Bachelor in Paradise

’It’s the second to last week of my favorite show! We can expect some new arrivals for sure, and I am *hoping* a Bachelor announcement! Come on, Chad!!!

Andrée: I am excited about this episode! This has to be the only show in the Bachelor franchise that I cannot wait to see each week. It keeps me on the edge of my seat.

Elaine: Ooooh, I know I violated your rule about ignoring previews, but this looks dynamite! Tears! Breakups! New guy! Men fighting! I’m psyched! Again, thank you for making me watch this glorious foolishness.

Andrée: I am not going to lie — I watched too! CATFIGHT! I mean Josh and Nick aren’t the manliest men out there so I think I’m good to say that. I didn’t notice Ashley I.’s virginal scene in the opening credits. Awesome.

Elaine: Oh, yay! The catfight is still on. My girl, Caila, is a scrappy fighter, she set Ashley off by referring to Jared and herself as “we” and then sweetly says she knows Jared loves Ashley like a sister. See? This is one of the reasons I’m Team Caila. Cute, flirty, fun and bubbly on the outside, a lethal warrior inside. And you know, I will always support my fellow fun-size sisters.

Andrée: “He loves you as a sister.” Ouch,  Caila! Zinger. I also love how Caila said in her interview that Ashley is here for the wrong reasons. I am sure that the producers put her up to that. Ashley wants to kill herself.  Nooo, don’t do it Kardashian Barbie!

Elaine: Aww, Ashley lost her dog. I love, love, love dogs. The loss of a dog is heartbreaking; Ashley had better not be taking her dog’s death in vain for attention.

Andrée: Now that’s a real reason to cry, Ashley. Every time I hear about a dog dying; I start crying thinking about the day my doggie will die, and I just can’t handle that thought. She’s praying to her dog, interesting. It looks like her dog came through for her!

Elaine: Oooh, Wells is here. I remember his face. He’s a real cutie. Look at them all trying to get him to take Ashley on a date.

Andrée: I do not remember him at all, what season is he from? Don’t pick a twin,  pick Ashley! Even the other single girls are telling him to pick Ashley LOL, I’ve never seen that happen!

Elaine: I don’t remember his season and you know I’m not going to Google it. He fell for it!

Andrée: He probably thinks she has to be the greatest match in the world for him if every single person there suggested her. Everyone starting cheering! Hahaha. I almost fell over. When I see Caila with Jared, I just don’t feel like she’s into him. It does look like he’s way more into her. He goes in to make out, she gives him a peck then leans backward.

Elaine: Regardless of the likelihood, my girl wants to extend her life in the franchise. I think Caila likes Jared, well enough. Ashley’s favorite band is Hanson.That’s grounds for dismissal. Even Nickelback would be a less embarrassing choice. But how refreshing to see Ashley having a non-psycho moment.

Andrée: I amazingly know one other person who’s favorite band is Hanson. Wells does not respect her answer. She is legit obsessed with them too. Those tacos look incredibly difficult to eat. Why are they flat? Why? Aww, they are feeding doggies. Awwww.

Elaine: Those are wild rabid dogs. This date is going to end exactly like a Game of Thrones episode I saw.

Andrée: If that’s the case I am going to have to look away like I did with that dog scene in GOT. Ashley always has the best dresses. I want her wardrobe. And her false lashes. I want things to work out with Wells for her. That could be wonderful. I just don’t get what Grant sees in Lace, to me she is just such a trainwreck.

Elaine: I do adore false eyelashes. You know this show better than I do, is it contractually required that couples start to fight and break up toward the end of the show? First Izzy and Vinny aka Who? Now Lace and Grant.

Andrée: I picture the producers just filling their heads with nonsense when they are at maximum-liquor intake and causing as many breakups as possible. They probably get breakup and engagement bonuses on this one. Grant should just let her walk away. Why do you need all that drama in your life?

Elaine: Question: Josh is making a point of saying all these sweet things to Amanda, but do you think he’s saying some of those things to stick it to Andi Dorfman? I’m okay with that. Andi was grating. I just wonder if this is a showmance to tick off Nick and get in some digs at his ex.

Andrée: Josh is such a dick. I seriously hate him. I know nothing about him aside from this season, but I just think he is the worst. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that were the case.

Elaine: All kidding aside, we know our Chad can be an agro mess, but something about Josh is creepy, no? Yes, Chad issues death threats when he’s drunk and might drag you by the hair to his bunker and hold you captive until you say you love him, but Josh gives me the willies. For real.

Andrée: He woke Amanda up just to be a dick to her. I’m sure she will have great dreams now. Watching his sex dream is enough to make me vomit.

Elaine: Whaaa? I missed that part. Thank you, Baby Jesus.

Elaine: For the contestants who didn’t get that far on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, the rose ceremony rejection must sting more because it’s more intimate. On the main shows, it’s a matter of thinning the herd; on this show, you leave because nobody wants you.

Andrée: That is a valid point. You aren’t being rejected by one person you are being rejected by six. Carly’s outfit is one of the worst I’ve seen. A tube top with matching arm sleeves? What the living hell?

Elaine: Who? You know I won’t discuss her. I want to talk about Josh.  I want to know every sordid detail, but I am not going to buy any book written by grating Andi Dorfman. It’s a quandary.

Andrée: We should just find an online blog that reveals the dirt on Josh that was in the book. I guess this fight with Nick is going to be happening post-rose ceremony. Prediction, we will see two seconds of the fight and it will be “Continued on tomorrow’s shocking episode of Bachelor in Paradise!” So far, all the roses are predictable; I think that we will be seeing the Canadian going home this week, unfortunately. Uh-oh, the twins are going to drop out and screw over my Canadian. Booooo! Boooooo! No Daniel means no more funny interviews.

Elaine: I thought it was mandatory to always have a Canadian until the final four. Shocker! I’m siding with the twins on something; they aren’t leaving before warning Amanda about Josh. Being the twins, they have to sob their way through the warning.

Andrée: That is something at least. I believe that Josh has anger issues. And he seems like a sly, seedy guy. I don’t like the look of him. Shady.

Elaine: I believe Josh’s story about his dog needing chemo treatments so now I might have to excuse myself and get a tissue. But I still don’t like the way he behaves.

Andrée: I’m not sure that I believe it. I don’t know about dogs, but humans do not go to chemo every single day. I mean it might be true that his dog was sick, but I think he is exaggerating the amount of time he was spending dealing with that. It seems like misdirection at the very least. Now he is calling the entire cast down to the beach.

Elaine: Fight! Fight! Testosterone! Nick won that one if you ask me because he kept his cool. Also,  he didn’t want to get slammed by a towering meathead.

Andrée: So his dog is still battling cancer?? What Grade-A douche, go home to your dog, you dick. Step up, Nick! Yes. Good. He’s doing a great job, very calm, very factual. Josh won’t even address the fact that the things Andi said about Nick are true. Ha!  Sidenote: Lace just said “I can’t stand her” after Caila asked a question. I can’t stand her either; that’s interesting, I always want to know the things they don’t show us.

Elaine: We’ve talked about this before, stop hating on Caila. I don’t remember you being this hostile to her during Ben’s season, except for comments about her height. She’s a couple of inches taller than me, too so stop that. Jami! Finally a face I recognize. We get a new Canadian for you and a vaguely brownish girl for me in one person. Everybody wins! Wells is a cutie; I don’t blame Jami for picking him as her date. Haha! Ashley overslept, and now her man is out with someone new.

Andrée: Poor Kardashian Barbie, Ashley just cannot catch a break. I guess the early bird gets the Wells! I always feel sorry for the people who show up the last week. I love that everyone on the beach is just staring Ashley down waiting for her reaction. She had no reaction. Amazing.

Elaine: Right? How do they form a bond in such a short amount of time? Off-roading! (That’s what you call it, right?) And a trip to a waterfall.This show is so biased about who gets a good date. Jami gets to show off her body, immediately. No time wasted there. Her bikini matches his swim trunks. Welp, that spells trouble for Ash.

Andrée: This is a super fun date! Much better than the date they sent him on with Ashley and those damn flat tacos. It would be hard not to have a connection with someone in that kind of setting. Asking her if she is a big Batman fan when she has a Batman tattoo on her finger. Now he’s making out with her. Uh-oh.

