Bachelor in Paradise: Week 1

Bachelor in Paradise  promo  photoBachelor in Paradise  promo  photoThere are many things that make our happy-go-lucky Special Contributor Andrée H. smile: her proud Canadian heritage, mimosas and Bachelor in Paradise. While The Bachelor and The Bachelorette tend to make her sleepy and grumpy, this groundbreaking gift from the TV gods pleases her. And so, she will bring her philosophy and analysis to the third season. On a personal note, I have no idea what the point of this whole thing is, but I trust Andrée to lead the way. Let’s go! — Elaine F.

It’s here!! After barely making it through yet another terrible season of The Bachelorette, I have finally obtained the reward for my suffering, and I expect this season of Bachelor in Paradise to make it all worth it! We’ve been promised fights, rage, ambulances, tears, multiple proposals, potential baby-making, and most of all, it’s the summer of Chad baby! Before we get going on this episode, I urge you all to get on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram and show your support for an actually interesting season of The Bachelor – #ChadForBachelor – let’s make this happen! Then pour a drink and sit back and relax, as we journey to paradise together!

Paradise 3--Chad cast photo

Hi, Chad! Bye, Chad!

Andrée: I’m  guilty of watching the previews so many times. It makes me excited, but also nervous that all these awesome previews are going to turn out to be lame. At least we’ll have Jorge. We better have Jorge!

Elaine: You told me not to watch the previews and you are not abiding by your own words. That said, I totally went against the rules, and I’m watching the previews and I had better not be deceived. Again. Who is Jorge?

Andrée: Jorge is the bartender in paradise. I follow him on Instagram. He’s great.

Elaine: Ugh, those damn Las Vegas twins are back. Just so you know, I will never reference them ever again.

Nick says he was considered a villain. That was before Chad, baby.

Jubilee! I love her so much. She is my chocolate sister.

Evan or “Yvonne” as Chad calls him is on the show? Booooo!

How do you feel about them mocking Daniel’s Canadian accent?

Andrée: Psh, nothing about these twins is marriage material.

I love Daniel’s accent, though they definitely picked the most Canadian sounding guy they could find.

I love Nick. I’m into this.

Elaine: “Love” is a strong word. But I have come to appreciate Nick. I think Nick’s s gotten better looking. He’s less pasty and the years have been kind.

Andrée: THE CHAD PREVIEW!!!!!! Hello Chad! Hello muscles! Hello Pumpkin! I have fallen in love with Pumpkin from Chad’s Instagram.

Elaine:  Yessssssss! I love him so much. Regardless of the way he is contractually required to be the villain.

Look at his little dog! I love men with dogs. A man with a toy dog named Pumpkin is comfortable with his masculinity.

We have an 8-pound Papillon and Mr. TV Recaps is not ashamed to take him out for a walk. That’s what a real man does. It worries me that Chad thinks Lace is an appropriate romantic choice. 

Andrée: Why the hell is Carly back? I I know she was brutally dumped last year, but booo, she sucks. I don’t remember Izzy.

Elaine: I’m telling you now, I don’t know who these people are. I don’t remember them and I don’t care to remember them. I care about Chad, my girl Jubilee and watching Chad curb stomp Evan and his erectile dysfunction.

Andrée: Jorge!!! I’m so excited.  Jubilee!!! I’m so excited. How is this not going to be the best season ever?

Elaine: Why does Jubilee like Evan? I mean in a friendly way? He should be shunned.

Andrée: I know you are probably happy Evan is here because he will poke Chad the bear but god I hate to have to see his mug.

Elaine: It’s not that I’m happy, but you know I enjoy a good fistfight. Chad can just bitch-slap him. I would like to see this whole thing go Lord of the Flies and Evan would end up with his head on a stick.

Andrée: Daniel really is like herpes. Woah and he wants to switch teams. Well, that could make for an interesting summer!

Elaine: Daniel is not charming me at all. He is a bad representative of Canadians.

I love that Jubilee wants to meet Chad because he might be “savage” and says, “I like savage people.” Miss Jubilee, you are my sister from another mister. Get it, girl. You get that Chad lovin’. 

Daniel is no Justin Trudeau. Justin Trudeau is the best man to represent your fine country, eh?

Andrée: Daniel gives Canadians such a bad name.

Elaine: Chad! Yessssss!!!!!! So glad to see him. I like that they are already giving him ominous music. Chad is just misunderstood.

Andrée: They are having too much fun building up Chad’s entrance. I am so happy he’s finally here, I was worried that they were going to save him for later.

Elaine: That would be a disservice to the audience.

Andrée: Next random faceless dude. Oh shit, Chad stole that guy’s girlfriend and posted about it on his Snapchat yesterday, it was so funny.

Elaine: That Chad is a girlfriend-stealing rascal.

Andrée: OMG, Daniel called the women  poodles, yorkies and washed- up stray dogs.

Excellent, the summer has started. BAHAHA then he moves on to say the fruit has been bruised in transportation. Why am I not surprised that Daniel wants the twins?

Who the hell is Izzy? I don’t know this girl. Daniel must be loaded off his ass already.

Elaine: Once again, I will not acknowledge most of these people unless their names are Chad or Jubilee.

Andrée: Lace!!! Jared has to be here because we all know Kardashian Barbie is going to be on this season.

Elaine: I will add drunk-ass Lace to my list of islanders to comment on. I shouldn’t call her that, maybe she’s sober now. I really just can’t with Kardashian Barbie. I will not acknowledge her unless necessary.

