1. Poussey was a favorite OITNB character, one-half of the most entertaining duo at Litchfield Penitentiary. Taystee and Poussey’s relationship was charming and authentic. Remember the scene when Taystee was released, albeit briefly, and was hustled to the van before she could say a proper farewell to her best friend? Poussey scrambled to the window and was crestfallen that she hadn’t been there when Taystee exited the unit. When Taystee happened to look up and spot Poussey, Taystee entertained her friend–for what they thought was one last time–with a comical dance move.
2. Dear God, can I get through this without crying? I waited a day to write it.
3. Nope, I can’t get through this without crying all over again.
4. Opening this episode with a Poussey flashback makes me feel all kinds of ways. Happy to see her but still reeling from Poussey’s senseless death. A death that happened because the members of the Litchfield prison’s “brotherhood” are unfit to be corrections officers.
5. When the semi-Warden, Caputo, confronts Head-Brute-in-Charge Piscatella, the CO claims that Poussey was “extremely violent” during the “insurrection.” If  you are not fluent in cover-your-asshattery, that translates to Poussey was “doing nothing wrong” at a “peaceful protest.” But the party line is that a 92-pound unarmed woman was a threat and that’s that.

   

6. Bayley, the incompetent CO, who squeezed the life out of a calm, tiny, innocent woman is having an ugly cry. I’m surprised he isn’t getting high-fived over beer pong. Since the brutal “brotherhood” shows a disregard for human life or even human dignity, I’d imagine an after-work happy hour going like this. This is, after all, the season where Charlie “Bark like a dog” Coates, who raped Pennsatucky, is relatively moral in comparison to the COs who engage in sanctioned brutality.
7. Gasp! The officials left Poussey’s covered body in the cafeteria! Such a cruel scene, but it’s not real. Only in dystopian fiction would authority figures behave with such an outrageous form of disrespect.
8. Ah, here’s the kind of droll dialogue we expect from Orange is the New Black. Red instructs a sympathetic Nicky to stay away from the family: Taystee, Black Cindy, Watson etc., because Nicky would offer a platitude like: “She’s in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Yes, it’s well-meaning but those bromides should be a shivvable offense.
9. Damnit, Black Cindy, do not make me laugh out loud when I’m filled with outrage! The recent convert to Judaism is sitting shiva with a Heath bar in her mouth.
10. Now that is unrealistic, who eats Heath bars? Do they even still manufacture Heath bars? That chocolate has been sitting in a vending machine for 20 years. I bet when Black Cindy took the wrapper off, it was dry and gray. Ugh.
11. Breaking News: The good folks who manufacture Heath bars probably won’t be placing ads here.
12. The folks who make Raisinets, Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups should consider an ad-buy.
13. Anita DeMarco knows how to offer condolences: “I’m very sorry for your loss. She was a good kid. And if you’re having a send-off for her, I’d like to contribute one of my commissary casseroles. It looks disgusting, but it tastes good. I just need a few hours heads-up. Gotta get some ingredients and some real time with the microwave.”
14. See? That’s how you do it. That’s much better than: “She’s in a better place.”
15. Watson is less than gracious, but Anita understands. “I get it. When my cousin Nino got shot and dumped in the Gowanus Canal, my brother took a bat and whacked every bald-headed guy he came across. Then it turned out, it wasn’t even Bald Mario who’d done it. It was Nino’s girlfriend’s father, who had a full head of hair, and was mad about Nino not putting his name on the birth certificate for the baby!”
16. Imma need a lot of Anita DeMarco’s whiskey-and-cigarettes voice next season.
17. The prison spinmeisters want to portray sweet-faced, tiny Poussey as a menace to society but her crime was low-level. It turns out she got arrested for trespassing and possessing a little weed! They admit “even her intake photo is adorable.”
18. You know who I will never find adorable? Piper, that’s who. Piper does nothing in this episode that couldn’t be left on the cutting room floor. She was essential to the series as the audience surrogate in the beginning but now she’s extraneous.
19. Here is an inspired scene. Flashback Poussey is standing on a sidewalk in Brooklyn, her phone was jacked and she’s searching for her friends. A trio of guys pass by and one of them is Bayley, her future killer. Very Sliding Doors, no? Did you notice the little expression on Poussey’s face? A premonition perhaps?
20. Welp, the spin machine can’t defame Poussey, who was educated and came from a good family; her dad was a major in the military. Unable to portray Poussey as a scary caricature for the media, they decide to make Bayley the story. The suits actually say: “We got a villain.” If you ask me, it’s the smug, barbaric “brotherhood”, so inept at their jobs that they can’t maintain the peace or control a situation without brutality or excessive force who are the villains here.
21. Okay, this episode is getting trippy. Poussey, who is still lost, encounters a bunch of Buddhist monks on bikes with light-up wheels. They give her a lift and she rides on the handlebars. What’s going on here? It’s starting to get a Sopranos vibe. Will Poussey end up in a diner playing “Don’t Stop Believing” on the jukebox. Is this how Poussey gets to heaven, escorted by a bunch of white cyclists in yellow robes? (Later on, we find out that it’s a group of benign trespassing performance artists, which obviously led to Poussey’s ludicrous incarceration.) I’d prefer to think Poussey was escorted to heaven by cycling monks and when she got there, she found an endless library and became the star of her own cooking show.
22. Caputo finally finds his balls. This was a tragedy and the victim must be recognized. With the press gathered, Caputo defends–waaaait for it–Bayley. Caputo doesn’t even mention Poussey by name. He certainly doesn’t mention that the “brotherhood” are paid thugs who forced prisoners to beat each other just for kicks. He doesn’t even know Charlie raped Pennsatucky, he doesn’t know that the tough-as-nails Red was tormented with sleep-deprivation, he doesn’t know that a sicko CO coerced Maritza to swallow a live mouse. But, by golly, he must take a stand and let the world know that Poussey’s death was one big oopsie made by a nice kid.
23. During Caputo’s defense of Bayley, the music swells. I hope that was ironic and the OITNB writers didn’t seriously consider this Caputo’s heroic moment, because let’s remember that innocent Poussey died because a blundering hobbledehoy was put in a position for which he exhibited no aptitude. The “brotherhood” specialize in terror and torment, not training or talent.
24. Taystee, will never find Caputo heroic. Cue the riot. Cue a powderkeg.
25. But all that will play out in Season 5. For now, let’s remember Samira Wiley’s stellar performance as Poussey Washington.
26. And thank the writers for that one last shot of her radiant smile.
27. Never forget these words, carry them in your heart: “My name is Poussey. Accent à droite, bitch.”

