Photo courtesy of ABC

The Bachelor trades in hyperbole, it’s always “the most dramatic episode ever” and the “most shocking moment ever” so let’s just go ahead and call this the most boring episode ever. Thank goodness we have Bachelor aficionado Andrée H. to analyze what went wrong. Andrée is the best recapper ever. She never wakes you up at 4 a.m. — Elaine F.

The previews did a really good job of making this episode look like it was going to be dramatic, but it was the biggest snooze fest of all time. Ben managed to zap any ounce of entertainment out of the episode. Have you ever heard of Dan Bilzerian? I recommend you check out his Instagram and then tell me that it wouldn’t be the most interesting season ever if he was The Bachelor. He’d probably end up paying for everything himself just so the dates would be more his style. You know the challenges would be who looks hotter rolling in on a tank in a bikini shooting large-caliber, high-velocity guns in slo-mo. Instead, we get Ben inspecting weaves and retainers with a flashlight at 4 a.m. Sigh.

Andrée: This episode was promoted on Instagram all week, and I have not been excited. I don’t want to see Ben pretend to be a model and walk down a catwalk. Especially not with the kindergarten chicken lady.

Elaine: Right? Lauren H. may be even less interesting than Ben. This suite at the Four Seasons is posh. Travel is one of the only valid reasons to be on The Bachelor. That and fame whoredom.

Andrée: True story. I wonder if  all the ladies just do mad sightseeing while Ben is on dates or if they are just locked up in a hotel the whole time. I hope for their sake that they get to be tourists on their off time. If your lifelong goal is to sell FabFitFun subscriptions on Instagram then you  have no career path other than being a Bachelor castoff.

Elaine: Amanda’s baby voice annoys me, as did Whitney’s from Chris Soules’ season. Come to think of it, I didn’t like Andi Dorfman’s voice either and I had to hear it on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Is it too much to ask that the next Bachelorette have a melodious voice?

Amanda

Andrée: I hate her baby voice. I do wonder if it’s a result of baby-talking her kids all the time. In Whitney’s case, she was creating babies all day long at work. I can’t stand it either. Whenever I hear someone using a baby voice I feel like they are using that to trick someone into something. It’s shifty.

Elaine: Whitney created babies? What the hell kind of job is that? Was she a mad scientist? Oooh, a Revlon mascara commercial. Confession: I’m always suckered by mascara ads and commercials. I believe that if I use this product my lashes will be as long and full as Olivia Wilde’s, she wouldn’t lie, would she? Believing in the promise of mascara commercials is like believing these contestants are in it for true love. You know it’s not the truth, but you want to believe. Actually, that is not true at all. I know The Bachelor is a crock. I still want the long and lush lashes, though. Smart women, foolish choices.

Andrée: You don’t remember? Whitney works at a fertility clinic! It was the only interesting thing about her! I despise mascara commercials because I want to believe, but my mascara graveyard tells me otherwise. Now I just drunkenly yell at the screen, “Look at that brush, that brush is clump city. You are a scam!” I wanted to get eyelash extensions and just call it a day, but the price for that is kind of unreal. You could add up my entire mascara graveyard and that still costs less. I digress.

Elaine: Ben is waking up Amanda at 4 a.m. for their one-on-one date. I can’t think of any situation where that is acceptable. Maybe for a red-eye flight to Paris, but that’s about it. Filming of these scenes takes forever, right? And they hardly ever eat. I hope Amanda is really cranky at the end of the date and gets into a big fight with him because she is tired and hangry.

Andrée: Unacceptable. Seriously.“Whose weave is this?” Ben is so nosy, eh? Kindergarten chicken teacher really looks like she needs a little extra beauty sleep. Notice how Amanda is the only one wearing full makeup in bed? These girls don’t take any chances when they know their date is up next eh?

Elaine: Some of these ladies don’t wake up pretty. I won’t mention any names. Which one of these dames sleeps with her fake hair on her bedside? This would be a great competition. Eliminate whoever wakes up looking the most ratchet.

Andrée: I am so the meaner of us. Somehow I am not surprised Ben sleeps with a retainer. Thinks he keeps his pocket protector on in bed too?

Elaine: Hee. I only didn’t say it because I knew you would. Good cop, bad cop. Amanda looks lovely when she wakes up, so I take back making fun of her voice. I’m shallow and fickle like that.

Andrée: Her voice is driving me crazy. And she’s said  “like” 100 times. And now, like, Ben is like, doing it too, and I just like, you know, like. Kill them both!

Elaine: A hot air balloon is a good date, but not 4 a.m. in the morning good. Picnicking in the high grass is supposed to be romantic, I just think about all the insects and how you get grass stains on your outfit.

Andrée: No 4 a.m. date is good. Nothing that he surprised me with would make it okay. I guess he figures since she is a mom she is used to waking up to unpleasant situations at all hour.

