him high and dry on his knees with a shiny ring. There is only one hardened bitch in this finale.

Elaine: I would love it if he picked Raven because it would be unexpected. I like that.

Rose Marie: Oh Mr. Andrée’s Dad just got home.  I’ll get him to bring me more wine from the fridge downstairs!!  I am much happier now!

Andrée: Wine is necessary in this situation. It’s the only thing that makes this show palatable. I am gutted that this date with Vanessa isn’t over yet. I can’t possibly listen to any more of his bullshit and any more of her being annoyed.

Elaine: I have to look up Raven’s height. She looks short, which is a bonus. Actually, she looks like a cute little doll. The problem with Nick is, he looks so genuine with each of them. That’s why he’s got at last seven Bachelor Nation notches on the bedpost.

Rose Marie: Her bio says she is 5’ 6”.  Hey, Andrée isn’t that the height you claimed to be when you tried to get that modeling gig in Halifax!!

Andrée: Wow, Mom you don’t even know my height. Tsk Tsk. I’m 5’6” and a half,  thank you and I claimed to be 5’8” :p Oh, wow. Mr. H just said, and I quote: “Wow, I escaped poverty to not have to marry a chick like this, and this guy is competing to get to marry her.”

Rose Marie: Remembering your height is the least of the things I need to clutter my brain with.

Andrée: I’m deeply hurt.

Rose Marie: Have a drink of champagne and get over it.

Elaine: Oh, that’s statuesque. I lied on a medical question the other day. I pretended to be 5’1” I added a quarter of an inch. I rounded up. Wait, what the hell are they sitting on? That better not be a dead reindeer. Dogs!!! There are dogs on this date! That makes this a great date. Ice skating and dogs. This is my second favorite date this season. Can’t beat my girl Rachel and the second line in New Orleans.

Rose Marie: Let’s just go with fake animal pelt. Making out on the ice, sitting on fake animal pelts by a fire and puppies. What else could you ask for?  You know my hubby plays Sousaphone in a second line band in Halifax!

Andrée: I would ask for everything in the world but this date. All I see is cold and wet and misery. Raven is just 100% convinced she’s getting proposed to tomorrow.

Rose Marie: You’ve never been a fan of anything that takes place in the cold, or rain, or fog, or wind.  OK, let’s face it, you only like sun as long as there are no bugs.

Elaine: I want to get back to Mr. Andrée’s father and the second line. That’s amazing. I will put on my parka and join the parade.

Rose Marie: In fact, I think they played a few songs at Andrée and Mr. H’s wedding at some point during the night.  But I digress…

Elaine: That was my second favorite wedding in the whole world. Well, I have to include my sister-in-law so it’s in the top three. Nick just said the sweetest thing to Raven, “Umgh ljem hermsip.”

Andrée: I have to say it was totally my favorite wedding ever!

Rose Marie: It was pretty special. It scares me that I am starting to understand most of his mumbling.

Elaine: It scares me that I think Nick is kind of hot. It’s the rakish smile. He’s definitely no Mr. TV Recaps who is a dreamboat. And he’s not Justin Trudeau who is my pretend boyfriend.

Rose Marie: I almost spit out my wine!! LOL! Ahhh, little Raven is so sweet and sincere.

Elaine: She is. I’m so fickle. I like her now. If he breaks her heart, I hope she ends up finding love on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m way too invested.

Andrée: I love Nick but Raven doesn’t do it for me. Although if it was Corinne, they probably wouldn’t be sitting in Finland right now. They’d be on a yacht, and she’d be half naked, and I would be happy instead of contemplating suicide. Mr. H is now texting Mr. TV Recaps attempting to escape this finale. Apparently, a blizzard isn’t quite enough to keep Mr. H on the couch watching this crap.

Elaine: I saw that text. It was a cry for help.

Rose Marie: Nick should pick Raven. He would always be the best person she has ever had sex with!  What more does he want? It’s a lifetime of studliness.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it Andi!!

Elaine: That is a brilliant point. I think Raven may have fibbed a little about that, but if it makes Nick feel good and thwarts Andi, I’m all for it.

Rose Marie: Exactly. What a great move on her part!  She may have a little bit of schemer under all that sweet.

Andrée: It’s the right thing to do, she would never leave him. Nick’s not one for making good choices though unfortunately.

Elaine: I had a salient point to make it, but the wine made me forget. Oh, wait, I remember. I should know better, but Chris Harrison is making me believe that hyperbole will happen tonight. It’s like Charlie Brown and the football. And besides, the best After the Final Rose will always be Jason Mesnick dumping Melissa and telling Molly he loved her. I loved Molly too. The only way Nick tops that is if he announces that he’s now a polygamist and will marry both girls and move to Utah.

Rose Marie: I loved Jason and was so happy when he dumped Melissa.  Molly was obviously the best choice.  That was a dramatic moment for sure! Nick couldn’t handle two women. You can only mumble around so much.

Andrée: I didn’t watch that season, I feel like I missed out. Mr. H pointed out that the chick with the bald head may in fact just be a lesbian as she is sitting next to another chick with a half shaved head with short purple hair. He also observed that Nick’s real problem is he has horrible taste in women. I have to agree.

Rose Marie: OMG really, you missed that!!  You def have deprived yourself.

Elaine: I did notice who the bald lady was sitting next to and it makes me think Mr. H is correct. Dear God, is this episode still going on? I’m feeling bad for Raven now. I suspect I’m going to see her dress first. I’d like to take a moment to praise Chateau St. John Chardonnay. It’s the perfect white for a summer night. The warm vanilla and brown spice aroma is as comforting as hot cocoa. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.

Rose Marie: Why did they choose a location that’s bitter cold?  You can’t even see the dresses.

Elaine: It adds to the ladies masochism. Oh, dear. I just saw an ad for Nick on The Dancing with the Stars ad. The sexy meter is dipping.

Rose Marie: Please tell me you are kidding.  Thank goodness I don’t watch that show.  I just saw it too….garçon, garçon I need more wine!!

Elaine: I don’t watch it either. Surprisingly, I have limits.

Andrée: Even I have that limit! Mental note, Raven’s dress is long and grey with a long black coat, and then in the other corner, we have Vanessa in all black. Mr. H says if we are going off how these two look entering the limo, Vanessa for the win. Limo door is opening, and what do we see – ouch, it’s grey. Fairy tale over, Raven.

Rose Marie: Ahhh mannnn!!  I think I knew she was too sweet for it to work.  But I didn’t want to admit it.  I worry about her being eaten alive in Paradise though.

Elaine: Yeah, but she could be the one sweet girl to make it. I’d like to take a moment to praise Popyeyes drive-thru. The authentic Louisiana seasonings transport you to New Orleans. TVRD welcomes your ad dollars.

Andrée: I’m currently praying to the Bachelor gods that Raven does not go to Bachelor in Paradise. What Raven needs now, and I’ve said this before is a Hitachi Magic Wand. Settle in with The Notebook; some Ben and Jerry’s and your new magic wand and discover what controlling your own orgasms are like, it will totally soothe your pain. Ad dollars or freebies welcome

Rose Marie: Oh gosh, stop talking Raven…look at his face…this is not a good sign for you. I’ve never had Popeyes. I’m drinking Mr. Andrée’s Dad’s homemade wine.

Elaine: The second line and the homemade wine?! He is my second favorite husband. Well, I have to include my new brother-in-law, so top three.

Rose Marie: And the boat, don’t forget that!!

Elaine: Sorry new brother-in-law, you just dropped down. I mean, I did spend a lot of time down below, the water was choppy. Next time, I’ll man up.

Rose Marie: LOL It’s even better now we have a fridge so cold beer and wine.  And we just bought an ice maker to bring on board this summer!! But back to the show…bye Raven, sorry you just had your heart ripped to shreds.

Elaine: Do you have a unicorn? I think you need a unicorn. Raven, you will be better in the long run. Go have orgasms with someone else now. You can do it. At least she’ll be a star in Hoxie. Pop. 8.

Rose Marie: Yes Raven, never settle for a man that doesn’t satisfy you sexually.  It isn’t all about them!!  

Andrée: She’s a country girl, she’s going to settle. Buy a Hitachi Raven you can thank me later.

Elaine: I feel like Nick’s tears are playing me. Different time, different place and it would be up to 8 notches, young man.

Andrée: I’m pretty angry, I haven’t cried once. Usually, I cry even if I can’t stand the girl. I have no emotions watching this girl get her heart broken.

Rose Marie:  Your heart is cold as ice!! Okay, now we have to watch him propose to Vanessa.  Sigh……

Elaine: The suspense isn’t killing me.

Andrée: There isn’t even a lake she could potentially trip and fall into for our entertainment. I actually feel like her dress looked better with the little jacket.

Rose Marie: Oh, did we just get a hint from Chris that the big historic moment has something to do with Rachel??

Andrée: This big surprise better not be the show giving itself another pat on the back for having a black Bachelorette.

Elaine: I heard that too, but I thought it was just the Chateau St. John talking. How can that be the surprise? We already know she’s The Bachelorette. And agreed with the show’s self-congratulatory attitude. The Bachelor producers think they get the award for finally doing something they should have done before. What do you think the surprise is?