Elaine: Oh, I thought that Ashley had recalibrated her meds. Guess not. She’s going after Caila. Poor little Caila has been scared off. Or has she? Ashley may be playing herself once again. If Caila says she’s leaving, it’ll make Ashley look really bad. This episode gave me everything I want in my trashy TV. Twin tears, man fights, shocking exits, full-on bitchery. God, I love this show. Thoughts?

Andrée: I’m not surprised that Ashley fell apart the second the new guy she likes isn’t right by her side. She needs constant distraction. I don’t think it is completely unfair of Ashley to ask Caila not to make out with Jared in front of her. I wouldn’t want to see my ex making out with someone right in front of my face. Then again, Ashley shouldn’t have gone on the show in the first place knowing that her ex would be there. The whole situation is just super messy all around. It’s funny how so many people in this episode are talking about leaving; the show is already pretty much over. “There’s so much baggage, and it’s walking around with red lipstick.” That’s a great quote, Caila. So that’s it, Caila is leaving. Sounds good to me. If Jared decides to stay in paradise and not leave with Caila, it would be pretty telling. I’m watching the previews again like a fool. Everyone is going for Wells, the only guy left because the twins were selfish and gave three guys the boot.

Excited for tomorrow! Warning: Next week will get a little boring until we hit the engagements–just want to keep setting the right expectations for you

The only thing better than mocking Bachelor in Paradise is mocking with reality show philosopher, Andrée H. It’s cat fight time! Bring it on, Andrée! — Elaine F.

Andrée: Two people I don’t know or care about broke up. So sad.

Elaine: This Izzy/Vinny split would be more dramatic if we had ever seen this allegedly intense romance. Vinny is attractive and seems like a good man; he can do waaaay better. I think Izzy in for a big surprise with Lamp Guy.

Andrée: Why on earth would you go for Lamp Guy in the first place? He showed up with a lamp — twice. He stole from a hotel room– twice. This guy sucks. Yay! Jade and Tanner!

Elaine: Oh, that’s the couple that got married. See? I know something about this show. Oooh,  the newlyweds get to select a promising couple to send on a date! Ashley is holding her breath.

Andrée: Yes! Jade was the Playboy model from the farmer’s season, and Tanner was a cutie from Kaitlyn’s! Poor Ashley I., Jade and Tanner are not on her side; Sending Jared and Caila off on the super romantic date to fall in love!

Elaine: Good call, Tanner.

Andrée: Looks like our little Nick might have finally found a girl that really likes him!

Elaine: Good for Nick!

Andrée: I am totally bored with Jared and Caila as a couple. Without Ashley I. lurking, there is nothing compelling there.

Elaine: They look cute, but I’m firmly Team Caila. Of course, a crazed stalker makes it more exciting for Jared and Caila. I think my girl, Caila, knows she can extend her franchise participation. Unless  Jared sweeps her off her feet, she’s planning on another season in Paradise and thinking she could be The Bachelorette. It’s a long shot, but I’d be pleased.

Andrée: I highly doubt she’ll ever be The Bachelorette. She’s not compelling enough to make it unless it was right after her season and JoJo hadn’t stolen the crown by getting told she was loved. I find Ashley sexier than Caila, but the crying doesn’t help her case any.

Elaine: Really? I just see Ashley as a broke-down carnival act. Caila isn’t isn’t shooting for overlty sexy, she’s going with cute, sweet, bubbly and flirty.

Andrée: To me, she is too Plain Jane. I like my glamour girls! I think Carly saying that Evan is asexual is being a little too kind. I mean his opening sequence is him downing a banana…

Elaine: I will not address this scene in the sweat lodge. They deserve each other, and I refuse to type their names again.

Andrée: It’s another shitty date. Sitting in the dirt listening to chanting. Fun times.  She’s referring to her lady boner. Carly and Evan do deserve each other.

Elaine: Ashley I. calling Caila fake is a fascinating observation from a woman who fakes tears and her virginity.

Andrée: Ashley is a total f-cking psycho. She is going well out of her way to try to break up Jared and Caila.

Elaine: It is delicious to ponder. Either she is a psycho or a poor actress. You know, I’m going to walk something back. If Ashley’s antics remotely resemble her real life, the virgin story is slightly more credible. I don’t know, and you ask Mr. H if he would go near her with a ten-foot pole.

Andrée: Mr. H might do a one-night stand with her, but that would be the extent of it. I believe it; I think she was into being a virgin for a while then decided she didn’t want to wait for marriage but wanted to wait for love as a coverup for being scared that she will suck at sex. That’s what every virgin I’ve ever met is like. The fact that she goes so over the top with her looks is overcompensation for fear of terrible lovemaking. Jared is such an idiot to take anything Ashley says with a grain of salt. Caila is pissed. I would be too. That was a quick and pretty boring episode. It was the first boring episode of the season, so I’ll give it a pass.

Elaine: Are you out of your freaking mind? This episode was great. It started with a breakup, trash-talk and tears from a couple we have never seen together! That, right, there gave the episode a ludicrous moment. Jade and Tanner visited to flaunt their happiness and also up the Ashley/Jared/Caila drama by picking Jared and Caila as the couple with the most potential. That led to more tears and theatrics from Kardashian Barbie. The show was nice enough to give us a long break to refill our wine glasses because of the freakshow couple, whom I will not name,  was on a date. My only quibble is that I expected a vicious catfight. That Caila is a sly little thing. Referring to herself and Jared as “we” made Ashley even crazier. Have I made a solid argument?

Andrée: I think you have. Caila needs to play it up for the cameras more and get into a catfight though if she wants me to shift my support to her. Ashley I is ready to throw down, and I respect that for my viewing pleasure!

Here we go! Tonight should be really juicy! The final new arrivals always are!! Plus, I am like 100% sure positive we’ll be getting the new Bachelor announcement on After Paradise tonight!!

Andrée: Two new girls tonight? Squee! I know I shouldn’t watch the previews but I caught that bit before I tuned out. You know I have a problem when I can’t stop myself from singing along to the opening credits. My maid must think I have a serious mental issue. Okay Ashley saying that Caila is an attention-seeker is a bit funny. Wait, when did Caila tell Ashley that she doesn’t like Jared? I didn’t hear that. Ashley is just making crap up. Now she is sobbing again. Jared is so stupid. He falls for it every time.

Elaine: Called it, Ashley played herself by pushing Caila out. I love that Caila got in a dig about not needing to be on TV. Ha! Girl, I know you have big plans. And they all involve working your way back into this franchise.

Andrée: Jared is going to leave. Well, that’s good at least. If he has actual feelings for Caila it is the right thing to do. That’s funny she has already left. He is chasing her down. Aww. That’s cool. I guess he doesn’t care about his luggage. Or a free engagement ring. *shakes head*

Elaine: What woman doesn’t appreciate a man running to catch up with her when she’s leaving? That car was moving mighty slow, though. My girl, Caila, knows what she’s doing. No matter what you say, I remain Team Caila. I’m glad that they aren’t getting engaged. That would be a bit much at this stage.

Andrée: Evan is now telling the story to everyone else all wrong. Jared never said: “I am never talking to you again.” Ugh. It’s like watching a game of telephone play out on the TV screen.

Elaine: I wish Jared would have said that but he’s warmed to his role as professional stalk-ee

Andrée: If she wants Wells, Ashley best stop crying. I didn’t realize all of that went down while Wells was still on his date. Man, Ashley cracked SO fast.

Elaine: I wish the show would move on and get a new crackpot. I don’t know how many more hate-watch seasons, she’s got left. I wonder if that thing Chad said about the producers promising her a show is true. That wouldn’t surprise me. On the other hand, they could just be leading her on. It’s time for a new nutter. Lace had her moment, let’s get someone new. I hope the replacement is also a stalker. Clingy girls and douchey guys are what makes this show. BTW, I took your advice and I’m watching S2. So far, it seems douche-heavy which is always nice.

Andrée: This conversation between Ashley and Wells is so awkward. I would not want to be Jami treading on Ashley’s new territory. I love how Ashley says Wells is the guy that she got over Jared for. She is in no way over Jared.

