![\"Rachel](\"http:\/\/tvrecappersdelight.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/rachel-bachelorette2.jpg\")
<\/a><\/span><\/em><\/p>\nElaine:<\/b> You are correct about my love for Miss Rachel Lindsay<\/a>. I am here for Rachel. And only Rachel. Restraining order be damned.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Starting hot with a dedicated father<\/a>, good job <\/span>Bachelorette<\/span><\/i>. Directly followed by a guy who lost his Mom to cancer, they are starting out with the heartstrings.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Yeah, that\u2019s heartbreaking but you know some other contestant is gonna go in there and say they lost their entire village in a drone attack or something. There\u2019s a lot of competitiveness when it comes to tragedy.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> The Rubik\u2019s Cube guy does not look like a beefhead. <\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> The Rubik\u2019s Cube is still a thing? You should\u2019ve solved that one in 1980, son. Oh, wait. He\u2019s hot. He said he likes to code. Brains are sexy. I\u2019m going to ignore the iffy hairstyle and give Alex my first impression rose. <\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Meh, I don\u2019t like the startup guy, too plain and I don\u2019t see Rachel wanting to incorporate a ton of Bollywood dancing into her life.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Yeah, no. Goodbye to Bollywood. Oh, God. I just read Alex\u2019s official bio<\/a>. He lists selfishness as one of his flaws. That\u2019s an insurmountable red flag. Also, he likes Coldplay. Dammit, Alex. Didn\u2019t we almost have it all?<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Lucas is a nut job<\/a>. He needs to get cut on the first night. Otherwise, we will be stuck with him on <\/span>Bachelor in Paradise <\/span><\/i>for the rest of our lives.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> I don\u2019t really understand this whole \u201cWhaboom\u201d catchphrase. I\u2019d say stop trying to make fetch happen but you know this jackass is going to end up being a whabillionaire. <\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Okay, if a guy goes on this much about how great he is at sex, you know he\u2019s a dead lay.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Sorry, Blake E.<\/a> You have failed to impress Andr\u00e9e. Please say your goodbyes and leave.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> I was on the phone and missed the last two guys but they looked cute and I\u2019m not rewinding. Okay, I got off the phone just in time to hear a guy talk about getting arrested. But now he is a lawyer so hey, good on him. Aww, \u201cI\u2019m coming to LA to make her my wife.\u201d That was kind of sweet.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> That is Josiah<\/a>. You missed Josiah\u2019s soul-crushing backstory. His brother hung himself and Josiah had to cut the body down from the tree. I get the vibe this one\u2019s going to be around for a while so I\u2019ve done the unthinkable and learned his name.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> OMG, I\u2019m glad I missed that, to be honest. Corrine!!! Be still my beating heart!<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Aww, I\u2019m so happy for you. Rachel obviously loves Corinne as much as we do so take a seat, haters. I don\u2019t remember any of these other bitches.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> I actually don\u2019t remember any of the other girls LOL, I don\u2019t even remember who won<\/a>. I <\/span>love<\/span><\/i> Rachel\u2019s dress. Definitely gets my stamp of approval. I find the men\u2019s limo entrances pretty boring. Without being about to judge all the competitors’ dresses it\u2019s hard to stay focused.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Right? Without dresses, how can we pass shallow judgment? Peter, first one out of the limo, is cute. Lots of bow ties. Welcome, Nation of Islam. One of these bros better offer Rachel a bean pie.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> No. No. And then this Urkel dude comes out. Blech, I would have cut him on the spot. Diggy would get cut too. No bad jokes allowed.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Urkel Guy is cute, too bad he wasted all that on a tragically unfunny gag. His name is Will.<\/a> I\u2019m only bothering to remember it because he\u2019s good-looking.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> So far this is a big mix of men from every background, I like that. I already forgot all the guys we met before, I am glad they stuck them all in one limo so that I can be reminded!