Rose Marie: Not sure, maybe meet some of the potential bachelors??

Elaine: This is a very emotional proposal. I wish I cared more. I should be secretly crying because I’m too invested. But I’m not crying. I’m just reaching for another delicious drumstick from Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen.

Andrée: No tears here. Just a complete lack of emotion and interest. Nothing like telling a guy you are crazy and emotional leading up to his proposal.

Rose Marie: Have a big drink of wine that’ll bring tears to your eyes!!  

Elaine: Done and done. I may regret this in the morning, but it’s not the morning. Live in the moment.

Rose Marie: That’s my motto.  Well, isn’t this great, the USA gets a new citizen!!

Andrée: Her family was pretty adamant that he move to Canada so we shall see.

Elaine: If she had a brain in her head, she’d be staying up there with Justin Trudeau. I’ll take her place. Then I can go from cyberstalking JT to actual stalking. Dreamy sigh.

Rose Marie: The most shocking dramatic moment in Bachelor history ever!!!!!! Chris needs new writers.

Elaine: Really? Truly? Maybe Chris Harrison is telling me the truth this time.  I literally have four chicken bones and an empty bottle of wine in front of me.

Rose Marie: I just have an empty wine glass, not sure how I ended up in this predicament.

Andrée: It’s for Rachel eh, I’m hoping it’s a man covered in sushi. Or Corinne popping out of a cake.

Elaine: I need another bottle and I need to find out where my dog went. He may be trying to make scientific history with a cat. Long story.

Rose Marie: I don’t even want to ask. Bachelor in Paradise!!!!!!!! Yes Raven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elaine: Good for Raven. May you find love or at least a second orgasm in Paradise. Oh, my Rachel is coming up. She’s so pretty. Yes, Rachel, yes! Represent!

Andrée: Booo, Raven will be the new annoying chick on BIP I guess since Carly shacked up with that freako Evan. This damn surprise better not be that she will have the most amount of men ever to choose from because that always gets confusing.

Rose Marie: No she won’t, we’ll like Raven in Paradise.  I’m sure she can have lots of orgasms in paradise if she wants!!  Good girl gone bad.  Wait is that a different show or movie??? I love Rachel!!

Elaine: I love her almost as much as I love Salmon Creek Cabernet Sauvignon and Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds. Your ad dollars are welcome.

Rose Marie: Well that’s saying something!

Elaine: The Southern Recipe Original Pork Rinds have distracted the dog. So we won’t have any cuppies. Those are cat puppies.

Rose Marie: I’m glad you explained that!

Andrée: You might want to put down that bottle if visions of cuppies are running through your head, Elaine.

Elaine: It’s gonna be funny when Mr. TV Recaps finally returns to the room and finds me passed out surrounded by chicken bones, pork rinds and an empty bottle of wine. Vanessa’s yammering makes me peckish. Side note: It’s not even my cat. Long story.

Rose Marie: I expect Mr. TV Recaps will handle it!  Vanessa is just such a yadayada. Nick has chosen a life of being nagged, oh what fun.

Andrée: Yeah big surprise, her first comment is how some days are hard. Stupid bitch. Did she just say she’s never watched a season? Well, stupid is as stupid does.

Elaine: Vanessa is not as fun as The Tastiest Crunch in the South. I honestly am so bored with her that I’m considering letting the dog go to the fantasy suite with the cat.

Andrée: PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE. STEP AWAY FROM THE PETS.

Rose Marie: A toothache is more fun than Vanessa.  I have absolutely no comeback for the dog/cat fantasy suite. Good thing my wine is gone, I’d be spitting it out again. Are we at the surprise yet?  No…damn.

Elaine: Are you there, God? It’s us, TVRD. Please let something interesting happen. Or I’ll keep writing about pork rinds.

Andrée: What a surprise the naggy bitch turned out to be a naggy bitch. Nick hasn’t even come out yet and I can already tell they are done. I’m also excited about the future. The future in which we never have to see you again, Vanessa. Ouch, they even had a shitty kiss! The only time Vanessa sounded passionate is when she talked about her ring.

Rose Marie: There is no saving us, they are still talking about how they fight. I am feeling so optimistic for their future, NOT!

Elaine: The thing about pork rinds is that they have 0 grams of carbs. And there are only 10 calories per pork rind.

Rose Marie: Mr. Andree’s Dad has brought them home before, and they were not bad.

Elaine: I want an endorsement deal. And not Cuppies.

Rose Marie: Hahaha, Vanessa is going to move to the USA.  I wonder if Trumpkin will let her in?

Elaine: She’s bound to be detained. You know, it’s my sister-in-law’s cat. I bet I’d make a pretty penny if this Cuppie thing happened. Dear God, please let’s just get on to Rachel.

Rose Marie: Cuppies…it’s a catchy phrase.  I have to be careful here, I don’t want to be seen as encouraging your ideas!!  So Rachel has no idea what is about to happen. Chris is baiting us.

Elaine: I don’t want to be seen as encouraging the dog’s ideas. I think he doesn’t really understand consent.

Andrée: Mr. TV Recaps, YOU ARE NEEDED! #savethecat #getthatdogaplushtoy

Rose Marie: I almost fell off the couch laughing at that one , Andrée. Just remember a drunk yes is a no!!

Elaine: Heh, I’ll tell him. Rachel is so pretty. A drunk Elaine is bi.

Rose Marie: Thank heavens Nick and Vanessa are gone. Wow, Rachel looks amazing!!  The girls are out and everything!!

Andrée: Definitely Mrs and Mr. H approved. Aww, I just remembered we don’t get BIP right away first we do The Bachelorette.

Elaine: That’s right, girl. Push ‘em up and flaunt ‘em. That’s how I nabbed Mr. TV Recaps.

Rose Marie: My best friend always says, “Boobs rule the world”.

Elaine: She is correct. And let’s not forget an eye-catching posterior.

Rose Marie: Or a platinum vagine.

Elaine: Ding, ding, ding! That is the most important. I’m dating Justin Trudeau and Rachel, yet, I don’t understand the whole surprise factor. Wait, whaaaaa? The hell? Did Chris just say The Bachelorette starts right now? Damn it, the wine and pork rinds have me so confused.

Andrée: If and only if you are actually able to show off the platinum vagine! 

Rose Marie: Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…this was an epic surprise.  However, I guessed it earlier tonight!!!  Just sayin’…do I get a prize?

Andrée: Your prize is you got to see the beginning of The Bachelorette already. Woo freaking hoo.

Elaine: I’m still so confused. Chris Harrison said she’d meet her first guy. Is he her first guy? What is happening?

Rose Marie: You have had too much wine!!  He is introducing her to the first guy after the commercial break!!  

Andrée: What did these guys do to get the preferential treatment? Twitter is blowing up right now.

Elaine: It’s not too much wine, it’s product placement. I hope the first guy is cute.

Rose Marie: I stand corrected. This is fun, makes everything that came before this worth it.

Andrée: Shows up with tickets to Vegas and a ring. Sold!

Elaine: Oooh, look at that. Nation of Islam in da house. Nice bowtie, cutie. Second guy, meh.

Rose Marie: First guy is cute. Second guy nope. Bye bye Blake, let’s not waste our time.

Andrée: Eww. Pass on Blake. He is painful. I hate him already.

Elaine: So, Chris Harrison didn’t lie for once. This third one is kinda cute. Okay, the racial quip with the whole “Once you go black” thing is grounds for dismissal. Too soon, white guy, too soon. You gotta wait before you start with that.

Rose Marie: Ohhh, damn he went there. My jaw dropped a bit.

Andrée: He’s def getting the boot. He got no air time, she’s like “See ya.”

Elaine: Once Mr. Justin Trudeau goes black, he won’t go back to Canada. Fourth guy. Meh. Well, the goofy dance made me love him a little bit. I’m so fickle.

Rose Marie: I think he might be fun. I like the dance.  Mr. JT is attractive but you know he is not a charismatic as his Father was.  His Father wasn’t good looking, but had every woman in Canada in love with him.

Andrée: He sucks. Hate him. Hate everything about him. No goofy dance will make up for that terrible intro. I only like 1 out of the 4

Elaine: I did not know that. Well, JT has one woman here who loves him. The show is over already. Thanks for making it the best recap in Bachelor history!!!

Rose Marie: It was my pleasure, I’m happy to have participated in the drama!!  Now we wait until May for the fun to begin!!

Andrée: That was pretty good. I don’t know if it was to the level of any of my guesses, but it’s better than I expected. I hate to have to sit through another Bachelorette before we get to the show I love, but I will spend my time happily shopping for Corinne’s husband for Bachelor in Paradise and tweeting her about it. May 22 will be the start of Rachel’s season, then Bachelor in Paradise!!!! I tip my glass to you ladies and look forward to continuing our rants; I mean recaps in May!

At long last, we are at the end of JoJo’s time as The Bachelorette. There is no way TVRD could have gotten through this mess without the intrepid Andrée H., our special contributor and Bachelorette philosopher. This is obviously “the most shocking season finale ever” so let’s go! — Elaine F.

Elaine: Okay, we have a two-hour episode which could probably be told in 45 minutes. I’ve been looking forward to seeing JoJo’s overprotective brothers. I hope things get heated.

