The Bachelorette hometown dates took place tn this episode. Nobody provides more astute observations about this show than our own Andrée: H. Take it away! –Elaine F.

This has been a weird season for me. In some ways it feels like it flew by, I’m surprised that we are already at hometowns, but in other ways, mostly the terrible feeling of dread I get before starting every episode, it’s felt like the longest, drawn-out season in Bachelorette history. Today we get to see hometowns! And not just any hometowns, but a serial killer, a half celebrity and some other dudes. Should be good, but let’s all be honest, what we really want to see is JoJo’s hometown and her evil brothers. The whole reason why she got to be The Bachelorette in the first place. Well, I assume it was that. Either that or Ben breaking the love rules. But if it was in fact the brothers, well, we better see some action. Even though all that is not even this week, but I can let my mind wander right? I hope they save the serial killer for last. I’m going to make a prediction he’ll be the only interesting part of this episode! Wine is poured – here we go!

Elaine: I am so pumped about tonight’s hometown dates. I’ve never found them all that interesting unless there is major drama. I think Claire freaked out when Juan Pablo met her family. I’m too lazy to look it up, though. I’m so excited about tonight because JoJo’s overprotective brothers seem capable of defending her by any means possible. I’m here for the crying and fights. Since the family is friends with Jake Pavelka, I’d be happy to see him join a brawl.

Andrée: Who are you, and what have you done with Elaine? Hahaha…wait are we going to get to see the brothers tonight? I figured that would be next week. The previews have me slightly excited as it looks like JoJo will be doing some sobbing. I like her best when she is on her knees in tears.

JoJo had a case of the blues

Elaine: First date with Chase in Colorado. Blah, blah, kiss. I’m going to play with the dog until I hear sobs or shouting.

Andrée: Oooh, Colorado, maybe they will smoke dope for a date, do a pot tasting!!! That could be exciting!

Elaine: These houses are always so blandly middle class or upper-middle class. Just once, I want to see hoarders. JoJo walks in and there are ten cats walking over slices of half-eaten pizza and broken Hummel figurines. Or maybe the dad could greet them wearing a stained wife beater. None of that has happened so far. Call me when someone has a psychotic break. My money’s on Luke.

Andrée: That reminds me of Jade’s hometown where the nicest hotel they could find was the biggest dump. So much closer to reality. I don’t remember Chase.  don’t remember this wound. I don’t remember any of it. I don’t understand why they aren’t wearing jackets when there is snow everywhere. Blah, blah, blah daddy issues, you and everyone else, buddy. I cannot believe he is choosing this public platform to call out his dad. What a dick. I’m already falling asleep and we haven’t even gotten to his mom. “Do you get the sense this dude’s mother is loaded drunk? Her hair is shabby, her face is all red and she’s bawling. Looks like a drunk mom to me. I am surprised he hadn’t already told her he loved her, I thought every single guy already had.

Elaine: Welp, the date with Chase was uneventful but now it’s time for Jordan and California. Break her heart, Jordan. Do it! But do it nice so you can be the next Bachelor. Jordan’s mom calls him “Spicy” as a nickname, which makes me think of Posh, Baby, Scary and whoever else was a Spice Girl. Back to the date, Jordan says his feelings “exponentially grew” but I missed it because I was trying to remember the other Spice Girls. Jordan is losing me a little bit but maybe he isn’t a good enough actor to sell this farce.

Andrée: Ginger and Sporty — come on Elaine! This is basic girl knowledge! Must be nice to be a quasi celebrity, he got to have his name up on the high school info board. Would your high school teachers even remember you? I am sure mine would not. They would be like: “Why are you here?” Okay , this must be the smallest town in the world if there are still pictures of him up in the coaches office. I always feel sorry for people whose glory years were in high school. Who cares that his brother isn’t there? I mean my god. Stop bringing it up. JoJo, holy fuck, stop talking about his brother. I love that Jordan said he wanted his Mom to believe their connection, we don’t believe it, no way in hell your Mom does. JoJo is so completely aware that he isn’t into her.

Elaine: Okay,  Robby lives in St. Augustine Florida. For the most part, I find Florida a hellscape of humidity and alligators but if you go, see St. Augustine. It’s charming and posh. I don’t mean the Spice Girl, I mean upscale. I get a vibe from Robby that makes me think JoJo’s not his type. This date has the most potential for drama so I’m going to stop thinking about ‘90s pop groups and focus. Family dinner, not one of these people can act convincingly. Hmmm, based on her conversation with Robby’s mom, JoJo might be into him. She comes off as the most natural I’ve ever seen her.

Andree: I have to say, he’s not the hottest of the crew, a solid 5, so she’s probably the most into him because she’s realistic. And for that I say good on you.

Elaine: Ooooh, finally drama! Convoluted drama but drama all the same. So, let me get this straight, Robby’s mom says his ex-girlfriend’s roommate is spreading rumors that he dumped the girlfriend just so he could be on the show? He’s not here for the right reasons? Question: Do you think the mom has been coached by the producers? Confrontation time. Dramatic music! Denials! Insecurity! Bad acting! Question: Is Robby just a bad actor for the show or is he bad at lying to JoJo? That’s right, JoJo do the dry cry. Wait, I think I see a tear. Poor kissing technique, Robby. You have to hold her face with two hands, that’s how Jordan does it. At least have your hand on her lower back.

Andree: Answer about the mom: most definitely, if I have learned anything from UnReal, it’s that everything is coached and staged! I have to agree with you, though, this seems like easily the most natural family meeting of the few we’ve seen so far this episode. Of course they have saved our serial killer for last. So far,  I am making my prediction Robby for the win. They seem like a perfectly boring match, aka right for each other. But in all seriousness, the timeline doesn’t make sense. He totally broke up with her to be on the show. I mean one would think you would have to apply 6 months to a year before the show. You would think… Oh, so basically he is saying in his head it was over he just never said it. What a prick. Also, JoJo is being a total hypocrite right now cause this was totally her last year.

Elaine: Now it’s time for a visit to Texas for Luke. Do you still think he’s a serial killer?

Andree: If he’s not, he should seriously consider playing one on TV.

Elaine: JoJo said Luke has “quiet confidence,”  I think that means “quiet loner.” They are on a dirt road! What if he has a secret room in his barn? A sound-proof bunker? Dammit, it’s just his family. There will be no hostage drama. I’m gonna go get some prosecco. Call me if she gets lured to the barn.

Andree: He’ll quietly skin you alive. Maybe his family is in on it.  Maybe that’s how his dates end. He is so creepy I can’t handle it. Plaid and serial killer are two looks that don’t mix well.

Elaine: I miss Chad. He is probably the manliest guy this franchise has ever seen. Yes, he might also have a secret room but he just had such appealing testosterone. He was the only man in the house who demonstrated a convincing desire for the ladies. Just saying. Awww, he arranged all the flowers into a heart on the grass. The candle trail is a nice detail. Possibly a fire hazard, but sweet. While I admittedly wasn’t paying much attention to the other dates, this one is the winner for creativity. Don’t you dare break his heart, JoJo.

Andree: I miss Chad too. Remember when this season was actually good? Sigh. You know, Elaine, serial killers have to put in the effort to make their victims drop their guard. Nothing makes you drop your guard quicker than flowers in the shape of a heart in the grass. Or swans made out of towels on a bed with rose petals. The little dog following me on the horse might just win my heart. Usually I judge the winner based on the size of the bouquet their Mom receives. In this case, Jordan would be the winner by far. I hope my prediction is wrong this time. This is totally a case of he has no friends so overcompensates by inviting the whole town to meet her I think. Do you think people in small towns stay together forever because there is no one around to cheat with? I want to think they are cute together but he just scares me too much. I think it’s the eyebrows. The eyebrows and the intense staring.

Elaine: Wait, it’s rose ceremony time. Won’t we get to see JoJo’s family tonight? I am surprisingly invested this time. Jordan looks quite sexy. What do we think of her blue dress? She is rocking the cleavage so it’s going to hurt the reject even more.

Andree: I told you! No way they wouldn’t leave that carrot dangling. I think every single person still tuned in this season is just here for the potential brothers blow up. How much are you going to laugh when she shows up at home and her brothers are in the backyard shooting guns with their new best friend Chad?  If that happens, I might just start liking this show again. This is kind of a weird and creepy rose ceremony. Why is it at an airport? Why is JoJo wearing a dress that looks like it is the same material they used for figure skating costumes or mermaid tails?

Elaine: Wait, Luke just interrupted to pull her away from the ceremony! Will he put chloroform over her mouth and drag her away? No, he just needs to say he loves her. Little late in the day, Luke. What do you think?

Andree: We have heard so many I love yous I can’t keep track. But considering we heard two this episode, that means JoJo sent home the bulk of the men that said they loved her right after they said it. So maybe he made the right choice in waiting. Makes him stand out from the crowd a little bit.

Elaine: Well, at least we get the crying and confusion on the tarmac. JoJo’s delivering the ol’ “What if I make a mistake?” line. I can tell she’s fake crying because there is no close-up.

Andree: That’s why she is on her knees in tears. I call BS. That’s what I get for watching the stupid previews at the beginning of the episode. Should have guessed from the ballgown. Man, he must feel like shit, tells her I love you and then she falls over bawling.

Elaine: To be continued! WTF! I thought JoJo’s family would be on this episode. Yay, the Men Tell All episode is next week! I want it to be 60 minutes of Chad going all caveman. I bet Chad throws JoJo over his shoulder and walks off the stage with her.

Andrée: Yes, Men Tell All, I’m actually excited for this one, solely for my Chad. I love how Chris says the most talked about men, let’s be honest, there is only one man we’ve been talking about. JoJo knew she wasn’t woman enough for him.

This episode was just about everything I thought it would be. Next week should be fun! They should make Chad a special correspondent so that we can keep him in our Bachelor lives forever! After this episode though, it’s pretty darn obvious that Mr. 5 is going to be the big winner. Everything else was so forced, I thought I was watching Passions for a minute there. (I can pull out the 90’s references too, though that was more the early 2000’s but started in ‘99 so it counts). Side note, doesn’t the Men Tell All usually happen when it’s down to only two guys? Weird…See you guys next week! My prediction: Several pussies whine at a gorgeous manly man while he laughs in their faces. Should be grand!

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.