Elaine:  Despite what, I just said ,I do enjoy the way Ashley I. beclowns herself. I wouldn’t mind her stalking a new guy.

Andrée: Lauren from Ben’s season–wasn’t she the Chicken Suit kindergarten teacher? Yes, she definitely is. Meh, she is boring. I’m surprised they saved her for the last week. Normally,  they save serious hotties for the end. I would enjoy it if she stole Lamp Guy from Izzy though, she deserves a little karma.

Elaine: Oh, right. Chicken Suit kindergarten teacher, I don’t give a cluck about her…

Andrée: Another girl! YES! How fun is this episode? Oh, a double-date! Fun! There has been so many double dates this time around! Ashley’s got a full hate-on. And Wells is going on a third date! What a dirty dog. The kindergarten teacher took Izzy’s man, I do like that.

Elaine: I remember this girl. I think she spoke Russian on her limo entrance and kind of worked a phony-baloney language barrier for a while. I respect that. Wells, is cute. I don’t blame the girls for going after him. Not to mention, it’s smarter than going for one of the guys who has been there for a while.

Andrée: Surfing lessons! That’s a fun date. Man, this Lamp Dude is just the worst.

Elaine: I will not acknowledge him.

Andrée: Nick is like the father figure of Bachelor in Paradise. Such a different look for him. I like non-villainous Nick.

Elaine: He outgrew that. I think he’s ready to exit the franchise with dignity and likeability. Hint, hint, Ashley!

Andrée: Back to the date, Wells is now making out with the Russian. That’s three girls in like 48 hours, maybe 72. Gingivitis is coming to mind.  Eww, Evan smacked Carly’s ass and now they are making out. I need to go rinse my eyes out with bleach. Eww! Put your disgusting boner away.

Elaine: Nope, not watching, not acknowledging.

Andrée: I want Amanda’s Hot Sauce tank top. Wow, she gets a date with Josh and it’s a fancy dinner of…pizza. They spent a whole lot on that one. I am not even listening to this date. Josh’s lips keep moving and all I hear is the sound that Charlie Brown’s teacher makes. And I am distracted by the way they did the table runner, with the table in a diamond shape having the runner come over the corners. I like that. Looks cute without trying too hard.

Elaine: What do you think Chad would say about Josh?

Andrée: Wells is bad from his third date LOL. Should be fun watching him juggle. Ashley has upgraded the new girl from “Eurotrash” to a “Russian hooker.” It’s fun watching three girls fight over Wells,

Elaine: Ashley’s technique is pretending to be a virgin, wailing and fake crying, stalking and saying really mean things about the other girls.

Andrée: I know I shouldn’t watch the previews but I am surprised to see Nick looking at engagement rings. He and Jen strike me as friends at best. I don’t get it. Oh God, it looks like he proposes and she says no,  he’s crying on a beach. Noooooo. Why is Nick smashing a lamp? Is he trying to be Chad? You are not Chad.

Andrée: Squee! It’s time for After Paradise! I hope you are actually going to watch it this time! You don’t know all the goodness you are missing out on. Plus, we finally get to find out who the Bachelor is.

Elaine: Nope. Not going to watch.

Andrée: Ok, it should be time for the Bachelor announcement now. Yay! I hope it’s Chad. I am sending Chad vibes.

Elaine: You know that’s not going to happen. This show is totally biased against hot, virile, emotionally unstable heartthrobs. I’ll watch this and prepare to be underwhelmed.

Andrée: Stop beating around the bush. Tell me now! The new Bachelor is…Nick Vaill!!!! OMG! The Bachelor gods have pleased me for once! I seriously, genuinely cannot wait for his season. I guess we know for sure that Jen and Nick are not going to work out! Ha! Well, I have to say, if it couldn’t be Chad, I am definitely glad it is Nick. So he was second place on Bachelorette, then he was on Bachelor in Paradise, then he was second place on Bachelorette, then he was on Bachelor in Paradise and now he is going to be The Bachelor! That’s amazing.

Elaine: Excuse me while I lift my jaw up off the floor. Wow! Wow! Wowzer! I am stunned and thrilled! Josh cries into his green smoothie. So we don’t get another bland eunuch. I will be watching with genuine interest. Go, Nick, go! 

I am so happy for Nick! He is finally going to find love! I think my feelings towards Nick really changed during his hometown date on Kaitlyn’s season (and by hometown I mean meeting his family at a resort, not in his hometown. Shawn’s family was also staying at the resort, why I still do not know.) For the first time in like 10 years, I am stoked beyond belief for next season of The Bachelor.

So much happens in this episode, I’ll dispense the usual preamble and let Canadian envoy and

Things are juicy in Paradise; I’m enjoying this way more than I enjoyed Ben or JoJo’s seasons hands-down! Hopefully this week we will have some total hotties come into the resort and shake things up — who knows, maybe even Nick will get to discover love today! Let’s find out!

Andrée: We are right back to Jared wanting to kill himself. He is so done with having a stalker. I guess Ashley thinks if she just keeps crying and asking him if he is sure, eventually, he will just give in and date her.

Elaine: Jared is way too easy on Ashley. He has to forget about this “friendship” and just stomp on her heart. The way I see it, she’s just gonna cry either way. If he’s namby-pamby, he is just leading her on.

Andrée: Listening to Jared try to convince Calia that he’s there for her while Ashley sobs to Jorge in the background is just priceless. 

Elaine: Jared is paying more attention to the bunny-boiler. He needs to learn the basics of shunning. I could tell him how to erase someone out of your life as if they never existed in 10 easy steps.

Andrée: I like that Daniel is in control of the rose ceremony today. Obviously, I hope Sarah goes. I also would like to see the twins go. I love my Kardashian Barbie Ashley I.

Elaine: Ashley is crying to Jorge, and Mr. TV Recaps, who doesn’t even watch this show, wandered by and said, “She’s still crying? The one with the lips?”

Andrée: It’s funny how Sarah thought Chad was the most offensive thing on the planet, but she’s all into Daniel who is being a total douchebag.

Elaine: It all comes down to options. Sarah is not a hot commodity, so she’s gotta count on the one remaining guy who has expressed interest.

Andrée: If those twins both started kissing Daniel, l think they would be staying 100%. They are not making the right move sending in only one twin to seal the deal.

Elaine: It’s time for most of the originals to go. Single Sarah and the “twins” are duds. The established couples are dull. I’d keep Jared and Caila; that crazed, teary, “virginal” stalker you like, Nick and I guess the new girl, Jen. She’s bland, but Nick likes her. Everyone else can pack their knives and go. Amanda and smarmy Josh can stay, but only if Josh and Nick fight. That’s it. I’m sorry, Andrée, but I am over Mr. Canada.

Andrée: Mr. Canada has a name you know–and it’s Daniel I don’t think a peck on the lips is going to get you anything, honey. Okay, Ashley, you are up. Crawl on that Canadian and get yourself a rose. You are a virgin. This is a tool you can use against him. I love that they bleeped out Daniel’s “Why Sleeping with a Virgin is Awesome”. I want to hear that. I need to know what he said.

Elaine: Okay, that was an amusing segment. Finally, it’s time to give out those roses. Damnit! Why did Daniel keep the twins? Ugh. From this moment on, I refuse to acknowledge those walking petri dishes.

Andrée: That sucks because I’m losing out on my Kardashian Barbie. I am so happy to see Sarah go. I don’t know why she is so surprised she’s going home. She was a total [expletive deleted] the entire time.

Elaine: Whaaaa? Daniel sent Ashley home? She’s refusing to leave. Yesssssss!

Andrée: She’s asking if she can stay, claiming she’s been crying less, when all she has been doing is crying. I can’t believe that worked. I am certainly a happy girl right now.

Elaine: Nick’s got the best reaction with that groan. I’m loving on him so hard right now It’s sweet that Nick gives her brotherly advice and tough love. Caila is going to shove a rose down Ashley’s throat.

Andrée: I would pay money to see that catfight go down! Bring on the new men!! Some dude from Andi’s season, Carl. Didn’t watch that season, don’t care about him. He’s going after Twin Emily. Sounds good to me.