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1. As far as Litchfield corrections officers go, this Bayley is a decent human being. Wimpy and nervous but decent. Caputo has made the groundbreaking decision to be at the facility two days in a row, so Bayley is telling him how Humps forced the prisoners to beat each other for his own twisted amusement.
2. I don’t know why Bayley is worthy of a backstory so soon though.
3. Please let Crazy Eyes be okay. Humps coerced her to fight and I’m concerned that regressing to brutality will set her back. She’s been so good since Vee hasn’t been around to egg her on to attack my beloved Poussey.
4. Just as I suspected, Crazy Eyes is catatonic. Thanks for that, Humps. Taystee and Poussey are comforting her. Poussey is a class act to forgive Crazy Eyes.
5. Humps is a uniter, not a divider. Even the trashy white supremacists want to work with the black girls about the explosive situation. I’m even starting to feel bad for the skinhead with the neck tattoo. Not really, but apparently one of the sicko COs (maybe Humps, maybe one of the other ones) locked her in a room and wouldn’t release her until she answered a hypothetical: forced to choose which parent would she eat, her mom or her dad. Good thing it wasn’t visiting day. Eh, she’s still a White Powerpuff girl, they probably raised her wrong, so it would be a victimless crime.
6. In vino veritas.
7. All the colors of Benetton have united to fight a common enemy: the fascists in control. Not so sure that they are going to be able to fight the power. Who is going to care what the inmates have to say? Caputo, I guess, but he’s been so impotent that I’m not counting on it.
8. Sophia!!!! OMG, Sophia is finally back from SHU. Good, this has been stressing me out since Episode 1. She’s bruised and battered but she’s back.
9. Alex thinks she should have confessed about killing the assassin (whom the prison staff thinks was a member of their “brotherhood” because he was wearing a unform). Poor crazy Lolly who was involved took the rap; she was going down anyway but still. I can understand the need for self-preservation but Princess Piper has another reason that Alex should keep quiet: She needs Alex there.
10. I will never find Piper adorable. I always liked Alex, but I think I’m over her for finding Piper adorable.
11. Wow, Caputo suspends one of these brutes, I think it’s Humps. Confession, I haven’t learned all the names of these COs. I hope they are all gone next season so it won’t matter. Piscatella strolls in and overrules Caputo. If Humps or whichever one of these monsters go, Piscatella will walk and take his foot soldiers with him. When Caputo says: “We’ll discuss this later,” he means to say: “I don’t have the cojones to do anything about this so I guess I’ll just slink off and do whatever it is I’m paid to do these days.”
12. The general consensus among the inmates is to cut off the head of the snake, that would be Piscatella.
13. Poussey is in such a positive place: she has a happy relationship with Soso, she’s making plans. When Poussey talks about her chance for a future career, her idol and fellow inmate celebrity chef Judy King says that Poussey can give her a call when she gets out. This is no good. I’m upset already. I have watched TV before.