Elaine: I love how he asks her about taking time for herself and she says she doesn’t get to do that. Bitch, you ran off to do a reality show to meet the kids’ next daddy.

Andrée: Seriously? Who can take three months off from their lives? I am a freaking housewife and I couldn’t do that.

Elaine: I’m back to not liking Amanda. I don’t care about her cheating ex-husband.  Jubilee lost her whole family, her whole village in Haiti and everyone she ever knew, so tough luck, Amanda.

Andrée: It’s the best way to stay, make the guy feel sorry for you. I think they do it with hopes of being the next Bachelorette. What they don’t realize is that the viewers are over the sad-sack shit. Proof of that, the girl that got to be Bachelorette last year was best known for her line: “Wanna plow my field?”

Elaine: Jubilee is pouting a lot and the previews look like there is going to be drama. I suspect I have to bid adieu to my sister. Well, no matter what, take comfort in the fact that you survived five episodes and even got some time on screen, so that’s a great moment in Black History.

Andrée: We have to do some research on this, but I am pretty sure she has definitely made Bachelor history at this point. They have made her look really crazy in the previews every single week, then her date comes along and it’s pretty much normal. I have truly tuned out of Amanda and Ben’s date. Is it just me, or does Ben get less and less attractive every week? He’s looking less like a man and more like a child to me. They have got to stop picking the losers to be the Bachelor. Bring in a muscular millionaire. Someone that 25 women would actually all want to catfight over. This is what I am craving.  

Elaine: I wish you would cast the show. It’s so annoying that we always get one of the also-rans. I really want to see what’s happening in the Iowa caucus. Who will get the rose? Who will have to cry in the limo?

Andrée: Please God, let Trump be crying in his limo, though I fear that won’t be the case. I am a Canadian, I don’t normally care much about American politics but the feminist in me wants Hillary to win and the sensible person in me wants to move to Europe if Trump wins.

Elaine: Speaking of foreign countries, since they are in Mexico, the group-date competition should involve “Girls Gone Wild” antics. I wish the show would hire me to come up with ideas. The date is a Spanish lesson? Dios mio!

Andrée: Now that I would enjoy watching. Or Ben could be a piñata? I have too much hate inside me. Must be from this Spanish lesson.

Elaine: Jubes is so obviously giving this date side-eye. That’s why you be will be sent to your casa, muchacha.

Andrée: Probably because these women are all telling Ben they love him in Spanish. Love comes easy on this show.

Elaine: I don’t mind this cooking competition. If he got all the women barefoot and pregnant, they could go do a sister wives’ show on TLC.

Andrée: This is a true test out the wifey skills. I do like that. Now he can tell if they are good sports, if they are jealous and if they can cook. I mean that’s about all you need to know.

Elaine: To learn this recipe in English, press 1.

Andrée: The recipes are in Spanish? All they taught them was how to say “I love you.”  I hope that Olivia can cook, otherwise, her plan on partnering up with Ben might be a total fail. Shopping for ingredients in a foreign marketplace is so Amazing Race. What show are we watching again? Woah, there is an old saying that when a woman knows how to cook she’s ready to get married?  It was the opposite for me. I got married, then I figured I best learn how to cook.

Elaine: Back to the date, good for Jubes and Lauren B. winning the cooking competition. They better not let Olivia near the knives. She’s my girl and all, but a woman dead behind the eyes should not be allowed to play with sharp objects.

Andrée:  I love that Jubilee and Lauren B. won after Ben was complaining that they weren’t having any fun during the competition. Imagine that, cooking requires concentration—especially when the recipe is in a language you can’t understand.

Elaine:  Sorry ,Jubes but the pouting and whining to Ben about his attention to all the other girls is getting old. I guess Ben feels the same way, this sounds like a breakup chat. Oh, it is a breakup chat. Getting the boot on a date is awful. Well, at least, she’s going home with dignity. Sad dignity, but dignity nonetheless. Wow, they sent her out in a taxi. She didn’t get the chance to sob in the limo. Oh, well, adios.

Jubilee

Andrée: You just cannot give stank-eye over and over again on dates. You certainly can’t pull your hand away on The Bachelor. I guess in all fairness, there is really no way to prepare yourself to date a man along with 24 other women, but I don’t really think he should have sent her home because I do believe that she said all of the right things in this chat together.

Elaine: The preparation is to watch every other season. Don’t worry, Jubes, you can do so much better than Ben Higgins. Ben feels the need to go back to the date and discuss his feelings for Jubilee? Weird. JoJo is smart to take the chance to help him through the pain by interrupting so she can get alone time. Well, her lips are the remedy for a broken heart.

Andrée: Everything about Ben is weird. I love that JoJo didn’t even give him a chance to finish his sentence. “Jubilee is gone? Who cares? I’m going to steal you for a minute. It’s chilly, let me wear your jacket.”

