Let’s start with an apology. While I was off visiting England, our intrepid The Bachelor analyst was at home sitting through this flustercluck all by herself. I’m back and ready to snark with the internationally known Andrée H. — Elaine F.

Ben and Lauren
Photos: ABC

Well ladies and probably a few begrudging men, it’s that time of year already. Time for the final rose. Heading into this episode, I stand by my prediction: Lauren will be taking this one. If I had to guess, since I have had lots of time to think on this, I think that the fact that he “loves” two women was totally contrived by the producers. I almost believed it, right up until last week when I assumed the two women were Lauren and Caila. Now that I know JoJo, who Ben treats like a sister, is one of the two loves, I don’t believe it for a second. I already know what is going to happen and I don’t see breaking up with your sister being all that heartbreaking. I am, however, looking forward to finding out who our next Bachelorette will be on After the Final Rose. I think it will be Amanda or Caila; Britt might have a shot. Speaking of shots, the liquor store is closed for another hour, so I am going to have a go at this sober. No promises, I have three hours straight of this to get through, here in an hour I might very likely be pressing pause and doing a run!

Andrée: Oh yes, I forgot that he tells each girl that he is in love with the other one. I know I am committing the cardinal sin of letting the previews get me excited, but I am happy they came up with something to keep me interested in this episode.

Elaine: Based on the previews, I was tricked into thinking there’d be a girl with a black eye this season so I refuse to be bamboozled again. I’ll just assume all the juicy spoilers aren’t going to happen. Achooo! I have an awful cold right now so I can’t throw back the wine. I can, however, drink as many hot toddies as I can to get through this.

Andrée: I like how when Chris Harrison asked the crowd if Ben will choose JoJo he was met with complete silence.

Elaine: (Silence)

Andrée: Really, getting married live on After the Final Rose is almost as bad as getting married on the beach on Bachelor in Paradise with your attendees wearing swim suits. Seriously I can’t understand why Ben wants to get married tonight. I hope he does, and I hope they get divorced a month later for being idiots.

Elaine: So to get this straight, Ben is ready to get married in front of the studio audience and both girls’ families are there? Did I hear that right? Are JoJo’s overprotective brothers there? If that’s the case, he better pick JoJo or there will be an honor killing.

Andrée: Must be awkward being the ladies’ parents, sitting around waiting to see if your daughter is getting married tonight while watching footage of the man your daughter might be marrying in an hour making out with another woman. What has this show turned into? Why are we supporting this?

Elaine: We are craven individuals who like to point and laugh at the feeble-minded ladies who go on this show.

Andrée: Time for Round 2 with Ben’s parents. I wonder if his mom will like these two better than the twinsy waitress?

Elaine: Oh, of course, she will. The twin’s career ambition was to sling buffalo wings at Hooters.

Andrée: Lauren is up first meeting the parents. I feel like they are trying to throw us off by putting his top choice first. Now those are some serious flowers she is bringing the mother. I like a big bouquet. They bring out all of the ooey gooey qualities in each other that I cannot stand. I do think they are a perfect match, just as long as I never have to see them.

Elaine: They are perfectly matched. Take that as you will.

Andrée: I feel like Ben’s parents have a lot more personality and swag than Ben.

Elaine: I am sitting around in pajamas featuring  a monkey pattern and surrounded by crumpled tissues and I have more swag than Ben.

Andrée: I always find it a bit weird to call your mate’s parents by their first name. I just don’t do that. I call them Mom and Dad or nothing at all.

Elaine: I wouldn’t think of calling Ma Flores by her first name. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Andrée: I am so sick of hearing how Ben called himself unloveable. It’s not enough to base an entire season around one statement. Do you get the sense that Ben thinks he is unlovable because of his mom? I get the sense she is pretty hard to please.

Elaine: I hadn’t thought of it but could be. A grown man is going on national TV to repeatedly declare his unlovable status, that’s not normal. On the other hand, it could be a douchey way to appeal to women’s heartstrings.