    

14. Oh, hey, Gloria. Why don’t you give a warm welcome to Sophia and hope she forgets that if you hadn’t been beefing with her last season, the Latinas would not have jumped her and she would not have been taken to SHU for “protection” where she suffered and was forgotten about. Extend a lame offer to help with anything.
15. I guess Sophia didn’t forget. “Don’t make the mistake of thinking just ’cause I look weak, I am. Get the fuck out of my face.”
16. Give it up for Sophia Burset, ladies and gentlemen.
17. Tell me you don’t want to commit that line to memory and use it at the next opportunity.
18. Poussey is telling Soso that Judy King offered her a job. Girl, please shut that end-of-season optimism down. I stumbled across a possible spoiler and I need it to not be true.
19. Oh, look, it’s ice queen Natalie Figueroa aka Fig, the former Executive Assistant to the Warden. What’s Caputo doing there? Whining or looking for more hate-sex? Fig knows about the new plans to pack in more inmates because she has an ear to the ground, unlike Caputo. Maybe she can let him borrow her cojones.
20. So Piscatella’s new thing is inflicting sleep-deprivation on Red, who is one of the strongest women.
21. Uh-oh, Blanca Flores has had enough and she’s defiantly standing on the table for her Norma Rae moment. Is everyone going to do this? Should we start the slow clap? Yep.
22. The peaceful protest and ordering Piscatella to resign isn’t going to work ladies, but good for you. Cool scene. It might have been a triumphant feel-good moment in a 1970s movie, but the COs are just going to rush in with riot gear and tase them or something.
23. And here it comes, Poussey is trying to help Crazy Eyes and this isn’t looking good.
24. I think that upsetting possible spoiler is an actual spoiler.
25. One of these COs, Bayley “the nice one” just took down Poussey and suffocated her.
26. She wasn’t doing anything wrong.

    

27. I bet the OITNB writers think this is going to help change things by opening up a dialogue, but I think it’s going to have the same real-life impact as all the inmates standing on the table.
28. I have nothing left to say.