Andrée: Jubilee needs to learn to pounce quick on this show or she’ll be left roseless for sure.

Andrée: “I’m going to let the liquor do the driving and go into booze control,”  Hahahaha! Daniel is killing me with these one-liners.

Andrée: Grant was just saying earlier that he would feel sorry for anyone who got into a relationship with Lace, and now he’s drunk and all about her.

Yessss, now Lace is going for Chad. This is great. I’m having a blast, now they are heading to the handjob hot tub!!! This could get messy.

Elaine: Heh. You are so NSFW. So, Chad and Lace like it rough, I see.

Andrée: What is wrong with a little choking during sex?

Elaine: I didn’t know that was really a thing until I saw it on Tumblr. I’ll pass, thank you very much.

Andrée: I have been more entertained by this hot tub scene than the entire season of The Bachelorette. Lace is actually a pretty good match for Chad. They are a perfect hot mess together.

Elaine: I didn’t realize that Chad got this messy. His insistence on saying “Dollar, Dollar bill Ya’ll” is having a negative impact on my crush.

Andrée: Oh right, I forgot there was a date going on. Jubilee and Jared, here we go. I should preface that when they say Bachelor- style dates, they mean low-budget dates that are nothing like Bachelor dates.

Andrée: Yes Chad, tie me up and make me smell like peppermint.

Elaine:  I’m gonna say his pick-up lines are iffy but that doesn’t sound so bad. I like peppermint and prefer it to being choked out.

Andrée: I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see what’s going to go down with Chad and Lace. Chad is LOADED. LOADED. Daniel probably shouldn’t be bringing up the Hitler stuff again.

Elaine: I believe Chad’s drinks were laced. See what I did there?

I think Daniel is trying to be helpful when he advises Chad not to behave like a dictator who was responsible for genocide. It might be better to say something like, “Hey, bud. Slow down.”

Andrée: Hahaha…Now Chad is lying on the beach shredding paper.

Elaine: Chad’s just tired and cranky. My little dog has been known to shred tissues.

Andrée: OMG. He just said “F*ck that one-armed b*tch.” Chhhaaad! He’s totally going to get kicked off. Boooooo. I am über’ pissed at Sarah right now. Oh yes, knock Evan out, at least give us that. No such luck. Chad is going to have one hell of a hangover.

Elaine: Sarah did insert herself into the situation, they all did. Shouldn’t they all be busy contracting STDs and minding their own business? Instead, they are being looky-loos spying on Chad and Lace. That said, his digs at Sarah–not cool.

Andrée:  Naked Chad! Naked Chad!

Elaine: Enjoy while you can.

Andrée: Oh, my lord he shat his pants.

Elaine: We don’t know that for a fact. It’s a smear campaign…

Andrée: He really called Sarah “Army McArmenson.” Wow Chad, wow.

Elaine: Making fun of Sarah’s missing limb is a bridge too far.

Andrée: Lace was the same as Chad. It is kind of bullshit that everyone is calling out Chad and not Lace. I guess it’s a bit hard to come back from saying he wants to murder everyone.

Elaine: Dammit, Chad, you didn’t think about how this would affect Andrée and me.

Andrée: In one night Chad managed to turn things from paradise to hell. You told everyone on this staff to go suck a d**k. HAHAHAHA.

Elaine: Chad is not one to go quietly.

Andrée: This is such BS. We didn’t even get to see Chad knockout Evan. BOOOO! Chad refuses to leave. Yes, Chad, Yes.

Lace is being so high-and-mighty right now. Poor Chad. This is messed up. He got up and is leaving quietly. Said it too soon, he just smashed his mic. Threw his shoes. Telling the crab to go fu*ck himself. Telling Chris Harrison: “You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. You didn’t even watch the show. What are you going to do?” I am smiling ear-to-ear.

Elaine: The idea of Chris Harrison sipping a bedtime mimosa tickles me; don’t back down, Chad. I mean, he has already shot himself in the foot, might as well keep it going.

Andrée: Chad telling Chris to go fu*ck himself and mocking his mimosas is DEFINITELY making the show better for me. What an ending. That was awesome. OMG broke the rules, watched the previews and Chad is back next week. YES! YES! YES!

Elaine: Come on, give Chad a second chance. Nick and Jake Pavelka and plenty of other shady characters got a second or third chance.

I suppose my dream of that Jubilee/Chad romance has died. I even had a portmanteau for them #Chase.

What sucks for me is that I ignored everyone on this show and now I have to learn about them. Speaking of Jubilee. I didn’t realize that the BIP dates were so lame. Do they just take them to another part of the island? Jubilee and Jared did make a valiant effort to pretend a table surrounded by streamers and piñatas is magical. And I’m glad Jubilee is trying to loosen up, but she made two rookie errors: Telling Jared that everyone described him as “nice” was not going to make him feel manly; I appreciate her geekiness but I’m not sure the Lord of The Rings conversation stoked the romance.

I kind of remember Jared and thinking he is kinda cute.  He lost points with me. Why the producers sent a mute clown to that streamer-festooned hellscape is beyond me, but when Jubilee jumped and screamed, I noticed that Jared jumped up and tried to get away rather than run toward his date to find out why she was screaming. That makes him a wimp and I don’t like him. 

Andrée: One episode in and loving it so far. Basically, the entire episode was Chad. It was glorious. It was so worth watching Ben and JoJo’s craptacular seasons. What do you think, Elaine? Totally in love? Give us BIP in one sentence to finish things off.

Elaine. Let’s work through the pain, Chad.

Bachelor in Paradise airs on Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée H.
Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.

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