Photos courtesy of ABC

This week Ben Higgins and The Bachelor contestants hit the road with an exciting journey to the next state over when the gang jets from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. Special Contributor and the country’s foremost Bachelor expert, Andrée H. breaks it down for you. — Elaine F.

It’s Week Four on The Bachelor and it’s Vegas, baby! Does that mean an entire episode filled with sin and lust? ‘Cause I could get down with that! Oh, wait … Ben’s the Bachelor, we’ll be watching a bunch of Celine Dion shows and buffets, that seems more Ben’s speed. They should have done Vegas with Juan Pablo. Now that would have been a fun episode. If you thought Vegas was all about action, Ben is ready to show you how seniors do Vegas right!!

Andrée: People find love in Vegas? I am sorry but I believe people find drugs and hookers in Vegas. I am pretty sure love is the last thing on people’s minds when they are there.

Elaine: It’s hilarious how when Chris Harrison tells the girls that Ben is not around, they act stunned, as if maybe he died or was held captive or went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.

Andrée: Seriously, though, Ben left, he found Selena Gomez and he’s done with all you bitches. Speaking of, did you watch SNL this week? They ripped on our dear Ben, and there was definitely some Lace, Jubilee and Olivia hate happening too. Basically, it was our blog in an SNL sketch!

Elaine: They obviously read this and steal from us. As much as I enjoy beautiful, bitchy Olivia, she’s starting to look dead behind the eyes.

Andrée: Wouldn’t you, if you were sick and tired of girls hating you because you are mean? In all seriousness, though, I noticed this on the second episode. As gorgeous as she is, Olivia really does require a lot of makeup to bring that out. I love that they are saying stuff like: “I feel like a baller.” How boring will their dates with Ben be once the show is over? Does Ben have money? Have we confirmed this yet? I picture a life with Ben involving a lot of charity dinners and staying in to watch 20/20 specials. I seriously hope they do a two-on-one twin date. I know this makes me the devil, but I can’t wait for Ben to send one home right in front of the other one.

JoJo

Elaine:  Sad story time: Her ex-boyfriend was a cheater. Sorry, JoJo but Jubilee lost her entire family, and Olivia has fat toes and cankles so you’ll get no pity from me. I’m checking my Facebook until something interesting happens. Oh, look, my friend posted a cute photo of her baby!

Andrée: JoJo bores me, I still can’t really remember her. I think maybe she was unicorn head? I just Googled it, she was. If I remember correctly, she was extremely kooky in her intro reel. Why haven’t we seen that side? I loved that the other girls called her a bitch for getting to go on a helicopter. Almost every date involves a helicopter. So funny how he was making out with JoJo in front of the other ladies. You know he had no idea and all the producers were giving each other massive high-fives for pulling that one off.

Elaine: Good job, producers!

Andrée: Back at the house, they are announcing the girls that get to go on the group date: Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B., Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia. That means Becca gets the one-on-one. Booo! This will be a boring episode. If looks could kill, Olivia would be laughing over Becca’s dead body right now. Back to the exciting Ben and JoJo date. Sitting down for drinks, Ben’s only question is: “Tell me about the date?” Talk to me about the thing we just did? You suck, Ben. Sounds like JoJo might have been a mistress. That makes her a little more interesting, but not unicorn head interesting.

Elaine: She was beating around the bush about her ex-boyfriend. You’re right, she didn’t explicitly say he cheated, did she? She seems too dull to be a bad girl.

Andrée: She probably met Ben and thought: “I better hold back my crazy; this guy is as dull as they come.” I love when these girls say: “He makes me feel safe when I talk about my past relationships.” Have you ever felt unsafe talking about your past? You start to tell someone about your ex-boyfriend and suddenly he chops off your head? Doesn’t make sense to me. “I wish I could stand on a rooftop and watch fireworks, that’s so extravagant.” These girls have definitely not seen this show before if they find that extravagant. All you need is a crowbar and a national holiday and you can make that happen on any given day!