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1. Yeah, so the body of the assassin Alex killed was buried in the prison garden and just cropped up. Or at least pieces of him did. Everybody is under suspicion. Caputo correctly orders his staff to not make rash judgments and antagonize the situation, so there is to be no witch hunt until facts have been gathered. Ha-ha! Caputo still thinks he’s running things though we’ve barely seen him at work. Chief Bully in Charge Corrections Officer Piscatella gives counter orders the minute Caputo’s back is turned.
2. I mentioned earlier that I wonder what actual wardens and prison employees think of this show. In Season 1 through 3, the Litchfield staffers ranged from corrupt to incompetent to buffoonish. Pornstache was vile but he’s a rank amateur compared to the depraved and fascist regime runningthe prison in Season 4. Pornstache was also entertaining when he wasn’t being a complete dick. Caputo, who might as well just be a figurehead, has been mostly useless and doesn’t demonstrate any real authority. One can only hope real-life corrections officers think this is defamation of character. What if they don’t?
3. Ah, Counselor and corrections officer Sam Healey is as helpful as ever. Crazy Lolly did tell him there was a buried body but she also belongs to the Area 51/chemtrail community so Healey didn’t take Lolly seriously. I won’t blame him for slipping out of the prison for soft serve. I may or may not have loaded up on Butter Pecan as a coping strategy.
4. Ha! Thank you OTNB writers for treating us to electrical shop manager Joel Luscheck reluctantly pulled into a threesome wth Yoga “Namaste” Jones and celeb chef Judy King. It’s disturbing, hilarious and let’s remember that Luscheck, who was an antagonist in earlier seasons–lazy, vulgar and unethical–is one of the more upstanding prison employees. OMG, did Judy just stick her tongue in his mouth? This is his punishment for misdeeds.
5. Judy is modeled after genteel jailbird Martha Stewart. Just for fun, let’s imagine that Martha dropped some Molly. Was Molly a thing then, or was it still plain old Ecstasy? Is “drop” the correct verbiage? Who knows? Let’s just all tell ourselves that Maratha Stewart took Ecstacy and instigated threesomes in the hoosegow. No shade, that would be kind of awesome.

   

6. Let the roundup begin. Red, who found out about the body after the fact, is brought in. She exudes some of that Season 1 badassery. Here are two things we know about Piscatella: He will never find Piper adorable (which is understandable) and apparently will never find Red formidable. He mentions the crimes that landed her in prison in the first place. The corpses in the mob mama’s freezer were chopped up soooooo that looks kinda bad. Given her record, it’s interesting that Red was put in charge of the Litchfield kitchen with all that access to knives.
7. The COs are forcing the inmates to fight. Forcing. Crazy Eyes just had to defend herself by beating her would-be girlfriend bloody. Honestly, this is the most upsetting season. Maybe I have some Season 1-3 amnesia, but I can’t remember it being this overall grueling.
8. So Alex–the guilty party–wants to give Piscatella information, but he shuts her down and considers the case closed. Healey reported Lolly, who gets dragged off to the psych ward and it’s devastating. On the one hand, Lolly belongs there, but she’s in there for the wrong reasons. And it doesn’t look like that section of the hospital wing does more than pump the patient/inmates full of drugs to keep them quiet. Lolly was helping Alex kill an assassin. I don’t think Healey has all the information. You can tell he’s brokenhearted but he also tossed Season 1 Piper into SHU for lesbian dancing and sabotaged Berdie Rogers, who was arguably the only competent and ethical staffer, because he was resentful of her success.
9. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about Alex if she lets this go. I can still loop some of the blame back to Piper, who I don’t find adorable, but that would take a lot of mental gymnastics.
10. Honest to God, this season is actually causing work-related stress. It’s partially a testament to the writers that I am so whipped up but it also triggers some dark real-world issues that not too many people want to talk about. Damn, I’m depressed.,

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1. You’d think Aleida’s release would be a happy event, but it’s bittersweet because her chances of thriving on the outside are iffy. She’s not sure that she has any skills. Being a lousy mom is not a career. I don’t want to see her back at Litchfield, but recidivism is real. Just ask Taystee. Buena Suerte, Aleida!
2. Blanca is tough. She has not buckled. Her punishment for rebelling against the unreasonable stop and frisk policy is to stand on a table until she gives in. She’s been up there for two days, but head corrections officer Piscatella doesn’t want the “brotherhood” to show any weakness by treating the inmates as if they aren’t human beings. Thank goodness this is only fiction…
3. The White Powerpuff Girls are enjoying this. Piper, who started the fire, feels a teensy guilty.
4. Unlike selfish, toxic Piper, Sister Ingalls made the sacrifice to get herself thrown into SHU to find the MIA Sophia.
5. Oh, thank God Sophia is alive! This storyline has caused me way too much stress over a fictional character. Really. I won’t rest until she is out. Winning a civil lawsuit would also be nice.
6. So one of the “brotherhood” had fun punishing Maritza by forcing her to eat a live baby mouse. This season is grueling.
7. Ooooh, here is a great setup. Taystee uses her new administrative powers as Caputo’s assistant to show The Wiz at movie night. Nobody wants to see it–except Crazy Eyes, though she prefers the original movie because of Glinda.

