A Very Sleepy Christmas
Photo courtesy of Fox
Christmas is a time for family and we are all Sleepy Sisters. Let’s pretend we’re gathered around the fire and there is no ultra conservative uncle around saying: “What I like about Trump is that he speaks his mind.” Enough about that. Time to discuss our favorite Sleepy Hollow gifts from the past year. Let’s go!
Abbie took her BAMF ways to the past It went like this:
Abbie: Hi.
1781: Hi, slave.
Abbie: Say what now?
1781: Well, you’re a black lady so we just assumed…
Abbie: Whatever, I’m here to save my Boo.
Ichabod: Can I help you?
Abbie: Hi, I’m from the future. I just wanted to let you know that your wife is a traitorous witch. I know this is heavy.
Ichabod: Whoa. Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that my wife has plans to kill me?
Abbie: Precisely. I told you this is heavy.
Ichabod: There’s that word again. “Heavy.” Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth’s gravitational pull?
Abbie: Come with me if you want to live.
Ichabod: Okay. I wish Ben Franklin would stop hitting on you.
Ichabod got a quickie divorce. It went like this:
Katrina: Whisper, whisper, whisper.
Ichabod: What?
Katrina: Whisper, whisper, whisper.
Ichabod: Would you please speak the fuck up?
Katrina: I’m going to kill Abbie. Wait, what are you doing with that shiv?
Ichabod: Girl, bye.
Sleepy Hollow got renewed. It went like this:
Fox: Hi. What’s up?
Sleepyheads: What’s up is that you are acting all crazy and somebody has been messing up our story but we still want a third season.
Fox: (silence)
Sleepyheads: We will Tweet.
Fox: (silence)
Sleepyheads: We will Tumblr.
Fox: (silence)
Sleepyheads: We will get blisters voting in polls.
Fox: (silence)
Sleepyheads: Seriously, we will make your lives a living hell.
Fox: Okay, you win. We will air the show on Thursday nights at the same time Scandal is on.
Sleepyheads: FML.
Fox: Okay, fine, we’ll move it to Fridays.
Sleepyheads: That’s better.
Photo courtesy of Fox
Ichabod came crawling back to Abbie. It went like this:
Ichabod: Hi.
Abbie: Hi. What happened to you?
Ichabod: Well, after I shivved my wife, I went to grieve.
Abbie: Then what?
Ichabod: I found this artifact, it means we still have Witnessing to do.
Abbie: That is not an artifact. It’s a bogus souvenir that you got at the duty-free shop at LaGuardia.
Ichabod: No, it’s real.
Abbie: It smells like Cinnabon.
Ichabod: No, read it. That’s Sumerian. See that engraving? Look closely.
Abbie: Made in China.
Ichabod: (snatches it away). It says “Our fates entwined.”
Abbie: Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I’ve got to stop by my office.
Ichabod: Wow. Despite the fact that you are a rookie FBI agent, who just graduated from Quantico, you have a humongous office. Hey, who is that guy who looked at you for one second? That is a second too long. He better not be your chocolatey ex-boyfriend. I will shiv his ass and bury the body next to Andy Brooks and Hawley and Calvin.
Abbie: What?
Ichabod: So do you mind if I sleep in your backseat?
Abbie: What?
Ichabod: Well, I know you live out of your car…
Abbie: I actually own a home now. It’s got a porch, and mahogany wood and pocket doors and a modern kitchen.
Ichabod: What’s the bedroom like? I could stay in the car until I get an apartment or maybe a homeless shelter…
Abbie: Do you want to stay with me “untill you [cough, cough] get your own place?”
Ichabod: Yay!!!! I will spend all my time folding your lingerie and Windexing your windows and fluffing your pillows.
Abbie: Okay.
Ichabod: And then we can fondle in the forest.
Abbie: What?
Ichabod: Never mind our fates entwined.
Merry Christmas, Sleepyheads!