Andrée: I predict the brothers are going to fall flat and screw us over. Normally, this one is the most boring episodes of the season.

Elaine: You know all those times when JoJo seemed like a double-talking flip-flopper. I think it’s genetic. Her mom just babbles: Jordan is too likable and that’s bad but the mom likes him, but he’s too bad like JoJo, which is bad or something. I think telling a man she just met to swear not to hurt her daughter is a bit premature. How long is The Bachelorette filming schedule? He’s supposed to make a life-long pledge about a woman he’s known for less than two months and only got to spend a day or two alone with her, right?

Andrée: I Googled it and an entire season is filmed in six weeks. I’m upset JoJo couldn’t have pulled out a better outfit or shoes. That’s really all I have to look forward to on this show these days.

Elaine: Wow, JoJo’s mom has had a lot of work done, huh? There should be PSAs advising women against trout mouth.

Andrée: A lot of work done. She’s kind of spooking me out. Jordan is good at picking out flowers. Or the show just puts extra work into his bouquets. Aww, he got everyone gifts. Crappy gifts. Is it just me or is her mom basically saying Jordan is too good for her? She’s going to love the next guy then.

Elaine: Wait, where was the heated exchange with the brothers? I thought the show only picked JoJo so they could show off the crazy, overprotective brothers.

Andrée: That was totes boring.

Elaine: So Jordan flees town without asking JoJo’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage and she’s so confident that he wants to marry her. Is that what happened or did I miss something? There is always the chance that I watched my dog do something cute and forgot it was on. I’m bored. I’m telling you right now: I won’t recap any moment that doesn’t involve a crying jag, fistfight, JoJo’s bad acting or emotional despair.

Andrée: No, you missed nothing but her delusions. I think Jordan’s going to dump her after all that. Hmm.. Robby might actually have the larger bouquet this time. JoJo loves him because he is a 5, so he has her on a pedestal. He’s totally more her speed.

Elaine: Jordan might think it’s too soon for a lifetime commitment, but Robby has no problem with rash decisions. Not one violent encounter with JoJo’s brothers? I’m done with this episode. I’m going to ignore any moment that doesn’t involve heartbreak until we get to the conclusion.

Andrée: Her parents are like, “Yeah, only one man loves you.”

Elaine: Commercial break. Oooh, Miss America on Sept. 11. Would you judge me if I confessed that I love Miss America pageants? I’d ask you to watch with me but I think I’ll be out of the country.

Andrée: I won’t judge. I watch the YouTube videos after the fact, not sure I could sit through the entire thing.

Elaine: JoJo’s freaking out because Jordan didn’t say he’ll propose. She’s the Bachelorette, shouldn’t she do the proposing?

Andrée: Her parents are nearly coming right out and saying it: He’s just not that into her. No need for Chris Harrison right now, just finish the damn episode, I’m falling asleep over here. These bouquets are starting to all look disturbingly similar.

Elaine: Oh, God there is another date?  According to Robby his dream life–DREAM LIFE–is sitting on the sofa with JoJo while their kids play and something about kissing so much that they don’t notice the smoke coming out of the oven and they order pizza. In other words, JoJo and Robby will be inattentive parents and so busy making googly eyes that they won’t notice that a white van has pulled up and the children took candy from the stranger. They also will likely succumb to smoke inhalation.

Andrée: That’s my hell. Every piece of it. The faint noise of kids in the background, my ass. Eww, the meatloaf. Yuck. What is the point of this date seriously? We are seeing nothing new at all. This might as well be a recap episode from any one of the boring dates we’ve already suffered through this season.

Elaine: The crisis is I’m next-day viewing. It’s too late for a breakfast/brunch mimosa and too early for that first glass of wine.

Andrée: I’m just going to pretend I didn’t just finish my second glass of mimosa and thinking about switching to straight champagne. Though this is so boring I might opt for a pause and a latte.

Elaine: Okay, we’re on the Jordan date. He looks quite attractive.

Andrée: He’s so hot. Hot and great hair. He’ll be a great Bachelor. And totally not into JoJo.

Elaine: Shorter JoJo: “But Jordan, you talked about how much you love me and want to be with me after our one night of sex.”

Women Across The World: Guuuuurrrllll

Elaine: You know what men hate? “We need to talk about the relationship.” She’s nagging and placing demands now, before you are even her boyfriend. You better run, Jordan.

Andrée: So incredibly annoying. I feel like I am the one being nagged here.

Elaine: Heh, Chad is in the studio audience. He’s going to walk out with at least three women’s numbers. And that’s a lowball estimate. Can you imagine if Mr. H. proposed and you were all, “Aww, that’s so sweet. I love you, but I love someone else a teensy bit more. Don’t take it too hard, it was a tough decision. He beat you out by like, one point.”

Andrée: Mr. H. would have flipped his lid and gone all Chad on me.

Elaine: Ring, ring, ring. “Hi JoJo’s parents, it’s Jordan. Just calling to say I’m less ambivalent than I was the other day so now I’m asking for her hand on this phone call.” He should have sent a shrug emoji. \_(ツ)_/¯

Elaine: JoJo’s family is all, “Well, as long as we marry her off so she won’t spend her life hoarding cats.”

Elaine: I guess the producers told Jordan that he has to feign interest to make this a real horse race.

Elaine: Uh, Andrée? Where are you? Did you just tip-toe away from the computer?

Andrée: Funny story:  I fell fast asleep with my laptop on my lap right when I said I should probably go get a latte and just woke up 3 hours later, and ran to get a latte. I’m ready to continue!

Elaine: Sigh, well just go back up, fill in some remarks and make believe you were watching the show. They’ll never know.

Andrée: Eww, whose ugly sock and shoe combo is that? No wonder he is getting dumped.

Elaine: And the loser is … Robby! Sorry that your dream of Jordan as the next Bachelor has died, Andrée. Oh, back to heartbreak. “I fell in love with you but something about something and love and you would have been my best choice but something. Whatevs.”

Andrée: I’m shocked honestly. She is an idiot, a very stupid woman. You just tossed aside your loyal li’l doggie. Have fun getting dumped by Jordan. How long do you give it? A year? Six  months? I’m pissed! This means we lose our Bachelor.

Elaine: I detect a note of bitterness, Andrée. What the hell does she mean? “I wanted it to be you.” No, JoJo, you wanted  it to be Jordan. That’s why Robby is diminishing his manhood by sobbing in the Limo of Rejection.

Andrée:  What are we left with for The Bachelor? It’s going to end up being one of the nameless fuckos. At least we’ll get lots of gossip rags about Jordan cheating on JoJo and hooking up with an heiress instead.

Elaine: Okay, I’ll admit it. Despite my season-long trash-talk and cynicism, I am a big romantic and I absolutely love the proposal scenes. I love weddings, bridal showers, the whole caboodle. Meanwhile. baby showers are a hellscape, because I don’t like babies. They are so messy and awful conversationalists.

Andrée:  They do a great job setting the scene for romance on this show. It’s just not convincing with this couple, though. Setting is perfect, man is perfect, but there is one big thing wrong — I’m looking at you, JoJo. JoJo just homewrecked America. You stole our man! I will hate you forever. Now they have to pull Chad off Bachelor in Paradise and make him The Bachelor instead.

Elaine: I walked away to get some bubbly. What did I miss on After the Final Rose?

Andrée: I was dreaming of Jordan proposing to me Bachelor style. Now that I am awake and fully mad, I’m switching to wine so I can properly cuss JoJo out for stealing my man. I was actually excited about a season of The Bachelor for once. Forty-two more minutes of this crap, here we go.

Elaine: Full-disclosure: I am going to play a video game until we get to the announcement.

Andrée: Please God, we don’t care about the feud between Jordan and his brother. Robby’s hair is looking particularly douchey today. Yuck, I hate JoJo’s dress.

Elaine: Oh, dear God. Chris Harrison is asking JoJo who should be the next Bachelor and she said Luke –the serial killer– or Chase who, if nothing else, is attractive. That means it’s down to those two. Meh.

Andrée: Not acceptable.

Elaine: I love Chad popping up to add his name to the list of contenders. Sorry, Chad. Bachelor Nation will not pick a dangerous bad boy, who would probably make whoever he takes to the fantasy suite call him “Daddy” as he pulls her hair. But after that, he’d be super sweet and romantic, there would be cuddling and he’d lovingly stroke her hair, declare that his heart only belongs to her…..Maybe I said too much. Bachelor Nation will go with a blandly attractive man who will not pull hair or get into any naughty talk. He will toss rose petals on the bed for a night of vanilla love. I’m sure that Chad would also set a romantic mood with rose petals before the hair-yanking and…Maybe I said too much. Again. They are letting Chad talk, he lost his mother recently and he’s a marine. Please, please pick Chad who is hinting that he may be a naughty, naughty boy on Bachelor in Paradise.