   

   Nicely done, OITNB, nicely done.

8. Nicky’s hooked again and Red who has been set free from the snoring storyline wants to use her influence to crack down on the drugs in Litchfield. Red gets roughed up by a CO who doesn’t care for her tone. I’d like Season 1 Red to kick his ass.
9. Piper, who Piscatella will never find adorable, goes to the CO to protest the harsh treatment of the Latinas. He tells Piper to shove her complaints up her ass. Considering what’s been going on, she’s lucky that’s figurative.
10. Bad news: Sister Ingalls’ grand plan to document what’s happening to Sophia is foiled when she drops a phone she smuggled in. Seeing as she’s in a towel, we won’t linger on where the ex-nun was hiding that phone. Good news: Caputo finally shows up at SHU and after chiding Sister Ingalls confiscates the phone and uses it to take a photo of Sophia, confirming her whereabouts. Doesn’t he have the power to just free her?
11. That’s right, Piper, atone for your ways by joining Blanca on the table to protest the injustice of it all. Don’t you worry about the powder keg you sparked with the White Powerpuff Girls who are rather liberal with the word “nigger” these days. Not to say that they wouldn’t have used it anyway, but you’re the one who organized them enough to embolden them. You know, just like Donald Trump.
12. The prison needs to do something to the sewer something about something and Piscatella gives the order to destroy the greenhouse and garden. When you go digging around, you never know what might crop up.
13. Well, looky here, remember that assassin Alex killed and buried?

This was a strong episode. The original inmates have to be released at some point. Aleida got sprung but she didn’t disappear and we got to see her attempt to adjust. I hope the show follows some of the former inmates we’ve grown to know. Some loose threads started to come together; Crazy Eyes’ first relationship which took off and ended in a day or two in-universe was addressed again. Have we clamored to see Crazy Eyes’ first near-orgasm? Uh, no. We didn’t want to see her urinate on the floor in Season 1 either, but it’s classic Crazy Eyes. A nun harbored a cell phone in her vagina for the greater good. I just wanted to type that.

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1.  Oh, I see how it is. Piper, who was literally branded a Nazi, has repented and moved on to giggling about how much she misses Shake Shack burgers.
2. The Latina girls, however, miss not getting subjected to stop and frisks. Piper was the mastermind of a scheme to send used undies to pervs but the Latinas started a rival business. Piper’s plans to eliminate the competition was to tell Corrections Officer Piscatella that she felt “unsafe” which is a blatant dog whistle so the Latinas were subject to scrutiny. The plan backfired and the ladies’ panties have been exposed.
3. Oh, looky here, the aggressive new COs are still keeping their eyes and hands on the Latinas and detain them for walking while Hispanic.
4. But Piper wants a burger, ya’ll.
5. This season is the darkest one since Vee turned the black girls into an army for her own selfish reasons. Unlike Piper, Vee did not end up with a burger. So thank God, we’ve got an amusing storyline: the staged photo of celebrity chef Judy King kissing Black Cindy. The utterly useless semi-warden Caputo is pissed off because blah, blah, something, cell phones on campus, blah. To keep Caputo off their backs, they are pretending to be a real couple and it delivers some classic OITNB exploits.

   

6. Crime detectives are familiar with a culprit known as the “bushy-haired stranger.” It refers to the vague description of an imaginary assailant. In any case, Blanca Flores is the show’s bushy-haired strange inmate. The only thing we know about her is that Blanca is a clever girl. In the first season, she spent her time holed up in a stall, ranting about the devil or as he’s referred to in Spanish: Diablo. It turned out that the crazy act was a way for Bianca to talk to her boyfriend on a contraband phone she’d hidden in the bathroom wall. His name is–drumroll–Diablo. That Blanca is crazy like a fox. Her talent comes in handy now. The officers stopping and frisking are less inclined to get close to Blanca who has been throwing them off the scent, so to speak, by dabbing on sardine oil and the like. The maneuver catches on and the Dominicans use the ploy. When one of the COs senses something fishy is going on, he punishes her by making Blanca stand on a table until she is compliant.
7. Bianca does not get a burger. She does, however, get an award for badass because she stays on that table and just stares him down.
8. Uh-oh, Sister Ingalls is acting crazy. Is her mind going? This is sad.
9. Ahhh, the ex-nun is acting up so she can get to SHU to find Sophia. The transgender lady was sent there for “protection” and all we know is that her empty cell was covered in blood. Sister Ingalls’ plan works, she gets escorted to SHU. Sister Ingalls is a badass.