Elaine: This is insultingly cheap for a Bachelor date. It didn’t look like those fireworks were just for her, the display was already planned. I’d want my name spelled out in the fireworks, at least. I have no idea how you use a crowbar to make fireworks happen. Is that Canadian, like Poutine? Do you know how to make Poutine? It sounds delicious.

Andrée: You just go into any tall building, head to the staircase, usually the door at the top is locked but it’s always all old and rickety so you can just pop it open with a crowbar then boom, fireworks from a rooftop!

Elaine: You are a woman of many gifts. So on this group date, they have to perform as the opening act for some ventriloquist in front of 1,200 people. I can’t believe 1,200 people want to see a ventriloquist.

Andrée: Seriously though? There are so many things to see and do in Vegas. I don’t even think I would pay to see that in Detroit. Please, please put nipple tassels on the kindergarten teacher. Nope, playing with puppets, sounds like that’s right up her alley.

Elaine: Mr. TV Recaps and I saw Jubilee in Vegas. Not Jubilee from The Bachelor, it’s a stage show at Bally’s called Jubilee. They perform Samson and Delilah in the nude and also a reenactment of the sinking of the Titanic. They keep their clothes on for the latter for some reason. We also saw Wayne Newton.

Andrée: We saw The Beatles LOVE and Penn & Teller. They kept their clothes on for the latter. Thank God.

Elaine: I assumed the twins didn’t have any talents aside from speaking in sync, but their Irish step-dance routine is admirable.

Andrée: I have no interest in watching that unless it’s St. Patty’s Day when I am wearing green and can no longer tell the difference between the floor and the ceiling.

Elaine: Okay, Lauren H. is dressed up in a chicken outfit like she’s handing out samples in front of the Cluck Cluck Shack. She should be immediately cut from the date and the show. This is the time to bring the sexy A-game, not whimsy. Olivia knows how to do it—jumping out of a cake in that red showgirl outfit. Uh-oh, this routine isn’t going well for Olivia, is it?

 Andrée: Why pick the chicken outfit? There was a fairly large rack of costumes. Good on Olivia for picking the sluttiest option there. That really would have worked on Juan Pablo. If my options were showgirl outfit or chicken and I was trying to date Ben I might pick the chicken actually. He’s that lame. The audience must be pissed, they have to sit through Irish dancing, cello playing, juggling, chicken rhyming, Pogo jumping—on the plus side they got to see some belly dancing and Olivia’s, well, disaster. I have never seen anything less sexy in my life. She is however, the only one that got a crowd reaction.

Elaine: I think after jumping out of that cake, she should have just sat in Ben’s lap, kissed him and ended her act. Why is Olivia having a panic attack after the performance?

Andrée: Didn’t she have a panic attack about something after the fact last week too? Why can’t the bitchy girls just be bitchy and not crazy too? I guess you have to be pretty crazy to be that bitchy? I like a calm, cool and collected Ice Queen personally.

Elaine: Word. I like a cold and calculating bitch. All of this emotion takes away from it. A true bitch is bloodless. These girls need to watch some Bette Davis movies. You’re the Bachelor expert, is she just acting crazy for attention or is she actually crazy?

Andrée: Elaine, I am going to have to call this one truly crazy. Mind you, Ben probably was mortified. I mean he can’t even look at a female without blushing. He’s so going to marry that Kindergarten Chicken Teacher. He sucks.

Elaine: I guess opposites don’t attract in the world of The Bachelor. Remember Olivia and some other girl claimed Ben gives them special significant leg squeeze or whatever? He really is kind of handsy. He’s getting familiar with Caila. Nice technique.

Andrée: That’s probably his one move. I love how Caila says she is used to being spoiled. Do you remember your date, Caila? I’ll remind you. You sat in a hot tub in a convenience store after you had Kevin Hart yipping at you like a little dog following you around everywhere. Your date had nothing to do with either spoiling you or giving you one-on-one attention.