Andrée: He knows they fed him booze and poked the bear all summer long so he’s going in for an image upgrade. I love how the crowd was all about Chad as the Bachelor and he didn’t get boos till JoJo prompted it. Also love how when asked about how things are with Jordan, she answered with a sign and an “um.” Well, no shit. You are a stupid girl. He’s going to leave your ass so soon. Remember the last time we had to sit and listen to someone defending herself? It was what’s-her-face with Juan Pablo. We all know how that turned out. Sorry, the truth sucks, JoJo. Seeing the two of them together, they really don’t look like they are that into each other.

Elaine: Wait, here is a preview of BIP. Is our girl Jubilee in bed with Evan and his creepy mustache and his talk about erectile dysfunction? This is beyond upsetting. Maybe they were just engaged in girl talk. I could accept that. She’s supposed to be with Chad. They are both veterans. All he needs is the love of a good woman like Jubilee and he’ll see how his life has gone off-the-rails and then they will get married. Wait, the show is over? I don’t know who was announced as the next Bachelor. Damnit, I was thinking about Chad and now I have to rewind. Or take a nap and let you do the heavy-lifting. Peace out.

Andrée: They trick you so much with the previews. I couldn’t help myself. I saw a bit. I will sit through a lot of crap to finally see Chad knockout Evan. Lace! Cryin’ Kardashian! Island baby! Multiple proposals! Tears! CHAD! YASSS YASSS YASSS! They have not announced The Bachelor. WTF? Maybe they will do it like they did last year with Ben and announce it during After Paradise live. Squee can’t wait!

Final thoughts: See ya! The Bachelorette is already completely pushed out of my mind, I’m ready for love and drama resort-style! Bring on Jorge! You don’t know about Jorge yet, Elaine but you will. Oh, you will! YAY!

P.S. #chadforbachelor is a thing — let’s make this happen Bachelor Nation!

We are almost at the Bachelorette finale in which JoJo must decide between Jordan and Robby. But first, the Men Tell All. Bachelorette analyst Andrée H. tells you what’s what. — Elaine F.

I feel like anything I say here will be repeating myself since I thought yesterday’s episode was going to be The Men Tell All so CHAD!

Andrée: Please be Chad in the black car.

Elaine: You know it is. Our man gets a dramatic entrance.

Andrée: YES! That whistle is music to my ears.

Elaine: Yeah, baby. We love it when you do that sinister whistle of crazy.

Andrée: He gets his own trailer I love it.

Elaine: I’m going to be honest with you, I intend to fast-forward past every man who is no named Chad. Chris Harrison can shut up now calling our Chad a villain, he’s just misunderstood. He needs love.

Andrée: I do not love to hate Chad, I love to love Chad.

Elaine: Any woman who does not love Chad should take a look in the mirror and question her life.

Andrée: Oh man, the previews for Bachelor in Paradise look amazing. I am so excited for the summer of Chad.

Elaine: Me too. His role now is the violent drunk, but that’s okay. We know what he’s really like.

Andrée: Wait Ashley I. wants to go from virgin to mother on air? I’m okay with that.

Elaine: Ugh, Ashley and the crying. I’ve had enough of her but I know you like her.

Andrée: Jubilee represent!

Elaine: Yassss. My girl. They better treat her right. She’s been through too much tragedy, what with losing her family and all. Plus she’s a vet.

Andrée: Tuesday, August 2nd! Calendar marked!

Elaine: OMG, I can’t wait!

Andrée: All the men I don’t remember in the slightest.

Elaine: Yep, that is Anonymity Row.

Andrée: BRING OUT THE CHAD!

Elaine: Alrighty now.

Andrée: No one in the world wants to hear Evan’s thoughts.

Elaine: Word. Evan is a punk. Chad has the most manly strut.

Andrée: Watching the Chad recaps is the most fun I’ve had this season.

Elaine: Chad should have his own one-hour special.

Andrée: I don’t remember Derrick. Apparently he was a villain.

Elaine: If his name is not Chad, I’m not interested.

Andrée: I hate all these men, Evan the most for deciding he knows Chad’s on steroids.

Elaine: Please, all Evan knows is erectile dysfunction. No shade, that’s his job. 

Andrée: Chad is looking hot tonight.

Elaine: Look at the audience turning against Chad. Lemmings.

Andrée: I forgot about his mom dying. That probably added to Chad’s rage.

Elaine: Aw, I forgot about that. He should get with Desiree. They can talk about tragedy.: she lost her whole family. And then they can have smoochies.

Andrée: I love that Chad dug into the other men’s past relationships to air out their dirty laundry.

Elaine: I love Chad insinuating that he knows their girlfirends in the Biblical sense.

Andrée: Let them fight!! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Elaine: Fight! Fight! Fight! Let’s see some testosterone.

Andrée: HaHaHa! “I don’t want to fight you in dress shoes.”

Elaine: Chad will not mess up his outfit. He can beat that guy’s ass later.

Andrée: A guy moved bedrooms to get away from Chad. That’s amazing.

Elaine: Yeah, because he wouldn’t be able to resist the raw sexuality that Chad exudes.

Andrée: “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt!” I just spit champagne all over my keyboard.

Elaine: Oh Chad, virile and fashionable.

Andrée: “I made jokes about you to the camera because it was funny.” I love Chad’s whiny impression he uses every time he impersonates another guy.

Elaine: These bitter ladies should shut it down. They can’t take on Chad. So Chad thinks JoJo had to ditch him because he was the designated viallin.

Andrée:  OMG, that’s the same thing we said., JoJo wanted him but couldn’t keep him around due to public opinion.

Elaine: Pfft. JoJo can’t handle all that.

Andrée: Chad is bang on right about Jordan. Also, love that Chad talked to Jordan’s ex too. What a stud.

Elaine: Yep.

Andrée: Chad tells it like it is. Chad would make an EXCELLENT contributor to our blog. You need to secure that.

Elaine: Dreamy sigh. The three of would have to talk business over protein shakes. So now crybaby Evan or “Yvonne” as Chad calls him is pouting because Chad ripped his shirt. Oooh, there is evidence.

Andrée: Yes, play the tape!!!! Oh yeah Chad was SHOVING him fully.

Elaine: I’m not sure who started it, but I don’t care. You know Evan wanted Chad to rip his clothes off. Stop lying, Eva I stand by Chad. Wait, what’s happening? The audience is on Chad’s side.

Andrée: Good job audience! Screw you Evan. PUSH!

Elaine: It’s hilarious how obsessed the other men are with Chad. They are worse than us.

Andrée: If I was any of these guy’s ex girlfriends I would be going after Chad too.

Elaine: Word.

Andrée: I feel bad for you Evan, because you are a giant pussy of a man.

Elaine: Yep.

Andrée: America has not had enough of Chad, random nameless dude.

Elaine: I don’t know why those other men are there. Their only purpose in life is talking trash about Chad.

Andrée: I hope that Chad stays true to himself on BIP. Don’t change a thing.

Elaine: I think he is firmly established as the villain. I don’t care. My love is true.

Andrée: I know you don’t trust Luke and believe him to be a serial killer.

Andrée: I certainly don’t care to see his recap footage. Time for a drink refill!

Elaine: I’ll let you know if anything happens.

Andrée: I’m back. They are replaying when JoJo broke up with Luke. So much bad acting. On both parts.

Elaine: You missed the part where he said: “It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.”

Andrée: I’m kind of upset things started tonight with Chad. I feel like it can only go downhill from here. I’m seriously considering pausing this and going on a Pokémon hunt in my neighborhood instead. Maybe I could also hunt down a latte.

Elaine: You know, I downloaded the app but I don’t know how to use it. Tell me if you  Pokémon Chad.

Andrée: I’m going to try to stick it out, even though we are only halfway through.

Elaine: Luke has a sad story. I feel sorry for him, yet, I’m just going to fast-forward to Chad. I don’t mind Chase. I think JoJo ditching him in the fantasy suite after he said he loves her sets the stage for next season. “Chase: Trying to Find Love Again.” I’m not crazy about him, but we don’t have too many acceptable options in this group.

Andrée: I was fading fast till they reminded me of him asking if the van was his fantasy suite, HAHAHAHHA.

Andrée: I cannot wait to hear what Chad has to say to JoJo.

Elaine: I cannot wait to hear what Chad says when he ask him to blog for us.

Andrée: Blah, blah, blah I am getting so bored.

Elaine: We are spending too much time on Luke.

Andrée: I cannot believe one of the unmemorables feels the needs to harass JoJo with Whys.

Elaine: FFS.

Andrée: Vinnie’s mom too funny.

Elaine: I’m sure she is. I have no idea who he is and I just can’t handle the Chad-less scenes. Hmm, the upcoming episode looks good.

Andrée: Don’t watch the previews! Don’t do it!

Elaine: Damnit, I forgot and got sucked in.

My prediction is that next week will be the most predictable ending in Bachelor history. JoJo will pick Robbie, Jordan will be The Bachelor. Let’s just skip it and get straight to Chad in Bachelor in Paradise.

I can say for the first time this season I am stoked for tonight’s show! Bring on the Chad! Normally, I’d be excited to find out who is going to be on Bachelor In Paradise, but let’s face it, I already know! I’m ready for Chad!

Andrée: All that suspense and JoJo just voted out the guy she said she would. And after he made her a heart made out of flowers.

Elaine: It’s too bad, I know how much you looked forward to Luke being a serial killer.