Elaine: I hate-watched Andi’s season. Fun fact: She was reportedly paid $50,000, which is significantly less than the other Bachelorettes.  

Andrée: Really eh? I wonder how much the others were paid. They lost at least one viewer that season because of choosing her– this gal, right here! Here’s another dude from Andi’s season, Brett. He’s carrying a lamp. Apparently, he did that on her season too. This guy sucks so bad at life. Whoa! This new dude is going in for Caila. That’s kind of fun. Ashley I. is loving it!

Elaine: Those ripped jeans, tho. I have questions about Mr. Lamp Guy.

Andrée: Ashley spends her one-on-one time trying to convince Brett to break up Jared and Caila and it works!  Ashley cannot contain her happiness. Bye, Felicia.

Elaine: Oooh, Jared is jelly. Welp, this is what happens when you don’t stake a claim. Our Chad would have thrown Caila over his shoulder and tied her to a chair until she said she loved him. He might have even brought her this guy’s pinky finger on a plate as a sign of devotion. I miss Chad.

Andrée: Chad would have never let that stand. I would also like to see a catfight between Chad and Jared, just to see Jared beaten to a pulp. Might straighten out his face a little. Jared is getting a little possessive. Trying to pretend that he isn’t but, he so is. Wouldn’t it be funny if he turned stalker. Boo, his possessive ways worked. Oh, now they haven’t worked. This bitch is getting too confusing.

Elaine: Don’t call Caila names. She’s showing Jared that she can make him or break him.

Andrée: Seriously now she is telling this dude yes, then no, then ye; she is the most confusing person in the world. I think maybe we gave her too much credit. She seems a little loopy.

Elaine:  I’ll have to ask Mr. TV Recaps. He says:  “It just sounds like foolishness, especially for somebody you don’t have any investment in.”

Andrée: Daniel’s advice is : “Just be a big dog like me, and we’ll create a little wolf pack and run free and find some little puppies to snag and bring into our den together”  Amazing.

Elaine: I love that Jared said: “I just got dumped for a lamp.”  This is the most quotable episode of the season.

Andrée: Ah, I kind of want to date Jared just to dump him for a flashlight. It’s another double date. They are really cheaping out this year. Emily has no idea who she is on a date with. Some creepy, gross-looking dude. Caila is dancing in a way that makes me think she should never publicly dance again.

Elaine: Caila was making a valiant effort at Latin dance. Twin took the easy way out by rubbing her behind against Unknown Tattoo Guy’s crotch. On the other hand, Twin probably just earned a rose.

Andrée: Of course, Ashley swoops in immediately. Though not so sure this is the stuff romance novels are made out of. Perhaps emo romance novels.

Elaine: Ha! What romance novel is she reading where the man doesn’t like the woman and has to be pursued? Was Fatal Attraction based on a romance novel?

Andrée: Seriously, though, in her world, a man looking at her is the perfect romance I think. This date is practically a sex cruise. I’m enjoying it. Caila on the other hand–not so much. I actually feel sorry for the dude she’s on this date with.

Elaine: Caila doesn’t enjoy drunken foreplay with a man she just met. She just wanted to make Jared jealous because he paid more attention to his stalker. I see she ran off with Jared after her snooze cruise with Lamp Man.

Andrée: Ashley is about to be a fountain of tears again. She’s actually listening in on them. She is such a stalker. A completely crushed stalker. Ashley is crying less than usual, but certainly not the turnaround she claimed.

Elaine: Thank you for making me watch this glorious show. Question: Did Jared and Ashley date? Question: Of the current crop, which woman would Chad most like to hold captive in his bunker of love? Since he liked crazy Lace, do you think he’d select Ashley? I don’t think she’d be bothered by his roid rage. I want Jared and Caila to get married on a “two-night Bachelor event” because I’d enjoy seeing Ashley locking Caila in a broom closet and putting a veil over her own head to trick Jared.

Andrée: You are welcome! Took some serious twisting of your arm but I finally got you hooked! Answer: They have become “best friends” over the past two years. They have made out and made it as far as second base, but Jared didn’t want things to go further because he was worried that if dating her didn’t work out, he’d lose his best friend. Second Answer: I think Ashley for sure, hands-down, Chad wouldn’t be able to resist the virgin challenge. All joking aside, there is a strong possibility Ashley will one day murder Caila and we will all feel terrible about everything we’ve written. Ryan B. from Kaitlyn’s season just showed up. Best remembered for not being remembered. I don’t remember him at all.

Elaine: Nor do I. He has very white teeth.

Andrée: It’s so cute that Grant set up the little massage date for Lace. I don’t get why he is falling for the trainwreck, but in all fairness, she hasn’t been a trainwreck since Week 1. Whoa! Grant just told Lace that he loves her. Her response is: “What is it about me that you love?” Awful.

Elaine: I’ll give her a pass, she didn’t see this coming. Apparently, there is a girl named Izzy on this show. She’s into some guy called Vinny. Apparently, they were a couple. And now she wants a conscious uncoupling so she can go after Lamp Man.

Andrée: It’s awkward watching someone you are into exploring things with someone new right in front of your face.

Elaine: Maybe she shouldn’t flirt with him while she’s 50-feet away from the guy she’s been with.

Andrée: I don’t understand why these people feel like if they find someone else attractive, they have to break up with their mate. I find other people to be hot all the time. I am sure my husband does too. In fact, I know this because we constantly point out hotties to each other. On that topic, I saw a lady bent over a stroller at the park the other day and you could see both her boobs, nipples and all. I pointed it out to my husband, who mistook my “Boobs! Boobs!” for booty and looked in the wrong place. His loss. She had great boobs.

Elaine: That is the most amazing paragraph to ever appear on TVRD.

Andrée: I feel like I am an awesome wife and my hubby totally didn’t take advantage of that fact! In other news, Vinny just got dumped. Boohoo. I don’t care. Meh, not much of a cliffhanger today. I couldn’t care less about what Vinny has to say to Izzy. I made the mistake of watching the previews. I can’t wait for the Ashley and Caila catfight. Catfight! Bring it on!

I’m excited about this episode — not going to lie! I’ve been following the Ashley I./Jared drama over social media for a year now!

Andrée: I purposefully ignored the previews–straight up left the room. I will not be tricked any longer!

Elaine: I violated the rules and I’m just courting disappointment. I’m sorry, I know the opening is supposed to be humorous, but Evan is going down on a banana. Moving on, Jared and Caila are so adorable together and now they have to be sidetracked by the sideshow freak, Ashley.

Andrée: Ashley I. is so obsessed. So obsessed. She’s the biggest stalker in the world. And still a virgin, I might add. I love that Chris Harrison asked her about the crying.

Elaine: I think she is obsessed with being on TV. That girl is most definitely not a virgin. That story is as fake as her tears. Either that, or she has a loose definition of virginity: Anal.

Andrée: Can you imagine starting with anal? Good lord, I’d become a nun. The looks on Jared and Caila’s faces are priceless. Priceless. Now the look on Ashley’s face when Jared told her he’s kinda hanging out with Caila.

Elaine: It is quite enjoyable. Ashley I. has turned beclowning herself into a profitable endeavor.

Andrée: Ashley is already crying. It’s been five  minutes. I love that she hunted down Caila and told her not to go on Paradise. The best way to get a guy is to scare off all your potential competition, right?

Elaine: Behind Caila’s smile lurks the heart of a killer. Ashley is playing right into Caila’s cute little hands.

Andrée: Now she is bawling and talking to animals. Sounds about right.

Elaine:  Ashley I. is talking to a producer wearing a parrot costume. Question: Having watched UnReal would you say Ashley just goes on there giving the audience what we want to see? Or do the producers egg her on? That seems unnecessary. I believe that she can humiliate herself without prompting.

Andrée: Well Chad said on his Twitter that Ashley does everything the producers tell her to because they keep telling her she’ll get her own show. Not sure if that is true or not, but if I’m going off what we see on UnReal, I would say it’s 100% true. Ashley I. is so damn pretty but she’s made herself out to be fool so many times on TV now, I’m not sure she has a solid chance at love in life anymore.