Andrée: Oh yippee. Now we get to watch Ben and Lauren say “like” to each other a hundred times in one three minute conversation. It’s still another 40 minutes until the liquor store opens. Kill me now.

Elaine: The struggle is real.

Andrée: Time for Sister JoJo’s date with dear old mom and dad. JoJo’s bouquet is smaller, but much classier flowers, I almost think she wins the gift round. Wow, he just said “Mother and Father, this is JoJo”. Who calls their parents Mother and Father?

Elaine: Who gets to make a fast buck by telling America–and Canada, of course–that you are not worthy of love?

Andrée: They are doing a good job of making JoJo look like she has a chance. She is winning the meet-the parents-date. JoJo is vibing with Ben’s mom and dad so much better than Lauren it’s unreal. I am sure it’s all editing but damn.

Elaine: JoJo is exhibiting more personality than Lauren. How’s that for some faint praise?

Andrée: Well there you go, Ben’s mother just laid it out on the line. My pick is not being swayed by this but almost. “Lauren was very polished, great gal.” “JoJo has fallen in love with you and considers you to be almost a best friend. One of the things JoJo did was answer a  lot of the questions I had, JoJo got to it before I did.” It’s clear she doesn’t really like Lauren. The liquor store is closed. This is a truly cruel and unusual form of punishment.

Elaine: Thank you for your service during these trying times.

Andrée: I think what you are really looking for Ben is a couple of rolls in the hay so you can judge them on their stamina and creativity before putting a ring on it.

Elaine: Ugh, I can’t imagine. I can imagine, but it’s not the kind of imagining that causes tingles.

Andrée: Ben is just the worst. I don’t understand why he is wasting this perfectly good date. “What’s wrong?” “Things are too perfect.” Shut up. So his issue with Lauren is that it’s been too perfect and they haven’t been tested through rough times. So his solution is to immediately marry her and not leave any time to have a relationship in the real world to actually have your relationship tested? Smart.

Elaine: At this point, my contribution to this recap could just be one-word insults. Dork, schmuck, dud.

Andrée: Is it just me, or do they not have the ability to have a real conversation? The most that they can get out is I am confused, or I am totally “ like” ready.

Elaine: Curse the editors for all of this filler. Lauren is going to win, we knew that during their first one-one, let’s keep it moving.

Andrée: Must be strange not having an overnight after their last date being a fantasy suite.

Elaine: You say fantasy, I say hellscape. Ben strikes me as the type who need to cuddle and talk about his feelings.

Andrée: I am seriously going to need to go get some booze to deal with this. Liquor store opens in 15 minutes, that’s just enough time to get dressed and walk over there. Pausing!

Elaine: Try watching this with a stuffed up nose, scratchy throat and coughing fits.

Andrée: I am back! Now armed with a mimosa, I am totally ready to face the last half of this thing. Time for JoJo’s date.  I am going to pray for a less boring date than the last one.

Elaine: Good luck with all that.

Andrée: She called him babe again…poor thing.

Elaine: Poor JoJo. It’s like a sweet baby seal that’s about to get clubbed.

Andrée: I just realized something. We already finished Lauren’s date and he didn’t tell her that he is in love with JoJo–tricked by the damn previews again!

Elaine: I’m moving on to more one-word insults for Ben. Cad, louse, hobbledehoy.

Andrée: Aww, she called him babe again. Everytime she says that my heart breaks for her a little bit.

Elaine: Damnit, now I’m starting to feel bad for JoJo after a whole season of just mocking/ignoring her. The only reason I think she might be sincerely falling for this schnook, dunce, pipsqueak is because we know from the hometown date that she is the worst actress on the planet. The scene where she was “surprised” by the letter from her boyfriend deserved a Golden Raspberry Award.