This season is particularly dark. The inmates have always had tribes: the black girls, the Latinas, the white girls–who didn’t have anything to do with the white meth addicts–and the “others” the senior citizens nobody pays attention and Chang. There have been skirmishes and battles, but the prison staff didn’t add to the tensions. Now they are actively singling out groups to torment. The COs are bullying and sadistic. Caputo, who was always marginally competent, isn’t doing anything to rein them in. Creepy, abusive Pornstache who indirectly caused an inmate to overdose and staged the scene as a suicide would probably find this appalling. Maybe. This isn’t going to end well.

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1. What does it say that I’m more concerned with Red’s missing mirror and lip liner than I am with the swastika branded into Piper’s arm?
2. Answer: Piper had it coming. She can’t decide whether she’s a delicate flower or a badass criminal mastermind. Side-eye to her red eyes and trembling lips. Side-eye to her bouts of self-awareness. Piper, I will never find you adorable.
3. One of the most entertaining plot developments is the reveal that celebrity chef Judy King had a TV show for children, which involved puppets who used the word “jigaboo.” If for no other reason, I love it because we got a scene of Crazy Eyes strolling the halls talking to a sock puppet just to mess with Judy. I think. One can never be too sure with Crazy Eyes. The storyline also gives us another scene with my girl, Poussey, who counsels Judy on how to be a teensy less of a dum-dum.
4. Nicky stole Red’s mirror and lip liner to trade for drugs? Nooooooo. I don’t want those two fighting and what if Nicky has to go back to SHU? This is upsetting. We’re just getting the band back together.

   

5. Finally, that whole storyline about Taystee, Crazy Eyes, Black Cindy and Abdullah getting a picture of Judy King paid off in glorious fashion. Poussey explained to the chef that her friends wanted a candid photo of the imprisoned star to sell to the tabloids; the ladies weren’t interested in attacking her because of the racist puppet show. Note: typing the phrase “racist puppet show” is delightful. In any case, Judy was game and surprised Black Cindy with the money shot: an interracial, lesbian kiss. That’s the kind of quirky humor that’s been missing this season.
6. You know what else has been missing? The fabulousness that is Sophia. It turns out Crystal Burset has taken action to find out what happened to her ex-husband/wife but is being stonewalled. This all seems actionable but the Litchfield Penitentiary is privatized now and something, something, Freedom of Information Act, something.
7. Yay, a scene devoted to Caputo’s love life … said no one ever.
8. Oh for God’s sake, the Piper Pity Party continues. Red, Norma and Alex are helping fix this swastika the Latinas burned into Piper’s arm and it involves more branding to turn it into a less swastika-y design. Piper weeps and does the old “What have I done?  God forgive me!” schtick. She’s still Piper and therefore she still sucks. God will never find Piper adorable.

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1. Piper’s merry band of White Powerpuff Girls is enjoying their new community of hate but there is some resistance from our regulars. Hillbilly Pennsatucky isn’t involved, though her moronic former acolytes Leanne and Angie are, but those dum-dums have never sat at the Algonquin Roundtable.
2. Words of wisdom from philosopher Lorna Morello: “I don’t think racism should be a group activity. It’s private.” Let’s have a round of applause for Lorna Morello, ladies and gentlemen.
3. Piper has the gall to mope about as she tries to distance herself from this powderkeg. The West Side Story situation all started because of Piper’s side business of providing used panties to pervs. She became a dictator, so the Latinas founded a rival business. Piper got her knickers in a twist, things spiraled out of control, the panties were exposed and Maria Ruiz was punished with an extended sentence. Naturally, CO Piscatella didn’t believe Ruiz when she told him that Princess Piper launched the business. Watch your back, Pipes.