Andrée: Guess she’ll get to keep her skin tonight.

Elaine: Ah, the patented Fletcher fake cry. I’m not a fan of the long goodbye. Vote him off the island and be done with it. Ah, Luke is sobbing because he didn’t tell her he loves her in time.

Andrée: Give me a break. Perhaps you should have told her earlier than two seconds before she kicks someone off. I never liked him anyways. See ya. You suck at acting, JoJo. Go ahead and keep on burying that face to hide your fake tears.

Elaine: Okay, we’ve moved on to Thailand.

Andrée: First date! Thailand! Street market! Pretty sweet. With the guy I think she’ll marry, but I can’t remember his name for the life of me, still.

Elaine: OMG, I was thinking the same thing.  He’s not Jordan, so he is either Robby or Chase. I have no investment in this season. I only cared about Chad. So whoever this guy is, he says he can’t think of a more romantic place to propose Thailand. I submit Paris, a skyscraper overlooking Manhattan (which is how Mr. TVRD, proposed.), at sunset on a canal in Venice, lounging on the pink sands of Bermuda, on a snowy day in the Alps… What? I drifted off. Oh, and his name is Robby.

Andrée: I hate it when she says she feel safer. Safety isn’t what I aspire to. Maybe it should be I don’t know.

Elaine: “Safe” is a vague, unsexy word. Is she safe because she’s thinks of him as a brother? Does she mean “protected” like the way a woman would feel with Chad because he would wrestle a bear just for looking at you?

Andrée: This is the part where JoJo pretends that she isn’t 100% planning on doing the fantasy suite.

Elaine: All of these contestants look the same to me, how can she tell which guy she’s with?

Andrée: Pretty boring  fantasy suite.

Elaine: Yep, they should have gone to the Hampton Inn. They have a DIY waffle machine in the lobby.

Andrée: I think JoJo would love anyone who loves her and that makes me a little sad.

Elaine: I believe the same. Poor JoJo.

Andrée: Wait, why are we recapping dates? Where the hell is Chad?

Elaine: Uh, I didn’t want to say anything but The Men Tell All airs tomorrow night.

Andrée: This is some serious bs, I thought tonight was Men Tell All!

Elaine: I expect that to be awesome.

Andrée: Time for the Jordan date. I’m totally into our next Bachelor. I think he’ll have a great season.

Elaine: I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ve been finding him iffy lately.

Andrée: Yes Jordan, get sweaty. JoJo, get out of the way, you are blocking my view. It’s hard watching her being so painfully aware that he isn’t into her.

Elaine: Sigh, JoJo is just so JoJo. “Tell me that you love me. But Ben told me that, and he didn’t really love me. Do you love me love me?” She is tiring.

Andrée: He’s ready to commit to a future but not with you JoJo. What does the next year look like for you?” “Crickets.”  She is just coming across as so desperate and annoying to me right now. He looks totally annoyed by her too. He looks like he wants to slap her.

Elaine: “Oooh, here is a card? I wonder what it could be!” Sigh.

Andrée: Why pretend to be surprised to see the fantasy suite card? So over the predictability.

Elaine: I predicted you would say that.

Andrée: Pause, rewind, pause. We have a hot shirtless Jordan first thing in the morning!

Elaine: What happened? Well, I guess I know the answer to that question.

Andrée: We all know you are not falling in love with three men JoJo, you aren’t even the least bit convincing.

Elaine: As I’ve said before. Worst. Actress. Ever.

Andrée: I don’t remember who Chase is.

Elaine: He’s some guy who is not Chad.  

Andrée: Oh yeah, him.

Elaine: Ah, a visit to the fish market. So sexy.

Andrée: Yuck with the fish. Terrible date. This guy is painfully forgettable.

Elaine: Who?

Andrée: What happens when you put two dimwits on a date? I fall asleep.

Elaine: Did you say something? I was napping. Wait, what’s happening? Why is that man who isn’t the other guy in her room?

Andrée: Ok so dude number one showed back up in the middle of her date. That’s awkward. So she kisses him, That makes it more awkward.

Elaine: Not cool, Robby. This is not a phrase that I usually use, but “dick move.”

Andrée: It confirms to me that he’s a creeper. Ah, crap back to this other dude. When do we get Chad?

Elaine: I already told you that. You have to wait until tomorrow. So Chase tells her he loves her, and JoJo does not look enthused at all.

Andrée: I wonder if her feelings wouldn’t have been so suddenly dampened if another dude hadn’t interrupted her date. I could go for her dumping a dude in the fantasy suite. That’s a bit of excitement.

Elaine: OMG, that would be terrific. Just snatch that card back and push him out the door.

Andrée: Shafted.

Elaine: Holy moly! Are you psychic? This is brutal; Chase is really calling JoJo out on her bs. Here she goes with the sobbing. It’s like she wants to stab a man in the heart and then get a hug. Despite not knowing who he is, I am now Team Chase. He’s good looking and may have potential to be the next Bachelor.

Andrée: Why is it that she breaks up with dudes then won’t let them leave?  She’s always searching for validation from guys she crushes. It’s the worst.  I love that he called her on basically pulling the same shit that Ben did. Why is she still talking?

Elaine: Ugh, JoJo is the worst. You’ll be better off without her, Chase!

Andrée: He’s raring to get out of there.

Elaine: Of course, he says “I love you” and she gives him the boot without any farewell sexy time.

 Andrée: Allow him his pride. Let the man walk away.

Elaine: Uh-oh, he did not leave well enough alone. This is uncomfortable.

Andrée: Chase shows up to the rose ceremony anyways, I guess he wants to get rejected again. He shouldn’t have come back. Made him look like such a pussy, he could have said all that at Men Tell All. He probably wanted to stay an extra day in Thailand and party on Bachelor’s tab.

Elaine: Sorry, guy. I’m not on Team Chase anymore. That’s weak. Chad wouldn’t have been so undignified.  I changed my mind. This might be a good way to get considered for the next Bachelor. Chase is attractive and straight, I think. This did not strike me as a house full of lady-loving lads.

This is some serious bs. I thought tonight was Men Tell All. On the plus side, we got the overnights done with! We only have to get through her family now, although the brothers’ portion of that should be awesome. I guess that will be next week. Time to sleep, I have to wake up, get through my day and then CHAD!

This has been a weird season for me. In some ways it feels like it flew by, I’m surprised that we are already at hometowns, but in other ways, mostly the terrible feeling of dread I get before starting every episode, it’s felt like the longest, drawn-out season in Bachelorette history. Today we get to see hometowns! And not just any hometowns, but a serial killer, a half celebrity and some other dudes. Should be good, but let’s all be honest, what we really want to see is JoJo’s hometown and her evil brothers. The whole reason why she got to be The Bachelorette in the first place. Well, I assume it was that. Either that or Ben breaking the love rules. But if it was in fact the brothers, well, we better see some action. Even though all that is not even this week, but I can let my mind wander right? I hope they save the serial killer for last. I’m going to make a prediction he’ll be the only interesting part of this episode! Wine is poured – here we go!

Elaine: I am so pumped about tonight’s hometown dates. I’ve never found them all that interesting unless there is major drama. I think Claire freaked out when Juan Pablo met her family. I’m too lazy to look it up, though. I’m so excited about tonight because JoJo’s overprotective brothers seem capable of defending her by any means possible. I’m here for the crying and fights. Since the family is friends with Jake Pavelka, I’d be happy to see him join a brawl.

Andrée: Who are you, and what have you done with Elaine? Hahaha…wait are we going to get to see the brothers tonight? I figured that would be next week. The previews have me slightly excited as it looks like JoJo will be doing some sobbing. I like her best when she is on her knees in tears.

Elaine: First date with Chase in Colorado. Blah, blah, kiss. I’m going to play with the dog until I hear sobs or shouting.

Andrée: Oooh, Colorado, maybe they will smoke dope for a date, do a pot tasting!!! That could be exciting!

Elaine: These houses are always so blandly middle class or upper-middle class. Just once, I want to see hoarders. JoJo walks in and there are ten cats walking over slices of half-eaten pizza and broken Hummel figurines. Or maybe the dad could greet them wearing a stained wife beater. None of that has happened so far. Call me when someone has a psychotic break. My money’s on Luke.

Andrée: That reminds me of Jade’s hometown where the nicest hotel they could find was the biggest dump. So much closer to reality. I don’t remember Chase.  don’t remember this wound. I don’t remember any of it. I don’t understand why they aren’t wearing jackets when there is snow everywhere. Blah, blah, blah daddy issues, you and everyone else, buddy. I cannot believe he is choosing this public platform to call out his dad. What a dick. I’m already falling asleep and we haven’t even gotten to his mom. “Do you get the sense this dude’s mother is loaded drunk? Her hair is shabby, her face is all red and she’s bawling. Looks like a drunk mom to me. I am surprised he hadn’t already told her he loved her, I thought every single guy already had.

Elaine: Welp, the date with Chase was uneventful but now it’s time for Jordan and California. Break her heart, Jordan. Do it! But do it nice so you can be the next Bachelor. Jordan’s mom calls him “Spicy” as a nickname, which makes me think of Posh, Baby, Scary and whoever else was a Spice Girl. Back to the date, Jordan says his feelings “exponentially grew” but I missed it because I was trying to remember the other Spice Girls. Jordan is losing me a little bit but maybe he isn’t a good enough actor to sell this farce.