Elaine: I am not at all impressed with Ben’s kissing ability, though. He’s kissing Lauren H. all wrong. He needs to be holding her face in both hands.The 50 Shades of Grey elevator kiss is also acceptable but The Bachelor producers may not approve of seeing him pin her wrists above her head. In any case, he was clearly turned on by the chicken outfit. He wants to pluck her so hard.

Andrée: I told you. He’s totally attracted to the things that make most men shrivel up like a Polar Bear Club dip. Give me the showgirl any day, thank you. I hate watching Ben kiss. It’s so awkward and horrible. I have seen much more passionate makeout sessions on 16 and Pregnant. That should be embarrassing, Ben. Stop talking to that damn puppet. Also, Lauren, looking at the puppet while moving your lips is all wrong. You are supposed to look forward and not move your lips. Didn’t they teach you that in school?

Elaine: What school did you go to? Is that where you learned to use crowbars?

Andrée: In Canada, we get taught both how to break and enter and proper ventriloquism in school. I thought that was standard fare.

Elaine: America’s education system is failing our children.

Andrée: Oh God, Olivia is going to use her very next one-on-one time to complain to Ben about her insecurities again. I guess that means that she really has no clue how out of line she was with the cankles last week. Olivia is very, very quickly turning into Lace. And now Olivia is going in for a second one-on-one after a girl has only been there for three minutes. Such a Lace move. Ben is pissed. That was totally a close-mouthed get-out-of-here-now kiss. Did Jubilee even get any time? I don’t think so. Lauren B. got the rose, her one-on-one time was so forgettable we didn’t even comment on it, so of course, she was Ben’s favorite.

Elaine: Becca’s turn for a date. The wedding theme date is a standard on The Bachelor now, huh? Making her put on the gown and stand in the wedding chapel with the guy she’s “dating” seems iffy. Way to get her hopes up, Ben.

Andrée: Yeah, I feel like that one was totally started by Courtney back on Ben Flajnik’s season. I don’t like that wedding dress. if I was Ben, and I saw her I would be like “meh.” You are supposed to be your most beautiful on your wedding day. Perhaps she should have put in a little extra time knowing she was going to be all bridal.

Elaine: You were a radiant bride. Well, this works out for these random people who are actually getting married. Aside from the wedding chapel fee, they get a free wedding video. This Asian couple is adorable. I’m only referring to them as Asian because the show neglected to identify them, not because I’m racist.

Andrée: Aww thank you 😀 They are so adorable. They probably would have had a much better experience if Becca wasn’t there. I don’t get why they had her change into a bridal looking mini dress. Um, do not wear white to someone else’s wedding. Or Ben. Chris Harrison should be the officiant. That would be a fun wedding. I think I’d get divorced just to remarry my husband with Chris Harrison as my officiant. I’d love that.

Elaine: Or you could just renew your vows. Chris Harrison would be a terrific officiant. Let’s see if we can get him to preside over a double vow-renewal. Most of these dates are stupid, but I like this Neon Museum he took Becca to. Did you visit it when you were in Vegas? I called Mr. TV Recaps over to see this part and he said he’d take me there.

Andrée: No, we talked about going there but didn’t end up making it. We have so many things we planned and didn’t get to that we are already planning our next trip. Next time I am going to bring more comfortable shoes. There’s so much to do in Vegas, it’s insane. I mostly just ate amazing food, drank amazing drinks, shopped at every store I have ever wanted to shop at and of course had the one wild strip club night. What I didn’t do was spend a single penny on gambling or eat at a single buffet. I am pretty proud about those last two points.

Becca

Elaine: I am proud of the fact that we ate at the Golden Nugget buffet. They don’t allow you to wear swimsuits so it’s very classy. I have a really good competition idea. The girls should compete for the quality of the dates. So if you do the best, you get to go horseback riding in Napa and have a private picnic for two in the vineyard. If you fail, you go to Olive Garden.

Andrée: You are brilliant. That way they still get their stupid cheesy competitions but there is a real prize involved. Or they could do it Big Brother style, where all of the girls assign dates to each other. That way, the Bachelor would get awesome insight on what the girls  are really like. The plain girls would get to go on all these extravagant dates, and then the bitchy hot ones that the Bachelor is all excited to go out with would end up sitting in the convenience store hot tub with Kevin Hart explaining how bumpy backs, heels and chapped lips are his dealbreakers. Ew, ew, ew, I hate that they are making up vows for each other. I don’t get Becca. I just don’t get why guys are into her. I didn’t get it last year, I don’t get it this year. Bored. I love that when she kisses him, she like headlocks him with her arms around his neck. Looks like he is turning a little purple. I guess that’s her overcompensation for the whole virgin thing. That would be a shitty wedding night. Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW…crying. Ben would love it. He would be like:  “Here, let’s put on Snuggies and watch this 20/20 special. I just want to hold you.” Gag.

Elaine: Welp, I just spit out my wine. You owe me a new keyboard.  So what do you think about this special surprise date with the twins?

Andrée: I love it. The twin thing is kind of awkward and especially awkward if both actually fell for him or worse yet, he fell for both. I just can’t stop thinking about the life-long family dinners from hell you would have to go through. Who’s going to lose? My guess is Emily, because she has had slightly less time with him, but who knows? I haven’t really seen any chemistry with either of them.

Elaine: I think they are twice as dull as the other girls, but I’m looking forward to the catfight.

Andrée: It’s going to be a heartbreaker, I imagine. Oh, way to make it more awkward, they are going straight to hanging out with their mom. That’s probably not a threesome that Ben thought he’d be a part of today. OMG, I can’t believe that Haley has pictures up of her ex! Perhaps my guess was wrong. His one-on-one with Emily seems a lot more intimate.

Haley

Elaine: Wait, he’s just dumping one of them without an actual date? I thought they would have to throw down. I could swear I saw a fight in the season previews, but maybe that was somebody else. I can’t keep track.

Andrée: Those previews are so skewed anyways. I don’t even like to watch them, they always steer me wrong. It’s so weird having their mom break down their personalities like that. This is just so weird. Oooooooooh, he dumped her right in front of her mom and sister! Like ouch, fucking, ouch. Bubbly, outgoing personality for the win, I guess. So not only did you have to watch your sister getting dumped, but then you don’t actually get a date. Your date was watching your sister getting dumped … in front of your mom. Boy, they are pulling out all the stops this year.

Elaine: I’m glad I only have to ignore one of them now. How many times has Olivia pulled Ben aside this episode? I think if you come on that strong it could backfire. If Ben’s not so sure yet, then he has to send her home because he doesn’t want to lead her on.

Andrée: You sat there and watched Lace fall apart for the exact same reason. Girls need to at least attempt to learn from the mistakes of others. I think that they tend to get in this headspace of having to use their time to explain their negative side, rather than using their time to highlight the positive side of their personality. It’s time to make this man fall in love with you. Not be scared of you.

Elaine: Finally, we get some Jubilee. Ben has quite the rap. “Jubilee, you’re beautiful, you’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re incredibly intelligent. You’ve served our country.”  You don’t hear that every day. He didn’t say, “I’m sorry you have to go home soon because America is racist.” I want her to star on The Bachelorette. If she’s not the Bachelorette, I want her to quit the franchise. She’s too good for Bachelor in Paradise. Her meltdown is coming soon, probably next week judging from the previews. I hope her exit is respectable.

Andrée: May I remind you of Tanner and Jade who totally fell in love on Bachelor in Paradise and are getting married in a couple weeks and now both totally have successful careers taking pictures with products on Instagram? You have so much hate for the wild side of The Bachelor. I have serious high hopes for Jubilee though, but she is doing the same thing, she’s spending all of her one-on-one time talking down about herself. That is not how you make a man fall in love with you. I guess it would be hard to be confident as the black woman on The Bachelor though, especially if you have watched the show. Boo! Ben is on Bachelor Live, so that means it will be a snooze fest.

Rachel

Elaine: I don’t want to see the contestants I like on Bachelor In Paradise. I think it should just be for the skanks and sketchy guys. My favorite Bachelor from Kaitlyn’s season was Ben Z. Sooooo gorgeous and manly. I’m glad she didn’t pick him because he’s too good for her. It would break my heart and crush my spirit to see him in Paradise. Part of me wanted him to be the Bachelor but he’s too good for this show. I’d be upset if he went for some bland chicken girl. Rachel is going home so that’s one less girl that I have to not remember. Isn’t she the one who got injured on the soccer field in the last episode?

Andrée: It was her. Too bad she wasn’t better at soccer. She might still be here another week. After all, that one-on-one time is everything on this show. That’s the second week in a row he’s called Olivia last, isn’t it? He’s really trying to make her sweat. I love that she takes it as saving the best for last. I am pretty sure Ben is way too nice to make the girl he really likes think she is going to get voted off the island every week.

Elaine: Rachel’s job title is “unemployed,” so that sucks. She didn’t make much of an impression. I guess she should have dressed up like a chicken.

Andrée: How embarrassing. At least lie and say you are an actor or a waitress or something.

Elaine: Or a blogger. Amber is out. Good. Not only is she forgettable, but she was super mean to Jubilee last week and callous with Ben who had just found out his friends died in a plane crash. I’m enjoying watching her sob. I wish this scene lasted longer. Don’t they show the girls bawling in the limos anymore? I rather liked that part.

Amber

Andrée: Good riddance. Stop coming on Bachelor shows, Amber. None of these guys want you. Are you not just embarrassed? I did not see Ben show a lick of interest in her the entire season. They totally still do the limo bawling, it’s just a little too early on for them to get the good rides home.

Elaine: With this edit, Olivia is probably not going to last long. Do you think any of the other girls have potential to take over as the troublemaker?

Andrée: It’s not looking good for Jubilee either. Perhaps Jubilee will take over. She could be both the longest-running black girl and the token bitch! I would be very okay with that. What the hell was that Oreo game Caila and Ben were playing during the credits.

Elaine: I didn’t see that. I changed the channel to a Dateline murder mystery. It’s much better than 20/20.

Andrée: Maybe I change my mind, maybe Caila is so cheesy that she will be the one he marries. I feel like he is sitting at home watching that scene now. If Caila is sitting next to him, he is lecturing her on how that game is too sexual and that she really needs to think twice before presenting her tongue like that before the cameras. I can’t help it, I just picture him being this way.

Elaine: I agree. He’s like beige walls.

Girls with roses: JoJo, Becca, Lauren B., Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Buh-Bye to: Haley, Amber, Rachel

City of Sin: Ben style aka a snooze fest! A twin gets the axe right in front of her fam, Olivia pops out of a cake, well awkwardly lifts up the top of the cake and then sort of crawls out Gollum style and gyrates and hobbles across the stage like a beaded and feathered bad dream. Then she goes straight into a panic attack. The show is going out of its way to ensure that there is a ton of drama because this is easily the most boring Bachelor since Sean. We’ve almost gotten to the point where the herd is thinned enough that we actually recognize each girl that pops up on the screen,  but unfortunately we are not there yet! At this point, I think I am fully rooting for Jubilee but I am going to give the win to either the Chicken Teacher, the Oreo-balancing Caila or the ever forgettable—therefore ever perfect for Ben—Lauren B. With that said, my mimosa is empty and I am surely going to need a refill before I start watching Bachelor Live starring Ben. No way this one is going to be entertaining, they need to bring back Kris Jenner. See you next week!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Andrée H.

Andrée Harris is a housewife by day and reality tv junkie by night, Andree Harris has been preparing for half her life to be the ultimate Big Brother contestant. She learned how to cook from Masterchef, how to decorate from House Rules Australia, how to hurt herself badly on American Ninja Warrior and how to fall in love at first sight from The Bachelor. A quirky Canadian with an opinion on everything, and a glass of wine in her hands at all times, she can always catch you up on what's happening in real life on TV.