Andrée: Well he at least told JoJo he is confused between the two girls, but he hasn’t come right out and told her that he is also in love with Lauren. Where do they even get the material for these previews?

Elaine: We talked about this. Next season, we have to pinky-swear not to even watch the tricky previews.

Andrée: Sorry JoJo, I think you are going to end up looking like a fool.

Elaine: She introduced herself to Ben wearing a gigantic unicorn mask. I don’t think she has to worry about maintaining her dignity.

Andrée: It’s awkward watching this. He tells JoJo that he loves Lauren, but he doesn’t tell Lauren, I guess.

Elaine: Imma need to check my thesaurus for more insults.

Andrée: I would dump him right there.

Elaine: Blockhead.

Andrée: Well that’s the point of the show JoJo, you compete with other people for a man. That’s the whole show.

Elaine: Poor JoJo. Sweet, simple JoJo. I guess she thought the other couple of dozen girls were there to be her bridesmaids.I don’t think this is a cold anymore, I think it’s a fast-acting virus. I’m not sure I’ll be alive by the end of this show. Pour some Nyquil out for me when I’m gone. Ugh, so Ben’s  breakup strategy is to tell JoJo that he loves her but not enough because she’s not Lauren so she can hit the road.

Andrée: I feel terrible for JoJo. Imagine being JoJo’s parents right now–imagine being Lauren’s parents right now for that matter. So awkward to have to sit there and watch it with a crowd and Chris Harrison surrounding you. If I was there, I’d be the one snoring loudly.

Elaine: I’d be the one munching popcorn as JoJo’s brothers prepare for the honor killing. Ben Higgins better sleep with one eye open.

Andrée: I imagine he decided he wants to get married right after the show airs to end the conversation about the fact that he wasn’t sure about which girl he was most in love with up until the proposal. I love JoJo’s dress so much.

Elaine: You are getting way too soft about JoJo.

Andrée: JoJo’s jawline looks really British. I wonder if she has some Brit blood.

Elaine: I wonder how much of Ben’s blood will be spilled by her brothers.

Andrée:  Gorgeous setting for the proposal/dumping. Love it. I’m wanting to go back to Jamaica right now so badly. Their tourism board is decidedly more happy with the show than Bahama’s tourism board I am guessing.

Elaine: Totally. The Bahamas tourism board can boast about foul weather, choppy water and beaches infested with vicious wild pigs.

Andrée: And it’s a pink dress exiting the helicopter first. Sorry JoJo. Everyone saw this coming but you.

Elaine: She looks so hopeful. Poor JoJo, I’m going soft. I blame this on the fatal illness that I’ve come down with since the episode started.

Andrée: Ben doesn’t even manage to muster up a smile when JoJo walks in. Way to give it all away, buddy. Terrible actor.

Elaine: Golem, blockhead, miscreant,

Andrée: He looks like he is going to throw up while JoJo is giving her little speech.

Elaine: Poor JoJo. This is like a snuff film. The Feds should investigate.

Andrée: He can’t even really get his words out. He should take a moment to consider the fact that he doesn’t say “like” around her, and maybe he shouldn’t attach himself to someone who  brings down his vocabulary.  He’s using all past tense language.

Elaine: In true crime, the cops always get suspicious when the missing person is described in the past tense, as in: “Hello cops, my wife has been missing a day. She was so full of life.”

Andrée: “I found it with you, but I found it with someone else more.” Ouch.

Elaine: And this right here is why you are unlovable, Ben. He is such a punk. Just be a man about it.

Andrée: Don’t keep telling her that you love her after you break up with her. That’s such a dick move. She just wants to run.

Elaine: These sniffles are 100 percent due to my  brain-eating 24-hour killer plague and not because I feel a little bad for JoJo.

Andrée:  It’s not okay, JoJo. He’s a total dick. You have every right to feel totally blindsided.

Elaine: Poor JoJo. How humiliating. He shouldn’t have been so encouraging.