Andrée: Ginger and Sporty — come on Elaine! This is basic girl knowledge! Must be nice to be a quasi celebrity, he got to have his name up on the high school info board. Would your high school teachers even remember you? I am sure mine would not. They would be like: “Why are you here?” Okay , this must be the smallest town in the world if there are still pictures of him up in the coaches office. I always feel sorry for people whose glory years were in high school. Who cares that his brother isn’t there? I mean my god. Stop bringing it up. JoJo, holy fuck, stop talking about his brother. I love that Jordan said he wanted his Mom to believe their connection, we don’t believe it, no way in hell your Mom does. JoJo is so completely aware that he isn’t into her.

Elaine: Okay,  Robby lives in St. Augustine Florida. For the most part, I find Florida a hellscape of humidity and alligators but if you go, see St. Augustine. It’s charming and posh. I don’t mean the Spice Girl, I mean upscale. I get a vibe from Robby that makes me think JoJo’s not his type. This date has the most potential for drama so I’m going to stop thinking about ‘90s pop groups and focus. Family dinner, not one of these people can act convincingly. Hmmm, based on her conversation with Robby’s mom, JoJo might be into him. She comes off as the most natural I’ve ever seen her.

Andree: I have to say, he’s not the hottest of the crew, a solid 5, so she’s probably the most into him because she’s realistic. And for that I say good on you.

Elaine: Ooooh, finally drama! Convoluted drama but drama all the same. So, let me get this straight, Robby’s mom says his ex-girlfriend’s roommate is spreading rumors that he dumped the girlfriend just so he could be on the show? He’s not here for the right reasons? Question: Do you think the mom has been coached by the producers? Confrontation time. Dramatic music! Denials! Insecurity! Bad acting! Question: Is Robby just a bad actor for the show or is he bad at lying to JoJo? That’s right, JoJo do the dry cry. Wait, I think I see a tear. Poor kissing technique, Robby. You have to hold her face with two hands, that’s how Jordan does it. At least have your hand on her lower back.

Andree: Answer about the mom: most definitely, if I have learned anything from UnReal, it’s that everything is coached and staged! I have to agree with you, though, this seems like easily the most natural family meeting of the few we’ve seen so far this episode. Of course they have saved our serial killer for last. So far,  I am making my prediction Robby for the win. They seem like a perfectly boring match, aka right for each other. But in all seriousness, the timeline doesn’t make sense. He totally broke up with her to be on the show. I mean one would think you would have to apply 6 months to a year before the show. You would think… Oh, so basically he is saying in his head it was over he just never said it. What a prick. Also, JoJo is being a total hypocrite right now cause this was totally her last year.

Elaine: Now it’s time for a visit to Texas for Luke. Do you still think he’s a serial killer?

Andree: If he’s not, he should seriously consider playing one on TV.

Elaine: JoJo said Luke has “quiet confidence,”  I think that means “quiet loner.” They are on a dirt road! What if he has a secret room in his barn? A sound-proof bunker? Dammit, it’s just his family. There will be no hostage drama. I’m gonna go get some prosecco. Call me if she gets lured to the barn.

Andree: He’ll quietly skin you alive. Maybe his family is in on it.  Maybe that’s how his dates end. He is so creepy I can’t handle it. Plaid and serial killer are two looks that don’t mix well.

Elaine: I miss Chad. He is probably the manliest guy this franchise has ever seen. Yes, he might also have a secret room but he just had such appealing testosterone. He was the only man in the house who demonstrated a convincing desire for the ladies. Just saying. Awww, he arranged all the flowers into a heart on the grass. The candle trail is a nice detail. Possibly a fire hazard, but sweet. While I admittedly wasn’t paying much attention to the other dates, this one is the winner for creativity. Don’t you dare break his heart, JoJo.

Andree: I miss Chad too. Remember when this season was actually good? Sigh. You know, Elaine, serial killers have to put in the effort to make their victims drop their guard. Nothing makes you drop your guard quicker than flowers in the shape of a heart in the grass. Or swans made out of towels on a bed with rose petals. The little dog following me on the horse might just win my heart. Usually I judge the winner based on the size of the bouquet their Mom receives. In this case, Jordan would be the winner by far. I hope my prediction is wrong this time. This is totally a case of he has no friends so overcompensates by inviting the whole town to meet her I think. Do you think people in small towns stay together forever because there is no one around to cheat with? I want to think they are cute together but he just scares me too much. I think it’s the eyebrows. The eyebrows and the intense staring.

Elaine: Wait, it’s rose ceremony time. Won’t we get to see JoJo’s family tonight? I am surprisingly invested this time. Jordan looks quite sexy. What do we think of her blue dress? She is rocking the cleavage so it’s going to hurt the reject even more.

Andree: I told you! No way they wouldn’t leave that carrot dangling. I think every single person still tuned in this season is just here for the potential brothers blow up. How much are you going to laugh when she shows up at home and her brothers are in the backyard shooting guns with their new best friend Chad?  If that happens, I might just start liking this show again. This is kind of a weird and creepy rose ceremony. Why is it at an airport? Why is JoJo wearing a dress that looks like it is the same material they used for figure skating costumes or mermaid tails?

Elaine: Wait, Luke just interrupted to pull her away from the ceremony! Will he put chloroform over her mouth and drag her away? No, he just needs to say he loves her. Little late in the day, Luke. What do you think?

Andree: We have heard so many I love yous I can’t keep track. But considering we heard two this episode, that means JoJo sent home the bulk of the men that said they loved her right after they said it. So maybe he made the right choice in waiting. Makes him stand out from the crowd a little bit.

Elaine: Well, at least we get the crying and confusion on the tarmac. JoJo’s delivering the ol’ “What if I make a mistake?” line. I can tell she’s fake crying because there is no close-up.

Andree: That’s why she is on her knees in tears. I call BS. That’s what I get for watching the stupid previews at the beginning of the episode. Should have guessed from the ballgown. Man, he must feel like shit, tells her I love you and then she falls over bawling.

Elaine: To be continued! WTF! I thought JoJo’s family would be on this episode. Yay, the Men Tell All episode is next week! I want it to be 60 minutes of Chad going all caveman. I bet Chad throws JoJo over his shoulder and walks off the stage with her.

Andrée: Yes, Men Tell All, I’m actually excited for this one, solely for my Chad. I love how Chris says the most talked about men, let’s be honest, there is only one man we’ve been talking about. JoJo knew she wasn’t woman enough for him.

This episode was just about everything I thought it would be. Next week should be fun! They should make Chad a special correspondent so that we can keep him in our Bachelor lives forever! After this episode though, it’s pretty darn obvious that Mr. 5 is going to be the big winner. Everything else was so forced, I thought I was watching Passions for a minute there. (I can pull out the 90’s references too, though that was more the early 2000’s but started in ‘99 so it counts). Side note, doesn’t the Men Tell All usually happen when it’s down to only two guys? Weird…See you guys next week! My prediction: Several pussies whine at a gorgeous manly man while he laughs in their faces. Should be grand!

After not having The Bachelorette last week due to Independence Day, I almost forgot it was still on. However, I eventually remembered that the JoJo Story has not yet concluded. I am sitting here trying to remember who I am rooting for, and who I don’t like, but I can’t remember any of them. Oh well, time to take a big gulp of wine and get to it.

Andrée: Are hometowns really just around the corner? I feel like by now I usually know who is on the roster.

Elaine: Call me crazy, but I’m unusually optimistic about tonight. There aren’t that many men left so hopefully there will be tears, drama and fighting.

Andrée: All the guys take a bus, one gets to ride with JoJo. Here’s guessing it’s a loser she doesn’t want to be with.  Alex for the win. Yup, I was right. JoJo looks bored to death in that car.

Elaine: Your prescience about these matters is eerie. There are two things upsetting me right now. JoJo and James are shoveling Pringles into their mouths. The product placement message is: When you are on a dull date, enjoy this salty treatt, so you don’t have to talk. The other issue is that these white boys are entertaining themselves by beatboxing. I’m embarrassed for them.

Andrée: As if the guys are that jealous, Alex’s entire date consists of sitting in a car.

Elaine:  Oh, dear God, now he’s rapping to her. Please make it stop. Aren’t they going to do something on this date?

Andrée: Oh look they get an actual activity! Oh, they get to farm… I always laugh when the loser guys think “If I can only get some one-on-one time, she’ll fall for me.” Every time they get sent home after the date, if not during.

Elaine: Damnit, that product placement made me hungry. I’m gonna go search the cupboards for something salty.

Andrée: I wish I had popcorn. I wish I was at the movie theatre. No JoJo, Alex doesn’t look good in his gaucho outfit, he looks like an idiot.  JoJo looks like she wants to throw herself down in front of the horse for a swift trampling to death.

Elaine: I’m back. Fortunately, I found some Utz potato chips. Sorry, Pringles but Utz is the best. That said, I’ll like any chip company that pays me for a mention, so the ball is in your court, potato chip brands.

