Bachelor in Paradise: Week 4, Night 2
The only thing better than mocking Bachelor in Paradise is mocking with reality show philosopher, Andrée H. It’s cat fight time! Bring it on, Andrée! — Elaine F.
Andrée: Two people I don’t know or care about broke up. So sad.
Elaine: This Izzy/Vinny split would be more dramatic if we had ever seen this allegedly intense romance. Vinny is attractive and seems like a good man; he can do waaaay better. I think Izzy in for a big surprise with Lamp Guy.
Andrée: Why on earth would you go for Lamp Guy in the first place? He showed up with a lamp — twice. He stole from a hotel room– twice. This guy sucks. Yay! Jade and Tanner!
Elaine: Oh, that’s the couple that got married. See? I know something about this show. Oooh, the newlyweds get to select a promising couple to send on a date! Ashley is holding her breath.
Andrée: Yes! Jade was the Playboy model from the farmer’s season, and Tanner was a cutie from Kaitlyn’s! Poor Ashley I., Jade and Tanner are not on her side; Sending Jared and Caila off on the super romantic date to fall in love!
Elaine: Good call, Tanner.
Andrée: Looks like our little Nick might have finally found a girl that really likes him!
Elaine: Good for Nick!
Andrée: I am totally bored with Jared and Caila as a couple. Without Ashley I. lurking, there is nothing compelling there.
Elaine: They look cute, but I’m firmly Team Caila. Of course, a crazed stalker makes it more exciting for Jared and Caila. I think my girl, Caila, knows she can extend her franchise participation. Unless Jared sweeps her off her feet, she’s planning on another season in Paradise and thinking she could be The Bachelorette. It’s a long shot, but I’d be pleased.
Andrée: I highly doubt she’ll ever be The Bachelorette. She’s not compelling enough to make it unless it was right after her season and JoJo hadn’t stolen the crown by getting told she was loved. I find Ashley sexier than Caila, but the crying doesn’t help her case any.
Elaine: Really? I just see Ashley as a broke-down carnival act. Caila isn’t isn’t shooting for overlty sexy, she’s going with cute, sweet, bubbly and flirty.
Andrée: To me, she is too Plain Jane. I like my glamour girls! I think Carly saying that Evan is asexual is being a little too kind. I mean his opening sequence is him downing a banana…
Elaine: I will not address this scene in the sweat lodge. They deserve each other, and I refuse to type their names again.
Andrée: It’s another shitty date. Sitting in the dirt listening to chanting. Fun times. She’s referring to her lady boner. Carly and Evan do deserve each other.
Elaine: Ashley I. calling Caila fake is a fascinating observation from a woman who fakes tears and her virginity.
Andrée: Ashley is a total f-cking psycho. She is going well out of her way to try to break up Jared and Caila.
Elaine: It is delicious to ponder. Either she is a psycho or a poor actress. You know, I’m going to walk something back. If Ashley’s antics remotely resemble her real life, the virgin story is slightly more credible. I don’t know, and you ask Mr. H if he would go near her with a ten-foot pole.
Andrée: Mr. H might do a one-night stand with her, but that would be the extent of it. I believe it; I think she was into being a virgin for a while then decided she didn’t want to wait for marriage but wanted to wait for love as a coverup for being scared that she will suck at sex. That’s what every virgin I’ve ever met is like. The fact that she goes so over the top with her looks is overcompensation for fear of terrible lovemaking. Jared is such an idiot to take anything Ashley says with a grain of salt. Caila is pissed. I would be too. That was a quick and pretty boring episode. It was the first boring episode of the season, so I’ll give it a pass.
Elaine: Are you out of your freaking mind? This episode was great. It started with a breakup, trash-talk and tears from a couple we have never seen together! That, right, there gave the episode a ludicrous moment. Jade and Tanner visited to flaunt their happiness and also up the Ashley/Jared/Caila drama by picking Jared and Caila as the couple with the most potential. That led to more tears and theatrics from Kardashian Barbie. The show was nice enough to give us a long break to refill our wine glasses because of the freakshow couple, whom I will not name, was on a date. My only quibble is that I expected a vicious catfight. That Caila is a sly little thing. Referring to herself and Jared as “we” made Ashley even crazier. Have I made a solid argument?
Andrée: I think you have. Caila needs to play it up for the cameras more and get into a catfight though if she wants me to shift my support to her. Ashley I is ready to throw down, and I respect that for my viewing pleasure!