TV Commentator: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle captured hearts when Harry declared his love and said: Aw hell naw, Karen.

Tha Usual Suspects on Social Media: Why are you enjoying this? There’s suffering in the world. Hold still while I give you the Dementor’s kiss.

The Rest of Us: 

TV Fashion Commentator: Whatever dress Meghan Markle wears is going to get copied by everyone because she’s such a fashion icon. We haven’t seen a royal influence style since Princess Diana!

Kate Middleton: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Newsflash! Meghan has pushed back her hotel departure by 15 minutes. No, Meghan, if we are up this early in the morning to see you get married, you better get in that car now, girl.

TV Commentator: Look, there is a blurry shot of the bride in a Rolls with her mum, Doria Ragland! We can’t see much of anything. Let’s hypothesize. She’s probably holding her mum’s hand. I bet she’s excited. She’s probably saying, “Wheeeeeeee!”

The Audience: 

Royal Commentator: Prince Harry is the most popular royal ever. Well, after the Queen maybe.

Royal Commentator 2: Quite right. Prince William is also popular.

Royal Commentator 3: Yes, the most popular living royals are the Queen, Prince Harry, and Prince William. Are we forgetting anyone?

Prince Charles: (Discreetly clears throat.)

Royal Commentator 4: Oh, right. We almost forgot Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie.

Prince Charles: FML.

Step and repeat time!

Here comes Amal Clooney rocking a yellow Stella McCartney dress. Right behind her is Posh Beckham wearing a scowl. There’s Harry’s ex-girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, I think that look is called second thoughts.

The moment has arrived, there she is, Miss America! Let the service begin! 

Just gonna say, Doria Ragland is a remarkable woman. I can’t even fathom what she must be thinking and feeling as her daughter makes history. (And I love this little moment when Prince Harry glances over at his future mother-in-law to make sure she’s okay.)

Speaking of historic events, Prince Harry accomplishes an amazing feat when he sees his bride. Prince Harry is the first white man ever to be able to pull off a sexy lip bite.

Women Across The World (And some of you gents!):

Warning: Don’t try this at home, white men! You’re not Prince Harry.

It’ll end up looking like a Pinterest fail.

And now let’s have a few words from Bishop Michael Curry.

And by “a few words” I mean we’re going to black church. Start fishing around in your purse for the love offering and settle in.

The Royal Family:     

Queen Elizabeth:

Bishop Curry: Imma ’bout to wrap up. Take it to the bridge!

Meghan Markle:

Prince Harry:

Us: Yes, we would like a mocha baby with red hair immediately. Don’t just stand there, get to it.

And the new Duke and Duchess of Sussex lived happily ever. The End.

Harry: Life, Loss, and Love by Katie Nicholl
The author has been reporting on the Royal Family forever so she offers a standard biography. I’ll just go ahead and admit that I wouldn’t have picked it up were it not for Megs (I get to call her that because we’re totally besties), so the juiciest info relates to Prince Harry’s love life. There’s Zimbabwean-born Chelsy Davy, whose hobbies include wrestling crocodiles and breaking Prince Harry’s heart and some other girl, Cressida Bonas, who is not Meghan so who really cares? The author doesn’t get around to Meghan until Chapter 12 out of 16 and any self-respecting fan is already familiar with what’s covered.
Summary: Prince Sexy has been known to have a roving eye. He better not even think about it.
Rating: 

Prince Harry: The Inside Story by Duncan Larcombe
If you’re only going to read one Harry book, which means you probably have your own life, this is the one to read. Duncan Larcombe is the former royal editor of The Sun and has plenty of entertaining anecdotes from personal experience. Prince Harry has pulled a couple of pranks on Larcombe, who obviously has a soft spot for the rogue royal. The book was updated after the engagement so there are only two chapters about Megs, but it’ll arm you with insight that will serve you well when the Duke and Duchess of Sussex pop in for a cuppa.
Summary: We seriously want to down some Pimm’s with Prince Harry. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Rating: 

Meghan: A Hollywood Princess by Andrew Morton
I was on the fence about this one because Morton, who authored Diana: Her True Story, is kind of shady. Press mentions of the book focused on supposedly less-flattering details offered up by some Bitterella who used to be besties with Megs but got replaced by me. Most of the book is positive, but you know, haters gotta hate (Andrew Morton’s gotta egg it on). It seems like Morton just recently Googled “interracial marriage” and learned about Loving v. Virginia because he will not shut up about it. One tasty tidbit: Samantha Markle, Meghan’s ugly stepsister, has always been trifling and a bit mental.
Summary: OMG, you guys, Google says interracial marriage used to be illegal!
Rating: 

American Princess: The Love Story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry by Leslie Carroll
Leslie Carroll is totes invited to come hang out with Megs and me, just three American girls sipping Tignanello and dishing about The Crown. The author, who specializes in royal romances, is all in when it comes to the Meghan love.
Summary: Say anything negative about these two and Leslie Carroll will cut a bitch.
Rating: