Downton Abbey’s Lady Mary Bombshell: I’m a Horrible Person

She’s got beauty, brains, well-timed barbs and a level of self-absorption that just won’t quit. But what is Lady Mary really like? In this exclusive one-on-one, Mary sits down at her dressing table to dispel any notions that maybe she’s really not that bad, after all.

Thank you for granting this interview.

You’re welcome, would you fetch my pearls?

Um, maybe you’re looking for your lady’s maid, Anna?

Oh, that’s right. I forgot that I sent her off to Walgreen’s to pick up some birth control for me.

Oh, that’s rather personal. Wouldn’t you want to do that yourself?

Of course, not. What if someone saw me? It would cause talk.

Don’t you think it might cause talk for Anna, too?

Why are we talking about someone else? This is all about me, right?

Yes, right. So what’s a day in your life like?

That’s better, we’re back to me. Well, Anna comes in the morning to help me dress and listen to me talk about myself. I do make it a point to show some interest in the servants’ lives. I occasionally ask how she’s doing covering up her husband’s murder spree. After that, I head down to breakfast, where my family usually takes a few minutes to pretend it’s not all about me. In that case, we might mention something about Cousin Oliver, I mean, what’s that girl’s name again? The bubbly one who was trying to get her swirl on last year.

I believe you mean Rose.

That’s right, Rose. I wonder what’s taking Anna so long. These pearls aren’t going to clasp themselves.

So we hear there’s a man in your life.

Just one man! Heavens, no. There are two suitors lurking about. They swooped in right after whats-his-name died.

Whats-his-name?

Oh, you know the one. He drove off the road or something dreary like that.

Do you mean the love of your life, Matthew?

Right, that’s his name. Well, he’s gone so I have found a couple of men to toy with: Lord Gillingham and Charles Blake.

Which one do you prefer?

Eh, Charles, I guess. That other one was okay, but he got all talky after sex. The important thing is I provide people with possibilities to ship. I hear some of them think my brother-in-law Tom is keen on me. I don’t care as long as the focus is on me.

Speaking of relationships, we are sorry to hear about your sister Edith’s tragedy.

What tragedy? Oh, you’re probably talking about her one last shot at happiness with Gregson. Yes, she has been moping about. Edith does tend to try to grab attention, doesn’t she? It was sad news, but I don’t know what took her so long to figure out he wasn’t coming back. He was a nice fellow, though I’m not sure what he saw in her. She certainly doesn’t have the face to launch a thousand ships. Ships! How funny. I inadvertently made a pun about shipping.

How have you helped her cope?

I give her a vaguely sympathetic expression now and then. She’s so dramatic and self-pitying all  the time. I’m quite busy, you know. I don’t lounge around all day. I’ve got to go to dress shows, smirk at Mabel Lane Fox, attend point-to-points. Oh, do tell me what you think of my new ‘do. So cute, right? I’ve been thinking of chopping it off ever since I read “Bernice Bobs Her Hair” by that Fitzgerald chap. Of course, it all goes horribly wrong for Bernice, but I knew everyone would love it on me. Bobs are the new blue harem pants.

So, what have we not asked you that you’d like to tell us about yourself?

I love animals. Last year, Charles Blake and I saved some pigs. I got muddy, which proves that I’m kind of cool. Papa’s beloved dog seems quite ill and I stopped long enough to say something flippant. I certainly can’t help it that the world revolves around me. Well, except downstairs, where it’s always about Anna and that tightly-wound assassin she married. Bravo for them hogging up all the story downstairs. It’s just what I would do. Speaking of which, where is Anna?