<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Oh, right. There was a teaser intro “<\/a>After The Final Rose.” <\/a>I only remember some jackass with the \u201conce you go black, you never go back\u201d line right out of the starting gate. Oh, and here he is. His name is Dean. His choice in ties is as unfortunate as his lines. <\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> A marching band, I would say that\u2019s definitely an entrance. Wait, does it say he is an aspiring drummer? His job is aspiring drummer? I can\u2019t move past this.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Yes, but if a man tried to woo me with a marching band, I\u2019d overlook that dodgy \u201cjob\u201d description. That\u2019s Blake E., right? Isn\u2019t he the one who was talking about how big his drumstick is in the beginning? I\u2019m already confused.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Ewww, the yearbook guy is mad creepy. How did he pass the screening?<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine: <\/b>That\u2019s Fred.<\/a> <\/span>I believe his yearbook quote was: \u201cIt puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.\u201d<\/span> She was his camp counselor. Disturbing.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> OMG Tickle Monster is now a job title. Someone was drinking a little too much champagne when editing this episode.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> How come we can\u2019t get jobs like that? Do you think \u201cBitchy Drinker\u201d could be a title?<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> I think it fits our jobs to a tee! I hate these gimmicks. I don\u2019t understand the clean-up crew guy. I\u2019m already getting angry. I need to stop drinking this latte and start drinking bubbles so I can get in the right headspace to deal with men who dress up as penguins as their courting ritual.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> Latte? What is the matter with you? Copious amounts of alcohol are required for this \u201cjob.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> I guess I thought for some strange reason I could do it sober. Oh, how wrong I was. There are a lot of hot guys this year though, I am enjoying that.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> True. But after the Alex heartbreak, I\u2019m not ready to commit. Oh, FFS. This Adam person just showed up with a doll that looks like him. This is some kind of American Girl hellscape.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Of course just as I say that, Lucas the nutbird arrives. The second he did the Whaboom he\u2019d be back in that limo. Send it away.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> It\u2019s like Gallagher smashing watermelons. I don\u2019t get it but obviously, someone finds him amusing. Forced to choose, I\u2019d go with the doll.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e: <\/b>Lucas looks so familiar to me – had to get on Google and figure it out. He was on a reality show last year called <\/span>Ex Isle<\/i><\/a>.<\/a> He was actually the most normal guy on that entire show, so clearly, the Whaboom thing is an act he came up with over the last year to try to up his reality game. \u00a0Now we are building sandcastles in designer gowns, how lovely.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> I don\u2019t like the idea of building a tabletop sandcastle with the \u201conce you go black\u201d jackass. I\u2019ve warmed up to the creepy doll. It speaks French.<\/a> <\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Oooooh, I love the fur stole.<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> So glam. I love all the testosterone-fueled competitiveness. I hope there is a lot of that this year. I want to see them hopped up on \u2018roids and Red Bull so there\u2019s lots of drama and physical altercations. There it is, Blake E. and his drumstick hate Whaboom. Listen up, America; the Bachelor and Bachelorette are contractually required to pick a weirdo. It happens every season. Whaboom is going to be that weirdo. Rachel will have to pick him. I\u2019m telling you right now so you don\u2019t get all whipped up when he gets that rose.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Yeah this is basically just like watching a dick-swinging competition. Whaaboom will probably make it through three or four episodes! Unfortunately probably also <\/span>Bachelor in Paradise. <\/span><\/i>Oh, there is a Bryan <\/a>with a \u201cy,\u201d my hubby would be voting for him for sure!<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine:<\/b> I like that he\u2019s attempting to charm her with Spanish. I see Bryan and the doll butting heads.<\/span><\/p>\n Andr\u00e9e:<\/b> Whoa!\u00a0He went in for an aggressive kiss.<\/a> And that aggressive kiss won him the first impression rose!<\/span><\/p>\n Elaine: <\/b>To accept this rose in English, press 1. Poor Bollywood is incredibly drunk and making a fool out of himself. I feel bad for him. Oh, wait. I\u2019m me. I don\u2019t feel bad at all. Rose ceremony time! <\/span><\/p>\n