Elaine: There’s a lid for every crackpot. Note to self: Follow Chad on Twitter. I don’t have the will to watch that after-show, so I’m not as plugged in as you are. It’s amusing how the arrival of Caila and Ashley have made the other girls so irrelevant. I forgot Sarah was even on the show.

Andrée: Lucky you, any day Sarah isn’t on your mind is a good day. This date with Ashley and Daniel is great. “You interested in having sex anytime soon?” “I swing both ways on Fridays”. Excellent.

 Elaine: I’m ignoring his date with Ashley “always up for anal” I.

Andrée: She’s basically saying: “I want you to be Jared’s replacement right now.” I guess that’s romantic?

Elaine: Still ignoring her.

Andrée: You are crazy, this is the funniest date I have ever watched in my entire life. Ashley is the ultimate cockblock. She’s off on a date and still causing Jared to get no play.

Elaine: That’s just going to make Jared want Caila more. Stalker third parties push couples together.

Andrée: Daniel is super stoked on deflowering Ashley. He’s calling his dick Canadian Bacon, Canadian Sausage and Canadian Poutines.

Elaine: I question Daniel’s attraction to a virginal, stalkerish crybaby who is wearing too much makeup. I guess he knows the anal is a sure thing.

Andrée: Other than Ashley, the only girls Daniel found worthy were the twins, so we know he has no taste. He’s just into the easy lays. Now the performers are sacrificing the virgin. This might be my favorite date in Bachelor in Paradise history. I do not remember this Jen girl at all. Apparently, she is from Ben’s season. No clue.

Elaine: I have a vague memory of her face. Caila said she was the “reserved” one. If only I cared enough to Google.

Andrée: Woah, did Nick just say there is a gratefulness about Jen? As in, she is the grateful type?

Elaine: That’s translation for she’ll do anal. Actually, he said “gracefulness,” which means no anal without a ring on it.

Andrée: My bad. I liked gratefulness better. I can’t believe that Evan is dragging Carly to the hospital now. I mean, WTF, dude? You are sucking her in on pity and it’s just the worst.

Elaine: Did Evan claim that he’s taking medicine for his ankles? Evan doesn’t need to use pity, Carly doesn’t have any other options. The men are ready to put the first-week girls on the scrap heap.

Andrée: I don’t like this girl for Nick. She’s boring.

Elaine: Jen isn’t that exciting but she’s Nick’s best option for some island sexy time.

Andrée: I cannot believe Evan’s pity routine is working on Carly. My husband just said this is literally “bumping uglies”. Well said.

Elaine: Mr. H is, as always, spot on.

Andrée: Jen looks remarkably hotter with her hair wet.

Elaine: That takes talent. My wet hair just looks wet.

Andrée: Me too,  get the whole drowned rat look going on, it really doesn’t work for me. I hope that Sarah goes home. That’s the only thing l care about with this rose ceremony.

Elaine: It’s time to get rid of some of the originals. Sarah and the twins are past their sell-by date. The men aren’t paying any attention to them. Frankly, Izzy and Vinny and Lace and Grant aren’t doing anything entertaining but I guess the show needs some extras to mill around in the background. The only thing Sarah has done is insert herself into the Chad drama.

Andrée: Nick nailed it on the head with the Ashley/Jared situation. It’s not love. It’s totally an obsession. She needs to hear this.

Elaine: I love Nick for bluntly telling her: “You will never be with Jared.” OMG wish-fulfillment so soon! Okay, I know I’m supposed to ignore the spoilers, but I peeked and it looks like we’re getting some new blood. The show better not punk me. I genuinely enjoyed this episode. You may have converted me into being a true BIP fan.

Bachelor in Paradise airs on Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC

Andrée H

Chad has become an obsession for me. If they don’t name him The Bachelor I’m totally going to quit. If you aren’t already, I recommend following his Twitter His commentary on this show is my everything –We’ve got to get him on the recap team!

Andrée: Chris Harrison’s premature ejaculation jokes about Evan in the previews just made my entire week.

Elaine: Evan’s profession is looking at limp penises all day, he probably gets that a lot.

Andrée: Evan is interrupting Josh and Amanda mid lip-lock. What is he thinking? If I were Amanda, I’d of just said,  “Hell, no.” She looks mortified sitting at that dinner.

Elaine: And once again: Denied. Oh, man! Evan interrupted for a second time to tell Amanda about how Andi Dorfman’s book depicts Josh as emotionally abusive. That is believable; it’s mean how Josh is so intent on making Nick’s life miserable. That said, Evan is a tattle-tale and thinks this will get him actual tail. No, Evan, Amanda will not be turned on by gossip. 

Andrée: Of course, we have to have the standard: “You are falling for the bad boy,” schtick. Chad is gone so Evan needed to find a new bear to poke. Let’s break Evan down: He’s a pussy man who likes to antagonize real men and he fixes dicks for a living. Perhaps he should be on Bear Island? 

Elaine: In the gay community “bear” means something else. No shade, just fact.

Andrée: Oh, I know, that’s why I think he’d be happy on Bear Island. He’s clearly a cub. So according to Evan, people who like motivational quotes are covering a lot of pain? That’s a load of bs.

Elaine: Dance like nobody’s watching, Evan.

Andrée: Rose ceremony time. Lace will give her rose to Grant; that’s a given. Vinny and Izzy, yup. Twins and Jared. Amanda and Josh. Sarah and Daniel. Carly better give her rose to Nick because I would much rather have him around than Evan. Booo! She gave it to Evan. And he’s completely in love with her again. Oh, the other twin gets to give a rose. Well, I hope that she picks Nick. I don’t want Nick to leave. Yay, Haley picked Nick!  The twins served a purpose for once.

Elaine: Whew, I’m happy Nick is staying, but what the hell is up with Carly? I guess she had to make a strategic choice and stick with Evan because none of the men are into her.

Andrée: I don’t understand her thinking. You are probably right, though, if Carly gave Nick her rose she would have no chance of reciprocation the following week. Caila (the would-be Bachelorette, had Ben not told JoJo he loved her) has arrived. This should stir up some jealousy.

Elaine:  Oh, yeah. The men are going to lose their shit. Caila is so petite, bubbly and has that lovely dark hair. Wait, I think I just lost my shit over Caila. I don’t want Mr. TV Recaps giving me side-eye.

Andrée:  Caila and Jared  make a cute couple. I’m interested to see how this date goes. OMG, Jared is going to ditch the twin so he can go on the date with Caila, that’s great.

Elaine: Of course, he is. The twins are so basic.

Andrée: Side note: Jared got totally sucked into this whole messy thing last summer with the crying Kardashian, so it is good to see him stand his ground.

Elaine: The crying Kardashian stalked Jared, right? Is that the season when Carly’s heart was crushed? If so, I’ll watch it. I’m addicted to the drama.

Andrée: Oh yes, she’s been stalking him for a year. It’s also the season Carly’s heart was crushed. It’s got me hooked! Emily is hilarious, bitching about Caila being too perfect. Nothing like hating someone for no reason. Jealousy is an ugly look. Be hurt, but don’t hate.

Elaine: You just laid down some real philosophy.

Andrée: It’s the booze talking! Horseback riding on the beach! Now there is a fun date! I would fall in love on this date for sure. I really would like to see Jared end up with a nice girl and Caila seems like a really nice girl. And after her convenience store hot tub date on Ben’s season, she deserves nice things too.

Elaine: Caila probably has nightmares about being sandwiched between Ben and Kevin Hart at a Wal-Mart. The franchise owes her big time.

Andrée: Double date! That’s fun! Lace, Grant, Izzy and Vinny. Kind of a boring crew but Lace should be enough to keep things spicy.

Elaine: Are you watching the previews again? That scene didn’t happen yet.

Andrée: Perhaps, it’s all blurring together! Watching Jared dump Emily was rough. I do feel bad for her but when you lead with the slutty twin act what can you expect?

Elaine: Dollar bills in your G-string? An STD? I’m just spitballing here

Andrée: HaHaHa! Seriously, though. A failed waitress in Vegas? This right here is why you don’t watch the previews. Chad didn’t knock Evan out and cause him to be in an ambulance, alcohol did. Lame.

Elaine: Chad has been gone for weeks. He’s not going suddenly to parachute in to beat up Evan. The medics are there because he drank too much? What a girly man he is. Evan probably had one wine spritzer. I’m quite certain that I’ve consumed far more alcohol while writing this recap and you don’t see me on a stretcher. Oh, dear God–Evan and Carly are touching each other.

Andrée: I guess we are viewing how gross, pathetic guys lockdown gross, pathetic women. I need a drink. Oh shit, they’ve sent Lace to a nightclub. FOAM PARTY! This is going to get messy in more ways than one. They are at Seňor Frogs! I have had some messsssy times at Seňor Frogs.

Elaine:  ¡Dios mío!

Andrée: I have gone back twice and still can’t figure out why Lace is pissed at that rando. I think because she looked at her funny.

Elaine: I’m ignoring this entire Seňor Frogs segment.

Andrée: Poor Nick. I hope a hottie shows up right now, and he gets with her.

Elaine: I wasn’t a fan, but I do feel kind of bad for him. Did he get cuter? When Josh breaks Amanda’s heart, I want to see her go running back to Nick so he can reject her. It would serve her right.

Andrée: Something about seeing a man constantly be the second choice somehow does make him cuter. He’s like the last puppy left at the pound; you just want to cuddle him. ASHLEY I!!! Kardashian Barbie!!!! YAY!!! She got a slightly dramatic entrance but nowhere as good as Chad’s. Get ready for a wave of tears baby! Ashley I. has arrived!!!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC

Bachelor in Paradise

After the last  episode I’m left with an empty hole that can only be filled by Chad. Unfortunately, the only Chad in my life will now be his Snapchat so let’s buckle in and hope the twins get interesting real quick!

Andrée: Oh this one is only 42 minutes! Sweet! Not sure I could handle 3 hours of Bachelor on a weekly basis!

Elaine: Agreed; I’m embarrassed enough when Mr. TV Recaps catches me watching.

Andrée: I’m trying to not watch the previews but it looks like this entire episode is going to be  about crushing Evan’s soul and I’m into that.

Elaine: Word.

Andrée: I love Daniel the Canadian. However,  I do not think a shave is going to be enough to help Evan out.

Elaine: Daniel is so sweet and optimistic. It’s like the time he advised Chad to not act like Hitler or Mussolini or Trump. If only our Chad would have listened. Sigh.

Andrée: Watching Evan get dumped is pretty fun for me. Chad must be at home loving this. One Chad-hating loser down, one to go.

Elaine: Carly is handling this awkward attempt to let him down easy. I mean, she’s being as kind as she can to a man who makes her vomit.

Andrée: No Evan, you don’t deserve love. You deserve erectile dysfunction.

Elaine:  Oh, good lord, Evan is sobbing? He is getting more girly with each sob. He needs a tub of ice cream, a bottle of white wine and a Lifetime movie. That’s how his fellow ladies handle this sort of thing.

Andrée: Oooh, one-armed Sarah and Christian get to zip-line and rappel off a cliff next to a waterfall. That’s a fun date. I am just so mad at her with the whole Chad thing I can’t ever like her again.

Elaine: Yeah, it looks like fun … for someone else, I’m about massages and wine tastings.  I admire Sarah’s moxie when it comes to physical challenges; I don’t admire how she inserted herself in the Chad situation. She was looking for drama and stirred the pot.

Andrée: Agreed, she should have been focusing on trying to make a man like her. Yes, Evan, you should pack your bags and go. Mr. H says the best thing for him is probably suicide. I’ll have to agree with him on that one.

Elaine: Strong words.

Andrée: Brandon from Desiree’s season?!??! Even Chris H. doesn’t remember him. I sure as hell don’t remember him. Ditch this loser.

Elaine:  Wow, you are extra feisty today. He is probably one of those guys who got dumped the first night. I can’t imagine that he’d make it through more than two rose ceremonies. Back to Evan,one of these guys thinks Evan might drown himself. So you and Mr. H. are not alone when it comes to suicide.

Andrée: I think Christian is a butterface. Hot six-pack but weird little bug face.

Elaine: Wow, you really are drinking Haterade. He’s okayish. He’s no Mr. TV Recaps or Mr. H.

Andrée: I have had a couple of bottles of Haterade today it’s true. It’s actually cute that Daniel the Canadian made his own date. I just hate that he is going after Sarah.

Elaine: Making his own date is truly brilliant. There is no accounting for taste. That’s all I’ll say about that now. If I had to pick between Christian and Daniel, this ballsy move would give Daniel the win.

Andrée: So it’s Brandon and Hayley on this dinner date. How exciting. Hayley’s big plan is to pull a twin switch on them and see if he can tell. What a way to get a guy. He’s massively failing this twin twist.

Elaine: I like the way Hayley acts humble about her hotness. I can’t believe Brandon didn’t figure it out when he had to answer the same question twice. He should not have been so insistent that he could tell them apart.

Andrée: Evan is going to attempt to interrupt Amanda making out with someone to bring her to dinner. This guy has a death wish. Nooooo….To Be Continued. I want to see how that will play out.

Elaine: Oooh, this is going to be excellent.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays an Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC

Get ready for Andrée H. Our Bachelor Nation analyst and proud Canadian ambassador breaks down Bachelor in Paradise’s “Most (insert adjective) episode EVER.” Take it away, Andrée!

I know this will be the last moments of Chad for this summer, so I am ready to savor it!! Of course, I’ll still be following him on Snapchat! I was excited for the weekend to be over and this episode to be on! I know I’ll always have social media Chad, but it’s not the same as the romanticized Bachelorette Chad.

Andrée: I don’t know this Josh Murray guy, but he seems like a jerk, so he could make things more interesting. Poor Chad he is such a wreck. I wonder if he is always this drunk or if it’s solely because he’s in a crazed mourning period.

Elaine: I can’t believe that we only got to see Chad on the car ride home. I’m a Chad apologist. It’s the mourning. He’s in that self-destructive mode. He’s also in that drinks-too-much mode. I don’t know who these people are. Question: Do only castoffs appear on this show? Can a past Bachelor or Bachelorette be on the show?

Andrée: You know who Chad is and he’s the most important guy! I am pretty sure no past winners, just past rejectees.

Elaine: That is too bad for JoJo. I’m inclined to believe your theory that Jordan loves ambition, not poor JoJo.

Andrée: You should see Chad’s Twitter on that–he keeps posting news stories about how Jordan has no interest in JoJo — it’s great! If there are too many girls, they should just get rid of Carly. I can’t stand her. New girl — Leah, I do not remember her from Ben’s season. I love that she wants to date Chad, though! Sorry girl, no Chad Bear for you! 

Elaine: Which one is Carly? I don’t remember Leah; she’s pretty in a pretty kind of way.

Andrée: Carly is the very forgettable short blonde girl. Leah is very pretty, so, of course, the twins have serious jealousy issues.

Elaine: Those Bootleg Barbies have a lot of nerve mocking anyone’s plastic surgery.

Andrée: HA! It’s date time. Man, these Bachelor in Paradise dates are so low-budget.

Elaine: The franchise uses all of its date budget for plane rides, fireworks and hot tubs on The Bachelor/Bachelorette. So Nick is the catch-of-the-day, I guess.

Nick seems to have made a career out of being part of the franchise. Both Leah and Amanda are into Nick, and the other girls just sit around giggling about him;  Leah selected Nick to go out on a date and then the show gave us a twist, Nick gets to choose any girl for a same-night date. Oooh, Nick picks Amanda instead of Leah! All of these blondes look the same to me so maybe he can’t tell them apart either. Leah thought she had a claim on him. Buuurn!

Andrée: I love this show because it’s a lot like real life. You have an amazing date, then he’s boinking the next girl. I’m surprised they didn’t bring on another guy to replace Chad. Now we know — two bitches getting chopped.

Elaine: Hopefully it’s one of the random girls who I don’t recognize or care about. Wow, Amanda and Nick are kissing, Leah is walking around crying like she just broke up with her boyfriend. Girl, you have only been there one day.

Andrée: One-armed girl getting some action. I’d be happy for her but she took away Chad, so I hate her.