Andrée: I’m sorry, but this horseshit feels like I need to turn it off, so I don’t get busted for animal pornography.  This date is spooning with a horse. I just, I don’t even have words anymore.

Elaine: First off, I enjoy your use of the phrase “horse shit.” Oh, you are right, this is terribly upsetting. Can we go back to the white boys rapping now?

Andrée: Alex is all about this horse. He’s feeling love for the first time.

Elaine: I’ll admit that my relationship with my dog is unusually close, but it doesn’t warrant a visit from the ASPCA like this horse scene.

Andrée: “I have never felt so willing to fall in love with someone.” You know the sound bite  team was like “mehhhh, good enough.” Oh God, Alex’s date continues. Just tell him you love him like a brother and call it a day.

Elaine:  They must both smell like horse. JoJo has no chemistry with Alex. She had more chemistry with the horse.

Andrée: Alex, no buddy, you didn’t connect with JoJo, you connected with a horse. They are setting him up to look like a fool, and he is playing into their hands perfectly.  Uh-oh, he dropped the love bomb. Earlier JoJo was thinking about friend-zoning him. I think she’s going to boot him right now.

Elaine: And he will feel like a horse’s ass. See what I did there? That was an unconvincing line delivery of “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Andrée: Ouch. “When you tell me you are falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should feel.” Friiiiend Zone. Bam.

Elaine:  Oh, the humanity.

Andrée: His face right now, though.  Yup, it does suck. Move on. See ya! My prediction was bang on. Once again. This show is so damn predictable.

Elaine: That’s why you are the Bachelorette expert.

Andrée: I wish I could take credit for it, but this show is unimaginative and predictable as all get out. He’s so pissed. HAHAHAHAHA

Elaine:  Oh, yeah. He’s thinking about how he had to waste hours in a romance with a horse.

Andrée:  JoJo is trying so hard to pretend to care. JoJo stop chasing him down trying to get validation from him that you made the right move, maybe be more sensitive to his feelings. You are going to be a terrible wifey. Stop fake crying you are terrible at that too. Terrible at life, really. Maybe you should have broken up with him in the unicorn head.

Elaine: Worse. Actress. Ever.

Andrée:  Lord can you imagine going through all this and your prize is JoJo? Gag. The guy that just said in his eyes he is a front runner, I have no idea who that guy is.

Elaine: Me either. Let’s ignore him.

Andrée: Here we go Jordan. All you have to do is pretend you like her for a couple more dates then it is Bachelor city for you.

Elaine: Agreed. Jordan is totally in the running for next Bachelor. I hope JoJo doesn’t screw him over by picking him. The producers probably would intervene.

Andrée: A wine tasting!! With a private jet!! Yes and Yes!  I could totally get down with this date. It’s just all so awesome.

Elaine: Wine makes everything better–especially recapping.

Andrée: Oh they have to work, boo!

Elaine:  Look, Jordan should be happy he’s stomping grapes and not trying to roofie a horse.

Andrée: Blah, blah, guys at the house whining. I just realized we’re only half an hour in. Kill me.

Elaine:  Who are these men? Why do they all have the same hair?

Andrée: Back to the date, here we go, another love bomb. It’s about to happen.

Elaine:  I just don’t see it. This is why I didn’t want JoJo as Bachelorette. She’s so bland. This date isn’t exactly what I’d call sexually-charged.

Andrée: She’s so smitten, can’t wait till Jordan breaks her heart. How could anything be sexually charged with JoJo? I mean they had to resort to animal pornography to try to get some spice in there. What does that tell you?

Elaine: As long as he does it in such a way that it doesn’t screw up his chance to be the Bachelor. Jordan is going into a lot of detail about his history. It seems overboard, but it’ll make good fodder when he’s the Bachelor. Here’s the love bomb–you called it. Gotta say, he has excellent kissing technique. I love it when they hold your head in both hands.

Andrée: He can hold me like that anytime, or hell, throw me up against the wall. My entire season of The Bachelorette would be blurred out. I’d make Kaitlyn look like a saint. Time for a group date I guess. Woo-hoo.

Elaine: Their date got rained out and they are staying in. Sitting around eating and drinking in a hotel suite sounds preferable to whatever she had planned. And there may be board games, sounds good to me. James, the dud, is trying to impress her by shoving as many fries in his mouth as possible. How to put this delicately? He’s the designated “average Joe” among the hunks–this is not making him more attractive.

Andrée  Yuck, James is going home this week.

Elaine:  Forget what I said about this sounding like a fun date. She’s stuck inside with a bunch of drunken look-alike frat boys. One-on-one time with Robby and he spends all of his time talking about his bad breakup with his last girlfriend

Andrée: This might be the new worst date in Bachelorette history. One would think there is a fairly long application process to get on this show, so did he sign up the day they broke up?

Elaine: Yep, that is shady and Robby will get together with his ex as soon as he gets the boot from this show. Wait, he got the group date rose so Robby will be single for at least another week.

Andrée: It’s the last one-on-one before the hometown dates with some guy named Luke. They are shooting things. I remember him. He’s the serial killer. Don’t go on a hometown date with him!

Elaine:  Come on, a hometown date with a serial killer would be “the most dramatic episode of the Bachelorette ever!” You may think he’s the serial killer, but I say James is the one to snap. JoJo is the first girl whoever talked to him. Probably.

Andrée: Honestly, if anyone of them went on a killing spree I’d perk right up. They should do an episode in Oz. JoJo should go on a date with Simon Adebisi. I would actually pay money to see that date. On a positive note, JoJo’s hair is looking so good on this date.

Elaine: I think she likes the serial killer. There is a lot of hugging going on. When she meets his “family”, it’s going to be the taxidermied bodies of all his other girlfriends. Probably.

Andrée: I guess I should be voting for the serial killer then, that would easily be the most interesting thing to happen all season! Thank God there’s no cocktail party. She’s going straight to the rose ceremony. First rose goes to the serial killer, good job JoJo.

Elaine: Yay! We’ll get to see his taxidermy “family.”

Andrée: Jordan gets a rose of course.

Elaine: Of course.

Andrée: And the final rose goes to…Chase. Imagine that, stuffing as many french fries as possible into your mouth doesn’t get you the girl. Of course,  James is going to blame it on just not getting enough time to tell her he loves her.

Elaine: She better watch her back. Probably. It’ll be fine, Luke will kill anyone who tries to harm her. So the final four are Jordan, serial killer, Robby and Chase. I know you told me not to watch the previews, but they look good. Thoughts?

Andrée: I closed my eyes and went la, la, la for the previews. As you should have, now you are going to have unrealistic expectations for next week’s episode and surely be disappointed. That’s on you Elaine, that’s on you.

This episode was freaking painful. I’m pretty much ready for this season to end and for Bachelor in Paradise to get started. Actually even thinking about Bachelor in Paradise is more exciting than watching this episode. JoJo should wear dark lipstick more often, these are my thoughts! I’m off to do something far more adventurous, watching some paint dry! See you next week!

After nearly both falling into a coma last week, we made a pact to only cover the interesting bits of this week’s episode…so the recap is over! Ha-ha just kidding but probably not far off. I have been drinking all day in preparation to watch this episode, now that my Chad is gone there is really nothing sucking me in, but 3-4 glasses of wine in and I am actually starting to be a little curious as to what new drama will go down this week! Let’s tune in…

Andrée: Quick everyone plug your ears, ignore the previews! We will not be fooled!

Elaine: I’ve learned from you not to watch. Too many fake-outs.

Andrée: Hearing her try to pronounce Buenos Aires is painful.

Elaine:  Only JoJo can take the romance out of a romantic language.

Elaine: Heh. It’s the flatness of her delivery that I focus on. Her “excitement” seems forced. Bad actress.

Andrée: Oooh another two-on-one  date! Excellent. Let’s get rid of some more losers! So random that just the one dude hasn’t kissed her yet. Even more random that he is talking to all the other guys about it.

Elaine: I suspect Wells would rather kiss a boy but he also looks very young. In either case, he has never kissed a girl.

Andrée: This guy is so awkward. Who cares when you kiss her? Seriously. Oohhh now they get to go in a pool. I don’t get how lying on your belly in an inch of water is “the right moment” but whatever, glad we can move on from this.

Elaine: So, my dog did something cute and I got distracted. So, let me get this straight? They did some sort of aquatic performance art date? I don’t really know what’s going on here, it must be an Argentinian thing, but at least he finally sealed the deal. Something tells me this dude is always in the friend zone.  That is amusing since JoJo was in the friend zone when she was on The Bachelor.

Andrée: I love that he spent so much time building up the anticipation for the first kiss and then she decided it wasn’t good enough and dumped him. That’s priceless. He’s like “Aw damn, not again.”

Elaine: Sorry, Wells. There’s the right girl –or boy– waiting for your love. Word to the wise, just kiss them and get it over with.

Andrée: I’m not falling for your sob story, JoJo. You are worried nothing will work out because one dude is in the friend zone. Please, you have a dozen other waiting on you.

Elaine: See? Bad actress.

Andrée: Uh-oh, it’s group out time. This is typically where I start to fade fast. I  like the music in this episode. Makes me want to dance around the room in a very large skirt.