Andrée: Good for her telling him that he shouldn’t have told her that he loves her. It was just so out of line. Those words should never be taken lightly. You don’t toy with someone’s damn emotions like that you heartless bastard.

Elaine: If I recover from this case of the black death, I’ll gladly get a pitchfork and torch and head for Ben. Maybe JoJo’s brothers can give me a lift.

Andrée: That’s the line right there that got him into a same-day marriage. He should have never said I am about to get on one knee and propose but I am confused about that because I love JoJo. I bet Lauren wanted to dump him after the fact and he had to make it up to her by marrying her ASAP. After all, she’s a proper lady.

Elaine: It really cheapens his alleged love for Lauren.

Andrée: You obviously don’t love Lauren with all of your heart if you also love JoJo. That doesn’t even make sense.

Elaine: You are overestimating Ben’s sense-making abilities.

Andrée: “I wanna wake up every morning and kiss you on the face.” I guess that’s romantic. She’s not even smiling. Until he brings out the ring. That’s when my smile would disappear. I’d be like: “Where’s your taste?” Nope, don’t like the ring at all. Especially not on her stubby little fingers.

Elaine: Whatevs. This isn’t that climactic.

Andrée: Okay it’s all sunshine and lollipops. I guess you only get the helicopter ride home if  you have a happy ending. Let’s get to After the Final Rose.

Elaine: Dear God, when will this end?

Andrée: Could you have not shaved your face for your potential wedding day, Ben? Based on that terrible outfit he isn’t getting married tonight. Who gets married in a checked shirt with a striped tie and a checkered blazer, with a different checked pocket square? It’s all making me dizzy. He looks like a 13- year-old boy who raided his dad’s closet for a date.

Elaine: Nailed it!

Andrée: Time for commercials then we get to see JoJo. Prediction: she’ll have her boobs out. Time for a refill! We’re back. Her everything is out!

Elaine: This is JoJo’s revenge outfit. She wants him to see what he’s not missing.

Andrée: I can’t stop staring at JoJo’s shoes. Can we just stay focused on them? I’d enjoy this segment so much more with constant shoe porn.

Elaine: That’s a good idea. A little pop-up detailing their outfits.

Andrée: I feel like I didn’t give much commentary on that part. What can I say? She held her head high. It was fine. Commercial break.

Elaine: There is nothing else to say. Ben had to choose, he picked someone else. Game over.

Andrée: You are kidding me. JoJo. JoJo is the freaking Bachelorette. Why? Why? She wasn’t even remotely on the list of contenders. I can’t tell you how much this upsets me. Screw this show.

Elaine: Ugh, I just can’t.

Andrée: I already didn’t care to see Lauren but now I really don’t care. I might have to boycott this damn show again for another season.

Elaine:  Me too. But I won’t.

Andrée: Doesn’t sound like we are getting a wedding tonight. The suspense is already gone considering Lauren just said they want a short engagement but they want to date a little bit first.

Andrée: Obviously they aren’t getting married tonight.

Elaine: Of course not, they are holding out for the two-hour spectacular.

Andrée: I am so disappointed with their selection. I don’t know if I want to watch next season. I can tell you right now if it wasn’t for this recap it would be a solid no. Problem is that I cannot wait for Bachelor in Paradise and if I don’t watch JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, I won’t know who half the guys on the beach are. That’s how they get you with this franchise.

I just don’t understand JoJo as a selection for The Bachelorette. What I think happened, is they fabricated this whole pretend double love story so that we would have a reason to feel terribly sorry for JoJo. I sincerely hope that I will one day be able to kick The Bachelor cold turkey, until then, I’m going to keep the fridge well stocked with Prosecco! 

Elaine G. Flores, Chief Editor

Elaine is the chief editor of TV Recappers' Delight. She's an experienced entertainment reporter, reviewer, editor, blogger, columnist and Bon Vivant.