Elaine: I did feel bad for Sarah her during her season; the show kept throwing her into situations that were suited for two arms like roller derby. That said, I was never on Team Sarah, and she was an anti-Chad ringleader, so it would be satisfying to see her go next.

Andrée: Must feel nice for Nick to finally get to reject a woman.

Elaine: Right, he’s been a rejected a few times. I remember that much. He doesn’t seem as much of a jackass now. Leah is a catty stalker. Her mission in life is to act all Fatal Attraction with Nick and say mean things about Amanda. She’s coming off as desperate, which would seem to be a turn-off but I think these guys are into whichever one is always DTF.

Andrée: In all honesty though if I were there, I’d be looking for the DTF ones too! One fun thing I like about this show is they save some of the desirables ’till l late in the show, so the people holding out for them have to suck up to losers for roses. It’s great.

Elaine: I like the way you give me tutorials on this show.

Andrée: I do what I can to keep you intrigued

The Canadian is the best. “I’m an eagle and I’m not going to drop down to pigeon level.” He’s my new fave. Daniel for the win.

Elaine: Daniel is one of the most interesting ones so far. I will always appreciate him for advising Chad not to act like Hitler, Mussolini or Trump.

Andrée: Too bad Chad didn’t take that advice!

God, Carly sucks. So does Evan. If they keep each other around all summer, I’ll cry.

Elaine: I just don’t see it with Evan. He hasn’t convinced me that he’s into women.

Andrée: I wouldn’t mind seeing Evan get booted to Fluffer Island. Make his job getting the other guys ready for some on-camera sex. I think he’d be happy there. Kick off the one-armed girl so we can have Chad back!! Vinny didn’t pick her so we are one step closer to her being gone!

Booo! Daniel gave his rose to Sarah. Whyyyyyyy? Now Jubilee is gone. Sad

Elaine: I love my chocolate sister, Jubilee and wanted her to find love–at least until the season wraps. Alas, she refuses to understand that you have to be a needy, stalkerish, alcoholic slut to get anywhere in Paradise. Grace and dignity will get you nowhere, girl. She even cries pretty. God, I love her.

I liked Jared, from what I can remember of him, but choosing the Doublemint Twins over Jubilee, makes him namby-pamby. Or maybe he recognizes that Jubilee is a lady and he can’t measure up. I’m actually sorry to see Leah go. It would be nice to have someone to hate-watch. I hope she is replaced by another haughty hater. I’ll miss her pathetic attempts to compete with Amanda. She cries ugly.

Andrée: We don’t really have any excellent villainesses on this season yet, I suppose maybe Lace.

Jubilee needed to have made her intentions known. Keeping quiet on this show will get you nowhere.

I didn’t watch Andi’s season because Andi sucks balls, but apparently this Josh dude and Nick were the final two and Josh crushed him, so there is your background ha-ha.

Elaine: I watched Andi’s season. It was the pits. If I remember correctly, Nick was the jerk. I probably rooted for Josh, but I don’t remember him at all.

Andrée: I definitely remember Nick as being the guy who had sex with Kaitlyn on her season–I will never, ever forget that. Nor will Shawn.

Josh goes straight for Nick’s girl, of course. He seems pretty douchey. He might be a good Chad replacement.

Elaine: Nope. It takes more than douchiness to replace my Chad–who is simply misunderstood. I bet Josh eats more carbs than protein and doesn’t bring the air of danger that he might lovingly hog tie you in a cabin. Josh is no Chad.

Andrée: Josh, however, has some sort of life-long wish to completely humiliate another dude on TV, and I can totally get behind that.

At least Amanda and Josh get to go on a boat for their date. It feels like a portion of a Bachelor date at least.

Elaine: True. But Josh seems like a douche. I’m now firmly on Team Nick.

Andrée: I am too, Nick is like a little lost puppy just searching for someone to take him in.

Andi wrote a tell-all. Why does that not surprise me? I thought Nick’s answer about the book seemed sly. I know nothing about it so I can’t really comment past that.

Elaine: Now I want to read it. Kind of. And by that I mean, just read the passages about Josh since Nick describes Josh’s portrayal as “aggressive” and “disturbing.”

Andrée: Me too, but I don’t want to support Andi or acknowledge her existence, so I refuse! Andi’s season is my proof that I can and will abstain from my favorite show due to terrible casting. So let’s see a decent Bachelor — aka The Chad.

Here we go, another date, but it’s with two losers I  hate–Carly and Evan–so I probably won’t comment. HAHAHAHA their date is a competition to kiss with habaneros in their mouths, Okay, okay, I’ll comment: They are literally torturing the losers. I love this show.

Elaine: I’m starting to see what makes this show such trashy goodness.

Andrée:  Eat those peppers and suffer. SUFFER. In all fairness, it’s good she isn’t doing this with someone she wants to kiss because this would probably ruin wanting to kiss that person again forever. EWWWW she’s kissing him. So gross. Their noses are running. Yuck. At least they get to leave with a world record under their belts, I guess.

Elaine: If I remembered Carly, I’d be disappointed in her.

Andrée: Funny story: Last year she was one of the couples that hooked up on Day 1, then a week before it was all over, the dude just up and left. Carly was CONVINCED she was getting a proposal. She was guttered. I laughed my ass off.

She’s actually from the stupid farmer’s season, whatever the hell his name was. She was the “country singer” who took every opportunity to try to push her singing career in the name of putting her feelings out there. She couldn’t even remotely stand up against Kaitlyn and Britt. I hated her then and I hate her now. But I loved watching her have to eat hot peppers and kiss Evan. Kind of made up for no Chad — almost.

And Josh steals Nick’s woman again. Unreal.

Elaine: Now I’m definitely Team Nick. Josh is sketchy.

Another episode bites the dust! Hopefully, the backlash is more interesting than the woman stealing. Trying to not watch the previews, but knowing that Evan is going to try after the hottest commodity in the house while she’s mid-makeout does get me excited.

Bachelor in Paradise airs on Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

It’s here!! After barely making it through yet another terrible season of The Bachelorette, I have finally obtained the reward for my suffering, and I expect this season of Bachelor in Paradise to make it all worth it! We’ve been promised fights, rage, ambulances, tears, multiple proposals, potential baby-making, and most of all, it’s the summer of Chad baby! Before we get going on this episode, I urge you all to get on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram and show your support for an actually interesting season of The Bachelor – #ChadForBachelor – let’s make this happen! Then pour a drink and sit back and relax, as we journey to paradise together!

Andrée: I’m  guilty of watching the previews so many times. It makes me excited, but also nervous that all these awesome previews are going to turn out to be lame. At least we’ll have Jorge. We better have Jorge!

Elaine: You told me not to watch the previews and you are not abiding by your own words. That said, I totally went against the rules, and I’m watching the previews and I had better not be deceived. Again. Who is Jorge?

Andrée: Jorge is the bartender in paradise. I follow him on Instagram. He’s great.

Elaine: Ugh, those damn Las Vegas twins are back. Just so you know, I will never reference them ever again.

Nick says he was considered a villain. That was before Chad, baby.

Jubilee! I love her so much. She is my chocolate sister.

Evan or “Yvonne” as Chad calls him is on the show? Booooo!

How do you feel about them mocking Daniel’s Canadian accent?

Andrée: Psh, nothing about these twins is marriage material.

I love Daniel’s accent, though they definitely picked the most Canadian sounding guy they could find.

I love Nick. I’m into this.

Elaine: “Love” is a strong word. But I have come to appreciate Nick. I think Nick’s s gotten better looking. He’s less pasty and the years have been kind.

Andrée: THE CHAD PREVIEW!!!!!! Hello Chad! Hello muscles! Hello Pumpkin! I have fallen in love with Pumpkin from Chad’s Instagram.

Elaine:  Yessssssss! I love him so much. Regardless of the way he is contractually required to be the villain.

Look at his little dog! I love men with dogs. A man with a toy dog named Pumpkin is comfortable with his masculinity.

We have an 8-pound Papillon and Mr. TV Recaps is not ashamed to take him out for a walk. That’s what a real man does. It worries me that Chad thinks Lace is an appropriate romantic choice. 