Elaine: I always fall for the jacket maneuver, it’s chivalrous. Olivia gets the group date rose—again! These other girls are probably going to ram it down her throat. They mad. They so mad.

Andrée: Look at his choices. This is such a boring season. There were a few good crazies but he just got rid of them right away.

Elaine: Ben says he has a great day planned for his solo date with Lauren H. “Planned.” I’m sure it was Ben’s idea to go to Fashion Week. That doesn’t sound like the kind of date a straight man plans, but okay. Well, she gets to walk the catwalk so that’s fun. He’s modeling too in that … colorful shirt. You look totally straight, Ben…

Andrée: I love fashion. I hate this date. Boy, if I was Ben, I would be trading up. One of those models would make for a far more interesting second half of the date.

Elaine: Lauren H. gives me a case of the “mehs.”  Her cheating boyfriend story is boring, too. Props to Ben for maintaining eye-contact and feigning interest in all of these true confessions.

Andrée: I swear these men are cheating due to boredom. Men, and women, if you are bored, leave. Don’t cheat. What’s the point? Why have a fun romp in the hay and then go home to listen to your kindergarten chicken teacher girlfriend talk about how your life goals should be to marry a woman who will be best friends with all the other soccer moms? Gag! Dump her. Move on. This is my life advice.

Elaine: So, we need a scorecard. I think you should do casting, I should plan dates or something—I forgot what job I was assigned— and you should be a philosopher/relationship expert. Is this episode dull or is it the Benadryl that I took a couple of hours ago? Even Olivia’s drama isn’t interesting this week.

Andrée: It’s so boring I keep drifting off and playing with my phone then remembering that I am in the middle of writing a recap and I am definitely supposed to be paying close attention. So now we are at dinner. Woo hoo! This should be riveting. So Lauren H.’s  story is that she waited a whole year before dating again? That’s pretty standard. “I was cheated on, and now, I am willing to have sex again, I am so proud of myself. “ Jubilee’s entire family was killed and you sent her home because she wouldn’t hold your hand. I guess since Ben is so unlovable he is only looking for the truly scorned women. Lauren H. is another terrible kisser. Why does it always look like he is trying to push them away and they are trying to pull him into a vise grip during makeout sessions.

Elaine: So, we have another moment of outrage because Olivia referenced Amanda’s kids. These girls are pretty self-righteous.

Andrée: I am sure Olivia didn’t mean to be rude with the Teen Mom comment—I think it’s stemming from the talk about joint custody, probably the only time Olivia has heard a convo like that outside of on TV. This whole scene is giving me such déjà vu. I feel like it happened last week. Must have been in the previews.

Lauren H.

Elaine: I know the show always fakes us out with the previews, but I swear, didn’t it look like Jubilee ran off in tears in the season previews? I could swear there was a scene of her having a meltdown in a stairway. I know there was a scene of one of these dames with a black eye and we’d better see it. Ah, it’s the mandatory “Watch out for this other girl who is not here for the right reasons” moment. Now Emily just sounds jealous, catty and insecure.

Andrée: Being the tattletale just makes her seem like a little kid who doesn’t belong here, especially since she is crying while doing it. Good on Olivia for attempting to quash the situation. A cool, calm and collected bitch always has her trash-talking radar on.

Accept no imitations.

Elaine: Since when do they get to make phone calls unless it’s to their kid or whatever? Emily gets to cry crocodile tears to her twin who got sent home. I’m watching her and just thinking that Lauren Conrad and her running mascara did it first and she did it better. Have a seat, Em.

Andrée: Yeah I do not understand this phone call thing at all. Her sister should tell her to buck up, stop crying and stop focusing on other women. She might as well just go home now.

Elaine: Emily isn’t interesting. Aside from stunt casting with the twin, she offers nothing. Now Ben is asking Amanda about Olivia. Amanda should not take the bait. Besides, why would Ben ditch the hottest girl in the house because the other girls don’t like her? Ugh, to be continued! I want to know what happens!

Andrée: Amanda is the type to continue with this nonsense. It makes me really angry that this is working. Every single year the homely girls all gang up on the hot one to get her kicked out. And every single year it works. But normally not this quickly. If he takes away her rose this soon, I would be surprised. Judging by the previews from next week though, it sure looks like my Olivia will be sticking around! Yee haw!

Girls left: JoJo, Becca, Lauren B., Amanda, Lauren H., Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Safe from elimination: Amanda, Lauren H. and Olivia.

Buh-Bye: Jubilee

I think it’s possible that this was the most boring episode of The Bachelor that I have ever seen in my entire life. I literally had to rewind five times in order to complete the recap! However with that being said, I am actually excited to tune into next week’s episode and see whether or not Olivia will be getting the boot. Seems to me like if you are an 8 or above in the looks department, it is pretty difficult to actually get an engagement on The Bachelor! Can’t wait to see what else is in store for next week, hopefully it will be getting rid of the twin and lots of Olivia love, but we will just have to wait and see!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.