   

4.  I was wondering about Lolly, who is nutty as a fruitcake. Big surprise: she was always nutty as a fruitcake. Despite her wackadoo conspiracy theories, it doesn’t look like she ever got help with her mental health. It’s fun watching actress Lori Petty bounce off the walls, but like most of the OITNB backstories, Lolly’s is poignant.
5. Piper just got jumped! Yikes, this is a brutal scene. Ruiz and some of her crew dragged Piper to the kitchen. That open flame so close to Piper’s face is making me nervous. Ah, I see, Piper’s arm is getting branded with a swastika.
6. It’s about time. It only took Vern Schillinger about a day to give Tobias Beecher the mark of shame.
7. Welp, Panty Princess, that’s one form of brand management. You brought this on yourself, girl. #ThugLife

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1. Woo hoo! It’s Nicky. She’s still in supermax, but she’s alive, not in a hole and got a 30-day chip in her substance abuse class. Spoiler: She needs to give that chip back.
2. Thanks to Piper–Piper Chapman who was on track to sell artisanal soaps to Barneys before her arrest in Season 1–a new whites-only task force has emerged. The dress code allows inmates to show up with skinned heads and the group’s duties include breaking up groups of “water niggers and plain niggers, too.” They also report suspicious behavior to a Corrections officer. In other words, Piper would fit right in as part of the Trump Presidential campaign. This is the type of thing you’d expect from Season 1 Pennsatucky, the toothless evangelical leader of the meth heads. This current mess, which is bound to end in violence, is because of Piper’s operation to supply used panties to pervs on the outside. She alienated the Latinas and now they have a rival operation. Piper is sparking a race war to maintain dominance in the used panties business. She’s like Walmart edging out small businesses. To borrow a quote from new CO Desi Piscatella: I will never find Piper adorable. Looking sheepish isn’t going to endear her to me. Moving on.

   

3. Well, that backfired. Piper’s White Powerpuff Girls reported that something fishy is going on with panties. Now Piper’s girls are going to get busted in the stop and frisk. Oh, wait, that’s not happening because the COs are racially profiling as they force suspected inmates to drop trou.
4. Whew, we’re back to a witty scene about another scheme. Taystee can make money by selling a picture of celebrity chef Judy King to a gossip magazine. Taystee, Black Cindy and Crazy Eyes are in on it. Now all they need is a camera; well looky here, Black Cindy’s new roommate Alison Abdulla hides a contraband phone in her hijab. The TSA gave my hair a pat down once. I’m not making that up. In fairness to the TSA, it took some bobby pins to rock that chignon. In any case, if Black Cindy, a newly converted Jew, and Alison, a Muslim can put their conflict aside, this paparazzi plan can work.
5. When are they going to let Sophia out of the SHU? Aside from the basic inhumanity, I’m focused on her chapped lips. This isolation was allegedly for her protection, but she’s not even allowed a blanket much less, health and beauty products. It was kind of Nicky to slip a magazine under Sophia’s cell while she was making the janitorial rounds.
6. So, Red is still trapped in that storyline about a snoring bunkmate, huh? I wonder what Kate Mulgrew thinks about this. Shouldn’t Red be starving someone out? Shouldn’t Kate Mulgrew starve some writer out?
7. Welp, Maria Ruiz is getting the blame for the Panties for Pervs business. Her sentence is being extended. Piper set the ball in motion, she needs to get shivved, sent to SHU and shivved some more.
8. Dear God, why is there blood all over the walls of Sophia’s cell? The only thing in there is the magazine Nicky slipped under the door. What did she do, die by a thousand paper cuts? This is waaay too dark. Remember during the Season 3 bedbug outbreak how we were treated to Black Cindy’s song and dance as she spritzed herself with aerosol disinfectant? “Little spray here, little spray there. Ooh, a little spray in my underwear. Makes the buggies back off. Ooh, makes the buggies piss off. Makes the buggies back way the f–k off, way the f–k off.” This season could use a bit more light moments to counterbalance the darkness.
9. Good news, Nicky is returning to the low-security center! Joel Luscheck felt guilty for letting her take the fall for a heroin ring. Who knew he had a conscience? He can thank Judy King for using her connections to make it happen without risking his job. He can also thank Judy King by, ahem, servicing her if you know what I mean. It’s a dirty job but… you know the rest.