Elaine: Dance like nobody’s watching.

Andrée: I have to say that I always stand out in a crowd –no matter the size. I would kill group dates– if I could stay awake.

Elaine: The other girls would get jealous and then run tell The Bachelor that you are not there “for the right reasons.”

Andrée: We all get it James, you aren’t sexy. Did you need us to say it? There.

Elaine: Poor James. I don’t want to say anything unkind so I won’t say anything. Okay, I will say something unkind, he’s a dud. James is using his his one-on-one time to whine that Jordan can’t be trusted because he’s attractive, well-off and successful. Interesting maneuver for a pity kiss. Welp, now we have out next “rivalry.” Jordan vs. James is ludicrous. No competition. Time for the date rose. And it goes to Luke.

Andrée: These two dudes going on the two-on-one. I actually have no idea who either of them are. So I hope she dumps them both.

Elaine: Never seen them before. I will refer to all the other men as Not Chad or Not Jordan. Okay, one of them is Chase and the other one is Not Chase. Oh, his name is Derek. So we can still refer to him as Not Chad, Not Jordan, Not Chase. Oh, never mind. All I hear is: “Blah, blah, something, something, express feelings, something, I came here for a reason. Blah, Something.” Date rose time. Goodbye, Man I Never Saw Before. Congratulations Whoever You Are.” Where’s Jordan? I know his name. Lord Jesus, the date entertainer is singing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” as Man I Never Saw Before performs his limo cry in Argentina. Wow, he is really sobbing. I bet the producer just lied to him that his grandma died to get all that emotion.

Andrée: James bitched this whole time about not having a chance to get to know her and as soon as he gets some one-on-one time he uses it to bitch about Jordan. It’s probably the only reason the producers even gave him any one-on-one time with her. I love that red dress on JoJo. Hey look at me, I said something positive.

Elaine: Red is JoJo’s color. See? I can be nice too.

Andrée: Oh, the dramatics. She can’t decide between two forgettables. Send them both home! Do it! The show tricked us. They both get roses. Boo-urns. They both should have gone.

I can’t believe it’s down to six guys. I feel like by now I usually know who these guys are. There are no real sparks of romance even. Hopefully, things will get juicy soon. Regardless I’ll still be watching, why, I don’t know! See you guys next week!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

I should start by saying that I deeply wanted to boycott this season, and I am upset by my lack of willpower. I have no interest in JoJo, other than her hometown dates due to the brothers, yet here I am glued to my TV. The Bachelor franchise and the reason for that can be summed up in one word:  Chad. He’s the best. She needs to marry him. I’m so upset he got voted off but I’m hanging on for at least one more episode because I know it starts with Chad on a manhunt, and really that’s how I prefer my Chad. Tuning in!

Andrée: I hope Chad just goes crashing in there and starts smashing faces.

Elaine: Oh, yeah. I want to see some rearranged faces, especially Evan, the wimpy ex-pastor and erectile dysfunction expert.

Andrée: They are having a mock funeral for him? Seriously I hate these guys. Just all of them. Get ’em Chad!

Elaine: The menacing whistling in the woods is fabulous. Go get ‘em, Chad. Thank you for being the only real man on the show. Welp, the remaining contestants can enjoy girls’ night. Maybe they’ll give each other mani-pedis and have slow-mo pillow fights.

Andrée: The guys are all scared shitless that Chad is at the door. I love it.  Of course. it’s Jordan trying to diffuse the situation, he’s probably used to dealing with hotheads. Chad and Jordan are going to throw down. YESSSS!  Shut up Evan, you’d never talk to Chad like that without security standing behind the cameras. Boooo, no fight that was lame.

Elaine: I’ll miss Chad’s Alpha male badassery. May you spend your days with a girl who appreciates you. Try not to hogtie her in a bunker, though, ‘k?

Andrée: They baked a cake? These guys are just too much pussy for me to handle.

Elaine: Word. When JoJo  has her hometown dates, I want her unhinged brothers to turn to her and say, “What were you thinking? Chad’s the man.”

Andrée:  Now that Chad is gone I am already finding myself tuning out.

Elaine: Word.

Andrée: Poem. Vote him out.

Elaine: Who is that? Don’t tell me. He’s not Chad. I don’t care. I hate poetry. A man who tries to woo you with poetry should be immediately dismissed. Don’t wait, just get up and call Uber. Who is this dude who interrupted the poetry reading? He looks familiar?, is he from a previous season? You know what? Don’t tell me. I don’t even care.

Andrée: These guys are all just a blur to me at this point. I think Jordan is my new favorite. I like that he just threw her up against a wall and took her. I also like him because I suspect he’s in it for fame and not JoJo. I know that makes me a bitch but I’m okay with it.

Elaine: If you don’t have anything nice to say, then come sit by me. I do hope Jordan is here for the wrong reason.  A kiss up-against-the wall kiss is swoon-worthy. He just put the rest of the ladies competing for JoJo on notice. I’d actually, I’d like Evan to stick around long enough to suffer some real lasting humiliation. The kind of embarrassment that  will follow him. You know, like Chris Christie. I want blubbering. He triggers my bitch switch.

Andrée: I agree. If we had to suffer through him it should be for a good reason. What is Daniel going on about? He does not represent all Canadians.

Elaine: He’s no Justin Trudeau, who is in my Top 5 Canadians I Love  list. Here is the order: Andrée, Andrée’s Mom, Justin Trudeau and Ryan Gosling. The fifth spot is open. Sorry, Drake. Any chance you had was ruined by the “Hotel Bling” video. Daniel is not handling his exit with grace.

Andrée: I love that list. We’ve got some great Canadians but we have a few bad apples as well, Justin Beiber kind of ruined our good name. I’m glad they are somewhere warm although she doesn’t really have any hot men so it’s a bit of a waste. The guys are not happy at all that Jordan gets the first one-on-one in Uruguay. He’s so going to break her heart I can’t wait. Here we go now everyone is going to hate Jordan instead of Chad. Totally makes me more Team Jordan. Why are these guys even allowed to have gossip magazines?

Elaine: Why wouldn’t they? Ladies like gossip mags. And they are sitting in salon chairs? Wait, whaaaaaa? Is this article claiming that Chad was her real boyfriend? Oh, I see. Her ex-boyfriend just happened to be named Chad. Whaaaa, she met Jordan’s ex?

Andrée: When did JoJo have a chance to meet this girl? Was this staged by the producers?He’s having to defend himself and he doesn’t even know what girl she is referencing. He’s an athlete, I’m sure he’s screwed over women thousands of ways.

Elaine: You would make a great crisis-management expert like Olivia Pope. That would be your statement to the press: “He’s an athlete, I’m sure he’s screwed over women thousands of ways.”

Andrée: I’d also add what did you people really expect? Come on now. They are going out of their way to try to work out some drama with her and her ex. I remembered they pulled this crap last season too and it ended up being nothing.

Elaine: Oh, yes. I remember her fake crying in Ben’s season. She was on a hometown date and was “surprised” that her ex left a note for her. Ah, more fake crying. JoJo is still a horrible actress. She should have taken an improv class between seasons.

Andrée: I would love it if some guys would walk out on her right now, but of course they will be all supportive. Boo-hoo. Welcome to your 15 minutes of fame. Guess what? When you are famous you show up in gossip rags. Stop crying. You suck.

Elaine: Word.

Andrée: Wait, how can you be in love with JoJo when I don’t even know who you are, Robby?

Elaine: I’ve never seen him before. Did he just walk in off the street?

Andrée: This Luke guy creeps me out. He strikes me as a date rapist or something. Kind of an American Psycho vibe.

Elaine: Don’t leave your drink unattended, JoJo. Time for the group date rose. And it goes to a man I have never seen before. He’s not Chad. Ah, I see, his name is Derek. Alex, some guy who is not Chad, is pissed off but pretending he’s okay.

Andrée: Clearly you do want the pity rose or you wouldn’t be bitching about it, Alex.

Elaine: JoJo likened her feelings for Robby to puppy love. She also called him “sensitive.” Poor Robby is doomed. Go immediately to the Friend Zone. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Andrée: Holy Good Lord. Robby’s  like the third guy tonight who told JoJo he’s falling in love with her. What is going on? Is there something in the water there? They just can’t get enough of the kissing in front of fireworks shots on this show.

Elaine: That’s probably some B-roll that they edited in or a green screen or whatever. I

Andrée: You just gave me a fantastic image of these dates  all being a terrible sham and really they are just standing on their marks waiting to get in front of a green screen. Three losers getting sent home, excellent! Evan will be one for sure.

Elaine: But Evan hasn’t been sufficiently humiliated enough on national TV yet.

Andrée: I don’t really feel one way or another about any of these guys, but I’m glad to see Evan finally packing.  That firefighter Grant is a cute, strong chin, she probably should have kept him around over the serial killer.

Elaine: But the serial killer could make for “the most shocking episode ever!”

Andrée’s Final Thoughts

It was a boring episode but it did serve one solid purpose, got rid of a ton of guys that we didn’t know even existed. Jordan is my new frontrunner, but for the next Bachelor not for JoJo’s heart. I don’t even have a sweet clue who she’s going to end up with. Sigh, I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC