The Royals: “Your Sovereignty of Reason” — April 26, 2015
There are only five words I need to write this week: “Duchess Joan Collins is everything!” Here, let’s try it:
Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!Duchess Joan Collins is everything!
Do you need to know more than that? Okay, let’s go.
Fleet Street can’t resist headlines about naughty bits. Ophelia got a little playful during the weekend trip to Monaco and now there’s an incriminating photo with the headline “Monarchy Tits Up.” Princess Eleanor tells her friend to shrug it off just as she’s done about the headlines referring to — and this is the show’s word — “beaver.” Okay, I have a question: beavers are furry, does this mean there is no such thing as a Brazilian bikini wax at the palace?
Princess Eleanor is in the mood to let Jasper, the bodyguard take care of her body, but he’s been reassigned. Jasper can no longer play dom/submissive sex games with Eleanor because Queen Liz Hurley has poached him. Eleanor’s now stuck with some massive, lanky bodyguard and she has no interest in having an unhealthy relationship with him.
In addition to drinking coffee, Ophelia is a dancer. Prince Liam watches her Flashdance all over the place, but then he has to go deal with royal business, so Marcus The Dreamy Bodyguard stays with Twinkle Toes. She confides that she’s so good at Flashdancing she may get to study in New York, but that would mean no more coffee talk with the Prince. As Marcus escorts Ophelia out of the dance studio, they are mobbed by paparazzi and one guy makes a cryptic remark about Ophelia’s mother. What’s that supposed to mean? “Yo Mama” jokes are so 1977.
Alright, y’all it’s time for a family visit! Queen Liz Hurley greets her mother Duchess Joan Collins. It goes like this:
Duchess: You totally suck at being Queen. That boring King is trying to abolish the monarchy, get your shit together. By the way, stop being in love with Alistair Lacey, just have sex with him and go about your business.
Queen: Okay, I’ll try to be a bigger bitch. Let me go yell at Ophelia’s father about Little Miss Caffeine tits.
Me: Duchess Joan Collins, you are fabulous and it’s so cool the way you roll your “R” when you say “Rrrrrrrroyal.”
Duchess Joan Collins goes to lovingly Rrrrrrrroyal all over her grandchildren. Prince Cyrus strolls in and engages in sexy banter with the Duchess; there’s a lot of talk about her “ring” and his “hooves.” I don’t know what any of that means, but it makes everyone uncomfortable and even saucy Queen Liz Hurley is speechless. It’s too bad that Cyrus isn’t king. That man knows how to work a scepter. Before the Queen can get things sorted with the King, he makes a televised statement. Everyone gathers around the rrrrrroyal screen as King Liz Hurley’s Husband publicly calls for an end to the monarchy. It goes like this:
King: Blah, blah, blah. I don’t know how someone who is as tiresome as I am snagged a hottie like Queen Liz Hurley, but think the UK should fire us from our jobs. I wonder if Eleanor is really my daughter. I don’t think the royal little swimmers could produce anyone that fabulous. I hate my family. I hate it when girls go topless in Monaco. I hate everything.
The Audience: Who is this dude? Have we seen him before? Why is still talking? Where’s Princess Eleanor?
The only one who likes this speech is Prudence The Sexually Harassed Maid, who sits at home and makes pouty lips. When King Liz Hurley’s Husband finds out that Prudence is no longer working at the palace, he goes off on Cyrus and the Queen. What’s up with that? Prince Cyrus is gobsmacked that this brother is so worked up about a minor character who nobody in the audience cares about. Anyway, the King talks a lot of trash about how Cyrus will be stripped of his title and the Queen no longer has any power and he’s going to leave her, but she still can’t see Alistair Lacey. Whatever, where’s Eleanor? Why isn’t she taking hits on the purple bong with Prince Liam? Oh, here she is. The Princess assures her brother that she’ll talk some sense into their father so that he doesn’t screw up Liam’s chance to be king. When she does talk to her dad, the King calls her a disappointment. He does, however, ask Prince Liam to meet him that night in the tunnels so he can show him something.
Poor Queen Liz Hurley is so upset that she asks Princess Eleanor if she can score some dope, but Eleanor is fresh out; she does, however, have some red spray paint and runs around Buckingham Palace pretending she’s Banksy. I mean my girl really goes all out for some serious graffiti.
Prince Liam is busy consoling Ophelia so he’s not on time to meet his father and the King takes one of his strolls around the city on his own. He winds up at the palace gates bleeding, someone attacked the King. I swear was not in the vicinity when it happened.