We enjoy reading thoughtful and witty comments from OITNB fans. They don’t appear right away but we promise to get to them after we treat Joel Luschek for PTSD.

1. The rapey vibe from the new Corrections Officers is unsettling. Of course, weasely Charlie Coats surpasses rapey and qualifies as an actual rapist, but he doesn’t seem to grasp that. I guess he thought he was making sweet, sweet hillbilly love to Pennsatucky last season when she was face down in the prison van. Now Maritza Ramos has been promoted to van driver and she shuts down some of the pervy COs fast. Good for her. Ramos is one of those tertiary characters I always wanted to know more about.
2. And now I know, Maritza is not the world’s best car thief, but she’s still as cute as can be and knows how to rock the hell out of a high pony.

   

3. Piper tried her damsel routine on new CO Piscatella with some thinly-veiled racism to bring down her Latina competitors in the used-panty business. With the retort: “I like dudes, I will never find you adorable,” Piscatella delivered one of the season’s best lines. Piper as a casual race-baiter takes her from merely annoying to sincerely unlikable.
4. There is a mystery about an inmate pooping in the shower and there is a tampon shortage. That is all I have to say about that.
5. So the new Muslim inmate has a phone hidden in her hijab. Meh. I was more impressed when Blanca Flores hid a cell phone in a bathroom wall back in Season 1.
6. The newbie is using the phone to communicate with her child, I guess, so anyone with a heart would find that touching.
7. Let me know when you find someone with a heart. So far she’s boring and I’ll learn her name when she does something interesting.
8. Welp. to protect her panties project, Piper inadvertently whipped some of the white girls up into a rabid “white lives matter” frenzy.
9. The only good thing about this plot development is that I got to write the above sentence.
10. Excuse me while I contact the governor or whoever handles these things about securing Piper an early-release.

We welcome entertaining comments from OITNB fans. Comments don’t appear right away but we promise when we’re back in gen pop.

1. Corrections Officer and counselor Sam Healy is, has always been and will forever be a sad, petty little man. He never knows what to say or do with women and is the Joe McCarthy of lesbianism. His childhood trauma is revealed in flashbacks. Surprise! Healy has mommy issues. His attempts to curry favor with celebrity chef Judy King are half-baked. She prefers the company of electric shop manager, Joel Luschek of all people. Poor Healy, forever alone.
2. Judy has been coerced by Healey into heading up a cooking class, just wondering if the Empress has clothes. It’d be hilarious to find out that the star inmate doesn’t know her aspic from her elbow noodles. Red would be beside herself with glee.
3. So Piper’s underground used-panties business is still a thing, eh? It was funny last year, but this turf war is losing me. I support the entrepreneurial spirit, but I’m underwhelmed by this underwear storyline.

   

4. OMG, it’s Sophia! How long has she been stuck in SHU? She thinks it’s been months. I believe it’s been weeks in-universe. Regardless this unacceptable. Sophia is fabulous and isolating her in a cold, dreary cell is criminal. She did nothing wrong, and this is supposedly for her own “protection.” Taking away Sophia’s wig, glamorous makeup and position as the prison stylist is an abuse of power. How are the inmates getting their hair did without Sophia? I bet it’s all split ends and gray roots. They had better not go to Davita. She’ll fry your scalp. #FreeSophia
5. I’ll say this about my girl, Sophia knows how to MacGyver herself out of a bad situation. She was clever enough to flood one cell and start a blaze in another one. That’s dangerous but damn determined. Question: Will a transgender inmate have it any easier in gen pop at maximum security?
6. OMG, it’s Nicky! At least, Sophia will have a friend in gen pop. It was so heartbreaking when Nicky got carted off over that heroin situation last season. Can someone please bring back Miss Claudette now? She was simply having a moment when she attacked a CO.
7. Aw, Healy isn’t so bad after all. He was quite comforting to Lolly when the conspiracy theorist was raving about burying a man’s body in the prison vegetable garden. Either Healy has a soft spot for delusional nutters or he suspects she’s telling the truth and doesn’t want to be bogged down in paperwork. Either way, it’s a win for Alex.

We enjoy hearing from witty, eloquent OITNB fans. Comments don’t appear right away, but we promise to get to them after we deliver a cake with a file in it to Sophia.