Andrée: Why the hell is Carly back? I I know she was brutally dumped last year, but booo, she sucks. I don’t remember Izzy.

Elaine: I’m telling you now, I don’t know who these people are. I don’t remember them and I don’t care to remember them. I care about Chad, my girl Jubilee and watching Chad curb stomp Evan and his erectile dysfunction.

Andrée: Jorge!!! I’m so excited.  Jubilee!!! I’m so excited. How is this not going to be the best season ever?

Elaine: Why does Jubilee like Evan? I mean in a friendly way? He should be shunned.

Andrée: I know you are probably happy Evan is here because he will poke Chad the bear but god I hate to have to see his mug.

Elaine: It’s not that I’m happy, but you know I enjoy a good fistfight. Chad can just bitch-slap him. I would like to see this whole thing go Lord of the Flies and Evan would end up with his head on a stick.

Andrée: Daniel really is like herpes. Woah and he wants to switch teams. Well, that could make for an interesting summer!

Elaine: Daniel is not charming me at all. He is a bad representative of Canadians.

I love that Jubilee wants to meet Chad because he might be “savage” and says, “I like savage people.” Miss Jubilee, you are my sister from another mister. Get it, girl. You get that Chad lovin’. 

Daniel is no Justin Trudeau. Justin Trudeau is the best man to represent your fine country, eh?

Andrée: Daniel gives Canadians such a bad name.

Elaine: Chad! Yessssss!!!!!! So glad to see him. I like that they are already giving him ominous music. Chad is just misunderstood.

Andrée: They are having too much fun building up Chad’s entrance. I am so happy he’s finally here, I was worried that they were going to save him for later.

Elaine: That would be a disservice to the audience.

Andrée: Next random faceless dude. Oh shit, Chad stole that guy’s girlfriend and posted about it on his Snapchat yesterday, it was so funny.

Elaine: That Chad is a girlfriend-stealing rascal.

Andrée: OMG, Daniel called the women  poodles, yorkies and washed- up stray dogs.

Excellent, the summer has started. BAHAHA then he moves on to say the fruit has been bruised in transportation. Why am I not surprised that Daniel wants the twins?

Who the hell is Izzy? I don’t know this girl. Daniel must be loaded off his ass already.

Elaine: Once again, I will not acknowledge most of these people unless their names are Chad or Jubilee.

Andrée: Lace!!! Jared has to be here because we all know Kardashian Barbie is going to be on this season.

Elaine: I will add drunk-ass Lace to my list of islanders to comment on. I shouldn’t call her that, maybe she’s sober now. I really just can’t with Kardashian Barbie. I will not acknowledge her unless necessary.

Andrée: Jubilee needs to learn to pounce quick on this show or she’ll be left roseless for sure.

Andrée: “I’m going to let the liquor do the driving and go into booze control,”  Hahahaha! Daniel is killing me with these one-liners.

Andrée: Grant was just saying earlier that he would feel sorry for anyone who got into a relationship with Lace, and now he’s drunk and all about her.

Yessss, now Lace is going for Chad. This is great. I’m having a blast, now they are heading to the handjob hot tub!!! This could get messy.

Elaine: Heh. You are so NSFW. So, Chad and Lace like it rough, I see.

Andrée: What is wrong with a little choking during sex?

Elaine: I didn’t know that was really a thing until I saw it on Tumblr. I’ll pass, thank you very much.

Andrée: I have been more entertained by this hot tub scene than the entire season of The Bachelorette. Lace is actually a pretty good match for Chad. They are a perfect hot mess together.

Elaine: I didn’t realize that Chad got this messy. His insistence on saying “Dollar, Dollar bill Ya’ll” is having a negative impact on my crush.

Andrée: Oh right, I forgot there was a date going on. Jubilee and Jared, here we go. I should preface that when they say Bachelor- style dates, they mean low-budget dates that are nothing like Bachelor dates.

Andrée: Yes Chad, tie me up and make me smell like peppermint.

Elaine:  I’m gonna say his pick-up lines are iffy but that doesn’t sound so bad. I like peppermint and prefer it to being choked out.

Andrée: I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see what’s going to go down with Chad and Lace. Chad is LOADED. LOADED. Daniel probably shouldn’t be bringing up the Hitler stuff again.

Elaine: I believe Chad’s drinks were laced. See what I did there?

I think Daniel is trying to be helpful when he advises Chad not to behave like a dictator who was responsible for genocide. It might be better to say something like, “Hey, bud. Slow down.”

Andrée: Hahaha…Now Chad is lying on the beach shredding paper.

Elaine: Chad’s just tired and cranky. My little dog has been known to shred tissues.

Andrée: OMG. He just said “F*ck that one-armed b*tch.” Chhhaaad! He’s totally going to get kicked off. Boooooo. I am über’ pissed at Sarah right now. Oh yes, knock Evan out, at least give us that. No such luck. Chad is going to have one hell of a hangover.

Elaine: Sarah did insert herself into the situation, they all did. Shouldn’t they all be busy contracting STDs and minding their own business? Instead, they are being looky-loos spying on Chad and Lace. That said, his digs at Sarah–not cool.

Andrée:  Naked Chad! Naked Chad!

Elaine: Enjoy while you can.

Andrée: Oh, my lord he shat his pants.

Elaine: We don’t know that for a fact. It’s a smear campaign…

Andrée: He really called Sarah “Army McArmenson.” Wow Chad, wow.

Elaine: Making fun of Sarah’s missing limb is a bridge too far.

Andrée: Lace was the same as Chad. It is kind of bullshit that everyone is calling out Chad and not Lace. I guess it’s a bit hard to come back from saying he wants to murder everyone.

Elaine: Dammit, Chad, you didn’t think about how this would affect Andrée and me.

Andrée: In one night Chad managed to turn things from paradise to hell. You told everyone on this staff to go suck a d**k. HAHAHAHA.

Elaine: Chad is not one to go quietly.

Andrée: This is such BS. We didn’t even get to see Chad knockout Evan. BOOOO! Chad refuses to leave. Yes, Chad, Yes.

Lace is being so high-and-mighty right now. Poor Chad. This is messed up. He got up and is leaving quietly. Said it too soon, he just smashed his mic. Threw his shoes. Telling the crab to go fu*ck himself. Telling Chris Harrison: “You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. You didn’t even watch the show. What are you going to do?” I am smiling ear-to-ear.

Elaine: The idea of Chris Harrison sipping a bedtime mimosa tickles me; don’t back down, Chad. I mean, he has already shot himself in the foot, might as well keep it going.

Andrée: Chad telling Chris to go fu*ck himself and mocking his mimosas is DEFINITELY making the show better for me. What an ending. That was awesome. OMG broke the rules, watched the previews and Chad is back next week. YES! YES! YES!

Elaine: Come on, give Chad a second chance. Nick and Jake Pavelka and plenty of other shady characters got a second or third chance.

I suppose my dream of that Jubilee/Chad romance has died. I even had a portmanteau for them #Chase.

What sucks for me is that I ignored everyone on this show and now I have to learn about them. Speaking of Jubilee. I didn’t realize that the BIP dates were so lame. Do they just take them to another part of the island? Jubilee and Jared did make a valiant effort to pretend a table surrounded by streamers and piñatas is magical. And I’m glad Jubilee is trying to loosen up, but she made two rookie errors: Telling Jared that everyone described him as “nice” was not going to make him feel manly; I appreciate her geekiness but I’m not sure the Lord of The Rings conversation stoked the romance.

I kind of remember Jared and thinking he is kinda cute.  He lost points with me. Why the producers sent a mute clown to that streamer-festooned hellscape is beyond me, but when Jubilee jumped and screamed, I noticed that Jared jumped up and tried to get away rather than run toward his date to find out why she was screaming. That makes him a wimp and I don’t like him. 

Andrée: One episode in and loving it so far. Basically, the entire episode was Chad. It was glorious. It was so worth watching Ben and JoJo’s craptacular seasons. What do you think, Elaine? Totally in love? Give us BIP in one sentence to finish things off.

Elaine. Let’s work through the pain, Chad.

Bachelor in Paradise airs on Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.